Reminiscing.

It's E's birthday today. It brings back a lot of memories. I used to visit around this time to help celebrate her birthday. It used to involve pizza, cinema, playing pool and a butt-load of booze before we'd carry each other back to hers, having a great, drunken time.

Times change. She's thousands of miles away with a family now, so those days are behind us, but I've been slack in keeping in touch with her (and a few others like G, to be honest). I must try and set up some time to chat with her.

Pondering

According to one of those flashback things on Facebook, posted by KfW2, it made me realise that it was recently four years to the day when my friendship with DSC effectively ended. I didn't realise that at the time, mind you. It only became apparent later that I had no interest in continuing making the effort.

I'm slightly bemused by her infrequent attempts to make contact, especially the right swipes on Tinder. Not enough to actually do anything about it, mind you!

Looking forward

Recently, I went through a bit of a bad patch at work. I'm still coming out the other side of it, to be honest, but I'm a lot less obviously stressed/anxious. KfW2, though, is now going through the same thing as I did, for pretty much the same reasons - we put pressure on ourselves, but at the same time, there's little help from a manager who's thousands of miles away.

She also has family things to worry about - nothing major in her immediate family, but other aspects - her uncle, for example, is going through a very tough time.

When I was speaking to KfW2 on the phone earlier, she sounded in a really bad way. She admitted to me this morning that she hadn't been feeling well in a week or so, then admitted the stress later on. During one conversation, she was practically in tears...

I hope I was able to help with the advice I could give. If she'd admitted any of the above to me outside work, I'd have given her a hug. That's not the kind of thing you do in the office, though, is it?

From my own perspective, I'm looking forward to the next few weeks. Socially, I have a few things coming up - a work thing plus G's home this weekend, followed by a big night out the weekend after. Throw into the mix a few days off work and there's lots on the horizon.

Cheers.

S called and suggested a BBQ at his, followed by a trip into town. I've not been out with any of that crowd in what seems like months, so I agreed immediately.

I did have tentative plans for another thing that might have clashed, but the actual details were too vague for my liking, so I binned it off.

At S's place, with the beers cracked open, GM was telling us about Sports Girl. She's dating someone else now, but is still being her usual flaky self. While she proclaims that she wants to be friends with GM, she's being naive in believing that they continue to see each other socially without taking time apart after they split up.

Anyway, SG has been taking it out on GM, even though the issues she's facing are of SG's making.

The side-effect of this is that we can hopefully leave her aside from social outings for a while to give her and GM the space they need.

Additionally, we got on to the subject of online dating again. GM has, in the past, suggested that his results aren't great. But he and S then spent a while talking about messages and opportunities. They're obviously getting far better results than I am, even if they're not translating matches and conversations into dates.

Later, while in the town, GM and I were looking for females, but it was a weird night. It was hard to find single women. It seemed to be a very couple-y night in the town. Even those without male company seemed to be engaged or married.

There were a couple of standouts - both tall, attractive women. One reminded me of KfW2 in terms of how she carried herself and her general attitude rather than looks. The other was a really cute brunette. Sadly, the former was out with her significant other, while the latter was engaged.

The evening was fun but otherwise uneventful. We parted ways well into the early hours of this morning.

With any luck, we'll do it all again in a few weeks.

Oooooh.

Sports Girl is in England with one of her sports. So?

Night out! Currently it's looking like myself, S and GM.

As I've said before, it's not like I dislike SG, but I've definitely cooled off on her since she dated GM and disappeared off the face of the planet (the emphasis there on the disappearing rather than dating GM).

Even though they've broken up, it's like I can't organise anything without having to invite her or having her invited.

Like, she doesn't realise that we're GM's friends more than hers and the logical and proper thing to do (in my opinion) is take a step back from that. She hasn't made that connection though and is forever popping up on Facebook, tagging GM's friends as they go the gym and various random sporty things.

So, I'm looking forward to a non-SG night out.

Small digest.

