Oh dear.

For the third time in a month, CH featured in a dream I had last night. This one is different to the previous two, in that it was very much child-friendly.

However, all it did was remind me that the core of a very good friendship was thrown away. The dream pretty much consisted of CH coming to my desk in work, asking after various mutual friends. I would point them out to CH and she would trot over and engage with them before disappearing back to wherever she came from. It happened with people like KfW2, MF and OK, to name a few.

Suffice to say, I woke this morning tired (sleep has been an issue over the past week or so) and a little sad.

My friendship with CH would always have been halted by her boundaries and priorities, and it would never have been anything like my friendship with KfW2 (though I maintain our affection for each other meant it could have) but it was still sad that it ended and that it ended in the manner it did.

Uh oh.

It's going to be a busy weekend. First of all, we have double header of work events on Friday. I'm not going to be sober by the end of that.

And today, completely by accident during another conversation, GM and I managed to tentatively arrange something for Saturday night. I think most of the others will be invited, though I had kinda hoped that he'd make it a "boys only" affair.

I don't think we should pander to Sports Girl who might feel left out, but that's not my concern. She chose to make herself unavailable when she was dating GM. That's ended now and it kind of annoys me that she immediately decided that things would go back to how they used to be... at the expense of GM at the time.

Suffice to say, when GM put it to the group, SG immediately chipped in.

It's not that I dislike SG, but she needs to learn that she won't be invited to everything.

Dream a little dream.

Despite doing a 4 mile walk in the blistering heat yesterday afternoon that followed a few hours of working in the garden, sleep didn't come easily last night.

It should have. Embarrassingly, that was one of the most active days that I've had in quite some time. And even the walk was done at a much higher pace than I'd usually accomplish with CC. 16 minutes per mile versus 21 minutes per mile on average.

But it didn't. Sleep eventually came, but was broken - I was awake almost on an hourly basis last night all the way through to this morning.

At some point though, I must have drifted off to deep enough sleep to have a dream about CH. One of those dreams, if you catch my drift. I can't think why, though. I've not thought about CH in some time, not since the last dream at the start of this month (and this one seemed awfully familiar to that one).

But it did make me think of her today, and even after her being flaky, I do miss her from time to time... but I don't know that putting any effort in to making contact is worth the bother, just to revisit old ground.

Still, I've been knackered all day... hopefully sleep will come easier tonight.

Pondering.

A few weeks ago, KfW2 suggested that I visited hers tomorrow night for a BBQ. It's her hubby's friend's 40th. I may have mentioned him before - sometimes I'm not convinced that KfW2 likes him that much. The only time he ever goes to their house and KfW2 invites me down. I'm pretty ambivalent towards him, but he seems pretty immature.

She gave me a few days to think it over, but warned me that the deadline was the deadline. After that, it would be too late as plans would be made, groceries bought etc.

The deadline passed, I never gave an answer. I was too busy and stressed with work, but she did ask.

"I think I'll give it a miss," I said.

KfW2 seemed OK.

It was a combination of not knowing how the week was going to go, work-wise and simply being out of my comfort zone with regards to people. I knew all the people going - I'd met them at KfW2's wedding - and they're all really nice, but we have little in common. They're all settled with families etc.

Yesterday, as I was leaving work for a long weekend, I offered to do KfW2 some favours while she went to get her hair done for a wedding. Nothing big - just pick up a few things she needed to save her time. I thought I might have gotten her to stay out for an hour as well for a drink. The weather here was gorgeous.

She declined the offer, but I suggested I'd accompany her to the shops regardless as I didn't particularly want to go home and I had my own shopping to do. Then my brother-in-law phoned me and suggested a barbecue. Well... all bets are off when a BBQ is on the cards!

As I was on the bus home KfW2 sent a text.

"Why don't you want to come up this weekend?"

I kinda sensed an undercurrent to it, more than just nosiness. Was it anger? It would be unlike her, but my gut is saying there's something here. Disappointment, maybe? That's more likely. While the guests tomorrow are KfW2 and her hubby's friends, I think they're more his friends than hers.

Maybe she simply wanted one of her own friends to be there?

Sigh.

