A-ha!

I found myself going through an old MSN conversation with A earlier this afternoon. I remembered us being quite open with each other, but the conversation was quite explicit. A was fresh off her "secret" relationship with the guy who was fucking K on the side. She was on match.com, trying out online dating, before online dating was actually a thing. Plus it was the early stages of her relationship with the guy who would become her husband, and who she couldn't get a read on at all.

It was notable for being around the time of a few interesting social nights that I might have blogged about before - a night out with G where we met some cute women and a night out with my sister and brother-in-law (and Friction Guy) where I met and had really intense chemistry with another cute woman. I'm almost sure I've blogged about the former, maybe not the latter though.

Anyway, A was being very explicit about a lot of things - her failed attempts to fuck the now-husband, her chesty Match.com photos, the now-husband's oral skills, her general horniness levels (the good weather gets her frisky), how great her tits were, and her concern that her holidays, the now-husband's holidays and her imminent period would take sex off the table for at least a month.

I'd completely forgotten that she was that forthright about stuff. But that kind of stuff never fazes me and unlike UHSW who was testing boundaries when we first started talking, I think A just liked that she could talk about whatever she wanted without pushing me away simply because she was talking about, for example, her period.

Let's not go :(

D's just messaged to say that he can't make it for Saturday night's planned event. He has a family thing out of town which means he won't be in town for the thing he was originally planning on attending which then means he won't be out for drinks afterwards.

I'm pretty sure that also means that Friction Guy won't be out.

The plus side is that if Friday night gets messy (work thing with Quiet Girl and others) then I have all day to recover without worrying about meeting D in the pub at 5 PM.

Working the core.

D prompted FBS for some dates where we could go out, but it transpires that she's not available until the start of July, with travel plans and family commitments.

I messaged D separately and suggested if he wanted to meet for drinks, seeing as he's in town, I'd be more than happy to meet up. He said that Friction Guy was going to the same day time thing that D was, so there's a real possibility that he could also tag along.

Out of all of us who worked in the same place all those years ago: me, D, FBS, Friction Guy, QC2 and Opinionated Guy, I'd say that me, D and Friction Guy would be the core group (from my perspective). It'd be nice to head out, just the three of us. It must be 20 years since that happened.

Let's go!

D's just sent a message. Do we want to meet for drinks at the end of next month? I've checked my diary and I've got nothing on, so I've replied that I'd be interested.

Cheers!

Friction Guy replied, so it looks like we've got a core group and a rough time for meeting and a place to meet.

I'm not interested in the drinking. I hate being drunk and my ability to drink alcohol is now non-existent probably due to the fact that I've lost a fair bit of weight this year and I've done little to no socialising, so I am out of practice.

And the nights out with D, FBS etc. always seem to involved a lot of alcohol. We tend to meet around 6 PM these days and call it a night around midnight. That's six hours of drinking. The night out a few weeks ago with The Crowd was just over three hours and I was extremely tipsy.

Let's see how this turns out. 

Let's go.

I hadn't heard from D, FBs etc. about this coming weekend so I sent a WhatsApp message to make sure we were all still coming out. FBS and D were quick to reply, in the positive. I've heard nothing from Friction Guy or Opinionated Guy as yet, but they're secondary. If it just turns out to be me, FBS and D, that'll still be a good night.

As if by magic...

Out of the blue, a WhatsApp message from FBS giving a list of dates she's free in November. A quick reply from D, a suggestion by me and I think we could have nailed down a date, unless Friction Guy throws a spanner in the works!

So, with The Crowd and now this lot arranged, I should definitely work on KfW2. 

Raincheck?

D sent a message into our WhatsApp group yesterday (Me, D, FBS and Friction Guy) saying that he's free for the next three weekends. Apart from this coming Friday (work event with Quiet Girl et al.) I'm also free.

FBS was vague in her response.

"Yes" but also "Husband's away for three weeks this month".

I don't know if that means she's free or not. She hasn't suggested a date, so maybe not? It could be November before we meet up, despite conversations starting in August.

What's in a name?

Years ago, when I worked alongside Friction Guy, FBS, D etc. I mentored a guy who was about six years younger than I was. It became a running joke that he was Ruuude Jnr or Ruuude 2. They claimed that we were effectively lookalikes, but I thought they were taking the piss. Their opinion was based mainly due to the fact we had similar hairstyles more than anything else. Our build and height was completely different, for starters.

However, years after I left, I was due to meet someone in a bar. As an aside, it was the pub that I first met R2. Regardless, I stood at the bar and ordered a pint. A group of people walked in and stood beside me at the bar. I recognised some of them as being ex-colleagues,but having no interest in talking to them, I ignored them.

