Sigh.

A few beers, some gaming and a couple of films is not a bad way to spend the evening, but I do wish I'd gone out tonight.

I've not done enough socialising with friends this holiday period.

You what?

A conversation with Sports Girl a year or so ago was eye opening. She claimed, if I recall correctly, to have had breast reduction surgery, because she was carrying more than she wanted. Then she claimed she wanted a boob job as she was smaller than she'd like.

I don't know why that popped popped into my head, right now, on this day at this time, but there you have it.

Self-fulfilling?

OK, so it might not be beer-fuelled regret, but I have thought about CB tonight. I haven't thought about her in, well, I dunno how long. But I have tonight... From seeing her on the online dating site and wanting to meet her, to then seeing her a little while later, in the flesh, in my local bar one New Year's Eve and then, finally, exactly a year later, on NYE, in the same bar.

She was pretty.

Looking forward.

It's not been a great year for reasons I've explained here (work-related, lack of meeting people/online dating) and reasons I've not yet chosen to share. The memories I have are more negative than positive.

More than usual, I'm looking forward to getting into the new year seeing where it takes me.

Record breaking

I'm unsure of this year's post count, though I do know it's quite high, but I do know that this month is my all-time top month for posts - averaging over one per day (albeit by a tiny amount).

I don't think I'm going to post enough in the next few hours to break the all-time Baby Needs record, but that's not really the point.

I sent a message to GM to see if he had changed/made up his mind about tonight. I re-iterated that my spare bed was his should we head to my local bar. He's staying in, though, so tonight is a night sat in front of the telly or the PC, watching films or gaming.

I'm a little disappointed, but not nearly as much as I would have been a few years ago, partly because there's no desperation to head out to see if CB is there (is it six years ago tonight) and partly because I'd resigned myself to sitting in a few days ago.

Still, I have a few beers chilling in the fridge. How many beers will it take before I start feeling upset that I'm not out (or thinking about CB)? I'm gonna say six.

Pah.

When I suggested NYE and S said he'd already made plans, he quickly suggested an alternative, heading out last night or tonight.

As I already had plans for last night, I suggested we head out tonight. S seemed good with this.

He sent a text message last night asking if GM or I would like to hit the town. I replied that I had plans and GM said he fancied a night in front of the TV.

So, unsurprisingly, when I sent a message earlier asking if he wanted to meet for drinks, the answer was "no". He'd gone for a Hair of the Dog at lunchtime and was on his way home, to bed.

Thanks, S, for remaining unreliable.

Friends

As part of my conversation with my old school friend (let's call him MS), we talked about our relationships or lack thereof.

Along with G, MS is one of my oldest friends.

MS split with his long-term girlfriend around a year ago and moved departments at the same time. During this time, he met and fell in love with a co-worker. A married co-worker. So he moved back to his old department. She was stunning, he assured me.

He dug out a photo he had on his phone. She was the absolute spitting image of Katherine Ryan... without the amazing cleavage.

In turn, I told MS about Ideas Girl and showed him some pictures and we both bemoaned the fact that we can't find anyone we like who likes us back.

I don't see MS as often as I would like. I think he feels the same. I should do something about that.

Fun

I turned up at my favourite (local) bar at the time I said I'd be there, with a mutual friend to some of the people. No-one else was there, so we found a quiet spot, bought myself and my friend a drink and settled in.

I spotted an attractive blonde girl across the bar. She looked vaguely familiar. Where did I recognise her from? Had I seen her in the bar before? She was striking, athletic and... aloof? I don't know. But she had my attention... at least until I saw the wedding ring on her finger.

Bollocks.

A short while later, everyone else arrived. I got hugs from QC1, BW's wife and a couple of other female friends. AM was nowhere to be seen.

It was another ten minutes before AM arrived and immediately the hunt for seats started. I had no interest in seats. I was happy standing and we had a decent spot. Mingling is easier without seats as well. If I knew AM, she'd want to sit in the corner of the bar, away from everyone else.

AM and her hubby came nowhere near me. They, as expected, hovered around some seats in the corner, waiting for them to be free. After fifteen minutes or so, the seats became vacant, but there weren't enough seats for everyone. Me, my friend, BW and his wife stood and chatted.

Eventually, AM sent QC1 over to bring us over. She didn't do it herself.

We did join the crowd and sat down.  But, with the seating arrangements, we only really managed to talk to QC1 (still very attractive) for the majority of the night. I wasn't that bothered. AM and the rest were a sideshow for me that night - my friend, who I'd known from school, was my main focus that evening.

A pretty girl stood next to us in wet look leggings and she had a great ass and great legs and she knew it, given how many times she caressed her ass in full view of the bar. My friend made several comments about how I'd gotten the better view.

Ultimately, I had a good night, and I even talked to AM and her hubby before we left the bar. AM made me promise that we'd talk soon, but I've long decided that AM has to make the effort. After all, I end up dancing to her tune anyway.

Only time will tell if she does make the effort.

Go, go, gadget arm!

Surprisingly, my Xmas present to myself, ordered on Boxing Day, has arrived a few days earlier than anticipated.

It's significantly more expensive (twice as much, in fact) than the most expensive watch I've bought myself, but I'm hoping that the ability to track various aspects of my fitness could mean motivation to stay active by keeping on top of actual figures.

I've already synced it to my fitness apps, so here's to getting more active in the New Year.

Now all I have to do is eat as much of the junk food in the house as possible before I get started. Mini Rolls and Jaffa Cakes? Nom nom nom.

FFS

"I won't be joining you for dinner tonight, but I'll see you afterwards in the pub" was the message I sent to the Whatsapp group earlier.

A Whatsapp group that contained AM, FP, QC1, BW and others.

I'd never intended to go to the meal, if I am being honest. They're having Indian and I don't like Indian that much. In fact, I was toying with not going at all, but comments from FP and the fact I'm bringing along a surprise guest swayed me.

Anyway, almost immediately, AM's husband replied:

"Didn't you pick the date?"

I was immediately angry. AM and her husband have been one of the most unreliable couples I have ever met and I have put up with that for over 20 years. And I didn't pick the date - I suggested when I might be available over the festive period and everyone had their say. All the decisions were made by the group - majority vote "wins". I even contemplated not turning up after that. The fucking cheek of some people.

Plans (Part 2)

S is going to a house party on NYE. I seem to recall that he did this last year. GM eventually replied to say that he's contemplating staying in.

As usual, nothing concrete, but it looks unlikely that GM won't come out. I've decided that that's what I'm going to plan for.

I did suggest that we could hit my local and there was a spare bed, so that's a backup plan, just in case.

Oh, hello!

E's little sister (ES) was posting all over Facebook last night about how she's going to try online dating app Bumble. It's like Tinder, except it's up to the woman to make contact should there be a match.

I've often commented on how much "easier" it is for women to meet people than men on online dating apps/websites.

Sure enough, twelve hours after setting up her account, and she's chatting to multiple men. That means they've swiped, matched and started talking.

That's more conversations on Bumble than I've had in years of membership.

Obviously it helps that ES is very easy on the eye (she's an ex-model/dancer/promotions girl), but from what I've gathered a lot of these conversations are with guys who "aren't looking for anything serious". And I'm a little dubious about how hilarious she's finding the whole thing (she's effectively blogging on Facebook).

And I dunno how long people are going to stick around. E's little sister, while not V or Sports Girl levels of bonkers, has unusual outlooks on life.

If she's looking to get laid, she'll have no issues. If she's looking for something more, then that might be an issue. At one stage, I had thought about trying to set her and GM up (and I would have back then, a few years ago), but I don't know if I would do that any more.

Nudge nudge, wink wink.

As part of the conversation with KfW2 earlier, she let it slip that CC is going to Barcelona next month.

"For a dirty weekend!"

So it seems that this thing with the paramour is, if not picking up momentum, at least continuing to move forward.

I'm jealous. About the dirty weekend thing, not CC.

Plans

"What you doing on NYE?" asked KfW2

I sighed.

"Still trying to figure that out. Might try and get GM and S out to my favourite local pub instead of hitting the town."

"Oh, I love that pub."

She does. We've talked about it before.

"Well, then, what I'll do for when I take you out for your birthday is take you there.

"That would be FAB!" she exclaimed. "Our annual night out!"

"Actually, it's not. We haven't had a night out in nearly two years" I explained.

"Really? We didn't do last year?"

"Nope."

"Oh."

"So, let's definitely do it this time!"

"Yes"

And let's see what happens over the next two weeks. The night out should arranged for, and done by, the end of the month.

And the dance begins.

You might have thought by now that GM and S would realise the importance I place on being with friends for New Years Eve. I've stated outright how much I value company that evening and am always trying to get something sorted as soon as I can.

I sent out the first message late yesterday evening. Are we doing it this year? I have a couple of places in mind - one my favourite local bar (where I first saw CB) and another in the middle of town where we've had a few decent NYE's in recent years.

I know both have read the message, but not one reply. S has a tendency to do this, but GM isn't.

Regardless, it's extremely frustrating.

I can cope with not going out on NYE or even spending it alone as long as I have time to prepare. I hate the running around and chasing I have to do though.

To you, to me.

"What do you want for Xmas?" asked my sister.

"Fuck knows. Don't really have any ideas" I replied.

That wasn't strictly true. I have loads of things I want to buy... just none of them that are within reasonable limits for Christmas presents. For example:

• Jessica Alba (or a woman of equal attractiveness)
• A new kitchen
• A first-class ticket to New Zealand
• Large screen 4K TV
• Gaming console
• New Gaming PC

I did have a few other ideas that were closer to something reasonable but still nothing my sister could buy me outright. I did have an idea though.

