Sunny Monday

So, this is probably the first week since I started calorie counting where I can say that I've been disappointed by the numbers on the scale.

232.8 lbs

That's the same weight as last week, so I've still not gained anything, but barring Friday afternoon's trip to the pub (burger and chips and three pints), I've been mostly calorie counting and/or eating better, there's been a little exercise in the form of some walking and the gardening, so I had hoped to see a downward movement in the weight numbers, even if it were just a little bit.

I kinda knew there'd be a plateau, but I didn't think it would be as early as the fourth week and last for two weeks. I might have to change things up a bit both in eating and exercise habits.

Still, the weather's still good and that's gotten me in a much better mood than I have been of late, so time to go again.

Mini Digest

For the first time this year, the sun is out and it's warm. The grass in my back garden is cut and if I had any garden furniture, I'd be sat out with a beer and a book.

I messaged KfW2 a few days ago to start the conversation about our day/night out, but she's not really addressed the subject.

And as a surprise, D called in to see me this morning, just as I was setting up the lawnmower. We chatted for an hour or so over coffee, before he went on his way. He had tried to get FBS out, but she had childcare problems.

Hello again.

Following on from my trip to KfW2's a few weeks ago, I met a few people yesterday in the pub including Nerdy Girl and a couple of  ex-colleagues. While we were only out for a few hours and it ended all-too-early in my opinion, it was brilliant seeing people face to face. Hopefully, the vaccination programme will enable the lockdown restrictions to continue to ease and I can see more people over the coming weeks.

Oh!

FA2 was on my mind yesterday, but I couldn't put my finger on why until I logged into Facebook last night and saw that it was her birthday. Which means last Saturday (or Friday if you ask FA2) was when we became an item.

It was also ES's birthday.

I only left one birthday message. Can you guess to whom?

Keep on truckin'

A bit of a hiccup this week, when stepping on the scales. I'm 0.2 lbs heavier than last week. Admittedly my calorie counting lapsed a little this week and I did pretty much drink an entire day's worth of calories in beer when watching Eurovision on Saturday night. Still... maintaining the weight rather than adding a load is not a disaster, so reset and move on.

Just weather talk.

It's pouring out of the heavens and windy. It's chilly, too. It's the end of May and we've yet to have any kind of decent weather. There's been a few periods where it's been bright and dry but cool to the point of chilly.

At this stage last year, we'd had a couple of spells of really nice, hot sunny weather.

I'd love a couple of days of really nice weather. In a conversation with IG a few days ago, I said that I'd love to take a few days off and just sit in the sun with a couple of books and chill. In the absence of a foreign holiday this year, and with the pandemic taking its toll, mentally, something like that would be so, so welcome right about now.

However, I do actually need to buy some garden furniture in order to be able to chill in the garden.

Bored posting.

Bored at work, so was looking at Reddit and saw these pics, and thought I'd share. Blog favourites Alison Brie, Morena Baccarin and Hannah Simone (as I'm binging New Girl at the moment).

Random stuff.

The magic of posting... as soon as I mention the lack of sleep, not remembering dreams and RB-related thoughts, I have a full night's worth of sleep and my thoughts this morning were not of RB and sex but a dream where KfW2 and I were getting tattoos. Not matching tattoos or anything, just getting tattoos at the same time.

Early mornings.

Since the weekend, two things have repeatedly happened: the first is that I am waking up super early... like 4AM early. Secondly, I'm waking with RB on my mind. I don't know why she's on my mind recently. It's not like it's the time of year that we did our thing or that anything has reminded me of her. And it's not dreams either, at least I don't think it is. I've not remembered a dream in a good while. It's not unpleasant, to be honest, as it's usually sexual in nature, but it is frustrating. And I need more sleep.

Deja Vu.

Another Bumble match has just expired. A cute girl... very cute in fact... matched with me. On Bumble, it's up to her to make first contact, but like the last one, it just expires. A bit disappointing, but then again, who's actually dating at the moment with the pandemic ongoing?

Walking' and talkin'

Another walk with Nerdy Girl last night. We stuck mostly to the same route as usual, but changed it up a little at the end. That meant the final tally was 7.3 miles instead of the usual 6.25 miles. I don't know if that's because I was using my fitness tracker instead of just mapping out the route on Google or if our last-minute route change made us walk an extra mile.