Literally seconds later though, they kept saying a name over and over again. It took me a while to realise that they were trying to get my attention, but they weren't using my name. They were using Ruuude Jnr's name. I continued to ignore them.

It was around that time that my companion (probably G or M) turned up and we moved on. 

Let's go again.

Amazingly, KfW2 was on-time. Part of the reason I don't like booking things is that she can be late. Her friends have regaled me of tales of her tardiness and she once shared a story where she was hours late to a date, and he was still there when she arrived. I have to say that she's never been really late for anything we've arranged (except one time where she was 45 minutes late, but that was a dinner reservation and I've posted about it before).

We hit the ground running, conversationally. I was worried it might be a bit stilted seeing as we've not spoken in person for so long, but no. We ate, we drank and left the restaurant to go to the pub where QC2, Friction Guy and I would frequent back in the day. It's changed a little since then, but still has the same vibe. We drank more, watched football and played pool. And we talked.

I didn't bring up my recent frustrations because KfW2 talked first about how we've not seen a lot of each other over the past few years and that was something she wanted to fix. She talked about seeing each other more regularly, perhaps even monthly. While we didn't come up with any concrete plans, just the way she talked about it, I didn't think that bringing up the frustrations made any sense. It can be revisited if these plans don't come to fruition.

It ended sooner than I would have liked, though we were four hours in by this stage. I think we were starting to find our conversation/banter groove again just as KfW2's husband came to pick her up which was a little frustrating. But I am hopeful that KfW2's chat about seeing each other more frequently actually means something.

The only slightly negative thing to talk about was when I was talking about being lonely and effectively not seeing anyone since Christmas, she told me to pick up the phone and go see her, and she was quite adamant about that.

However that reminds me of my sister's solution, which involves me making the effort and that's part of what makes me lonely. It's not the lack of company that is the issue (not completely anyway), but sometimes it's other people's lack of effort. Me getting out of the house to visit my sister or KfW2 (or anyone) when they don't visit me is not going to solve the problem when I'm the one who makes the effort most of the time anyway.

But I'm really pleased with how things went yesterday and gives me (us?) something to work towards.

Oh dear.

So the Friday evening thing is postponed. I hadn't even had a chance to share that I wouldn't make it, but Friction Guy posted a message explaining that he's dealing with some family stuff at the moment, so he wouldn't make it. We'll reschedule, but my gut feeling reckon it'll be the end of March. 

D says he'll send out a list of dates at the weekend, so we'll go from there.

Let's not go.

Well, that lasted long. FBS reached out to Opinionated Guy who can't make the proposed dates, so we're back to square one. I suggested to the group that they arrange a night without me and we can do another one after Christmas.

I'm kinda dialling back stuff between now and December. I'm trying to put something in place, that I don't want to talk about right this minute, but if it comes off, then my availability is going to be limited, socially.

Saying that, there's still a work thing at the end of the month, and G has already hinted at a visit in the middle of November. It's pointless mentioning KfW2 at this stage. As I've repeatedly said, it's been nothing but trouble... Maybe trouble is the wrong word, but it feels like a pointless exercise. I ask her to name a date, she goes quiet, rinse and repeat.

Let's go

FBS was in touch to see if anyone was interested in meeting for drinks. Both D and I have already agreed and the tentative date is just over two weeks away. That's impressive for us... usually we need a month or so to get everyone's free time to line up. Friction Guy hasn't yet replied, so we'll need to see how this turns out. Otherwise, I don't think I'm free until mid-December at the earliest.

Those were the days.

Yesterday afternoon, from a work perspective, was a washout. Back-to-back pointless meetings for the entire afternoon, so I disengaged and went down a rabbit hole of old blog posts and emails with USHW. A few got me in particular, about QC2.

I had a fairly big crush on her, back in the day. While I never made any moves and I was generally pretty good at not showing it, I'm pretty sure she knew.

But that didn't stop us from being friends and I'm still kinda sad that we simply stopped seeing each other a few times a year for a few drinks.

But the memories, in particular, were of me, QC2 and Friction Guy at our favourite bar. For all her perceived standoffishness, she could be quite tactile with those she liked. And she was, in my opinion, very attractive. So it was always interesting watching the reaction of some of the guys near to us when QC2 would get a few vodkas in and start dishing out the hugs to FG and myself. If she brought out her friends, which she did often, they'd be exactly the same. And they weren't unattractive either.

I may have also mentioned that she wore 501s extremely well, and seemed to have a large collection of black 501s. That, I'm sure, was also a factor in the admiring glances she got in the pub.

