Wonderful.

I sent a message to KfW2:

"What are your plans for the weekend?"

It wasn't an invitation to maybe grab a drink, but a more general question. KfW2 loves Halloween, so I was betting there'd be a party or dressing up involved. I was right.

"I'm having a party, you should come up. But if you do, you have to dress up."

She knows I won't. She's invited me before. They tend to be two things: mainly family affairs and dress up parties.

"I'm at my sis's on Saturday, plus I don't have any costumes anyway!"

It's not a lie as such. I will be at my sister's at some point over the weekend. It's just not likely to be Saturday night. 

"I'll loan you one!"

"I'd look fantastic as Wonder Woman!" 

And now I'm thinking of KfW2 in a Wonder Woman costume. 

What?

A bit of a weird dream last night. It featured KfW2 quite significantly. In the dream, she kept inviting me to social and work events but would never explain why. At these events, she wouldn't really spend any time with me.

Eventually I caved and pulled her to one side.

"What's going on? Are you OK?"

She hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"I just need to you be here, watching. I don't trust these people."

And then the dream switches to another social event with KfW2.

And it ended about there.

For some reason, it really shook me for reasons I don't fully understand. I know that, in the dream, KfW2 was really concerned about something and wanted my help, even if she was being vague about it. But is that it? As I said, I can't really put my finger on how it made me feel, just that I was feel off as a consequence. Illogically concerned and worried about her, even if it was just a dream.

Plans.

As expected/predicted, an email came out about a work Halloween party. It's been years since I was last at one, but our regular monthly thing is less frequent now and I could do with a night out.

I asked who was going in my work chat with Stalky Guy and Quiet Girl.

"I'll go," said Quiet Girl, "but I'm not dressing up."

I knew this. QG is definitely not the "dressing up" sort, and I'm glad cos that means she'll be wearing her usual attire: jeans and a t-shirt and I get to surreptitiously admire her ass.

So that's three definite social engagements in the diary: I'm meeting Nerdy Girl on Friday for drinks, it's just over a week until I head out with D, FBS etc. and then just over two weeks until this work thing with QG.

Still outstanding: a night out with AM (and QC1 etc.) and a rescheduled night out with KfW2, but that's unlikely to be for at least 5 weeks. Oh, and a potential meet up with M.

Boys only.

As part of a social event a few weeks ago, I was chatting with both G and KfW2. KfW2 knew that G and I had known each other a while, but I don't think it ever registered with her how long. I'm pretty sure I've told her, but she'd forgotten.

We got talking about school. One of KfW2's friends is now a teacher at my old high school. However, for reasons they couldn't explain, they assumed it was an all-boys school. or they did until she started work and saw a girl in school uniform and the penny dropped. I've never made any secret of it when talking to KfW2, but I guess the subject of girls at school never came up.

I know that I've spoken here before about crushes on girls like E3, SJ and possibly others. I don't think I've ever shared a specific story about my school days or crushes on girls like SJ with KfW2. 

What I have done, though, is tell her about the time that E3 made her move on me at M's 40th birthday party. I'm pretty sure that I explained that E3 was a friend from school. However, that was 14 years ago. KfW2 not only knows about AM, one of my closest friends at school, but has actually met her.Some days, KfW2 can't remember getting out of bed in the morning, so no real surprise.

But yesterday's introspection and trip down memory lane reminded me of that conversation from a few weeks back.

Happy talk.

I meant to call KfW2 yesterday to suggest we meet for coffee today. She doesn't work on Fridays and I am taking personal time this week.

I forgot though, and called her this morning. She didn't pick up.

It was almost inevitable that the phone rang as I was just about to step into the shower. I literally had one foot in when the phone went. In total there were three calls, as she kept needing to hang up to do something: put petrol in her car, call her daughter and pick up her daughter. But in total, these three calls totalled nearly an hour.

I would far rather have done the chat over a coffee, but that's entirely on me. I'm pretty sure she'd have agreed to meet if I'd called yesterday.

Get out.

It's only been a week and a bit since I was meant to do dinner and drinks with KfW2. The recent night out with G has given me a taste for... something. I would try with KfW2 to rearrange something... and I will... but she's unlikely to have any free time until near the end of November.

There's a potential work night out at the end of this month, but that's 4 weeks away. I have a definite night out with D, FBS and Friction Guy in three weeks time.

That's the kind of thing that I'm craving - a night out with friends somewhere that I don't usually go. Interaction with strangers, too. That's what I got with G on Saturday.

I think it ties into the whole loneliness thing from last week, too. 

Out and about.

Sadly, KfW2 wasn't in contact yesterday as she promised. On the flip side, G was. He asked if I was up to going out for a few drinks, and I was. I quite fancied some time in the pub, chatting and people watching. I have been out of the house quite a lot this past 2 weeks, but not in a way that scratches a social itch.

