End of year blues (cont'd)

JB's just been in contact to say that they're going to be in the pub I wanted to to go to. She's suggested I pop in for a drink, which kind of takes me back to my original plan of heading there first then meeting up with S.

I'm expecting contact from GM in about 2 hours to let me know his plans and how they tie in with S, so hopefully it should be all sewn up before 8 PM and I won't be running around waiting for phone calls at 10 PM like I was last year.

Like last year, this is a rollercoaster, though this one might at least have a more positive ending.

Oh, and a disclaimer... assuming that CB is in the bar and I am still there when she arrives, without a wingman, it's unlikely I'll do anything, even with my previous post about regrets. You can't underestimate my crippling shyness and lack of confidence, especially around girls I'm attracted to.

End of year blues.

Even my rough plan for tonight has already taken a hit... KfW2's friend is no longer going out, due to illness. I've seen the posts on Facebook, so I kinda figured it out. That was my only chance of hitting the bar I want to attend. Talking to M earlier and he offered the opinion that the vibe in that bar was conducive to meeting and  talking to people. I'd never thought about it, but he's right. It really is one of the more sociable bars in the city. And if I am being honest, the small chance that CB might be there is always a draw, especially given that there's no-one else on the horizon and CB popped into my head again a week or so back.

GM's also managed to pick up a back injury, so he's doubtful for tonight and if that's the case, I really don't know if I will go out. I was a third wheel last year with S's friends... I don't know if I want to do that again this year, in the same bar as last year, feeling let down by my friends and wishing for a bit of luck in meeting someone.

I don't often do regrets, and they say you always regret that stuff you didn't do. Well, I think it's fair to say that I definitely regret not talking to CB a few year's back.

It's the end of the year as we know it...

KfW2 and I have a tradition, but it's nothing out of the ordinary, we simply meet for lunch at some point between Xmas and New Year. That day was yesterday. These days, things are slightly different... certainly less alcohol-centric. It seems we've swapped the post-lunch drinks with trips around the shops, which is disappointing from my point of view. I prefer my chats to take place somewhere comfortable and the odd swig of something alcoholic really doesn't do any harm in loosening me up.

I managed to get a few things off my chest - the ongoing CH thing, the GM contact issue (now resolved), the New Year's Eve frustrations and finally the ongoing funk. I explained that I was frustrated with GM's contact as I'd had a chat with him about my funk. GM knows how much I need to get out on NYE, and I've been pushing it each year for the past three or four years (before that, it was house parties arranged early enough by others that we weren't scrambling on December 30th). Yet, despite that, when I contacted him earlier to find out his plans, he replied that he was going to tag along with S. I've already mentioned how frustrated I am that S has gone out of his way to arrange something after my own suggestions. The news from GM has really frustrated me and, once again, brought up the loneliness I feel at this time of year.

Despite being the core of our circle of friends, the one night I really need/want people to get on board with my arrangements is the one night they simply don't want to know: NYE. They're happy enough for me to arrange nights out at the Christmas Market, summer nights out etc. all year round except NYE.

So I told KfW2 about the ongoing funk, that things like NYE, while not directly related, did have a negative effect. We also talked about CH. I told KfW2 about my frustrations at the inability to get CH out socially, that her backing off when I tried to have personal conversations made me angry and that I didn't know if I was going to bother addressing it because CH is actively looking for another job. Once she leaves our company, I don't expect to see her ever again. KfW2 was surprised. We had a chat about unreliable friends for a bit - KfW2 has her own to contend with.

In between each topic, KfW2 returned to my funk/loneliness, pondering what to do about it. She asked questions about the type of messages I had been sending, but I replied that there was nothing more I could have done. I did get the impression that KfW2 thought that maybe the lack of online dating success was down to the messages I was sending. I reiterated my theory that the messages don't count - if you have a picture and the other person finds you attractive, your message will get read and replied. I don't think she agrees simply because one of her friends got a girlfriend online and she thinks he's practically undateable.

All-in-all, I had a pretty successful afternoon, conversation-wise, and came away from KfW2's in a good mood. A lot of the things that are currently bothering me are now in the open with KfW2, even if solutions aren't immediately available.

I just have to get NYE over me and look forward to a social weekend (possibly out with KfW2, FP and G)... and then get stuck into 2015's goals.

Contact.

After another day of pondering whether or not GM was OK, KfW2 suggested that I message GB. They used to be close, so if something was bothering GM, she might know. I sent the text and waited for a reply... and waited... Five minutes before GB replied, I got a text message from GM. His first actual contact in weeks. Everything was fine, he said. He'd just been keeping a low profile with his family over Xmas.

It was good to know that he's OK, but I'm still no closer to knowing what he wants to do for New Year's Eve though.

Down.

GM has been suspiciously quiet recently. A few weeks ago, when myself, S and another friend went out for Christmas drinks, GM didn't get involved in the conversation, didn't show up and hasn't even acknowledged that the night took place. That's unlike him, he usually, at least, says he won't be turning up. My text message from a few nights ago is still unanswered and a voice mail left last night, where I professed concern, is also unanswered.

He has been online; he's been posting on Facebook, especially conversing with a foreign friend of his, and after I left my voice mail, so I do know he's been up and about.

At this rate, my New Year's Eve will be a washout. I know S is going out and that's a fall back, but it's a real last resort kinda thing as I've previously mentioned. KfW2's friend is posting on Facebook about a cold that she's got so she may not be out on NYE (though I don't know her well enough to spend the entire night with her).

I know that he was depressed at the start of the year (something that's not entirely common knowledge with our group) after a breakup with a girl he was seeing that didn't work out and my concern is that he's feeling that way again. After all, I tend to get more lonely/funked at this time of year anyway even without NYE shenanigans getting me down, so it's possible that GM is too.

Gone quiet.

Unsurprisingly, GM hasn't yet responded to the text message I sent him almost nine hours ago. He is my one main hope for getting out on New Year's Eve. He was originally talking about hosting a party, but seeing as there's been no invite and it's four days to NYE, I can't see that happening. I've already mentioned S, but his "loyalty" to his friends means that even when he invites other out, they're left feeling like outsiders. At least that's how I felt last year.

At the very least, I can hopefully meet KfW2's friend for a couple of drinks, but that's all I can really say for certain.

I really hope GM doesn't go quiet like he did last year. An answer, one way or the other, is still an answer and I can plan appropriately.

It wasn't that long ago (only three or four years) where there were house parties that had forty-odd people at them, now I'm struggling to get two or three people to the pub.

Non-stop.

After a non-stop, sixty-something hours at my sister's place, eating, drinking and running around after nephews and nieces, I'm back home in the comfort of my own place.

I was out last night with FP and BR. E3 was invited but has gone quiet, so we didn't know if she was going to show up or not. It was a better night than I was expecting... usually it's a small crowd with people from school, but this year the school crowd were in the minority and it was mostly BR's other friends that I didn't really know.

Still, I'm looking forward to my own space (both housemates are away as well) for a few days, but I also know I'm going to have to start the hunt for stuff to do on NYE. I'll be starting with GM later this afternoon. He's been strangely quiet over the Christmas period.

Ho hum(bug).

I thought that I had successfully talked S into going along with my New Year's Eve plans, which would have meant going to one of my favourite bars. It's pretty much a nailed on affair - guaranteed crowds (though not too busy), plenty of atmosphere and it's just got a good vibe. Over the past few years when I've been there, there's always been a good mix of people and some really good looking women. It's the bar where I've seen CB, amongst others.

Last night, S then dropped the bombshell that since our last night out, he's been pestering his mates to forgo their house party plans and go out with him... to the bar where we were last year. It's a nice bar, but last year it was half-empty and pretty soulless.

Attempts to talk him round have proved futile. I've mentioned before his devotion to his core set of mates, which is admirable in some ways and frustrating in others. I did admit to him that I was pretty pissed off that he'd essentially agreed to my plans last week, but had done a complete about-turn and not even told me.

Now, my promising looking NYE is at risk. I could still turn up to the bar I want - at the moment one of KfW2's friends will be there, but I'll still be on my own (I know her well enough to stop in for a drink, but not well enough to sit with her all night). If I can maybe talk GM into it, that's definitely an option, but he was meant to be out last night and was strangely absent and quiet. Usually if he's not coming out, he usually states upfront what his plans are.

As if I wasn't in a funk enough this morning, while killing time at work on Facebook, a throwaway text message from M about a mutual friend of ours brought CB to mind again and a quick search later... *sigh*

I have a night out with BR and his wife. E3 might be there, but she hasn't confirmed as yet. At the moment, I'm not feeling it. I already feel partied out and could do with a complete rest from food and booze. I've also got a lunch date with KfW2 a few days after Christmas that I am looking forward to.

As always, it's the NYE stuff that's the main cloud... and being reminded of CB hasn't helped with the usual funk either. On the plus side I'm looking forward to seeing my nieces' and nephews' tomorrow morning after Santa has been.

Bored.

Today, I was bored at work so activated the chat feature in Facebook and got talking to some people who were online. I spent a very pleasant few hours talking to A and R2.

A and I have semi-regular conversations, four or five times a year. I've not spoken properly to R2 for years though, and a comment from her last week on Facebook brought her to mind.

Despite the frequency of contact, there are enough bonds with both women that by the time we'd wrapped up the conversations, I'd had an invite (practically a demand, actually) for a drink or coffee from A and an invite to visit NY (complete with "place to crash") from R2.

