Analysis

This year has seen somewhat of a posting frenzy on BNANPOF. My second all-time number of posts in a single year in thirteen years of blogging.

It seems that some of the core issues that started me blogging in 2005 are still present now. Being single and a desire to be healthier are certainly still forefront in my mind. I still find it therapeutic to rant/analyse/get stuff off my chest, even if interaction with my readers is almost nothing.

Some other issues - my living circumstances and professional circumstances have evolved. I'm in a better place on both counts, but they're not without their own issues.

To be honest, I never thought I would have still been posting after thirteen months, never mind thirteen years.

Getting back to post counts - interestingly, the two biggest years so far have corresponded to women - RB and CB. Well, I don't know if they're responsible per se for the high post counts, but in both years 2008 and 2013, the respective women would have been the focus of a good number of posts as they were on my mind a lot, even only briefly.

That hasn't been the case this year. No significant new females have appeared on my radar.

This month has been my all-time top month for posting - averaging over a post a day. The closest I've come to this was July 2008 (and RB).

Ah well... let's hope that 2018 brings an upgrade to the romantic and health aspects, eh?

FFS

And now SG has just sent a message asking where we're going tonight.

Two days ago, no-one was coming out as they'd all made arrangements or had commitments. GM especially had specifically said he wasn't going to come out. I'd assumed that he and SG would spend the evening together. I'd not expect my girlfriend to go out on NYE if I were in the house.

I've replied, saying that I thought no-one was out and that I'd already made arrangements to go to my sis's (a lie). I could change my mind, but I'm going to treat myself to a Chinese takeaway tonight and I doubt I'll feel any more energetic with a belly food of tasty food.

Part of me does want to go out. I've complained often enough about  NYE to not consider it and I could probably talk GM and SG into coming to my side of the town, to my favourite (local) bar.

But I hit the sauce fairly hard last night under the assumption that tonight, I'd be sitting in the house, watching TV and playing video games. While I'm not hungover, I am tired and lazy and lethargic and I often find it difficult to break that mindset once I'm in it.

Will I regret this decision near midnight when I could have been out with SG and GM? Maybe.

Hmmm...

Temptation.

"Oh right. I’d offer to act as substitute but I just got roped into babysitting as I’m not going out anyway."

We were having a conversation an hour or so ago about New Year's Eve. IG had offered her services as a substitute in light of me explaining that I quite enjoyed going out on NYE but that this year, everyone had alternative plans. She doesn't seem to like NYE herself though: "It’s the biggest and most anti-climactic night of the year."

My first thought wasn't about going to the pub, but rather back to IG's booty call messages from a while ago. Seeing as I'm in need of The Cure and going through the longest dry spell in the world, there is an ongoing temptation to take her up on her offer.

But I know that it wouldn't work. While IG is pretty enough, ultimately she's not causing any stimulation of the nether regions. If she thinks NYE is anti-climactic at the best of times, trying to have sex with me isn't going to change that outlook.

Groan.

With tonight looking like it's going to be a washout, and with having the cold over the Christmas period, I was very much looking forward to meeting FP and his wife last night. We were heading to one of my favourite bars to see one of my favourite local bands.

As a bonus, BW had messaged me on Facebook asking if I wanted his tickets. He'd planned on attending, but there was a last-minute change of plans and they were going spare.

Somewhat out of the ordinary, I was scanning the room while talking to FP. I don't usually - if I'm out with people, they get my full attention.

In the bar before the gig, there was a very cute blonde girl. She reminded me a little of a cross between QC1 and Ellie Harrison off the telly (pictured below). Despite the somewhat early time (it was a little after 8 PM when FP and I met - his missus couldn't attend), she was exceedingly drunk and pouring more Jaeger Bombs down her neck as I watched.

When we got into the gig itself, we sat beside a group of people who seemed to be with the band. There was one girl that intrigued me - a dark, bob haircut, backless top with a tattoo right between her shoulder blades. Dark hair? Short hair? Backless top? Tattoo? All of these can be a turn-on if done correctly.

However, it was soon apparent that she was involved with the guitarist, and that didn't really matter because, from the front, she wasn't really doing it for me anyway.

Even though the gig venue was, at best, half full, I still enjoyed myself. The band were great, as always. They've always packed out this venue before, so the empty seats were a real puzzle. Maybe the night before New Year's Eve isn't a great idea?

However, this morning, after last night's indulgences with a lingering albeit hazy memory of the blonde girl and backless tops and tattoos and dark bob haircuts, I awoke in need of The Cure.

