Happy New Year

I had hoped that 2021 would be a much better year than 2020, what with Covid, lockdowns, working from home etc.

And I have to say that it wasn't. Ongoing Covid restrictions, along with some personal and professional matters have actually made 2021 much worse than 2020.

So this time, fingers crossed, that 2022 will be better. It's going to get off to a good start, professionally speaking, but we'll have to see how the other things are going to pan out - personal, home, fitness, health, mental health... it's all up for grabs. I don't really have the energy to make resolutions/plans at the moment, but let's see how the next few weeks unfold.

But saying that, Happy New Year. I hope your 2022 is successful, fruitful and happy.

Pondering

I watched the Jason Statham action film earlier, The Wrath of Man, and saw Niamh Algar. She reminds me of someone. Another celebrity? Someone I know? I can't remember.

Happy Briethday (not a typo).

It's the lovely Alison Brie's birthday today. So, yeah, have some nice pictures.

Party time.

I often think of FBS at this time of year. Usually we've had one of our (semi) annual nights out, which is a Christmas affair, so she's on my mind. And, of course, there was my last post with the craving of some companionship.

But it was around this time of year, many years ago, where things between FBS and I got physical. While it started a month or so earlier with a mis-step on my part around sharing a sofa with FBS, it really got moving after a Christmas party hosted by D. I wasn't even meant to attend. My favourite local band were playing at the same pub where R2 worked, with FP and BW and I was planning on that. 

Except I got drunk during the afternoon, fell asleep at home and woke at 11 PM, It was too late to hit the bar, so I went to D's party instead. (As an aside, when I showed up to the party, FP and BW were there. They had arrived late to the gig, couldn't get in, tried to leverage my friendship with R2 and she refused, so they bailed out to D's party).

While nothing happened at the party, I did get a notion that she was considering something (and I learned after the fact that D was talking her into it). 

FBS called me a few days after Christmas. She had an emergency and, for some reason, thought I'd be able to help. While I wasn't able to fix the problem, I was able to help a little and point her in the right direction. We then sat and had a few drinks, smoked some cigarettes and chatted. This was the first night that I remember we kissed, on her sofa.

AM suggested I invite FBS along to our NYE celebrations. I can't remember why. I don't remember sharing with AM that anything was going on with FBS. But for some reason, I did invite FBS along, to a party, that was out of town and 75 miles away. What could go wrong? What was I thinking? 

She did seem to have a good time, though. Once the party started to die down and people started leaving or disappearing off to the room that had been set aside for people to crash. FBS and I ended up making out on AM's sofa (I was due to sleep there), once everyone had gone, and this time, it got a lot more handsy.

It was a few days later again, into the New Year, when we first slept together, but when the loneliness sets in around this time of year, I remember back on this series of events quite fondly.

I think I've posted before about this, but by my reckoning, I've had more success over the Christmas and New Year period with meeting new people than at any other time of the year.

Holding me, holding you... AHA!

For the past while, I've woken up thinking about FA2 or FBS. There's a craving there, a desire to have someone beside me when I wake up. I think it ties into the loneliness - it's been a tough year, and it would have been helpful to have had someone to go through it with me. 

There's another element, which I think is what I'm currently feeling each morning, to just have a warm body beside me, to cuddle and chat, especially now that I am on holiday for the Xmas period. A lie-in, but with more. 

It's not about sex, though that's undoubtedly something else that I'm missing, but I have had days in the past with both FA2 and FBS where we lay in bed until nearly lunchtime (or longer), just chatting and cuddling. That's why they've been in my thoughts when I wake up this past while, I think. 

And here we go.

Our Sunday afternoon dinner and drinks has been postponed. It was a group decision driven by the most recent variant of Covid rather than anything else (KfW2 popped into the group chat and said she couldn't attend).

I was hoping that I'd get out for a few drinks with The Crowd before Xmas, but again, it's looking more like the sensible thing to do will be to keep myself to myself as much as possible so that I can do my usual family thing on Christmas and Boxing Day.

It's a little disappointing. I'm off work for nearly three whole weeks - my longest single break since about 2008, but I'll likely not be able to see anyone.

Post Xmas plans haven't really been made barring a tentative family thing with some cousins, but Omicron will likely scupper a lot of socialising until the end of January, I think.

Quick update.

I've been in touch with KfW2 almost constantly since Friday evening. She's been in hospital multiple times. At the moment, the best theory seems to be that it's a mental health issue (grief, anxiety, exhaustion amongst others) though the symptoms are something that no-one's ever seen before. They've done several tests and at least seem to have ruled out anything physical/serious.

There's still a lot she can't remember, though it's difficult to say if that's alcohol related or due to the breakdown itself.

She even called round a few days ago to pick up some things that were left behind on Friday. Her physical tics are gone, but the verbal one remains. She is a lot calmer though, which is good to see, and even laughing about it, though that seems a bit early in my opinion given there's still no real, clear diagnosis.

She was due to be coming out with us for dinner and drinks on Sunday, but I'm sure that'll be cancelled, for the best probably.

Got back?

So, regular readers of this blog will know that I like a woman in boots. I also like Anna Kendrick, so this picture from Pitch Perfect is right up my street. Thigh-high boots? Short skirt? Attractive woman?

And that picture led me to a promo pic for the same film with the same actress. Thigh-high boots? Short dress? Backless? Hubba, hubba!

Shattered.

KfW2 phoned and asked me to book a taxi. I was happy enough doing that. I told her to keep her phone close and I'd keep her informed. And a few minutes later the taxi was on its way. I sent KfW2 an ETA and the car details, and that was it, or so I thought.

About five minutes later the taxi driver calls me.

"Where are you?"

"It's not me you're picking up, it's my friend." I described her outfit.

Another call came through. KfW2.

"The taxi's not here. Where is it?"

I explained where the taxi was.

"What are the details?"

"I texted them to you five minutes ago - it's a white car..."

What seemed like an eternity later, she had spotted the cab and got in. I hung up and went back to entertaining the kids. This is when KfW2 can be frustrating, it was as if she expected me to "fix" the missing taxi issue despite being miles away and on the end of a phone.

Fifteen minutes later and there was no sign of her. It's roughly ten minutes from the pub to my house via car. The phone went. It was KfW2 again.

"I've lost my purse, can you do me a favour and pay for the taxi?" She was in tears and sounded quite distressed, which is unlike her.

"Yeah, that's not a problem."

"Thank you so much!"

Another ten minute later, the taxi pulled up. As KfW2 got out of the back of it, I chatted to the taxi driver.

"What's the fare?"

"£16, but I'll take £15." He explained about the purse, that KfW2 was not in great shape and that she had asked to go back to see if they could find it. It later transpired that one of her co-workers had it, so all good there. 

I handed a twenty over.

"Keep the change."

As the taxi drove off, KfW2 walked towards me and then, with no warning whatsoever, had a full-on mental breakdown right in front of me. I want to clarify here that this wasn't KfW2 shedding some drunk tears or a drunken rant about something illogical, this was immediately, and obviously, something a lot more serious than that.

She calmed down a little and I ushered her inside, into the kitchen. Over the next hour or so, she careered from lucid to panic attacks to having weird verbal/vocal tics. There was literally nothing I could do apart from try to calm her down, which I did by giving hugs and just talking quietly to her when she was manic. Her husband turned up around this time (I had called him and given him a head's up) and we tried to get KfW2 through another few episodes, though the panic attacks diminished, the verbal and physical tics remained.

KfW2 and her family left my house at 11PM to go to A&E. The out-of-hours doctor had suggested maybe a drink had been spiked, but I didn't feel this was the case.

I texted KfW2 earlier. They couldn't find anything wrong in her blood tests, she explained and they did no other testing, and sent her home at 3AM. When I texted earlier, she was back in A&E having had further panic attacks and a recurrence of the tics.

I'm presuming that this is a mental health issue. That was my assumption last night, and I maintain that theory now. She's had a bad time of it recently. I know work has been bothering her and there have been family issues too, to deal with. The purse thing was just the straw that broke the camel's back, I think.

