The Emperor's Next Clothes. (cont'd)

So after all that nonsense from the past few days, I got a text message saying that the second, and final, clothes package was ready for collection.

It (the clothes) reminds me of a couple of conversations from years ago. The first was with QC2 and a couple of other female co-workers. I'd commented that I didn't like "ornate" clothes or clothes with ornate designs during a random conversation. Then, one day, when I turned up in a pink t-shirt, I was called out for being a hypocrite (not by QC2, but by the other girl). My argument was that bright colours did not fall under "ornate" designs.

I also had a conversation with F back in the day where she saw photos of me and was surprised that I was wearing colourful clothes. She'd gotten it into her head that I only wore black, for some reason. It was an assumption she couldn't really explain.

Regardless, I've got some really nice (colourful) clothes to wear for a fraction of the price they'd normally be. Result!

Romance is in the air...

I woke this morning thinking about K. Or rather an old MSN conversation with F about K. F was congratulating me on keeping my distance from K one weekend we were all in Glasgow. This would have been roughly six months after I had sex with K and she a) demanded a relationship and b) refused to accept that my reasons for not wanting to go down that route were genuine, despite being told by friends (specifically F) that they were completely valid.

K was adamant that she was going to bed me. She never said that to me directly - that was a conversation she had with F. And if memory serves, I don't actually recall her making any obvious move that weekend. If it weren't for her behaviour as described above, I'd have gladly gone to bed with her again. She had talked a good game any time we'd discussed sex. But I wasn't doing it when she was pushing for something that I couldn't, and wouldn't, give her.

So errr... Happy Valentine's Day, yeah?

Dream a trois.

I didn't sleep well last night. It was after 4 AM before I finally dropped off to sleep, but I woke this morning to the end of a dream that I think I've had before in various flavours. It's actually based off a real life incident from back in 2005.

In real life, the people from the online hobby met up in London one weekend. During that weekend, USHW and I shared a room and a bed. Originally it was meant to be F, but she had to pull out for reasons I can't remember. Anyway, on the Saturday night, after we'd parted with everyone else at the pub, we got back to the hotel and were chatting in our room.

Someone started knocking on the door - it was a woman from the online hobby. I'd never met her before this day nor had I communicated with her, but she was friends with a guy that I sorta knew.

Anyway, we invited her in, we chatted and drank for a bit before I went to sleep. The next day, when USHW and I were talking, we decided that she'd come looking for a hookup with me and got blind-sided by us sharing a room. 

That's what happened in real life. In the dream, it wasn't the blonde woman who knocked on the door, but K. I ended up having a threesome with USHW and K and we all fell asleep contented. K woke me early the next morning, dragged me to the shower and fucked me. I dried off, leaving K to her shower and returned to bed where USHW was stirring.

When K left the bathroom to get dressed, I was going down on USHW. K got angry/jealous, hurriedly dressed herself and left and that's where the dream ended.

In real life, USHW and I never had sex. I had fucked K on another occasion that I think is pretty well documented on this blog. However, I have had variations of that dream before with different women. So I was in a combo mood this morning of being super-tired and super-horny and that's made me super-grumpy.

HBK

Facebook tells me it's K's birthday today, so Happy Birthday, K.

Shame you were bonkers, and a recent re-reading of some MSN conversations with F only re-enforces that, otherwise we coulda had a lot more fun.

What to say.

Two semi-random thoughts popped into my head today. The first is that I still haven't messaged Random Internet Woman since she shared that email wasn't a good medium for her. I have been meaning to reply, but a combination of illness that hung around too long (Covid, I think) and family stuff meant that I have been super-distracted.

While I have no real plans, at the moment, to continue conversing with her, I don't want to ghost her in this way. I should, at least, just drop her a message and explain.

The other was a memory of F from, I think, around 2004. She was ill, though she never shared what that illness was. Serious enough that it would involve a hospital visit and, I think, surgery. She had gone to a lot of trouble to write a load of letters to various friends and family, and that included me. She never shared what was in the letters though suggested that she might eventually, one day, share it, just to amuse herself. She never did, but every now and again, when the memory pops into my head, I wonder what was in it.

