"They're all useless. Come and work with me!"
I fobbed her off. It's nice to have in my back pocket, and it's probably a 30% pay rise, but judging from what she, and another friend, say about the working practices, I'm not sure it's a good fit for me, but nice to have as a fall back.
We ended up chatting for about half an hour, which was great. I kinda needed the distraction.
CC is meant to be coming round tonight. How long will it take before I lose me temper?
Some might say it was classic KfW2. She pulled up in front of my house at about 4:15PM. It was 4:35 by the time she knocked on the front door, because she was on the phone. Then her daughter needed collecting earlier than she had anticipated. We managed a quick cup of tea, a quick discussion about our various work-related woes and then she had to run off, roughly half an hour later.
During the conversation, she apologised a few times for being blunt, but there was no need to apologise in my opinion. She was offering advice and feedback that I'd not considered by myself and that my own manager probably should have given a while back. I guess that's the benefit of getting that advice from someone who probably knows me better than anyone else. And I am fully aware that there are times I do need that bluntness, that verbal kick up the ass, and I said as much to KfW2.
I loved the brief time that we had chatting, and was disappointed that she left so soon after arriving - we chatted for maybe 20 minutes.
However, the thing is with KfW2, and I think I've said this before, that while her advice and feedback is always welcome, sometimes there is an element of a preachy ex-smoker vibe to it. Case in point - she's nearly as bad at job interviews as I am. But a few years ago she went for a job and didn't get it. Then a few days later, she got a call from the same manager who offered her a slightly different job. Since then, she's gotten a few promotions and job changes, though she was pretty much handed them.
To hear her talk, you'd think that she battled the odds to get to where she's gotten, ignoring the massive element of luck that set her along that path. Alongside that, she's been hand-selected for promotions partly off the back her work. Fair play to her for making the most of the initial opportunity, but a lot of what she's brought to her new job was created in her old role, my current team. So she's standing on the shoulders of giants. She's often been critical of the favouritism shown towards Stalky Guy, but doesn't admit or see the same thing happening to her.
I'm not saying she's bad at her job. I honestly don't know exactly what she's done since she made the initial change a little over three years ago, but she was excellent at her job while she was on my team.
I'll admit it. I am hugely jealous of the recognition and luck that she's gotten, mainly because a lot of what she's been recognised for has been my work, my ideas, my innovation, that she's carried into her new team. It annoys me that I can't buy recognition in my own team for the same work. If I didn't have massive anxiety issues, I'd have gone elsewhere a long time ago, but it's these anxiety issues that are a real problem at the moment.
The attractive blonde HR girl, who I was talking to on Monday, pointed me towards some help, perhaps even some kind of counselling, depending on what the initial assessment turns up. And I'm pretty sure it'll turn something up - I am a broken man in more ways than one, and probably have been a lot longer than I care to admit.
Getting back to KfW2's advice, she's suggesting that some practice will help, some public speaking training will help, but I'm not sure that these are the things I need to address. I feel that there's something more ingrained that's causing the anxiety - the anxiety itself is a symptom, not the cause, if that makes sense.
But it was great seeing her again, for only like the third time this year. Hopefully we can squeeze another couple of meetings in before Xmas. Bittersweet because it made me realise how much I value her friendship and how much I miss her.
I might see KfW2 today, but not under great circumstances. I'm pessimistic. In order to do that, I'll need a taxi, and the weather here is awful, which usually means taxis are busy. But I kinda feel that I need to do this thing (sorry for being vague but I don't want to go into details) as I feel that I let her down over something similar about ten years ago and don't want to repeat the mistake. We've barely spoken this year, we've seen each other, in person, twice, I think.
It's near FP's house, so I could potentially call in and see him after KfW2.
KfW2 appeared in a dream last night, as did FA2. I don't remember a lot about the FA2 appearance beyond we were sharing a bed, naked, with lots of cuddling. The KfW2 aspect is clearer in my memory - she had emigrated to somewhere foreign and far away - Australia or New Zealand. After she's left, people kept turning up to my house, looking for her and money she owed them. And more people and more people. And then it transpired that she could never come home due to these debts, and that made me sad.
So, yeah, multiple KfW2 reasons that I woke this morning feeling a little down, with KfW2 in mind.
I was scrolling through some recent WhatsApp messages from KfW2. I wanted to see the last time we spoke. It's about a month ago.
