Hurrah!

I raised the subject of a night out with KfW2 yesterday. I wasn't feeling too positive - she's resisted my attempts to get her out over the past year or so, and the timing of my request wasn't great with a night out (with a number of other people) already arranged. But she was positive about getting something arranged, almost enthusiastic even. We need to sit down and decide where and when, but there's at least a tentative agreement to do something around the start of August.

Frustration

Every now and again, I get a build up of frustration. Horniness, if I'm being blunt. I've not actually slept with anyone in too many years to admit, but it's been far too long.

When this happens, I tend to have the same fantasy/dreams/daydreams of having energetic, passionate sex with an unidentified woman until we both climax and collapse on the bed, hot, sweaty and satisfied from our exertions. The woman, while unidentified, is known to me and usually brunette, tall, athletic per my preferences. The sex is gratifying, but there's also an intimacy because the unknown woman is known to me - it's not a random hookup.

That's been the case over the past few days.

Presumably it's been kicked off by the resetting of my Tinder account, presenting a fair amount of attractive ladies to potentially match with (none yet though). And the good weather. The good weather always puts a spring in my step.

Talky.

It was one of our bigger work events last night. The weather was gorgeous, free food, free beer and lots of fun stuff to do.

I tend to mingle at these events, so I did the rounds, chatting.

There was an extensive chat with my colleagues about an upcoming change to the team, an opportunity that's only open to a select few. That's going to make life frustrating, from a personal point of view.

We spotted Quiet Girl chatting to the new guy. She seemed very animated and we couldn't figure out if the new guy was making a move or not. (It turns out that he's married.)

Later in the evening, Quiet Girl ambled over and we chatted, first about work, then about personal stuff. We chatted for quite a while, before we went our separate ways.

It was a fun night.

Restart.

After yesterday's technical (i.e. user error) disaster with Tinder and the cute girl, I've decided to reset my account.

While this is the first time in years that I've done this, it seems that some people do this almost every day. There's a girl who called herself "B" and I swipe left every time I see her... which is every other day, and I'm not even exaggerating.

Girl Talk

Quiet Girl returned to the office today from an extended business trip. I managed to get chatting to her today, but not for any prolonged period. Ignoring the fact that I think she's cute and I think she's married, I do actually want to get to know her better. She does seem to be quite interesting.

In other news, I've been browsing Tinder over the weekend and swiped on a few interesting and cute looking women. One really stood out this morning as I swiped, awaiting KfW2's arrival. It was a girl that I'd matched with just over a year ago. I'd actually messaged her, but she disappeared hours afterwards.

I decided to hold off swiping on her, to be able to use my only Super Like. I can use one per day and had used one late last evening on a sexy looking brunette. Cute, but the bikini picture showed an amazing body. USHW says I'm a sucker for a pretty face. She's not wrong, but I'm a sucker for an athletic body too. Pity I don't have one of my own.

Disaster! As I went to swipe through this girls profile to use my Super Like, I accidentally left swiped. And now she's gone. At least until the next time she shows up. It could be days (some potential matches show up every other day, despite left-swiping), weeks or months, but I have seen quite a few people multiple times - CC's friend, this girl etc.

I'm actually genuinely gutted - she has a good vibe about her and a look that I like and I was disappointed I didn't get the chance to contact her previously. Despite not going to the speed dating event a few weeks back due to not being in the right frame of mind for it, I was motivated to actually contact this particular match.

FFS.

Talking.

There were further pints lifted on Wednesday with FP. It was nice to get out of the house again - something that I'm finding increasingly hard to motivate myself to do in general, not just for socialising. Even when the weather is good, which it is at the moment.

Today was a family day at work to celebrate our new building opening. KfW2 asked me to help her get her kids there until her eldest son arrived. That was all well and good, but she was slightly late, though not as late as she can be (and is famous for). And her son was out on the town last night and was over an hour late. KfW2 expected me to help her out with her kids... while my dad, sis, bro-in-law and their kids walked around on their own. I was a little angry at her presumption. Even when KfW2's son turned up, he was essentially useless as a helping hand.

KfW2 mentioned on the way home that I wasn't on top form and I explained that I was tired but also that I felt guilty about barely seeing my family today. KfW2's reply was that I barely saw hers which seemed a little off to me. I think KfW2 had ideas about today that involved her family and mine doing things together, but she made no effort to do that. She's met my family before and they genuinely like each other - there was no reason why she couldn't have Facebooked her and arranged that.