Tripping

I was browsing IMDB earlier and I came across a reference to an animated sci-fi TV show called "Tripping the Rift". Noteworthy only because F once sent me the entire box set (copied, of course) as she thought I'd like it. And I did! But I'd not heard of it before F told me about it nor can I find it again.

I mean in the sense of being able to watch it. There are actually a load of references online, just nothing on the likes of Netflix etc..

Dream on. Not me.

The recent post where I explained that F had shared that K had accused me of leading her on has caused some further pondering.

I know we're talking about a series of events that happened twenty years ago, but I can safely say that I did not lead her on. We were friends. In all of our interactions, no boundaries were crossed. In person, I was not inappropriate in terms of conversation topics or physical touch, that I can recall. There was no flirting.

There may have been one conversation when K was pondering about how an ex-boyfriend wouldn't have sex with her as much as she wanted, and I suggested that blow jobs were always a good starting point versus her stance of trying to look sultry. I'm pretty sure that this would have been pre-sex with K, but it was suggested matter of factly, she seemed to agree that she should have been more proactive and the conversation moved on.

That may have been the catalyst for K pretty much jumping on me at the hostel, kissing me and grinding in my lap for an indeterminate amount of time before breathily telling me that she wanted us to have sex. But until that point, I had given practically zero thought to K as anything other than a friend.

And, even afterwards, I made no suggestion about a relationship beyond being physical after we'd had sex. So if she got anything in her head that I was leading her in a direction prior to her jumping on me, then that was all her doing.

I don't know why I felt the need to go into all that, dear reader, but I actually feel a little better for it. So thank you for reading.

Ooops.

While twenty years is a long time, the recent trawl through some old MSN logs continues to bemuse me with the revelations that I was more confident in my feelings towards E than I can remember. It wasn't just F. I've mentioned QC2, but I've also uncovered logs from other online friends where I admit both feelings for E and optimism that it might actually work out.

While I don't expect to remember everything from back in the day, the fact that I completely forgot about this is... concerning? I don't know if that's the correct word. This isn't some random girl that I met in the pub one night and never saw again, like Chloe or Near Miss. It's someone important to me, so being unable to remember feelings so unambiguous that I was telling QC2, F and others about it feels at least a little weird.

I am massively enjoying reading the logs again though, including F's updates about how much K really didn't know me as a person.

Whoops 3: Revenge of the Whoops

I've continued to trawl through my chat logs with F through the summer of 2004. I'm surprised by how open I've been with F. A few days ago, I blogged about sharing my excitement at visiting E, F's own excitement about E and I possibly hooking up/getting together and QC2's post-visit email asking if I got my rocks off.

There are other conversations, too. After sharing with F that I was meeting an attractive brunette for drinks (QC2), I've semi-admitted to F that I found her to be attractive and was greatly appreciative of her arse in a pair of 501s, though I don't think I ever admitted to having a crush on her back in the day.

This was all around the time I interviewed for, and actually got, a job in the career of my choice. 

Whoops 2: the whoopsening.

It goes without saying that after that trawl through my old chat logs, that I miss E. I told her as much at the start of the month, when we last swapped messages.

I miss F too, to an extent. That chats with her were always fun.

Whoops.

As tends to be the case, my appalling memory led me to my old MSN chat logs, to try and make sense of the timelines from the last post.

And, actually, it wasn't that far off. It was pre-blog, so I never recorded anything here, but the chat with K was pretty much a year to the day that we'd had sex.

What I was surprised about, and what prompted this post, was a conversation with F a month prior to K's chat. I was days away from a trip to visit E. This was before she moved abroad. F was encouraging me to make a move on E. But I don't ever recall admitting to having strong romantic feelings for E. It's always been ambiguous. She was a friend of mine, I loved spending time with her; she was physically attractive and had a nice rack. But did I like her more than that? I don't think I've ever come to a concrete decision on that. I was comfortable in her presence, though.

