Secret smile.

While working today, the Semisonic song "Secret Smile" played. I can't remember when the song was released. It must be easily the early 2000s. Regardless, it reminded me of a comment that FA2 said to me one day.

I paraphrase:

"Sometimes you give me this look when we're out, no one else notices, and I know that you're going to give me a good seeing to when we get home."

While I never doubted her, it was also true that I always wanted to give FA2 a good seeing to when we returned to her house from where we were. It didn't matter if it was the shop, the pub with friends, dinners with families...

I also knew when my advances were likely to succeed and when she would likely rebuff them. If I made an advance any time I was horny or she was turning me on, I think even she would have been shocked.

She did, on more than one occasion call me "a horny little devil", but I doubt she even knew how high my sex drive was.

Lots of talking.

KfW2 did eventually call... this morning while I was at work, and busy. I've no qualms about taking calls during work, but only if I am not immediately busy. I called her back about thirty minutes later, but she didn't pick up. KfW2 does not take personal calls during work, unless it's family.

And then, just to complete the collection, CC called. She'd been speaking to KfW2 because she knew of the family stuff that's been happening over the past few months. There were a couple of times when I thought I'd have to hang up. CC can't help herself and conversations often turn into lectures. But she reigned herself in before they became too bad. We've tentatively arranged to meet for dinner next week.

Chat, no talk.

KfW2 has sent further WhatsApp messages, but I'm still waiting for the phone call. But in other communication-related news, I've reached out to Random Internet Woman again. I'm not going to be messaging at the same frequency that we did late last year, but I just wanted to check in with her and see how she was doing.

OK?

I called KfW2 on Friday night, but she didn't pick up. I got a message from her yesterday evening advising that she'd give me a call today. And then, after 1 AM, another message.

"Are you OK?"

I love that she cares. But I don't love that I'm still waiting for the phone call.

And I am mainly OK. The stuff I blogged about on Friday is all still valid. Things are happening, work's good and if I am being honest, I do feel a little overwhelmed. But the reason for calling KfW2 was to do with her and a few things that have happened to her over the past fortnight.

Grin.

So, work has been pleasant today - extremely productive and that's gotten me in a good mood. I also got a good night's sleep last night, which has helped. The family stuff is ongoing and will continue to be stressful for a few months. I also got some good feedback from my annual review, so I have a bit of a strut on today.

The proposed meeting with a cousin has been cancelled. He's not said anything, but I've heard through the grapevine that he's already been in town, and gone again.

However, G is still due home in a week, so I'll see him (and presumably M, too). And the night out with The Crowd is still pencilled in for two weeks today. There is an outside chance of doing something with the work guys in a week, but that's going to be dependent on what G's plans are.

The KfW2 thing is up in the air. I reached out directly a few days ago and asked her when she was free so I could take her out. However, something cropped up yesterday that might jeopardise that for a week or so. I'll have to give her a call though, just to see how she is.

Tripping

I was browsing IMDB earlier and I came across a reference to an animated sci-fi TV show called "Tripping the Rift". Noteworthy only because F once sent me the entire box set (copied, of course) as she thought I'd like it. And I did! But I'd not heard of it before F told me about it nor can I find it again.

I mean in the sense of being able to watch it. There are actually a load of references online, just nothing on the likes of Netflix etc..

Ssshhh!

Years ago, after I left school and most of my friends had gone to university, I worked an office job, where I met QC2, FBS, Friction Guy and that lot.

BW went to university in our home town so we often socialised together. During this time, he had an on-again-off-again girlfriend. I don't think they were particularly good for each other, but they found themselves getting together briefly before drifting apart again for a few months, then repeating.

I think I've blogged about my first date with CAB. Well, this girl was the reason CAB's friend lucked out that evening.

Regardless, this was before CAB or FBS. One night, BW launched himself at the girl and within seconds they were full-on snogging. Her friend was shocked.

"What are you DOING?"

"They're kissing, Rhonda," was my smart-arse reply.

