Dream a little dream.

I can't remember the last time I actually thought about CB, beyond maybe some comparisons with someone I've seen in the street or a bar.

I did dream about her last night, though, and the dream was extremely sexual. I don't know that I've ever thought about CB in any way other than a) she's pretty and b) I'd love to get to meet her to see if there was mutual attraction.

That's what happens with girlfriend crushes. I was the same way with FA2 until we actually ended up in bed.

But the dream last night was different. It just seemed to involve CB and I having lots of sex. There was no other real background that I am aware of.

As I said at the start of the post, it's been a while since I gave CB any real thought, so her appearing in my dreams last night in such a way is a surprise. It has also led to a fairly frustrating day.

Finally!

So, at long last, I've gotten the performance review that I wanted. It has greatly increased my chances of a promotion and, as a result, a pay rise.

In my opinion, this should have happened years ago, but when you're fighting against blatant favouritism and internal politics, what can you do?

And after fighting so long for it, I should feel happier. But most of me thinks "why did it take so long?" and obviously I feel that I've had to work twice as hard, twice as long just to get the recognition.

Ah well. Onwards and upwards - it's going to be a social weekend!

Giggles.

Ideas Girl appeared at my desk for a chat today. She does this sometimes if she wants to kill time because she knows I'll chat.

We were talking about an upcoming work night. The usual monthly one. The committee are trying a new pub this time out, just down the road from the CB Pub. She claims it wasn't her idea (she's part of the organising committee). It was her friend's idea. She told me her friend's name.

"Ah. She was drunk at the Xmas party and my boss took her home!"

IG looked worried.

"That doesn't sound like her"

"She was definitely drunk!"

Then it hit me.

"Ah. Maybe I should have said that my boss made sure she got home"

While the first sentence was correct (they shared a taxi as they live quite close to each other), it was misconstrued.

"Yeah. She was drunk. She was feeling me up at the Xmas party. I've not been felt up like that in over a year!"

"Well then, feed her full of booze at the event and you'll get some action." I quipped.

I do tease IG quite a bit now that she's started behaving herself. She was having none of it.

Close but no cigar.

A new feature in Tinder seems to be to give you a free shot at seeing who has swiped right on you. I don;t know if this is something that is available to all members or just those who don't get any matches.

Anyway, the screen popped up today - choose one of four people who have swiped on me. You don't see these people until you pick one.

JACKPOT!

Well, kinda. Not any of the ones I've seen previously and liked (e.g. the two minor celebrities) but an extremely attractive brunette nonetheless.She seems interesting and is around my age.  I've not seen her on Tinder before.

Then it become obvious why.

She is 5432 km away. The puts her around Washington, DC or Toronto. Bugger.

Why is everything crap?

Maybe not the world's most serious complaint and a very definite dose of First World Problems, but I've been looking at replacing some stuff that I have in the house. I have an electric razor that's on its last legs, and I've been looking around for a replacement. If I remember correctly, my sister bought me the last one as a "going away" present when I went abroad after university and it cost about £50 at the time.

To find one that does the same has been problematic... not all razors have the same features as my current once and to get those, I would need to pay nearly £90. Nearly double the price, well over fifteen years later. Surely that's not right?

It's a similar story with my TV. I bought my current TV when I moved in with UF and I might have to replace it soon. TV technology has improved since then, so things like screen size, picture quality etc. are all going to be better, but can I find a television that has the same number of connections for HDMI outputs and all that stuff? No, I can't, dear reader. FFS.

Culmination.

It's the moment of truth this week - my performance review for last year. I'm expecting top marks and a promotion. I think my performances over the past few years have warranted a promotion, but sadly our performance system is not a meritocracy... it's built on personality and favouritism.

According to my boss, in teams where there are lots of high performers, he likes to share out the rewards. Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy have both been the recipient of the rewards over the past few years. This year should be my year.

Regardless of it being my "turn", I actually have done excellently last year.

I'm not interested in the promotion though. It's just a means to getting a semi-decent pay-rise, and that's all I really want. Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy earn significantly more than I do, and I want pay parity for doing the same job to the same standards.

I'll not get pay parity - work is not in the habit of simply giving out 20% pay rises - but I would like that gap to close.

The thing is, I have a gut feeling that I wont get the marks I am anticipating. KfW2 has already said that if I don't, she'll help me with my HR appeal. I have a sneaking suspicion that we'll be having a private chat later this week.

Boxes.

I was thinking the other day about a lot of things - friends, my sister and brother-in-law's opinion that I am weird/autistic, work and a few other topics.

Specifically, I was thinking about how I have a habit of boxing/categorising things and not letting them bleed into other things.