I don't really want to go into further details and I feel I've already said too much. I'm not actually even sure that I'll hit the publish button on this one, but let's see how the next day or so pans out.

*This was originally written on Saturday evening, but I decided not to publish it at the time. I might still revert it to a draft as it's not sitting right with me that this information is out there, even if it is somewhat anonymous.

Just random nothingness

Nothing really to say... the delectable Alison Brie, but wearing some kind of backless outfit. Mmmmm...

In and out.

The nights out with S, GM etc. never happened. S had made alternative plans for the Friday, and GM messaged me, last minute, to say that last night's plans were cancelled due to S's "platonic" friend feeling ill.

I was glad. I was exhausted, but had planned to go out for an hour, but no more. Covid, in my hometown, has decimated the taxi companies, plus it's the Xmas season, so getting a taxi at kicking out time is a complete lottery, even if you have booked hours in advance. Plus, I don't know if it's extended Covid isolation, but it's becoming increasingly more difficult to motivate myself to leave the house these days.

GM and I swapped a few more messages. We've both got extended time off over Xmas, so we'll definitely get to see each other for a social drink, if nothing else.

Dreams.

Another dream last night, I was on a school trip somewhere nice and sunny and warm with unidentified friends. It was somewhere like Hawaii. We were off out on a day trip and a car pulled up with one of my friends driving. A vintage convertible of some kind.

Who was sitting in the back? CAB, covered in a blanket. My friend who was driving was oblivious to her presence. She asked me to sit in the back with her where she revealed that she was naked under the blanket and asked me to have sex with her.

The rest of the dream followed that pattern - we'd be travelling somewhere, CAB would be present and ask me to have sex with her.

Suffice to say, there was a lot of frustration this morning.

Hello again.

I had a dream last night that featured KfW2. I don't remember the wider details, but in it, KfW2 and I were close, but in a series of steps over a short period of time, she became more and more distant both emotionally and geographically.

So we started the morning sharing breakfast and confiding in each other and by the end of the day, she had emigrated to the other side of the planet and wasn't answering my messages.

Weird, but also semi-reflective of real life. I have, on this blog, often posted about how I don't see KfW2 any more. Since she changed jobs a few years ago, our interaction has grown increasingly less frequent. She'll contact me in work about work-related things. Outside of work, we'll swap texts, but we've seen each other face-to-face this year probably about three times. It's been years since we went out for a few drinks.

And I miss her. I've told her so directly.

And in a case of coincidence and/or timing, guess who WhatsApped me earlier and asked me to babysit for her this week?

Musings

A familiar face on Tinder today - S's girlfriend. Or, rather, what is now I presume, S's ex-girlfriend. It seems to be that time of year. They got together initially at this time of year and I think they've had breaks/short breakups as well around the holiday period.

We're due out next week, with S's platonic friend who he's secretly in love with. Always a good night out, that.

Good news!

Following on from yesterday's chat with Nerdy Girl, it looks like I won't need the backup option and I may have something sorted in my current workplace.

So, the current stress I feel will go away to be replaced by a different stress, but hopefully more manageable. It means that at least the start of 2022 will be very busy, as I adapt to new things and people.

There is an element of luck to getting this new role, but that was offset by the bad luck of needing a new job in the first place, when I'd spent probably two years creating a new role for myself and others.

However, that's for the New Year. Now, I can relax, take the last of my annual leave (I only have six working days left this year once I hit the end of this week) and chill out.

Oh, and CC didn't show up last night. I'm unavailable tonight, so I'm pretty sure she'll show up around 6 PM.

Distraction

Nerdy Girl rang. That's new. All of our conversation has been by text message, not even WhatsApp, but good, old-fashioned text message. She went off on a rant about people she's been interviewing.

"They're all useless. Come and work with me!"

I fobbed her off. It's nice to have in my back pocket, and it's probably a 30% pay rise, but judging from what she, and another friend, say about the working practices, I'm not sure it's a good fit for me, but nice to have as a fall back.

We ended up chatting for about half an hour, which was great. I kinda needed the distraction.

CC is meant to be coming round tonight. How long will it take before I lose me temper?

happy/sad.

Some might say it was classic KfW2. She pulled up in front of my house at about 4:15PM. It was 4:35 by the time she knocked on the front door, because she was on the phone. Then her daughter needed collecting earlier than she had anticipated. We managed a quick cup of tea, a quick discussion about our various work-related woes and then she had to run off, roughly half an hour later.

During the conversation, she apologised a few times for being blunt, but there was no need to apologise in my opinion. She was offering advice and feedback that I'd not considered by myself and that my own manager probably should have given a while back. I guess that's the benefit of getting that advice from someone who probably knows me better than anyone else. And I am fully aware that there are times I do need that bluntness, that verbal kick up the ass, and I said as much to KfW2.

I loved the brief time that we had chatting, and was disappointed that she left so soon after arriving - we chatted for maybe 20 minutes.

However, the thing is with KfW2, and I think I've said this before, that while her advice and feedback is always welcome, sometimes there is an element of a preachy ex-smoker vibe to it. Case in point - she's nearly as bad at job interviews as I am. But a few years ago she went for a job and didn't get it. Then a few days later, she got a call from the same manager who offered her a slightly different job. Since then, she's gotten a few promotions and job changes, though she was pretty much handed them.

To hear her talk, you'd think that she battled the odds to get to where she's gotten, ignoring the massive element of luck that set her along that path. Alongside that, she's been hand-selected for promotions partly off the back her work. Fair play to her for making the most of the initial opportunity, but a lot of what she's brought to her new job was created in her old role, my current team. So she's standing on the shoulders of giants. She's often been critical of the favouritism shown towards Stalky Guy, but doesn't admit or see the same thing happening to her.

I'm not saying she's bad at her job. I honestly don't know exactly what she's done since she made the initial change a little over three years ago, but she was excellent at her job while she was on my team.

I'll admit it. I am hugely jealous of the recognition and luck that she's gotten, mainly because a lot of what she's been recognised for has been my work, my ideas, my innovation, that she's carried into her new team. It annoys me that I can't buy recognition in my own team for the same work. If I didn't have massive anxiety issues, I'd have gone elsewhere a long time ago, but it's these anxiety issues that are a real problem at the moment. 

The attractive blonde HR girl, who I was talking to on Monday, pointed me towards some help, perhaps even some kind of counselling, depending on what the initial assessment turns up. And I'm pretty sure it'll turn something up - I am a broken man in more ways than one, and probably have been a lot longer than I care to admit.

Getting back to KfW2's advice, she's suggesting that some practice will help, some public speaking training will help, but I'm not sure that these are the things I need to address. I feel that there's something more ingrained that's causing the anxiety - the anxiety itself is a symptom, not the cause, if that makes sense.

But it was great seeing her again, for only like the third time this year. Hopefully we can squeeze another couple of meetings in before Xmas. Bittersweet because it made me realise how much I value her friendship and how much I miss her.

Weather talk.

I didn't get to see KfW2 yesterday. As predicted, the combination of horrendous weather and Black Friday sales meant that taxis were like gold dust. What would have been a ten minute journey by car is an eighty minute walk, all uphill. So by the time I realised I wasn't getting a cab, it was far too late to even consider walking.

I sent KfW2 a message yesterday evening, apologising for my absence. I don't know if she noticed or not at the time, but I still recall that other incident years ago, so I wanted her to know I tried and that she was in my thoughts.

KfW2 called earlier and we chatted for about half an hour. It was nice talking to her, even given the circumstances, and she suggested that she might call in if she gets some spare time this afternoon. It would be GREAT to see her.

During the call, she mentioned that CC had shown up. I had asked CC at the start of the week if she was going and she said the she knew nothing about it plus she couldn't make it anyway. I'm angry at CC for not getting in touch to ask if I wanted a lift (I'm literally seconds out of her way, so it's not a massive inconvenience), especially when I told CC that I wanted to be there for KfW2 yesterday.

The taxi situation also meant that I never made it out to see Quiet Girl and some other people. Nerdy Girl was out and about as well, so I could have called in to see her. But I didn't fancy hanging around in rain and gale force winds waiting for a taxi that might show up at the end of the night.

