Oh la la!

I haven't been sleeping well this week due to illness, but last night I dreamed of V. Specifically, the night V and I went out partying for Halloween and then stayed up all night long, drinking and talking.

And then, browsing the Internet this morning, I came across a photo that reminded me of V's costume that night, Snow White. When she turned up at my place afterwards, she'd changed into jeans and still looked awesome, but part of me reckons had she still been in the costume that I'd have made a move because she was sexy af in that outfit.

Edit: Actually, V's costume might have been Alice in Wonderland, but it was pretty much the same thing, including the stockings.

Stuff (cough, cough)

I've been out of sorts over the past week or so. It's mostly just being run down, but a few weeks ago I developed the beginnings of a cold that I was able to shake before it took hold properly. Then last week, I simply wasn't sleeping well and though I didn't take any time off work, I was burned out by Friday.

Then yesterday, I got out of bed having had practically no sleep - back pain in my lower back made sleep tricky, plus a cold finally got me. I spent all day on the sofa wrapped in a blanket, drinking herbal tea. And I got no sleep last night either - continued back pain coupled with the cold's symptoms meant that I managed to doze in 45-minute bursts.

I'm drugged up today and I'm sitting in the house. I had a PTO day pre-booked, so I've yet to take any actual sick days.

The back thing is not related to the cold... it's more related to my sedentary lifestyle and, this is just a hunch, but the new office chair I bought around this time last year.

Daytime TV is crap, I'm currently watching Sliders - an old science fiction programme.

I remember back in the day having a massive crush on Sabrina Lloyd: petite, dark eyes, brunette. Probably not a massive surprise given her (vague) resemblance to Kate Mara in the below photo.

Just stuff.

Another broken night of sleep last night, so I decided to work from home. I don't tend to work from home because I have zero motivation and do very little. Today has been no exception. Lack of motivation coupled with being physically and mentally exhausted has meant I've done about an hour's proper work.

I have, however, binged the entire Season 3 of The Expanse. I'd recommend it it - some really good, adult sci-fi... if sci-fi is your thing.

Feeling down.

Another dream, and again, most of the details are eluding me. Vaguely, I was meeting KfW2 for dinner. It was an occasion. A birthday. Her's, mine, someone else's... I don't know. KfW2's closest friend was there too. What happened is something I can't remember, but what I can remember is that, at the end of the dream, as I was waking up, was that KfW2 was no longer speaking to me.

I don't know if this is related to KfW2's recent promotion/job move. It's provoked something in me that I can't put my finger on. I've touched on my (slight) jealousy and my apprehension that I think KfW2 is up to the task now being asked of her.

She has a pay rise, but it's come at a price. It might not even be a pay rise at the end of the day. 

Years ago, around the time that KfW2 got married, I confided in USHW that I saw our friendship diminishing as a result. USHW had suggested that the friendship would likely change, but KfW2 would remain my friend. This is true... but... I dunno. This time it feels different. 

It's been too long since KfW2 and I sat down, had a drink and a chat. In public. We do have semi-regular, small chats, but it's mostly work related, or I've been doing her a favour and the chat is secondary. We haven't had one of our nights out in years.

And it looks like that's further away than ever. And that saddens me a great deal, and I guess I'm feeling a bit lonely.

Looking up

I've always had a thing for tall women. I don't know where that came from... it's not like I've dated a really tall girl* who really impacted me enough to form a preference.

However, when I was looking after KfW2's kids last week, I bumped into a very pretty (bordering on beautiful) brunette girl. Literally bumped into her as I was chasing the kids around. I looked up... and up... and up. She was my height (6' 1"). I managed to apologise without seeming like too much of an idiot before running to catch up with the children who were running riot, filled with adrenaline and sweeties. We crossed paths a few more times before it was time to leave and I got a smile each time.

When it was time to take them back to KfW2's, her eldest told KfW2 about my collision.

"She was a giant!" declared KfW2's eldest.

"Right up your street then, Ruuude" said KfW2 with a raised eyebrow. She knows I like tall girls.

"You have no idea," I laughed.

*FBS is, I think, about 5' 7", that's the same height as KfW2. Most other flings, crushes and girlfriends have tended to be between 5' 2" and 5' 5" with two exceptions: both K and QC1 are 4' 11"

Who?

I woke up after another semi-sleepless night and another dream, this time I recall little detail except it involved K and us having lots of sex (though the context escapes me), and another vaguely identified woman who featured in only a small way. I can't remember exactly who it was, but like Melanie's appearance a few nights ago, it was someone I knew, but wasn't particularly close to, nor was in current contact with. An old school crush maybe? Someone like that.

Weird.