I shared my recent work experiences with her and she was sympathetic, knowing some of the people involved. It's kinda reassuring to hear that people are seemingly united in thinking that the way the interviews were done was out of order and not simply bitching from me because I had anxiety issues.

I did manage to get a blister though. I thought that I'd gotten over that. Feel really stiff this morning as well, but in that good way after being active.

Here we go again.

While the good news was that I still managed to lose weight last week, the bad news (though it's not really bad news) is that it's only 0.6 lbs. Saying that though, Saturday and Sunday were spent at KfW2's and my sis's respectively, drinking beer and not really calorie counting.

Back in the saddle today. Goal motivation is high. Work motivation is very low.

Hello!

I didn't get the dressing down that I semi-expected from KfW2, nor did I get the empathy either. I suspect she didn't fully get what I was trying to say. We didn't get any time alone to get into the details that I wanted, so it's understandable. When I arrived, I was jumped on by her youngest kids and after dinner, her eldest joined us for a few drinks and some chat.

I didn't stay over. I much prefer my own bed, plus staying at KfW2's means that I tend to lose most of the following day and there's stuff I want to do today.

I sent her a quick text message, thanking her, adding that I had a great time and that I really needed the distraction. She liked that message, but again her reply seemed to indicate that she didn't really get what I was trying to say.

Still... I do feel better than I have done over the past few days, but the hard work for work is only beginning.

The morning after the morning after...

I'm still feeling something off the back of what happened on Thursday. It's still that ominous, dread feeling that I can't quite put my finger on.

I'm looking forward to seeing KfW2, but I honestly don't know how this is going to turn out. She might be critical of my actions on Thursday, she might be understanding. I kinda need it to be the latter. I hope it's the latter.

I don't really know what to do. I have to find a new job and there's a deadline involved, but the anxiety and stress is going to be a huge obstacle.

I would always be stressed about a job interview, but this hangover for want of a better word is something new. Maybe it's just running on empty after a tough year, maybe it's something else. But I'd love to feel happier, stress-free and to be positive about something. I feel I haven't felt that way in a long time.

Surprise!

It's funny how the world works sometimes. I met FP for a coffee earlier. We chatted about stuff. I bitched about the job interview stuff. FP was sympathetic. Towards the end of our walk, he asked after KfW2. FP and KfW2 get along great. I've probably mentioned that before. So I mentioned that I'd not spoken to KfW2 in a while and we get, at best, 15 mins maybe once a month to chat and that our last prolonged conversation was maybe last summer when we did a socially distanced coffee in my back garden.

So who messaged me an hour after I arrived home and invited me to theirs for drinks tomorrow? Yup, KfW2. It's brilliant timing. I could do with some company and I might get some support. She might kick my arse for withdrawing from the interview, but I don't need that right now. I need support. I need empathy. I need a hug. And hopefully I'll get all three tomorrow.

The morning after...

I don't know if it's the morning after drinking, or the fallout from the job thing or whatever, but I'm not feeling myself today. I have this real feeling that something ominous is going to happen, but I can't put my finger on why I feel this way.

It's not a great feeling and while the stress has gone for now, it's been replaced by this other feeling.

Over-thinking. And drinking.

Given some more time to sink in, and with a few beers in me, the disappointment and embarrassment is definitely overshadowing the anger and frustration of the whole job application process.

And more than maybe? I've withdrawn from job applications before and not felt this bad. It's starting to feel like a real missed opportunity.

It is frustrating because, as I said, the solution to the problem came to me once the pressure was off. It's not like the problem posed was tricky, I just don't do well under that particular kind of pressure. Sigh.

It shows you how stressed I was today when my appetite is so bad, I can have four beers, two meals and still be under my restricted calorie count.

No need to panic any more (until the next time).

So, in case you haven't figured it out, the thing that I was working towards for the past week was a job interview. Except it wasn't an interview. It'll be an aptitude test, said the hiring manager. We need to get a feel for how you think. Except it wasn't that, it was a code writing challenge. Write this code in this time frame, then explain to us what you did and why. That's not an aptitude test, this is a skill and knowledge test.  For a re-training job. In the name of fucking Christ. 