"Tell you what... if I can't come up with something, buy me Amazon vouchers"

"But I want to buy you something you can unwrap!" she complained.

"I understand but I have something in mind that I can put the vouchers towards. It's not like I'll end up buying rubbish."

She voiced some concerns.

"Tell you what," I reasoned "I'll send you the link of what I'm looking at, and if you find something to buy me that I can unwrap on the day, brilliant, but if not, this is what I'm planning on treating myself."

And I sent her the link.

Come Xmas morning, we swapped gifts. I got an Amazon voucher.

I wasn't entirely sure that I was going to buy the ting I'd shown my sister. I can spend small money stupidly - 10 Starbucks coffees a week for a month, for example. But I can't spend big money. Anything over £50 becomes an issue that requires serious pondering.

The item I was looking at was nearly £200. Even with £80 of Amazon vouchers, I was still reticent about spending the money.

The Amazon Boxing Day sale kicked in... and blow me if my item wasn't 25% off.

Happy Christmas to me! (Thanks Sis!)

Only 365 days to go...

It's over for another year, thankfully. I enjoy the day itself, but I detest with a passion the lead up to it... all two months of it.

Now we get into the time I enjoy most - between Xmas Day and the turn of the year. Potentially I have a night out with a school friend and FP, a night out with GM, KfW2 etc. (though as I am not arranging this, it's unlikely to transpire), a night out with QC1, AM, BW etc. that I'm not really feeling enthusiasm for and, of course, potentially New Year's Eve.

I have another family day tomorrow, but it has a completely different vibe to it than Xmas Day. It feels a lot less formal/laid back, even though Xmas Day at my sis's is really not formal at all.

Ouch.

The reason for being at KfW2's last night was to help her build toys from Santa. It took about five hours to build six or seven big toys - doll's house, couple of bikes, scooters etc.

I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow. KfW2 called it quits an hour before I left - she looked fatigued, almost ill.

When I awoke this morning I felt like crap. Aches all over, stiffness in the muscles etc. Thankfully, it's not illness but rather just me being horrendously unfit. The kneeling, bending over, contorting myself in and around the bikes to put on wheels etc. have all used muscles that have not been used in a long while.

Roll on the New Year for some motivation.

A question.

If KfW2 is happy to let me know that CC got laid... who would she tell if I confided to her that I've broken my dry spell?

Not that I mind, even with my privacy, it's just popped into my head rather then being an actual concern.

The money.

"I'm still hungover" grumbled KfW2 as she collected me.

"Hungover?" I was puzzled, then the penny dropped. "Ah, your Mums' Night Out"

"Yeah. A bottle of wine and I still feel like crap, two days later" she complained.

She brightened up.

"I was out with someone who knows FP though!"

FP and his wife know lots of people through their work.

"What's their name?" I asked.

KfW2 told me. It didn't ring a bell.

Later, while sipping a gin at KfW2's my phone beeped. A text message from FP.

"Eva Green is the money!" is what it said. Bugger. That meant there was a James Bond film on the telly, and I was missing it to do KfW2 a favour.

"Bond is on the telly?" I queried.

"ITV" he answered.

"FFS. I'm at KfW2's."

"KfW2's not bad at all, but she's not Eva Green"

I laughed out loud at that one.

"What you laughing at?" said KfW2.

"Just FP being FP."

"Ask him if he knows those people I met a few nights ago..." and the conversation moved off.

It reminded me of another conversation from Thursday night while FP was out with a couple of my current colleagues at the pub. One of them was bemoaning the lack of attractive females in our work place. I know that KfW2 is considered universally attractive amongst my male friends, but it's not a conversation I've had with male colleagues.

"What about The Princess* or the Dept Head?" I asked.

"Well, The Princess, yeah. Not the Dept Head though" said the younger of the two work colleagues.

"Do you count KfW2 in that list?" asked FP.

Younger Colleague stumbled a bit. I don't know if he wanted to answer given my close friendship with KfW2, but he admitted that she did indeed make the list.

The Princess was mentioned in one of my recent posts about the girl that GM broke up with for being too high maintenance.

I think Younger Colleague is wrong - there are plenty of attractive females in our work. And FP was right... Eva Green is the money...

Elementary.

The mystery of CC's paramour is solved! The gentleman in question is indeed the object of CC's attention, who was home for a bit for Xmas (though has now returned to where he's currently living). In fact, he left the day after they slept together*. She's had her eye on him, on and off, for quite a while now, though he has been unavailable until recently.

Poor fella. I bet CC's hard work as a girlfriend. She's hard work as a friend! Would sex make that any less of an issue? I know GM split up with a stunning woman for exactly those reasons.

*This is still an assumption based on KfW2's comments.

Co-incidence.

While I wasn't asleep when my phone rang this morning, I was still tucked up in bed albeit within seconds of getting up. It was a night of broken sleep, hence a slightly later than normal waking time. It was KfW2 on the phone.

No sooner had the pleasantries been done than she took great delight in telling me that CC "was a dirty stop out on Thursday".

That was interesting for three reasons...

Firstly, as far as I was aware, CC was/is interested in a bloke who's separated, though I don't think he's local and she's only ever interested in one person at a time. Unlike other people that CC has been interested in (e.g. GM), this one actually seemed as if it would come to something (CC has a habit of being interested in people but doing nothing about it... reminds me of someone).

Secondly, apart from one drunken date with S, I'd never heard of CC pulling someone, so if this was a randommer, then fair play to her. At least one of us has gotten a Happy Christmas.

Lastly, for reasons I'm struggling to remember, FP was quizzing me heavily about CC on Thursday night, after GM left, especially around her dating habits. But as CC has never talked to me about any of that, I couldn't share any information. FP also, for the first time that I can remember, asked about my dating and specifically the last time I had sex. I told a fib. Rather than say exactly how long ago it was (far too long IMO), I halved that time and told him that.

I might be seeing KfW2 later, so I might quiz her a little further on the CC incident, just for nosiness sake.

Fun.

While the night out didn't pan out the way I had hoped, it was still fun and productive. Right from the second that GM sat down with myself and FP, it started.

He immediately asked about my dating activity, and I told him about a speed dating event I was contemplating on 14th February. He immediately offered to tag along. Whether the offer still stands when he realises that it's a Wednesday night, which is typically a night he's not usually free, is another matter. But it's something to aim towards.

We talked through his breakup with SG, and FP offered some advice. I told him that SG had not been in contact with me, which he was surprised at. I also explained that she had gone from messaging me many times a day to absolutely nothing as soon as they had started dating.

GM wasn't out for very long - an hour or so - but it was good seeing him again. It's been a while. 

All-in-all, an enjoyable night out, despite the lack of numbers.

Question...

Why do you get tipsier, quicker when you drink during the day than at night?

Oh. Again.

So, KfW2 never said anything in our Whatsapp chat about not being able to make it. I'd also had a recent convo with GM where he confided that he was skint, but would still come out to see everyone even if he only stuck around for an hour or so. And S was being totally S - not saying an awful lot and only piping up when something was being said (i.e. a suggestion) that didn't suit him or he disagreed with.

So when I said that KfW2 wasn't able to attend, the night out, in its original form, just dissolved.

"I can do a night between Xmas and New Year" said S.

"I told Ruude that I could do that too" said KfW2.

And within seconds, my hoped-for night out with just KfW2 also vanished.

There's still a chance I could head out with FP tomorrow, though somewhere closer to home than n the middle of town. I haven't seen him in a biot, so that'd be good... not as good as getting the crowd out for an Xmas Night Out though.

Oh.

In a not unsurprising turn of events, KfW2 won't be able to make it for our annual day out. I knew something was up as she's been quiet on the subject since the weekend, where before she was excited about coming out.

Her husband has to work and that means, as a knock-on effect, KfW2 can't make it.

I'm disappointed and a little angry, after all, KfW2 was a huge influence on the dates chosen, to the point where they are inconvenient for GM and S.

The upshot is that there's a possibility that KfW2's rain-check could mean a night out for just the two of us after Xmas. I'd love that to happen, but I am feeling pessimistic.

Oh!

I just noticed from posts on Facebook that R2 is back in the country. While I've not directly spoken to her in at least 20 years, we have swapped messages and proper letters. I'm pondering sending her a message to see if she wants to meet for a drink or a coffee while she's home, if she has the time.

Ooops!

I don't often drink to excess in the house, but with today taken as annual leave and my non-attendance at last night's work Xmas party, I cracked open a beer... then another... and another... and... well, you get the picture.

And then I hit the gin.

Before I knew it, it was half past two in the morning and I was extremely drunk.

I didn't get out of bed until late this morning and while I'm not hungover, I'm really muggy and tired.

Fun.

KfW2 reminded me today that it was the anniversary of our very first Christmas day out. The first year it was just me, KfW2, her then fiance and, briefly, CC.

We started just after lunch time and, by the end of the night, I was extremely tipsy. KfW2 had bought me three shots in a row and a Jaegerbomb "because you're not as drunk as I am and it's not fair".

I woke the next morning feeling remarkably good to a long, rambling voicemail from KfW2 that was really quite sweet (telling me how much she values my friendship) and funny (complaining that I didn't answer the phone). I think it took KfW2 about three days to recover.

This year, I think I'll be lucky if KfW2 is out any more than a couple of hours. And I'm still waiting for us to have our own adult day out. We're not that far off two years.