I'd met Rhonda before and we got along well. We were often left talking to each other when BW and the girl inevitably hooked up at the end of the night.

Rhonda laughed.

"I know, silly. But are they going to go through this again?"

I shrugged.

"We don't have to hang around here while they fumble away."

"Where do we go?"

"Home? I'm fucked if I'm waiting around for them to finish"

"I don't want to walk home on my own."

I knew roughly where Rhonda lived and knew that BW's girl lived on the next street, which is why they'd go home together. It was in the opposite direction to where I needed to go, but I could order a taxi from hers. I shared that thought with Rhonda who pondered it briefly and then nodded. It was about 25 minutes walk.

We chatted on the way up the road. Rhonda had explained that she'd had a conversation with BW's girl who was adamant they wouldn't hook up again, hence her somewhat vocal disapproval of their actions. I laughed.

When we arrived at Rhonda's, she invited me in but before I could order a cab, we were kissing. I admit, I'd never given Rhonda any thought toward anything like this, but this first night, I just kind of went along with it. I left a few hours later when I ordered a cab and we eventually stopped snogging.

The thing is, it seemed that we were both on the same page. We both enjoyed ourselves, but there was no desire to take it any further... nor was there any real compulsion to admit what we'd done. Until we had a repeat performance about a month later after BW pulled the same stunt. After that, we both went out of our way to get the two of them together so we could have our own secret fun.

Rhonda and I eventually slept together a couple of times. One morning, as I left Rhonda's and was waiting for the bus, who should amble up but BW. As he saw me, the penny dropped, both in figuring out why I was there and the subtle way Rhonda and I had been putting BW and Rhonda's friend together were suddenly not so subtle.

I don't know what changed. BW and Rhonda's friend stopped hooking up each time they bumped into each other at the pub. Had it run its course? Had Rhonda and I just extended their usual cycle by a few months so we could have our own fun? I never found out. It happened a few times, but the regularity of it ceased.

Rhonda and I slept together once more after that. We bumped into each other at a club, she was headed in a different direction to her friends. I offered, with no assumptions, to walk her home, and she asked me to stay over.

A mostly forgotten memory of my early 20s, until I bumped into Rhonda's friend yesterday while I was at my parents' house. She'd been living just around the corner for years.

Sharing.

While the circumstances around seeing G this week were less than ideal, it did at least allow me to update him on the family stuff I've been dealing with over the past six weeks. He'd heard stuff through the grapevine - family friends of ours are friends with his mum, for example. I was able to give him the details in person and in a timely fashion, which was a lot more therapeutic than I imagined. I think that's partly because I haven't been able to do that with other bad news over the past year e.g. letting KfW2 or The Crowd know about FP at the time. I told KFW2 only a few days before FP passed and The Crowd didn't find out until Xmas.

Hmmm.

I don't know if it's the weather or what, but I'm still getting mad cravings. Mostly chocolate, so the tobacco craving has gone, at least. But still, this feels weird.

If I wasn't sitting here in a pair of joggers and slippers, I might venture out to the shop. But I am, so I won't.

Ho hum.

BR's mother passed away at the start of last week and it was her funeral today. It was good to see that BR was in decent form, despite the unfortunate circumstances. I was a little worried about him. He's been a bit fragile, mentally, recently.

It was good seeing old school friends, including G and AM and a few others.

AM, once again, promised to arrange a night out. I'm still waiting for her to do it after FP's funeral. Ho hum. MM asked me, again, to get M out for a drink.

All I can do is ask, I said. If he's no interest, I can do nothing.

But I'll give him a shout after the weekend and see if he's interested in meeting next week or next weekend.

Way back when.

I met Nerdy Girl tonight, though instead of going for a walk, we went for coffee, and then played pool because it was freezing and neither of us were really dressed for sub-zero temperatures. 

We played pool at the pub where I first met R2. And if that wasn't enough, the music that was playing would have been exactly the music R2 and I would have listened to back in the day - Guns 'n' Roses, Aerosmith, Red Hot Chili Peppers and that type of stuff.