But, yeah, it's over ten years since we last saw each other and a much, much longer time since the three of us were in the pub together.

Sigh.

Last night's night out with D, FBS etc. was very enjoyable. Opinionated Guy only showed briefly and I think the night was more enjoyable for it. I can take or leave him, but I think both D and Friction Guy actively dislike him. He's not part of our WhatsApp group, but that's his choice. FBS keeps him informed when we're arranging a night out.

I got a couple of great hugs off FBS, the first when we met and the second when the conversation turned to me and I shared the stuff that's been going on since last August. FBS was straight in for a hug.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, I woke this morning with FBS on my mind. Specifically the period when we were hooking up. We did a lot of hugging and cuddling in the  lead up to us fucking for the first time, but it was the hugging and cuddling that was on my mind when I woke.

I really am touch starved.

Going out out.

Today was a day in the office. Nothing to report apart from bumping into D on my way home. We were going in different directions so we only got a few seconds to talk. Our night out is arranged with Friction Guy, D, FBS and presumably Opinionated Guy. It's two weeks tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it.

I've not heard back from M. I'll probably have to take the lead on that one as well. A job for tomorrow, I think.

And getting a conversation with KfW2 is becoming increasingly more frustrating. I have, at least, spoken to her more recently than CC has.

Urgh... again.

Finally, what I would call a good night's sleep. I think I've shifted most of the illness, though a cough and a sore throat remain. And the cough gives me a headache and shooting pain across my left shoulder.

I also recall pieces of a dream from last night. I was dating actress Anne Hathaway. We were doing that thing where we were having an awful lot of sex in the early days of a relationship and hadn't announced anything publicly. After a rather extensive session (though this wasn't a sex dream per se), we left my house to go to the shop to pick up groceries and snacks.

On the way back, we bumped into Friction Guy and his girlfriend. FG's girlfriend and AH knew each other in the dream, so we chatted for a bit and went our separate ways. Soon after, paparazzi descended on my house. We managed to sneak out and head to my parents' house where my Mum was ill, so AH was looking after her in between us cuddling on the sofa and just chatting. It was around this time that I woke up.

Nothing really to say. As you might expect, it's brought back some loneliness (being ill and single/living alone is not great even if it's not a serious illness), and the lack of sex is an ongoing frustration. And I hate being ill.

But here's a picture of Anne Hathaway as Catwoman. Catsuit. Boots. Mmmm...

Ssshhh!

Years ago, after I left school and most of my friends had gone to university, I worked an office job, where I met QC2, FBS, Friction Guy and that lot.

BW went to university in our home town so we often socialised together. During this time, he had an on-again-off-again girlfriend. I don't think they were particularly good for each other, but they found themselves getting together briefly before drifting apart again for a few months, then repeating.

I think I've blogged about my first date with CAB. Well, this girl was the reason CAB's friend lucked out that evening.

Regardless, this was before CAB or FBS. One night, BW launched himself at the girl and within seconds they were full-on snogging. Her friend was shocked.

"What are you DOING?"

"They're kissing, Rhonda," was my smart-arse reply.

I'd met Rhonda before and we got along well. We were often left talking to each other when BW and the girl inevitably hooked up at the end of the night.

Rhonda laughed.

"I know, silly. But are they going to go through this again?"

I shrugged.

"We don't have to hang around here while they fumble away."

"Where do we go?"

"Home? I'm fucked if I'm waiting around for them to finish"

"I don't want to walk home on my own."

I knew roughly where Rhonda lived and knew that BW's girl lived on the next street, which is why they'd go home together. It was in the opposite direction to where I needed to go, but I could order a taxi from hers. I shared that thought with Rhonda who pondered it briefly and then nodded. It was about 25 minutes walk.

We chatted on the way up the road. Rhonda had explained that she'd had a conversation with BW's girl who was adamant they wouldn't hook up again, hence her somewhat vocal disapproval of their actions. I laughed.

When we arrived at Rhonda's, she invited me in but before I could order a cab, we were kissing. I admit, I'd never given Rhonda any thought toward anything like this, but this first night, I just kind of went along with it. I left a few hours later when I ordered a cab and we eventually stopped snogging.

The thing is, it seemed that we were both on the same page. We both enjoyed ourselves, but there was no desire to take it any further... nor was there any real compulsion to admit what we'd done. Until we had a repeat performance about a month later after BW pulled the same stunt. After that, we both went out of our way to get the two of them together so we could have our own secret fun.