We had swapped a few text messages before she called me. One of the messages said:
"Sorry I've been such a bad friend recently. I'm struggling to fit everything in"
I feel bad. I don't remember that registering at the time nor did I remember it until I went through the messages.
I feel similarly. I know I've been very withdrawn this year, I've barely seen anyone outside of my family in months - CC, Nerdy Girl and FP are probably the only exceptions. And it's mostly been on purpose.
I need to make some time to see KfW2. I think she might need something like this - even if it's just a lunch. I have a horrible feeling that she's been struggling recently and I've been oblivious. I've been a bad friend.
I called KfW2 few nights ago. She has a lot of stuff on her mind at the moment. Once this weekend goes, I'll try and do something with her.
I know that, over the years, I've often described CC from a physical standpoint. I can never be sure if I'm being accurate and also, being more of a visual person, I try to make comparisons with other people. In the case of this blog, I try to compare to celebrities, so CH gets compared to 2013-ish Alison Brie, KfW2 to Morena Baccarin etc.
Facially, I'm still yet to figure out who CC might look like, if anyone, but body-wise, inspiration struck at the weekend when watching a few episodes of Brooklyn 99. I'm surprised it took so long... the character Rosa Diaz could have been modelled on CC herself, right down to dress sense. Facially they are nowhere near similar, but CC's choice of clothes (when not in her yoga pants attire) is dark jeans, baggy tops, leather jackets and ankle boots.
Years ago, I shared a photo with USHW of a work event that I had attended. In it were a brunette girl and a blonde girl, both very attractive. I can't remember why I shared the photo. I was probably showing USHW one of my work crushes.
You'll probably be unsurprised to hear that the brunette in question was KfW2, and she hasn't really changed in the fourteen years since the photo was taken. The blonde has changed, and for the better, in my opinion.
While I would never say that the blonde and I were friends, we were on nodding and "hello" terms. I recall a moment a few years ago where I was queueing for a local comedy night and the blonde walked past and saw me.
"Ruuude!" she exclaimed, a big smile on her face.
"Blondie" I replied.
She walked on, that was the extent of our exchange.
My companion, I'm pretty sure it was E, was terribly excited and demanded to know if she was someone I could date.
Why the somewhat random topic? Well, I'm just off a video call with the blonde. Nice. It brightened my day! Well... a little. I didn't get exactly the news that I wanted to hear, but I did get some support, which is a start.
Facebook has reminded me of a work night out, nine years ago, where CH had been her tactile self. There were, if I recall correctly, a few kisses. There was a few instances of sliding her hand down my back and resting it on my ass and, when sitting together, having her hand on my thigh.
So, this isn't actually a "I miss CH" post, though that is undoubtedly true to an extent.
It's more of a comment that CH, even married, was the last time I can recall there being mutual chemistry with someone else, even if it was unlikely to be acted upon. Yes, I was attracted to CB, but she didn't know I existed. I know that Ideas Girl was interested in me, but that was also one-way traffic.
And it's a reminder of my isolation and loneliness.
I had a meeting today that I've been waiting to happen for over two months and it lasted about ten minutes before I panicked and backed out. I've been telling people for weeks, if not months, that this was likely. There have been recent, if more minor, examples in other meetings too.
And then I spent the rest of the afternoon angry and frustrated at myself, stressed and anxious (I've been feeling the latter two emotions almost constantly for the past few weeks) and kinda lonely and unheard.
It's something that I've been considering posting about over the past year or so with the plethora of mental health posts on social media and the corresponding lack of recognition in the real world. In trying to share my anxiety issues with others, I don't feel that people want to know or play down what I'm trying to tell them.
I tried to explain this to one of our HR reps a few days ago. His response to an admission that I've been stressed and anxious and barely sleeping for nearly three weeks due to upcoming meetings? Go for a walk prior to the meeting.
USHW has often accused me of underselling myself when trying to talk to, for example, KfW2. However, this time, there could not have been any ambiguity. And it's something I've noticed around people in general. For all the talk on social media, people still don't recognise the symptoms when presented directly with them.
There may be fallout from today's incident, but right now, I'm just mentally exhausted. The anxiety and stress has diminished a fair bit as it was all focussed on today's lunchtime meeting, so there may be some proper sleep tonight for the first time in weeks.