As expected and posted in yesterday's digest, it's been another stressful day. It's likely to continue to be so until tomorrow morning at the earliest, tomorrow afternoon at the latest. Some of this goes back to my confidence issues. I know that I am good at my job, but sometimes when things go wrong (as I explained this is about 20% me, 80% other factors), I get stressed.

I like time to think, but the past two weeks has been scrambling, chasing my tail at the behest of others because of a compressed timescale that was someone else's fault. If I were working with other people, that might not be an issue, but my project partner was allocated another project months ago and I've been doing this myself.

There will be finger pointing and there will be a fight about who's to blame and I have to rely on a boss who's 5000 miles away and, I suspect, doesn't even like me.

I also can't turn off. Without stimulus, distraction and company, I simply focus on the issues and that's not helpful. To be honest, it's made me feel a little bit lonely, not having someone I can talk to, hug, who would take my mind off the issues.

In addition, I ran out of oil last week, it was delivered today and I fired up the central heating for some hot water... but the boiler won't fire. I've no instruction manual and all my tools seem to have disappeared during my big decorating phase of last summer/autumn. I'll probably make a call out to the parents or brother-in-law tomorrow evening.

Looks like another sleepless night. Sigh.

A Small Digest

The fitness thing is still gaining traction, albeit very slowly. The water intake is still strong, but it's still too easy to forget. I've not yet formed that habit. Portion management is still in flux. I started off well, but have since fallen away somewhat. It's not that surprising. I think the portion management will be the single most difficult thing I do in this whole weight loss/fitness thing.

Exercise is the next step. I've been doing some very light weights to work on my shoulder that's now actually pain free since whatever happened to it six month ago. Six months, FFS. I'll do that for the next week and see what happens. The same applies to the Achilles issue. Lots of heel lifts to strengthen the muscles in my lower leg as well as stretching the Achilles too, as the tightness was what caused the injuries in the first place. Once I'm happy with those two,  then start into the Yoga.

Work has been stressful recently. More remote boss issues plus some work that's gone wrong (partly my fault, mostly a combination of various factors though). It should be over with in a few days, but those few days will seem like a lifetime. With the weather picking up, I'm hoping to take a day or so over the bank holiday weekend. I might be able to do it without taking any personal time and just using time in lieu.

And that's about it... apart from Attractive Neighbour posting on Facebook about a new TV programme for single guys. I was tempted for all of about 2 milliseconds. TV is not my bag.

Oh, and a night out with FBS, D and Friction Guy on Friday. Nothing much to report apart from a suspicious number of times FBS's hand brushed my leg in the pub and a kiss (on the lips) goodbye, getting out of the taxi, rather than our usual hug. It was good fun, very drunken and much needed after a terrible week at work.

Recollection.

There's a list of things I need to do here at Ruuude HQ - small jobs, big jobs and recurring jobs. But I'm a lazy man and so in order to avoid doing this week's house cleaning, I found myself sorting out some paperwork.

By paperwork, I mean deciding which pieces I need to keep and that I can recycle.

When going through my filing cabinet, I came across letters that I received from R2. I thought I'd lost them, it had been so long since I'd last seen them.

I haven't re-read them, but the postage dates on the envelopes were an eye opener. Where it was my recollection that these letters and the circumstances around them were late 1997, it turned out that it was actually a few years earlier than that.

It's not hugely important, but it means that other noteworthy things happened within a much shorter time - meeting QC1, dating CAB, sleeping with FBS all happened within a couple of years instead of the five year spread that I'd remembered.

Errr...

I can't remember the last time I posted while tipsy, but here I am. It was a busy day in work, so I treated myself to a  few beers afterwards and, well, it's escalated somewhat.

And now I've forgotten what I was going to say.

Oops.

I'll hit "publish" anyway. Why not? Damnit, I don't have a post title.

Not grrrr...

I was sat on the bus this morning, looking through my phone for music to energise me. I was already in a good mood - see this post about the weather and stuff, but music can really help kick start my day.

I found a song, Turn Up by The Heavy, if you were wondering. As it kicked in, my foot was tapping, my head was nodding and I was peering out the window. Only one person got on at the next stop, a genuinely stunning looking brunette girl. She was very similar to a girl I've seen numerous times on the various dating apps.