Down.

I might see KfW2 today, but not under great circumstances. I'm pessimistic. In order to do that, I'll need a taxi, and the weather here is awful, which usually means taxis are busy. But I kinda feel that I need to do this thing (sorry for being vague but I don't want to go into details) as I feel that I let her down over something similar about ten years ago and don't want to repeat the mistake. We've barely spoken this year, we've seen each other, in person, twice, I think.

It's near FP's house, so I could potentially call in and see him after KfW2.

KfW2 appeared in a dream last night, as did FA2. I don't remember a lot about the FA2 appearance beyond we were sharing a bed, naked, with lots of cuddling. The KfW2 aspect is clearer in my memory - she had emigrated to somewhere foreign and far away - Australia or New Zealand.  After she's left, people kept turning up to my house, looking for her and money she owed them. And more people and more people. And then it transpired that she could never come home due to these debts, and that made me sad.

So, yeah, multiple KfW2 reasons that I woke this morning feeling a little down, with KfW2 in mind.

Sigh.

I was scrolling through some recent WhatsApp messages from KfW2. I wanted to see the last time we spoke. It's about a month ago. 

We had swapped a few text messages before she called me. One of the messages said:

"Sorry I've been such a bad friend recently. I'm struggling to fit everything in"

I feel bad. I don't remember that registering at the time nor did I remember it until I went through the messages.

I feel similarly. I know I've been very withdrawn this year, I've barely seen anyone outside of my family in months - CC, Nerdy Girl and FP are probably the only exceptions. And it's mostly been on purpose.

I need to make some time to see KfW2. I think she might need something like this - even if it's just a lunch. I have a horrible feeling that she's been struggling recently and I've been oblivious. I've been a bad friend.

I called KfW2 few nights ago. She has a lot of stuff on her mind at the moment. Once this weekend goes, I'll try and do something with her.

Just musing.

I know that, over the years, I've often described CC from a physical standpoint. I can never be sure if I'm being accurate and also, being more of a visual person, I try to make comparisons with other people. In the case of this blog, I try to compare to celebrities, so CH gets compared to 2013-ish Alison Brie, KfW2 to Morena Baccarin etc.

Facially, I'm still yet to figure out who CC might look like, if anyone, but body-wise, inspiration struck at the weekend when watching a few episodes of Brooklyn 99. I'm surprised it took so long... the character Rosa Diaz could have been modelled on CC herself, right down to dress sense. Facially they are nowhere near similar, but CC's choice of clothes (when not in her yoga pants attire) is dark jeans, baggy tops, leather jackets and ankle boots.

Eye candy.

Years ago, I shared a photo with USHW of a work event that I had attended. In it were a brunette girl and a blonde girl, both very attractive. I can't remember why I shared the photo. I was probably showing USHW one of my work crushes.

You'll probably be unsurprised to hear that the brunette in question was KfW2, and she hasn't really changed in the fourteen years since the photo was taken. The blonde has changed, and for the better, in my opinion.

While I would never say that the blonde and I were friends, we were on nodding and "hello" terms. I recall a moment a few years ago where I was queueing for a local comedy night and the blonde walked past and saw me.

"Ruuude!" she exclaimed, a big smile on her face.

"Blondie" I replied.

She walked on, that was the extent of our exchange.

My companion, I'm pretty sure it was E, was terribly excited and demanded to know if she was someone I could date.

Why the somewhat random topic? Well, I'm just off a video call with the blonde. Nice. It brightened my day! Well... a little. I didn't get exactly the news that I wanted to hear, but I did get some support, which is a start.

Just commenting.

Facebook has reminded me of a work night out, nine years ago, where CH had been her tactile self. There were, if I recall correctly, a few kisses. There was a few instances of sliding her hand down my back and resting it on my ass and, when sitting together, having her hand on my thigh.

So, this isn't actually a "I miss CH" post, though that is undoubtedly true to an extent.

It's more of a comment that CH, even married, was the last time I can recall there being mutual chemistry with someone else, even if it was unlikely to be acted upon. Yes, I was attracted to CB, but she didn't know I existed. I know that Ideas Girl was interested in me, but that was also one-way traffic.

And it's a reminder of my isolation and loneliness.

Talk.

I had a meeting today that I've been waiting to happen for over two months and it lasted about ten minutes before I panicked and backed out. I've been telling people for weeks, if not months, that this was likely. There have been recent, if more minor, examples in other meetings too.

And then I spent the rest of the afternoon angry and frustrated at myself, stressed and anxious (I've been feeling the latter two emotions almost constantly for the past few weeks) and kinda lonely and unheard.

It's something that I've been considering posting about over the past year or so with the plethora of mental health posts on social media and the corresponding lack of recognition in the real world. In trying to share my anxiety issues with others, I don't feel that people want to know or play down what I'm trying to tell them.

I tried to explain this to one of our HR reps a few days ago. His response to an admission that I've been stressed and anxious and barely sleeping for nearly three weeks due to upcoming meetings? Go for a walk prior to the meeting. 

USHW has often accused me of underselling myself when trying to talk to, for example, KfW2. However, this time, there could not have been any ambiguity. And it's something I've noticed around people in general. For all the talk on social media, people still don't recognise the symptoms when presented directly with them.

There may be fallout from today's incident, but right now, I'm just mentally exhausted. The anxiety and stress has diminished a fair bit as it was all focussed on today's lunchtime meeting, so there may be some proper sleep tonight for the first time in weeks.

Sigh.

Facebook reminded me today that it's five years since Sports Girl explicitly said that she liked me. I was horrifically drunk, but I am still pretty sure that it was meant in a non-platonic way. Circumstances at the time meant that, even if I had spotted this and been in a position to make something happen, I couldn't.

And as it would eventually transpire, maybe that was a good thing, given how utterly bonkers she turned out to be when she and GM eventually split up.

She might be stunningly attractive (and on this night, she was dressed in a Wonder Woman costume that accentuated her figure), but that doesn't excuse horrible bad behaviour. I did spend a nice few minutes going through the photos from that night though.

Just stuff

Nerdy Girl suggested that we forego our usual walk in favour of something indoors. Pool, maybe? The weather hasn't been great, so it's been a while since we saw each other. Actually, as I had admitted to CC in a phone call yesterday, I've been very withdrawn over the past while. It would be nice to actually get out and do something.

I can't remember the last time I played pool. The memory I have is with CC and KfW2, but I know that I've must have played more recently with GM or Sports Girl.

Regardless, it was a good night out - some pool, some food, adjourn to a quiet bar to chat and have a couple of drinks and back home early. Nerdy Girl did admit some things to me (KfW2 had asked me questions around the topic before, but I had no definitive answer), but just getting out to chat to a non-family member was refreshing. I also shared my experience/frustrations of the CB near miss (specifically seeing her on Match, messaging, getting no reply, then seeing her in person and not knowing if I could approach her) and not getting a read on V.

I slept really late this morning - it was nearly 10 AM by the time I woke up, but I have today and Monday off to recharge a little. I probably won't, though. The stressful things haven't been fixed and the timeline I have is growing closer, so I have work to do to try and address that where I can. There is a glimmer that things might not be as bad as I fear, but I won't know for sure for a while.

Ooh!

Night out with Quiet Girl in about a month's time?

Yes please!

Other people will be in attendance though.

Sigh.

With a few nights of really poor sleep due to stress and anxiety, I thought that I'd get a good night's sleep last night. I was mentally and physically exhausted. But no. Another night of broken sleep, and I'm knackered this morning.

I did have a really vivid dream last night. I can't remember the specifics, but it involved my parents, stunning celebrity Morena Baccarin and the Death Star out of Star Wars.

While I don't remember the details of the dream, I did wake up feeling awfully lonely.

And to cheer me up, here's a picture of Morena Baccarin:

Fond memories.