And I spent the night chatting to G and eyeing up some cute brunettes, one of whom sorta resembled Holly Marie Combs and a really cute petite woman who was dancing nearby.

It was just the tonic I needed - a change of scenery, some different company and an evening of possibilities (even if I was never going to actually take any of them if they presented themselves.

Weight off my mind.

I've posted recently, though not in any detail, that I've lost a lot of weight. There was a specific incident around two years ago that sparked the weight loss. I had to wear my suit for a funeral, except it no longer fitted me. I was gutted for two reasons: firstly, I love that suit. I've gotten really good feedback when I've worn it and more than one woman has given me a good eyeing up when I've worn it, including CH. 

I also have a great memory of the day I bought it - I was accompanied by KfW2 as a trusted second set of eyes (I am useless at buying clothes out of my comfort zone and needed the backup) and we got lucky in that it was only the second or third suit I'd tried on.

That meant we were able to get into the second part of the day much sooner than expected, which was food and pub, and it's been well-recorded on this blog how much I love those days out with KfW2 and how much they mean to me, especially when I have something I want to talk about. 

So, yeah, I couldn't fit into my suit. I needed something quickly. The funeral was within 48 hours. I tried on a cheap suit at my local shopping centre's Marks and Spencer and that's when the reality hit: the smallest suit to fit me was at least 2 sizes bigger than the current suit.

It took less than a second for me to make up my mind. I bought the cheap suit hoping that I'd only need to wear it once, that I was going to start trying to lose weight in earnest. And I did. 

It took me nearly 20 months to get roughly to where I wanted to be. I haven't actually hit my target goal, but I'm only a couple of pounds away from it, but I've kind of found some kind of equilibrium. I don't know that I can lose more without massively increasing my exercise. And I don't know if I want to. I can lose more: I'm currently right at the very top of the ideal weight range for someone of my height and age, but I'm really happy with where I am.

And I might still have to buy another suit. I've now lost so much weight that my favourite suit still doesn't fit me, but for more positive reasons. 

Hello, goodbye.

I got through a lot of socialising yesterday. I'd list the names of those in attendance, a lot of which would be familiar to readers of this blog, but the ones I wanted to call out were KfW2 and G. I also didn't do as much mingling as I perhaps should have. I pretty much neglected some family, though not on purpose.

When KfW2 was leaving, she promised to call today, so I'm hoping to hear from her. I might also be meeting G again this evening for a few quiet drinks. That'd also be welcome.

Too long.

GM called round last night. That's the first I've seen him in, I dunno, maybe 18 months. And it kinda made me a bit sad. GM needs a friend, but by his own admission, is useless at staying in contact. He's still getting over his last breakup which has cost him a friend group, he's facing his own issues with mental health and family. More socialising would help him a lot, I think, and I think he realises that too.

We settled in for a chat, and were still going after two and a half hours. And it wasn't small talk, it was a proper chat. That's why I liked spending time with GM. It's the kind of chat I don't get from many other people. Offhand, I can only think of G and KfW2 where we actually get into the meat and drink of the things we talk about, and I don't have that enough in my life, I think.

Having recognised his inability to be in contact more, will that change? I'm pessimistic. GM has admitted his uselessness before while at the same time desiring more in-person time with his friends. Is this a genuine turning point or just the same thing again?

Talk back.

I did send out the messages to The Crowd and D, FBS etc. and got the messages back that I'd expected. I think GM said that he'd call round to see me. On a side note, while I've spoken to KfW2 a couple of times, I'm a little sad she hasn't actually visited.

I will see her tomorrow, albeit only for a few minutes, but it'll be great to see her.  

D'oh!

I was chatting to KfW2 earlier and I realised that I needed to share some news with The Crowd and D, FBS etc. So I've fired off a quick WhatsApp message to all of them, to keep them updated.

Plot twist.

Until yesterday, part of me had expected KfW2 to invite CC to our dinner and drinks. It was a gut feeling. I was getting the same vibes as I had done from a few years ago where KfW2 refused to commit to a time for dinner and when I tried to book something, options were limited.

When I offered her the choice of where to go and the times, she threw a huff and shared that she'd also invited CC, and we ultimately met for dinner at a restaurant near her house (20 miles away) and that was it - no drinks after or anything.

So, yeah, given her inability/reluctance to nail down a time for dinner, I was getting those vibes again. 

But then it turns out that I'd forgotten that CC's in Portugal with GB. A fact that I was only reminded about when GB posted on Facebook. Lots of pictures of food, no pictures of CC in a bikini.

So...