Repetition.

When KfW2's husband returned last night, we were sitting in the kitchen sipping mugs of tea.

I can't remember what the conversation was at the time, but it kinda went like:

"Ruuude has a stalker"

"Well, not a stalker... just a young lady with dubious taste in men," I quipped.

"She wants to marry you," laughed KfW2.

"Well, I try to stay away from people I work with." I said

"She's bonkers" said KfW2

"Well, we know about your lucky escape with Sports Girl" said KfW2's husband.

This is something that I've had to correct KfW2 on before, at least twice. SG was never in the picture as a girlfriend, so there was no lucky escape. At the time, KfW2 even suggested herself that I could use SG to "blow off some cobwebs". She's also said the same thing about Ideas Girl. There was a time where I had made small efforts to see if SG was open to something purely physical, but that seemed to be timing as her and GM were apparently getting close behind the scenes... plus she seemed to be dead against the idea of casual sex.

Ah well.

Keep on runnin'

I left the house with just enough time to get to the bus stop to get to KfW2's on time. Except, as I was within 100 metres of the bus stop, I realised that I'd left home wearing my reading glasses, not my general glasses.

I had I reckoned, about two minutes before the bus was due. It would take me, I reckoned, about two minutes to get back to mine, grab my everyday glasses and get back top the bus stop if I ran.

So I did. As I ran back to mine, I noticed that my Achilles tendon that would give me trouble from timer to time was remarkably pain-free. I grabbed my glasses, pulled the front door closed and ran back to the bus stop. I was only about 50 metres down the road when I felt a sharp pain in my left leg, just below the calf and just above the tendon. It hurt. It hurt enough that i had to stop running.

I limped the rest of the way, expecting to see the bus drive past as I neared the end of the street. I got lucky though.

For the rest of the evening, my leg hurt.

When I woke this morning, my entire body felt like it had taken a beating. Is this the start of an illness or am I really so unfit that a jog of probably not more than 400 metres makes me achey everywhere?

Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me.

Another dream last night, this time featuring FA2. It was around this time of year and I was doing a lot of Xmas shopping. For some reason, I was also spending a lot of time at FA2's house.

Now, back in the day, most nights I stayed over at FA2's, I would try to initiate sex. The pattern seemed to be that if it was mid-week, FA2 would refuse, but at the weekend, FA2 would go with it. In fact, we would have a lot of sex at the weekend, and FA2 would initiate it as much as I would.

Anyway, in the dream, I'd been staying at hers for a few nights, but the toll of getting ready for Xmas, the shopping etc. meant that we went to bed and promptly fell asleep.

In the morning, when I awoke, FA2 was already awake. I snuggled up to her, ready to initiate foreplay, but she stopped me.

"We have to talk"

I looked at her.

She went on to talk about how there was more to our relationship than sex and then promptly ended to relationship there and then, with me, naked, wrapped around her. It was at that point that I woke up.

FA2 did actually have a similar conversation with me once. We'd been dating a while at that point, just short of a year. For some reason, we'd arranged a night out with lots of people. The problem was that I'd gone into town to get tickets for a gig for me, D, FBS and a couple of others, and kinda stayed in town.

By the time everyone else turned up to the bar at 9 PM, I'd been in the pub for nine hours and was more than slightly tipsy.

For some inexplicable reason, FA2 decided this was a good time to have a serious conversation with me about our relationship. She'd wanted me to stay over at hers. I had said that I had planned to go back to mine, which prompted FA2 to assume that I wasn't staying at hers because her brother was there and, taking that thought process further, that I had assumed we'd not have sex because of her guest. And that might have been a small part of the reason, but in reality, it was mainly because I wanted a lie-in the next day. FA2 would be up early.

In the middle of the conversation, I grabbed my coat and left to go home. There was no reason for me to do that. FA2 didn't say anything that angered me or that I disagreed with. In my head, it had registered that I was too drunk and needed to go home. I had lost all track of time and was convinced it was still early-ish, maybe around half past ten. I couldn't stick being in the pub for another two to three hours in my state. My head told me I needed to go home. So I did.

I went to the taxi depot to order a taxi, but I had used the last of my money to buy the tickets and would be skint until either my student loan came in or everyone paid me back for the tickets. So... I had to walk home.

In those days, the walk from the bar to my house was around three miles. This was around Easter time, but it must have been an early Easter as I remember it started snowing on the way home.

The next morning, FA2 rang. So much for my lie in. We chatted. Her brother had gone for an earlier train than planned, so she was available to do stuff. I needed to buy some birthday cards, so she collected me and off we went. In the car, she re-iterated the statement about the relationship being more than sex. I apologised for walking off, explaining that I was happy to have the conversation, but that once my head told me it was home time, nothing would stop me. I explained the lack of money and the long walk home. I also said that I didn't think our relationship was based on sex. And to lighten the mood a little, I told her than upon waking that morning, I'd found a twenty pound note in the middle of all the gig tickets. I could have gotten a taxi home after all. She told me that it wasn't as early as I had thought when I left, in fact it was near 1 AM and they left the bar shortly after I did.

And the subject was never mentioned again. In fact,  FA2 and I never really talked about sex. In a relationship spanning nearly three years, it was only ever mentioned about half a dozen times.

I don't know what the dream was about, bit prompted the memory of the conversation I mentioned above.

Last minute plans.

I wasn't planning on heading out last night - I really didn't want to spend any more time with my boss or my two colleagues than required. But I had a frank chat with my boss yesterday morning. I don't think that's going to get my promotion or pay rise nor do I think he understands exactly what I am accusing him of (favouritism), but he can't say he wasn't told.

So, I got back into the house near midnight, very drunk and had been texting KfW2 who had also been out with her new team-mates.

I woke this morning to a semi-remembered dream. I was at KfW2's house - we were talking about nothing in general. It was late so she went upstairs to get into her bedclothes. However, the person who came down the stairs wasn't KfW2, but QC2... in a baby-doll nightdress.

And we resumed our chat in the kitchen, where she made something to eat. As a result of reaching into overhead cupboards, bending over to get pans out of the dishwasher etc. I got a full show of her athletic body.

And then I woke up.

Frustrated because of the dream (though I can't ever remember thinking about QC2 sexually before) and because I'm always horny after a night on the booze.

Bah and humbug (Season's Greetings!)

I've never really liked Christmas. It always just seemed to be far too much money, stress and hassle for an indulgent day.

I don't mind indulgent days, by the way. Treating yourself to some nice food or drink is one of life's pleasures, but to add to the stress by making it a big deal just never resonated with me.

It changed a little when I got to my late teens and was drinking. Heading out around that period to catch up with friends was pleasurable, though I still hated all the other bits. It changed a little again when a lot of my friends went off to uni. They'd come home at Christmas and one or two nights out were the only chance to catch up with them.

The only time I've been in a relationship over the Xmas period was when I was with FA2. However, at the behest of her domineering mother, she left the country over Xmas.

When my sister had kids, it changed again. Christmas kinda became fun. That's starting to wear off now though.

It's the lead up to Christmas. The present buying, worrying about what to get people, worrying that they won't like what they get. Thankfully, finances have rarely been an issue, but it's the other aspects that get to me.

The week between Christmas and the start of the new year are my favourite - the stress is dealt with and, family obligations over, I can focus on seeing friends. That's less common now with everyone being grown up with family of their own, so we don't have massive nights out with a dozen of us. Instead, we congregate in smaller numbers, but the nights are no less pleasurable for it.

Just say something, damnit.

A "tradition" started by me and KfW2 is an annual day out to the local Xmas market. They're usually good fun and we get a good crowd out (though we usually arrange them for ourselves and anyone extra showing up is a bonus).

Some memories from past Xmas days out are FP meeting SG for the first time, KfW2 and her hubby falling out and KfW2 leaving me a really sweet, albeit very drunken, voicemail on her way home.

This year, arranging it has been a pain in the ass. I've put out plenty of suggestions, but no-one replies, until it's decided.

Ruuude: "When's everyone available?"

No one says anything.

Ruuude: "Right. 15th December then?"

S: "Can't do that date."
FP: "Can't do that date."

Ruuude: *Lists dates I am unavailable*

No one says anything.

Ruuude: "What about doing an evening instead? We can meet after work?"

KfW2: "That suits me. I can do Wednesdays or Thursdays"

Ruuude: "OK, let's do a Thursday. I can take a Friday off for a long weekend."

No one says anything.

Sigh. GM and S are the prime candidates for this.

Treasures.

I was going through my box of stuff earlier, looking for a few things and I came across something that V had written for me prior to us parting company on my last day in the States. We were both hungover, sleep deprived and coming down off some chemical stimulation. All it really says is "It was fabulous meeting you. You're awesome." and her contact details. It's not written on fancy paper or owt and I have her details stored off on my phone. I've no idea why I've kept the paper version. Maybe I am a little more sentimental than I would admit.

Messy.

When I was dating FA2, we were invited to a party, hosted by her friend. For the sake of this story, I shall call her Sarah. At this stage, I'd been dating FA2 for around six months. Sarah had split from her husband (he had been cheating on her) and she'd ended up dating this guy. I can't remember how he figured in all of this, but between Sarah splitting from her husband and dating this guy, he was apparently interested in FA2.

Sarah came to me at an after-party for one of FA2's amateur dramatics performances.

"He's interested in FA2, you know."

"Well, she's dating me, so he's kinda out of luck." I probably wasn't as nonchalant as that sentence would suggest, but I was pretty dismissive being sure, at the time, that FA2 wouldn't do anything.