A good example are the people who have managed me in my various work places. I view them as my managers. That's their role in my life. They're not co-workers and they're not friends (regardless of how well we get along.) In my entire professional career, covering many workplaces, countries and industries, I've only ever regarded one manager to be a friend.

Friends is another thing. I don't regard CC to be a friend, for example. We're people who know each other, even though we often do dinner dates etc. KfW2's husband, too. He's KfW2's husband. We get along really well and stuff, but "friends" is not the category I first think to put him in.

Attraction as well. I've had the conversation with GM and GB about the types of attraction - girlfriend, FwB, pure lust etc. It's rare that I'll see someone as, say, a FwB, then change my mind. My initial reaction almost never changes.

There are exceptions to all these rules. KfW2 herself, for example. She's most definitely a friend. I've mentioned the one manager who was more than that.

But whatever triggered that line of thought a few days ago (I think it's the upcoming performance reviews) has led me to ponder this categorisation thing quite a bit over the past few days.

Bad friend.

"Have you spoken to your friend E recently?" asked KfW2 a few days ago.

I haven't and I realised that it's been months since we last had any contact on Facebook. We swap brief messages from time to time. I'd hesitate to call it a conversation, but we are in touch on an infrequent basis.

I feel guilty it's not more, that I don't arrange Skype calls like we used to do, but our crossover time is very limited, especially with commitments she has with her family.

I'll send her a message tomorrow.

I do miss her though.

Memories.

For some inexplicable reason, I had a memory of FA2 today. Years ago, long before I actually met her in the flesh, London Girl and I used to chat on IRC quite frequently, along with some other people. I had e-introduced FA2 to her and they had chatted infrequently as well. There had been a few times when they chatted when I was out playing football, so part of me always suspected that FA2 was trying to suss out London Girl.

One Saturday afternoon, I was chatting with London Girl when FA2 came into the room, sat on my lap, kissed me and proceeded to take things into very hot and steamy territory.

It was quite a while later when I got back to the chat to see a string of private messages from London Girl demanding to know why I'd gone quiet in the middle of a conversation.

I never told her that FA2 had fucked me in front of the PC, while I sat on the chair in her home office. I wonder how she'd have reacted?

Time after time.

I had a brilliant time at KfW2's last night. I managed to get very drunk and it was well after 3 AM when I took myself to bed. Ordinarily, when I go to KfW2's, I get a taxi home. It's not cheap... it can be £30, depending on the driver etc.

However, it robs me of half a day. I was going to get the mid-morning bus, but then I was offered a lift home. That's fine. A door to door trip for me is about an hour, or it's a 25 minute car journey. Today, I didn't get back into the house until after 3 PM. That was mainly down to KfW2's time planning, I think.

I get the feeling that KfW2's disappointed when I don't stay over. I know the kids definitely are. But I like my own bed and I don't like hanging around the day after.

Out of the blue

Sooo... at KfW2's last night, she asked me to babysit for her. The date she mentioned would put it pretty much on the third anniversary of the last time we had a night out together. I'm going to do it - I get along brilliantly with her kids and this isn't a complaint per se... just more of a wistful thought.

Oh no.

Quiet Girl admitted to me at lunch time that she had applied for another job, internally. She's pissed off with the people she works with, but loves the people she works beside. I fall into that latter category.

Additionally, she knows the person who advertised the internal job and she wants to work with Quiet Girl. Quiet Girl doesn't particularly want the job itself, but it's a promotion and a pay rise and there's no chance of her effecting change where she is currently. And, as seems to be the way these days, the path would be smoothed for her, given the admission of the girl who posted the advert. If she gets the job, that'll be half a dozen people who have gotten promotions through who they know.

Anyhoo, I told her that if she did move, she'd be missed. And she would - she's excellent at her job.

Sadly, that means I wouldn't get my Wednesday morning fix of QG in yoga pants. Or watch her amble to and from the kitchen when she makes coffee. Or generally enjoy having a chat with her.

Hmmm...

I've been a bad friend. CC has been dealing with some mental health issues over the past few months. While I've been texting and stuff, I've not actually spoken to her either in person or over the phone. KfW2 saw her recently and was telling me that she's in a bad way.

"CC's got no boobs any more, she's lost that much weight"

That's some statement. CC is renowned for having a massive rack, even after a good 18 months of gym going and cleaner eating. I raised an eyebrow. KfW2 nodded.

"She's in a bad way"

I feel guilty. CC can be self-obsessed at times... a lot of the time, in fact. But she's still my friend. From what I can gather, a lot of her demons are coming from the breakup with her boyfriend last year. She was already dealing with other stuff via medication and counselling, so that may well be the straw that broke the camel's back.

I'll give her a call at the weekend.

Time saving.