I'll probably be in London a couple of times next year, so meeting A for an hour or so is do-able, but it's unlikely that I'll be seeing R2 any time soon, despite New York being on my list of places to visit.

Communication breakdown.

CH has been interacting with me over the weekend but, tellingly, not communicating. 'Likes' on Facebook, playing moves in Words With Friends but not replying to my text message of Friday afternoon. I caved this morning and sent a text, suggesting she was quiet and had she enjoyed the Christmas party?

She replied within a few hours. Nothing was mentioned about Friday's text or my current query. She did answer the question though - she did have a good time on Thursday, but didn't expand any further.

USHW accused me of ducking the confrontation, and that's partly true. Part of me wants to give her the chance to redeem herself without hand-holding from me, though I realise that each time I do, there's a good chance that she simply gives me more reasons to cut my losses.

After her admission of a few months ago about how much she values my opinions and judgement, it is really strange that she backs off any time I look as if I might start a serious conversation.

And that's what it's coming down to... even more than her unreliability and cancellations, I think. I binned off GB because of a two year period where she was giving nothing back to our "relationship" (I'd struggle to call it friendship, but it was more than acquaintances). CH is getting perilously close to this point.

When I was telling KfW2 about the CH thing on Friday, she laughed and suggested that she might be worried in case I was about to profess undying love to her. I laughed along... but maybe that is partly the issue - she's definitely interested in me in a non-platonic way and is trying to keep the friendship at arm's length?

Of course, USHW suggested that maybe the reason this has strung along for so long is because of my own non-platonic feelings. She's right, of course. Without the lust/attraction (and even CH's own physical attention towards me), it's entirely possible our relationship would never have even gotten off the ground to begin with or at least have faded out a long time ago, after all, I've been more than vocal about how important reliability is to me.

Maybe the reasons why CH is doing what she does aren't important? I've given up on it over Christmas... I doubt I'll hear from her until we're all back in work in two weeks and I'll deal with it then. I know she is talking about leaving our company for new challenges, and I was kinda expecting the friendship to end then anyway, but maybe it's worth challenging her on this? There is a core of a good friendship there... she has shown glimpses, but it's always been on her terms. She has shown an interest in my life before, especially my dating status, but it's always been her to start that conversation.

It's not the start to 2015 that I would have wanted, but it's a chat I need to have if I want the friendship to continue.

In the cold light of day...

I was wary about this year's Christmas event due to getting far too drunk last year and making comments to KfW2 that I really shouldn't have about her appearance. They weren't all negative, but they shouldn't have been said.

When the guys suggested that, once again, we start in a nearby bar early, I was apprehensive. I shouldn't have worried though. We might have started early, but we were sensible in our intake. By the time it came to join the rest of our colleagues, we were tipsy but nowhere near as drunk as the same stage last year.

In fact, I'd had a lot of comments all night from people who told me that I didn't seem to be that drunk, including KfW2 and CH. It was a weird night with CH, though. Even from within the hotel, she'd tried calling me before the meal and afterwards for reasons unknown. When we did manage to find each other, we didn't get a chance to sit and chat. Every time we did bump into each other, someone else would interrupt and take one of us away. After having yet another coffee cancelled last week, I very much wanted to sit down and talk to her about her reliability as mentioned a few weeks ago, but the chance never arose. More on that later, though.

People might not have thought I was drunk, but I was in a great mood that was partly fuelled by alcohol. It was the type of mood I often post about on here where the shyness etc. never comes into play. People who don't know me that well would see any of the following as being out of character, but I had:

• Been very chatty to some cute women I've never spoken to before
• Gotten one of them on the dance floor for a laugh
• Kissed JB (not anything untoward, but simply a big smack on the lips with comedy 'MWAH') as I walked past her
• Engaged in banter with our managing director

I'm also pretty sure one of CH's male friends was making moves on her at the end of the night. His actions really reminded me of the night that E3 came on to me. She seemed totally unfazed about it though (or didn't notice), so I have no plans to follow up on this.

On the bus on the way home, one of GM's (stunning) exes was chatting away to me. She offered her lap as a seat, but I declined, explaining jokingly that I was a big lad and would break her legs. I told Stalky Guy about this yesterday and you could almost feel the jealousy seeping through the Whatsapp messages.

I sent CH a text message... a cryptic "We need to talk". When I awoke the next morning, there were a couple of messages from her. "Why?" "What's up?" "Are you OK?"

While not hungover, I needed to gather my thoughts. My head's often fuzzy after a night's drinking even if I don't get hangovers in the traditional sense. Instead I called KfW2 and we talked about the night out. She'd enjoyed herself and reiterated my so-called good behaviour. KfW2 laughed when I told her what I'd actually done. During the phone call, CH sent yet another message telling me that I was acting weird. After the phone call from KfW2 ended, I tried to call CH but I was directed to voice mail so I sent a text message instead, explaining everything. Or at least enough to start a conversation.

That was at 4 PM yesterday and I'm still to receive a reply from CH. As USHW said to me, it's now out there and we can address it or not. If our friendship means as much to CH as she recently, drunkenly, confessed, then she'll deal with it. If not...

Oh dear.

I drank far too much at our Xmas party, but I was generally well behaved. Although I'm not hungover, I am really tired and my head's too fuzzy to do a proper post. I'll save that for later. Two things I wanted to get out was what looked to me like someone actually trying to pull CH and me, kicking off a conversation with CH about her cancelling nights out with the line "We need to talk" before falling asleep. I awoke this morning to a couple of concerned sounding messages from her. I've clarified what I meant now, but I haven't heard back from her since I sent that explanatory message a few hours ago.

The next two weeks.

It's our work Christmas night out tomorrow. I don't think we'll be seeing a replay of last year's shenanigans with CH - that was something that just happened rather than being engineered. I think I'm looking forward to it, but I am wary that the last two big nights out that I had high hopes for ended up being non-events or disappointing. Grabbing a drink with CH will be fun though. KfW2 will also be out.

I'm also hoping to start the bargaining for New Year's Eve. S has an idea about taking his friend out, but his idea sounds more like a date than a fun night out. I have a theory on that which I may have shared here in the past. GM is still undecided about what to do - he's keen on a house party but I could tempt him into coming out.

I've kinda got FP interested as well, but getting him out with his wife might well depend on getting KfW2 out. She's reluctant, but I might be able to talk her into coming out early and leaving early, especially seeing as her best friend will be in one of her favourite pubs, which is where I want to go.

Potentially that could be a night out with seven friends plus KfW2's friends in a pub I know will have good atmosphere on New Year's Eve. I don't want to get excited, but who knows?

Sigh.

I think yesterday has pretty much drawn the line under our big days out. That's not to say that I had a bad time, far from it, I really enjoyed myself during the evening, but I don't think that it was as good as I had hoped and I am feeling rather deflated today. In addition, I found myself getting annoyed at KfW2 and her husband for doing nothing more than getting some alone time. Maybe it was just that I'm still in this funk and still feeling a little lonely or maybe it was because this was all KfW2's idea originally, but when you're an hour late, only out for four hours and you spend probably an hour of that doing your own thing, it seems to me that maybe you'd prefer just to be alone.

Once KfW2 and her husband left, we grabbed some fast food. I ended the night after that, even though S, S's friend and GM were going on to another pub. Though I was quite drunk, by that stage, I think I'd had enough and was already started to feel a little deflated/melancholic.

One bright side to come out of it was that S's New Year's Eve plans have fallen through - all of his mates are looking to go to house parties, so hopefully, with a bit of persuasion, I can talk both him and GM into doing what I want to do.

Jumping to conclusions.

I awoke this morning and checked my phone. A message was sent on Facebook. Hmmm... I don't have Facebook Messenger installed on my phone - a petty rebellion against the company. Why should it be a separate application? But it got me thinking. Today's our annual "big day out".

Most of the usual suspects are going except GB, MF and CH.

The first thought that crossed my mind was that KfW2 had messaged to say she wasn't able to go. That's the way things have been going recently, but when I logged into my PC, it turns out that it was actually from USHW hoping that I have a good day today.

Is that what it's come to? That my first thought about anything is that I am going to be let down?

Postponing.

My night out with D, FBS, Opinionated Guy and Friction Guy is put on hold. It's not just because FBS is refusing to come out, but also because D's wife is ill and is in the middle of several sessions of surgery. Serious surgery. I don't think she's in any danger, but it'll be a while before she's doing any babysitting.

As it happens, I bumped into Friction Guy today while I was out shopping. I haven't seen him in years. Back in the day, Friction Guy, QC2 and myself used to hang around an awful lot in work and socialising together, so it was good to see him again.

So, I won't be seeing these guys before Christmas... it's likely to be February at the earliest before we get the guys out. FBS probably won't be out until late spring.

However, I am in the mood for some socialising. I have a big day out on Sunday, but I could easily go out tonight if an offer was presented.

The cold shoulder.

The young of the two new house mates is already starting to piss me off. From trying to rearrange the kitchen, to always leaving the ironing board in the middle of the floor (we never put it away, it just sits at the side of the room), to running the heating almost constantly.

He's been running the heating a) almost as a habit rather than necessity and b) at the highest level.

I keep turning the level down to about 60%. If you put you hand on a radiator, you can't tell the difference between that and full power, but each time he turns on the heating, he moves it back to over 90%.

