ruuude's adventures in online dating.

The thing with online dating is that it can be quite depressing. You find a cute girl and you click on her profile to see if she's got anything interesting or funny to say (cos looks are important, but they're not the only thing that matters).

"No pic, no reply"

Sigh. Listen, love, there are message settings that enable you to actually restrict people from sending you messages unless they have images on display. Use this instead of whining about it. You save yourself and the sender both time and hassle. Plus, your profile waffle doesn't then scream of condescension and superiority - we're all there to meet new people.

Also... I know all the big girls might be saying it, but if you're not actually going to display a picture yourself, then it's a bit hypocritical of you to make that bold claim above (or have it as a mail setting). Catch a grip.

"If you don't get a reply, you're just not my type".

Writing messages on the internet may be a lot easier than approaching someone in real life (trust me, it is), but that doesn't mean that any message with a bit of thought should be ignored and a little courtesy can be expected, no? If we all had a little bit of courtesy, I bet we'd all find it easier to meet someone. It's unfortunate, as a bloke, that online dating is very much a female-orientated arena, but I don't think that means we simply forget our manners.

"I'm back on here..."

The first rule of online dating is that you don't mention online dating.

"You can't handle me at my worst..." Or any motivational quote.

No. Just no.

The thing is, the stuff above is not new. I can't be bothered digging out the post or if it even exists, but I'm nearly sure these are similar complaints to when I briefly dipped my toe into the online dating world before. It should be a positive thing, but you just end up getting more and more depressed at the futility of it. If it's not the same identikit profiles (you love staying in AND going out?), it's just the negativity mentioned above.

This time, I think I'm better prepared emotionally. I'm not expecting to get any dates, so anything that comes from it can be regarded as a success and there even is an outside chance (I reckon 1% or less) that I might even get into a conversation with CB. What won't happen this time around though, is for my self-confidence to take a beating.

This is how you do it.

Time taken for GB to talk to MFF about CB after volunteering: two and a half months.
Time taken for KfW2 to talk to GB about CB after volunteering: one and a half days

Sadly, though unsurprisingly, there were no real advancements. KfW2 simply reiterated the stuff that I (finally) managed to get out of GB last year - MFF spoke to CB's sister and, well, that's it.

GB did offer up the opinion that she believes that CB's sister never had the conversation at all, but that's hearsay. She also made a snide remark about me getting KfW2 to do my dirty work for me. The "snide" bit is simply interpretation on my part. The last comment was told through KfW2, who explained to GB that this was her idea, but 'confessed' that I'd spotted CB on Match and was reluctant to make contact without more information. Oh, and I say 'confessed' because no-one really knows that I am doing online dating beyond KfW2 and USHW. I'm not keeping it secret as such, but I'm not telling everyone about it either. The result of KfW2 and GB's chat was advice to message CB, which I will take, even though I think it's a very outside bet. At this stage though, I'm probably willing to settle for her viewing my profile... that, at least, would indicate that she's read the message and is not interested enough to reply.

Dear GB: this is what friends do. Try it more often. Regards, ruuude.

Anyway, I haven't been that pro-active on Match.com since I activated my subscription, so tonight I will have a good look about the site and see who to message (on top of CB, that is).

And it's done...

I was talking to KfW2 yesterday and today about my online dating exploits this week (or lack of activity). I explained about seeing both Date No. 1 and CB's profiles and she was, naturally, quite excited. She asked if I was going to send a message to CB. I explained that, as she hadn't logged onto the site in months, I didn't know if it was really worth my bother and, I added, I didn't know how far things had gone with GB and MFF, so didn't want to appear to be a man who couldn't take "no" for an answer.

KfW2 offered to talk to GB for me. I was hesitant. I don't want to be seen to be focussing on one person all the time, even if this blog suggests otherwise, but at the same time, she's someone I am attracted to and if there are options open to me, why not take them?

I said that I'd think it over and get back to her, but pretty much as soon as we'd finished our phone call and I'd hung up, I sent a text. Go for it, I told her. It could well be that options open up for me off Match.com, but if not and she is still single and looking, I'll fire her a message.

But for now, I'm already oscillating between optimism, some embarrassment and a healthy dose of "ohfuckohfuckohfuck".

Curiouser and curiouser (Part 2)

And so, going back to my "Viewed Me" history on Match, the dodgy looking accounts who supposedly viewed me a few days ago are all gone.

