Friends. Female ones.

KfW2 and I were trying to solve a problem in work. We went back and forth, offering up various ideas until we had nearly figured it out. KfW2 had her idea, I had mine. We debated the merits of the two of them quite vocally for around ten minutes.

Stalky Guy, sitting about five metres away, giggled to himself.

"What do you find so funny?" queried KfW2.

"You two," he said. "You sound like a married couple."

I don't know if that's how we sounded or not, but it transpired that, once we took a step back and looked at the problem again, that our two ideas for solving it were pretty similar.

It was late, so we fixed the problem and left.

Stalky Guy was still giggling to himself as we left the office.

The comment reminded me how close KfW2 and I are as friends. It's not the first time someone's made a comment like that about me and a female friend. Someone (a colleague that neither of us knew particularly well, who saw us out in the pub) asked KfW2 and I once if we were married. A taxi driver once asked me and E how long we'd been a couple and was extremely surprised that we weren't.

Doppelgangers?

I received a text message from KfW2. It had a picture in it.

"Is this GB and CH?" asked KfW2.

I looked at the pic. It was weird. The five girls kinda resembled CH, GB, OK, MFF and one other... but I couldn't say for sure that it was the women I knew or an uncanny set of doppelgangers. CH, especially, looks different in pictures (and usually for the worst).

An hour later, after logging on to Facebook, MFF had posted pictures of her big night out at the weekend, complete with photo that KfW2 had sent. It turns out that it was a picture of the women I knew. It didn't do any of them any justice at all.

I replied to KfW2 and told her that it was CH and GB. Presumably she already knew about the others.

A few hours later, KfW2 phoned. She wanted to talk about the photo, in particular how "rough" CH and GB looked.

"They look really gaunt" said KfW2.

"I don't think photos in general do CH justice, to be perfectly honest," I admitted.

She put it down to the exercise they both did. CH has always been a runner, but GB has had an epiphany and started running too, despite being vehemently against exercise for as long as I've known her.

"Take that as a warning," I advised. KfW2 had been talking about getting back into running again to lose some weight. She used to be almost fanatical about running and the gym prior to meeting me. Well, to be more accurate, prior to reconnecting with the bloke who is now her husband. And she used to be thin. Too thin, if you ask me.

But, she thinks she's putting on weight. If she is, it's not obvious to me. But I know I am, and I need to be less lethargic and get back into my yoga again. Physically, I should be good to go. My shoulder is pain free (though doesn't feel "right" but that's not a barrier). It's just shaking the tiredness when I get out of the office and return home to give me the energy and motivation to do an hour's worth of exercise of an evening.

Frustration.

The good weather always puts me in good spirits, but it also makes me more... frisky. OK then, horny, if I am being honest. I guess that explains my... admiration of Quiet Girl in the office.

I've also had several dreams over the past few nights which, while not including anyone mentioned on this blog or anyone famous, were all along the same vein - my Bucket List item of a dirty weekend.

Suffice to say that while I've been feeling less funk-y this weekend, I've had sex on the brain quite a lot.

A small work-related digest.

While my interaction with Quiet Girl hasn't really increased to anything meaningful, she's at least upgraded the walking past and blanking me to acknowledgement and a "Hi" with a smile. I get to see her amble off to the kitchen to make tea. She's very slim, but her choice of jeans and way of moving means that it's worth watching her walk by. I still think she's married (without having any hard evidence barring some jewellery on her ring finger - but she wears a lot of rings) so it's not like anything would happen. If she were single though, I think it's something I would consider, even with my "no work colleagues" rule and over the top privacy issues.

In other news, CC applied for, and was offered a new job... that she turned down. Anxiety got the better of her. CC is in a much worse place than I am regarding anxiety. She's already been off work extensively with anxiety/stress and is regularly (though not constantly) medicated because of it. KfW2 is concerned, but I think also a little angry at CC. It's a job that KfW2 herself would have liked, but didn't apply for because CC had. And speaking of KfW2 and jobs - the guy who interviewed her recently got in touch. It's unclear exactly why, but I might have already posted that some of KfW2's post-interview feedback is that they liked her and would like her to join their team, even if she didn't shine as much as others.

I don't know how that's going to work out - she'll still have to pass any interview (assuming process is followed) and she does feel interview pressure. As I've said before, if she does leave the team, I'll be gutted, both from a personal and a professional standpoint.

Could it be?