I was re-reading an email conversation that USHW and I had a good few years ago and I had explained to her how CAB and I had met. It provoked some pleasant memories, so I thought I'd share. I think I've mentioned a little of how we'd met, but here's the story in more detail:

I was out with BW and another friends of ours, watching one of my favourite local bands. This would have been somewhere around the start of March or end of February. BW met a female friend of his, and CAB was her friend. At the end of the night we all disappeared off to get a taxi. CAB mentioned that her friend had a crush on BW, so the two of us made ourselves scarce to see if anything would happen. I had a slight inkling that CAB might have had her own ideas, but I didn't see any obvious signs. Eventually we got a taxi and as I dropped CAB off, there was a brief kiss, that she initiated.

Back in the day, a group of us always used to go out for a Sunday night drink to close out the weekend, and this was no different... except BW brought CAB's friend out (though nothing had happened between them the previous night). BW and the mutual friend were teasing me about CAB and I mentioned that she was nice and I'd be interested in seeing her again. The friend disappeared for 5 mins and half an hour later we were sitting in CAB's house drinking tea. Between the four of us, we arranged to go out on Monday for drinks. CAB recommended a pub out of town and off we went. In the pub, we were left alone, so I asked CAB for a lunch date. She said yes.

We did lunch on the Wednesday, both of us had a good time but I was due to be going to France on the Sat morning for ten days to visit AM and QC1 and CAB was busy until the weekend, so we agreed to meet again when I came back. 

I was all packed and ready for a quiet night on the Friday when CAB called. Apparently her plans for that night had fallen through, did I fancy a few drinks? (To this day, I don't think they did fall through and she cancelled them herself).

Anyway, we went to the pub and had a great time. She said that her friend was out trying to find BW that night. I knew that BW was out with BR and that everyone would likely go back to BR's house for afterparty/somewhere to order a taxi, so CAB and I walked there, stopping every now and again for some kissing. We got there before anyone else was and stood on the doorstep having a bit of a snog. As luck would have it, Friction Guy's girlfriend lived a few doors down from BR and they were walking past and invited us in for a drink.

An hour or so later, we left and went to BR's. BW was there but CAB's friend had already gone home (BW had hooked up with an ex that night). I tried calling it a night, but CAB dragged me into a dark corner and we made out for a while. I eventually got home about 4AM, to be up at 6AM to go to the airport.

I admitted to AM and QC1 about CAB while I was visiting and they quizzed me heavily. Yes, she was cute. I thought she was nice. I saw it going somewhere, but it was too early to tell, I seem to recall telling the girls.

Nearly as soon as I was in the house when I returned, CAB phoned and arranged to meet. I was due to meet BR, BW and others, but agreed to meet for a drink first. She was very insistent on that. It turned out that while I was away, she had kissed one of her male (and supposedly platonic) friends. BW and our friend from the first night witnessed this, so she wanted to tell me before anyone else had a chance. 

I was ambivalent. I explained that we'd had one date and knew each other for a week, it's not like we were official or exclusive. She seemed happy with that and we pretty much the started dating from then.

It ended a few months later, again I'm struggling with the actual dates, but probably early June. We dated for just short of three months. I probably jumped the gun as it had an extra few months in it, at best, because she was leaving for studies in another city at the end of the summer and I wasn't ready for long distance.

She did spend a few weeks trying to reconnect, but I was too stubborn to give in.

Gah!

Something that has been hammered home to me over the past few years in work is communication. If in doubt, over-communicate, they say. "They" being several managers.

It's not a concept that I necessarily agree with. If everyone over-communicates, then it becomes more likely that something important gets missed in a deluge of unimportant emails and IMs.

Regardless... there's something happening in work that's been ongoing since the start of September. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo until it's resolved, and yet communication around it has been awful. I've had to chase up information on several occasions. the information has been contradictory, often incomplete and patchy.

If this had been me, my boss would have been giving me a good telling off, and rightly so.

The whole thing has me stressed out. I'm also angry and frustrated - it's the limbo thing. I feel like there are things I can't do until this is resolved.

Oh.

I posted a few weeks ago about how I'd been waking each morning with FA2, then CAB on my mind, for seemingly no reason.

This morning, it was my first big crush from school. She's been mentioned a few times before. I think I called her SJ. I've no idea why she was on my mind and in a sexual way. I'd never thought about her that way before, and I rarely think about her in general.

It's only really when FP and I are reminiscing that she comes to mind. I think FP shares my opinion that she's one of the few people from school that we'd like to reconnect with, that we don't already.

Just stuff.

When I first met USHW, years ago, she returned a book that I had loaned her. It was "The Intimate Adventures of a London Call Girl", by Brooke Magnanti (known at the time as Belle de Jour). I'd read (and loved) the blog. I read further works of hers. She even added me as a "friend" on Facebook due to USHW sending her a message explaining how I was a fan.

Even my sister was a fan due to my influence and we were both very interested in what was going to happen when she outed herself and when Billie Piper was due to star in an adaption of the blog/book for television.

As part of the lead-up to the TV series, Billie and Brooke met, and chatted. There's a picture below, though the written piece that accompanies it is long gone, or at least I can't remember where I first saw it.

When I'm feeling a little down, in a funk or lonely, I surf the internet, spending money I don't have. Is it expensive gadgets? Nice restaurants? Posh hotels to spend a few days? All of that! So, imagine my surprise when a picture appeared in a London hotel that reminded me of the picture above.

It couldn't be the same place, could it?

I think it is, you know!

It's well out of my budget, but that's the point of these little online window shopping scenarios - it's very definitely "lottery win" territory.

Sigh.

As one of my Facebook memories for today, I had posted a picture of a beer. I used to have a habit of doing this, especially if I was out in the middle of the week. The photo, and comment, makes no mention of who I might have been out with.

However, the comments under the photo are more revealing. QC2 asked if it was with someone fabulous. And it appeared that it was... QC2 herself!

It's been too long since I spoke to QC2, and the last time was a text message after she butt dialled me, the morning after I moved into my new house.

It feels weird reaching out after eight plus years of silence, but I do miss her.

Blast from the past.

Years ago, there was a programme on TV called Northern Exposure. I have memories of watching it with female company, though I don't actually recall dating anyone around that time. I think I was too invested in my crush with the worldly-wise school friend at that time.

Anyway... I do recall having a real crush on Janine Turner, one of the show's stars.

Ooops.

For the past few weeks, I have woken each morning (well, most mornings) with FA2 on my mind. I can't think why nor do I recall any dreams involving FA2 that might have her in my thoughts on waking.

Today was different. Today, it was CAB. Specifically, it was CAB, when we were on a date, and were told a football result. She supported one team, me, another. It was a draw. However, when I looked up the match earlier, it turns out that it took place a month before I think we ever met, so the memory is incorrect. Weird.

The feeling's disappointed. Really disappointed.

I went to see the new Bond film with FP yesterday. For spoiler-y reasons that I won't get into, I didn't like the film. I am a massive Bond fan, though, so certain things happen in this film that I can't get on board with.

One thing that I can get on board with is Ana De Armas' character, Paloma. Her brief appearance is a real highlight.

And not just because of the strappy dress (see above). In times when there is talk of a female James Bond, I was more engaged and interested in her character than Lashana Lynch's actual 007.

Just stuff.

Watched "Grosse Point Blank" earlier. I quite like John Cusack's movies. But I was quite taken with Minnie Driver. Facially, she kinda reminds me of SSCW, and her character in this film has real sass, just like SSCW.

Great soundtrack, too.

And I was 100% sure I'd posted a similar thought before, but I can't find it.

Super.

I had a dream last night where I had this power where I could heal people through direct physical contact, but the caveat was that there had to be an emotional connection. A handshake wouldn't cut it, but a meaningful kiss would, for example. Someone hugging me goodbye wouldn't activate the power, but someone giving me a hug in gratitude because I'd given them some emotional support would (with skin to skin contact, of course).

And so, the dream was that I had various encounters with people that included FP, QC2, KfW2 and CH. There was, of course, physical contact that would trigger my powers. Then days or weeks later, I'd meet them again and they'd be different. They'd look younger, healthier, happier and while they all knew that they were in better physical shape, none of them were able to trace it back to our hugs, kisses or whatever  direct physical contact there had been previously.

I woke up this morning kinda sad that I wasn't a secret superhero but also bemused that, in my dream, QC2 had six kids.