There was a girl who joined my school in sixth form. I've no idea where she came from and to be honest, our paths barely, if ever, crossed. I couldn't even tell you if she knew my name. I see her pop up on Facebook from time to time as part of those "people you may know" lists. She did, however, feature in a dream of mine last night.

I was having a barbecue on the roof of my apartment block when this girl (let's call her Melanie) approaches me and makes conversation. She knows my name and is quite obviously interested in me romantically. Suddenly, there is an emergency. I can't remember what the details of this emergency were, but it requires me to leave immediately. Before I can leave, Melanie leans in and kissed me. It was a great kiss. I left her with my barbecue and went to deal with the emergency.

It's a few days later. Once again I am on the roof, barbecuing. Melanie approaches me again, this time wearing a micro bikini. We chat, but the spark from before is gone We chat, but then I wake up and the dream ends.

The dream itself is weird. I don't actually live in an apartment, for starters. I've never given any real thought to Melanie either in school or since, though she is pretty. And micro-bikinis do nothing for me. I've not seen a picture of one yet where I've thought the woman wearing it looks good in it. Just... weird.

Untitled.

FP is fond of KfW2. They've gotten along really well since they were introduced, so FP often asks after KfW2 when we're in the pub.

I had told him about the recent KfW2 thing with her new job and my gut feeling that it was, once again, about the money rather than the job itself.

I don't know why I'm bothered about this to the extent that I am. I'm guessing at least part of it is my experience with managers. In my current company I've had two excellent managers, one good manager, three disasters and the rest fall into a middling group of "meh".

That's roughly 1 in 3 managers have been a disaster. Two of them were flat out bullies and one was the very definition of incompetent.

So KfW2 going for a management job is off to me. Obviously, I worked "with" her on a few projects. I can't say it was a pleasant experience. She was a control freak, making big promises that required long hours because she couldn't admit that she was wrong. The big promises also meant that all the knowledge was in her head as she had no time to write training documents, so when it came time to leave the team and pass on her knowledge she couldn't.

Actually, by the time she came to leave the team, she was too busy waltzing off for a chat with her chums in the department that the knowledge transfer never really got anywhere near completed and when I mentioned it in passing one afternoon, months after she'd started her new job, she went home that evening and spent hours trawling through emails to try and prove me wrong.

And let's not ignore the professional "jealousy" when I told her about the recognition I had been getting this year.

Being a manager means being fair, transparent, having the respect of your charges. With this behaviour, how does KfW2 meet those traits?

So... I have issues with managers. I hold them to high standards and have strong ideas about what good managers do. Standards that KfW2 doesn't have and ideas that we don't share. As she admitted a few days ago at tea break, she's a mother first and whatever else is down the list. That's what she works weird hours... so that she can spend time with her kids. Unfortunately, our company will allow her to maintain that, which I fundamentally disagree with. Some jobs require that those benefits are restricted... and in my opinion, being a people manager means you need to be in the office, interacting with your staff. Otherwise, how do you build the respect? How do you build the knowledge of what they do so you can give them accurate performance scores every year?

All conversations with KfW2 have talked about her pay rise or being able to maintain her working arrangement. She's said nothing about the new job, her excitement about taking it, the opportunities it will afford her etc.

FP is a lot more experienced in the management side of it than I am, but he's in full agreement with me when I explained all the above to him (and he'd tell me if he wasn't - this isn't taking my side for the sake of it).

I have a bad feeling about it all, but nothing specific I can put my finger on, just a gut feeling.

Concern

QC3 is leaving the country today, destination unknown. Which is weird because she's been very vocal about nearly everything else on Facebook over the past weeks and months. She split with her long-term partner several months ago and has seemingly gone off the rails. The breakup itself may have been due to an addiction issue. Her daughter now lives with another family member.

Part of me is concerned, but I also think that QC3 is the type of person who will drag you down with her if you get involved.

This isn't the first time that QC3 has upped sticks and left. She did so roughly twenty years ago. We had kinda, sorta gotten together one night and then spent the next six weeks circling each other, waiting for the other to indicate it wasn't a drunken mistake, before she left. QC3 was never girlfriend material though - it was very much a lust thing for me. She was a potential FwB rather than anything more substantial mainly due to her being flaky.

And we repeated that when I went to visit her, this time waking in bed with her, naked but with no recollection of the night before. I think she was the same.

And that thought reminded me that there have been several girlfriends and crushes who left the country. CAB, R2, QC3 and FA2 are the ones I remember offhand, at least those who have been mentioned on here before.

Conflicted

KfW2 has an interview today. She's very nervous, but the job specification was written for her and, unofficially at least, the guy she'd be replacing and one of the interviewers wants her to get the job. It's amusing because this is similar to something that happened a few years ago with Stalky Guy... and KfW2 was extremely critical of both the management and Stalky Guy at the time.