Coming home from work today on the bus and the good weather has people out in droves in the beer gardens and outdoor drinking areas. It made me reminisce about an impromptu Friday night that KfW2 and I spent, years ago. It also reminded me of Tit Monday. Could it be today?

Tit Monday

It's not that far off now, that glorious day when, heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months. You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat. And then you get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. 

For Tit Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff) and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk. 

Big breasts in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts bra-less in vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road... and you know it is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. 

For us, it is Tit Monday. Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above 16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt to 22C on 24 April. And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). 

But the dollies are not prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again until next year),so that when they're all standing outside your local after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where, instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples. 

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early. There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps.

As the poet said: one bold slapper in a bikini doth not a summer make.

Courage - a lack thereof.

A while ago - maybe a month or so - USHW informed me of a speed dating night in my city for my age group. I'd accompanied GM to one last summer, to get the lay of the land as I was interested in going to one myself. It certainly seemed better than online dating as I could at least talk to people. Conversations on the likes of Tinder or Plenty of Fish are few and far between.

Since last summer, there have only been two others for my age range - one when I was on holiday and one when we had our work Christmas party.

This time, though, there was plenty of warning, but I didn't want to go on my own. My ability to meet people is poor - a major factor in my perennial single status. I'm shy. I get nervous and anxious when meeting new people, even under good conditions. I also get anxious when I do something new... like speed dating.

I spoke with GM, who both advised me to attend and also volunteered to accompany me (though not actually attend himself as he's still dating SG).

I went to the registration page, but the anxiety returned in spades. Over the next few days, I meant to return, to register, but it slipped my mind, even with GM sending the occasional reminder.

I decided late last night that I wouldn't go this time around. I'm hugely disappointed in myself, that I couldn't summon the courage to sign up. I do want to go. I do want to meet new people. I would like, eventually, to meet someone for something that's not platonic.

Pondering.

A conversation between myself and IG last night on Facebook:

IG: How did your party go?
Ruuude: Very well, I think. Everyone seemed to have a good time. Me and KfW2 were last peeps standing at about half three I think.
IG: Imagine if you had a gf. Not sure what she’d make of KfW2.
Ruuude: You think?
IG: Yep
IG: My best friend is a bloke and a lot of his exes have had a bit of an issue with our friendship
IG: Even though that’s genuinely all it is
Ruuude: Would it be an issue if you had a significant other?
Ruuude: People do tend to read too much into girl/boy friendships that are close.
IG: I was married some of those times, lol. It was still a thing.
Ruuude: And you're right, it could be an issue, but any girlfriend would have to understand that my friendships mean a lot to me, and the WW is one of my very closest things
IG: No need to explain it to me lol. Sure I’m in the same boat. People just don’t get it. People are stupid.

IG doesn't know everything about the party - like KfW2's husband was there too and the two of them stayed over and that KfW2 and I were only alone for a short time - half an hour at most. But it was still an interesting response to my answer to her question.

Party on!

I woke up this morning, not hungover but definitely sleep-deprived. It was near 3:30 AM when KfW2 and I finally called it a night and we were the last two standing.

Sadly, we weren't alone very long, so my hope of sitting her down and talking through her stress didn't come to pass. It might not have done any good as I think we were both quite tipsy at that stage.

Despite my anxiety, things went pretty smoothly and everyone had a good time. It was only really FP, KfW2 and myself who got into the whole thing.

KfW2 and her hubby stayed the night. The first guests I've had since D stayed well over a year ago, but the first to hang around afterwards.

Still, upon waking this morning, I was in definite need of The Cure and the frustration hasn't eased all day.

Concern.

I'm hosting a gathering at mine this weekend. It's not a big one - half a dozen people or so, but it's people like my sis, FP and KfW2. I put the invite out ages ago and left it to my guests to decide on a date. As a single man, I don't have many commitments, but people like KfW2 and my sis have baby-sitting requirements. Everyone said they'd attend, but the chat went quiet. Eventually, KfW2 suggested a date to me that she and her husband were free, but didn't post it to the group chat. I put it to the chat, and got agreement albeit with little fanfare.

That's been an issue with the invite and group chat - people haven't been engaging.

Despite the agreement, KfW2 asked me last weekend if it was all going ahead and I replied that it was. A few days later, KfW2 then tells me that she might turn up on her own as her baby-sitter was busy. She blames me (in a light-hearted way) for not making a decision sooner despite expressly saying at the very start that I thought the guests should arrange a date between them.