And yet, F was super-excited for me, giving me tips on reading body language, all with a view to making a move if I ever saw any interest.

And, obviously, I never made a move. In another surprising revelation, the chat logs have me explaining to F how E was gushing about some new man she was chasing and F being sympathetic. I also make comments about QC2 asking me if I "got my rocks off" with E. I really don't remember sharing any of this with anyone.

I simply don't recall that at all. I remember lots about that specific weekend away, including E bent over a pool table and E correctly identifying my preference for tall brunettes, but I don't recall anything about this guy.

F also shared a lot of her conversations with K, who wasn't as over me as she would have led me to believe and was accusing me, behind my back, of leading her on.

Oh, K?

Maybe it was my post at the weekend regarding female friends, or maybe it was something totally random, but I woke up this morning with K on my mind. That was pretty much due to an X-rated dream where we met in a hotel room and had sex non-stop for a few days before parting ways.

In real life, K and I only ever had sex once. I'm pretty sure that I've blogged about this before so I'll not repeat myself right now. After that first and only time, we were both in the same hotel on two further occasions and we met, in person, at least twice more.

There was an undercurrent of sexual tension each time. To be honest, I would have slept with K again quite happily if not for the fact that K held much stronger feelings for me and was pushing, quite aggressively, for a relationship. Prior to one of those occasions, she'd admitted to F that she was going to have sex with me.

So, yeah, I would have slept with her again... plus I'd always had this idea/bucket list item about spending a few days in a hotel with a willing, cute participant, enjoying ourselves. Sleeping with K would have afforded me the opportunity to tick that off. I reckon she'd have agreed to it too, if she hadn't gone all stalker-y and mad.

It was weird though. We'd moved on from it... I think. We were regularly conversing over MSN, albeit mostly about the online hobby. And then one day, out of the blue, almost a year to the day from our hooking up, she accuses me of having a problem with her. I didn't... though I was very wary about giving off the wrong impression and was keeping her at arm's length. She was right, though, a barrier was created and delivered.

But getting back to the weekend's post about female friends... while I wouldn't say that I miss K (after all it's well over ten years since we last spoke), I am disappointed in how things ended between us.

Just talkin'

The night out with G was as good as always. We chatted for hours with no lull, which is par for the course. We covered loads of topics, including my meeting last week with FP and BR. One of the highlights was G asking me if I would do anything different in my life?

I lied a little and said that I was happy where I was currently. It's mostly true. I own my own house, I'm mostly healthy and I have a job that I like. My mental health is not great and I'm single, which is currently bothering me a little.

I pointed out one aspect that probably would have changed my entire life from age 18 onwards. I would have missed out on my friendships with Friction Guy, FBS and QC2 for starters. E, too. It might have had an effect on meeting CAB, FA2 and my time living abroad. It almost definitely would have meant not meeting KfW2 and The Crowd. I wouldn't have started the online hobby which meant I crossed paths with USHW, A, K and F.

Would I have been happier? Who knows? My friendships with E and KfW2 are extremely important to me, and I would struggle to give those up (even though, strictly speaking, I'd not ever know about them).

We both agreed that we are the people we are because of the journey that we have taken.

G also pointed out that I was looking around the bar more than I usually did. I'm not sure it was true. The bar didn't even appear to be that busy, presumably due to the weather, because bars in my hometown are usually rammed on a Friday evening. I can only recall one woman taking my eye, a cute blonde woman, so I guess that G just managed to catch me looking at her.

We left the bar four hours later, more than a little tipsy, but I thoroughly enjoyed the evening.

Under.

Years ago, after we'd fucked, K started an MSN conversation and asked me about my underwear. This must have been soon after when we were still in regular conversation, though the timing is a bit vague. Our conversations had taken a very sexual turn post-sex. I admit that that was mostly down to me. I knew that K wanted a relationship but I was not willing to go that far and was offering FwB instead. By turning the topic of conversation to sex, I'd hoped to get K away from the idea of a relationship to something purely physical.

