Sigh.

No sooner than I had put my ass to a seat this morning, than my boss wanted to meet with me. A checkpoint meeting, apparently, but he seemed very insistent that it had to happen today. Not next week. Today.

I had no time and no inclination to meet with my boss. I've lost the motivation and my relationship with my boss has, as far as I am concerned, disappeared.

That's what happens when there's a perception, based on observation, of favouritism.

There was no mention of my refused job application. In fact, my boss started talking about next year's goals.

I wanted to call out the favouritism. I wanted him to ask why I applied for the job. I wanted to tell him my concerns about the performance scoring. And the salary gap.

But I didn't. And neither did he.

I feel I can't talk to my boss. I can't explain why - he's given me no reason to think he'd react badly (or worse than you'd expect anyone who you've just criticised). It's just a gut feeling.

And now I'm at home. And I'm angry at myself because I can't tell him the things that I've posted about here, because they are the reasons I want to move away, to a new team, a new department.

I was explaining this to KfW2. Well, everything apart from the anger at myself - that only came later.

"I've seen you have more difficult conversations," she said.

She's right. Why's this different?

"Is it because it's in a one-on-one?"

I dunno.

"Maybe. Could be part of it... I don't know."

And then she dropped me off home, the conversation only half-finished.

Still, I have a few days off work. Maybe it's bad timing seeing how the meeting ended (right at the end of the day) and I could maybe do with chasing this up... but I could really do with the time off right now as well.