Sigh (Part 2).

I'm angry just thinking about it, but off the back of this post, I now have all the answers I was seeking.

And just like the close-but-no-cigar result of getting the half grade increase, I'm getting half the amount as a resultant pay rise that I was aiming for.

So, in total, that means that I'm getting a quarter of what I was hoping for at the start of all this. Just like before, it feels like a backhanded compliment.

I've taken on more responsibility than any one else in the team, at a much lower grade, yet my performance scores still can't match those of my peers for no logical reason.

I love what I do and I really like the people I do it with, The stumbling block here is the management and their recognition of our individual contribution.

I need to seriously consider moving on, be that an internal move or to a completely new company.

Unexpected.

The weather was nice and with the clocks going forward, there was extra daylight to take into consideration. I sent a somewhat speculative message to GM asking if he fancied a drink. To my surprise, he did. We made arrangements and that was that. I'd missed a night out with GM, FC and S on Friday as well, so I wanted to catch up.

A few hours later, we were in the pub, having one of our chats. We don't have them often enough these days and they were few and far between even before Sports Girl was on the scene.

But we talked about it. GM implied that he broke it off with SG, because SG had issues with his past. I think there are probably other things going on as well, but we weren't able to cover them because... SG turned up.

To be fair, she was invited by GM because she'd had some bad news and needed some company. I was a little disappointed. GM seemed to enjoy being able to talk about the split without judgement.

While it was a low-key night out (it was a Sunday after all), it was still very enjoyable. I do like GM's company, a lot. We have extremely similar tastes and outlooks, and being able to simply sit and talk without having to worry about another half a dozen people is a real pleasure. I hope it's something we can do more of, coming into the summer.

Hello!

On a sneaky day off, watching crap on TV. An episode of "How I Met Your Mother" reminded me of Lyndsy Fonseca. 

Pondering.

My family have never really been close. I don't recall my parents ever spending a lot of time with me or my sister as kids. Things like football and the usual childhood pastimes went by with little involvement from my parents. There was no real involvement. My dad rarely turned up to watch me play football for any team I represented. In fact, my participation in things like that was pretty much always as a result of encouragement from my friends, who gave me the belief that I was good enough to put myself forward for things like that.

So, things like Mother's or Father's Day pass me by. It's not that I'm not grateful to my parents or that I don't love them, but it's not high up in my priorities as something I feel the need to celebrate.

And Facebook is a shocking "competition" today to see who can post the most cloying Mother's Day message. It's now expanding to include sisters, aunts etc.

Maybe it's just me. Some things are meant to be personal. If you have to celebrate, celebrate YOUR mother. The same things apply to anniversaries. They're YOUR anniversaries. Why celebrate other people's? Or expect other people to celebrate yours?

That sounds like I'm annoyed. I'm not. I just don't understand making a fuss outside of your family for things that I believe are personal.

Ready to go.

A conversation with FP a few days ago could help me with some motivation and goals over the next few months. There was a chat about travel around July or August time. If that went ahead (and I'm hoping to come to some sort of solid agreement within a week or so), then that gives me motivation and a timeline to get back into fitness and weight loss.

I've no idea of the actual size of the problem - I've not stepped on any scales in over a year - but I know that it'll be at least as tough as when I did this a few years ago. I'm still not convinced about my shoulder - there's still, some pain in it when I move in a particular way, but I'm guessing that's a healing issue rather than the original issue still occurring and may involve physiotherapy.

As usual, the rough plan is to increase my activity levels, better portion management, drink more water and make tweaks to my diet to be more healthy are what I need to do.

Yoga, some weights, maybe a Couch to 5K program as well.

This is me.

I'm not a big fan of those click bait type posts you sometimes see on Facebook, but this one caught my eye recently. I don't know how accurate the website is in general, but for the sake of fairness, I got the story from http://www.curejoy.com/. Regardless of its scientific merit, I reckon it does a good job of describing the hidden me... the one no-one really knows about. Is it depression as the story claims? I don't know, I don't think  I would describe myself as depressed, just unhappy and lonely. I think the headlines are bit dramatic as well, but the descriptive paragraphs do a better job, though at a high level. I certainly don't, for example, loathe myself.