Another blast from the past.

Years ago, I was browsing Facebook when a photo of FA1 popped up on my feed. I wasn't stalking - FA1 and I are Facebook friends. She was at a formal with her husband. As part of the photo, there were two other people. One, I recognised as being one of FA1's friends. The other was an unknown but really cute female.

About six months later, the unknown friend started appearing on online dating sites and apps. I tried to engage with her but was unsuccessful. I don't know if she didn't read the messages (this would have been the unreliable Match.com) or simply wasn't interested.

Cut to a year or so again, and another appearance in FA1's pictures. The unknown girl had seemingly taken up weight lifting or something because she was super-toned in the photos. Super-toned and cute women is a BIG win in Ruuude's world.

She appeared to be single, but other than say to FA1 outright (and I'd not spoken to FA1 in years), I had no way of getting an introduction.

Like a similar scenario with CB, only less frustrating.

Well, guess who turned up in a comments thread on FA1's Facebook today? (Hint: not CB).

Phrasing.

A while ago, I pondered something with USHW. CH would send me a PM or comment on Facebook with a particular memory... usually a photo and she would use a phrase.

At the time, the phrase seemed weird. It was almost like there was a second meaning to it that I was missing. 

Yesterday, out of the blue, my brother-in-law used the same phrase with the same context. Admittedly, he and CH are from the same town, so maybe it's something common to that neck of the woods?

Woohoo!

A big change to report this week!

Today's figure is 227.2, a loss of almost 3.5 lbs. I'm really pleased with that. It's nice to see a "big" number rather than nickel and diming half a pound here and there that seems to have been the case, plus the Summer plateau as well. I know it's not sustainable, but it is a nice boost. Here's hoping that it continues to go down.

Random semi-drunken thoughts

I was reading a thread on Reddit where someone was asking if it was OK to ask their FwB if they'd slept with other people.

That conversation is just a distraction to this post, because I was pondering more around the definitions of things like "fuck buddy" or "friends with benefits" and a lot of people on Reddit seemed to have a different definition than I did.

There are, IMO, four types of physical relationship (maybe five if you want to count a one-night stand):

• FB
• FwB
• Dating
• Relationship

For me, a fuck buddy is someone you meet only for sex with zero expectations beyond that.

Friends with Benefits takes that a step further. Sex is still the primary factor, though, as the phrase suggests, there may be other things at play here - seeing each other socially, a friendship etc.

Dating is, of course, someone you're going on dates with, but it has not evolved/matured into a relationship. It may or may not get to that stage.

And finally, a full-on relationship. No need to expand on this any further.

Obviously this is just semi-random, semi-drunken, bored on a Saturday night pondering.

Big sigh.

KfW2 asked if I wanted to go for lunch with her on tomorrow. Well, not just her, but her and CC. I declined because my weekend is going to be somewhat frantic and reactive with family stuff, so I can't really commit to anything.

The reason, I assume, that she's out with CC is that it was CC's birthday a few days ago. So I am kinda annoyed that I've been trying to get her out for months without any real interest on her part, but she will go out to treat CC.

I feel guilty about being annoyed because she sent a sweet message last weekend making sure I was OK due to the above-mentioned family stuff. And then followed that up with a phone call.

While those are nice, I would still dearly love to get her out, on her own, for dinner and drinks and chat in anonymity. Long-time readers will know that I value time and actions over words.

So, I re-iterated my desire to get her out for dinner and drinks and promised that I would be in touch later this week to arrange something.

Dreamories.

I had two distinct dreams last night. In the first, I played professional football for Liverpool FC. My sister also had a job there as some kind of youth team co-ordinator. There wasn't much to recall specifically about this dream other than pass comment that it's not the first time I've had a dream where I played football for Liverpool FC.

Usually, in those dreams, it's about how my body is wracked with injury and I can never fulfil my potential. Last night's was different.

The other dream involved a girl I found attractive at school. I'm not even sure it was a crush. We were friendly but not friends. We had some classes together and sat beside/close to each other, so chatted.

Anyway, in this dream, there were a large group of us. For some reason, this girl wanted to have sex with me. Everyone knew it, so made themselves scarce and gave us some privacy. However, every now and again, we'd be interrupted by someone, then there'd be a period where we'd try to get these people to leave us alone before returning to what we were trying to accomplish. 

This repeated until I woke up, after there'd been a lot of foreplay but before there'd been any sex.

Suffice to say, there was some frustration this morning.

Blast from the past

In a question that wasn't really asked, I think I've found out what CH was doing on the night that she spent testing me with vague undertones of something and I was feeding this back to USHW "live". As coincidence would have it, was roughly this time of year (a week and eight years ago, to be more accurate).

I was doing some Facebook reminiscing and came across a photo of CH on a hen night. On a Tuesday night. I don't know how I've missed that photo before when I have perused CH's Facebook photos, but it stood out tonight.

I don't do regrets, but I would loved to have been a mind-reader, to have known what was going on in CH's head. Not just that night, either, but in general.

Down, down.

230.6 lbs

Back on the downward movement. I think I'd had a mini-plateau last time I checked-in. I haven't been on the scales for a few weeks - nothing deliberate, just preoccupied with other things, so the numbers were very much welcome this morning.

Still about 30 lbs heavier than I'd like, but that's not a quick fix.

Scrubbing up.

The "other stuff" from Wednesday has been ongoing. And there's still no interview date or, rather, there wasn't at 1PM yesterday when I logged off for the weekend. If I arrive in on Monday morning to an email telling me the interview is on Monday, I'll have to try to reschedule. The Wednesday stuff is eating up all my time at the moment and I'm neither prepared enough nor in the frame of mind to sit in an interview.

Anyhoo... because of the Wednesday stuff, I spent most of yesterday admiring a petite, Anna Kendrick lookalike (probably! She was wearing a mask, but had similar features) run around in a set of scrubs.

I've admitted to both a liking for Anna K before, and for women in scrubs. So it was a great double whammy for me.

Things that make you go "hmmm".

So, yeah... I was wrong. Nothing yet on the interview front. That's going to be next week at some point, giving me some extra time to prepare.

However, I'm still pretty stressed, but it's not just about the job stuff. Other things have happened that I don't particularly want to talk about right now.

I have two offers to do something on Saturday. One with GM, S and maybe FC, the other with FP. I'm going to go with the FP one. While I do want to meet up with GM etc, it smells like something that FC will take over. He can do that at times and as he's already out with a group of pals, we'll end up dancing to his tune rather than him coming to us.

Sheer heart attack (part 3)

Just a quick update. Still no email from HR about the interview, or there wasn't when I logged off at 5:15 PM earlier. I do fully expect to get one before 10 AM tomorrow, though.

Instead of sitting and going over my notes again tonight (which I've been doing non-stop since Saturday), I watched a film and played some games after dinner. It took my mind off  the interview completely and I actually felt relaxed. It was good downtime, but now I'm paranoid that I should have done a few hours worth of prep tonight.

Sigh.

Sheer heart attack (part 2)

I barely slept last night. Continued stress and worry about the upcoming interview. My heart has been pounding for about 72 hours - I am actually really concerned about the health implications of this. It's another downside of being single and living alone. I'm doing this all on my own. I desperately need support through this.

I still don't have any indication of when the interview will be, but I am anticipating 24 hours' notice. My gut says Thursday morning.

I sat for a few hours last night, reviewing the prepared questions and I feel like I'm not retaining anything. Like reading these things over and over for the past few days, but when I try to recall it later, there's nothing there. Part of that is the stress etc. I've also noticed that mentally, I've fallen off a cliff over the past 18 months too due to, I assume, pandemic-related isolation or stress or both.

Part of me wants the interview out of the way, but part of me wants the interview to be as far in the future as possible to give me more prep time. And part of me still hopes that no-one else applies and they just offer me the position outright.

Sheer heart attack.

I'm expecting to have an interview this week - probably Wednesday or Thursday - and the stress is already killing me.

I'm stressed out, even more than I was last week from this post. All the same symptoms, only more intense.