So, yeah, I had a great time with Nerdy Girl, but I also got real nostalgia kicks too. I wonder if I should reach out to her, to see how she's doing?

Oh la la!

I was going through some old email conversations with USHW when I happened upon a link that she'd sent which pointed me towards Attractive Neighbour modelling wedding lingerie from many years ago.

Attractive Neighbour is probably too high maintenance for my tastes, but as slim redheads go, she's up there with the best of them, in my opinion.

What?

I had the weirdest thing happen last night. I had mad cravings for all sorts - ice cream, beer, chocolate and cigarettes. I've had cravings for all of those things in the past. But all at once?

Promises

I'm going to be honest, before KfW2 phoned me earlier, I was composing a blog post in my head that was quite negative and I was definitely feeling a bit sorry for myself.

It went back to something that KfW2 had said to me last year at FP's funeral about how people were concerned about me, and they loved me.

While I'm not even going to suggest that she's wrong (she's not), I perhaps expected people to be in contact a little more frequently than usual after FP's funeral. That wasn't the case. Even KfW2 herself wasn't really in contact any more than usual.

Then when G came home a month or so later, he assured me that M had promised to reach out, to arrange a drink or a coffee.

And it's that point that I think provoked the desire to make a post. BR was in touch earlier this week to tell me his mother had passed away. I'd swapped a few messages with G, but M also sent a message, sharing the funeral details.

But if you add my difficulty in getting The Crowd out, pinning KfW2 down for doing something, M's promise plus the lack of any real contact post-funeral, and it really has gotten me down.

I had work stuff going on in the second half of last year, plus this more recent family stuff too, and it just all added up to needing an outlet. An outlet I couldn't get because it was impossible to get to talk to people. I'm not gonna lie, it was a really tough, mentally taxing six months at the end of last year.

So while things are looking up - I'm definitely seeing G and The Crowd soon, I also have tentatively gotten agreement from M and KfW2 to meet for coffee/drinks/dinner, but it'll be me that has to put in the effort.

Reading back on this, it does still feel quite negative/sad, but I don't think it's as bad as it could have been as I was feeling VERY sorry for myself earlier. It does raise the point I always make about actions speaking louder than words.

Times like these.

KfW2 called from her car. She was, unsurprisingly, late for something. She was meeting a friend for brunch. I laughed. She sounded, not upset but frustrated.

"It's not like I try to be late!"

I've said before that when we first met, her friends would tell me all sorts of stories about KfW2's tardiness. She shared a story herself of a date where she was like well over an hour late. I think this was pre-mobile phone days. He was still there. In all honesty, I would have been too.

But tellingly, she was never like that with me, barring one episode that I can recall offhand. Things have changed since she's had kids. It takes a lot more organising, for starters, plus KfW2's kids can be a handful. Not disobedient or anything like that, but it just takes them so much time to do the simplest of things due to getting distracted.

I sympathised with her but said that I'd never stop taking the piss about her timekeeping.

Regardless, she thanked me for the post that she had received. We talked for a while swapping updates on our respective lives. She talked a little about CC who's embarked on a side hustle. And just like that, half an hour had passed.

She had to finish the call to get ready to meet her friend. She was already late. Probably an hour by my estimation. I'd have been stressed out if it had been me as it was something that needed to be booked rather than just meeting in a pub or coffee place.

But I ended my part in the conversation by promising that I'd be in touch over the next few days to arrange something with her, whether that be dinner, lunch, drinks or whatever she fancies.

Thinking back.

I'm having a side conversation with a guy I know from my online gaming circle. He's just shared some information about some recruiters calling him with jobs they think he might be interested in. One is in Bristol.

I voiced my appreciation of Bristol and explained that I had some really good memories of being in Bristol. Specifically, I'm thinking of E, and the times I'd fly over to visit her. We'd get drunk, play pool, and I'd spend some time trying to figure out if I just really enjoyed her company or if I had romantic feelings for her. I'm still not sure that I've ever come to a definitive decision on that, by the way.