To do...

In a few days, I'll be back to work after nearly two weeks off. In that two weeks, I have accomplished pretty much bugger all. It doesn't bother me now, but it will once I return to work.

There are quite a few things around the house that I want to do, that have been on my list for some time - just little things to keep the whole House Project moving along. For example, clear the loft of the crap that was left behind. Or pull out some weeds in the back garden.

There was nothing urgent, nothing expensive, nothing beyond me. All I needed was time (a couple of hours per task)  and energy.

The illness, while certainly not debilitating, didn't help with motivation, and neither did my usual Christmas mood.

I should sit down and pencil these small tasks in for the New Year though.

Countdown...

At some point on New Year's Day, I'm going to be stepping on the scales to see what the size of my challenge will be in 2018. I know that I'm heavier than last year - the tightness of my suit at my Xmas dinner doesn't lie, but by how much?

Whatever it is, it'll be the heaviest I've ever been.

The exercise portion of what I need to do is pretty much taken care of - yoga and Bodyweight Freeletics. If I'm lucky, then some other stuff that FP mentioned as well. I have some weights at hand as well, but with DDP and Freeletics, I shouldn't need them.

I'm still not 100% convinced that my shoulder has healed, but I need to start somewhere.

The hard part is the dietary portion. I love food, me. I know that I should give up bread and crisps (crisps are easily my biggest vice), but that adjustment will be the more difficult aspect. Eat less, more frequently.

It's just a preparation and willpower thing.

And so it begins...

So, as I said to SG, once Christmas was over, then we'd get around to finalising our NYE plans. With that in mind, I threw it out there to the Whatsapp group.

• S is going to his friend's house.
• FC and Mrs FC are going home for the New Year.
• GM is working.
• SG hasn't said anything (yet?)

Looks like it could be a quiet night in on NYE for the first time in years. Not really the end/start to the year I was hoping for.

It'll be interesting if GM says anything - after all, he knows about my loneliness in general around this time of year. In past years, I've made no secret of the fact that I don't want to be on my own on NYE, hence doing all the arranging.

SG's quietness is very telling - she was the one pushing me to arrange NYE prior to Christmas. You would have thought, at the very least, that she'd have sent a message separately, but no.

Cheers.

It was late afternoon by the time I arrived at my sister's. The imminent cold is still imminent. The symptoms haven't gotten any better or worse, but are still hanging around being annoying.

I'm not going to say that I didn't have a good time, but I felt out of it somewhat - a combination of not feeling 100% and the conversation(s) passing me by.

Still, some good food, some good drink and back home without too much over-indulging and feeling the poorer for it today.

Pondering.

In order to fend off the nearly-cold that's been pestering me for a couple of days, I got pretty toasted at my sister's on Christmas Day. I say "fend off", but really what I mean was "get drunk so the symptoms don't bother me for a while".

Out of the blue, in the middle of the afternoon, Ideas Girl started messaging me. I thought it was weird. We're not close. Friendly, yes, but I can think of a fair few people who would cross my mind to get in contact with on Christmas Day. Maybe it goes back to the implied booty call from a month or so ago?

Given how I'm currently feeling, I internally questioned whether or not turning down her advances was a good thing. I was undecided.

Today is a different matter. It was still the right thing to do, I think.

Groo.

So, Christmas is over for another year. I still have to go to my sister's this afternoon, but the family's been ill over the past few days. There's a bug going through my sister's house which wiped out my niece and brother-in-law, I'm currently fighting off what could be the cold - I've had early symptoms for about three days, but it's not moving into the next phase and is just being annoying.

So, while Christmas Day wasn't as bad as I'd expected, it was very low key.

I don't know if I want to go to my sister's later. A lack of sleep plus this nearly-cold means that I feel rubbish today. Personally speaking, I think they should hold off on today's arrangements until everyone is feeling better, but I doubt they will.

A bath or shower later might help, but if I do go up, it'll be a late appearance and I'll be dosed with drugs and vitamins. If nothing else, I want to feel better to enjoy the rest of my holiday period.

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Sadly Santa never left Alison Brie or Jessica Alba in my stocking (or even anyone IRL), so here's a picture or two to compensate.

FFS!

I thought I had it all sorted this year. I had present ideas sorted weeks ago, apart from a couple where I got some ideas off my brother-in-law.

For my Dad, I was going to get him a subscription to a website for his hobby - he's massively into it and he'd put it to good use. It's expensive, but for him it would be value for money.