The decision was taken out of my hands... ish. KfW2 phoned and we chatted. I shared the news and she immediately offered to rain check. That was never in doubt, really. She might be flaky when it comes to nights out but she's understanding and empathetic, and that's why I value our time together, and alone, because when I do open up, she's always there.

Finally!

It's only taken a week and FOUR requests, but KfW2 has, at last, told me when she's free this weekend. I've managed to book the restaurant and now I pivot to a different kind of stress. Will she be on time? 

Oh, and she's invited someone out to join us after food. They may or may not come out. Sigh. I'm really disappointed that she doesn't get it by now, that getting her out, on her own, is a big deal to me. It was only a few days ago that I told her I was really looking forward to this night out.

I have news to share. It's not good news, though it's not unexpected. But it's the type of news that, once shared, would make anyone feel guilty that meeting up, face to face, is this much work. It's news that she will want to know.

But, y'know, even with it all, I'm looking forward to it, to seeing her and having at least an hour or so to ourselves at the very least. 

What time is it?

One of the last things I wanted to accomplish today was to nail down a time for Saturday for meeting KfW2 for dinner and drinks. Regular readers will know that this is always an issue when do manage top agree on a date. KfW2 has a blind spot for this and I always have to ask several times for her to tell me what time she's free. Like really force it out of her.

I'm single and free all weekend. She's married with kids, so has a husband and the kids to work around. It's not like I can simply book something and she can work round it. For all I know, she wants a mid-afternoon start and a mid-evening finish. And I'd be all for that. But it could be a lunchtime thing (I hope not) or an actual evening thing (very unlikely).

I've already asked her twice and I am just off the phone, having left a voicemail, to make three times in total over the last six days. So that's three times in total I've explicitly asked her for a time. Sigh. 

Who are you?

I didn't get the stuff done today that I was planning yesterday, but it wasn't due to laziness. Rather, I got sidetracked into doing some house stuff like prepping the garden for winter:, packing up the garden furniture, mowing and trimming the lawn etc.

It actually makes sense that I do the other stuff tomorrow because I might have to make some phone calls. The downside is that I might have to take tomorrow off, if I want to get everything done, because they're not the kind of tasks I can do in 5 mins if I get some quite time while working.

I did sleep well last night and woke refreshed this morning. I do recall a dream, or at least a bit of a dream that featured CAB. In the dream I was at a party, possibly at KfW2's house, and she introduced to me a friend. When I looked up, her friend was standing with his "plus one" who was CAB who, for some reason, didn't recognise me.

I don't remember a lot more about the dream than that, but it provoked a smile when I recalled it when I woke. And a little nostalgia about CAB, of course. 

Out and about.

I spoke with Ideas Girl today. She's part of our social committee, so she knows what's going on, what's being organised etc. Sadly, we're not having a Christmas party. We haven't had one since pre-Covid and I haven't been to one since, I dunno, 2016 maybe? But I quite liked the idea of getting dressed up again and putting on my suit.

And there's no work thing this month. Well, there is, but it's not our usual trip to the pub and it's on a Saturday night. Quiet Girl said she didn't know if she would go, but I'm already booked up. It's the same day that I'm taking KfW2 out for dinner.

Speaking of that, we've finally chosen a restaurant. It's one of KfW2's favourites, which I knew, but we try and go somewhere new and I couldn't think of anywhere. I might have posted before that KfW2 rarely makes decisions about these things.

All we need to do now is figure out a time. I'd prefer to meet late afternoon and maybe go to mid/late evening rather than an afternoon start and dinner time finish or a late start and late finish. But kfW2 is the one with commitments, so I've asked her. 

Feeling off.

I've been feeling off over the past 48 hours or so. I'm struggling a little to make sense of it. I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed, and that's being fed by the house stuff that I need to do and the logistics around that. 

The family stuff hasn't helped and it's ongoing - it'll take up some of my time today and tomorrow for sure. I took all last week as annual leave, but I don't feel recharged in the same way that I did with a week off at the start of July. There's other stuff going on as well, but I can't identify what it is or how to process it.

There might be an element of work stuff, but work's OK at the moment. It's just a general long-term worry that I have.

And the result, when I'm feeling this way, is that the loneliness kicks in. At least part of it is a need or desire to talk to someone. Someone close to me, but not family. Talking to my sister doesn't really scratch that itch. The night out with KfW2 will help, as long as there's no mucking about. And I haven't ruled that out and it's still 2 weeks away.

Out and about.

FBS messaged last night. Not specifically to me, but in the group chat with D and Friction Guy. So we could potentially have a night out in October.

That means that before the end of October I could have about 4 nights out. Next Friday, I'm out with my sister at a pub quiz. the following week, I'm out with KfW2. Potentially there's a work night out at the end of September, and if not, a near-guaranteed one in October.

Plus this planned October night with FBS etc. 

I'm looking forward to them all.