Rhonda and I eventually slept together a couple of times. One morning, as I left Rhonda's and was waiting for the bus, who should amble up but BW. As he saw me, the penny dropped, both in figuring out why I was there and the subtle way Rhonda and I had been putting BW and Rhonda's friend together were suddenly not so subtle.

I don't know what changed. BW and Rhonda's friend stopped hooking up each time they bumped into each other at the pub. Had it run its course? Had Rhonda and I just extended their usual cycle by a few months so we could have our own fun? I never found out. It happened a few times, but the regularity of it ceased.

Rhonda and I slept together once more after that. We bumped into each other at a club, she was headed in a different direction to her friends. I offered, with no assumptions, to walk her home, and she asked me to stay over.

A mostly forgotten memory of my early 20s, until I bumped into Rhonda's friend yesterday while I was at my parents' house. She'd been living just around the corner for years.

Take it slow.

At the job where I met QC2 and FBS amongst others, we ended our first year with a Christmas party. As I think I've mentioned before, we all worked in a large department and the vast majority of us were in our early 20s. That meant socialising and all that guff.

So, going to the pub etc. was nothing new to us. The fact that it was an Xmas dinner, though, meant that those who normally didn't make the effort were due to join us.

After the meal, and once the tunes were banging out, QC2 asked me to get up to dance. I don't like dancing. It really takes me out of my comfort zone. But, as USHW was always fond of reminding me, I'm a sucker for a pretty face, and QC2 was an attractive girl. I can't remember the timeline exactly, but I'm pretty sure this was before I did actually develop a massive crush on QC2.

So there we were, on the dance floor. QC2 moving effortlessly, me shuffling uncomfortably. I knew eyes were on us. It was no secret to me that QC2 was widely admired by many of the department guys, so QC2 dancing would be something to watch. After a few songs, I made my excuses and went to the bar, but not before she grabbed Friction Guy. I think he was even more uncomfortable than I was, but he, like me, didn't let her down.

I bought the three of us some drinks at the bar. Friction Guy arrived, but QC2 was still on the dance floor. I motioned to her that I'd bought drinks as we walked back to our table. QC2 came over immediately, but not for drinks. She grabbed me by the hand and dragged me back onto the dance floor.

It wasn't that long later, maybe only one song, before the DJ started throwing on the slow numbers. QC2 wasn't done though. She pulled me in close, put her arms around my neck and my discomfort levels rose by about a thousand, mainly because I don't recall doing any slow dancing with anyone before and certainly not in public with one of the most attractive single girls at work.

Nothing untoward happened. As I said, I don't think QC2 was ever interested in me romantically, and this was long before my own attraction developed, but the two songs seemed to last forever because of my discomfort, which I don't think QC2 recognised at the time until I confessed a while later.

Nothing was said when we got back to our table. We were sitting with a group of people who all started on the same day and we were pretty tight, to be honest. Everyone just knew that we were friends and nothing more. I do recall having to fend off questions from colleagues outside our group for a few days though.

Bailed.

Within the last week, I've "bailed" on Nerdy Girl, twice. Bailed in quotes. The first time was last weekend. She was out for her birthday with at least one other friend. However, it was also my niece's birthday, so that was out, immediately. So not really bailed, per se.

I was also meant to be out tonight. Nerdy Girl is leaving her current job and tonight was her leaving party. Even though we don't work for the same company any more, and haven't done for about 4 years, she invited me out.

I actually turned up at the bar, though. I did a quick lap and I couldn't find her. There was one corner where she might have been, but I would have needed to climb over people to see. I also could have called her but my social anxiety was in overdrive, so I went for least resistance. I think that was partly tiredness related. I got about three hours of sleep last night. I've had a splitting headache all day, which is never a good sign for me.

I decided that I'd get a pint, and hang about for however long it took me to drink it. If I hadn't spotted her or someone I knew by the time I'd finished, then I'd leave.

And that's what happened. I'm literally just in through the door. I'm fully expecting NG to call or text within the hour to see why I never showed up, so that's a chat I get to have. She does kinda know about my social anxiety, but I reckon, like KfW2, she never processes the extent to which it cripples me.

And it usually gets worse if I am feeling under the weather. Which I am.

To be honest, even if I had spotted Nerdy Girl, chances are I'd have been rubbish company. The tiredness and social anxiety would have made me really quiet. And I know for a fact that KfW2 can't deal with me like that. I don't know if NG can.

Plus, I'm out with FBS, D, Friction Guy and Opinionated Guy tomorrow. I want to be in better shape for that.

I am angry at myself for bailing on NG. But I am also about ten minutes away from falling asleep.