He doesn't usually get into the house until after 9PM, but he already has a routine - turn on the heating, make some food, have a shower and he'll turn off the heating after 11PM when he's going to bed.

Even if we've already had the eating on for a bit, he still turns it on. Our place hold the heat really well, so a quick hour or so of heating (even at 60%) will keep the place comfortable for a good couple of hours afterwards, but this guy doesn't seem to notice and will turn the heating on again... one night he turned it on no more than five minutes after I'd turned it off, FFS.

I'm not complaining about the heating being on. Heat is a necessity, especially in winter, but I think he's using it too much. There are times when I am tempted to turn off the heating because I am uncomfortably warm.

I'm digressing a little. The gas has now run out. That leaves us with no heating and no hot water. Unsurprisingly, Heating Guy hasn't topped up the card or even mentioned that there's no more gas. Thinking about it, neither has TV Guy. I was the last person to top up the gas card, so it's up to one of the new guys. Except neither of them appear willing to accept responsibility for anything.

Droooooool.

A close friend of mine recently posted a picture of himself with Mylene Klass on Facebook. Mmmm... Dark eyed brunettes rock.

And following on in a tenuous way, I bumped into my actress neighbour this morning, who was looking stunning. She seemed to be running late, so there was no chance of striking up a conversation  though.

Speaking socially.

Usually at this stage, I'm looking forward to a few Christmas nights out. We have our now-annual trip out with KfW2, GM, S etc. in a few days and the work's Christmas party this time next week, but the one thing that's not yet been arranged is the night out with D, FBS etc.

Usually it's FBS who does the running, but this time it's me. FBS is heavily pregnant with about ten weeks to go and is steadfastly refusing to go to a pub. That might not help because one of our crowd has been a little weird recently and the last time there was a bit of friction from one guy because me, D and FBS went for a smoke and left him with this other bloke, Opinionated Guy.

Since then, Friction Guy has not come out. If FBS is boycotting out night out, Friction Guy might well not bother. Still, if you don't ask you don't get, so I sent out feelers to the usual people.

Only one person has replied so far, Opinionated Guy, so we'll have to see what happens.

Open wide and say "Wow!"

I was chatting to USHW earlier, and left with the message that I was going to the dentist. Her name's Lucy* and she's new at my practice.

"All Lucy's are cute, so I'm expecting her to be cute", I said jokingly.

It turns out that I was more than right... she was stunning!

Later, on my way to visit my sister, I got a call from KfW2. I explained that I was just out of the dentist, having seen the new girl.

"Is she as cute as the last one?" asked KfW2.

To be honest, I don't remember the last one being that cute. Maybe she was confusing her with my sexy physiotherapist from a few years ago, but I didn't have the time to explain or get into it.

"She's cuter!" I said.

KfW2 laughed.

We soon got onto the real reason for her phone call and that was that.

*Not her real name.

Last Christmas...

After all the talk this year about CH, I had pretty much forgotten about some aspects of last year's work's Christmas Party until USHW asked a few questions earlier about this year's.

We (me and group of colleagues) turned up early to a pub near the hotel and started drinking quite early. By the time it came to meet everyone else, four hours later, I was more than tipsy. When KfW2 arrived, I berated her for her hairstyle before complimenting her on her ass in a figure hugging dress. She was really not impressed.

Later, I bumped into CH and GB. GB was staying at the hotel and had brought in some illicit booze which she was sharing with people. When I got to the room, there were already a few people there, including CH. CH was wrecked. I've never seen her that drunk before (and consider that I was nowhere near sober myself) and found it all amusing.

I also had to sit beside her and cover her modesty as she lay back on the bed, her dress rising up and giving off more of a show than she'd realised. We had our drinks and prepared to leave GB's room and return to the throng. CH squeezed my thigh and whispered that she was going for a nap and could I come and get her again in half an hour.

I think I saw a bit of mischief in her eyes, but it was hard to tell. I left the room, returned to the party and mingled a bit, but all the while I had an eye on the clock. After about forty minutes, I excused myself from a conversation and returned to GB's room. When I was about twenty yards away, the door opened and GB came out, followed by CH.

CH looked at me. It was hard to read, but I'm convinced it was a look of disappointment. CH leaned up against me as we returned to the main room, and even under the watchful eye of GB, CH was being very tactile in her usual subtle way.

We didn't see a lot of each other for the rest of the night, but she hunted me out at the end. I walked her and her friends (MFF and others) to CH's sister's car as she was giving them a list home. As they all got into the car, CH turned and kissed me. Again, a peck on the lips but one that lasted just a fraction too long. Luckily, everyone apart from CH's sister was drunk or there might have been more made about it. CH got into the car and left.

By this stage, KfW2 had forgiven me and offered me a lift home. The Christmas party ended half an hour later when I was dropped at my place.

Spot the trend.

My lunch date yesterday with QC1 fell through. Well, more accurately, she never replied to my email confirming my availability. I did meet CH for coffee though and, if I am being honest, she didn't look to be in too much discomfort, despite her Facebook protestations.

Still, we were both due to take our time off, even if we weren't going to the pub together, so I suggested we did lunch. From that, we spent a fun few hours wandering around the city doing bits and pieces of shopping. It was only after we'd been walking around solidly for about 90 minutes that she started complaining of discomfort.

I suggested we found somewhere for a drink or coffee.

We chatted, but we didn't cover any serious ground. I didn't talk about my current funk and disappointment in her unreliability and she didn't mention her job hunting.

We parted company at 4 PM as she left to get the bus home and I had to return to my place to await KfW2's arrival at 5 PM.

Except KfW2 called at 4:30 and said she'd be running late. And she sent a text at 5:10 to say she'd be on her way. And called at 6 PM to say that she was stuck in traffic. And sent another text at 6:30 to say she was ten minutes away before finally arriving at 6:45 PM. With her nine week old daughter in tow.

This night was never about going out and getting falling down drunk, but it was very much about find a cosy bar, having a few drinks over five-or-so hours and talking. Obviously, turning up nearly three hours after the original meeting time with an infant isn't going to mean any kind of relaxing, fun night.

I'd been swapping emails with USHW between leaving CH and KfW2's arrival and my parting shot as I left was "I think we're literally going to show up to the restaurant, have something to eat and leave."

Apparently, KfW2 Jnr was brought along because a few nights previously, Mr KfW2 had to look after the infant for a while and KfW2 thought that it was unfair that he did it while she was out having fun and getting drunk. In isolation, this is not an unreasonable attitude... until KfW2 tells me that she's going to visit her parents this weekend because Mr KfW2 is at his Xmas party and she won't be able to cope on her own.

I love KfW2 to bits and I enjoyed the two and a half hours that we spent, even though her attention the entire time was her daughter. After my success a few weeks ago with GM, I wanted to have the same conversation with KfW2, but we barely got into our stride, conversation-wise.

The last thing that KfW2 said as she left me off home was that we should arrange a night out, just the two of us.

USHW asked if I'd had a good time. The answer was that I did. With both women (though the question was more to do with KfW2). More specifically, that answer was: "In isolation, yes. In comparison to what should have been, a massive, massive disappointment."

USHW asked for clarification.

I said: "It should have been a full night out with KfW2 and CH, having some drinks and lots of chatting that I've been looking forward to for 7 weeks. What it turned out to be was an afternoon shopping with CH and a 2 hour meal with KfW2 whose priority was her daughter the entire time."

Both women were apologetic, but sometimes it's not enough, especially from CH who's been as unreliable as anyone I can remember... even more so than AM. Both have legitimate excuses this time around (even if part of me thinks that CH was exaggerating her pain and that KfW2 was being too sensitive).

It did prompt a theory that has been bubbling along for a while ow subconsciously, but just put of reach - I think I've been taking these things badly over the past 18 months because the upshot of it when someone can't pull through for me or cancels a social engagement is that I'm  not important enough in their lives. That, then, resurfaces the usual funk about wanting to meet someone... to be that important in someone's life. Disappointment in supposedly minor things like GB not coming out on NYE last year, CH making last-minute cancellations, GM and S being unavailable etc. have all been amplified because of that one thing.

I'm definitely going to have to have the conversation with both CH and KfW2 about everything really, but it has to be in person and, well, you know...

Looking forward (Part 4)

I was in the middle of a convo with USHW tonight when I got a message on Facebook from CH to KfW2 and me. I'm paraphrasing, but it essentially said:

"I'm in tremendous pain, I could barely move today, can we completely change the plans we had for this week to be a lunch thing instead of going to the pub at night?"

I pretty much, in a polite way, told her not to bother - if she was that bad, that she could come out another time. I mean that, but fuck it, I'm not arranging it. I'm also tentatively meeting QC1 for lunch that day.

She cancelled a night in October that I had suggested, then it was her idea to meet this week. That initially didn't work out for her (not for KfW2 or me), so we changed it to Friday of last week. Then that didn't suit her either, so we moved it to Thursday of this week. Which she's now crying off from.

That's four times she's changed/cancelled or cried off something.

I'm angry and frustrated. Anger's not going to accomplish anything, so when I do inevitably have a chat with her about this, I shall have to play up to the frustration angle.

There's a core of a good friendship there. She's already told me as much herself - about how much she values my input, advice and point of view. I know that she's been very impressed about the fact that when I offer up a counter-argument to hers that I can reason with her rather than simply adopt an opposing point of view.