Except, I can't buy him a gift subscription in the UK.

I can buy him one through the US site, but it's 50% more expensive and could be useless.

This isn't called out anywhere on the UK site that I can find - I spent two hours yesterday and today trying to find these details to no avail but stumbled across the American site almost by accident earlier where they say the US site is the only place you can buy gift subscriptions.

Looks like he's going to have to get vouchers from somewhere now.

I fucking hate Christmas.

Season's something.

The trip to the cinema with GM never happened. Nor was there ever any contact after last week's text conversation. I've not really been able to shake the funk despite some social interaction this week, with FP and some work colleagues.

It's not simply romantic loneliness, though that is undoubtedly a fair portion of it.

There are very few people in this world who know me and that is mostly my fault for not opening up to people.

FP, USHW, KfW2 are all people who know me better than anyone else. My family have never been close. My sister has flashes of insight, but we don't really talk about personal things.

From my past, you could add  AM, FA2, QC1 and QC2 to that list, though they essentially disappeared from my life.

So, yes, I need to start being more open with people voluntarily. Note the "voluntarily" bit. I'll answer any question asked of me, pretty much, but I don't know how to talk to people about my personal life. Even admitting to KfW2 last week about my current funk was difficult and I know she's not judgemental or anything.

It's more than people knowing me - it's the emotional support from close friends, romantic partners etc. Coming home from work after dealing with my idiot boss, for example, would enable me to rant or share rather than sit on my own, often over-thinking things.

I know I'll feel better in a few days' time. Christmas isn't a good time for me generally - I simply don't like it - and once I get all the family commitments out of the way, the presents are exchanged etc. then I can suit myself and hopefully make some personal arrangements.

I already have a couple of fun things to look forward to, with another to be confirmed.

Pinting and planning

While FP and I were throwing pints down ourselves last night, the subject of chat turned to weight loss and exercise.

We're both heavier and unfitter than we should be - FP by some considerable margin. However, he's already started doing the 5:2 diet and lost around half a stone (7lbs). That's impressive. I looked into the 5:2 diet, but I don't know if I have the willpower for it.

I explained my Yoga and Freeletics plan and how I'd lost nearly a stone just doing the Yoga and quitting bread and crisps a few years ago.

So we agreed that we'd try other things. FP suggested hill walking as one thing. I don't know if I'm madly keen on the idea, but it would get me out of the house. The problem with planning things with FP is that he works shifts and it's difficult to organise in advance.

But I think having a regular partner might help. CC would have been good had she not insisted that I organise everything. I've complained before that CC is like having a girlfriend without any of the benefits. As it stands, when I refused, she made her own arrangements and it seems to be doing her some good.

January will be tough because of work things - performance reviews and stuff. Exercise is something to look forward to, something to plan and work towards.

Groo.

Off the back of this post, KfW2 had suggested I visit her today. That's been cancelled - she came down with illness on Tuesday and has been getting worse all week.

Initially, she was adamant that I'd still go, but I was having none of it. KfW2 is a trooper. Unlike me, she will just get on with it, so for her to actually be bed-ridden for three days is almost unheard of. At least, in the eight years or so that I've known her, I can't recall her being ill like this. I don't care what she says - she needs the rest to get better without having to worry about guests, getting the house tidy etc.

It's a blessing in disguise. I was in the pub for near 12 hours yesterday and while I wasn't horrendously drunk, it was more than tipsy and a quiet day at work and chilling this afternoon was definitely more beneficial than running around after three infants.

The added bonus is that I get to watch the footy tonight (my team is playing). Typical man, eh?

Maybe we'll get something sorted after Xmas and it might even be an adult day out - dinner and drinks or something. I'd definitely like that.

Centric.

When CH and I fell out (or rather CH stopped talking to me), it was because I had criticised her. The first shot fired was her reliability. I say "shot", but really I don't think I was *that* blunt. 90% of the time, she'd agree to do something social then cry off with a day or so to go, often with the flimsiest of excuses.

When we did have a chat about it, it was also suggested that everything revolved around her or was done the way she wanted. Numerous times, for example, I tried to get her for a coffee to chat about something personal only for CH to turn up with MFF or OK in tow. On the flip side, social engagements that CH had a say in were rarely cancelled.

This was why I'd been critical. Having to constantly work around someone, regardless of the chemistry or trust, is not a friendship.

So, it was interesting to see what was going to happen when CH sneaked in to our Xmas party. After all, this was something she counter-suggested when I suggested buying her a birthday drink a few months ago.

