Words of wisdom

I read a post on a forum recently that immediately brought back memories of RB...

"Don't let the last one ruin you for the next one."

I hope she knows this and learns from it soon.

Actually, I blogged the entire RB thing on a forum, anonymously, just to see what feedback I'd get there. Almost universally, people were amazed things fell apart. It was good to see that most people said the same things that AM, A and QC2 had been saying... right people, right place, wrong time etc.

Grrr...

As if the recent RB incident isn't taking the piss enough, every time I log into Facebook, the fucking adverts it serves up are almost taunting me for being my age and single.

Yes, I fucking know and yes, I am fucking unhappy about it, now piss off and stop taking the piss, you stupid fucking adverts.

Introspective.

A night out last night with a female cousin coupled with a conversation this morning with E has prompted me to evaluate exactly why I've been restless for pretty much all of this year.

My cousin prompted me for details on the RB situation, which caused a certain amount of frustration and disappointment to rise again (though I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about RB on and off over the past week). She got the entire story, but wasn't able to offer any solutions, though I hadn't asked for any and I don't believe there are any beyond what I've already blogged about in previous posts. It was still nice to talk it through (again).

E was slightly more helpful and I think I've pretty much pinpointed the source of the restlessness. It's something I've often blogged about, but never really given much consideration to it apart from having the odd moan. I believe that the answer is my lack of social life. The RB incident has excacerbated this restlessness which I believe was originally prompted by my travelling earlier this year. RB was a route into being more active, meeting new people and widening my social circle. Irrespective of whether we ended up as friends or something more, then RB was someone/something that could have made my social life better... an opportunity now denied.

So what do I do now? How can I make my social life better so that I'm not relying on FP to head out of an evening? That's something I need to think about. I have some ideas that I need to explore fully...

Game over: the fallout

Sending the email was the best thing that RB could have done for me. I've been in a remarkably good mood ever since in stark contrast to the frustration and impatience from last week. As I've already posted, I've left it open for RB to contact me if she changes her mind, but I really don't think that will happen unless we happen to meet each other and have a conversation which probably means bumping into her in the pub. I have a gut feeling that we might still see each other out and about and if that is the case, I hope she doesn't shy away and we are able to have a chat.

There still is an element of frustration, mind you. When opportunities come along as infrequently as they do regarding me and girls, I'm still frustrated that RB has made a hasty decision based on very little information. I still believe we could have been, at the very worst, good friends.

I told FP the entire tale last night and he was the only person so far to have suggested that I was appearing overly keen. I disagree, of course, but he's right to voice that opinion. Even then, he did agree that it is a hasty decision and large assumption on RB's part.

Definitely game over.

I woke this morning to an email from RB. Once I'd gotten over the surprise that she'd made contact, I read it and, as expected, it was a "thanks but no thanks" email.

She specifically mentioned that she thought I was looking for more than she was and that was her main reason for refusing further contact. Of course, I think she's wrong. Had she said something like "I think you're keener than I am", then I'd agree. I think I am... but then she's been someone I've been thinking about on and off since our original meeting about five weeks ago. RB's perspective is different as I effectively popped out of thin air about two weeks ago, so she might not have had as much time to consider our friendship.

The difference here is interpretation, I think. I've been pro-active in making contact, both in supplying original contact details, then calling her to ask her out on a date and then following up last week when she never made contact as promised. I don't think I've been too intense, especially given her silence but I can understand why or how she might come to her conclusion. I am disappointed that she's made that decision without meeting up at least one more time.

There's also the point that she was scared off because our one and only date went so well. Right at the end of the evening, she mentioned that she couldn't date because of issues/baggage but still wanted to get to know me. The fact that we were lying in her bed involved in some rather splendid kissing (and not for the first time) says to me that she was at least keen to a certain extent.

However, getting back to what RB said in her email, my attitude has always been simply to take each date/meeting as it comes and see how things pan out (with perhaps a vague notion that this might end up being a romantic rather than platonic relationship), or rather that was the plan until RB went AWOL. RB's attitude is almost the opposite... if there's an obstacle, then don't overcome it and if you can run away then do so. At least, that's my analysis based on the two meetings and subsequent events and various things that RB said. It seems that, for her, my assumed targets for our friendship were too large to overcome, despite this being the early stages of our friendship. Personally, I don't think it matters if I want more than her or not, as long as I don't force the issue and try to get RB into bed or any other non-platonic action. She would have to meet me socially to find that out, though.