I can prepare for some it and be decently prepared, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, but there will be another part of it, probably 20% that I can't prepare for at all as it's a complete unknown and that's where I'm most likely to fail. Imposter Syndrome plus an element of not learning as much as I should over the past few years - getting a job done and moving on to the next one without picking anything up.

Sigh.

Remembering

One thing that I thought was worth mentioning from last night, was a conversation FP and I had about the night I met Recruitment Bird. We got onto the subject in a roundabout way - chatting about a friend of FP's who had recently passed away.

FP's friend was a bit of a player. Despite having a girlfriend, I saw him chat up plenty of women (often successfully).  I regaled FP of a night that I was out with KfW2 and FP's friend was quite clearly making moves, once he'd ruled out my own intentions.

The subject of RB came about because FP had said that his friend had commented on the fact that me "pulling" RB was the fastest he'd ever seen someone move. We compared timelines. My memory says that while the connection was made early, and by RB, the actual first move, by me, wasn't made for several hours and we were, in fact, still in the bar at closing time. 

FP's recollection is markedly different in that I sealed the deal early in the evening and then RB and I left.

I'm still convinced that my recollection is the correct one, because I remember RB and I snogging like teenagers well after the crowds had cleared and ordering a late cab, plus her housemates all being in bed when we pitched in and got handsy on her sofa.

And now I'm reminded of getting handsy on RB's sofa. Sigh.

Just talkin'

It's taken until September, after a Summer of great weather, to actually use my garden furniture for hosting guests. This time, it was FP. We sat in the garden, with a fire lit, drinking beer and just chatting until near 2AM. It was really nice to sit, chill and spend time in someone's company. I've been a bit stressed recently.

It's unlikely that the furniture will get used again this year and I'll have think about storing it for the Winter.

Am very tired today, but I'll need to motivate myself to do an hour or so's prep for an interview that's likely to be the middle or end of this coming week.

Eeek!

While out with Nerdy Girl last night, I got on to the subject of how useless I am at interviews. I've not done one in years, but I have come close a few times within the past few years and even before getting into an interview, I've had panic attacks and withdrawn my application.

I have an application sitting, ready to go. I doubt there are many other people within the company who match the criteria like I do. But I've not even sent in the application and I'm already all over the place.

Since this morning, here's what I've experienced:

• Panic
• Optimism
• Fear
• Light-headed
• Dizzy
• Excitement
• Stress

This is all fed by imposter syndrome and presumably low self-esteem and a lack of experience in doing interviews.

It'll get worse when I submit the application because I will need to prep for it which will stress me out further and I can look forward to these kinds of mood swings until the interview happens.

As I said to NG last night... I can describe this, but I don't think anyone has really understood how bad it is for me, to the point where I have avoided interviews etc. For example,. I might have been unhappy with the favouritism shown towards Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy, but that annoyance and frustration was nothing compared to how I feel when faced with interviews and change and the fear of somehow being found out. CC simply doesn't get it. Her comments usually imply that I should toughen up and get over it, even though she has done the same thing that I did, numerous times. KfW2 is similar. For years, she had panic attacks going for interviews, but she seems to have gotten over that, and is doing that thing that she does where she's now normalised her current behaviour, ignoring the fact that she avoided interviews for well over ten years.

Ouch.

I was out for one of my semi-regular walks with Nerdy Girl this evening. It was fun as usual, but my feet are in bits. I was wearing some new walking boots and I have blisters everywhere.

Weirdly, it's not the first time I've worn them so the blistering is a bit of a surprise.

Ouch.

Looks like I'm going to have to get some gel insoles.

Afternoon delight (Part 2).

The memory of christening FA2's new house a few days ago prompted another memory. FA2 and I had travelled to see BW. At this stage, we had officially been dating about a month (and this was probably six weeks before the other incident mentioned a few days ago). 

In typical BW fashion, he was buying a house and had signed the paperwork mere hours before FA2 and I arrived. There were issues - the deal was supposed to have been done weeks earlier.

Instead of spending the entire weekend in the pub and generally having a good time, we spent most of the weekend tailing BW as he did lots of errands for the new house.

He literally had no furniture. FA2 and I slept on the floor, we had to take sleeping bags with us etc. I was surprised there was electricity and hot water.

We went to the pub at night and one night, BW got royally toasted on Saturday. When we arrived back at his place, he fell forward as soon as he entered his house and fell asleep on the living room floor. FA2 and I briefly made sure he was OK then FA2 made a move to go upstairs. I pulled her into BW's conservatory where we had sex. It wasn't the first time we'd had sex that weekend. We christened BW's house the first night we were there, Thursday. By the time we left on Sunday evening, we'd ticked off three rooms: the bathroom, the guest bedroom and the conservatory.

Obviously, we said nothing to BW about it though he had said to me that he was looking forward to getting someone back to his to christen the conservatory. FA2 wasn't present for this conversation - I think she was at the bar at the time.

A few weeks later, BW sent me a message. He'd met someone at a bar and had brought her back to his. His house, and specifically his conservatory, had been christened he claimed. I shared this news with FA2 and she laughed. 

Even though we were still in the honeymoon get-naked-and-fuck-every-opportunity phase of the relationship, I don't think it crossed BW's mind that FA2 and I would have had sex that weekend and, to this day, he thinks he christened his house.

Dressing up.

Years ago, the relatively unknown Elizabeth Hurley burst onto the scene by wearing a Versace (I think) dress that created tonnes of column inches in the press.

It was a jaw-dropper all right, helped of course by Elizabeth Hurley being a very attractive woman.

I often wonder why the same thing didn't happen a few years ago when Brie Larson, one of the biggest movie stars in the world, was guest-hosting a talk show and wore this:

Or maybe it did and it passed me by at the time?

That time of year?

I feel a big time funk coming on. I don't know what's causing it - there's no one thing. The nights starting to lose in is definitely one aspect of it. I hate the gloom, I hate the winter.

I was meant to be doing a job application tonight, but the files are stuck on my work laptop and I couldn't download them in order to type everything up this evening. I know that as soon as I do submit the application, I'll need to prep, and the whole prep plus potential interview will really stress me out.

But the thing is, I need to do these applications and interviews. There's a deadline looming that I want to avoid, and to do that I need to apply for jobs.

I also called KfW2 earlier. I feel like we've not actually properly spoken in months. She mentioned me going to visit, I mentioned that I owed her lunch. We didn't actually get to make any arrangements as she had to chase her kids to bed for school tomorrow. I'd love to see her again, have a chat in private. Preferably in a bar where she can't be interrupted.

All of this is getting on top of me - not any one big thing, but lots of small things.

Afternoon delight.

A few months into dating FA2, she moved house. It was a process that went on much longer than necessary, but thanks to an understanding seller, she was able to store stuff at the new house (which was vacant) and was given a key to access the house for tradesmen etc.

As the process was approaching an end, she took me around one Sunday afternoon to measure up, get a few ideas together for decorating etc.

We were about to leave, to go to my parents' house for Sunday dinner when she actually jumped on me and we had sex, twice. I had to apologise for being half an hour late when we finally arrived at my parents' place.

Cut to a few weeks later, when all the paperwork had been done, the house was officially FA2's and she was moving in. A few comments from close friends about when we were going to "christen" the house were met with knowing looks between us.

Actually, at that stage, not only had the house been christened, but we'd ticked off a few rooms. The above incident was the master bedroom, but we'd also screwed in the guest bedroom, the utility room and on the stairs.

I don't know why that (rather pleasant) thought popped into my head this afternoon, but it brought a smile to my face.

Oh, go on then.

CC arrived at my door earlier, looking a favour. To be fair, she had asked this morning if I could print some stuff out for her, but I had assumed that she'd phone first or email the stuff across for me to print, then collect it when she had the time. After all, she is on a flight this evening at 7PM and still had to pack.

But, no. She arrived at my door, rang the bell. I didn't answer, having my headphones in, so she had to call.

Thankfully, she didn't hang around too long. Though, despite appearing on my door step in yoga pants and a sports bra, I did fleetingly wonder how she'd look these days in a bikini now that she's taken to exercise etc. I think I said this before, but she looked good back in 2013. She must look better now?