Anyway, here it is:

Depression is more than just being sad and gloomy. It’s a chronic overwhelming feeling, self-loathing, and a feeling of helplessness. Almost everyone feels depressed at some point of their life, but not everyone talks about it or seeks treatment. The fear of judgement and criticism force them to bury their true feelings deep down, pretending to be someone totally different on the outside. You may have a dear one who is doing just the same at the moment, and you have no idea about it. But how does one identify or read the signs? Here are some characteristics of people who are silently suffering from depression. Keep your eyes open for these.

1. Personalities That Seem Happy

A major sign of people who are depressed secretly is that they don’t reflect any signs of it. They appear to be extremely happy and content with their lives. They smile a lot, and laugh a lot. Looking at them, you you would never guess that deep down they hate themselves and are silently suffocating in self-loathing. You have to closely examine their defences and desires to see what they fear. Check for quirks, or small triggers that causes them to reveal their true selves - it may be hard to do so, but not impossible.

2. Their Brains Are Tired From Overthinking

People who suffer silently from depression or anxiety cannot shut their brains down. They are constantly talking to themselves in their heads, unable to shush their minds. They might not remember the last time their mind was at peace. It is always one pointless debate after another. One endless argument after another. One fine day the brain will snap, tired of working continuously.

3. Their Greatest Fear Is Judgement

A major reason most depressed people don’t talk about what’s going on in their heads is because they hate being judged. Our society is to be blamed to a great extent for this fear as mental illness is still considered to be a taboo by majority of the people even today. They are scared of being linked to the prejudices and stigma linked to depression and other mental disorders. What they do not realise is that depression is an illness similar to any other illness in the world- there is nothing to be ashamed of.

4. They Want To Refrain From Hurting Others

It is natural for depressed people to snap at trivial things. When this happens, their empathy kicks in hard and they start seeing themselves as monsters who are capable of hurting everyone they love. So they try to hide it from their loved ones, without even realising that doing so would cause everyone more pain and suffering.

5. They Hardly Trust Anyone

A common sign of depressed people is that though they will have tons of friends, they will trust only a handful. They might act like social butterflies, but deep inside, they feel lonely. Only few hold their confidence. In worst cases scenarios, not a single soul would hold their confidence, causing them to feel more and more lonely and sad.

6. They Are Hard To Read And Impossible To Get Close To

Another difficult trait seen in people suffering from depression is that they are awfully closed up. You may talk to them everyday, but you will hardly know anything about what is actually going on in their lives. They hardly reveal their innermost thoughts, and always stick to general topics when you talk to them. They always have a mask on, and you keep getting the feeling that there is so much more going on underneath all the layers they choose to hide behind.

7. They Are A Smart Lot

Being depressed and being silent about it makes them smart and strong. To endure pain in silence is not a simple thing. It makes a person mentally and emotionally strong and transforms them into something else. It takes a lot of mettle to suffer silently and act cheerful on the outside- not everyone can do it.

8. They Mess Up Things For Themselves

They struggle to be normal, but they can’t. They are genuine, they carry other’s woes, and they don’t seek attention. This makes their life a difficult one to live. This is how most depressed people behave. The last thing they want to do is trouble others, so they try to deal with things on their own, only to make matters worse. If only they knew it is completely okay to reach out for help!

Sigh.

It seems as if one of the work things has been resolved in my favour. Kind of.

The promotion I went for has been granted, but not the full grade increase I was expecting. Rather it's a half-grade increase. There should still be a pay rise out of it, but not the significant pay rise that I was aiming for. It'll be another few weeks before the actual figures are released.

But I kinda feel hard done by, even though I know that getting a promotion at all is a good thing. In a nutshell, it's all about the company saying one thing and doing another.

"What you do is important - go the extra mile!"

I've proven that I go the extra mile but my remote boss hasn't recognised anything I've presented, so I don't get the kudos for doing so. Which then makes promotions more difficult... almost impossible.