I sent a final message thanking her for at least telling me (I chose not to mention that she should have done this last fucking week and that she might have acted her age) and that I disagreed with her assumptions, but true to my attitude throughout, I'm not closing any doors and mentioned if she changes her mind, I'd love to meet, as friends.

WTF am I doing?

RB's email address pretty much landed in my lap today. After my "Game over" comment last night, I spent all afternoon trying to decide if I should use it.

I did.

I'm still having trouble believing that she can't send a simple "no thanks" message and is preferring to 'hide' for want of a better word.

One thing that is very definitely true is that I am in another phase where I am unhappy being single. Having a potential relationship dangled in front of me with RB who is still a very good looking woman (and then yanked away for no good reason) has made me want a relationship... at least it does at the moment.

Game over.

No contact.

Game over? (Part two)

It's game over, or rather it will be in about four hours when I consider it too late to call anyone. Generally that's 10 PM... text messages are another matter. Not that I'm actually expecting RB to call or text. I'm not. However, I'm still rather confused as a) I still don't believe she's the type to go silent and b) there's no reason to avoid me as she does obviously like me (and I still think romantically rather than in a platonic way). Even if she doesn't want to socialise or become friends, why avoid sending a text message saying "thanks but no thanks"? Is that too much to ask for? This is the bit that gets me and a little part of me thinks there might be some other reason.

Still, we're in to the final hours now.

I'm hugely disappointed in both RB and the general situation. It's just like me to find a girl that I like, who likes me in return, but who has so much baggage she doesn't actually want to see me or contact me.

I know that, reading back that last sentence, it sounds a little desperate, almost as if I'm talking myself into some idea that she does like me, but she does. I was on the date and the open body language was there, she was vocally appreciative and said nice things about me to her housemate, plus invited me to kiss her quite a lot and enjoyed it, too.

The past few days have been emotionally draining. I did really want her to call over the weekend after my text message and phone call of last week, but the lack of response has been frustrating and disappointing. Today, at work, I was totally distracted all day long. I hope by drawing a line under RB this evening that I become more focussed this week.

All about FA1.

I was in contact with FA2 on Facebook last night. FA2 continues to astound me with her contact. Admittedly, I was the one that initiated contact, but FA2's questions were weird and her own side of the conversation was brief. She, quite predictably, questioned the status of my love life, but even when faced with the story of RB (not all of it, just the important bits), didn't really appear to be interested, instead skipping off on to other subjects while I was still in the process of explaining things. It's almost like she's ticking boxes that need ticked when she asks questions, but with no real interested in the answers. However, she was nosey enough to sift through my Facebook profile and ask questions about some people, such as E and one of E's friends.

She mentioned about me heading out to her neck of the woods for a visit, but I never mentioned that I had been there earlier this year, instead saying that I wouldn't be back for the foreseeable future. When it came to her own life, she was saying very little.

I'm not annoyed as such. I've had eight years or so to get used to FA2's foibles and it was me that initiated contact last night, so it's not as if I can blame her for that. Still, I am reminded that FA2 is a useless friend and that my avoidance of her during me holiday was justified.

Aargh!

So my fluctuating emotions regarding the RB thing continues... After convincing myself this morning that it was all over and I shouldn't bother with her anymore, I gained this new sense of optimism that she will call tomorrow or Monday and even if she doesn't, I should try one more time to get in contact.

I shouldn't contact her again. Logically, I think what I've done this week has been pretty spot on and ordinarily, I would leave it. However, I don't think that RB and myself hooking up has been anything normal in the dating sense. Getting contact details to her via post is one thing that's not 'normal'. Calling her at work nearly three weeks after meeting her is another. So maybe I should chance my arm one last time at contact? Why would I do such a thing? Ignoring the lack of contact, which is one of my biggest annoyances in acquaintances, I do think we could be good friends. I think our date showed that and I hate this idea that we don't work at something. That's partly the reason why I'm annoyed at her 'no dating' decision.

