Splendid isolation.

Since I joined a new team and department at the start of the year, I've found myself doing a lot of the things that, IMO, my manager should have been doing. Additionally, my co-workers have been very standoff-ish, if you can be standoff-ish when you're remotely working. This has fed into my feeling of isolation that's been lurking over the Winter months.

But my expectations would be that my manager would have a "new guy" plan, for training, learning the new processes, getting to know my team-mates. Somehow, though, this is all on me and doesn't already exist.

KfW2 is surprised at how hands-off my manager is but, as she explained, "you're really good at this, make this your own". And she's right. Despite being shy and introverted, I am hugely inclusive. Writing training documentation and sharing knowledge and information is something that I excel at, and in my last role, I was brilliant at bringing new team members on and getting them integrated.

But I kinda feel, almost, that this is going to be pulled out from under me, that my new manager will all-of-a-sudden say that I am not learning things fast enough, that I should be more advanced etc. It's probably baseless, she's seemed OK so far when we have interacted, but by the same token, I should have had a meeting with her, to talk about my year-end scores and any potential pay rise and bonus.

In theory, managers have until the end of February to do the meetings, but my pay slip will be sent, via email, in about an hour. So it's entirely possible that even if I do have this meeting, that I will already know the numbers, but given my experiences so far, I'm not ruling out not having the meeting at all.

That'll be concerning, and something I can raise at my fortnightly checkpoint, which is on Thursday.

Just F things.

This time, in 2005, I was approaching the end of the weekend when F came to visit. A weekend of alcohol, bitching about K, F's bit on the side and generally just having a laugh. Plenty of people, K included, thought we were having an affair, that I was another bit on the side, but despite not really nailing down my own feelings towards her and the fact she had been quite promiscuous with other people from our mutual online hobby, we were platonic.

If I had to equate our friendship to anything or anyone else, it reminded me of me and CH, though I know I definitely was attracted to CH and I'm as sure as I can be that she was into me, too. But F & I and CH & I were tactile with each other, a lot more than I have been with most of my other female friends. The difference was that CH was skirting boundaries. I don't recall F grabbing my ass, for example.

She did offer to let me share her bed when she was visiting, but I went home at the end of each night, having made sure she got back to her hotel.

So, yeah, about 7PM, 17 years ago, F departed for the airport, tipsy, tired and, as she would go on to tell me for weeks afterwards, she had a really good time over the three days she was here.

Funktastic

So, another Saturday night alone, some beers and a re-watching of "Palm Springs" has gotten me in a kind of melancholy mood. Loneliness, but more tailored towards the romantic aspect of things rather than the general loneliness/isolation that I've been experiencing almost consistently over the past while.

Sleeping off the booze hasn't really helped that much (though I wasn't anywhere near being drunk), the feeling is still there this morning. Let's hope that being social will help. I'm semi-expecting to go to my sister's this afternoon, though the past few Sundays there has been no invitation. There's also the G aspect.

He may call at almost any time, though my gut is telling me it'll be an evening thing for a beer rather than an afternoon thing for a coffee, so that'll be later this afternoon or tomorrow evening. Next weekend is, hopefully, a night out with KfW2, but we'll to put that one on the back burner until midweek, then make arrangements.

Just some things.

I got my first, and so far only, tattoo about twenty years ago. I'd been interested in getting a tattoo for some time, but could never figure out what design I wanted. As it turned out, it was almost an impulse decision when I finally made a choice. I had talked to the artist who created a design especially for me and I loved it. I still do.

I had always intended getting another, but my original problem remained. I can't decide on a design. Even designs I saw online, I liked but never loved. And then I saw this, just now on Reddit.

As a fan of Wile E. Coyote and Looney Tunes, I love it. It's outstanding, isn't it? Oh! Oh! Oh! What if there was a Marvin the Martian one? 

Out of the blue.

G's just been in touch - he's unexpectedly in town until Tuesday. Did I fancy meeting for a pint or a coffee? Of course I do! He has some family stuff he needs to sort. He wasn't giving away any details but it sounds ominous.

Regardless, it'll be good to see G. It'll be good to get out of the house and get a change of scenery too.