It's times like this that I hate our company. There's no need for that test. That doesn't tell anyone how I think.

It was real rabbit-in-the-headlights stuff from me. Halfway into the test, I'd made little progress. My mind was blank, my heart was racing and I couldn't think or remember how to do the simplest of tasks. I had nothing that I could present at the end. I did the only thing I possible could: I withdrew my application.

Immediately, I felt better. Well.. less stressed. I also felt embarrassed and disappointed. I thought the job was a good fit for me, and there are reasons why the timing was good for me too.

A friend, who was on the "interview" panel reached out a few hours later and asked what was up. I explained everything to him, including the fact I'd been prepping for one thing and it turned out to be something else. He let slip, then swore me to secrecy, that I wasn't the only person to withdraw my application. That's kinda reassuring, but ultimately, I've had mood swings all day since withdrawing: from happiness that I am no longer stressed to the disappointment and embarrassment that I mentioned earlier.

And I'm angry at the fact it all became a lot more complicated than it needed to. You just know as soon as you see someone's name that things will get complicated for no reason and that was true this time.

As someone else said to me: "I've always taken personal aptitude higher than tech knowledge - anyone can learn the tech but they can't stop being awful people". This is a view I wholeheartedly agree with.

Job hunting needs to continue, so I expect a stressful few months ahead.

Everybody continue to panic!

Going back to my earlier post. The stress comes from, I think, imposter syndrome and a lack of self-confidence. I know I can do my job well. I've been going a good job for well over 15 years in this particular field, after all. I know that, personally, I can get along with people.

However, when it comes to close professional scrutiny, I panic. I worry about not being able to do the tasks under the microscope. I worry about my memory or not being able to pick up concepts as quickly as I should. Mentally, I think I've really suffered this past year from a lack of stimulation and personal contact with other people.

And I have no outlet when this happens. As a single man, living on my own, in the middle of a pandemic, face to face chats with people are out of the question. A hug is out of the question. That's what I need right now. Apart from this blog, I'm going through this alone. tonight, I don't know whether to continue the prep I've been doing for the past few days or simply bin it off.

I will give KfW2 a call once this is all over, but I don't think she could help if I called right now. CC would be even worse. She chastised me last week for pulling out of an interview a few years back as I had a full-on panic attack a few hours beforehand.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. I can guarantee that I'll spend the entire morning on edge until the thing starts at lunchtime and finishes late afternoon. It will be bad enough that it will have an effect on my performance. And I really need this to go well.

Just another reminder that, sometimes, being single can really suck balls.

Everybody panic!

So, in a move that's completely in line with expectations about how our company does things, but not  what I was hoping for, the thing I'm working towards is tomorrow. Not next week as I'd hoped. And it's a completely different format than I was expecting. So I've wasted dozens of hours since last week, researching, typing up notes and dredging my memory to collate things that would have helped. And I only got the email this morning, giving me 28 hours notice.

Now? Now I have to think about something else entirely, and it'll last six times longer than I was anticipating. Imagine preparing for a 30 minute IQ test, only to be told with 24 hours notice that it's a 3 hour dexterity test, but you don't know what type. That's kinda where I am at the moment. Stressed. Panicking. Worried that I'll make a dick of myself. And all that will culminate in not achieving what I want.

I think that's awful behaviour from the company. 24 hours notice is awful. Using a different format than usual, with no warning, is awful. Having someone there who I don't particularly trust is awful.

Roll on tomorrow night. Calorie counting be damned, it'll be beer time.

EDIT: I have spent the entire afternoon panicking and contemplating just withdrawing from the process, but I know that's counter-productive. I need to face this. Yes, it might go wrong. I might be out of my depth. But my imagination might be (and probably is) conjuring up the worst possible scenarios.

Just be done already.

I'm hoping that this thing that I'm working towards is early next week. That's the sweet spot that gives me time to prepare but gets it out of the way quite quickly. There's an outside chance that it's this week, probably Friday, but that's a little too soon for me in terms of my prep and any later than, say, next Monday will mean I'll take my eye off the ball.

Saying that, I'm doing 8 hours a day at work, then firing up the PC to do my preparation and I am mentally exhausted. And I've had this background headache since last Friday that simply refuses to go away, even with doses of paracetamol (acetaminophen for my American chums). Argh.