Another month, another "match" from DSC appearing in my Tinder companion app. I am slightly intrigued by why she keeps swiping on me on Tinder - is it simply to make contact or is/has she always been romantically interested? It's not going to make me get in touch with her though.

In other news, the long-discussed travel plans with FP have actually been finalised! We've managed to get all the ducks lined up in a row in terms of our respective time off and decent flight prices. It's all booked, paperwork is done and we'll be jetting off mid-September.

There's also a planned night out in about three weeks. So far, KfW2, FP, CC and S have all said they're going. FC, Sports Girl and GM have yet to reply. Even with those who have replied, it should be a good night.

What, what?

CC sent a text as I was leaving work to ask if I wanted to go out for dinner. I had half-expected her to suggest going for a walk, but it was that humid and muggy last night, I'd never have bothered.

But dinner was a different matter. CC wanted to sit outside somewhere so we left the city to try a couple of excellent gastropubs along the coast. The first was fully booked - that was no surprise. The second had stopped serving food outside by the time we arrived down. We had a third option to consider, but CC decided we'd settle.

As we were led to our seats, I noticed a large party of people sat in the corner. I immediately spotted a guy who works for the same company as myself and CC. However, the interesting bit was the girl sat beside him. At first glance, it looked like CB. I pretty much did a double-take. Even at second glance, it looked like CB.

Annoyingly, CC took the seat facing the party, so my opportunities to investigate further were limited. By the time we were leaving the pub, I'd had enough glances to know that it wasn't CB... but I've never seen a lookalike who is that much of a doppelganger.

Oh FFS.

Suffice to say that it didn't take long for the first (and hopefully only) flaw to be found. Typically, it was just as I was starting to feel less anxious and looking forward to a few days off. So instead of leaving the office at 5 PM for a relaxing weekend, it was near 7 PM before I left and I'm back to being stressed out again.

The timing was interesting - I'd literally just sent my email to my remote boss, detailing all the stuff I was dealing with, when the report came in. I'm back in the office on Tuesday, but our next chat isn't due until Wednesday.

It'll be interesting to see how that goes and how much attention that remote boss has been paying. As I implied in my email, while there have been issues, they are a result of poor management rather than carelessness on my part, though they were avoidable.

A few months ago, my remote boss told me that we were a team player. We did what it takes to get the job done. Well, I did that, and flaws are slipping through the net. It's not just me - other people aren't doing their job. Funny how, as a team player, remote boss seems to single out individuals for criticism without ever giving any credit.

Fingers crossed.

I'm hoping that the stresses of the past five months are now over. The latest project has been delivered and while I expect flaws to be found, I can at least say that it's not because of a lack of effort or quality on my part.

I spoke to one of my local managers today about the situation with the remote guy and I believe I have a direction. I've sent an email that explains how stressed I am, why I believe I'm stressed, where I could have done better around this (communication, mainly) and yet state that despite all that, I've actually done well in difficult circumstances. There are undercurrents to it - my boss needs to be more aware of what's going on etc. but I'm hoping that it starts a conversation.

In other news, which may or many not be related to the work stuff, I've recently noticed a bit of hair loss. It seems to be quite obvious in some lighting conditions but not in others. Sadly, hair loss is not a trait that runs in either side of my family, so if it's genetic rather than stress related, then it's yet another physical condition that I seem to have picked up from nowhere that doesn't affect anyone else in the family.

Oh and I arrived home to a card from Royal Mail. Someone has tried to deliver something, but I wasn't in and it's too big for my letter box. Has my dream come true and Jessica Alba has mailed herself to me?

Oh dear

Suffice to say that the recent stresses have meant that my fitness plans have stalled. The progress that I'd made are still there - the water drinking and a few minor tweaks, but there's no other way to say it... I'm comfort eating. I can point to the empty packet of Oreos as evidence.

Arguably I have been for some time - possibly since the end of last year. I'm only realising that now though as the full extent of how stressed I have been has become clear over the past few days.

I know that doing more exercise will help manage the stress but the motivation is simply not there by the time I get home from work. It's a mental block that I've simply got to overcome.