Anyway, I'm digressing. K was asking me about my underwear and my size. My preference was, and still is, trunks. I shared the information and asked why she was interested. After some prodding (she was very coy), it turns out that she was contemplating buying some and wanted the details from me.

If that was the case, I wondered out loud, had she considered boy shorts? I love boy shorts on women. I once told FA2 that if I were buying her lingerie I'd try and persuade her to choose boy shorts. I don't know why they're my favourites, but they are. K claimed she'd not heard of them and went off to do her own research. I told K that I thought she'd look good in them.

Eventually, the MSN window activated again. She'd done a quick look online and boy shorts weren't for her. I gave her the information she wanted - what I wore, what size I was etc. and that was that. We drifted apart afterwards because K wouldn't back down on the relationship stance and was very aggressive about it (and she was off befriending F because she thought something was going on between us).

K and I did meet again, months later at a meet-up for our online hobby, but we weren't in a position where I could ask her what she was wearing or ask to see her in it. But guess what I dreamed of last night?

Just F things.

This time, in 2005, I was approaching the end of the weekend when F came to visit. A weekend of alcohol, bitching about K, F's bit on the side and generally just having a laugh. Plenty of people, K included, thought we were having an affair, that I was another bit on the side, but despite not really nailing down my own feelings towards her and the fact she had been quite promiscuous with other people from our mutual online hobby, we were platonic.

If I had to equate our friendship to anything or anyone else, it reminded me of me and CH, though I know I definitely was attracted to CH and I'm as sure as I can be that she was into me, too. But F & I and CH & I were tactile with each other, a lot more than I have been with most of my other female friends. The difference was that CH was skirting boundaries. I don't recall F grabbing my ass, for example.

She did offer to let me share her bed when she was visiting, but I went home at the end of each night, having made sure she got back to her hotel.

So, yeah, about 7PM, 17 years ago, F departed for the airport, tipsy, tired and, as she would go on to tell me for weeks afterwards, she had a really good time over the three days she was here.

All about K.

One thing that might have been forgotten in the mists of time and temporary insanity (not mine) is that K was quite cute. Well, back when we met for the second time. Yes, I've been browsing old pictures again.

I think K and I met five times in total. The first was when I was leaving the country and it coincided with lots of hobby people meeting in London, and as I was in the area, I decided to join them. We hit it off instantly. As an aside, this was also the first time I met R, with whom I'd already built up a bit of a connection.

If I recall correctly, the meeting with the pictures was the first of that year and well over a year after the first time. It was the first of four times in fairly quick succession. I say "quick", but it was probably April, July, August and October in the same year. And bearing in mind we lived 350 miles apart at that stage, four times in one year is pretty impressive.  

I think she admitted at a later stage that it was the July meeting where she started viewing me as something non-platonic, but all I'd done was accompany her and a friend to a gig, then introduce her and the friend to BR afterwards where we drank heavily into the night, before walking them to their hotel and going our own way. Oh, and then repeating the same thing the next day. There were no moves made nor any actions that could be misconstrued, in my opinion. I wasn't leading her on.

August was the one where we ended up having sex, and the October one was, I think, primarily to make sure nothing happened between me and another girl who came to visit.

The final time would have been a few months after that again, the infamous gathering where I met F for the first time, K was determined to "nail me" and she refused to listen to what I had to say. Actually, strike that. That wasn't the last time I met K. She did show up briefly to another gathering where I met USHW for the first time, and R again, too.

Just talkin'

I took a notion to message F last night. I think it was because I was reading through some of my old chat logs from years ago and randomly picked the month that led to her coming over for a visit and us spending the weekend in many, many bars getting drunk, taking the mickey out of K and me watching pretty much every man stare at F. It's not that F is drop dead gorgeous or a traditional head-turner the way I would classify QC2 back in the day, or KfW2. She does, however, have a massive rack. And she could put her legs behind her head. You can imagine that, having demonstrated that to me in a bar, it didn't take long for her to be approached by complete strangers. She returned from the bar, with drinks, giggling at the attempts to pull her. She cuddled up to me, just to tease the guys in the bar.