I think Sarah mistook my attitude of borderline apathy for one where I would smack this potential suitor down.

"I'm pretty sure she's not the one he has his eye on, though." I countered.

"Him? Who, me?"

I nodded. She snorted.

A few months later, and Sarah's invite came through to a party hosted by her and her new boyfriend, the potential suitor... at his house.

I'm not good with meeting new people and apart from Sarah, Potential Suitor and FA2, I'd know no-one. That scared me. I think FA2 recognised that, but she wanted to go.

"I'll make it up to you," she promised.

So we went to the party and I was out of my comfort zone for far too long - probably about 6 hours. Every single second was a living hell for me though I made the effort to try and mingle instead of cling to FA2. When we left (and we were the last to leave), Sarah was extremely grateful to me for turning up. I presume FA2 had shared some details of my social anxiety with Sarah.

By the time we get back to FA2's, I was mentally exhausted and fell asleep almost immediately. That was unusual for me - ordinarily, I'd have made some moves on FA2 for sex.

I woke later than usual the next day. FA2 was nowhere to be seen. She appeared not long after as I dozed with a tray. I was intrigued. It turned out to be fresh fruit and whipped cream and we proceeded to have an enjoyable morning of adult fun with the tray's contents. By the time we were finished, we were both exhausted, sticky but satisfied. FA2 wrapped herself around me.

"Told you I'd make it up to you," she purred.

I managed to summon the energy to drag FA2 into the shower, for a final round of fun and to get clean, and the rest of the day was spent lounging on the sofa, watching telly.

I don't know what that was the first thing on my mind when I woke this morning. I don't remember it being part of a dream or anything, but it put me in mind of wanting a cream cake. There's a bakery close at hand that does great ones, so I treated myself this morning to two of them. That's one craving satisfied.

Family friendly.

Q: What do last night, tonight, next Wednesday and the following Saturday have in common?

A: I'm baby-sitting.

I've never wanted kids. I thought I did when dating FA2, but I think that was more a sub-conscious thing at the time, knowing that my relationship with FA2 was doomed if we ever sat down and talked about kids. Having kids was a deal-breaker for me. Not having kids was a deal-breaker for her.

But kids love me.

Last night it was for my sis. The next three times, it's for KfW2, though arguably the last time will have both myself and KfW2. I'm just there for the brief period when she goes to pick up her husband from a night out.

Talky. Movey. Friendy.

A few weeks ago, while chatting to JB at a work event, we were talking about CC. In fact, we were in contact with her via text, trying to get her to come out, but she was having none of it.

JB then stated that she thought CC had a hard time talking to people.

"I think she relies on us because she finds us easy to talk to, more than other people."

She does have a hard time talking to people. Sometimes, talking to me, even I find her difficult. KfW2 has said the same, though I get the impression that KfW2 finds her a lot more difficult than I do. At least, difficult more frequently.

She only lives a few hundred metres from my house, but I've never been to her's. That's going to change though, because she's asked me to give her a hand moving some furniture, presumably over the next few days.

Socially speaking.

Over the next few weeks, I have lots of time off. Being astoundingly busy during the first half of the year, with little availability for time off means I had almost two thirds of my leave entitlement to take in the last third of the year.

I had gone to my boss about this in the summer - wanting/needing to take time off but not having the opportunity - but he was useless. All he did was re-enforce the importance of the work I was doing and the timescales I had to do the work. So... in going to my boss to complain about pressure and stress, all he did was add more pressure and stress and meant I was back-loading the year for time off.

Socially, it's a busy end of the year. It usually is. I'm babysitting for my sister on Wednesday, otherwise I might have attended a speed dating event (pending moral support from GM). In a few weeks, I'm babysitting for KfW2. There are TWO work things going on, but my anger and frustration at the current favouritism means I might not attend.

There's also an annual day/evening out that usually means S, GM, FP, KfW2 and possibly FC and Mrs FC come out, amongst others. The numbers could be smaller this year, but S has already started talking about it.

All of this revolves around days off - I'm working a shorter week for at least three weeks in a row and I have an entire week off at the end of the year for Christmas.

Result! Result?

There has been a flurry of activity on my Facebook account due to me posting a photo of little Ruuude in his youth. As a result I've been checking Facebook a little more often than I do usually. So this morning, I saw that Ideas Girl was out last night.

And this morning, I awoke to no drunk messages or abuse.

Maybe the "talk" I had with her a few weeks ago hit home? Or maybe she just wasn't drunk enough to be horny and abusive?

We will rock you. (Part 2)

My first foreign holiday, years ago, was memorable and not just because it was the first. Initially, I didn't really want to go. The idea of spending two weeks away from my friends in blazing hot sun was not filling me with positivity. However, I met a really pleasant young German girl, called Stefanie, who helped the time pass and my cousin was also there. He may have had his eye on Stefanie himself, but it seemed he was out of luck.

It also transpired that I was holidaying within meters of a girl I would later develop a huge crush on at school (who ended up dating my cousin - karma?) Our paths didn't cross that summer, but subsequent conversations did shed light on the fact we were in the same resort at the same time.

These memories came back to me today as I was looking at the tour list for the band I referred to in this post. It was at the same place that I'd holidayed all those years ago. Should I say to FP about getting tickets?

Crazy/hot

Over the past few days, V has posted a few pictures on Facebook. Selfies, actually. And... WOW! I mean, I've always been attracted to her, she's a pretty, interesting girl. But the recent photos are something else.

And yet... the crazy still shines through. I think it's possible she's even more crazy than Sports Girl. For example, she replies to her own posts.  Not anyone else's replies - she replies to herself. And "like" her own posts. She's definitely above the line in the crazy/hot matrix:

And nearly every post has something about her being vegan. That's not crazy though, that's just being vegan.

We will rock you.

The last few days have seen a flurry of activity. One of my favourite bands is coming to my city to play a gig next summer and FP and I have been trying to get pre-sale tickets. The last time it happened, I introduced FP and his wife to KfW2 and her then fiance. They hit it off, big time, and we all had a brilliant day that we still talk about today.

KfW2 and FP still have banter directly and they ask me if the other is coming out to any social thing I arrange.

It doesn't look like KfW2 can make it this time around, due to financial reasons (though she wants to), but I've just noticed her closest friend sending out some signals about going. KfW2 may make it yet, but the odds are not good.

Things to consider.

KfW2 seems to be very insistent that I will (inevitably) end up joining her new team in work. Apparently her boss has said he's going to re-advertise the job that I'd applied for a few weeks back in the New Year and has made encouraging noises about me. Everyone's (KfW2 and her boss) assumption seems to be that I'll go for it, but I wasn't even THAT excited about it last time, using it as a means to tell my boss how unhappy I was. He still hasn't had a chat with me to talk about it in detail.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I made it clear to my friends that I was planning on withdrawing my application if I actually got anywhere near an interview. I didn't because my boss apparently emailed HR and told them I wasn't available.

But for all the above to happen, they'd have to advertise it at a level that would mean a promotion for me. A sideways move at the same grade will be blocked by my boss. That does make it a little more tempting.

Watching.

On one of the forums that I frequent, someone posted a link to a site where it's like a 24-7 big brother. People are paid (or given free rent or both) to have their lives filmed for subscribers. It piqued my interest, so I clicked the link and, like some kind of inception, I'm watching, via webcams, someone making a film in an apartment in another timezone. Maybe Moscow.

One of the crew is a stunning brunette with a bob haircut and great figure. I'm having more fun watching her than the film-making going on.

Urgh.

So, last night got interesting. I had FBS in my bedroom, the office, the living room and the spare room. Not for the reasons you're thinking, dear reader. Get your mind out of the gutter (which is where mine was last night), but I had invited FBS back to mine for a drink after the pub and I was showing her my house.

Originally, D had called at the last minute to say he couldn't make it. Within minutes, Friction Guy messaged to say he wouldn't be coming out. That left me, FBS and potentially Opinionated Guy. Opinionated Guy has, in the past, simply not shown up for our nights out, or turned up hours late. It was going to be messy. It was a much earlier start than I'm used to and though we tend to finish earlier to avoid kicking out time, it's not that much earlier than the traditional closing time.

"What do we do?" sent FBS in a message.

"I'm still game to meet if you are," I replied.

"OK, see you there."

I was a little apprehensive. FBS and I have not really spent any time alone, nor spent any time chatting with each other since, well, when we were sleeping together. Any time since, there's always been a group of people and for years, I always found it to be awkward. So, I was interested to see how this was going to turn out. If OG was going to show up, it wouldn't be until a couple of hours after FBS and I met. Would it be awkward?

It wasn't - the conversation and laughs flowed easily and OG did show up roughly when we expected him, but the entire evening flew in.

It was 3 AM when FBS left and I collapsed onto the bed and awoke at 8 AM still fully clothed and hungover.

List of hangover cures and who introduced me to them:

• Sex (FA2)
• Lemonade and pure orange juice (E)
• Pint of ice cold Coke and... ahem... manual stimulation (BR)

I've tried E and BR's and it's still not shifted the hangover and I obviously have no-one with whom to try FA2's. It's going to be a long day. And I should say that I had hungover sex before I dated FA2, but she was the one to equate sex to reducing or removing hangover symptoms.

Phew!

I'd gotten my dates wrong. Instead of going out with D, FBS etc. on Friday night, it was Saturday night instead. That's unusual for us, but people's circumstances have changed and it's no longer just handy for us to meet after work.