Thinking about it, though, it's not reciprocated. Any time I try to have a serious conversation with her on my terms, she seems to back off. Admittedly, these are mostly over IM or text message as we don't get any time together, alone.

But recently she has been talking about taking her career in a new direction which is, more than likely, going to mean a change in employer. Following this to its logical conclusion, that means we won't see each other any more and she's already proved that we can't talk over text messages. God forbid that I might actually phone her. Single men and married women simply do not do that kind of thing - though she doesn't bat an eyelid at me and KfW2.

I still have to hear from KfW2 about whether the night will go ahead. I'm 99% sure that it will... but I'll be on tender-hooks until I get that message.

Looking forward (Part 3)

"Has CH been in touch with you?" was a question I asked KfW2 last week.

"No" was the reply. "Why?"

Why indeed. Continuing CH's run of bad luck, she was involved in a car accident at the beginning of last week. Luckily, it wasn't too serious (in terms of people getting hurt) and it wasn't her fault. But with an impending night out approaching, alarm bells started to ring.

Despite the fact this was CH's idea, we've had to re-arrange it at least three times... and all because of CH. While CH hasn't actually cancelled as yet, discussions are ongoing between her and KfW2. CH has already been to the GP about whiplash (proper, rather than "give me some money" fake whiplash) and is on medication that doesn't allow her to drink.

KfW2 is having issues with babysitters.

I've left the ball in their respective courts (CH hasn't directly told me she's not drinking, this is from KfW2). I understand that one of them is physically injured and the other has a dependency, but I will be gutted  and angry if our night out is called off at this stage.

KfW2 and I had made arrangements months ago that we would have a night out around this time, so when CH suggested going out, it seemed logical to merge that night and our originally planned one into one. Now, mainly because of CH, that might not happen at all.

I asked KfW2 a few hours ago if I should change my plans. I'm just waiting on the reply.

Oh dear.

When FNG and MfW left the house and the new guys moved in, I sent an extensive email with lots of helpful information and some other stuff about splitting the bills etc. and specifically our Virgin Media bill and how to pay me.

One guy, immediately replied back.

"It's too much. We should look for better value for money."

I instantly got defensive. I hate when people try and dress stuff up like that. It's not value for money he's looking for. He wants to reduce the bill. However, he doesn't know what we get for the money we pay each month. It's this kind of tightness that winds me up and all for what would probably be a saving of about £4 per month for each person.

We're currently on a friends and family deal that AM arranged for me, so we're doing pretty good under the value for money angle.

The other new guy never said anything about the Virgin Media stuff, so I never bothered doing anything about it. I noticed from my online banking last week that the complaining guy never set up a recurring payment, so I sent him a text. His reply was almost identical to his first complaining email, only this time he dropped the "value for money" angle.

I replied back telling him about AM's deal and how much that same deal would cost a new customer - AM's deal is "saving" us about twenty-five pounds per month. Paying ten pounds less than we currently do would really reduce what we're getting for our money.

"We should strip the package back to the bare bones and then only add things if everyone agrees to it" is his idea.

He then sent another text. He sent a "test payment" to my bank account. A fucking test payment. I've never heard anyone send a test payment before. It seems to me that he's being deliberately obtuse.

Seeing as neither me nor the other guy (though I really need to clarify this with him) have any issues with the monthly payment, I have a feeling that the complaining guy is going to be disappointed, but this needs to be sorted now and I don't think he's going to like the outcome.

Looking forward... (Part 2)

Hopefully, fingers crossed, this time next week I shall be sitting in a comfy bar, getting tipsy and having CH and KfW2 as company. I say "hopefully" and "fingers crossed" because it's taken a lot of frustration and organisation to finally nail down today week as our night out. I'm interested to see what happens. The last time, with people from work, CH asked for kisses in front of everyone, then had a rather strange text conversation about how much she valued my friendship.

She's asked for kisses before in front of people, including KfW2, and there's been hand-holding and ass grabbing. Will next week be a repeat?

I am very much looking forward to it regardless, but at the same time, I don't want to get too invested that it will happen in case it all falls apart.

Looking forward...

The talk that I had last week with GM also covered New Year's Eve. I mentioned how disappointed I was last year and hoped this year would be better. GM had half-suggested hosting a party. I think it was something that he had already given some thought to, and that would be cool, but I'd rather go into town.

One of KfW2's friends posted on Facebook about what to do this coming New Year's Eve and ot looks as if she is giving serious consideration to going to the bar where I encountered CB a few years ago. This has gotten me wondering if that means KfW2 will come out. In all the time I've known her, we've never spent New Year's Eve out. She had planned last year, but I think she was otherwise occupied at the time.

I know that one of S's friends from out of town is visiting. Ideally we could get everyone into the same place which would be amazing, but even now, it looks like there are more options this year.

I can only hope... and hope to be able to persuade GM, KfW2 and/or S to do what I want. I definitely can't do sitting in, not in this funk... and I don't want to be a third wheel like I was last year with S.

Beered out.

Another work night out last night - the second this week alone and a last-minute change of plans for next Friday has freed me up to attend that one as well. I don't know if I could be bothered with that one, though. However, that might just be today's apathy causing me to think that way.

It was a good night, but I'm feeling it today and an incident in the restaurant has made the usual frustrations come to the fore again.

Next week's night out with CH and KfW2 has been pushed out a few days to early the week after which caused some anger until we came up with a new arrangement.

Talking.

I'm just back from my chat with GM. I already feel slightly better and I think I managed to say everything that I wanted to say. I'm not sure that I explained myself too well in some things, but I'm blaming that on a busy night's entertaining that I did last night and the subsequent lack of sleep and hangover.

I did cover my disappointment in GB and MFF regarding CB, my online dating experiences, my subsequent disappointment in KfW2 not being more understanding, how long this has been an issue for... pretty much everything I originally talked about in this post.

I was surprised that GM's online dating experience wasn't that much better than mine (or so he claims) - he's pretty much described as a very good-looking bloke by fellas and girls alike. I would have imagined that he would have been getting a lot more messages (if not dates) than I had. While he does get more messages from me, they rarely turn into dates.

We've come to an agreement about trying to get out to meet people socially - we talked again about trying speed dating. I instructed GM that if we are out and I am pointing out cute women that he has to give me a kick up the arse and make me more pro-active (and help me with ice-breakers/openers). He asked me to do the same.

This is all just talk... but Christmas is a social season, so time will tell if this chat leads to the two of us helping each other out. I hope it does.

Woah.

A few years ago, when I was doing online dating for the first time and around the time I first "met" DSC and Date No. 1, I remember seeing a profile of a girl that may have been cute. The trouble was, it was a professional looking photograph and a weird pose, though the photo itself was striking and memorable. Couple that with a lack of info on her profile and what was there was really bland, I didn't follow up. So, she's not one of the hundreds of women I've contacted over the years.

Today, I discovered something: the photo (and presumably the profile) belongs to an actress which I discovered while browsing IMDB... and as luck would have it, I know something else about this actress... she lives next door to me.

Drinking

I was out last night with FP, the first that we've met up in a few months. Despite the weather, the bars we were in were very busy, including a stag group from out of town in my favourite bar who were far too drunk and ruined the atmosphere somewhat.

It was good to catch up and we discussed many topics. I have a hangover today though, but I can't figure out why. I wasn't particularly drunk and was drinking my favourite beer that hasn't given me a hangover in the past. Also worth mentioning is the fact that quite a few girls caught my eye last night.

Nothing to report there - no-one grabbed it sufficiently to make me want to talk to them, though there was a little flirting with a woman at the bar, but the reason I mention it is that it seems to have been a long time since I was out socially and anyone caught my eye.

It's the start of a busy two weeks - two nights out with work and an upcoming, yet-to-be-cancelled night out with CH and KfW2, a meeting with GM and who knows what else?

Postponing

I postponed my chat that was due to be last night with GM until next week. It was weather-related. The weather here has been appalling for the past forty-eight hours and as a result traffic has been horrendous. In addition, GM was fitting me in between leaving work, grabbing some dinner and heading out to a prior appointment. The traffic would have meant that the limited time we already had would be even more limited and I didn't want that. I don't see the chat itself taking that long, but I want to have the flexibility of having all the time that I need.

GM did put up a bit of  fight, but I reassured him that while I very much wanted the chat and for it to happen sooner rather than later, that it wasn't serious (as I had mentioned in the text) and could wait a few days.

Doing.

I ended up texting GM instead of emailing and I left S out of the loop, at least for now. The upshot of this sudden burst of pro-activeness is that I'm meeting GM for a coffee later this week, though only for an hour or so. That should be plenty of time to tell him what's troubling me and, hopefully, that'll kick things off.

When I say "things", I mean talking to other people, getting my act in order. I'm not expecting GM to have or provide solutions nor for him to talk to other people on my behalf.

• Current unhappiness with my relationship status
• How that sometimes social things make the first point worse (for example, CH cancelling nights out)
• How this started off being a periodic minor annoyance/funk, but has built steadily for the past 18 months due to various things and people
• How I'd like to be more active socially and not simply come home from work and sit on my own, doing effectively nothing
• I've tried talking to KfW2, but I don't think she grasps the seriousness of the problem and CH backs away any time the conversation gets serious and personal

I'm sure there are bits and pieces of other things, but this is what I want to cover this week.

Pondering.