This could all change again tomorrow. I'll have to see how I'm feeling then before making any final decision.

Game over?

On the advice of QC2, I waited another few days then sent another text message yesterday morning, asking to meet up this weekend. There has been no reply, so I am forced to give up hope that anything will develop with RB. Or rather, I will if she hasn't been in contact by tomorrow night as I tend to give people a couple of days to return a call, text or email.

As I've already said, I'm not convinced that RB is the type to ignore the contact, but she's had nearly four full days to reply to my initial phone call and voice mail and hasn't done so. I'm angry and somewhat frustrated about the whole thing. With RB being in her thirties, I had thought that she might be a little more mature in her contact and not rely on silence as an avoidance mechanism, especially when she's already mentioned friendship rather than a relationship.

I'm fighting the urge to give her a third and final chance come the start of next week but I think that might be pushing the issue somewhat and I should just give up. Every now and again I gain this burst of optimism that she might yet get in contact, but I think that's just wishful thinking linked to how much I wanted something to develop with RB.

Did the fact that I cancelled the cinema night to go out with D cost me a friendship?

Impatient (part 2)

As expected (pessimistically) there was no contact from RB tonight. It's been 24 hours since my last contact and I'm at a loss where to go from here. It's entirely possible that she's been busy and that contact may yet still come, but is that logical thinking or just wishful?

The feeling of disappointment has been dogging me for the past couple of days. I've only met RB twice, but first impressions don't lead me to believe she's the kind of girl to simply ignore contact and that she'd instead offer up some kind of excuse not to see if things develop. However, while I can read people quite well, I'm not claiming to be some kind of expert.

I'm still of the opinion that she is keen (or was keen) and that this thing is falling apart because things were going so well between us, even if we've only been in each other's company for less than 12 hours, and that this issue of hers is holding her back. Maybe she's afraid that the spark between us is too strong to ignore and with her issue, she's stuck between a rock and a hard place, emotionally, taking the easy way out by simply backing off completely? Who knows?

I'm also slightly concerned about how much disappointment I'm feeling right now. I know I invested a bit when I first sent her the note and I knew fairly quickly on our date that I wanted things to develop romantically, but hand on heart, I hadn't looked anywhere beyond a couple of dates.

I think I know what it was... that I wanted or needed this to develop in some way. Romance being the preferred option, but friendship was or is still a goal. I've long maintained that I need to meet new people produce new socialising opportunities and this was the best chance I've had in a long time to do that.

I now face a decision. Should I simply give in now, and if any contact comes in the next day or so, then so be it, or do I attempt further communication in a couple of days before giving up?

Impatient.

I cracked and called RB about 24 hours ago. Sadly, I wasn't able to get through and left a voice message instead asking her to call me back. So far, I'm still waiting on that call, but as each minute passes, I must admit that I get more and more pessimistic that anything is going to develop between myself and RB... even a friendship.

I know it's only been 24 hours, but it's been nearly two weeks since our one and only official date and it seems like a lifetime away already. Maybe I am just being impatient and should really give her a day or two to get back to me, but I can't help but shake this feeling that if she's not in contact by bed time tonight (hers or mine... doesn't matter), then she won't be in contact at all. That disappoints me for more than one reason.

The only person to have been in contact with regards to RB since the weekend has been QC2 who sent a brief email this morning, asking for updates.

Still pondering.

So, I think that the people I trust enough to know about the RB thing are fully clued in and most have given their advice on the matter... only AM and USHW have yet to say anything.

Most of the advice has been reasonably consistent - give her some time to get to know me and trust me, but make it clear that while I respect her decision, that I don't agree with it and that I want to be more than friends. [I'm still hoping that RB has had a chance to sit down and think this through and chatted to her mates. If she is romantically keen (and she is), then there is always a possibility that her decision can change.] Obviously, we don't discuss that immediately, but it's something we will have to talk about in a while, assuming that we do continue to see each other. I tend to be pessimistic about these things, but vocalising it has helped. Talking to QC2 in person and E on the phone has really helped, but this will fade in a few days' time if there are no further developments and if I haven't talked it over with anyone.