Grrr... (Part 4)

Off this post, my manager and I had another meeting. He never mentioned my time keeping (I have a sneaking suspicion that my local manager might have said something), but we did get onto the issues he keeps seeing. They aren't issues per se. It seems that he and I have a differing opinion about how I go about things. I don't think I'm making bad judgement calls, just that they're different to his, and often without as much information that he has access to.

When we had the meeting on Wednesday, I'd had two "issues" against my name. One of them, you could chalk down to, well, I don't want to say carelessness, but it was avoidable. The other was due to having incorrect/incomplete information. There was an undercurrent from him that I can't afford to have too many more. However, potentially one cropped up yesterday. It was pretty inevitable - it was a large project, big enough for two people, though my partner was removed to satisfy a HIGHER UP's request and timelines weren't adjusted, so rushing to get 11 weeks of work done in 7 weeks meant that it was likely that something was going to give.

It's annoying because I can't remember the last time, before he took over, that I had one, if ever. It's been a bad six months, but mainly for reasons that he is control of and all stems from one or two decisions made around Christmas.

In isolation, without context, having three issues in six months is pretty poor. But with context - mopping up other people's errors, doing eleven weeks worth of work in less than seven weeks, having focus taken away from my priorities by my manager, who expects me to do something else because of the HIGHER UPS etc. then I think I've done OK this year so far.

I'm trying to be realistic. I've said OK - I'm not claiming that I've done brilliantly. I've felt that I've been fire-fighting this year - reacting to changes and demands rather than being able to sit down and just do my job - and that's been hugely stressful. 

KfW2 asked me to go to hers on Friday night for dinner. It's an invite she's made once or twice before. I've always suspected that she had ulterior motives for doing so, and this time was no exception. I think she maybe had seen how stressed I am and wanted to talk.

We had a quick drink after work and headed to hers. There was nothing special, no ulterior motive, nothing out of the ordinary happened, but it was one of the best nights I've had in months because for the four or five hours I was at KfW2's house, I switched off. I didn't think about work or the stressful projects or manager... and it was brilliant.

When she called yesterday, I told her as much and explained the reasons why.

It only dawned on me on Saturday morning that I had switched off, and that made me a little sad. Partly because I can't turn it off ordinarily - I know I'm good at my job, the mistakes/issues do annoy me, though I still think my manager is over-reacting. It's also partly because I come home to an empty house and the stress doesn't go away... and that's a loneliness issues cropping up again.

A lot of this stuff I should be bringing up with my boss, but after many emails that seem to be over-reacting, I simply feel that I can't talk to him, nor do I think he will listen.

I will try and get some time with one of the local managers as soon as possible this coming week, to talk to them for some advice. I feel like I've been on edge since January, getting worse since the first 'rant' in March and, as to paraphrase the comic book/film character Blade, like I've been ice-skating uphill.

Not spotted today...

...CH!

The run has come to an end after two days and my daydream of meeting her each day with things going a little further than the last, culminating in us screwing each other's brains out has fallen apart.

Ah well.

Spotted again today...

the lesser seen CH!

This is a bit familiar. When did this last happen?

This time, however, I approached her. We were in the same shop, after all. We had a chat, walking around the shop, paying for our purchases and walking back to our respective offices. It was nice talking to her again. And appreciating her rack, of course.

As we parted ways, she suggested we meet for a coffee. I, once again, left everything in her court as she's always more busy than I am. I doubt we'll have that coffee though.

Grrr... (Part 3)

Following on from this post, I thought things had calmed down with a manager in work. That is, until I arrived in on Monday to a series of increasingly angry emails that had been sent on Friday afternoon.

I wasn't around. I had left at 3 PM, having completed both my hours and tasks for the week mainly due to having to work until 9 PM on Tuesday because someone else wasn't doing their job. This is all within my company's guidelines about flexible working.

The emails weren't about my timekeeping, but rather something I was assigned a few weeks ago. I had put it on the back burner due to other, more urgent, issues that I was working on. But my manager needed an update. I wasn't giving it the urgency he had dictated, he said. In fact, he hadn't dictated ANY urgency and I had made a judgement call based on my own observations.