I went back top looking out the window as she walked along the bus looking for a seat. She sat beside me, typing away on her phone as I grooved away in my own seat.

Eventually, I had to get off, so I made my way past her, off the bus and into the coffee shop.

When I got into the office and logged onto my PC, I was looking through Facebook. Who should pop up in a photo from last weekend at a bar I've liked on Facebook? Not bus girl, but the similar online dating girl!

Grrr...

Yesterday was a very KfW2 day. She's very busy at the moment with a massive and important project. However, her family commitments and our company's flexible working arrangements mean that she's not often in the office.

So she finally makes it into the office, nearly 40 minutes late. That's not a massive problem because we can make up the time at a later stage. She then spends over an hour trying to find her phone using various online tools. This is after me telling her where it is, after she told me her whereabouts all the previous day.

Then it's lunchtime. We go for a walk. She's clearly frazzled. It's been a tough ten days for her, with various family emergencies going on, news breaking and the like. But rather than just enjoy the fresh air, she's in a rush to get back to her desk. She's busy, she says.

Then I go in to four hours of meetings in the afternoon. She sends an IM near the end of my last meeting:

"Let's take a break."

I agree and suggest an outdoors lap of the building for some sun and fresh air.

"No, I can't take that long, I'm really busy"

We adjourn to the canteen where we sit for half an hour - much longer than a lap of the building would have taken. Then she rushes back to her desk and spends another half an hour having an argument with her husband over various phones.

I've complained about it before - her claims to be busy (she really is, I understand that), but I don't understand the other stuff that takes her away from it. Having a coffee in the sun and chatting might help ease her mind a bit and stop the stress, but she rushes away from something like that. However, somewhat pointless time-wasting is a priority.

KfW2 is one of my closest friends and I love her for it, but she can be frustrating at times.

Can't that be said about most close friends though?

On your marks...

I've been slow to get really into my fitness and weight loss regime but I have made a sort-of start. I've been taking on more water, for about a week and a half now. E once told me it takes 21 days to form a habit, so I'm well on my way there.

In addition, I'm starting to manage my portion sizes. I'm snacking on raw nuts and cutting out crisps and chocolate as well. This is only the start of the dietary changes I want to make, but as I've repeatedly said on the blog that massive changes are too big a change...

Smaller increments mean I am liable to keep on with the changes I make.

The next step will be to get into the exercise more. I realised the other day that my shoulder is in MUCH better shape than I'd realised, which is a good thing. So, probably about this time next week, I'll try the DDP Yoga, get into a routine with that, and then maybe add further exercise.

I still can't get my heart rate monitor/fitness tracker to connect to my fitness app though, which is very disappointing.

Oooh.

One thing I've noticed with my third party Tinder app on my phone is that when I fire up proper Tinder, those who have swiped right on me (as indicated by the third party app) tend to (but not always) show up first.

So, even though my third party app currently shows no people who have swiped right, should I be scared that for the last four days, the first person who appears in proper Tinder is CC?

Sigh.

Since GM and Sports Girl split, SG has annoyed me by refusing to take a back seat. She's been regularly trying to arrange nights out with the rest of the group. While she regards us as friends (and it's reciprocated to an extent), it'd be nice if she had even a little bit of self-awareness.

She's not given GM the space that he needed after the breakup and barring one short conversation, she's not admitted that she's the outsider. Even now, SG seems to be spending time with GM's friend, if Facebook is to believed.

It's annoyed me that both GM and SG went AWOL while they were dating each other. While GM has been my friend for longer, SG and I were in almost constant contact prior the two of them dating - dozens of Whatsapp messages on a daily basis.

Now I get the feeling that I can't arrange anything with GM without SG wanting an invite. In fact, SG is always trying to arrange something in the group chat.

I don't know what the score is between GM and SG these days. It's now been about four months since they split, but there's been little in the way of the two of them spending any time apart. I can't get GM out to chat with him because he's either being flaky in himself (he's turned down the chance to go out the past two nights) or he can't get out alone.

Hmmm.

Another day, another match on Tinder by DSC (seen via a third party app) and a new message, this time by Whatsapp. She's persistent, I'll give her that.

HHnnnnng.

A few years ago, before it went wrong with CH, we were out on a night out with work people. It was around her birthday, so I'd bought her a card. Nothing extravagant - just funny. She left early-ish as was her routine to get a bus home, but she had kissed me a few times... nothing out of the ordinary for CH... they just seemed to linger a bit longer than you might expect with a platonic friend.

Certainly any kiss on the lips I've gotten off KfW2 hasn't been anything other than a peck. With CH, it was just a little longer.

We swapped text messages as well, and just like the night she invited me out for a drink only to chicken out, there was an undercurrent to it. Some of it is detailed in this post. I know I spoke to USHW about it at the time. I think KfW2 as well, at some point.

Regardless, I dreamt about CH last night. The basis of the dream was the night described above, only she didn't get the bus home. There was more drinking, then she stayed over at mine (not my current place, but my old place), taking the sofa. Only to claim the sofa was uncomfortable as she slipped into bed with me and cuddled up, whereupon we ended up having sex.

Suffice to say, when I woke this morning, I was extremely frustrated. I haven't thought about CH in any way in months. There's been no contact since our last coffee over a year ago and the Words with Friends games have dried up as well - she kept timing out.

Happy.

The weather always, I think, affects peoples' moods. The fact that it's been bright and sunny where I live, albeit not particularly warm has meant you can see people visibly be happier.

So, despite being busy all this week, I've a spring in my step.

Even minor hiccups this week have been dealt with without any fuss or escalation. That hasn't been the case recently.

So despite the massive queue for the bus on the way home, I was in good spirits. As other buses came and went, the queue thinned out leaving only three people getting my bus - a tall bloke and a thin girl.

The girl was brunette. I like brunettes. She had a short, bob haircut. I don't mind short hair - some women really suit it. She had a nice bum in jeans too. Hang on... it couldn't be Quiet Girl, could it?

It was! She sat near the back of the bus, while I sat at the front, facing her... trying not to stare, but at the same time trying to catch her eye. She is one of these people that simply doesn't acknowledge you despite what might have happened in the past. While our interaction has only been a night of drunken dancing and a forced conversation on the bus, she pretty much ignores me as we pass in the corridors in work.

I think I caught her looking at me out of the corner of my eye while I was staring out the window, but she definitely wasn't looking in my direction when I was looking around the bus. Deliberately, I think.

Regardless, it's the weekend. There may be an outside chance of meeting GM later or tomorrow for a few drinks and I've got some much needed gardening to do while the weather's nice.

It should be a productive weekend.

Oh, errr... ummm...

The work night out came and went. It was decent enough without anything earth shattering happening. I dragged Stalky Guy round to meet GM, S and Sports Girl (he already knew GM and S from other nights) and we had a few drinks. Sports Girl got me up dancing, but I had my eye on a CAB-esque girl who turned out to be married. Luckily, I found that out before causing any trouble.

I called it quits around midnight and made my way home.

I had some messages...

Late Friday Night
IG:
You still up? Still ok if I stay at yours?
Sorry wrong person

IG:
I'm pissed at you for not replying
Either cuz I like you in real life
Or cuz I'm insane
But I'm definitely insane so...
And also you're rude and inappropriate in real life so...

Early Saturday
IG:
Ignore everything here. I'm actually just insane.

Now, I've never given IG any reason to think anything could happen between us. There's a fifteen year age gap that's too much for me, for starters. She has kids (almost a deal-breaker for me, though she doesn't know this "rule") and while she's good fun, I'm simply not attracted to her, physically.

Regardless, I laughed it off with IG and haven't mentioned it since.

I did overhear her have some banter with her gay best mate - she was implying that GBM should try it on with Stalky Guy and GBM's retort implied IG might say something to me. IG told GBM that he had the wrong idea there. That's the only thing that raised any eyebrows, and even then I've no  idea if it was serious or just banter - the wording was vague enough that I don't even know that I was the one being talked about. Stalky Guy would never go for GBM. I don't think Stalky Guy is gay for starters.

Having spoken to USHW and KfW2 separately, I've no idea if the messages were for me or if it was a continuation of the "Can I stay at yours?" convo to the unknown third party. I've never been rude or inappropriate with IG (unless she's been super-sensitive) either. KfW2 wants to know more though and my indifference to getting the details is frustrating her.