KfW2 has often gone to extreme lengths for small gains. Over the past few years, she's been shaving minutes off her commute to work. The first change, the big one, was to change from public transport to using her own car. She looked at the figures - times taken plus cost - and compared them both.

Strangely, the cost wasn't that much different. The big savings were in the time she would save. If she took public transport, she'd walk 20 minutes to the bus, the bus would take 45 minutes to get to the city, then another 20 minutes from the bus terminus to the office, each way.

If she took the car to the city limits (25 minutes) and get the city service (15 minutes), she'd save 90 minutes per day.

Then she decided she still needed to save money, so instead of taking the city bus service, she'd park slower to work. So then her car journey was 30 minutes and her walk to work was 20 minutes. She'd save nearly £5 each day, though.

And now that's not enough, so she leaves the house over an hour earlier to beat rush hour traffic and has found a new parking space. She claims she saves so much time, but when she mentions the actual details, her commute isn't that much shorter, if at all: the car journey is 30 minutes again and her walk is 15 minutes.

Sadly, this most recent change means that we don't travel to work a few times per week any more. No more free lift for Ruuude, but most importantly, the half an hour or so we'd spend together twice a week was a chance to catch up and chat. That's now gone. Bearing in mind, I've already mentioned that her new job is keeping her unavailable, our contact is pretty minimal these days (at least compared to what it used to be).

We didn't see each other at all over the Christmas holiday period.

We're just seeing each other less and less, and communicating less frequently.

I don't like it, but there's nothing I can do about it.

Sigh.

KfW2 must be feeling guilty. She's just invited me down to hers on Saturday night for dinner and drinks... However, in true KfW2 fashion, she's done that usual thing where, when she invites me down purely for something social (i.e. not babysitting), KfW2's husband's best friend is also invited. I think I've said before that when that happens, it makes me feel like I am ticking a box for her. I never hear of the best friend being there without someone else.

As I've said many times before, it's been far too long since we had a night out, just the two of us, so what has happened today just saddens me.

And so...

I took KfW2 out for lunch earlier. It's something we do from time to time and it was my turn to treat her. I pay, she chooses when and where and vice versa. The last time it was my treat, KfW2 had forgotten about a meeting and we had to rush lunch and head back to the office.

KfW2 chose today because she had meetings for the rest of the week. Except, KfW2 did have a meeting today, so we had an hour for lunch. And the place she chose was 20 minutes walk away.

What should have been a leisurely lunch and a proper chance to have a chat and catch up in a nice gastropub with a drink became a rushed affair and a walk back to the office that was so swift it might have been a jog.

Despite apologising and thanking me for lunch numerous times, it was still hugely frustrating. KfW2 just doesn't have good time management skills.

Eye contact

I walked into the bar, the CB bar, to meet FP. He'd arrived before me and was seated at the bar. As I approached, I saw a girl standing close to him. She was stunning. Looks-wise, she was a combination of CB, KfW2, the actress Lauren Stamile and a girl who often crops up on Tinder. I mean, wow. Figure-wise, she was small, slim and had a couple of really nice tattoos. A brunette with a wavy bob haircut.

Sadly, FP's choice of seat meant that the stunning looking woman wasn't in my line of sight, but I saw enough to know that she was, if not in a relationship, then on a date. It looked in its very early stages whatever it was.

FP and I talked. We covered the usual bases.

Then suddenly, another attractive brunette caught my eye. A familiar one. Someone who works for the same company that I do. Our eyes met and I gave a nod of recognition. She stared back. Did she not recognise me? Is she just rude? I can't say. This happened several times as she made her way to the bar or the ladies room. Weird.

Oh dear.

Facebook reminded me that it's the seventh anniversary of the night I made initial moves with GM and GB to see if we could figure out how to turn our acquaintance with MFF into, well, something with CB. An introduction? A blind date? I'm still disappointed nothing came of it.

If I recall, it ended up being rather drunken, helping GM get rid of the last of his Christmas beer, including some rather strong Belgian beer. And it was a Monday night then, as well. That didn't end well.

Just stuff

Slowly, but surely, Quiet Girl is starting to open up. The move to the desk near mine has helped. Not just me, but her too. We're a more social bunch of people, there's more chat, more offers to interact. She's still quiet, but there is evidence that she's speaking up more, getting more involved.

Today on the bus, she even called out my name and pointed to the empty seat beside her.

It's something I'm good at - getting people together. One of my old bosses brought me into his team purely to bring a group of individuals together as a team. I did it too. I hadn't realised that it was something I did until he explained it all to me. Only then did I recognise it.

Even without the fact that I think Quiet Girl is really cute, I'd be trying to include her in the office banter. It helps make the day more fun, doesn't it?