Well, let's put it this way... I didn't hear from her. Neither did KfW2. Neither did GB. Three people that she was close to at one time and was supposedly looking forward to meeting.

I'd left the party early due to a funk, so I've no idea if she made any effort to hunt me out. The lack of text message asking my whereabouts would suggest not, though. As would KfW2 and GB's lack of contact.

As usual, it was all about CH.

Self examination.

I've always wondered why I feel more lonely at this time of year than at any other. Christmas has never been an important time of the year for me, or my family really, until my sister had kids. The only time I've been in a proper relationship over Christmas was when I was with FA2. My brief dalliance with FBS started around this time of year, too, though that hardly counts. However, to be honest, the only Christmas FA2 and I were together, she wasn't around for it. I'm not complaining about her going to her parents or anything - it's not like we were living together where that might be a valid complaint. She actively left the country to spend time with her parents and extended family in the States.

Any time there was criticism from FA2 about my commitment to the relationship (this was pretty much the only time we ever argued), I only ever had two counter arguments:

1) Actions speak louder than words and if she had any doubts to my commitment or feelings for her, my actions should be perfectly clear even if I didn't express it verbally as much as I should
2) She was the one who took herself 3000 miles away at a time of the year where loved ones were supposed to be important.

We'd already spoken about it before and after she went. I'd said at the time that I was disappointed that she'd gone (though glad she was back for NYE). We'd been officially dating for 8 months at that stage and unofficially on and off for another three prior to that. She made it clear that her family would always take precedence.

"Even if it's just for a holiday?"

She had no answer, but in reality, I knew the decision wasn't even hers, even if she didn't realise it herself. Her mother called the shots and she had decided FA2 was going to America to see her family. I don't even think that her mother liked me that much. So, FA2 wasn't going to go against her mother.

I kinda got side-tracked there. As I said, Christmas has never been important, so I'm at a loss as to why I feel more lonely at this time of year than at any other.

Good for the soul.

I've admitted my current poor form to both GM and KfW2. GM last night, and KfW2 this morning. I also explained to KfW2 that it was an influential factor in my early departure from the Christmas party. GM gave a succinct "Sorry to hear that mate" while KfW2 provided a sympathetic squeeze on the shoulder.

Both suggested that I do something with them at some point this week - a trip to the cinema with GM and a visit to KfW2's this Friday. I've taken them both up on their offer.

While nothing else has been said regarding my admission beyond my actual confession and their subsequent acknowledgement, I feel much better for simply having shared that. I don't know if GM will follow up on the conversation, but KfW2 definitely will (or I will with her).

A side-effect of chatting to GM was, I believe, the reappearance on Whatsapp of SG after months of silence. She had some actual, proper updates on her life and a new hair colour - red - which is much better than the blonde she had been sporting over the summer.

And a side-effect of the conversation with KfW2 was her own admission that someone I presumed was a platonic friend was actually someone she had dated "for a few months". That's interesting on a few points.

Plans.

It looks like meeting S (and GM and SG) is off the cards tonight. S had originally said that he was going to head into town around 8 PM. Then later said that it had moved out to 8:30 PM. It's now 9:30 PM and there's still no contact from S to say that they're heading out.

Even if he does text right now, it's Saturday night a week before Xmas and it's after 9PM. I'm never getting a taxi inside an hour. I was prepared to head in early, have some drinks and leave a few hours later before the kicking out mayhem happened.

Time to settle in front of the TV, I think.

EDIT: S was never in touch. The group Whatsapp chat went quiet at 5 PM last night after S confirmed the first set of tentative replies and remains so.

Early Goals.

One thing I did learn from the Christmas party was that I have put on some weight over the past year. The suit, whilst still looking good on me (in my humble opinion), just about fit.

While my shoulder seems as if it's mostly healed, I still get fairly serious twinges in it that I'm unsure if it's the injury or because I've been consciously carrying myself not to cause the twinges.

Still, I think I need to get over the thought that I need to be 100% injury free before I can get back into the Yoga and Freeletics. I should at least try it out with some of the more gentle exercises.

But it's the holiday period. This is something for January.

Sigh (cont'd)

The melancholy has gone, but the loneliness has been a factor all day long, presumably the after effects of a load of alcohol last night. I've also been really tired as well.

A last-minute offer from FP for a few drinks tonight was turned down in favour of meeting tomorrow or Sunday. I'd also forgotten that I was meant to be meeting S tomorrow with GM, SG etc. though with the way I'm feeling now, I'll turn up for an hour or so then leave.