I think that I've decided that I am going to send an email to GM and S and tell them how unhappy I am currently with the social/dating aspect of my life. It's an idea I've been pondering for a few days now, but I've no idea what to say or how to word it.

Roughly speaking, I think my unhappiness stems from recent unreliability or lack of contact from friends - GM being unavailable, S focussing on his "core" group of friends at the expense of everyone else, CH crying off nights out, GB making herself unavailable when I needed something to do last New Year's Eve - stuff that's happened over the past 24 months. There's also the online dating thing that was a Grade A disaster and unrecognised by KfW2 and finally the GB/MFF/CB thing that was the same and is the major factor in my now less-then-impressive view on GB.

As I have mentioned before, this is something that started off being a minor annoyance to making me very unhappy with that aspect of my life. I need a solution, especially to the meeting women/new people thing.

I've started, so I'll finish.

Years ago, way back in the mists of time... and if I count it all up on my fingers, it's about 25 years. FP was going out with a girl. She was nice enough and we got on, but she had a twin sister who was a royal pain in the arse. However, they had a house and hosted lots of parties.

I can't remember the details of this particular party, but I do remember being quite drunk, only me and possibly E3, at around 4AM., watching a film. For reasons I can't quite remember, even though I was enjoying the film, I never got to see the end of it. I think I left the party and came home, but the details elude me.

Regardless, that film was "The Presidio", a film that scores moderately on IMDB, but I seem to remember enjoying. Well, tonight, I managed to catch the last twenty minutes of it, at last.

And, no, it wasn't worth the wait.

Here we go again.

I was meant to be meeting M on Friday night for long-overdue drinks and a catchup. When I text him last night, he admitted that he'd forgotten all about it and that MM was going out instead. Sigh.

Then CH was on instant messenger earlier. Apparently she's on-call for work on the night that she had arranged to come out with me and KfW2.

The night itself hasn't been called off completely (yet), but at the very least, she's not going to be drinking and will, in all likelihood, be driving.

It can only be a matter of time before the night falls apart completely. Well, not completely because KfW2 will still probably come out... but I'm still angry because this was a night that CH suggested.

Planning (cont'd 2)

All last week, as a result of feeling a little low and a little lonely, I was trying to get GM (and others, but specifically GM) out for a few drinks. In a roundabout way, that happened - S turned down the invite, but then issued a counter-invite to join him and his mates.

GM decided that he fancied a fancy dress night out and that was all planned. I was due to be out with work for our usual monthly even, but I couldn't make up my mind whether to go or not. JB and the stalky fella mentioned a few posts ago spent days trying to talk me into it and somewhat against my better judgement, I agreed to go out.

I was only planning on going for the free drinks we usually get and then come home and get ready for GM's phone call... but the two free drinks turned into five... then eight... then ten. By the time I left at around 8PM, I was slightly more tipsy than I had planned and that's where the entire evening's plans fell apart.

S doesn't usually leave his house until after 10PM, so I had two hours to kill. I walked the fifteen minutes back to my apartment and watched the telly, waiting for the phone call or text message that would let me know they were on their way and I could make my way to the agreed pub and meet them.

Stopping drinking is the worst thing I can do, though. Once I was on the sofa watching TV, lethargy and apathy kicked in. When the message finally came, I was pretty exhausted, comfortable and looking out the window at heavy rain. Even text messages from JB asking me to come out weren't enough to prise me away from the house.

So, no hangover today, but a bit of regret and anger at myself that I didn't go out last night with GM. That's all my fault - the mistake was going to the work thing.

Happy stalking.

I know that I've spoken here about my confidence and privacy issues and I've also made mention on occasion about my concerns about the fact that part of me still hopes to meet/get introduced to CB, but there's a guy in work who makes me look well adjusted.

Almost on a daily basis, he "stalks" a girl's Instagram account. She's very pretty and a bit of a gym bunny (I wish I had her motivation) and he does this in front of everyone. It can't be healthy.

I suspect that he has no shortage of offers and he's hinted vaguely at the fact that there has been more than one girl who's asked him to call round for a booty call off his Tinder experiences. Obviously I'm jealous in that respect.

But it's the constant stalking that concerns me. I've mentioned it to him. I don't know if we'd be classified as friends, but I do feel that there's more to it than simply a running gag and a cheeky wink.

Planning (cont'd)

The good news is that GM hasn't ruled out something on Friday night. I'd even go so far as to say that he actually wants to go out, but he's still keeping a close eye on his finances. S has kinda changed his mind and turned my invite back on me, though he implies that fancy dress is not optional if I go out with him.

The reason he's invited me along is related to something that I've mentioned before - he cannot see things changing with his friends. He had made a big thing a bout Friday night and didn't realise that because it was Hallowe'en, that people with children might want to stay in and have some family fun. As such, numbers for his night out are, at best, half of what he'd hoped. So he invited me and GM along to make up for the drop outs.

Regardless... it still took S's invite and a follow-up comment by me to prise a reply out of GM. Things aren't totally ruined yet and are looking better than they did a few days ago, but Friday could be rescued yet!

Ho hum.

A few weeks ago, CH was very gushing about our friendship and specifically, how quickly I earned her trust and how much she values my advice when asked for. Admittedly, she was a little drunk, but I don't think that she was means she didn't mean what she said.

Subsequently, she cancelled a night out and I've been the one driving meeting for coffee etc. with mixed results.

Over the past month or so, I've been wanting to sit down with her and talk about my current unhappiness, partly because she's my friend and partly because her lack of reliability is feeding it. It's hard to get her on her own though. She has two close female friends that are almost constantly at her side, plus I don't really want to have a personal conversation in work. I feel the same way about KfW2 and often take her to lunch or our for a drink when I need to chat.

CH sometimes seems to shy away from anything that might build upon our friendship and it's something I simply can't read or understand about her. Serious conversations are allowed, but anything personal seems to be a no-go area. I was hoping to get a chance to day to either set something up or actually have the conversation, but that was scuppered by a lack of availability at lunchtime and a third party joining us at coffee.

Sigh.

Planning.

Over the past few months, GM has stopped being reliable in replying to emails. It used to be when a social thing was suggested, he'd agree to come out or he would decline. No big deal. What he's started doing now though is simply not replying.

I sent an email at the start of the week suggesting a night out on Friday. You can't beat a few drinks on Hallowe'en night when there's lots of fancy dress going on.

S replied almost instantly and declined the invite, unsurprisingly. He and his friends have always gone out in full fancy dress, so it wasn't a surprise that he would already have made arrangements.

GM hasn't said a word though. I know it's only Tuesday and he might still reply, but I don't want to be hitting quitting time on Friday still in the dark about what might be going on. At least if I know, one way or the other, I can make suitable arrangements.

It also feeds into my current unhappiness about being single. GM's social activity isn't linked directly to my relationship status, but having someone be unreliable, as CH was recently, feeds into the feeling of loneliness, which feeds into the current unhappiness.

The case of the curious Tinder Incident in the Morning time.

My only regular activity that could be called online dating in any kind of shape or form these days is Tinder, which I still have installed on my phone after the online dating adventure earlier this year. It can be quite depressing given that I've had it on my phone for probably about six months now and have had two matches and neither of those came to anything (or were really grabbing my attention to begin with), but I can't seem to delete it...

I was browsing this morning and a girl from my work popped up on it. She's attractive, brunette and has a nice figure. She's also married, as far as I can remember. We have a few friends in common, including CH and KfW2 soI sent a text to CH earlier, asking if she was in a relationship.

CH replied and told me that the girl from work was married with children and asked why I had posed that particular question. I spilled the Tinder story. She's been awfully defensive since then.

"It must be someone else"
"She wouldn't do it."
"She's happily married."

Personally, it doesn't matter to me. There could be a totally innocent reason for her to be on Tinder, or there could be other reasons that means she is actively looking outside of her marriage. I really don't care and I wasn't judging, but CH is really making sure that I know there's nothing untoward going on.

Planning ahead.

Party season is approaching. Arguably, for me, it starts next Friday with our work's Hallowe'en fancy dress party. I don't do fancy dress. It's not a snobbish thing. It's just a self-confidence thing. I'll pop along for a while and see what's happening but both KfW2 and CH are definitely not going.

I already have at least one thing planned for every weekend in November including a night out with both KfW2 and CH and no-one else, and after that, it's December. That's still to be arranged, but we at least have the work's Christmas event.

I've already started thinking about New Year's Eve. I'm gonna raise the subject with GM in November and see if I can't at least get an acknowledgement this year. We're the only two without a reliable group of friends, so we should both be looking for company for that night. I already know what I want to do this year - the same thing (bar) that I wanted to do last year, but in reality, if I can get GM out, then it doesn't really matter. With any luck, a bit of notice and some persuasion should sort that out. GB won't be about, unless MF decides to come out, but that might be a battle to get her to see my point of view.

WTF?

I've just put some washing on and discovered that one of my new housemates has done a winter wash. That's six woolly hats and at least four scarves. SIX hats?

I'm going for the younger of the two, not the guy who's my age.

A brief adventure in online dating.

I've long given up on online dating... the times that I've tried it have really dented my self-confidence and I'm still in a bit of a funk regarding my "adventures" earlier this year. Imagine my surprise when I was looking through one of my rarely-touched Gmail accounts and saw emails from OK Cupid.

I can barely remember opening the account, so it's no surprised that it seemed to get overlooked when I was shutting down all the rest of my online accounts.