Another week.

The numbers continue to look good on the scales. Another 1.8 lbs (0.8 kg) lost this week. I'm now just under the weight that I was in January, but I still have about 30 lbs to go to hit my first main target. That's the same target that I've had the past few times, but my weight ballooned due to Covid - bad eating habits, no exercise, boredom eating etc.

Let's hope this continues!

Also, I'm still trying to get used to calorie counting. I've not recording every meal, but most. And I did kinda lapse on Friday and get a HUGE KFC takeaway. So even with the good results so far, there is still room for improvement in both diet and recording.

I also think I've mis-calculated my calorie requirements. My BMR is 2000 give or take a few. For a sedentary person, this is 2350 roughly.

I've targeted a goal each day of 1800 calories, but my current lifestyle really is non-active and I reckon my requirement is closer to 2000 than 2350. So while I am in a deficit with 1800 per day, it's not the 500 I think it is.

However, as I've stated above, that just gives me more scope to do things if I plateau or hit a roadblock.

Back 2 school.

I've done about 15 minutes of my "homework" today. I wanted to do somewhere between an hour or 90 minutes. I could still achieve that, but the motivation has been rock bottom. It's kinda work related, but kinda personal too, which is why it's being done at nights and the weekend rather than during work hours.

I got about 90 minutes done yesterday, though I am knackered today and have had this minor though unshiftable headache for the past few days and don't feel like I absorbed any of the information I looked at.

I should just go and do it. I want to get the same done tomorrow, and I don't want to have to double up and do three hours. I don't think my brain could handle that!

Knowing me, knowing you.

CC arrived last night to pick up some stuff. I've been storing some stuff for her during her (quite prolonged) house move. It's all done now, so she's slowly moving stuff into her new place.

She wants to go on holiday. She keeps asking me to go on holiday. While I would quite happily see CC in a bikini again, I really don't do beach holidays per se. I've told her this many, many times before, but she keeps asking me to go on holiday with her. CC doesn't do "exploring" holidays. That's what I do - go out and just explore the areas. it doesn't matter if it's a beach holiday or a city break, I do like to explore.

It isn't just this one topic though. CC has a tendency to forget every time I decline one of her suggestions and will revisit the topic numerous times: holidays, going to the gym, eating out at a particular restaurant etc. 

Sigh.

Yay and nay.

I had another walk with Nerdy Girl last night. Good conversation as usual, plus we did our usual 6.25 mile route. 13K steps, somewhere around 600 calories burned. Those numbers are by the by. The important thing is that there are no blisters. I'm stiff and my back hurts, but no blisters is a big thing. Same shoes and socks as last time, so presumably my previous blistering is due to not being used to a six mile walk.

I also have stuff that I need to be doing over the next few days. Homework for the want of a better phrase. I need to do it, but I really can't be arsed. I don't even have a hard deadline. Sometime next week, probably. Sigh.

Hurrah!

OK, so the good news is that I'm down another 2.5 lbs on last week's weight. That's 5lbs in two weeks. The bad news is that I don't think that this will be maintainable, though I'd love to lose, on average, 2.5 lbs per week until the start of July.

I'm still getting back into the habit of calorie counting, and that's having a knock on effect of managing my portion size, which is something that I've always had trouble with.

Eventually, I'll need to move away from eating ready meals, start proper meal prep and I'll also need to start increasing my exercise levels, but so far I am really pleased with the past two weeks.

With this iteration of my CICO program, I don't feel like I'm dieting. It's not all salads and veggies. I've made an effort to stay away from chocolate, crisps and bread, but that's it.

I fully expect this to stall within the next week or so as my body adapts to the new regime, and then it'll be time to mix it up a little - add a little exercise etc. But just need to keep on truckin' in the meantime.

Mmm... boots.

Years ago, when FBS and I were co-workers and, briefly, being physical, she used to own and wear a pair of thigh-high boots, that she would usually wear over her jeans. Of course, it was a turn-on. FBS was someone I found physically attractive and sexy regardless, but I also loved thigh-high boots.

A picture posted on Instagram, by Karen Gillan, reminded me of FBS's boots.

Mmmm... boots.