Mind games.

According to Facebook, today marks the seventh anniversary of the night that CH got a bit earnest about our friendship in text messages. In hindsight, knowing what I know now, surely it was just the booze talking? After all, any time I called upon her friendship after this, I was left disappointed. Actually, any time she had a chance to show her friendship after that, she seemingly chose not to. 

Part of me would still love to get to know what was going on in her head over that period of time.

Shame, that. Her loss.

Bewildering.

CC called a few nights ago. At first she was trying to get me to go out for dinner, but I was in the middle of cooking at that stage, then she shifted to talking about a holiday abroad.

While she didn't ask outright, I was left wondering if she wanted me to accompany her. Looking back, it kinda felt like she wanted to ask. Maybe that's shy she wanted to go out for dinner? To ask in person?

I wouldn't, even if we weren't in the middle of a global pandemic. CC is OK in small doses, but in anything longer, is a complete pain in the ass. Plus I have a work thing that I really need to get sorted before taking any proper time off. Sigh.

Seeing in her a bikini for several hours a day would not make up for that!

I think she found something, and is due to fly out tomorrow, alone. I don't know how anyone could be that desperate for sun that they'd go to that trouble, and do it on their own, under the current climate of travel restrictions, sickness etc. but that's CC for you.

Pondering.

Today MMBF gets married. I did wonder, this morning, if MM or M himself ever tried to set us up. If they did, they've never admitted to it, though there were a few occasions where I did get the feeling that they were sounding me out.

Physically, I think she's attractive, and I never made any secret of that to M. However, from a non-physical perspective, she's high maintenance (according to M) which would put me off, and I think I said as much to M as well.

MM never said anything that I can remember, but she did make a point of inviting me out when it was just her and MMBF.

While nothing ever came of it, if I do assume that they were trying something, then this is exactly the way I'd like it to be. No pressure, just get two people together and see what happens.

I did, though, make a bit of an effort at M and MM's wedding, but saw no sign that she was interested back.

MMBF has posted a picture on Facebook. She's blonde these days, which is not a good look for her, in my opinion. She's naturally a brunette, at least I think she is. The B in MMBF is 'brunette' and which suits her much better.

Here's hoping MM or QC2 post pictures later.

Jaw dropping.

I am getting really strong KfW2 vibes from this picture of Morena Baccarin.

I really should try and pin her down for our night out. KfW2 that is, not Morena Baccarin. She owes me a night out that should be different again. And she's also suggested that I go to hers one night. I'm hoping that's three different times to spend with KfW2, but the pessimist in me thinks it'll be different. After all, it is over 4 years since we've done a "me and KfW2" outing.

Woah!

MMBF is getting married on Friday! I found this out from M, who came out with myself and G for drinks tonight.

I had a great night out with G and M. I don't see them as often as I should, but we always click. The chat is good but the banter is better, even after all these years. It's always been the case.

I mentioned to M that he might seek out QC2. She might be at the wedding and she's good fun. M didn't sound as if he was a big fan of MMBF's fiancé. I don't think M knows him, but whatever information he's getting back from MM isn't great.

Woke up this morning...

I've not slept well the past few nights. Alcohol and job-related stress are the main factors, I think. Saying that, I have had similar dreams both night. Erotic dreams, in fact. In it, I meet a woman in a hotel in a foreign country. We don't know each other but I think she's a combination of CH and an ex-gf of GM's that I'm Facebook friends with.

She posted a holiday/bikini picture recently, which might also have fed directly into the dream.

Suffice to say, I've been awfully frustrated for the past few mornings, with a real desire to go somewhere hot, sunny and foreign for a holiday and not think about work.

Swipe, right?

I did another sweep through Tinder this morning, bored, hungover and horny and desperately trying to will myself out of bed for work. For the first time in a long time, Attractive Neighbour popped up on my feed. I, of course, swiped right. I don't think I'm her type. I'm not even sure she's my type (I get a high maintenance vibe off her), but I'm a sucker for a pretty face and AN is pretty.

Weekly weigh-in.

 231.6 lbs a very slight drop over last week's weigh-in.

This week is busy - meeting FP tonight, my sis's birthday tomorrow and meeting G on Wednesday. All of which means boozy nights, which is not great for weight loss, but we'll see.

Surprise!

An hour ago, G did actually send a message asking about meeting up, so we have tentative plans for Wednesday night. FP can't make it and is making a big deal of it, but Wednesday is the only night both G and I are available due to family commitments.

Sucks to be FP, but I'm looking forward to catching up with G.

Surprise! Surprise?

If Facebook is anything to go by, G is home for the weekend. A post by his sister seems to imply that, but he's said nothing to me or FP.

I wonder if there's going to be a last-minute call to the pub? My gut says no, but it's been wrong before.

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

I gave myself as haircut this morning. It's really quite short and, if I am being honest, a little shorter than I'd planned. But, I like me with short hair. I used to wear it longer when I was younger, but after a bet with QC2 back in the day where I got it cut short for the first time, I've really liked how I look. It makes me feel confident, and that's saying something.

FA2 hated my short hair.

"It make you look like a criminal," she opined.

It didn't end in a fight... but we did disagree. She didn't go as far as asking me not to cut it short, but I knew she would have preferred it because she was very vocal about it each time I would get a haircut.

But, as I said, I like how it made me feel. I'm not often comfortable in my own skin, so small wins like this were never being given up.

It also reminds me of KfW2 getting her hair cut short, which I thought really suited her and I made sure to tell her. She really liked it, though her husband hated it apparently. So she never cut it that way again, until last year I think.

"You get your hair cut short again? I really like it like that. Suits you." I said.

She seemed pleased.

"Thanks! It was the hubby's idea."

I didn't question the husband's earlier point of view. I just admired how she looked.

All about K.

One thing that might have been forgotten in the mists of time and temporary insanity (not mine) is that K was quite cute. Well, back when we met for the second time. Yes, I've been browsing old pictures again.

I think K and I met five times in total. The first was when I was leaving the country and it coincided with lots of hobby people meeting in London, and as I was in the area, I decided to join them. We hit it off instantly. As an aside, this was also the first time I met R, with whom I'd already built up a bit of a connection.

If I recall correctly, the meeting with the pictures was the first of that year and well over a year after the first time. It was the first of four times in fairly quick succession. I say "quick", but it was probably April, July, August and October in the same year. And bearing in mind we lived 350 miles apart at that stage, four times in one year is pretty impressive.  

I think she admitted at a later stage that it was the July meeting where she started viewing me as something non-platonic, but all I'd done was accompany her and a friend to a gig, then introduce her and the friend to BR afterwards where we drank heavily into the night, before walking them to their hotel and going our own way. Oh, and then repeating the same thing the next day. There were no moves made nor any actions that could be misconstrued, in my opinion. I wasn't leading her on.

August was the one where we ended up having sex, and the October one was, I think, primarily to make sure nothing happened between me and another girl who came to visit.

The final time would have been a few months after that again, the infamous gathering where I met F for the first time, K was determined to "nail me" and she refused to listen to what I had to say. Actually, strike that. That wasn't the last time I met K. She did show up briefly to another gathering where I met USHW for the first time, and R again, too.

Tossing and turning.

I went to bed at my normal time last night, read a bit and fell asleep. I woke several times during the night, more than I usually would, but something was different. I was on the opposite side of the bed, right on the edge. When I woke, I rolled over, back to my usual place, and fell asleep and would wake a while later, again on the opposite side of the bed.

I don't have a small bed, either.

I do toss and turn sometimes, but usually while staying in place. Last night was unusual not just for the amount of times I woke (probably half a dozen) but also for having moved across the entire width of the bed each time.

Saying that, I didn't feel as tired as I was expecting when I had to get out of bed this morning.

Jumble (cont'd)

I should add that the post I made earlier is not really a recent thing. I've been unhappy for a long time, it's just being exacerbated by a few things that are happening around me currently.