It wasn't Stalky Guy's fault, of course. He was just the golden boy of management, but he wasn't suitable for the job. The criticism came because he didn't (publicly) admit that the job was written for him. It's not like he didn't know - we'd all told him. His boss had also pretty much told him in a lateral, innuendo, implied way. And that's where KfW2's criticism came from. Arguably, the job should have been KfW2's, but that favouritism that I've mentioned or hinted at previously isn't just stacked against me.

So, KfW2 is now panicking in case she doesn't get the job. The fact is, if she doesn't get the job then she has fucked up the interview in a pretty major way. The people involved want her to get the job.

I'm conflicted. I want her to do well, though I don't think she's really cut out for the job she's going for: management. She has at least admitted that the job spec was written for her, though is not admitting that the interview will be made easier for her. She's been well-prepped by the two people I mention above and she's mentioned that it's been shared that the company want more females in management. So everything seems to be in her favour. However, just like the last time she went for a new job, this seems to be driven more by the pay rise she'd get for the new job rather than the challenge of something new itself. I personally think it's dangerous that someone goes into management for the cash rather than a desire to do so as a career move.

And, yes, I'm a little jealous. After missing out (i.e. been deliberately overlooked) for a mid-year promotion, it's still a little raw with me and I'd love just to have the support of someone to get a pay-rise and promotion like Stalky Guy and KfW2 have had recently.

Oh, hello!

The first time I saw Attractive Neighbour on Tinder (or Plenty of Fish, I can't remember, but one of the dating sites/apps), one of her pictures showed her in a short-ish skirt with knee-high boots. I've always been a fan of the short-ish skirt and boots combo, so I was a fan of this particular picture, more than others of her. I recall expressing that appreciation to USHW at the time. USHW had always encouraged me to make more contact with AN, but she was never interested in me, though I sometimes wonder if a friendship could have been formed.

Regardless... at work a few days ago, as I was leaving for lunch, I walked past a pretty girl wearing a short-ish tartan skirt and knee-high boots. I think she's new. I don't recall ever seeing her before.

Kinda, sorta like this (similar boots in black, skirt lower in the waist and lower on the leg):

It made my day, the shallow person that I am.

Oh dear

So much for the anticipated improved financial situation. Neither my promotion nor the supposed upcoming reworking of my mortgage is happening that should have made me a few hundred pounds a month better off. The former I've already mentioned - an ongoing feeling that my face isn't fitting here at work. God know the objective evidence should have been enough. But I had thought that my mortgage was coming to the end of its fixed period with a few weeks. Shopping around had shown me that, at the very worst, I'd be just over £100 better off each month.

However, once I dug out my paperwork, it appears that I have another year to go.

FFS.

FFS... Oh!

"Did you know that we're going to join you?"

One of the guys in work, who sits in the team beside me was talking about our upcoming team night out. Sadly, I've been saddled with the organisation. I replied in the negative.

"Yeah, we discussed it in our meeting yesterday"

Hmmm... Did they maybe want to ask if we minded? I don't particularly want to spend more time with the fast-talking mumbler who becomes more and more incoherent as he gets drunker. Or the guy who seemingly spends all of his free time reading Wikipedia articles so that he can pontificate all day long in the office. I contemplated saying something until a realisation hit me. That would mean Quiet Girl would be out.

I can get on-board with having drinks with Quiet Girl. Maybe it's not a bad idea after all...

Lookalikes

There was talk today about your favourite sitcom that no one else liked or had heard of. My nomination was "Becker", starring Ted Danson, Shawnee Smith and Terry Farrell. No one else knew about it. Both Shawnee Smith and Terry Farrell were super cute.

Someone mentioned "Time Gentlemen Please", a British sitcom that I'd never heard of. As I'd never heard of it, I was quickly on to IMDB.

It starred Julia Sawalha. God, I had a massive crush on her when she was in the teen drama "Press Gang". It was her profile picture that caught the eye, though. There was a strong resemblance to CH... very strong in fact, especially around the smile and the eyes. I'm also seeing a bit of FA2 in Sawalha's more serious moments.

Here's a picture:

Sadness

Facebook kindly reminded me that it was the recent anniversary of a night where three things happened:

1. It was GB's birthday
2. CC first admitted her interest in GM - something that still seems to crop up even now (the night in question was back in 2012)
3. CH asked me to kiss her and, separately, was sneakily grabbing my ass whilst we were chatting to other people. It might have prompted the first post where I realised there may have been something more going on than us being friends.

I kinda still miss CH from time to time. The ambiguous flirting was fun and a bit of an ego boost (albeit incredibly frustrating at the same time) and she was good fun. She was also especially good at getting people to talk. The night in question above saw CH getting CC to talk about blow jobs.

I'd love to just have a good chat with her again - over coffee or beers - with no other distractions.