That disappointed me - the blame was real, if delivered jokingly - but more importantly, KfW2 turning up on her own would definitely be seen (by her) as us having a night out and would rule out, for the foreseeable future, any chance of a night out in the pub, alone.

Then, over the course of the past two days it's become apparent that KfW2 is in a much worse place, mentally, than I had thought. She's unhappy, stressed and that kind of thing, but to the point where I think she's on the verge of panic attacks. She says that she feels she can talk to me (about this), because as a co-worker, I know the background and details more than her hubby. I don't know what to say. I feel that I need to get her alone, to sit down properly and talk it through, but she doesn't have the time to do it.

And then, it turns out that her baby-sitter's plans have fallen through, so Mr KfW2 will be in attendance. That really pleases me, not just from a hosting perspective, but also from a future "night in the pub with KfW2" perspective.

Money, money, money?

KfW2 has just left my house. It was nice to have her (and her kids) round for a visit.

However, we were talking about work. Like a lot of things recently, we're both going through similar things at the moment. We both feel like our contributions aren't recognised. We both feel like we put in a lot of effort whilst others, both in our own team and other teams, do far less for more money. I personally feel that I bring more to the team than a lot, but I'm the lowest earner by some distance. It seems that what other people need to do to get that recognition is much less than what I do.

KfW2 was explaining that CC got a massive pay rise last year - nearly 10%. I'm not saying that CC isn't bad at her job, but she seems to attract promotions and pay rises. For me to earn what CC earns, I'd need a 50% pay rise. I'd need 20% to match KfW2 and 33% to match the top earner in the team (who does FAR less than I do).

It's not that I earn badly - I earn a decent wage - but it's the recognition that matters more. Pay rises etc. come as a result of the recognition.

KfW2 was also saying that she's spoken to our managers and told them that, in no uncertain terms, she wants off the team. I've already posted my feelings on KfW2's professional move, but I didn't realise how unhappy she was.

Roll all of that up, and it was a hugely deflating chat.

The "When Harry Met Sally" Question

The title of the thread on the forum was "Can men and women just be friends?"

I smiled to myself, because ironically, earlier today, I caught myself watching KfW2 walk out of the office. Admiring, if I am being honest. It does happen from time to time. That non-platonic thing has been there long before she became my friend. Since about 2005, I think. And let's not beat about the bush, if we're talking physical appearance, she's genuinely beautiful with a great figure.

But that's by the by. Those feelings don't surface that frequently. The question prompted me to think about my platonic female friends. I have quite a few, but I also have those where I've been attracted to them in some fashion - FBS, QC2, QC3 for example, that have been mentioned on the blog.

I thought that maybe I'd ended up falling for my female friends more than I had platonic ones, but I'm racking my brains trying to think and I'm struggling to come up with more. KfW2 and CH get loads of mentions on here, but the reality is that the attraction was there long before the friendship.

Change.

A relatively sleepless night. Well, it was OK until I woke around 5 AM and couldn't get back to sleep, not even with some, ahem, natural assistance.

By the time that KfW2 arrived at mine, to go to work, I was already knackered, yawning and had a headache. This was on top of the back and neck pains I had been experiencing all last week.

When we arrived at work, KfW2 disappeared for a chat with the HR department, after her unsuccessful job interview a few weeks ago. It transpires that the guy who interviewed her thought she was a great fit for his team and is still looking to expand, so KfW2 could get another interview.

She's delighted. I'm gutted (but pleased for her nonetheless). I'm not good with change and, close friendship aside, KfW2 has been part of my daily life for eight years. I've missed other friends leaving the team, though not to the extent that I would KfW2. And I do know that no matter where she goes, she'll be within 100 m and accessible via instant messenger. Plus her current arrangement about leaving her car at mine a couple of times per week would still come in to play. It's not like she's leaving the company or the country or anything, but still... change is change.

It dampened my mood somewhat. Despite the tiredness and headache, the weather was nice here and I was in decent form until that.

Concerns.

I chatted to KfW2 on the phone yesterday and I am concerned.

She's getting stressed again with work, even though our circumstances have improved. I tried to reassure her, but she's headstrong. I suggested that we'd sit down on Monday and talk it through. I don't think she's blaming me for anything, but I think she's just getting overwhelmed with the amount of stuff she has to do. I'm hoping that a good planning session is what she needs. Break things down into smaller tasks and be able to tick these off. Seeing a list get smaller is both reassuring and motivating at the same time.