This is, I think, going to be weird. Effectively, it will be dating without the supposed romantic/sexual conclusion. We're still pretty much strangers and our next group of meetings will continue where the date left off with us learning about each other... less about facts (our histories, likes and dislikes) and more about personalities and with less kissing. No kissing, actually.

Despite the fact that it was left that she wouldn't call until next week, I'm kinda hoping (with an element of a gut feeling) that she'll be in contact today. It would be nice if she were, but we'll see.

Meh.

My own emotions have been all over the place this week. I was angry and frustrated at the start of the week, with an element of confusion. After chatting to QC2 and R, the anger and frustration still remained to a certain extent, but I was more optimistic that things would work out the way I wanted them to. That's lessened somewhat, and doubt and pessimism is starting to creep in.

Things will remain completely confusing until RB gets in contact and we meet. We might talk about this at our next meeting, but I think that's doubtful. I will have to bring this up at some point though.

The good thing is that she is keen on me (or at least I believe that she is based on her actions), so it just remains to see what this mental block is and how we can put that to bed.

I had kinda hoped she'd have been in contact, even if it was just a brief text message, but she hasn't. I didn't take QC2's advice and contact RB as I had nothing to say and while I'm happy to let her know that I am still interested in her beyond friendship, I don't want to appear pushy.

Scooby Doo, where are you?

USHW has been quiet for a while now. We usually swap posts on Facebook, but while she's shown some signs of activity, there's been nothing for a while, since around the time I originally hooked up with RB at the start of July.

Pondering.

Tonight I was meant to meet up with RB, but I somehow managed to cock everything up and lost that opportunity, instead heading out with D and that crowd for a charity event. I had envisaged that D would ask a lot of questions about the "guest" I had originally planned to bring along (RB, if you're not keeping up), but she didn't seem interested. She admitted to being very shy at our date last week plus this other issue might still be playing on her mind and she might not want to meet any of my friends right now during this confusing period.

I think she would have enjoyed the evening, though, and I did miss her company. It would have been nice to have met up with her tonight. We'll have to wait until next week to see if QC2's advice is any good.

More analysis.

One thing that has been playing on my mind with the whole RB thing is why I am so concerned about making this work after only two meetings.

There is the obvious attraction - she is a good looking woman and there is that natural spark.

Is that it or is there more?

I was comfortable in her presence, much more than I usually am with people that I'm attracted to. Chatting to her wasn't an issue and neither was the note I sent. I was more troubled about the method of contact than actual contact. When we shared the bed, again I was comfortable having her wrapped around me. This might not seem like a big thing, but in the two years I was dating FA2 and the number of times I spent over at hers, we never cuddled and that was mostly my decision. There was also the fact that I actually approached her both initially in the pub and with the note. At some level I must have thought she was worth it.

All I can do is wait and see what next week brings.

Yay!

Now someone else is fully clued up on the RB saga as I spent a very enjoyable few hours in the company of QC2.

QC2 laughed, but not maliciously. She knows that my track record, and to a certain extent luck, with women is really poor.

QC2's opinion is similar to the other advice I've taken from A and R: play it cool for now, give RB a chance to get to know me but to make it clear soon-ish that I want things to develop.

The reasons for her behaviour are still completely unclear, and realistically could be anything, but having spoken to QC2, we're in agreement that the most likely scenario is something less serious such as a boyfriend that cheated on her or recently (ish) coming out of a long term relationship or having a boyfriend that was involved with someone else (slightly different to the first reason).

I still can't say for sure and my main hope still lies with RB fuzzing her words at the weekend and rather than stopping dating completely, hopefully she just needs to draw breath, keep things slow for a while and then see what will happen. QC2 seems to agree that this is what's going on, at least to the best of her knowledge as she can only go by my telling of events and the information I've given (which is most of it, to be fair).

D'oh.

I managed to cancel my meeting this week with RB, but I did arrange to meet up with D. I did offer RB a chance to reschedule, but we were unable to come up with a date so we'll leave it until next week.

Maybe this cancellation will give RB space and time to talk to her mates and ponder things over and sort out her own mind.

I think I'm fooling myself though.

The date: the fallout (part 2)

The feeling of disappointment has not gone away and I've been trying to look at it logically. Before I sent the note, I was quite unsure of what I wanted. Either friendship or some other non-platonic relationship would have been fine by me.