But the damage was done. I went off into a little daydream of memories of visiting E, and I miss her. I can't wait til the summer when she'll be home. Hopefully, I'll get her out at least once for drinks.

The Bristol connection also has me thinking about K, who made a rare appearance on my Facebook timeline a day or two ago.

Oops.

I'm not meeting Nerdy Girl tonight. It seems she's double-booked herself. I'm disappointed. I had hoped that we could get a walk done, then maybe go somewhere for drinks. But then it's been a busy week, so I kinda just want to chill. I might get a few beers in later and keep it low-key.

I had hoped to hear from KfW2, after I posted something to her on Wednesday. She should have received it yesterday. She has, in the past, sent me a message thanking me for anything I've posted, so I'm kinda second-guessing myself here. Did it arrive?

Looking back.

This is Jolene Blalock in an old Stargate SG1 episode that's currently on TV.

For some reason, I'm getting a real Sports Girl vibe from her, though I can't explain why. Usually, there's something that kicks off that tickle of recognition - the shape of the nose or the mouth that translates to an if-you-squint-there-could-be-a-resemblance kind of thing, but that's not the case here. However, she had a blonde phase after one of her breakups with GM. Could that be it?

Is it because I was going through some old blog posts and email conversations with USHW specifically related to SG earlier? I dunno. But there you go.

Walk it off.

Maybe just a little bit later than planned, but I did get a walk done at lunchtime, and at just under 1.7 miles, it's not a bad start. Bear in mind that my typical daily walk when doing the challenge from Random Internet Woman was about 1.2 miles.

Hopefully, I can keep this up for a couple of weeks, and then see where we are about moving on to Yoga or the CG workouts I've mentioned previously.

And the point of the walk was to post something for KfW2. It made me realise that I don't get enough personal stuff through the mail any more. It's all bills and junk mail. I did get the odd bit of mail from USHW and I got a postcard from Foreign Girl, which were greatly appreciated. It genuinely meant a lot that someone took the time to scribble some words and post them to me.

And here we go...

It seems that life is going to continue to throw stuff at me this year. BR was in touch this morning to share the news that his mother had passed away. BR is going through his own stuff at the moment, so this is going to be tougher than normal for him. However, it means he's going to be in town soon. We might be able to catch up, if he's in the mood. I should probably attend the funeral.

G was also in contact. he is coming home, though at the start of next month, rather than the end of this month. So that, at least, is something positive to look forward to.

In a rather surprising move, GM also sent a message this morning. Would anyone be free in the middle of next month for a night out? I had semi-jokingly suggested last week that he take the initiative in arranging something seeing as he was so apologetic about being useless at maintaining contact these days. Everyone has tentatively agreed to meet, so that's also something to look forward to.

Let's not get going.

OK, so the walk didn't happen. The life stuff that's been ongoing since the end of November kicked in again. We have, though, tentatively rearranged for Friday evening. I might even talk her into staying out after a walk for a few drinks in CB Pub. That's roughly where we start and finish our walks.

Let's get going.

Right, that false first week of January is over, so I need to get started on whatever goals I have for this year. I've asked Nerdy Girl for a walk this evening, but not heard anything back. I think I'll try and do something similar to the challenge set down by Random Internet Woman, but maybe for like 2 weeks, just to start building an exercise habit. Then move on to yoga for a few weeks, to stretch out muscles that haven't really been tested in years. And then I might stick with the yoga 100%, or move to some of Caroline Girvan's workouts or combine them both.

Social-wise, I think G's coming home before the end of the month. I also think a cousin is coming home this month and he suggested at our last family gathering that we might hit the pub. And I want to try an arrange something with KfW2, too.

That's a start, right?

She's got the look.

While browsing the internet earlier, I came across this picture of Jessicas Alba.

It provoked a memory of QC2. When we were friends, we would often meet, by accident, in the pub. Our taste in bars was similar, so we often went to the same places. But I remember one night when she turned up in a tight, black, polo-neck jumper, wearing her usual black 501s with boots of some description.