So, I'm getting a partial promotion DESPITE my boss, but I'm not getting a full promotion because of my boss.

It kinda feels like a backhanded compliment in a way and I'm still not where I wanted to be at this time.

I need to consider what I do next.

Oh!

A few days ago, prior to our night out, KfW2 suggested that she might make it out to our next Big Day Out that's at the end of the week. There was also an implication that she's owed a few nights out due to her husband already clocking up a fair few of his own.

This would be brilliant. I love KfW2's company for starters, plus she gets along well with the crowd of people who get invited to these things.

Sadly though, she's now arranged a family thing that will probably mean she can't make it.

Still, a big day out approaches. It'll be fun.

The morning after...

KfW2 sent a text at around half past seven. She was running late, could we leave it for fifteen minutes? Not a problem. Fifteen minutes isn't that much anyway and if KfW2 was only fifteen minutes late, then that was a result as far as I was concerned.

It wasn't fifteen minutes though. It was nearly forty-five by the time she turned up at the restaurant. I wasn't angry, but I was hugely disappointed. This was her night, after all, and I had spent a lot of time researching where to go. Of course, there was also the fact that 45 minutes late meant 45 fewer minutes of her company.

However, I was nursing a beer and trying to sneak glances at a cute blonde girl who appeared to be dining with her parents in between messaging KfW2.

When the blonde girl first arrived, I was looking at my phone, so she was already being led to her table when I looked up and saw something akin to this Minka Kelly picture:

Well, it wasn't a dress, more a pair of trousers, but the ass was as well defined and the trousers were just the right amount of clingy. I'm not an ass man specifically. I'm not anything specifically, but this sight piqued my attention.

Then, as luck would have it, she was sat facing me. And she was very pretty. And reminded me of someone. I went back to my phone, trying not to stare. KfW2 arrived soon after and we chatted. I couldn't shake the feeling that the cute blonde girl (who sounded American or Canadian) reminded me of someone.

Just after KfW2 ordered some wine, I had it. Rosamund Pike.

And not in a vague Alison Brie/CH kinda-sorta way with the odd facial expression or mannerism. She looked very much like her. However, KfW2 had arrived, so it was time to get into the night properly. With it being a special occasion, I very much wanted KfW2 to have a really good time.

We finished dinner - the restaurant lived up to its reputation and the food was delicious. I had advised KfW2 that anything we did after the restaurant was her choice, but as usual, she was reluctant to make a decision. I managed to steer her around to making a decision - visiting a new-ish bar and going to see a local band that she likes.

And there were drinks. Lots of drinks. And chat. Lots of chat. At times the chat got quite serious - KfW2 gave some advice, and I told her how much her friendship meant to me. And there were more drinks. And she told me how much I meant to her and how she was worried that when I met someone, our friendship would change/fade. We both, I think, had a good time. I know I did, but I always enjoy KfW2's company.

We parted ways at the end of the night. I had hoped she'd want the night to continue and perhaps come back to mine for after-hours drinks, but she'd contacted her husband for a lift home.

I awoke this morning feeling a little melancholy. There were a couple of things that KfW2 said last night that, while not bad per se, left me feeling a little down.

At last.

Despite never seeing things that are right in front of me, when it's to do with other people, little passes me by. I've been utterly convinced since the start of February, for example, that the GM and SG romance was over.

It had hit a rocky patch over Xmas, and as far as I was concerned, it was on its last legs after that.

But it was SG's behaviour on Facebook that alerted me to the breakup. It just changed.

A night out with GM and SG a few weeks later confirmed it when SG was more tactile and affectionate with me than she was with her "boyfriend".

They've now effectively admitted it, so it's out in the open. Now we have to manage the fallout of two friends breaking up with each other.

Oh!

I've been a fan of Brie Larson since I first saw her guest-starring in Community, but seeing her tonight on The One Show, my jaw dropped.

Stunning. And boobs too!

And here she is back when she was super cute, in Community: