Tea for two.

CC's just messaged asking if I wanted to go for dinner tonight. I've already eaten, so the answer was "no", but I suggested we do breakfast tomorrow. I say "breakfast" but by the time CC gets her ass out of bed, it'll be nearly lunchtime, so it's brunch.

But the initial question about dinner reminded me of a conversation with QC2 where she asked me why I never met her for dinner, only drinks. Women meet for casual dinner, men do drinks, she explained. I didn't have an answer for her. I thought casual meet ups for friends meant something cheap like drinks whereas dinner was more expensive. She never pushed it, as far as I can recall. If she'd suggested we do dinner the next time instead of drinks, I'd have gladly gone with it.

I'm struggling to recall if I did dinner with platonic friends until I met KfW2. I know that I did lunches with plenty of people: FA1, AM, QC1 and others, but dinner was something I simply never considered. I think it was more the dinner aspect. I wasn't a fan of eating out when I was younger, so dinner as a social activity just wasn't on my radar.

So, yeah, interesting random thought. 

Going b(l)ack.

After yesterday's posts about QC2 and CAB in Levi's, I've gone head and ordered myself a pair off Vinted. A black pair. Reliving my youth? Maybe, but with my recent weight loss, I want to find jeans that are a better fit than the ones I've been wearing for the past decade or so.

Why black? I don't know. It must be at least 20 years since I've owned a black pair of jeans. Possibly even one of the pairs that I mentioned yesterday that FA2 bought me.

No ifs or butts.

As a gamer, I watch a few streams on Twitch. One of my more frequent watches has recently been sponsored by Levi's. Every time the ad pops up, she claims "it's the butt ad!". That reminds me of my appreciation of QC2 in her Levi's. I've probably posted about that before. I wasn't alone in my appreciation, I know that. But you know who else also wore 501s well? CAB.

I wore 501s myself around that time, and I got my fair share of compliments about my ass. QC2 herself admitted it was decent. FA2 loved my ass in 501s to the point where she bought me a couple of pairs when she was in the States one Christmas (to be fair, she owed me a pair because she got paint on mine). Wrong waist size, mind you, but still.

Sadly, I don't have that butt any more - I don't play sports and I'm pretty sedentary - a combination that doesn't really lead to having a nice butt. Back then, I played a lot of sport and I did a lot of walking, even if my job was sat at a desk all day long.

Hello there.

In my last post, I mentioned being out with work last night. It was a somewhat impromptu affair, kicked off by the sudden appearance of an American colleague. Well, I say "colleague" but she was a colleague's boss, so I don't really have any direct professional entanglement.

Still... free dinner and drinks is free dinner and drinks.

And it was fun. The American girl was quite nice, and despite the fact she was quite senior in the organisation, she was quite open with information and opinions, which was refreshing.

She also, physically, gave off big QC2 vibes. 

QC2 vibes aside, I liked her. I don't say that about all my foreign co-workers, especially those in senior management. I guess it was her somewhat unguarded conversations that felt honest rather than those who just trot out the company line all the time. That was refreshing in itself.

The Emperor's Next Clothes. (cont'd)

So after all that nonsense from the past few days, I got a text message saying that the second, and final, clothes package was ready for collection.

It (the clothes) reminds me of a couple of conversations from years ago. The first was with QC2 and a couple of other female co-workers. I'd commented that I didn't like "ornate" clothes or clothes with ornate designs during a random conversation. Then, one day, when I turned up in a pink t-shirt, I was called out for being a hypocrite (not by QC2, but by the other girl). My argument was that bright colours did not fall under "ornate" designs.

I also had a conversation with F back in the day where she saw photos of me and was surprised that I was wearing colourful clothes. She'd gotten it into her head that I only wore black, for some reason. It was an assumption she couldn't really explain.

Regardless, I've got some really nice (colourful) clothes to wear for a fraction of the price they'd normally be. Result!

Little miss.

I think I dreamed of QC2 last night, but the details of the dream are gone, or were never there. Just a vague memory of QC2 and a feeling that I miss her.

It might be a dozen years since I last saw her, and it's not like we had a falling out... we just never met for drinks ever again. She butt dialled me about ten years ago - the day after I moved into my current house, actually. But that never led to anything, sadly... and that was that. 

She's not on social media any more and I'm not going to send a text or call a 12 year old number that might not even be hers anymore.

It's been a while.

It was QC2's birthday yesterday. She's an older woman by about 10 months. It's nearly ten years since we had any kind of contact, and even that was a mis-dial. I miss our semi-frequent meetups at a pub for a few drinks and a chat.