Self-confidence has always been an issue, alongside my social anxiety and shyness. I have terrible imposter syndrome that's holding me back, professionally. That might be added to/caused by the fact I always seem to have to fight for recognition when it comes easily to Stalky Guy or Brusque Guy. When I applied for a job a few months ago, I pretty much didn't sleep for a week between submitting the application and getting an interview (which I bombed, due to stress and my memory shutting down).

Part of the unhappiness is going through this stuff alone, not being able to chat to someone when I need to and just have some support when trying to make decisions.  

Jumble

There are a lot of things happening, right now, that I could do without. Work things, personal things... things. I'm not going to get into them in detail on this blog at the moment. I may revisit them with posts in the future, but I haven't really decided yet.

But I'm stressed. I'm trying to get these things settled in my head but I often struggle when trying to do this with more than one thing at a time. It's at times like this that I feel lonely and the lack of a significant other also weighs on me. But it's also a reminder that I've not had some alone time with KfW2 in years, barring a few quick lunches when we're treating each other for our respective birthdays. It's over four years since I had a night out with KfW2 and longer than that since it wasn't birthday-related.

Similarly with GM, someone else I can talk to, I saw him for the first time in a year and a half at the weekend. Despite having similar outlooks on life, I've often found it hard to pin him down for a chat, though he always claims to enjoy it when we do.

I've also been reading a blog - two friends date each other for forty days. It's years old by this stage (2013), and I'm only halfway through it, so have no idea how it ends, but it reminded me of this post. You know, that stage where you're finding out about this new person in your life and it's exciting and fun and nervy all at the same time. That's only added to the loneliness.

And I'd love to get some work done to my house. I have a list of tasks that would add value to the house, but also make the house more pleasant: new lighting in the hall and stairs, a new kitchen plus a few other things. I can't afford to do them all at once, but I also can't seem to get anyone out to give me a quote for the work, never mind getting several people out so I can choose a quote. While it might not seem obvious, the loneliness aspect plays a part here too: it would be nice to have someone to bounce ideas off about the improvements I want to do. As it is, I have some ideas that may be brilliant or may be outrageous. I simply don't know.

Still, a potential walk with Nerdy Girl on Wednesday and a group meeting with FC, Mrs FC, S and GM at the weekend. It's nice to have something to look forward to, despite the stress and the feeling of being over-whelmed.

Urgh.

I dreamed about CAB last night. I guess it wasn't a surprise. Due to revisiting some old emails, I've been working on a post, currently sitting in draft, about how we met and started dating. That was in between broken sleep. I felt awful this morning - sore neck, really tired, cannot concentrate, so I took some time off work and will spend this afternoon chilling, reading and making a few phone calls.

Weekly update.

No change in my weight from last week, which is not a disaster as I had a night out on Wednesday with lots of food and alcohol, an afternoon in the pub with colleagues/evening at the cinema with GM and yesterday spent boozing with my sis and brother-in-law. I was expecting an increase, if I am being honest, so maintaining the weight is a bit of a result!

Playing games.

Years ago, on a typical Friday night, if I wasn't in the pub, I would be at D's house with a carry out from the off-licence, playing video games and having a laugh. Sometimes there could be three or four of us.

One particular Friday night, I was at D's, ready to play a new game that he'd bought that day, when he pondered out loud why I wasn't out with BW and FBS. I think this might have been around the time that things had gotten physical with FBS and I was a) trying to keep it secret and b) figure out what it was that I, and FBS, wanted. Of course, D knew (FBS told him), but I don't know if he was trying to get me laid or working for FBS for whatever she wanted.

A memory that popped into mind as I was taking a stroll down memory lane by reading about my favourite video games from way back.

Talking

It was a social day yesterday. First I met a few co-workers, including my boss, Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy. I wasn't really in the mood for it - I've never really gotten over my boss's favouritism of Stalky and Brusque, plus he's let me down a few times when it's really mattered.

Saying that, I'm going to require a favour off the boss soon, plus I really need to get out of the house more and talk to people, so I figured that it was only a few hours. It turned out not to be so bad, plus the timing was good as I was meeting GM to go and see a film.

We had a brief chat after the film, which was great. I had been talking about getting some people out socialising - The Crowd, mainly. It might be a few weeks though there is appetite to get everyone together. GM was talking about potentially bringing out AH and an ex-FwB of his. I don't know that the numbers will work. We still have Covid restrictions and could only have 6 people out. FC, Mrs FC, S, his girlfriend (presumably), GM and myself. If S doesn't invite his girlfriend, that frees up one slot. If it were my choice, I'd choose AH every time. I just never warmed to GM's ex-FwB, I don't know why. I don't dislike her either, by the way, I just didn't click with her .

Of course, GM and I swapped "don't feel like you're stuck in the house, if you're bored come over to mine" messages at the end. I don't think he has cabin fever - he seems socially active on some really interesting looking stuff, but more if he's a bit lonely or needs a chat.

Falling.

231.8 lbs

Just getting that out there quickly. A loss of 1 lb over last week. Can I break the 230 lbs point by next week? Unlikely with meeting a friend for drinks on Wednesday, a potential work social thing on Friday and maybe a lunch date with KfW2 next weekend, but let's see.

Looking good.

I think I've posted before about how good Kate Beckinsale looked in her Underworld get-up. While I loved the figure-hugging costumes, I was equally, if not more, taken by her haircut.

Now she's returned to the bob-like look, only blonde this time, and in my opinion, totally rocking it.

She's a stunning-looking woman, regardless.

Just pondering stuff.

On of the questions on Reddit today was "What 'rules' of dating do you absolutely hate?", and the top answer seemed to be that, as a male, the expectation was that we should take the initiative and pay for things.

I think I've been lucky on that second point, though to be honest, pretty much all of my first dates have been in the pub or coffee dates, so even when I have spent some money, it's not been an awful lot.

But the first does ring true. I think I've mentioned before that I've had these conversations before with KfW2 and QC2 (and possibly others), and they were both shocked that I might suggest they ask someone out. Now, KfW2 has been single a grand total of a few weeks in the entire time I've known her, so this was never actually a factor, but she did admit that she'd never asked anyone out ever.

And yet, both of them would claim to be feminists, and they would show that across all aspects of their lives... except dating.

Just stuff...

I can't believe that it was supposedly National Boob Day a few days ago and I completely missed it. Now, I've always said that I'm not specifically a boob man or an ass man. I like the whole package, all in proportion.

Saying that... Salma Hayek showing a bit of cleavage in a tight outfit? Oh, go on...

Going down.

The number this morning was 232.8 lbs, a small drop from last week, but a drop nonetheless. It might have been more, had my sis and bro-in-law not dropped in unexpectedly on Saturday night and we stayed up late drinking rum and chatting. It was a lot of rum.

Anyway, a small drop is still movement in the right direction. I also have a walk coming up with Nerdy Girl later today, which is usually quite prolific - 6 miles or thereabouts equalling about 700  calories.

Travel Company.

For the past few nights, I've been dreaming of travelling. Specifically, dreaming of travelling with someone that I'm involved with romantically or physically. While sex doesn't feature in the dream, nor do I get the impression that I know the person, I seem to recall that they physically resembled CH or KfW2 - brunette, nice figure, shoulder length hair.

With the weather turning bad, travel has been on my mind a little.

It also occurred to me, as I started typing this post, that I'd never actually been on holiday with someone that I was involved with. I've met people while travelling, but I've never sat and planned a trip somewhere foreign with someone.

There was an incident with FA2 where, a few weeks after we'd officially started dating, she told me that she'd put a deposit on two tickets for a cruise for the following year, with her brother and his girlfriend. I suggested that that might be a bit hasty, and while I was willing to go on holiday with her, cruises weren't my thing and planning a year in advance after a few weeks of dating seemed foolish.

D and I, before the days of the internet, planned a road trip across America. We had rough costs, got a route and looked at hotels etc. We reckoned, to make it affordable and to be safe with the driving, we'd need four people. Then D went and invited both Friction Guy and FBS. This was shortly after FBS had told me that she was looking for something more than FwB, so I didn't think that having her along would be a great idea (even if, at the back of my mind, it could mean us sharing a bed on the trip, if you catch my drift).

So, yeah. Travel. Somewhere sunny with cool stuff to do. Where can I go?