We got back to mine and talked. My lack of sleep came up again - it's been mentioned a fair bit bit I got the feeling that she wasn't really listening (or I was underselling how I was feeling). I think she got it today, though. I explained that I was mostly not having any issues getting to sleep but was waking during the night and not getting back to sleep. As a result I was averaging about 5 hours sleep a night for the past three months or thereabouts. I explained that it seemed to build up until I was very "frazzled" - mentally exhausted, poor memory and lack of concentration but a semi-decent night's sleep would temporarily sort it.  But, I admitted that I didn't have any one thing bothering me - nothing that was obviously troubling me, though it's clear that something is.

We talked about work - about my issues last year with my boss at the time, about wanting to earn the same as those beside me doing the same work, about feeling a little trapped because of my appraisal last year stops me from moving internally (and stops me from asking for a pay rise) and about looking forward, having to work in the same team as The Chosen Ones (who always score well, but work under optimal circumstances). I admitted that the above could well be a factor in my current mental state, but I didn't think it was the sole reason. The conversation petered out there as it was time for her to pack up and go home. I hope that this conversation sticks with her, unlike a similar one we had about some weeks ago.

Co-incidence

"If you could look into the future and see something of your choosing, literally anything, would you? If yes, what?"

"You can't change anything about what you see, only know about it."

USHW and I do swap these kinds of questions every now again, and they're fun and thought-provoking.

This time, though, I had a few hours and several pints of beer to ponder the question.

Rather than answer the question, I got a bit pedantic.

I think your assertion has a flaw, in that it relies on you knowing your future, if you're talking about specific events, rather than "show me on my birthday when I am 55".

From what I gather, you're asking "What happens when..." rather than "What happens if...". The latter can be changed because it's an unknown. The former is a pre-decided course of action.

"What happens when I try to sleep with CH" assumes I will inevitably try to fuck CH and shows me the outcome.

"What happens if I try to sleep with CH" shows what happens in a possible future and gives me the chance to decide.

Now, in the above scenario, I may never fuck CH under any circumstances, but in the same vein, knowing the future around that once thing allows me the choice of taking a course of action.

Why I picked having sex with CH out of the air to prove a point is beyond me... but who did I bump into this morning, completely out of the blue?

Yup... CH.

It was nice to see her again, but she trotted out the same old nonsense. If I want to meet her for coffee (drinks now completely off the table), then I have to go way out of my way to do it.

For a close friend, I'd do it. That's not CH any more.

And the question itself from USHW reminded me of one of my favourite books - Replay by Ken Grimwood where a guy "dies" during a massive heart attack and comes to in his own teenage body, but with all his memories of his previous life intact. I'd like to read that again... it's in my bookshelf somewhere.

Out and about

I met FP for a few pints last night and it quickly became apparent that we both had a thirst on.

We were out in my favourite local bar (the one where I first saw CB) and there was a decent crowd.

FP brought my attention towards a couple of attractive ladies. One was younger than us - maybe early 30s - an attractive blonde wearing a tight dress and showing an awful lot of cleavage. The other seemed to be around our age in a summer dress with a figure that reminded me of CH. She was cute, too.

It certainly gave me something to look at while talking rubbish with FP.

And they were both in the company of men, so I didn't see an opening to introduce myself. To be honest, the blonde wasn't doing anything for me. The brunette with CH-like figure was another matter. And I couldn't shake the feeling that I'd seen her somewhere before.

Exhaustion.

A few days ago, I suggested to KfW2 that I'd give her a hand looking after her kids. She's due to be out and about, but has spent most of the night awake, for work. She did something similar recently that completely wiped her out.

So, I thought I'd do her a favour. And then I changed my mind. Partly because I have stuff to do today (that's not watching the World Cup) plus, in KfW2's world, I have to get to her to do her a favour.

I had two options - get to KfW2's house within an hour or have a little more time, but meet her closer to where she'd be this afternoon.

And that, primarily, is why I didn't go. Maybe it's a little selfish - an hour's travel and £10 in bus fares isn't a lot, though KfW2 could have picked me up by adding ten minutes each way to her journey.

I heard it in her voice that she's disappointed I'm not going. She's absolutely exhausted and the kids will be a handful.

Unfortunately, I'm in the same boat, and have been for probably about two months now. I'm mentally shattered. My concentration is practically zero. My memory is shot. I spoke about it to KfW2 weeks ago, but since then, she's been more vocal about how tired she is.