Actually, now that I think about it, I really do like meetups for a few drinks and a chat. 

This is the day.

It's a day of anniversaries. 33 years ago, I started a new job that introduced me to QC2 (and later Friction Guy, FBS and Opinionated Guy).

But the actual reason for this post is that today is the 20th anniversary of me meeting USHW in person for the first time. If memory serves me correctly, it was around this time, too: half past four on a warm, sunny Friday evening outside Notting Hill Gate tube station. I wouldn't say that this is where our friendship began... we'd already been communicating on MSN Messenger (remember that?) for about six months and USHW had been prising more and more personal information out of me.

I knew she was doing it, of course. She was never subtle about it nor did she claim to be. But my various online presences and personae all had one thing in common - I rarely gave anything away about myself beyond some basic facts. I was renowned for being enigmatic. So I think she rather viewed it as a challenge.

We've only met twice, which is something I've always been really disappointed in, but there were extenuating circumstances that prevented me from pursuing more.

In fact, we were sharing a bed the first time we met. We were definitely friends at this point. And, actually, we're not that far away from the tenth anniversary of our second/last meeting, too.

Anyway... I thought the date was worth mentioning. USHW and I don't communicate that frequently any more, and I do miss her and think of her regularly. For a long time, she was a very dear friend, an outlet and probably the person who knew me (knows me) better than anyone on the planet, including FP and KfW2. Nothing was off-limits in our conversations, and I know that people say that, but in this case it was true. I think people who know me might be shocked at how open I was and the conversations we'd had.

I know she still passes by the blog regularly so Happy Meeting In Person Anniversary, USHW!

Let's go again.

Amazingly, KfW2 was on-time. Part of the reason I don't like booking things is that she can be late. Her friends have regaled me of tales of her tardiness and she once shared a story where she was hours late to a date, and he was still there when she arrived. I have to say that she's never been really late for anything we've arranged (except one time where she was 45 minutes late, but that was a dinner reservation and I've posted about it before).

We hit the ground running, conversationally. I was worried it might be a bit stilted seeing as we've not spoken in person for so long, but no. We ate, we drank and left the restaurant to go to the pub where QC2, Friction Guy and I would frequent back in the day. It's changed a little since then, but still has the same vibe. We drank more, watched football and played pool. And we talked.

I didn't bring up my recent frustrations because KfW2 talked first about how we've not seen a lot of each other over the past few years and that was something she wanted to fix. She talked about seeing each other more regularly, perhaps even monthly. While we didn't come up with any concrete plans, just the way she talked about it, I didn't think that bringing up the frustrations made any sense. It can be revisited if these plans don't come to fruition.

It ended sooner than I would have liked, though we were four hours in by this stage. I think we were starting to find our conversation/banter groove again just as KfW2's husband came to pick her up which was a little frustrating. But I am hopeful that KfW2's chat about seeing each other more frequently actually means something.

The only slightly negative thing to talk about was when I was talking about being lonely and effectively not seeing anyone since Christmas, she told me to pick up the phone and go see her, and she was quite adamant about that.

However that reminds me of my sister's solution, which involves me making the effort and that's part of what makes me lonely. It's not the lack of company that is the issue (not completely anyway), but sometimes it's other people's lack of effort. Me getting out of the house to visit my sister or KfW2 (or anyone) when they don't visit me is not going to solve the problem when I'm the one who makes the effort most of the time anyway.

But I'm really pleased with how things went yesterday and gives me (us?) something to work towards.

Those were the days.

Yesterday afternoon, from a work perspective, was a washout. Back-to-back pointless meetings for the entire afternoon, so I disengaged and went down a rabbit hole of old blog posts and emails with USHW. A few got me in particular, about QC2.

I had a fairly big crush on her, back in the day. While I never made any moves and I was generally pretty good at not showing it, I'm pretty sure she knew.

But that didn't stop us from being friends and I'm still kinda sad that we simply stopped seeing each other a few times a year for a few drinks.

But the memories, in particular, were of me, QC2 and Friction Guy at our favourite bar. For all her perceived standoffishness, she could be quite tactile with those she liked. And she was, in my opinion, very attractive. So it was always interesting watching the reaction of some of the guys near to us when QC2 would get a few vodkas in and start dishing out the hugs to FG and myself. If she brought out her friends, which she did often, they'd be exactly the same. And they weren't unattractive either.

I may have also mentioned that she wore 501s extremely well, and seemed to have a large collection of black 501s. That, I'm sure, was also a factor in the admiring glances she got in the pub.

But, yeah, it's over ten years since we last saw each other and a much, much longer time since the three of us were in the pub together.