He eventually admitted that I had made the right call, but that because the request had originated from a HIGHER UP, that it was automatically more important and that I should have been providing regular updates.

He's wrong, mostly, but you can't tell him that. There was no decision I could have made that wouldn't have come back to bite me in the arse, but because I had included a local manager, he couldn't give me random abuse as he had done last time.

He had made a rather snooty comment about wanting to talk about my time keeping. Our next scheduled meeting is tomorrow. The thing I don't think he realises is that everyone in my company operates the same way - it's the company policy after all. Any criticism to come to me should be directed to everyone. I don't think he'll like it when I tell him that, though.

I feel like I'm busting my gut, taking on extra things to prove my worth and get a pay rise and show flexibility, but not get the recognition for it for no reason at all.

Things might need to get escalated.

Spotted today...

...the lesser seen CH!

She was walking around the city centre, on her own. She was across the street and if I hadn't had my own errands to run, I'd have gone to talk to her.

I'd have liked to, especially after the recent series of dreams, but time was against me.

Goal getting.

I've mentioned it once before, in my goals post for this year, but I've taken the decision to start a Freeletics programme. This looks to be more intensive than the yoga that I've been doing, but it also comes with a nutrition plan.

It's this latter aspect that's the most interesting and appealing to me. The nutrition aspect was the bit that always got me confused when I tried to do research. I know the basic maths involved in calorie intake/deficit, but I need actual advice around food, recipes etc. which I believe that this programme will offer.

It's also seems to be quite cheap. For example, it's roughly £50 for three months. That's much cheaper than a gym membership and personal trainer, for what appears to be a similar service. I'm led to believe that it's a mostly automated system rather than having an actual person assigned to look after me, though.

I've reached out to a few sources for further information, but I could sign up within the next few days if I get the answers I require.

More dreams.

The sleepless nights continue. Or rather, not having a full night's sleep. I'm waking around three or four times a night, but I can't figure out why. I can turn over and get to sleep again, but it's more an inconvenience than anything.

Last night was no different, and there's yet another dream that I can remember, featuring both CH and KfW2. This time the three of us were in the pub, making plans. A good night was had by all, then we went back to CH's house as we were partying in her town. I woke the next morning to find KfW2 and I sleeping in the same bed. We were fully clothed, but wrapped around each other - however, it was completely platonic. CH cooked breakfast and KfW2 and I left afterwards.

Again, it provoked a pang of loneliness.

Sports Girl was suggesting that we did some dating nights together. It's a good idea, but SG is flaky. She said that she'll sort it all out, but I suspect that it will fall by the wayside. I wouldn't do it by myself, so if she doesn't arrange it, then it's not gonna happen.

There was a semi-drunken Facebook chat with IG on Friday who was on a date last night, but there was a comment she'd made about the person she wanted to ask her out, hadn't.

That goes back to a drunken set of texts IG sent a about a month ago. I'm wondering if they're related and she's hinting to me.

IG is a nice girl, but there's no attraction there...

Sigh.

The dreams, or rather, remembering dreams is coming thick and fast these days. Last night's was a little on the weird side. Without going into detail it involved JB asking me to be her gym buddy as she was getting beach ready. I refused, for reasons I can't remember. Cut to later when JB and KfW2 (who ended up being her gym buddy) are showing off their abs. Mmm... girls with abs.

This then seemed to segue into some kind of Pirates of the Caribbean adventure (complete with Jack Sparrow) that somehow involved zombies and machine guns.

Then I woke up.

Then KfW2 was in contact in work to let me know she wasn't going to make our work event tonight. I was disappointed. Today was chosen specifically because she had a babysitter, but as she's been running around this week after her eldest son (who's got no life skills), it was inevitable that she would work from home today and that would scupper her socialising.

But then she let slip that she and her friend downed over three bottles of wine yesterday and that she was massively hungover today and this, in fact, was the reason she won't come out tonight.

It's not often I'm actually angry at/with KfW2, but this is definitely one of those times.