Dreams

KfW2 emigrated to NZ. That was the basis of last night's dream. It wasn't current KfW2 though, but KfW2 from several years ago, when she had her hair cut short. There was no husband, no family, just KfW2. There was also some weird geographical issue. Even though KfW2 was living and working  in NZ, she still managed to come home at weekends and we'd chat and I'd bemoan her absence. She explained that she needed a new challenge, I explained that I understood, but that didn't mean I didn't miss her while she was gone. The entire dream was based around these chats and followed that rough format.

This is actually reflective of stuff that's been on my mind recently. I've been acutely aware that KfW2 and I are growing apart - we're spending even less time together than we used to and any time we do we're either in work, or I'm doing her a favour (i.e. babysitting). It's kinda funny because I remember the last time we had an adult night out together (nearly three years ago) and KfW2 drunkenly, but sombrely and sincerely, made me promise that if I ever met someone that our friendship wouldn't change.

Ironically, it's the changes in her life that are moving us apart.

I've also been thinking about new jobs and travel as well, trying to see what this year might hold.

Waking from the dream this morning wasn't great. January blues are bad enough without having a dream like that and waking to feel that lonely and upset.

For a laugh (Part 3)

E's Sister and I have been messaging all evening on Facebook and it's hard work. I don't think she does text conversations too well. Or she doesn't do my text conversations too well. In person, we spark off each other, bantering away and have a great laugh. Via text and it's completely different. Hard work.

She will joke and be cheeky, but when I'm cheeky back, it's as if she takes me literally.

For a laugh (Part 2)

E's sister replied to my message. She was enthusiastic. She's been chatting to a few people, having only rejoined a few days ago.

This is much better than the last time, she added. She got no chat at all - numerous matches, but no chats and therefore no dates.

Still, she's had more success in the past three days than I've had in, well, probably six or seven years of using Tinder. A couple of matches that have led to ongoing conversations? I can't even remember how many matches I've had. Less than half a dozen, I think.

If she gets a date, then she'll definitely be "winning".

Looking forward.

There will be change this year, guaranteed.

First of all, professionally, things will change. The team I am currently working in is in a state of flux. If I do nothing, I will probably end up working with the same people at the end of the year, albeit using completely new tools and on different things. If I am pro-active, then this will mean a move to a new team or even department. The way things currently are, I'd prefer to have a new start. I want away from Brusque Guy and Stalky Guy as I am being held back by being in their shadow. I mean, I shouldn't be in their shadow - I'm better than they are in lots of things, I just can't turn that into recognition from managers.

There's also an outside chance that I may even move company. A friend and ex-colleague of mine has hinted that there may be openings in the place he now works. If I can get an interview, and get through it (this scares me an awful lot), then that could mean a quite substantial pay rise. While it's not like I'm poorly paid now, nor am I skint come month-end (though there's not a lot left over for luxuries), the pay rise implied would open up lots of things (e.g. travel and house stuff) and probably need a brand new "goals" post to document everything I want to do.

There's also the usual ambitions to lose weight, get fitter and meet new people, but those are minor compared to the professional changes and what that may bring.

And so, I'd like to wish you all a belated Happy New Year. I hope that 2020 beings you good health and fortune.

Lookalikes (Part 2)

And in another coincidence, on a forum on which I am a member, someone posted this picture of actress, Charlotte Hope. I've never heard of her before, but there's a resemblance to K in the picture below. 

Lookalikes.

Mrs FC sent through a picture taken on NYE that included me, Mrs FC, Mrs FC's sister and another girl. I've met Mrs FC's sister loads of times - she's really nice, if a little difficult to talk to. However, in the picture I was sent, I noticed a resemblance to Emily VanCamp, an actress, whom I hadn't seen much of before.

For a laugh.

Doing some swiping on Bumble earlier and who did I come across, but E's Sister. Of course I swiped right. You have to when you see someone you know, don't you? It's not an expectation of dating, just for the laugh really.

That's not to say that I don't find her attractive (she is) or that I haven't thought about it (I have, though usually when drunk and when E is not about).

I sent her a message on Facebook as well, just to see how she's getting on.

Party time!

It turned out to be a great night. FC and Mrs FC had other friends out (including Mrs FC's little sister). I drank too much beer, danced with Mrs FC and generally just had a good time. Surprisingly, apart from FC and Mrs FC, I didn't know anyone else in the bar. I usually bump into someone I know but not last night...

That was until Nerdy Girl arrived, just before midnight. We hugged and had a quick chat, then she went off to find her friends.

I tried to find her again after midnight for a chat, but she had disappeared.

I put my headphones in and walked home after saying goodbye to FC and Mrs FC.