The most recent intrigued me though. "Someone has added you as a favourite!" it proclaimed. Now, I have already posted here about the "quality" of women in my catchment area, so I wasn't expecting much.

I spent a while pondering whether or not to sign into the OK Cupid account to see who it was. Part of me was inquisitive, part of me didn't want to open a can of worms regarding online dating again. Eventually, I succumbed.

And I'm kinda glad that I did! She was very pretty, my age, physically she ticked a lot of boxes and seemed generally interesting. She's easily the most promising woman I've seen since CB. Ooooh. But I've given up on online dating. But she's cute! And she's marked me as a favourite!

Sod it, I thought and mentally started composing a reply until my eye was drawn to her details. she doesn't live near me. She doesn't even live in the same country as I do. In fact, she doesn't even live in the same continent. Bollocks.

I bemoaned this fact to USHW who suggested that the girl in question has a similar looking going on to someone I know, but she was unable to put her finger on. E, perhaps, but she's unsure. She also suggested that I move somewhere with a better quality of singleton.

I said that I might message her anyway, just for a laugh. USHW encouraged me to do it.

"You never know where it might go" was her take on it.

So I popped off a quick message. I wasn't expecting to hear anything, especially as she logged in pretty much as soon as I sent the message and no replay was forthcoming.

There was, though, a reply this morning. Friendly, but brief and not really inviting any further communication.

I really should close down that OK Cupid account though. The standard of local singletons really hasn't improved.

Staying in.

Tonight was the night that I should have been out with CH and our mutual acquaintance. Part of me is glad that I'm not - I'm very tired today, plus the weather here has been appalling for the past 48 hours. It's blowing a gale and the rain is thundering down. I don't know that I would have been in the best for for it (but you never know...)

That doesn't mean I'm not still disappointed that it isn't happening. I was speaking to KfW2 yesterday and we were comparing our crap friends. I'd told her about CH and she had been sympathetic. It's not just about CH though. Sometimes I feel that I expect far too much from my friends, even if that is simply expecting them to mostly turn up to arranged events that they'd agreed to. And also part of that is the fact that my friends, in general, tend to let me down a lot more than I feel that I let them down.

However, that's by the by. Yesterday was very  much a good day. I spent a good few hours with KfW2, chatting and catching up and then spent a good few hours in the company of M and MM. MMBF was mentioned, but just in passing after a night out we'd all had a few weeks ago and with regards some drama that's going on in her personal life. I've tentatively pencilled in a night with M in a few weeks as well.

A quiet weekend beckons, but I'm kinda looking forward to chilling and just watching some TV and films.

Hmph.

Last week I asked CH to do me a favour, so we met in the lobby at lunchtime and went shopping. That was the favour - I wanted a second opinion on something I was buying. Prior to leaving, I sat on the sofa beside her and gave her a quick hug. I don't know why... I'm not usually this kind of tactile in work, but I did it anyway.

"Someone will talk!" she said.

There was no-one about, but was interesting given a conversation that USHW and I have been having on and off recently.

I then met CH for a late afternoon tea-break and, even sober and while she was in work clothes, I found myself wanting to have sex with her more than I have, ever. It's not even that CH was doing anything untoward to create these feelings of mine - she was simply sitting with her legs crossed at an angle that showed off her impressive curves while she was talking to me and an acquaintance.

Part (possibly most) of it is undoubtedly my own funk on being single... it's something that's been building pretty constantly, in the background, since I saw CB in the pub about twenty months ago and all the related failures since then. It's been an age since I last had sex or even met anyone where the possibility was there. It's a double frustration: I really do want to meet someone for something long-term... but there's a physical need that needs satisfied as well.

Wow!

I saw a mention of this lady today. I've never heard of her before, but wow!

Lucy Verasamy, an ITV weather girl.

Communication breakdown.

One of the main topics of conversation I have with USHW is my communication problems. I've also posted here on numerous occasions about how I want to be able to talk to people - KfW2, QC2, CH etc. but I often don't do it because a related topic never comes up in the conversation and I don't have the confidence or skills to manage the conversation. I say "confidence" but I think it's that I tell myself that they don't want to hear whatever is troubling me. Deep down, I know that's not true, but during the face to face chats I have with various people, that's how I feel.

While I don't like raising the subjects myself, I've often said that I'll pretty much answer ANY question. And I will, regardless of subject. It takes a lot to offend me.

I don't have this issue online. If I'm talking to USHW, R, E, F etc. or posting here, then these concerns never arise. I don't know why it's easier for me to communicate and share from behind a keyboard and screen than it is in actual, real-life contact. Sometimes, my theory is that it's habit. Since I started university and found out about IRC chatrooms, I've made a lot of friends online. I've had online-only hobbies and been a member of numerous forums. All of these have meant keyboard and mouse communication to begin with. When I eventually met some of these people online, the ice had been broken, secrets shared and it was natural to carry on, face to face.

It's also habit with regards to my family... we've never been close and never really shared too much, emotionally. I was a slow starter in the world, so even during my formative years, there was little to talk about (plus there's an unanswered question about possible autism). I don't recall, for example, my sister asking too many questions about my personal life. The closest we got was my breakup with FA2 which hit me pretty hard at the time, though I was well into my twenties at the time.

There was dating, puberty and all that, but nothing serious until I was well into my twenties. So, even now, it's not something that's natural to me. I know that I want to do it. I know that it's healthy to do it, but often, when it comes to the crunch, I don't take the opportunities when they're presented to me, and then regret that afterwards. That's something I really do need to change about myself.

Sigh.

I'm feeling tired, a little depressed, disappointed and very lonely right now.

I was tagged in a post about eleven hours ago on Facebook by CH. In it, she suggested a night out, possibly with KfW2. I didn't see this until I met with CH for coffee this morning at ten o'clock and she told me about it. The reason for the suggestion? She can't make it next week. Plans that have been in motion already for nearly three weeks and she still can't put aside time because of yet another emergency, this time robbing her of money rather than availability.

I was looking forward to that night out for a number of reasons, but the main one was to talk about my relationship status. CH has often asked and commented on it, but we've never really had a proper conversation about it and most times it's been mentioned have been while we were in work - somewhere I don't like having personal conversations.

We'd kinda already started talking about it - I had already suggested, semi-seriously, that CH and the mutual acquaintance's job that night was to find me a woman, so we were already heading down the road to having that conversation. Right now, I feel the need to fill her in on the past eighteen months - GB, CB and MFF for starters, but also online dating and KfW2's lack of understanding, because it's all led to me being very unhappy right now with that aspect of my life. While social nights out aren't intrinsically tied to my relationship status, being let down, regardless of the notice period, does add to the loneliness. This isn't just a CH thing either - GM's recent distance etc. has all fed into this. And it's the one over-riding emotion I'm feeling today, more so than anger or disappointment or sadness.

I sent her a message after afternoon coffee and told her that we should go out for lunch next week. I want to have this conversation with CH, but I can't have it in work and I think we need more than a fifteen minute coffee break to do it justice. As of my leaving work this afternoon, she hadn't replied, so I don't know where this is going to go.

Here we go again.

It was our monthly work night out on Friday night and it was a good night, even if most of my usual acquaintances didn't turn up. I did my usual semi-flirting with JB with liberal doses of cheek and boundary pushing. I'm surprised she doesn't slap me to be honest. Fun aside, I called it quits at a sensible time and headed home.

I have a night out with CH and a mutual acquaintance in a few weeks that I am really looking forward to. There's also an option to invite MFF out as she knows everyone else who's going out, in fact she's good friends with CH and our mutual acquaintance.

I'm being selfish though. The idea of inviting MFF out is purely to see if we can talk about CB, rather than enjoy her company directly.

Regardless of who goes out, I can definitely see CH talking about my relationship status. If MFF is out, then that could easily segue into a conversation about CB (she's still the last person I've seen whilst out and about who really made an impression on me).

USHW doesn't think it will pan out that way and she might have a point. I still have issues in steering conversations the way I want them to go and it always feels awkward to me to be more direct in nudging a conversation the way I want.

The choice seems to be either to invite MFF and hopefully move the CB forward or to finally lay it to rest or not to invite MFF and enjoy the drunken flirting that CH seems to indulge in (the reason it's a choice is that I don't think she'd ever do it in front of her friends).

The relationship status unhappiness is almost constant these days, from being something that only came about a couple of times per year and I'm very much looking for a long-term rather than short-term solution.

Close... but no cigar.

I managed to grab a couple of hours with G at the weekend. FP was out too. We ended up doing a mini pub crawl around the town. It was a good laugh. It always is with G, and he was very appreciative of the time with us given recent developments in his family. That's us as a group though. We'd drop anything for any one of us.

While we were out, my eye was taken by a cute girl. I always have a look around when I'm out. As the only single bloke in the group, no-one takes offence. This one was slightly different though. Usually, I'm very much of a "Yeah, she's pretty" then move on, but this girl was different.

She was completely not my "type" - short, blonde, too thin... but there was just something about her. She stood in front of us in the beer garden and lit a cigarette and G and FP noticed that I was very much taken by the girl in question, so we started to make our way over to see if we could get some chat going... until we noticed that she was married. Ah well... we finished our drinks and moved on.

Still... given my lack of opportunities elsewhere, it's nice to know that there are still random women turning up to bars who will make me feel something more than apathy.