Sigh.

So the night didn't quite go as planned. I always look forward to our Christmas party. Part of that is that I don't mind getting dressed up these days. My most recent suit was bought with KfW2 in tow for a female perspective and I feel comfortable in it. It also helped that the first time I wore it, I got several compliments from the likes of CH to bolster my confidence. Another part of it is enjoying the women getting dressed up. Sue me, but I enjoy a bit of a perv. Quiet Girl scrubbed up well, as did a few of the other attractive girls I see around the office.

Anyway, we met for pre-drinks and had fun. A few of the people were ex-team members, so it was nice to catch up. We adjourned to the main venue to join everyone else. KfW2 eventually turned up with CC - they'd had their own party getting ready at CC's house. She'd forgotten her phone in her rush to get a taxi - left it in CC's house.

As mass produced dinners go, it wasn't bad. It was about this time that things changed. I'd already, at this stage, babysat KfW2's dinner while she went off to chat with her friend. I'd also let her borrow my phone to call her husband to check in. I had assumed that once dinner was over we'd grab a drink and chat. A few co-workers had left for the last bus or train, Stalky Guy went to the bar and KfW2 disappeared into the crowd. All of a sudden, I seemed to be on my own.

I sat there with a sense of something... a mood that I'd not been in for years. A sense of melancholy combined with loneliness. It's always brought on by alcohol but there's always an underlying mood for it to build on. I think KfW2 disappearing fed into it and my own current relationship issue was the foundation. I had hoped that, in the absence of having our own night out, we could make some time and chat.

I've been able to shake it before by talking to someone. In the past it would have been AM or QC2. These days it would be KfW2, but she was nowhere to be found. So, in the absence of forcing myself out of the mood, I went home. As I left, I did a double-take. Was that CH? It was.

I woke this morning to a text message from KfW2, sent at around 4 AM.

"Where did you go?" was all it said.

I have to say that I was disappointed that it took her so long to text, especially when she was reunited with her phone at 1 AM.

The mood from last night has gone. I knew it would - once the alcohol goes, the melancholy goes, or has done in the past. But I think I'm still disappointed in not getting more time with KfW2 last night, and maybe a little jealous that CC managed to get KfW2 alone until 4 AM last night.

That thing you do.

Another night and another dream about someone I know.

This time, it was QC2. The details are hazy, but it seemed that we were spending an awful lot of time together, much like KfW2 and I do right now. I mean, QC2 and I kinda did back in the day anyway, but not nearly as often or as closely as KfW2 and I.

Except, there was something between us. A spark. You know that thing were you're interested in someone, see them regularly and are trying to figure out if the feeling is reciprocal? That. And that was the crux of the dream - we spent all of our time prodding at each other (not physically), trying to figure out if the other person was interested, romantically.

I was attracted to QC2 back in the day, but never tried anything partly due to being socially inept and party because we were friends and didn't want to ruin anything.

There wasn't a resolution - the last thing I remember was QC2 trying to be more direct. Then I woke up.

Happy anniversary.

According to KfW2's Facebook posts today, it's 6 years since we had our inaugural Big Xmas Day Out. There were only four of us to begin with, that year, including KfW2 and CC.

By the end of the night, KfW2 was getting me horrendously drunk on Jaegerbombs and left me a brilliant drunken rambly voicemail that I had for ages (cos it was kinda sweet as well as embarrassing).

This is the first year since then that we've not done something for the holiday period.

This time of year.

Browsing Facebook earlier and I came across something that KfW2 had shared with her hubby. It's one of those ubiquitous motivational type messages, though this one is about relationships.

It was celebrating a lengthy relationship. I can't remember the exact phrasing of it and I've just tried finding it again with no success, but it reminded me about how lonely I can get at this time of year.

Socially, it's going to be quiet, only a work event and a night out with S planned before Xmas and I've been something of a hermit recently. I think I need it.

I need more than socialising, to be honest.

Another blast from the past.

Years ago, FP and myself decided to go on holiday. It was a last-minute decision, after having a few drinks. So, the next day, having consulted G and BW, we found ourselves in a travel agents, getting one of FP's squeezes to arrange a fortnight in the sun for us.

Now, boys' holidays in the sun, Club 18-30 etc. weren't really my scene but we agreed that that wasn't really what we were going for.

And off we went, early one May, around twenty years ago.

Typically, we had a blast, met loads of people and generally had a good time. When it came to women, none of us got any action however, we all were attracted to this girl who was working in the resort over the summer.