However, that potentially scuppered other plans - something I needed to do for work at 4 AM on Sunday morning, for example. Could I come in from the pub at 2 AM, drunk, and either stay awake until 4 AM (unlikely - I'm a sleepy drunk) or wake up (unlikely, I'm a sleepy drunk).

However, a text message from Stalky Guy means that's now been cancelled! That's a result. I'd rather have a big lottery win mind you, if I am deserving of some luck.

Sigh (Part 2)

You know, I think KfW2's right. I think my issues talking to my boss are threefold:

• An uncertain feeling about how he'll take criticism
• Lack of confidence in one-on-one conversations
• An inability to talk to a lot of people face-to-face
• Never feeling like I've covered everything I want to say
• Not finding the right words

I'm still angry at myself because I can't deal with the things above and I'm paying the price. I should be better. 

Sigh.

No sooner than I had put my ass to a seat this morning, than my boss wanted to meet with me. A checkpoint meeting, apparently, but he seemed very insistent that it had to happen today. Not next week. Today.

I had no time and no inclination to meet with my boss. I've lost the motivation and my relationship with my boss has, as far as I am concerned, disappeared.

That's what happens when there's a perception, based on observation, of favouritism.

There was no mention of my refused job application. In fact, my boss started talking about next year's goals.

I wanted to call out the favouritism. I wanted him to ask why I applied for the job. I wanted to tell him my concerns about the performance scoring. And the salary gap.

But I didn't. And neither did he.

I feel I can't talk to my boss. I can't explain why - he's given me no reason to think he'd react badly (or worse than you'd expect anyone who you've just criticised). It's just a gut feeling.

And now I'm at home. And I'm angry at myself because I can't tell him the things that I've posted about here, because they are the reasons I want to move away, to a new team, a new department.

I was explaining this to KfW2. Well, everything apart from the anger at myself - that only came later.

"I've seen you have more difficult conversations," she said.

She's right. Why's this different?

"Is it because it's in a one-on-one?"

I dunno.

"Maybe. Could be part of it... I don't know."

And then she dropped me off home, the conversation only half-finished.

Still, I have a few days off work. Maybe it's bad timing seeing how the meeting ended (right at the end of the day) and I could maybe do with chasing this up... but I could really do with the time off right now as well.

Dreams.

There's a dream I've had on an infrequent basis, often after I've been drinking, that involves one of my infrequent nights out with D, FBS, Friction Guy and Opinionated Guy. D is staying at Friction Guy's house so they trundle off their way and FBS and I share a taxi home as we live in roughly the same area.

As I get dropped off first, FBS launches herself at me, we kiss and she whispers that she should come in for a nightcap. Obviously there is no nightcap and, once inside, we make it to my bedroom where we have sex.

FBS leaves the next morning, after more sex.

In real life, FBS is married, happily I think. But when we're out, I keep thinking that touches last just that little bit longer than they should. Hugs seem more frequent than with other female friends of mine. One of the last times we were out, I went in for a hug at the end of the night and got a kiss on the lips instead. Like my confusion with CH, it all seems just a little off.

In fact the dream only seems to have become a thing since the night with the kiss. And while it seems to be all in my head, I admit that I was a little disappointed when D asked to stay at mine this weekend as we're due another night out. It's not like FBS would make advances... and I certainly wouldn't make the first move.

Oh la la!

Another grim Monday morning. I was running late - it was difficult getting myself out of bed today to face a few days of work. I took solace in some online dating/Tindering on the bus. Who should pop up after a few swipes, but Attractive Neighbour.

I don't think I'm really her type, but I kinda wish our paths had crossed more when we were neighbours - she seems cool. She said something similar when I chatted to her on PoF  a while back.

Mental wandering.

The talk of fires on a cold, miserable night prompted some reminiscing about FA2 which led on to a daydream I have from time to time - the archetypal dirty weekend away. That was prompted by seeing the headline for a story on the cover of The Times, so over coffee, I went to the website and found the link - Sexiest Hotel Rooms in Europe (you'll need a subscription to see that). That kinda took me onto something else - an "upgrade" on my Bucket List idea of the Dirty Weekend - a week in the sun at a private villa. I'm not sun worshipper per se, but a week chilling in the sun sounds pretty good right now

While I was surfing The Times website, as the cover image for a different story, I saw an image of a couple that reminded me of RB... or rather remind me of the second time I met RB/our official date.

After what appeared to be a successful date, we arrived back at hers. She was adamant I accompany her home in the taxi, but I wasn't coming in. However, arriving back at hers, she asked me in. We settled in front of the telly after a little kissing and she pulled my arm around her. (A week or so later when I was explaining all this to QC1, she said that she thought this was a very intimate thing to do.)

And the image in question which depicts how we were on the sofa almost exactly:

So, yeah, a pretty interesting mental journey over a coffee or two this morning.

It has left me more than a little frustrated though, given the people  and circumstances involved in my thoughts.

When in doubt, talk about the weather.

It's miserable in my neck of the woods. Raining, windy, cold... the kind of night where I wish I had a fire. My house is warm enough, but there's something about a fire that just... I dunno... make things seem comfier?

I like the way you move.

While 5 beers and an reasonably early bedtime should have seen me be OK for today, a 5 AM awakening pretty much made me feel hungover - it's always the tiredness more than anything that gets me.

Still, arriving into work today and Quiet Girl was talking to a guy who sits near me. Her hair was doing that sexy, wavy thing again - she must go to the gym before work or something and not properly dry her hair as she has days like this from time to time and the mildly dishevelled look really suits her in my opinion.

We spoke briefly and she walked away, whereupon I admired her and the way she moved.

There's also talk of a work night out, but Quiet Girl won't be joining us this time - her own team has grown to a size that they have their own night. Saying that, I probably wouldn't have gone anyway - the work situation has dampened my appetite for work socialising with some people.

So, a pleasant, if frustrating start to the day.

Urgh.

An impromptu night out last night saw me having drinks with a colleague and a guest from the States. While it wasn't a terribly drunken night - three bars and twice as many drinks - it was fun and productive. It was worth it for conversations with both guys - an opportunity may arise to rejoin some ex-teammates, providing we can talk current bosses into it. Plus it's always good to build upon existing good relationships by talking to people face to face. While I don't work directly with the American guest, our paths do cross (and if the above mentioned opportunity comes about, then I will interact more).

Still, I awoke at 5 AM and was unable to get back to sleep, so suffice to say that today is going to be a long day. I've already had 3 strong coffees and I fear that might not be enough.

Sigh.

Unsurprisingly, I've already been told that I am not allowed to go for the job I applied for. My boss took me aside for five minutes to chat. Business reasons i.e. we're too busy and I'm too important.

He was at least clued in enough to know that there are reasons for my applying in the first place and we touched on them briefly.

I told him that there were numerous reason I had applied for the job, including the extreme lack of recognition for anything I had done over the past few years.

I could have said more. I will say more - we're due to meet again next week - and I will be better prepared to tell him in more detail what's annoying me, including:

• The blatant favouritism shown to Stalky Guy and another colleague over the past few years
• Fed up of taking on jobs, ostensibly to help me score well, only for it to count for nothing
• The stress of trying to compete with SG and others, when it's ultimately pointless
• Spending years trying to engage with managers with no result

But to hear my boss talk, his claims of openness etc. just made me angry... and sad. Another year "wasted" while I watch colleagues get promotions, HUGE pay-rises and all for doing a fraction of what I do.

I mean, Stalky Guy was MASSIVELY unprofessional in a meeting today. Did my boss take him into a room and talk to him about it? No. Stalky Guy gets away with that. When I didn't pass on a message from KfW2 to my boss (a message that KfW2 had communicated to my boss directly via email), he takes me into a room and threatens me with low performance scores. You can't argue that SG isn't seeing some favouritism.

It actually hurts my head that I can't get through to people - I've made it perfectly clear who does what in an objective way - given them enough direction to go off and see for themselves. I don't like having to do it, but I feel I have no choice.

Oh dear (cont'd).

Following on from my last post, I was chatting with KfW2 and we were sharing respective tales of our weekends. I regaled her with the antics of IG, which led into a conversation that ended with KfW2 saying (and I paraphrase):

"You should just screw her and get it out of her system... and yours."

The thing with KfW2 is that, while she's not prudish, her attitude towards (casual) sex seems to shift. Her comment was funny, and the suggestion wasn't outlandish in itself, but she seems... inconsistent.

A few years ago I suggested to KfW2 that I saw Sports Girl as a FWB - she was not dating material because she's nuts, but she is attractive and sexy. But a few months later, KfW2 was talking like I was chasing her as a girlfriend.

When she talked me into trying online dating, she was asking what I was looking for. The answer was, eventually, a long-term relationship, but dating etc. along the way was expected. I think that was the first time we'd talked about casual sex.

So it'll be interesting to see what KfW2's take on it is in a few weeks. Actually, it'll be interesting to see what her take on it is tomorrow.

Oh dear.

We had our regular work night out on Friday. I wasn't in the office, but I turned up anyway to meet Stalky Guy and a few others. But I wasn't really feeling it. I had my free drinks and left with a colleague to go to another (better) bar.

It was not long after we settled, pints in hand, that IG started messaging. Did she see me at the work event? Was I still there?

I answered the questions and left it at that. She kept messaging though. There was an element to it, more than a conversation. It was reminiscent of the time she suggested (I think) of staying over at mine when she was out, and drunk.

I played dumb, but she pretty much admitted that she was flirting. I continued to ignore it and then the messages got nasty. I was going to die alone, effectively.