*whistle*

Helen Skelton who is currently on Countryfile, really reminds me of RB.

Deja vu there... have I made this point before?

Online dating frustrations

I found this on another blog and thought it looked interesting especially given my recent frustrations with online dating:

http://jonmillward.com/blog/attraction-dating/cupid-on-trial-a-4-month-online-dating-experiment/

It doesn't explain people's behaviour, but it does confirm what I'd always suspected.

Frustration.

The urgent thing that G had to deal with a few days ago was a death in the family. I've known G for many years and while our families weren't friends, they did know each other a little. Going to the funeral was a no-brainer for me. M and BR were there also and we showed our faces at the house afterwards.

That meant I arrived into work in a full suit. Normally, I don't really like wearing suits, but I went shopping with KfW2 last year and got one that I really like and really feel comfortable in. I think that comes across when I wear it because I've had plenty of compliments (though, to be fair, I've always had plenty of compliments when I scrub up, even dating back to FA2).

I bumped into CH in the lobby and she could barely contain herself. In fact I'd go as far to say that she pretty much eye fucked me, which was a huge ego boost. We man aged to arrange coffee for that afternoon. I messaged USHW to gloat about the obvious frustration that I'd caused CH.

I got changed out of my suit and later met CH and she voiced her disappointment that I'd gotten changed. However, the tables were turned. She'd removed her coat that she'd been wearing earlier and was wear a black vest top under a sheer, black blouse. It showed off her figure really well and as she was playing around on my phone, I got a good angle for a perv.

To say that I was frustrated after that was an understatement and USHW laughed when I reported that fact as well.

I discussed the upcoming work thing in a few weeks time which CH (as usual) has said she'll attend. We'll have to wait and see if that actually pans out though. And even if she does turn up, it's likely that MFF (who has recently returned to work) will be there too which would cut down on any shenanigans, but could open up the possibility of talking about CB/dating in general.

The same old faces?

As part of my recent trip to London with FP, part of the plan was to try and meet up with G. That wasn't the case, sadly, as something came up that G had to deal with urgently. Not that it mattered... FP and I still had a great time.

We also spent a day in Brighton. I know a few people who live in Brighton - an unrequited love interest of S's, CAB and a friend I made during one of my online hobbies from ten years ago. The day in Brighton was very much a last-minute thing or I might have made an effort to get in touch with S's unrequited love or my online hobby friend (I'm still in touch with both), but it was CAB I really wanted to see... if just to satisfy my curiosity about how she looks these days (her only Facebook profile picture is several years old, but she looks pretty unchanged as I remember her).

I kept an eye out for her the entire time we were out and about, but I didn't see anyone familiar. It's the first time I've travelled to London in years and not bumped into anyone that I've known. And it's probably for the best that I never bumped into CAB.

Online dating rant, revisited.

A couple of months ago, I had a bit of a rant about online dating. I mentioned that, had I lived somewhere else (I think London was used as an example because I'd been reading the 30 Dates Blog), then I really wouldn't be stuck in the rut that I am.

I had a chance to put that to the test this weekend when FP and myself were briefly in London. Obviously, this isn't the world's most scientific experiment, but I think the results do kinda raise an interesting talking point. The experiment was that I Tindered. For those of you who are unaware of Tinder it's a dating/hookup app for smartphones that uses your Facebook profile. You simply swipe left (no) or right (yes) when you see people you want to meet. Should you both swipe right, then you are given the opportunity to message the other person.

At home, I swipe right maybe two or three times out of ten. In London, I was swiping right nine times out of ten or even more frequently than that. And they just kept coming. I was only in London for a couple of days, but when I had five minutes to myself, I'd idly browse through Tinder, swiping appropriately and being impressed by the standard on Tinder (attractive women writing interesting things and not resorting to clichés or "duck faces"). While it's doesn't given any indication of the numbers involved, you could argue that there's a better class of singleton in London (and Brighton as I was also there for a day).

Or maybe it's because I've seen the same faces pop up on Tinder time after time. I assume they delete their Tinder profile and reactivate it a few days later.

Since I started using Tinder, I've had about three mutual hits - two of which were women swiping right after I had (i.e. I was offline when the match alert happened), but they never followed it up with messages. One was me being online when the alert happened, though when I went to send a messge, the person was gone. I wasn't around in London long enough to see how many mutual matches and subsequent messages would be generated... I should definitely do that the next time I am in London for any length of time though.

And if I learned one thing from all this, it's that I find pictures of attractive women paddling in the sea wearing flowery summer dresses very sexy indeed.

A quick ramble.

I've had a few drinks whilst watching the telly, well, not the telly... a film. Despite my comment last night, I didn't watch The Avengers, but I'm watching it right now. Well, not right now. I've taken a break because there are a few things I really need to get sorted tonight because I'm taking a quick trip out of town tomorrow. A quick 36-hour trip to London. Out tomorrow morning and back on Monday evening. I need to get other stuff sorted though.

I'm hoping to meet up with G while I'm there, but that's a bit touch and go at the moment. I would also have loved to have had a coffee/drink with A or USHW, but time is really against me.

I've also taken to a bit of pondering. Pretty much every time I've been in London, I've 'randomly' met someone I know. Literally, bumped into in the street. It's something that seems to happen to me an awful lot. I think I've talked about it here before. The most extreme example is Kiwi Girl.l A friend of mine was having his stag party in my (and his) home town. During an extended stay in one of my favourite bars, I "rescued" a friend of FP's from some unwanted attention. That happened to to be two attractive Kiwi Girls who were based in London and I spent some time chatting up the blonde one, talking about Lego, colouring in, New Zealand, beer and many other topics.

Beyond a couple of brief kisses, it went nowhere, but about four months later when I was travelling through London to meet up with A, who should I literally bump into on the Tube? Yup. Kiwi Girl.

Who's it going to be this time? RB? I know she's currently based in London.

Saving the world in style.

Before my crush on Jessica Alba, my main celebrity crush was very much Uma Thurman. Much to FA2's chagrin, I would watch films that had Ms Thurman in them, even though they were, for the most part, awful.

When The Avengers opened in 1998, I told FA2 in no uncertain terms that we'd be attending. We'd only been officially dating a few months by that stage, so she wasn't really aware how much of a crush I had on Uma.

We came out of the cinema and headed for a drink. FA2 wasn't very complimentary about the film in general. She quite enjoyed taking the mickey out of me as it was my choice of the film until I opened my mouth...

FA2 thought I was going to protest, but what I actually did was agree with her.

FA2 was flabbergasted.

"But... but... but... you were really looking forward to the film! And it turned out to be appalling!"

I smiled.

"I was looking forward to seeing Uma Thurman in a tight, black leather catsuit. The rest of the film was immaterial."

She laughed and tried to retort that she had enjoyed Ralph Fiennes in a suit as well, but I was too busy reminiscing about the catsuit.

FA2 ended up getting a little drunker than she usually would (she was a stickler for maintaining control of herself and would be horrified if she got drunk and did something stupid or silly) and when she initiated sex later that evening, she was a little more aggressive than usual. I don't know if she was thinking about Ralph Fiennes, but I was certainly thinking about the catsuit.

Why the story now? Well, I've just found a copy of that awful movie... that's my Friday night sorted!

Running Man.

Since the start of the year, CH has been telling me about the running that she's taken up. From what I can tell, she runs various distances but usually between three and six miles at a go. A few weeks ago, she asked if I would join her on a couple of pre-work runs. I baulked and said no, because I hate running, but with trying to get back into my fitness programme again, I changed my mind and said yes to her. She was delighted, but that was a month or so ago and nothing was said about it again.

Until today, when I asked her if she was still running. She hasn't done anything recently, but said she was looking to get back into it, so we've tentatively agreed to do something within the next few weeks... definitely before the end of the month.

I know I said I wasn't going to talk about the actual programme here, but as I've covered the above, I might as well say that I hope do spend the next week getting back into my stretching routine and then start off with a two or three mile run a couple of times per week and take it from there.

I'm hoping that CH's company will motivate me enough to keep it on.

FFS.

I've heard nothing from the letting agent or the landlord over the past few weeks, but I've been in touch with the two new tenants and by all accounts, things should be wrapped up within the next few days. I fully expect at least one of them to be moved in over the weekend.

Out of the blue, MfW pinged me in work today  on instant messenger. Instantly I knew what it was about - the "final" electricity bill. I had asked him to keep the account open and that when the new guy came in , we'd simply change the name on the account. I'm already looking after some of the bills... I'm not taking on ALL the financial responsibility.

He agreed... but two days after he moved out, he sent myself and FNG a text: "Settled up with the electricity people and closed the account. You owe me an extra tenner."

I've not yet paid him. More through opportunity than anything else. He insisted it was a bank transfer, even though I could have paid him in cash there and then. Since then, I've barely been in the house long enough to sit down and worry about setting up a one-off payment for twenty quid.

"Have you had a chance to look at the electricity bill?" he asked.

I replied that I hadn't. I "explained" that his abrupt departure with pretty much no warning and no reason and the uselessness of the letting agent had meant I was out looking at other places, in case everything fell through and the landlord started chasing me for the thousand pounds per month rent that we're meant to be sharing.

He went quiet for a few minutes before popping back up again on IM detailing how much he thought it was. He wants paid because he's both paranoid and extremely tight with money, but after my "excuse" above, he could come out and simply say that he wanted paid.