It was a look she pulled off really well. I remember that she was getting a lot of admiring glances that evening, though to be fair, QC2 usually got a lot of admiring glances when she was in the pub.

Thinking back.

I've thought about FA2 a lot this week. It started on Tuesday morning when I woke with her on my mind, and that train of thought continued throughout the day. That pattern has repeated ever since. It's not that I'm reminiscing over specific memories, just general mulling and there's maybe a tinge of what she was to me, especially now when I am feeling lonely and emotional support and physical intimacy would be so welcome.

Longest week ever!

The work week is only 4 days long, but it feels much longer. As I explained on another forum, it actually doesn't feel like I've had any time off, and I think that's part of the issue with this week feeling like it's not going to end.

My sleep patterns are still all over the place. Thankfully, I've not had one of the insomnia nights this week, but I am either taking longer to fall asleep or waking earlier and can't get back to sleep, so I am tired.

It's the weekend, and I have no plans. And I kinda don't want to be sitting in on my own, but I've no idea who to reach out to.

And off the back of a conversation with FC earlier this week, I probably should get in touch with S and GM and let them know about FP.

2024

Despite the trials and tribulations of the past year and my current fatigue, I have some goals for this year, something to perhaps look forward to. I've tended not to set any goals over the past few years, but this year is different, and I have some things I'd like to work on and achieve.

1. Get some work done to the house.
   
   There's building work, upgrades (heating and kitchen) and decorating that I want to get done. The kitchen work will be extremely expensive, but I have no idea how much. So while the ultimate goal is to have a new kitchen by the end of the year, the first step is to get a quote for the building work that I need done first. Then I can think about the finer details of the kitchen itself. CC also suggested that she'd help out/project manage the work. While I don't expect her to fully take charge, I'd really appreciate her help.
   
   
2. Be more social.
   
   As recently as this morning, I bemoaned not seeing KfW2 as often as I'd like. That goes for The Crowd, too. So, I'd like to see more of my friends this year. Sadly, I'm already the one making all of the effort, but I'll have to be more insistent and persuasive. Making some new friends might also be called for.
   
   
3. Exercise more.
   
   I really enjoyed the challenge that Random Internet Woman set down in November, and I was going to build upon that in December until the family stuff happened. So, I think I'll try a minor reset. I'm thinking about a two-week walking challenge, then move on to stretching and ultimately back into Yoga or maybe those Caroline Girvan workouts on YouTube.
   
   
4. Travel.
   
   This one's not likely to happen seeing as I'm likely to be spending a lot on some home improvements this year, but I'd like to travel again. I've blogged before about some of the places on my list, and New York is still really at the top of the list.

Additionally, E is coming home over the summer, and I'm really looking forward to seeing her again. I've not swapped any messages with RIW since the end of November. I did tell her I needed space to deal with stuff and I do mean to restart our conversation, but not for a little bit.

Another lap around the sun completed.

I'm sure that I've shared before that while I don't particularly like Christmas, I do like NYE and rolling into the new year. It's a chance for reflection, a chance to plan, make goals etc.

This year, though, I've just been lonely. I woke this morning to a grand total of zero messages from friends and family wishing me a happy new year. I did swap a few messages in group chats, but I initiated all of them.

KfW2 was silent, and that's the one, I think, that I've felt the most. Since the end of the summer, she's the one person I've wanted to talk to more than anyone else, but it's been nearly impossible to catch her. Admittedly, we've had two afternoons out where we briefly covered some things that have bothered me, and that's our biggest total since before COVID-19, but it still feels that we're drifting more apart.

FP's passing has created a big hole. He was the person I'd reach out to most to bounce ideas off, to vent with, and for advice. I don't have anyone like that in my life any more. Years ago, that would have been KfW2, easily, but not now. That's due to her unavailability, rather than me not being able to open up to her.

Even the recent family stuff that I've alluded to, I've shared with my sister how tough I'm finding it, but it's falling on deaf ears.

Usually, I go back to work after the holiday period refreshed and ready to go, but I don't feel that way this year. I feel exhausted.