My memory of her face is vague, though I remember being pretty, but otherwise CH comes to mind - average height, average build, short dark hair, great figure.

She was working a food stand near our apartment and I came busting in the second night after being designated "food" person that day. I'd managed to strike up a conversation with her while waiting for my order and learned that she was a few years younger than me, Belgian and already looking forward to going home.

"Lads, lads! You should see the girl at the food stand!"

I was quite excited.

We ate our food, had a few drinks and got ready for going out (changed into jeans and t-shirt). As we walked past the food stand she called and waved. FP and BW were immediately impressed. Over the next few days, we had more conversations with Belgian Girl (I actually learned her name, but it's been lost in the mists of time) individually or separately. I tried desperately to get her to come out partying with us, but she was always due to work the evenings.

One afternoon, FP and BW took themselves off for a walk. I was tired and in need of some chilling, so I made my way back to the apartment. I grabbed a cold drink and sat in front of the apartment, people watching.

"Where are the other guys?" It was BG. She was wearing a slim fit t-shirt and black leggings.

I explained.

I offered BG a drink and she accepted. We sat on the wall, sipping our drinks, making conversation and just chilling.

BG started to tell me that she was considering just quitting and going home, mainly because it felt superficial.

"If people were like you, FP and BW, than it would be great, but it's not. People here are so shallow."

Part of the problem, she went on to explain, was being incessantly hit on by blokes... especially drunk British blokes. Obviously, I didn't tell her that I had been putting in some ground work of my own, just not as obviously as the (drunk) guys she was complaining about. Shortly after, she got up as she had to go prepare for her shift.

"Ow, I'm all dusty!"

It was true - the wall had left a white line on her ass. She started patting herself down. I was distracted. She had a nice ass. she was patting her ass literally two feet in front of me.

"It's not moving! I'll have to change."

I suggested she perhaps use a damp cloth in my apartment. She did and it worked... mostly. As she left, I got a hug.

Literally a minute or so later, FP and BW arrived back.

"Was that BG?" asked BW.

I filled them in on the generalities of our interaction, but included the ass patting. I think they were not exactly convinced I was telling the truth.

A few days later, and somewhat out of character for us, we found ourselves in a nightclub - pubs were usually our scene.

BW went for a wander while FP and I propped up the bar. The music was appalling.

"Isn't that BG?" asked FP.

I looked. It was. She was talking to BW on the opposite side of the dancefloor. It was a brief conversation. She hugged him and gave him a peck on the cheek before making her way over to us. She wasn't sober.

"I've quit!" she announced. "Tomorrow's my last day and I'm going back home at the weekend."

Apparently her boss had started making moves on her which was the last straw.

We bought her a drink and chatted for a few more minutes, then she had to leave. FP got the same treatment as BW. For me, it was different. The hug was tighter, just a little longer and the kiss I received was on the lips. Like CH's kisses, not a full on kiss, just a peck that lasted a little longer than you would have expected. And then she was gone, despite FP and myself trying to get her to stay out. FP raised an eyebrow.

FP and I left the club for somewhere that played better music, leaving BW to do laps of the club trying to pick up drunk holidaymakers.

The next morning, BW was walking round the apartment like a lottery winner.

"Get some last night then?" asked FP.

"Snogged BG, didn't I?" said BW.

"In the club?"

"Yeah, early on, just after we arrived, then she disappeared"

FP and I looked at each other, barely able to keep the laughter in. BW was always a bullshitter. He obviously didn't know that we'd witnessed the entire thing.

We looked for BG over the next few days, but she was gone. I don't even think that she did her last few shifts at the food stall.

Sigh.

Working with KfW2 can be a PITA at times. Mostly, it's fine, but occasionally, it's frustrating. At times, this manifests itself as her losing track of time because she's engrossed in something. Ultimately, that's harmless. However, when you're actually working with her... well, that's different. There's no doubting that she's intelligent and knows her job, but her professional communication is, IMO, poor.

As one of the most experienced people in the team, she's often given research to do, or brand new things to create. She's great at picking things up quickly, but her weakness is being able to share these things, writing documentation or training around the stuff she's learned.

I was tasked with helping her a few weeks ago. I jumped at the chance because it's a project with a lot of visibility and, of course, I get to work with one of my closest friends. The downside is that she gives vague notions of what to do.

"Go off and do this technical task!"