Very, very weird.

Curiouser and curiouser.

There have always been rumours floating around that Match aren't entirely kosher and they have many, many fake profiles used for artificially inflating activity levels etc. to make the site more attractive (and to lure people into paying) and to be honest, while there are aspects of Match.com that I don't like (paying customers cannot see who's subscribed and who hasn't, would be my main complaint).

So, see below for the overviews of four profiles that have viewed me over the past 24 hours.

Do you notice something about them? The thing is, when you go into the profiles themselves, they're about 99% identical and none of them have any descriptive blurb attached to them. When I went back in my "Viewed Me" history to see where "Anna" and "Julia" had gone to, imagine my surprise when they're no longer listed and if I hadn't screenshotted that last night, there'd be no evidence. I wonder if I log in tomorrow, will "Anita" and "Sara" have disappeared too? That's four "views" on my profile that look as if they've come from dodgy profiles. Who knows how many others there are?

Gah.

I awoke this morning with a barely remembered dream that, if I have the details correct, involved CH, FBS and a sun holiday on a boat.

Suffice to say, I've spent the entire day feeling rather frustrated.

Pondering, pondering.

I wish I could say that the online dating (with KfW2's support) was in full swing, but it's not. Out of over 700 profiles on Plenty of Fish, I saw perhaps a dozen that excited me and had cute women within my age range.

I have had three people message me, but the messages break every single rule of online dating.

"Hey"

That's it. That's the opening gambit of three different women.

In the week and a half since I have been a member, fourteen women have looked at my profile. At least, fourteen women have allowed me to see that they've viewed my profile.

I'm not going to complain or moan about that... until recently I didn't have any pictures up on that site. I guess part of me didn't want GB knowing I was doing online dating after being annoyed with her for most of last year and she has a profile that appears to be somewhat active. In fact, I didn't really want anyone knowing that I was doing online dating, mainly so I could go about it without fuss or pressure (kinda ironic since KfW2 has been busting my balls about it), but you know what I mean.

I've messaged two women, with no reply. One was very cute - I showed USHW her profile and she said that she saw CB in her profile pictures. Personally, I don't see it, but I did admit that I got a very CB-like vibe off the profile in general.

To slightly branch out, I (re)joined Match.com over the weekend and already I have had one hundred views of my profile, two messages (though I have yet to subscribe so cannot really say if they're promising), four members have marked me as a favourite.

I don't trust Match.com though - I'm sure many of those hundred views don't even originate in my country, never mind my locality, though a quick browse through the members list seems to indicate a lot more profiles that are more appealing to me, including CB, though she has not logged in for a few months according to the site.

I showed CB's profile to USHW who had already seen some pictures due to some Facebook stalking (of her own, not just mine) and she couldn't believe that CB is the same age as I am.

That started a conversation between USHW and myself about whether or not to message her. I don't believe anything would come from it and would, actually, just be another avenue with an ambiguous outcome. I would rather see if there was an opportunity to do something in the real world that should have better odds on success. To clarify, if I send a message, there's a remote possibility that she'd log in and not be able to read the message - that requires a subscription. Therefore there would be no reply and I'd be clueless if she didn't reply cos she's not interested or if she couldn't read the message to begin with.

KfW2 knows about CB, or she knows about one or two specific incidents (GB, the original New Year's Eve spotting) but nothing more. I'm wondering if I should let her know that CB has a profile on Match.com. I daresay her suggestion will be simply to send a message, and she will mistake my reluctance to do so with shyness. After all, that's the whole reason she's pushed the online dating thing - she thinks I can't talk to women.

Even without that little quandary, the two profiles are now as complete as they're going to be. I'll give it a couple of months - if nothing's started to happen by then, it won't and I'll pull the plug and let KfW2 take me out for a drink.

Here we go again.

As part of my flirting with CH and teasing about her promise to find me a woman, we'd agreed to talk at this month's usual work thing. I had previously agreed a "payment" for any promising women I got an introduction to. I don't know how seriously she was taking the conversation, but after her promise in the summer last year, I was hoping we'd be able to talk about it and see if she was going to do something about it.

Or, you know, just  resort back to the flirting and surreptitious touching that's happened for about the past eighteen months.

But just today when it was mentioned, CH admitted that she's "out with the girls" that night instead.

Sigh.