So, I messaged her on Facebook, just for a chat. I know she's not having a great year due to her FB posts, so I thought I'd check-in with her. I hate doing this kinda stuff publicly. Even if I see something on Facebook, I tend to chat to people via Messenger, but more often email or text messages... away from Facebook.

She seemed in OK form, and it didn't take too long for us to hit our stride again, conversationally. It was nice to chat to her again, even if it was only brief.

Rewind

Off the back of last night's dream about K, I dug out my old archive of MSN chats from back in the day to see if the timings matched my memory - they do, for the record. Sadly, I only started logging them in April 2004, long after I got physical with K and her subsequent bonkers actions (befriending F, inviting herself when a mutual friend came to visit, insisting that I am afraid of commitment etc.) It would have been interesting to read the conversations around all that (plus those I had with F when she was trying to get me to admit to shagging K).

However, it is intriguing that K and I were still chatting reasonably regularly on MSN, despite all that had gone on. Admittedly, most of it was around the online hobby that we had in common or solving technical issues with her PC, but still more than I had remembered. In my head, it had started to dwindle after K and I had sex and she started, rather aggressively, to talk about relationships late in 2003, early 2004.

It's been some fun, re-reading the logs... it's also a reminder how intense K was.

There was also a snippet of chat where K logged on one night, pissed, and demanded to know why I hadn't spoken to her in weeks... despite the fact she hadn't logged on in weeks (and we only communicated via MSN). I shared that conversation quickly with F who was also online at the time and we had a good old giggle.

And an admission from F that K "wanted to nail me" the weekend that F and I met for the first time. Again, how this seeming quest for casual sex ties into her demands for a relationship makes the mind boggle.

There are also conversations with F who was very insistent that I made moves on E, when she still lived in the UK, despite my protestations that my feelings were extremely ambiguous. 

What a tangled web we weave.

Yesterday, something triggered a quite powerful memory of a weekend I spent in Glasgow roughly fifteen years ago. It was a gathering of a group of people from the online hobby that I was involved in at the time.

The personal highlight was meeting F for the first time. We'd swapped messages and emails and had hit it off, so we were both looking forward to meeting in person.

And we had a brilliant weekend. We did hit it off in person, just as much as we had done online, if not more. We probably would have been inseparable all weekend, if it had not been for two small problems: F's bit-on-the-side, and K.

F and her bit-on-the-side had arrived in town a full 24 hours prior to anyone else, so had plenty of time to do whatever it is that people do. When everyone else had arrived on the Friday, we adjourned to a bar where F and I managed to find ourselves sat beside each other, and began to chat. Accidentally, we kinda shut ourselves off from everyone else.

A while later, maybe an hour or so, F's bit on the side disappeared in a bad mood. One of the other girls followed him out to see if he was OK. She returned shortly and spoke to F. He was in a bad way. Crying. Apparently I was "hogging" F and he wasn't happy about it. Apparently he'd been firing dirty looks my way for ages, but I was so engrossed in convo with F that neither of us had noticed. F sighed and got up to leave.

"Where you going?"

"To see the BotS"

"Fuck him. He's just being childish, clingy and immature. There are plenty of people here he can talk to."

"No, I have to go." She sighed. "You are right, though."

F's bit-on-the-side was always a weird sort. He'd set up a website to support the community side of the online hobby, but then never wanted to do anything with it - to evolve it or let it be something more. USHW would sometimes voice her frustrations at his inability to do anything or make decisions. What I didn't know at the time was that the rumour mill had been in full flow and there had been talk that F and I were having an affair, which was laughable as we'd never even met. This had fed the BotS's paranoia and also K's.

F walked off. I looked around the table. K was furious. Oh dear.

A few months prior to this weekend, K and some other hobbyists were in my hometown. I got dragged out to see them, somewhat against my wishes, and I ended up having sex with K at the end of the night. K had driven this - she had jumped me for a snog, she was the one who put sex on the table and at no time prior to this had she shown any sign of any kind of attraction.