"You're gonna need to give me more than that"

"I spent weeks researching that, it's not going to be easy to sit down and explain it all to you"

"Just send me the links and your notes on how we implement it"

*sends links*

"Where are your notes?"

"Oh, they're all up here" *taps head*

Sigh.

Or...

*email arrives to team*

"Can someone look at this issue please? Boss"

*another email arrives to team*

"Yes boss, I will have the time to look at this problem for you. KfW2"

Later...

"Have you done that yet?"

"Just started, I was side-tracked looking at this problem for another team"

"You can't do that, I need you on this 100%"

Sigh.

My initial instinct was correct - you cannot and should not work closely with your significant other. That should maybe extend to really close friends as well.

Big brother is watching you.

I've mentioned in the past that I often have quite unlikely coincidences, even simple things like having mutual friends with CB, for example.

Well, today saw my online dating experience made more interesting by being presented, on Bumble, with (ex) model/Reality TV personality Orlaith McAllister. She's not my type from a personality perspective (though she is gorgeous which I've stated before), but I swiped right anyway. You kinda have to under these circumstances, don't you?

For those who are unaware, here's a pic or two:

And this one's purely for me. The abs. Oh, the abs:

Humbug? Bah!

Most of my Christmas shopping is done, just two more to buy. But there's two weeks left 'til Christmas and I have no idea what to buy the two left (my sis and Dad).

This is part of what stresses me, and partly why I simply don't like this time of year.

Within the past two days both KfW2 and FP's wife have both called me "Scrooge" or comparable terms for not having any Christmas decorations in the house.

Part of it is laziness on my behalf - having to put up, then take down the decorations. But I live on my own, so I don't need to worry about decorations. Apart from KfW2, I rarely get visitors, so I don't need to worry about those. And worrying about decorations, at a time of the year that I don't enjoy, is something I can avoid.

I'll try and get the last few presents sorted ASAP this week, which should mean I can relax going into the week before Christmas.

Let it snow.

We've had a snowfall. It's not a huge one, but I think it's enough for KfW2 to be getting her kids to make snow angels this afternoon.

The fact that there's enough snow to make snow angels means that KfW2 owes FP, five pounds. So this morning has seen some three way banter about KfW2 having to pay up (and my teasing her for making the 'bet' in the first place).

Ch-Ching!

EuroMillions is £94 million this Friday.

Think I'll buy a ticket. Yes, the odds are vastly against me - 75 million to 1 or something? But I'll easily get the £2.50's worth by dreaming about what I'd do with a win... starting with telling my boss where to go, the useless knob.

Avoidance.

Back in the day, I used to speak to an awful lot of people using MSN messenger. Most of these people were from my online hobby. Some of the people who participated in the online hobby were, and I am being polite here, mentally ill. These people weren't even friends and as such, I had logging turned on almost permanently, just in case they started a conversation. A few months ago, I found an old archive that had almost three years of recorded conversations. Every now and again, I dip into them to see if there's anything entertaining. Most of it is out-of-date nonsense around the online hobby, but every now and again something tickles me, like this exchange with K.

I've mentioned K before. We've had sex. She jumped me, then proceeded to use that as a basis for trying to start a relationship. I wasn't looking for a relationship with K for any number of reasons, but the two worth mentioning are that I didn't think we were suitable for each other and distance. You'd think that was enough, right?

She barely took 'no' for an answer, made it clear that she wasn't a "sleeping around" kinda girl (didn't really admit this prior to jumping me, though) and subsequently became friends with F, purely because she knew that F and I were friendly. Six months later, at a social gathering, I told her to her face that I wasn't interested in a relationship at her insistence. When I left the room, she confided to F that she didn't believe me. F told her that she should give up or, at best, use me as a fuck buddy. We were still chatting on MSN semi-regularly, though it was mostly about the hobby rather than anything personal.

So, bear in mind that this snippet was the end of  a conversation that had lasted a few hours. Barring one conversation about three weeks earlier, we'd not spoken at any length for nearly eight weeks and that the timing of the conversation was pretty much a year to the day that she's jumped me and we screwed. All typos/misspellings are directly from the chat log.

Oh, and for the record, while I don't remember there being an issue exactly, F had been feeding me information (such as what happened at the social gathering when I left the room) regarding what K had been saying about me. If anything, I was trying to keep my distance, to give K space. She needed it as everything I was saying and doing was being analysed to the nth degree.