2014 Goals.

It's slightly later than usual, but I have some goals that I want to achieve or start this year. This year feels different somehow, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

The major goal, which might not be completed this year, but will be started, is buying a place of my own. At some point over the next few weeks, I will sit down, examine my financial situation and plot my course of action. There's an outside chance that I could pull everything together this year,  but the reality is that it will probably be 2015. I will need to put together a savings plan, syphon off money into a savings account and start thinking about having less disposable income, but a place of my own.

The fitness thing will raise its head again - I need to do something, but I still seem to be increasingly injury prone, so much so that the last time I went to the gym (a few months ago), I had to step off the treadmill after 100m (simulated) with yet another injury. So, my plan is to try some stretching - I've found a yoga programme that seems to be a hybrid of Yoga, Traditional Fitness, Sports Therapy and Dynamic Resistance. That should mean I can do stuff, right here without annoying the neighbours by jumping up and down. Then I should be able to get back into proper sport to keep fit rather then the gym, which I don't particularly like.

The third thing, which is kinda underway, ties into a secondary goal that I've had for a few years, on and off: to meet someone. This time, that isn't the goal directly, but the goal is to become comfortable talking to people I don't know whether they be platonic strangers or potential pickups (though the latter is by far a bigger problem). As I said above, that's sort of under-way with KfW2's help at the moment, though I need to talk to her to adjust the focus.

And that's about it, really. I don't even have any secondary goals this year. If I can address those three above, and the first two aren't that difficult, just willpower needed, then I will have accomplished what I set out to do.

More "oh dear".

There's not a day goes past where KfW2 doesn't ask if I've had any contact on Plenty of Fish. As it happens, two women have been in contact. Both of their opening messages were simply "Hey" and a smiley face.

I've replied, because I am polite and because it bugs me when you don't even get the courtesy of a "no thanks", but I've no intention of meeting either of them and I don't want to waste their time by giving them cause to think that I might. For the record, I haven't done either of those - after swapping a few messages, I've effectively ended the conversation.

KfW2 is giving me cause for concern though. She wants me to initiate conversations with people on the dating sites and has set me a "goal" of two people this week. My problem, as I've kinda explained above, is that unless I actually want to meet someone, I don't feel right in starting a conversation I know I'll be ending. I don't want to waste anyone's time. As well as that, if there isn't a combo of a nice profile picture and and interesting profile, then I struggle with motivation of actually sending a message.

My own experiences from online dating a few years ago have only reinforced my attitude towards this. In fact, my theory is that a bit more respect and common decency around any online dating website would greatly improve its success. While I have no qualms about dipping my toes back in, and despite some reticence (none of my pictures are on display yet), I think I can manage my expectations better this time around.

Actually sending the messages once these boxes are ticked isn't an issue. I've never had any issues in communicating with people online - I'm still in contact with R, USHW, A, F and K and my friendship with those people has been 99% online (that's because of geography, not an actual choice).

I've met KfW2's goal already - I've found a couple of cute looking, interesting women and sent initial messages. I've not had any reply as of yet, nor do I expect one (see: managing my expectations).

But now, KfW2 has slightly changed her tune. One girl who initiated contact with has a reasonably interesting profile. She's not unattractive (KfW2 thinks she's really pretty), but I'm not feeling any connection. I think that KfW2 has started hinting that I suggest meeting up with her.

KfW2 already knows that I am choosy and having gone through hundreds of profiles, you can count the number who I'd consider contacting on the fingers and thumbs of two hands.

I need to sit down and explain things to KfW2 and I've been planning to do it for the past few days, but opportunities for privacy are few and far between in work. I need to tell her (or she needs to know) that talking to people online is not my problem... my problem is twofold:

• Meeting people that interest me romantically/sexually (I could go on and on about CB, but the reality is, she's the only one I can remember in the past few years, but I've already mentioned this and my annoyance with GB to KfW2).
• Talking to these people (KfW2 knows all about this, hence this whole operation)

I'm going to try and get this sorted ASAP. I don't want KfW2 getting ideas about meeting these random people I'm supposedly messaging.

Oh dear.

The plan that KfW2 came up with in relation to on-line dating was that I would go to her house, she would cook dinner and we'd sort it all out.

Maybe I was being naive but I'd assumed that KfW2 was going to do some research. After all, the entire brief was that she was going to do my profile. I had assumed that my descriptive text would read "Hello, I'm KfW2 and you should totally meet ruuude because..." and then give her point of view.