When RB appeared in the bar on Friday, things got clear pretty quickly and I knew that I wanted this to develop into something that wasn't platonic. There was no initial hit of lust, so it's not as if I only wanted to get into her pants, though I do admit that if things had developed over the next couple of weeks/dates that that would eventually be the next step. Some strong feelings did manifest though, obviously there is the attraction, but I think the previous three weeks inflated the emotion somewhat.

Now it looks like there's only one way this will end... a platonic friendship. Strangely, this just feels like a consolation prize right now.

The date: the fallout.

So how has this dating thing caused me to feel?

Well, I'm disappointed and frustrated. RB's the most promising girl (in terms of a potential girlfriend) I've met in years and for her to remove any romantic possibility right from the end of the first official date is confusing, especially as she says it's something in her past rather than her own feelings for me. There is also the fact that she was very appreciative of me both in our original meeting and during the date itself right up until the point she made the announcement.

So, I'm also annoyed and increasingly angry. OK, so she has this baggage from before that's still bothering her, but why let this get in the way now? Why not give it a couple of dates and see how things go? If she's still bothered after four or five dates, then perhaps this is a big enough deal for her to deal with and not to get into the serious dating or a relationship. I'm struggling to come up with something that's so big or important that it's stopping her from dating. I'd far rather fall into the friends category because these issues cannot be overcome with our dating and talking rather than be forced into the friends angle because RB won't address the issues she faces.

What is this baggage that's so huge she won't date? From things RB said during our original meeting (and from comments made by A), I'd have to say that perhaps a previous partner cheated on her. But if that was a while ago, why is this still a big thing now? So, if it's not that, then the only things I can think of are more sinister... physical abuse, rape etc. I've only know her for three weeks and only met her twice, so she's not going to open up right now and tell me everything, but if this is a simple trust issue because her previous partner cheated on her, I'll be very disappointed. That's the kind of thing that you work through by getting out there and dating and forming new (romantic) relationships.

I am harbouring a very slim glimmer of hope that between now and our next meeting later this week, that she talks to her friends and/or family and that they encourage her to actually give the dating thing a go, that it might help her overcome whatever this issue is that she still has to deal with.

The date.

The tale is complicated, so I'm going to be very brief about this. The people that I want to know about this already have the full story (USHW - you should have a PM about it) and right now, I've no idea what to think/feel.

The date started well. I recognised her immediately when she arrived and she while she perhaps wasn't as pretty as I had remembered, she was still pretty. The date started slowly, albeit not awkwardly and we both seemed to have a good time.

During the evening, and before I got her into a taxi, I made some moves. Not big ones, but just small little things - things I said and did; the timing of which I seemed to get spot on. From my own perspective and from things that RB had said that evening, things were going amazingly well (and feedback from A on this backs up my own point of view). I was using a couple of things that E had told me about body language etc. and there were definite indicators of interest from her all night long.

Due to RB being quite drunk, the taxi business ended up being confusing and I ended up back at hers, despite this not being a goal of mine for our first proper date. In fact, I had explicitly stated near the end of the night that I would get her a taxi and see my self home as I wanted to see her again. We live in different directions, so the goal was always two taxis, but she was insistent I got into the taxi that was going back to hers so I suggested I'd call a cab from there.

Back at hers, there was a bit of snogging on the sofa, then we ended up in bed again (she asked me to stay, but made it perfectly clear that nothing was going to happen) where some more snogging started when, all of a sudden she stops and claims that she can't do dating, that there is something in her past that she hasn't yet dealt with. RB apologised for this, for "leading me on" and stated a desire to be friends.

Given her nature when she's drunk (being aggressive as a defensive measure), I had thought this was perhaps something like that, but the next day when I mentioned that I'd had a great time and would love to do it again, she reiterated the friendship claim. When I expressed my disappointment and mentioned that I had held some hopes that this would go a different route, she seemed quite dismissive of my point of view.

We left on reasonably good terms with a tentative plan to see each other this week. I'm kinda hoping that she talks to her friends (all girls do, don't they?) and they encourage her to change her mind and to give the dating thing a proper go.

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. I'll need to sort myself out tomorrow.

WTF?

I'll blog in full later but for now just let me say that I really don't understand women.