Reconnect.

I've been preoccupied with QC2 all day. It's due to a dream I had last night. I don't remember many of the details, but I recall that I met her randomly, and then tried to reconnect with her. Or I tried to hook up with her. Or both, on separate occasions? The latter, I think. As I said, I don't remember a lot of the dream, though there was more to it, but I definitely tried to reconnect with her and she was having none of it. And I felt sad when I woke up. While we only really saw each other a few times a year, I enjoyed meeting her for drinks, catching up, and even getting some advice from time to time. I do miss her.

Ssshhh!

Years ago, after I left school and most of my friends had gone to university, I worked an office job, where I met QC2, FBS, Friction Guy and that lot.

BW went to university in our home town so we often socialised together. During this time, he had an on-again-off-again girlfriend. I don't think they were particularly good for each other, but they found themselves getting together briefly before drifting apart again for a few months, then repeating.

I think I've blogged about my first date with CAB. Well, this girl was the reason CAB's friend lucked out that evening.

Regardless, this was before CAB or FBS. One night, BW launched himself at the girl and within seconds they were full-on snogging. Her friend was shocked.

"What are you DOING?"

"They're kissing, Rhonda," was my smart-arse reply.

I'd met Rhonda before and we got along well. We were often left talking to each other when BW and the girl inevitably hooked up at the end of the night.

Rhonda laughed.

"I know, silly. But are they going to go through this again?"

I shrugged.

"We don't have to hang around here while they fumble away."

"Where do we go?"

"Home? I'm fucked if I'm waiting around for them to finish"

"I don't want to walk home on my own."

I knew roughly where Rhonda lived and knew that BW's girl lived on the next street, which is why they'd go home together. It was in the opposite direction to where I needed to go, but I could order a taxi from hers. I shared that thought with Rhonda who pondered it briefly and then nodded. It was about 25 minutes walk.

We chatted on the way up the road. Rhonda had explained that she'd had a conversation with BW's girl who was adamant they wouldn't hook up again, hence her somewhat vocal disapproval of their actions. I laughed.

When we arrived at Rhonda's, she invited me in but before I could order a cab, we were kissing. I admit, I'd never given Rhonda any thought toward anything like this, but this first night, I just kind of went along with it. I left a few hours later when I ordered a cab and we eventually stopped snogging.

The thing is, it seemed that we were both on the same page. We both enjoyed ourselves, but there was no desire to take it any further... nor was there any real compulsion to admit what we'd done. Until we had a repeat performance about a month later after BW pulled the same stunt. After that, we both went out of our way to get the two of them together so we could have our own secret fun.

Rhonda and I eventually slept together a couple of times. One morning, as I left Rhonda's and was waiting for the bus, who should amble up but BW. As he saw me, the penny dropped, both in figuring out why I was there and the subtle way Rhonda and I had been putting BW and Rhonda's friend together were suddenly not so subtle.

I don't know what changed. BW and Rhonda's friend stopped hooking up each time they bumped into each other at the pub. Had it run its course? Had Rhonda and I just extended their usual cycle by a few months so we could have our own fun? I never found out. It happened a few times, but the regularity of it ceased.

Rhonda and I slept together once more after that. We bumped into each other at a club, she was headed in a different direction to her friends. I offered, with no assumptions, to walk her home, and she asked me to stay over.

A mostly forgotten memory of my early 20s, until I bumped into Rhonda's friend yesterday while I was at my parents' house. She'd been living just around the corner for years.

She's got the look.

While browsing the internet earlier, I came across this picture of Jessicas Alba.

It provoked a memory of QC2. When we were friends, we would often meet, by accident, in the pub. Our taste in bars was similar, so we often went to the same places. But I remember one night when she turned up in a tight, black, polo-neck jumper, wearing her usual black 501s with boots of some description.

It was a look she pulled off really well. I remember that she was getting a lot of admiring glances that evening, though to be fair, QC2 usually got a lot of admiring glances when she was in the pub.

Hmmm.

I woke up this morning with a rapidly fading dream on my mind. I don't remember any of the details, just that it featured someone who was giving me comfort and advice, though I cannot remember the reasons why. I think it was a composite of QC2 and KfW2, but I can't say for certain.

And for some reason, it has me feeling a little down and somewhat lonely.

Ooops.

While twenty years is a long time, the recent trawl through some old MSN logs continues to bemuse me with the revelations that I was more confident in my feelings towards E than I can remember. It wasn't just F. I've mentioned QC2, but I've also uncovered logs from other online friends where I admit both feelings for E and optimism that it might actually work out.