It might be a bit passive-aggressive, but he will get paid... but when I have the time and inclination to do so, not because he simply demands the money. I mean, it's only been a week, FFS. It would be months at a time between him handing over whatever monies he owed me.

The past few weeks has been a reminder that there's a reason that MfW has no long-term friends. He simply doesn't treat them very well and would appear to be one of those people that dedicates all his time to any girlfriends that he has. Anyone that I know who's appeared on an irregular basis are family members - cousins - rather than friends.

Once I make that final payment, I will never hear from MfW ever again. And that's a good thing.

Random post of nothing in particular.

While going through a couple of pictures on Facebook earlier, I noticed that DSC had reactivated her account.

I deleted her account from my friends list ages ago when we were still seeing each other because she was adamant that she would never rejoin, but I saw some picture where she was tagged or had commented in the past with a new profile picture etc.

I haven't heard from her again since the start of July and I was never in touch by myself... more to apathy than actual dislike. I just couldn't be bothered with all the drama any more.

Being busy.

Yesterday was busy-ish. I did some housework, keeping the place clean and tidy (that's a lot easier since MfW moved out). Then I took KfW2 out for lunch where we spent an enjoyable few hours just chatting about nothing in particular. I returned home, late in the after noon and chilled out for a few hours before I had a night out with S. We tried to get GM out but he had already made plans. It promised a lot, but delivered very little and while the night itself was fun and it was good to catch up with S, I felt it was a little flat.

That was partly due to the fact that I was extremely tired for some reason and also not feeling 100% - a slightly dodgy stomach. Still, after having a few drinks at mine, we managed to hit a couple of bars for a few hours and have some fun.

I called a close to the night quite early - about 12:30 AM - and we returned to mine while S tried to call a cab. I was absolutely shattered by this stage, though the stomach had started feeling normal again.

I'm feeling better now, physically, but I am still extremely tired. Definitely an early night for me, I think.

A quick update/report.

As mentioned before, I've been documenting my fitness programme elsewhere mainly because it has tools to help me out other than a rudimentary blog. It's been about 20 weeks since I started this regime properly, but I've not touched it in the past 8 weeks. July was a very busy, social month and August has been a month of upheaval and injury.

I woke about three weeks ago with a double pain in my back - one at the base of the spine and one about half way up. This ruled out any of the exercising that I've been doing and while that severe pain only lasted about a week, my back hasn't felt "right" since then until yesterday.

So, as tomorrow ushers in the start of the 21st week of the fitness regime, and with all upheaval finally sorted and my back feeling as if it's back to normal, it's time to get started again.

I've lost 8 lbs in weight which is good going given my past 8 weeks and I've managed to maintain the weight, but I have 2 lbs to go to hit my first target that I had hoped to have done by the end of June, then I can look forward to the next target.

There's also CH's offer of running before work to consider. I like the idea in theory, but I know how much I hate running. Also, in a few weeks, KfW2 leaves work, so I'm planning on getting back into playing sports again.

In apropos of nothing...

I've just remembered a story that E's younger sister once told me when I first moved into this place. I had posted a few pictures onto Facebook of the view and she had messaged me to find out where it is...

Except, she already knew were it was, even down to the house number.

She told me that she used to date a professional sportsman who had been the previous tenant and then said...

"If you've taken the first bedroom on the right down the hall, then I've had sex there."

I think she expected to shock me, so she was surprised when I said back:

"Not my room. And as long as you haven't screwed in the living room or bathroom, then we're good!"

However, with MfW vacating the premises, I have now taken over the room in question. I wonder if I should message her and tell her that we've shared a bed, albeit about five years apart?

Talking.

I managed to grab a quick chat with CH earlier and she explained that nothing was wrong and she was simply drunk. Personally, I believe the former, but there was still a tone in her messages where she seemed as if she was trying to say something or provoke something.

I was explaining the weird tone of CH's texts to KfW2. Well, some if it - the emotion and gratitude for what are, to me, everyday behaviour. KfW2 knows nothing of the flirting, touching etc.

The led on to another conversation with KfW2, namely that of me and my ability to handle touchy, emotional subjects. KfW2 essentially admitted that she probably doesn't open to me as much as she would like because I get uncomfortable and can clam up at times.

I've no doubt that there's an element of that - my family weren't particularly open and I've been essentially single my entire life, having only had a few relationships that got beyond the initial "dating" phase, allowing us to open up to each other. It's not something I've had to do an awful lot, so I don't know what to do/say when it happens.

At this stage, it's probably more habit than anything else. I'm simply not used to having those chats, and that probably true of me talking to other people. There's also an element that if I don't notice something, I'd hope the other person would still talk to me, though I know that's hypocritical given my inability to do the same. Plenty of conversations in the past have gone unsaid with QC2 and KfW2 simply because I don't know how to bring them up in conversation.

KfW2 says it's simply who I am, but I know that she's had conversations with me that she's regretted afterwards simply because she saw that I was uncomfortable.

I hope I put her right when I said that I didn't disagree with anything she had said. In the past I have been uncomfortable when some topics are brought up, but ultimately she's my friend and I care for her very much and that I'd far rather be uncomfortable and know what's going on, than comfortable and clueless.

She liked that.

PMA.

Another night of no sleep; a combination of next door having one of their late nights and demons in my head trying to sort out the whole house thing. I'm now here on my own, MfW left yesterday at some point when I was at my sister's house. The paperwork for the two new guys is being created, so I don't envisage them being in until the end of this week... assuming they pass the credit checks. If they don't, well, that's why I've had no sleep recently.

The landlord may be flexible, but it's almost impossible to get someone credit checked and have a lease signed in four days, especially when one of those days is a Sunday and the letting agents have a history of being, quite frankly, useless. So, until the new guys are in, settled and I know the landlord isn't going to be chasing me for the outstanding rent, there's going to be an element of concern.

I'm liking the new room though. It's brighter, quieter, slightly more space and has an en-suite. I'm still figuring out where to put everything, though. There seems to be less storage space even though the room is bigger, but maybe that means I need to de-clutter a little bit.

However, to counter the negativity, I have things to look forward to: a few drinks with QC2, a lunch date with KfW2, possibly meeting M and MM to drop off a christening present (and I've been told by MM that I MUST get M out for drinks).

There's another work thing in a couple of week (unlikely that CH will be out) and a trip to London with FP.

So, it's a case of PMA.

Weekend digest.

The house thing is coming to a close. MfW should move out finally today - 90% of his stuff has gone and the only things that remain are the furniture items really. It's just a matter of when his parents come to pick up his stuff. Knowing him, it won't be until late afternoon, so I'll probably not get a chance to move my own stuff today. FNG is effectively gone. Today is the last day of him being here, but his stuff is gone and he's at a wedding this weekend.

Friday's night's work thing was a big success. CH did turn up, albeit for only a few hours, but we managed to cram an awful lot of laughter into that time. CH's tactile mood was back and there was lots of touching, though nothing like before with the lingering touches and fleeting sweeps across my ass, but she moved in closer, pretending to be cold (at least this is my assumption... she didn't feel cold). There were three kisses - one on the cheek and two on the lips. The latter two lasted just a little longer than a platonic peck on the lips should, in my opinion, but probably nothing that would draw attention from anyone else... and they were all in full view of everyone.

We continued to text after she left and when I was reading through them against yesterday, there was a tone to them that I hadn't noticed before. She was being a lot more earnest than usual, being overly grateful for small acts of friendship, for example, and perhaps a touch of something darker - a touch of melancholia. She also mentioned that our friendship surprised her, how much she trusted me was a surprise to her. It was touching, but there was something in the tone I couldn't put my finger on.

There are other things happening, or potentially happening, that make me believe that our friendship will fizzle out soon, but the next time I get to talk to her, I plan on bringing up the texts. I am concerned at the tone.

Out of the blue.

After a month or so of silence on her part and a couple of unanswered messages on mine, QC2 sent a message on Facebook last night, apologetic for her lack of contact and promising to meet soon... except she's going away for a few days, so it might be next week instead.

I left the ball in her court. I'm sure we'll meet... it's just a matter of when that's going to be. I haven't seen her in over a year... since before my holiday in July last year, I think.

I'd like to meet up, obviously. Apart from anything else, we've always had a bit of chemistry and we used to be part of a small group that socialised together. The night she ended up hooking up initially with her now long-term partner was the same night that I started my brief thing with FBS. We've never sat down and discussed it, but she knows exactly what went on that night... and that it led to the rest of it coming out eventually over many conversations.

With the FBS thing (and others - K, for example), I've been accused of embarrassment or secrecy, but it's simply that I saw it as a casual thing that was no-one else's business. If I don't see a long-term future in it, I don't see the need to tell everyone about it. I recently said something similar to KfW2.

D and some of that crowd knew about me and FBS but never admitted it for a while. A mutual friend of ours later mentioned that there was a bet between him and FBS about whether we would screw. I can't remember who bet what.

K was a little different seeing as she was from out of town, but she confessed all to F and F spent months in conversations with me, waiting for me to trip up and admit some little detail that she could use to accuse and laugh at.

I guess the point that we kinda veered off into there was that I am not a kiss and tell kinda person. Even over the course of this blog, things have happened that I knew had no future and most of them are never recorded, and some get the airtime simply because they're relevant and/or interesting.

Back to the matter at hand... hopefully QC2 gets in touch next week and we can meet up.