K: ...Have you sorted out what you're problem is with me yet?
Ruuude: Eh?
K: For a few weeks you seem to have had a problem relating to me
Ruuude: Ummm... we haven't spoken in aaaages
K: Yes.  But part of it is because I have felt you can't cope with me
Ruuude: I honestly can't see where you would have gotten that idea from
K: Ruuude, for a while you seem to have had a problem with having a decent conversation with me.  It has kind of hurt me that after everything that you haven't been able to cope with speaking to me... but I guess that's how things go.
K: I miss you as a friend.
K: Probably now isn't the best time, but maybe it is.  I'd like that we could get to friendship again, but I think its going to take work - can you cope with that?
Ruuude: yes, but I think you seem to have made an awful lot of assumptions about things
Ruuude: and I don't think that right now is the best time to talk about it
K: I seem to remember that you thought someone else had made a large number of assumptions about you.  Maybe I have, but maybe you need to be clearer
Ruuude: We'll talk about this at some other time
K: Maybe.  But don't make this yet another avoidance strategy.  As far as I'm concerned you do too many of those.

And we never talked about it again, because K never talked about it again.

Bah and Humbug.

Years ago, KfW2 and I started a tradition where we'd meet for drinks in our local Christmas Market. From then, it grew until it was a fairly big affair - S, GM, FC, CC etc. would all be invited out, and most would attend too. But it was still, at its heart, just a reason for me and KfW2 to go out. It wasn't a secret either - I'd said as much to KfW2 enough times over the past few years. Everyone else's attendance was nice, but not necessary.

This year, I didn't bother. I knew KfW2 wouldn't be able to make it regardless of the actual date, and to be honest, the attraction of the Christmas Market grows less with each passing year. We talked about it last weekend and I did admit to KfW2 that if I'd arranged anything this year, the Christmas Market would have been used as a meeting place, then we'd go somewhere nicer/more comfy.

Funnily enough, only hours after KfW2 and I had chatted, both SG and FP messaged to ask if there were any plans in place. Obviously, I declined, and thought that would be that - no-one else would step up and do the needful. But no, SG has decided that we should head out. Typically SG though, it's taken a week to send two messages.

"Are we going to the Christmas Market this year?"
"How's the 7th for everyone?"

But I'm really not feeling it this year.

Plans.

"I'll make dinner, we can put the kids to bed and have a couple of beers."

No prizes for guessing who. It seems that it's her time to shine. Yes, it's KfW2 in case you hadn't guessed.

We'd arranged to spend Friday afternoon together. As usually happens if I visit, I hang around, she cooks while I "entertain" the kids, then we get some alone time before Mr KfW2 shows his face after work (which is some time after 10 PM).

"I can't this time. My sister has asked me to babysit. She's literally just off the phone."

It wasn't a lie. She did phone at 9 PM on a Thursday night asking me to look after her kids the next night. KfW2 started texting minutes after I'd hung up.

"Oh. OK"

I could tell she was disappointed. It was only a few days ago that we bemoaned the fact that we hadn't had a night or afternoon out since the start of the year. Having a beer and an hour in between putting the kids to bed and her hubby coming home aren't the same thing, but would have been an interim measure. A welcome one, as far as I was concerned.

I apologised on Friday. I didn't have to - I'd done nothing wrong per se, but I knew that KfW2 had been looking forward to the hour of beers and company as much as she had been of running around after her kids.

She tried to put a brave face on it.

"It's not like you won't be down visiting again," she said.

But I could detect something in her tone.

"I know," I said, "But I was looking forward to it as well. This feels like I'm rushing off."

We left it at that.

When I arrived at my sister's, my brother-in-law asked if I'd had anything planned.

"Just hanging around KfW2's for a few more hours for a beer and dinner."

Today, I'm knackered. Looking after kids for nearly 12 hours will do that to you if you're not used to it.

Further dreams.

Two nights in a row I remember a dream? Weird. This time, it's a warm summer's day. My home town is really busy. There must be something on that's caused all these people to be about. One of my work colleagues asks me to fill in at a football match.

So off I trot to the local sports store to pick up a few things I need, when who do I bump into? CAB. She's delighted to see me. We chat for a bit before  CAB says she needs to catch her bus. At the bus stop, CAB suggests we head to a bar and she'll catch the next bus in a few hours. My plans to help out my friend are ditched and we head to the nearest bar.

We settle into a corner and order drinks. Conversation flows easily. CAB misses her next bus. The conversation flows.

CAB gets a look in her eye. She becomes more tactile and things look as if they might get a bit interesting.

Then I wake up. Thankfully less confused and less tired than I was yesterday.