While I don't expect to remember everything from back in the day, the fact that I completely forgot about this is... concerning? I don't know if that's the correct word. This isn't some random girl that I met in the pub one night and never saw again, like Chloe or Near Miss. It's someone important to me, so being unable to remember feelings so unambiguous that I was telling QC2, F and others about it feels at least a little weird.

I am massively enjoying reading the logs again though, including F's updates about how much K really didn't know me as a person.

Whoops 3: Revenge of the Whoops

I've continued to trawl through my chat logs with F through the summer of 2004. I'm surprised by how open I've been with F. A few days ago, I blogged about sharing my excitement at visiting E, F's own excitement about E and I possibly hooking up/getting together and QC2's post-visit email asking if I got my rocks off.

There are other conversations, too. After sharing with F that I was meeting an attractive brunette for drinks (QC2), I've semi-admitted to F that I found her to be attractive and was greatly appreciative of her arse in a pair of 501s, though I don't think I ever admitted to having a crush on her back in the day.

This was all around the time I interviewed for, and actually got, a job in the career of my choice. 

Whoops.

As tends to be the case, my appalling memory led me to my old MSN chat logs, to try and make sense of the timelines from the last post.

And, actually, it wasn't that far off. It was pre-blog, so I never recorded anything here, but the chat with K was pretty much a year to the day that we'd had sex.

What I was surprised about, and what prompted this post, was a conversation with F a month prior to K's chat. I was days away from a trip to visit E. This was before she moved abroad. F was encouraging me to make a move on E. But I don't ever recall admitting to having strong romantic feelings for E. It's always been ambiguous. She was a friend of mine, I loved spending time with her; she was physically attractive and had a nice rack. But did I like her more than that? I don't think I've ever come to a concrete decision on that. I was comfortable in her presence, though.

And yet, F was super-excited for me, giving me tips on reading body language, all with a view to making a move if I ever saw any interest.

And, obviously, I never made a move. In another surprising revelation, the chat logs have me explaining to F how E was gushing about some new man she was chasing and F being sympathetic. I also make comments about QC2 asking me if I "got my rocks off" with E. I really don't remember sharing any of this with anyone.

I simply don't recall that at all. I remember lots about that specific weekend away, including E bent over a pool table and E correctly identifying my preference for tall brunettes, but I don't recall anything about this guy.

F also shared a lot of her conversations with K, who wasn't as over me as she would have led me to believe and was accusing me, behind my back, of leading her on.

Point of view.

There was a post made on Reddit over the weekend about having a woman "best friend". Now, first of all, I don't know that I've ever had a "best friend". There's no one person out there who knows all about me nor is there one person that I'd go to, no matter what.

I do have close friends, though.

Regardless, the question provoked some thought and some reminiscing. Despite having a lot of social anxiety, I guess I've been lucky in that I've been friends with some great women.

It also kicked up a bit of nostalgia. I'm not in contact with QC2 or CH any longer, which saddens me. I miss them both, for different reasons. But it must be ten years for QC2 and eight years for CH. At least since we had a proper conversation.

USHW and I haven't really had a proper conversation in years, since 2019.

AM also disappeared, but that was as much my decision as hers as I stopped making the effort and her own lack of effort ensured that we pretty much stopped communicating.

E moved across to the other side of the world, though my friendship with E was different from those than the others. Where I did lean on the others for a female perspective at times, it's something I never did with E.

And finally, KfW2. I don't need to say any more... there have been more than enough posts over the years about her. All I'll do here is reiterate how much she means to me, and how I wish we'd see more of each other these days.

And in comparison to the average person on Reddit, I seem to be doing very well in the "female friends" stakes.

Tonight.

I'm meeting G tonight. FP has pretty much ruled himself out as he's not feeling great, though I have a gut feeling he'll try to come out. M's off on his holidays, I think, so I'm not expecting his presence.

We're going to a local bar rather than heading into the town. It's a nice bar, but I've only ever been in it on a Sunday afternoon/evening or during the week (it's where I would have my semi-regular catch-ups with QC2 back in the day), so I'm intrigued to see what the weekend crowd is like.

Random nonsense

As I was randomly surfing Reddit yesterday, I happened across not one, but two pictures of Alison Brie. They're interesting because they make a point that I'm pretty sure I've blogged about before... her resemblance (if you squint) to both CH and QC2.

In her younger days, around Community specifically, there was a definite CH thing going on (again, I'm not claiming any celeb posted on the blog is a spitting image of someone I know, but it's that certain features give off a similar vibe). And now, it seems to be more QC2.

Just random stuff for a Monday morning.