I left her to it (I was back home by this time) and the next morning got a "I'm awful when I'm drunk"

Well, yes IG, you are. But it's more than that. You're nasty. I let her stew on the message before I told her that she would not be repeating it. She apologised at that stage and I repeated that the comments were out of order, but she'd apologised, so I'd moved on. She sent a final message saying that she'd been up all night worrying about it.

I wouldn't say that IG and I are close friends. I barely classify us as friends, though I do have "issues" with classifying people. Another post another time, perhaps.

Still, that's the second time that she's been nasty when I have spurned her advances. A third time will not be tolerated.

Face off.

I applied for the job last week, but even before I submitted the application, I knew I didn't really want it. I can still withdraw my application, but regardless, I don't think my boss will let me leave the team right now. There's too much on and we're already under-staffed.

But, at least applying for the job will show my current manager how unhappy I am. He doesn't see it, but I have a lot more visibility into the people, around me than he does. I know what they do daily, I know how much they earn and in nearly all instances they're better off than I am - fewer responsibilities, higher grades, higher salary.

At least, that's what I hope (that he'll see how unhappy I am) - that's also KfW2's theory. It's, quite frankly, downright insulting the way promotions and pay-rises have been given out over the past few years.

And I'm not entirely sure that my manager will take it well. In fact, I expect him to take it badly, and if I read him right, he'll complain about his problems and ignore the fact that this is not a knee-jerk reaction, but the culmination of four years of frustration on my part.

They could talk me into staying, but that would require an immediate promotion and a pay rise. I know my peers earn 30% more than I do, but I'm realistic. I'd settle for 10%, but even that's impossible.

They will cite company policy for not being able to do something (even though they are/were going to employ someone who would be a higher grade than me and earn more).

I'm nervous about having the conversation with my boss, but I'm more likely to come out of the meeting angry than satisfied.

Sigh.

Oh dear.

So, the conversation with E's little sister is ongoing and with GM in mind, I try to start talking about meeting socially. Maybe she might want to meet some evening for a beer or a coffee, maybe? If We can sort that out, maybe then I can get her out at the weekend to meet GM...

But, no. She doesn't drink alcohol any more, nor does she take caffeine.

That's gonna make it kinda difficult to get her and GM in the same room.

Good times

Years and years ago, F came to visit. F and I were very friendly. F had invited me to stay in her hotel room while she was here, but I never got a read on whether she wanted anything physical to happen. F had, to the best of my knowledge, slept with a lot of people, and her fair share from the online hobby where we had met. But for years, I simply couldn't pin down if we were flirting, mucking around or whatever. I think I eventually decided that I had, at some level, wanted to sleep with her, but even now I'm not sure if that's accurate.

Regardless, one of the first nights she was here, we ended up in a bar just down the road from her hotel. I was teasing her about something, and that led to me making a bet with her, that she wouldn't put her leg behind her head. She claimed she could do it, and I believed her, but the challenge was to do it in the half empty bar. And to be fair to her, she did. And thirty seconds after she did, she went to the bar, and I think every bloke within visual range followed her.

She fobbed them off - I was her boyfriend, she said - and returned with drinks. We laughed about it all night and she spent the entire night teasing the guys - stroking her ass in full view of everyone. "Absent mindedly" adjusting her bra (she is a busty girl, is F) and her jumper for maximum cleavage. She could have, at any time, taken any of them back to her hotel room. I don't think I've ever seen anyone hold the attention of an entire room full of people before, in that way.

But I didn't tell her that... I just teased her about her choice of men, specifically the ones from the online hobby.

And all this was brought about having seen a woman put her leg behind her head and drink a beer on Reddit.

Ooops!

I've just realised that I've got a HUGE hole in my jeans. Luckily I'm wearing trunks, but I'm hoping no-one* saw too much today!

I actually was speaking to a few people, one-to-one today including Quiet Girl. No-one was stealing glances to where the hole was, so I think I'm safe.

Matchmaking.

Years ago, I had a vague notion of setting GM up with E's younger sister. Then GM went and shacked up with SG. (I must go back and look at the actual dates, but it seems to me that there was little time between wanted to introduce E's sister to GM and GM meeting SG).

Now, GM is single and I'm having an infrequent conversation with E's little sis.

Can I get the two of them in the same room this time?

Making a point.

Just like my online dating adventures, I've been browsing our internal job site to see if there's anything interesting. If I'm not being appreciated by my current boss, I might at least start again.

And, eventually, I saw a job that looked vaguely interesting. Not 100% what I want (though to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what that is right now), but certainly enough to look closer. So I set up a meeting with the guy who's doing the hiring and went to meet him for a chat.

It was KfW2's boss. I should have clicked when I read the job description.

Still, he gave me enough to think about it. I'm not 100% suitable, but I can probably put together a good enough internal application to warrant an interview.

And, right now, that's enough. It's enough to give my manager a shock... though he's unlikely to let me leave under the current circumstances, but I'm beyond caring about him. If he valued my contribution, I'd be promoted or would expect one in my next review, but he's already said that it's at least 18 months away.

I had one last obstacle. I wanted to ask KfW2 if she had any issues with me potentially joining her new team. People already talk about us, people talking is her prime reason for never staying over at mine and if people found out I was moving to her new team then, you guessed it, people would talk. Maybe she enjoyed the fact that we weren't working side-by-side every single day, as we were prior to her leaving for the new opportunity?

She had no issues.

Her initial reply was "Hahahahahahaha" and I got several of those throughout the day, but ultimately she was "go for it", after some teasing about missing her.

So, I have a few days to put together an application and send it off. Right now, I'm more interested in making a point with my boss than actually getting the job, but maybe that'll change if I get an interview?

Hurrah!

There had been a large silence from the Whatsapp group that include GM and S amongst others. The last I heard was that they were deciding on fancy dress for Saturday night.

I was feeling nosey this morning, so I sent a message asking how they got on. After all, our Hallowe'en nights out have always been good fun and there's usually a talking point or two.

Not this year, though! GM said that he never left the house as he was feeling unwell. S has been quiet all day, though.

Maybe I can still have my night out as planned this weekend, in lieu of missing Hallowe'en?

Confirmed.

KfW2's sister-in-law has already posted dozen of pictures from last night's party at KfW2's and has re-enforced my belief that not attending was the right idea. A family affair, where everyone had dressed up would have seen me entirely out of place as a non-family member and the only person not dressed up.

I can't remember the last time I did fancy dress - possibly in my late teens with FP where I felt completely out of place and self-conscious. To be honest, it's only been reasonably recently that I've felt comfortable dressing in a suit for the same reason  (and I'm putting that down to compliments from QC1 or the fact that FA2 practically ripped it off me any time I wore it). I'm very much a jeans and t-shirt guy.

But appreciative comments from FA2, QC1 and AM when I bought, and wore, my first "proper" suit helped. More recently, compliments from KfW2 and CH (and non-verbal reactions from CH as well) have helped greatly.

But I still won't do fancy dress.

Sniff.

I have a folder on my PC full of personal stuff. It's not personal stuff like CVs or stuff related to my house, but actual, proper personal stuff - drafts of messages, some chat logs. Essentially stuff that I wouldn't want other people to read.

I was browsing an old chat between myself and KfW2 from years ago when she was trying to get me to try online dating. I was reluctant and eventually confessed to previously trying it and it kicking me in my self-esteem.

The entire conversation, snatched over the course of a few days, reminded me of why I was friends with KfW2. She exudes a warmth and empathy that I don't ever remember getting from anyone before, even AM who I was close with for years. FA2 showed it in spells, but you'd expect that from your partner.

And it kinda made me feel a little bit lonely as well. I want to meet someone like that. Having some emotional support, right here, at a time where I'm professionally and personally unhappy would be a great help, I think.

FFS or oops?

As posted a few days ago, KfW2 had invited me to hers tonight. I said 'no', primarily because I need to catch up on sleep and get rid of an ongoing headache, but also because it's a family night and I'd spend the entire time retreating into my shell. That, in turn, would annoy/concern KfW2 who still hasn't come to terms with my shyness and quietness around people that I don't know.

Still, I had next week to look forward to - a night out with GM and S, amongst others. Hallowe'en nights out with that group are always fun, and it was one such night a few years ago where SG admitted that she liked me, then promptly left the bar.

Except that it appears that next week's night out isn't next week, but tonight. I've scrolled through the messages and no-one mentions specific dates. A Hallowe'en night out could easily mean tonight or next Saturday, but it was never clarified.

I've shifted the headache, at last, but I still need a decent night's sleep, so I won't be at either KfW2's or with S and GM tonight.

Figures.

KfW2 texted me late last night.

"What you doing this Saturday?"

"Nothing right now," I replied.

"Wanna come down to mine on Saturday for party?"

"Let me think about it"

And that was it.

Today:

"Why you not coming to mine?"

"I've not decided if I am or not yet, but I've got a three day headache and I'm not sleeping well. I don't want to say I'll go down, then have to cancel if I still feel like crap at the weekend."

She seemed satisfied with the reply, which was the honest truth. Then on the way home...

"Can I go shopping?"

I looked at her quizzically.

"For the weekend" she explained. "I'm cooking."

"Oh, at this stage, I'd say no. I'd rather not say yes then cancel. I still feel like crap."

"Well, don't ever complain that you're never invited down cos 90% of the time you refuse."