A few days later, she started talking about relationships... I was refusing to get involved, for all manner of reasons. She simply wasn't someone I saw as girlfriend material. She was too serious, for starters, with little self-awareness. There was distance to consider, as well. I wasn't even lying to her when I said this. Strangely, she tried arguing these points as if it was something logical that she could turn around. This was a shame. We had actually been friends to this point. If she'd suggested some kind of FwB arrangement or hadn't been so full on with the "we should start a relationship" nonsense, we might have slept together again. Or maybe that's something we should have done prior to her going 100 mph for a relationship.

What I didn't really realise was that she was trying to get in with a couple of women that I was publicly friendly with in the hobby circle - F, R and another girl. R herself is private, so K suddenly appearing in her inbox being friendly scared her off. I knew nothing of the K and F thing for a while until F confessed to me one day. K had admitted to F that we'd had sex, though I'd said nothing and F had been trying to coax a confession out of me to no avail.

So... K was furious that I'd been talking to F (and presumably ignoring her). If I am being honest, I did have half a mind on seeing if I could bed K that weekend. She was still talking (behind my back) about relationships though. She was telling F that I wanted to be with her, but wasn't going to commit. I was telling F that I'd have sex with K again, but she really wasn't my type for a relationship and it would need to be casual.

F eventually talked BotS round and he returned, eyes puffy and red. I spent the entire weekend taking the piss out of him (much to F's delight) and avoiding being left alone with K.

On the last day, F asked if I would go and speak to K (I later found out this was actually K's request and F was just the messenger). She was in her room. I knocked, she answered, and invited me in.

She started the whole relationship talk again. I told her that it was completely out of the question and I didn't know where she was getting the idea from that this was something I was considering or would consider. Obviously, this wasn't said as bluntly as reported above, but I probably should have. Bear in mind that I'd deliberately distanced myself from K at this weekend, barely talking to her, never mind trying anything sexual.

I left, went back to the hotel lobby, collected my bag, gave F a quick update and a hug and left. I winked at BotS too, just for kicks. The journey home was uneventful. A few days later, F was in touch. Apparently, after I'd left, K had come down and chatted to F.

She'd shared that we'd spoken, told F what I'd said and then followed that with "I don't believe him. He does want a relationship with me, he's just scared of commitment."

I believe at that point F told K to "seriously get a grip" and that she was being "delusional" and suggested if I'd been interested, I'd have tried something that weekend. While I wasn't against the idea of sleeping with K again, I wasn't prepared to feed her delusions or lead her on just for sex. Though, it would have ticked a Bucket List item, had we screwed.

K never mentioned a relationship ever again... but that was mainly down to me keeping my distance from her, I think. But she did blame me for our friendship falling apart, about 18 months later.

Good times

Years and years ago, F came to visit. F and I were very friendly. F had invited me to stay in her hotel room while she was here, but I never got a read on whether she wanted anything physical to happen. F had, to the best of my knowledge, slept with a lot of people, and her fair share from the online hobby where we had met. But for years, I simply couldn't pin down if we were flirting, mucking around or whatever. I think I eventually decided that I had, at some level, wanted to sleep with her, but even now I'm not sure if that's accurate.

Regardless, one of the first nights she was here, we ended up in a bar just down the road from her hotel. I was teasing her about something, and that led to me making a bet with her, that she wouldn't put her leg behind her head. She claimed she could do it, and I believed her, but the challenge was to do it in the half empty bar. And to be fair to her, she did. And thirty seconds after she did, she went to the bar, and I think every bloke within visual range followed her.

She fobbed them off - I was her boyfriend, she said - and returned with drinks. We laughed about it all night and she spent the entire night teasing the guys - stroking her ass in full view of everyone. "Absent mindedly" adjusting her bra (she is a busty girl, is F) and her jumper for maximum cleavage. She could have, at any time, taken any of them back to her hotel room. I don't think I've ever seen anyone hold the attention of an entire room full of people before, in that way.

But I didn't tell her that... I just teased her about her choice of men, specifically the ones from the online hobby.

And all this was brought about having seen a woman put her leg behind her head and drink a beer on Reddit.