This is slightly amusing and frustrating at the same time. A while ago, KfW2 complained about how her husband always tried to out-do her if she complained about something. If KfW2 had a headache, her husband had a migraine etc. I kinda feel like KfW2 is doing that. She's been so quick to tell me how tired she is etc. that I haven't had a chance to tell her that I'm still in as bad a state as I was a few months ago.

I need some time off, and I have some booked, but that's nearly three weeks away and I don't have the chance before then to take any.

I am looking forward to that time off, though.

Party on!

Due to work commitments, I found myself out and about last night with some colleagues, including KfW2. I had forgotten how much fun KfW2 is when she's out and about socially, and drunk. She's a completely different drunk in public than she is when we're drinking at hers or mine, for example.

It made me a little sad - it's been well over a year since we had a night out, just the two of us, and it's not looking likely that we'll get another any time soon (though, as shared previously, she will go out for girly nights out and pamper afternoons for manicures etc.)

I will get her out soon, though it's likely to be in a group. And I know she'll enjoy herself - she always does with the group of friends I socialise with. But she claims that nights out are few and far between with her current family and financial status - however that seems to be her decision rather than an actual inability to do it.

The poor wee thing is massively hungover today, which usually prompts a "never again" promise that she manages to uphold for at least a few months.

But, you know, these things will happen when you return from the bar with a tray full of tequila.

Eyes front.

Years ago, on the evening of my only proper date with RB, once we'd gotten back to hers and once sex was taken off the table, she changed into her nightwear - pyjama bottoms and a vest top.

And she looked good in it.

I'd never considered vest/strappy tops to be a thing, but RB sold me on them. And that just wasn't because, the next morning, I got a good eyeful of her tits.

But I've not really encountered them since on women I've dated.

Until this morning, when KfW2 sauntered into the office wearing a tight, black one. We had to work closely together as well, so I got a good eyeful of cleavage the entire day.

There also wasn't much evidence of the "massive weight gain" that she's been complaining about recently.

Dreams.

I was talking to KfW2 earlier. She was up in the early hours of this morning for a work thing. Around the same time, I awoke because of a bad dream.

"Tell me about it" said KfW2.

"I'd rather not"

"Go on."

"It was a bad dream, let's leave it at that."

"Sounds bad"

"A bad dream, is all."

"Who died?"

I paused. Should I tell her the details?

"You did."

Another pause. Eventually KfW2 spoke.

"Did you miss me?" she laughed.

It really affected me. The dream was that KfW2 was diagnosed with a terminal illness, but she didn't tell me. I think it was cancer, but that detail didn't seem important. She just kept on doing her day-to-day stuff until her time was up. After she passed, I got a letter where she told me how much I had meant to her and that she didn't want to tell me about the illness because she just wanted my normal company in her remaining days. I couldn't sleep after that. I can't describe how I felt at 4 AM this morning but it was very unsettling.

Curiosity got the better of KfW2 and she started asking more questions. I didn't want to talk about it. I answered some, but not all, of her questions and we eventually moved on to other topics.

The dream reminded me of something that F told me about 12 years ago - she had to go into hospital for an operation. She never explained what it was for, just that it required general anaesthetic. And then she dropped the bombshell... she had left some letters with her solicitor to be sent if the worst happened. And one of those letters was to be delivered to me.

I've always wondered what it contained.

Where the heart is.

It's been quiet at Chez Ruuude, mostly due to the tremendously good weather we're having. I've been mainly in the garden, chipping away at the massive amount of work that needs done. I'd get a "professional" in to do it, but getting people out to quote for the work has been problematic.

I'm lazy, but equally, I want to host barbecues and have people round for drinks in the garden during the summer.

I should also be in the position of having a better idea of the things in the house that need attention. The issues verbally reported to me are not going to be cheap to fix, but the other options were equally expensive AND massively inconvenient to me. So, I kinda consider that a win. Moreso if I get a lottery win.

Nice to meet you.

It wasn't entirely unexpected but Quiet Girl (amongst others) left immediately after the meal, so I didn't get a chance to chat.

In fact, of the fifteen people who came out, it was the same people who stayed out afterwards. Mostly. That's not a bad thing - the people who stay out are good fun and I regard them as my friends. And that's something that I can take some pride in - I built up the camaraderie in the team that made people want to spend time with each other.

And it was a good night. It's pretty much guaranteed with this group of people.

Ultimately, I'm disappointed that Quiet Girl left so early. While she's not part of my team, she does work with us, so it would have been nice to get to know her better... and it would have been nice that she wanted to get to know us better, too.