That's interesting. I never complain that I'm not invited down. I might complain that I only ever get invited down when other people are there, or it's a kiddie friendly play date or that she doesn't come out with me for a grown up night out. But me feeling like crap aside, part of me wouldn't want to go down because it's a family night - KfW2 and hers, her sis-in-law and KfW2's parents (and probably parents in law as well).

And 90% of the time, I refuse? Somehow I think she's exaggerating. 20%, I'd allow (but still think was high). Or maybe it seems higher to her because she's genuinely disappointed I don't go down more?

Urgh.

Another restless night, another weird dream. This time I was travelling, spending an extended time in a foreign country. While I wasn't visiting FA2 per se, we were spending a lot of time together. And we were having some frank conversations about our breakup. Except, it wasn't always FA2. It would alternate betwen FA2 and KfW2, though the message was consistent - "you hurt us, we were there for you, but we had no other choice and we're sad that we had to make that decision".

Suffice to say, I was a little agitated when I woke this morning. That's on top of a three day headache and a general lack of sleep. Today is going to be a long day.

Oh, hello.

Swiping through Tinder today, bored, and who should pop up, but SG! I've been expecting it for a while to be fair. Only the one photo and, what's this? Has she lied about her age? Oooh, interesting. The temptation is to swipe right, but she's far too bonkers to even contemplate it. And as for having a conversation... while GM wouldn't care (he claims she's our friend too), I would end up giving her a piece of my mind as she's been in the wrong about pretty much everything since her and GM split.

Plus, I still have the suspicion that she was only friends with us to get to GM. Paranoid? A little, maybe, but SG is full-on bonkers and her contact with me ended the very second her and GM became an item.

Bear in mind that only a few weeks previously, she was sending me text messages practically every minute (KfW2 was both amused, entertained and appalled at the same time).

Cheers!

Next week I have three... THREE nights out in a row. Possibly four if I can make up my mind about something. That's a bit of a break in my social dry spell (I don't count catching up with FP as a night out).

And they're not sensible, sober affairs either.

A night out with my sis and brother-in-law, a night out with work peeps and the annual Hallowe'en night out with S, GM etc.

There's also a speed dating night that I'm contemplating, and there was an outside chance that I might have had a night out with KfW2 as well, though she's double-booked that weekend. That'll need to be re-arranged.

My liver's going to take a pounding. Oopsie!

Sigh.

My dad has been closely involved with a local charity for the best part of two decades. He's often asked me to go to events, which I have done in the past, but these days, I'm finding myself more and more annoyed with his actions around the charity. He's always been frugal, but this extends to the charity.

They spend effectively no money on themselves, and it shows. All flyers, pamphlets etc. are printed at home, using knock off ink on a 5 year old printer. The written English is quite poor as well. That means that they don't give off a good impression of themselves, despite the fact that they're quite successful.

Over the two decades, they've raised tens of thousands of pounds for various causes.  I've had these conversations with the charity people about improving their image, in the best way that I can, but they don't listen (or want to listen). Spending £100 to make £1000 is better than spending nothing and making £100, but they can't see this.

The numbers are dwindling. The charity is doing nothing to engage new people. Some of the events are the same people turning up time and again, a couple of times a year. This is all papering over the cracks. My dad needs the charity to continue, for his own sanity, for something to do... but it's getting away from him I think.

The magic numbers.

The magic number is 218.4 lbs.

That's 99kg.

That's been my weight for a while now - like some kind of equilibrium - where my "normal" eating habits and exercise seem to land me. I'm pretty sure any posts in the past where I've weighed myself will give my weight roughly around 218 lbs, even though there are days I "feel" different (i.e. fatter).

So that makes my target 211 lbs for the FP challenge.

This isn't much different from my goals from a few years ago where ideally I eventually wanted to get to 196 lbs, 14 stone, 82.5 kg. If I can hit that, then I'll re-evaluate where I want to go from there.

218 lbs > 211 lbs > 210 lbs > 196 lbs

It'll be tough, but it's not complicated.

Shake on it.

I had a long overdue night out with FP last night. I can't remember the last time we were out, but it must be easily at least six weeks ago. We ended up in our usual haunt, when it's just the two of us - the bar where I saw CB.

It wasn't any busier than normal for a Sunday night, but it was notable for the fact that every single girl in the bar was a) blonde and b) very attractive. So much so, that conversation with FP took a while to get going as we were busy admiring the view(s).

And we made a two-way "wager". The Christmas Market in our city opens in about 5 weeks, so we both have 5 weeks to lose 7lb (roughly 3kg) in time for it opening. Whoever doesn't lose the weight owes the other person two drinks of their choice at the market.

FP is already well into his own weight loss routine, having lost over 2 stone over the past year. I'm still trying to motivate myself to get back into Yoga and start eating better. I've also had my eye on a watch/fitness tracker, but at £150, it'll require a little bit of saving.

Looks like I'm getting on the scales tonight.

And words are all I have.

Following on from this post and, after having a chat with a couple of ex-colleagues, I've got an email drafted to send to my boss. It pretty much says that I want off the team, that I'm looking for other jobs and I need to do this for the good of my health.

I've been pretty much obsessing about promotions for a couple of years, which isn't healthy in itself, but there's been added stress from a few sources and, if I am being honest, my boss is falling short of my expectations (based on my boss's opinion of himself).

The problem is that I've not seen anything (I've already been looking for a few weeks) and my boss is likely to block any internal move. There are a few reasons I don't want to move externally, but I have to be realistic and keep that option there.

The timing isn't great. My boss is off work this week for stress-related reasons, so landing this on his doorstep isn't ideal, however you don't get any Brownie points for worrying about other people. Indeed to worry about myself so, to directly quote KfW2... "Fuck him".

Wot?

Years ago, when I worked alongside QC2 and Friction Guy, we were... friends? I have difficulty classifying people, but I guess we were friends. Even so far as to socialise together. We had the same favourite bars and would often, albeit coincidentally, end up having an impromptu work night out as we'd be in the same place with our respective groups of (non-work) friends.

When I left for other opportunities, we stayed in contact, though the nights out with the three of us faded away. I would often meet up with QC2 on her own, while I would see Friction Guy with D, FBS etc.

It's hard to believe, even now, that QC2 and I spent almost an entire year not really talking to each other. We'd even have tea break with Friction Guy and not really communicate.

"I dunno why she's not talking to me," I confided in Friction Guy. "I don't think I've done owt wrong."

"You're reading too much into it" was his reply.

But I wasn't convinced. Eventually, I decided I had done something wrong and went about being friendly, but distant with her.

What I didn't know at the time was that QC2 was having almost exactly the same conversation with Friction Guy that I had been having. Somehow, at the same time, we'd both managed to convince each other that they'd done something to piss us off.

I can't even remember how we got back on track, just that one day, we were talking again and shortly after that, we resumed our "three musketeers" nights out.

Nor do I know why that popped into my head in the middle of a meeting this afternoon. But it did.

Demanding

For far too long, I've been suggesting to KfW2 that we go out for an adult day or night out. We used to do these regularly, then frequently once she started planning her wedding/got married to infrequently once she started a family.

The last adult night out we had was over 18 months ago. In the meantime, she's been out with various female friends including CC.

So, I took the bull by the horns today and suggested a date early next month. She's looking into it. I have slight concerns because her money is still tight. It'd be nice, though. I know she's as interested in an adult night out as I am, we always have really good nights out, so I'm hopeful that even if she can't make my proposed date, she'll have something else in mind.

It's only words.

I kinda bottled it today. I had planned on composing an email to my boss to inform him of my intent to move off the team to try something somewhere else. As you might have guessed, I didn't do that. I was super busy all day long and while I did start to write the email, I couldn't figure out the right wording. I don't need to say everything, but I want enough to start a conversation, if there's a conversation to have.

I like my work and team, but I'm fed up of watching the people around me get promoted while I do the same standard of work, but get ignored.

Who are you?

I've seen this quote pop up a few times over the past few days, mainly  but not exclusively, on Facebook.

I read a book that blew my mind. The main character goes crazy when he realises no one really knows him.

The gist is that the person you think of as "yourself" exists only for you, and even you don't really know who that is. Every person you meet, have a relationship with or make eye contact on the street with, creates a version of "you" in their heads. You're not the same person to your mom, your dad, your siblings, than you are to your coworkers, your neighbours or your friends. There are a thousand different versions of yourself out there, in people's minds. A "you" exists in each version, and yet your "you", "yourself", isn't really a "someone" at all.

For reference, the book is "One, no one, a hundred thousand" by Luigi Pirandello. I've not read it so can't offer a recommendation or even tell you what it's about, other than it spawned this thought provoking quote.

And that got me to thinking. USHW and I have, in the past, thrown questions to each other. Not serious questions - lots of "what if" scenarios, or top lists and that kind of thing. One recent-ish (I think, I can't remember the exact timing) question was around super powers. That went on for a while. One of the mooted super powers was mind reading, and the quote above reminded me of that conversation.

It would be interesting to see how other people's perception of me differs or matches my own perception of myself.

Doctor, doctor, gimme the news...

I finally had my GP's appointment today. Somewhat predictably, I don't think it went very well. Most of that was because I didn't really know what I wanted to get out of it. KfW2 was hoping, I think, that my GP would give me a line to take time off work. That's not how my GP works and, to be honest, that's not really what I wanted either.

I did have a reason for going, though, after taking some health tests at work and being told that the results were not great and that some results might be stress-driven, including some physical issues.

I explained this to my GP and, surprisingly, he went off on a rant.

"What advice did they give you?"