That works for me as a female selling a male to other females makes sense, plus it's an unusual profile, which is a help. I certainly remember reading women's profiles on Match.com and Plenty of Fish that could only appeal to other women... and these descriptions weren't uncommon.

Ultimately, I did all the work. I wrote the profile and while KfW2 was there to offer encouragement of sorts, it hadn't exactly turned out as I had assumed. Now, don't ask me what I assumed KfW2 was going to do exactly... with KfW2 driving the whole thing, I'd kept a back seat and had mentioned a few times that she was in control.

Leaving her house later that night and returning home, I felt a bit deflated. It wasn't really the outcome that I had wanted, but at the same time, I'm not entirely sure I knew what I expected to happen, if that makes sense. I kinda just went along with the optimism (mine) and the excitement (KfW2's).

The time wasn't a total waste - in setting up a profile, we chatted about various things - personality traits, opinions on relationships etc. and in the couple of hours we had on our own before KfW2's husband came back, I feel she got to know me a little better. I learned a few things of my own regarding some minor concerns I've had recently about our friendship, but KfW2 was able to put my mind at rest.

I now have an active on-line dating profile, but I'm feeling apprehensive and reluctant to actually use it given my experiences last time. My general optimism from the turn of the year is still here... but I am having second thoughts about this on-line dating thing already.

Three...

Like myself, G's 2013 wasn't great and he had a similar tale to tell - family medical issues, potential work issues, family death etc. so when we met up over the weekend with FP and M, I wasn't expecting to have too many laughs.

The flip side is that when I meet up with this group of friends (which can also include BR and BW, amongst others), we do usually have a laugh.

And, perhaps unsurprisingly, it was no different. A few beers, a lot of talking and not too long before the conversation turned a bit lighter. It might have been a Sunday night, but that didn't stop us having far too many beers and staying up until quite late, just shooting the breeze, laughing and enjoying the company.

It's the kind of night I could really have done with last year that I don't seem to be able to get with M or FP - G is usually the x-factor. Despite the over indulging and the late night (which saw me suffering today), I really enjoyed the night out.

Once again, as we parted ways, G extended an invitation to go and visit. I really should take him up on it one of these days.

Two...

A somewhat impromptu night out with S over the weekend turned out to be one of those unplanned nights that's brilliant fun. After S came to mine for a few drinks, we headed out to one of the new bars in the city.

I bumped into a few friends of FP's, lads I've met before and who are great fun and we got talking to a group of women. However, S's banter is poor - he only has one topic to talk about, and that's films. Everything eventually comes down to films when you have a conversation with S and even his chat up lines are borrowed from the big screen. I was scrambling like mad to keep everyone talking because it was clear the women didn't share S's taste in films, but sometimes S makes life tough.

S was also puzzled by two of the girls in the group - he was convinced he knew them from somewhere, but despite thinking about it all night, he never managed to put his finger on it. I could have told him, though. Two out of the three women had profiles on Plenty of Fish - at least, they had a few years ago when I dipped my toe into the online dating world originally.

With all of the above clicking into place, the mini pub crawl that we had planned kind of fell by the wayside - the bar was excellent, the music was good and any time you strike up some rapport with strangers and end up having a laugh is always a good thing.

I did make a somewhat half-assed attempt to chat up one of the girls, but not because I really wanted to, more that she was, IMO, the cutest one of the three and I thought she might have been a little bit interested.

It turns out that she wasn't, but I ended up having a great night nonetheless.

Reasons to be cheerful. One...

The optimism of the new year hasn't diminished any and after a quite frank conversation with USHW a few nights ago, I had a lot of confidence heading into the weekend's lunch "date" with KfW2.

A side-note is that I shouldn't require confidence in talking to KfW2 - she's someone whose friendship I hold  extremely dear, who is arguably one of the closest friends I've ever had and while I feel that I can talk to her about anything, I rarely get the chance to do so, because I don't like opening up during work hours and I can't control a conversation the way I would like.