During the same conversation, she talked about how much money she spent last week at a wedding.

"I daren't look at my bank account" she laughed. "That's my entire going out budget blown probably!"

In isolation, that's nothing, but she has made several comments over the past month or so that I sometimes think are aimed at me and my desire to get her out to the pub some night, alone.

Over the past six weeks or so, she's said on separate occasions:

• Going out budget is blown
• She doesn't like coming into the city
• She can't drink alcohol anymore (due to hangovers)

She also has a birthday night out for her hubby to arrange, so there's also a case of availability and priority.

I'm hosting a night at mine, next week, that FP and KfW2 are coming to (as well as my sis), but I don't count that as a night out. KfW2 and I cover subjects alone that we don't cover in other company and I'd love to have one of those nights again.

Six degrees of Ruuude.

Years ago, prior to moving into the first shared house with UF and subsequently living next door to Attractive Neighbour, I was looking at potential new housemates and places to live. I browsed several sites - SpareRoom, Gumtree etc. looking for somewhere nice to share.

As part of this search, I spotted an interesting sounding flatmate. Female, slightly younger than me, interesting profile... and cute. Like really cute. Slim, redhead, pretty, thin. I sent her a message to see if she would be interested in sharing with a bloke, but no reply. And then I found her on Plenty of Fish. I can't remember if I messaged her there as well... it's unlikely, but she was cute. And interesting.

She popped up on my Facebook "people you may know" feed today. Different surname, so married. So, yeah, I had a quick browse of her profile and it's amazing how many people I've messaged over the years on various online dating sites that she has as friends . There must be around a dozen people including the likes of Orlaith McAllister and Attractive Neighbour plus The Designer and a few others who have not previously been mentioned on the blog.

And I realise now that both Nearly Flatmate and Attractive Neighbour are quite alike - slim, attractive, redheads.

I know I've often mentioned how small it feels my local area is, how many people we all know, albeit indirectly, and how often coincidences seem to happen, but around a dozen people that I've actually gone and messaged is still quite impressive. And, yes, worth blogging.

Reminiscing.

The twenty year "anniversary" of FA2 and I getting together remains in my mind, partly because FA2 was a big part of my life both in terms of time and influence. There's also the fact that this year, there's a lot to be reminiscent of. The weather is a factor. While not as cold, the weather was winter-y for this time of year.

On the Easter Monday, 36 hours after we first slept together and the night after another social engagement with G, BR, FP etc. that she attended, I received a phone call from FA2 demanding my presence at hers.

There was something in the tone I couldn't place, but she made it clear that there was no turning it down. This was new. We hadn't spent much time alone, sober. It had always involved booze and ending up back at hers, making out. Maybe she wanted to do that? Unlikely, but I was horny enough to hope that was the case. My dry spell had only been about 4 months, but the previous year was, if you pardon the term, my busiest in terms of female company.

I got out of bed and opened the curtains. It had snowed during the night and there was a carpet of white everywhere. It was just short of a few miles to FA2's house, so off I went.

And nothing. I spent the entire afternoon at FA2's house, watching telly, drinking tea and generally doing nothing. There was no serious chat, no making out, no sex... nothing was mentioned about Saturday night or the previous night's outing. Were I not forever waiting for something big or "important" to happen, it might have been an enjoyable, comfortable afternoon.

Eventually, I cracked and asked her about the phone call, the demand that I visit and the weird tone.

She claimed innocence.

"You got all that from the phone call?" she asked.

"Yup."

"Oh, well, I just thought it would be nice if you came over."

I looked for a sign that this wasn't the truth, but she had a good poker face. I gave up and we went back to watching the telly. I left hers at tea-time and came home.

Dream a little dream.

The weird dreams thing continues, mostly with the same kinda tone/feel to it - that of loss. And the dreams all seem to circulate around the loss of a relationship with someone rather than the loss of an object, for example.

The most memorable example was a sci-fi themed dream where a friend (who looked like my first ever crush, but had the non-physical attributes of a really old family friend), stole my ideas for teleportation and went off to work on them with someone else. There was no explanation as to why she'd done that, just that she did and effectively didn't speak to me again afterwards.

There was more to it than that, but that was the basic premise.

I always wake up feeling a little down as the dreams never really have any kind of conclusion or happy resolution. As usual, I'm sure there's a reason for the dream, but nothing obvious springs to mind.