"Advice? I got this printout with these numbers on it"

He ranted on. Then he looked at the printout. Cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar levels... He didn't even raise an eyebrow.

"They're slightly high, but nothing to be concerned about. You can easily rectify these with minor dietary adjustments."

He took my blood pressure. It was even lower than had been previously measured, despite the fact I'd walked to the surgery at a fairly brisk pace. Well, brisk for me.

The upshot was he suggested going back in a few months and taking some of the tests again, but he re-iterated that he wasn't that concerned with the numbers. He suggested exercise would help with the stress management and weight loss while the diet would help the figures as well as contribute to the weight loss.

I trundled off, somewhat confused and thinking I wasted his time - this was my thought - my GP had not given that impression at all.

I was halfway home when I remembered that I'd not mentioned my lack of sleep or the memory issues or the hearing issues, both of which have roots in my stress over the past 18 months. He did imply that the stress needs sorted though.

If nothing else, I can look my boss in the eye and tell him I've seen my GP about stress.

Nose-based nostalgia

Years ago, at secondary school, I was friendly with a cute girl. I had a mild crush on her, though I think most of the boys in or around her age did too - she was very pretty with an amazing figure. And, in fact, one of our core group ended up dating her for a few years. She wore a particular body spray or perfume. I don't know what it was called, or even what the scent was. I've always described it to myself as a smoky/tobacco kind of fragrance, but without any frame of reference or reason why I chose that description. I've smelt it a few times over the years (though not recently), and it always reminds me of her.

She pops up on my Facebook feed every now and again. We're Facebook friends, though we don't communicate. The friendship was never that strong, but it faded almost immediately once we left school. As I was doing some housework this morning, I tore open a packet of carpet cleaner and it smelled like that body spray... mostly. There's a scent in the mixture that says "smoky" to me. And  immediately, my mind went back to school... to the crush.

Runaround.

For the first time in a long time - months - I spent an afternoon with KfW2 and her kids. Even though it's been a while, her kids took to me again immediately. They always have, but I was wary that not seeing them for two or three months might have faded the affection they have for me.

I don't "like" kids. I've never wanted a family of my own, but I seem to get on brilliantly with other people's.

And it's tiring! I don't know how KfW2 does this every day. I'm looking forward to my bed tonight - if I don't get a good night's sleep tonight, there's something wrong.

Just nice things.

Stress has meant that my memory hasn't been as sharp as I would like... and I've been proud of my ability to remember things. It's nowhere near a disaster and I know it's very much stress-related and, I hope, temporary. In a semi-related thing, what I've also noticed is that, with being so busy in work, things I want to do during work hours get forgotten - GP appointments, workmen out to look at issues at the house etc.

I finally managed to get a guy out to look at the heating - it's not broken, but it wasn't 100%. Showers and hot water were tepid rather than hot. The guy explained that the boiler is on its last legs, so I need to investigate that before it actually does break irreparably. That's going to be expensive.

But today saw the first hot shower I've had in nearly six week and by God it was GLORIOUS.

Weird.

I had a weird dream last night that involved many aspects of my life all rolled up into one. The details are fading, but what I do remember is that:

• I was working in the job I had about 14 years ago
• Quiet Girl and I were extremely close (not in a romantic sense)
• E was there too, but I can't remember why
• Despite knowing E and QG, E and QG were new starts while I was the expert and I had to teach them the job
• Somewhere towards the end it kinda turned into a thriller/mystery kinda thing.
• I can't remember what we were trying to solve, but we never did.
• QG and I slept together - as in were actually asleep in a bed, naked, cuddling - but there was no sex

I didn't even have any cheese last night, ffs.

Oh...

Maybe I was a tad hasty with my admiration of Quiet Girl's new hairdo as she arrived into the office this morning with her hair straightened out. Still, as I had arrived in a lot earlier than usual thanks to some KfW2 flakiness, it was only the two of us, so instead of catching up on work, I sat and chatted with her a bit about her holiday. It's a work night out in a week or so, next time I'm talking to her, I'll ask if she's going. I doubt she is, but we're a social bunch and there are a few new people, so it'd be nice to fire out a general invite.

Hello again.

After being absent for a few weeks, Quiet Girl was back in the office sporting a new hairdo and looking nicer than ever. I went over for a chat. She'd been on holiday, so I spent a pleasant few minutes ogling her chatting about her holiday.

WOAH!

I'm not going to go into a great amount of detail over this but GM has split up with SG. It's gotten VERY messy, but I think GM now sees her for what she is - flaky and unstable. I could have told him that... I actually think he knew it himself, but she has gone nuclear since the two of them have parted ways.

It's only been a few weeks - I don't see this being over yet.

Oh, hello.

A somewhat last-minute text message from G last week saw me meet up with him and M in the pub on Friday night. We were due to hit my usual, local pub (i.e. the CB pub), but M's sudden appearance meant we changed venue to suit him.

"M's sneaking out for a pint" was the quote used by G.

That kinda annoyed me - I've been trying to get M out for a pint for months. I can't remember the last time we did. But I do know that M has been out recently with BR and now G.

Regardless, it was a good night, M only hung around for a couple with family duties early the next morning.

It was G and I left, propping up the bar, when I saw a really pretty blonde girl conversing with the barman. She looked vaguely familiar. It took about five minutes for the penny to drop - she'd been on a couple of the online dating sites. I'd swiped right - she had a blonde Emma Willis vibe about her. And even then, she'd been familiar. She used to be married to someone locally famous. I'm convinced I've blogged about it, but I can't find the post. Regardless... six months after appearing in the local paper talking up her new relationship, she was on the dating apps again, and by the looks of it, on a date.

She wasn't as pretty as her pics (she's stunning IMO in her pics), but "just" very pretty in person.

Another memory.

Years ago, my favourite bar wasn't my current favourite bar. But we'd go there regularly - myself, BW, AM, QC1 and the rest of the crowd. It did live music music too. In fact, it was where I met CAB, though she is not the focus of this post. This one's for R2. R2 was serving behind the bar one night when BW and I were in. She let a pint overflow as she was trying to make too many drinks at one time and I teased her about it. We struck up a kind of conversation every time I went to the bar and, to give her credit, she remembered me a few weeks later.

From then on, if I went in and she was working, we'd chat if she served me. This continued to grow to the point where, if she was on a break and we were in the bar, she'd sit with us and chat.

QC1, QC2 and AM were delighted.

"She's really into you," they'd say.

I didn't see it. We chatted, that was it. There was no flirting going on that I could tell, no physical touching to suggest anything other than a potential friend. I never knew if she was dating or seeing anyone else.

It was months later when everything seemed to click. I had a spare weekend, she had a rare weekend off, we'd mentioned our shared interest in a few bands, one of which was playing in town. So we arranged to meet. I didn't consider it a date - I'd still seen nothing to make me believe this was anything other than platonic. I called to confirm times and her flatmate told me she was in the shower and would call me back. The call never came.

The next day, I was doing some charity work with QC2 and invited her back to mine for a coffee afterwards.

We were talking about R2 when the phone rang. It was R2. She was apologetic - friends called round and she got side-tracked having a drink with them and didn't even get to the gig. She promised that we'd definitely have a night out.

I relayed all this back to QC2 who was dubious.

Our normal routine returned for a month or so until she sat beside me, one night, on her break.

She was leaving, she explained. Once she got her graduation ceremony out of the way, she'd gotten a visa for the States and was off there to live.

And she did just that, but we retained our little friendship until she left, and did manage to see each other socially a few times - a night out and a couple of lunch dates, the last only a few days before she left. It ended with a kiss. Like those I used to get from CH - slightly too long to be a peck on the lips, not quite long enough to be able to definitively say was not platonic.

She took my address, though I never expected to hear from her again... but surprisingly, she did send letters and we stayed in contact probably for four years or so. They stopped suddenly, though I didn't ever find out why. There was a chance sighting in my home town in 2009 that prompted me to look for her on Facebook and send a friend request and we've been in sporadic contact ever since. Today, according to Facebook, is the 9th anniversary for our Facebook friendship.

Lookalikes (Part, whatever)

This is adult film star Corey Chase, dressed as Supergirl.

Very nice! But just being an attractive woman is not a reason alone for posting her picture. It's also because she really reminds me of CAB. If you gave her dark brown hair, then it would be more apparent, but the shape of the face, the eyes, and the smile are all reminiscent of CAB. Perhaps even the figure, too, but CAB would never be caught dressed up in something revealing nor did she have the outstanding abs. I can't even remember CAB wearing a skirt. She was very definitely a jeans and t-shirt girl.

Pie eating.

I've had a plan to go and see my GP for a while now. I keep forgetting to do it - like a lot of things these days, it's on my list of things to do, but I get side-tracked in work (which is the only time I can call the surgery) and then repeat for weeks on end. I've had the same issue with getting people out to look at some house things as well.

Anyway, while it's not a replacement, we had a health-related event in work recently and I signed up (courtesy of one of GM's exes) for a health check.

I wasn't expecting disastrous news, but I wasn't expecting to be told that everything was rosy either. I'd say that the news was on the "bad" side of neutral without being worrying.

I'm over-weight, but not as bad as I thought. My BMI marks me as obese, just about. My blood pressure is slightly high. I'm an inch shorter than I had thought, though I'd not measured myself in some years. My blood sugar is well within limits though my cholesterol is slightly high.

This does not make my GP trip redundant. I still need to see my GP after the stresses of the past 18 months and the fact that the bad news is only slightly bad is encouraging, but still needs addressed.