Regardless, the time spent with KfW2 over the weekend was very positive. I told her that I'd do the online dating thing again and that she could write my profile and we progressed on to semi-related topics such as her attempts to "sell" me to people she knew, all of which were, by her own admission, half-hearted. That's not a bad thing as the reasons she gave for not going all in were personality-based. That's to say the people she was selling me to, she wasn't entirely sure of herself. One girl, for example, was divorced, but had had an affair while married. This, according to KfW2, breeds trust issues. Another girl was someone that KfW2 can't say she likes after two years of knowing the girl - one time she'll be out and KfW2 won't like her, the next time and KfW2 will think she's brilliant. The final girl is a definite friend of KfW2's, but this girl doesn't know what she wants, so one day she'll love attention from a man, but the next be claustrophobic. KfW2 doesn't want me getting involved here, getting to like this girl, then getting hurt.

In all three cases, none of this is an issue to me, mainly because there's no physical attraction based on the photos I've seen/people I've met.

KfW2 also, completely out of the blue, brought up the subject of CB, mainly while teasing me about being useless with women. I took the opportunity to get all the stuff off my chest about my disappointment in GB and how much I was still kicking myself about not speaking to CB at the time. I also admitted that I was concerned about GB's lack of urgency along with KfW2 and CH's seeming lack of interest, despite my obvious enthusiasm about CB. Neither CH, GB nor KfW2 had ever seen me excited by a girl before, so their apparent indifference was a cause of great concern/disappointment to me.

KfW2 said that she didn't know why there was no follow up from herself or CH or why there was no action from GB. I reiterated that I had been slightly paranoid by the whole thing, and said that I had assumed they all knew something that I didn't.

I don't know if that conversation will re-open any avenues towards CB, I doubt it as I don't think I managed to explain HOW pissed off/paranoid/disappointed I was with all involved nor did I directly ask, but I know that I feel better for actually having the conversation with KfW2.

Looking up.

After the disappointment of New Year's Eve and the associated loneliness, unhappiness and general funk I found myself in over the holiday period, I'm now feeling quite positive and optimistic for no real reason. It's just what the start of a new year does for me even without, for example, the whole potential "in" thing with CB and MFF/GB last January that gave me great cause for optimism (temporarily).

I tried to engage CH in a more serious conversation yesterday, about my funk, my general disappointment in GM (and GB to a lesser extent) about the whole New Year's Eve thing, but the she changed the conversation before we could get into the meat and drink. I don't know if she was doing it deliberately or not, but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

Coming up in the next few days, I've got social engagements with FP, G and KfW2. I've not seen a lot of KfW2 over the holidays and contact via text has been strangely quiet and subdued over the past week or so. We're due to meet tomorrow, but she's yet to confirm.

And I guess I'll sit down and sort out my goals for the year at some point this weekend, while I have the chance.

The first post of the year... definitely.

It was near 10PM by the time S text me to let me know which bar they'd eventually chosen. At that stage, I was having a text conversation with CH and tell her that I was settling for the fact I was going to have to stay in.

Overall, I accomplished my goal - I didn't stay in alone on NYE, but that's pretty much all you could say bearing in mind the chasing I've done over the past 2 weeks. Also, I wouldn't say that I had a bad night... but I didn't have a good night either. The bar was OK, a little lacking in atmosphere and available single women, but the music was good. There only were two women who took my fancy - one was a friend of GM's - and I am clearly not her type and the other was a friend of a friend of S's, who also didn't appear interested. Both women were similar looking - vaguely similar to Elizabeth Mitchell.

The text conversation with CH continued all night, in fits and starts. I mentioned her promise about finding me a woman before the end of 2013. She said that she wasn't out often enough to do it, so I'm inferring from that comment that I have to tell her if I see any cute women in the bar if we're out rather than her having any cute, single friends. If that's the case, I don't see why she couldn't have pushed the CB thing forward when she asked who I was interested in/my type, after all, CH and MFF are close friends.

She also sent out a generic "2013 was great for all of us and let's hope 2014 is better" to which I replied that it wasn't. So we kinda had a brief chat about that and she seemed genuinely concerned by my year - or as much as you can be in 160 characters.

Once the end of the night came, I just went home and left S and his crowd hunting down a taxi... I just wasn't in the mood to continue really, so I was tucked up in bed, alone, by around 2AM.

The New Year, in terms of goals, resolutions etc. doesn't start for me until Monday. I have social engagements still to complete with KfW2 and G, so eating healthier, cutting out the booze and all the standard New Year stuff has to wait.

I'll take stock over the weekend and sort out my goals and aspirations then.