Six Degrees.

It's been a while since I posted about how small the place is where I live. Not small, geographically, but socially. The amount of times I see people who are friends of friends who share other friends, or I spot someone on something like Tinder who goes on to be a friend of a friend. There are loads of examples that I've posted about before: CB with MFF, QC2 with MMBF, RB and GWTNA/MF, to name but a few.

And now I add another. Another woman on Tinder is a friend of a friend.

I think I've posted about the friend before... fit, attractive blonde girl from school. We've always had a bit of banter between us, but our paths rarely cross these days, mainly due to the fact she lives in Scotland somewhere. Or maybe the north of England.

Regardless, she posted a 'happy birthday' message to a friend of hers who has, reasonably frequently, popped up on my Tinder feed, though I don't remember seeing her recently to be honest.

Er... and that's about it really.

Ouch.

I woke this morning with a sore wrist. It feels like I've fallen over and injured myself, but I haven't done any of that. I've barely left the house in weeks, never mind be off doing something where I might have fallen over.

In, in.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, GM cancelled. He was feeling tired, he claimed. And KfW2 got in touch yesterday afternoon, apologising for not getting back to me sooner. She didn't feel that she could go out due to reasons related to her health and what happened before Xmas. Could we reschedule?

So, we're pencilled in for two weeks, which means it would be four years and fifty one weeks since I last recall us having a night out, just the two of us.

Schrödinger's Weekend

I've spent all week looking forward to going out tonight with The Crowd, and tomorrow night with KfW2. I chased up KfW2 as she hadn't replied to my text invitation. She said that she'd love to go out, but needed to confirm with her husband that they had no plans. Unsurprisingly, I've not heard back from her. Sigh.

And then to compound my frustration, GM suggested that he might cancel his proposed gathering tonight due to Covid concerns. Namely that he's due to go on holiday in a few weeks' time and wants to reduce the risk of exposure until then. Now why he couldn't have considered that last weekend when he first suggested we meet for drinks is another matter.

He's still mulling it over. He does want to go out, but his logical side is wanting him to stay at home.

As usual, it's the lack of knowing that's annoying me more than whatever the decision will be.

I'm not particularly inclined to chase up KfW2 again - more due to a reluctance to leave the house rather than anger/stubbornness directed towards KfW2, but I kinda feel like I should chase her up if GM cancels. Losing one night is a minor inconvenience, losing both would be properly annoying.

Wait, what?

Ever have one of those memories where you can't remember if it's real, or if it was a dream or if it is true, but you were drunk at the time?

I guess it stems from my dream last night, and having E on my mind. There are tenuous ties between S and E, that I think I've blogged about before.

Anyway, the maybe-memory that has provoked this post came about at lunchtime when, randomly, a confession from GM popped into my head. The admission was that he'd slept with a friend of S's. A friend that S had a massive crush on until recently (and still might actually have). While GM does have a way with the ladies, there are reasons that this is surprising, but I'm not going into them today.

S has never admitted (to The Crowd) that he was romantically interested in his friend, but he has to E who he randomly chatted to in the pub one night (hence the tenuous link), who shared the news to me, who (eventually) shared the news to GM.

Missing the point.

I had a dream last night where I left KfW2 at a bar and walked home while she waited for her hubby to pick her up. On the way home, I met E, who had returned home permanently, and we embarked on an adventure, of sorts. It's difficult to describe, but we were kind of watching a film, but taking part in it at the same time. Almost like a VR kind of thing, though without the headset. It was a Marvel film, with Thor, though also had classical animation in it as well. Like a Marvel-esque "Who framed Roger Rabbit". Regardless, the details of what happened within the adventure/interactive movie are vague, but what wasn't vague was waking this morning and having a feeling of desperately missing E.

I've tried a few times to get her for a video call or some description, but in reality, like a lot of things at the moment, I keep forgetting about it. I think it's part of the ongoing mental health issues. I have a TON of stuff in my "to do" list that I continually forget about (including phoning the people that I was recommended about said mental health issues).

And as for E, I'd love to see her again.

Thumb thing else.

Gah. Doing my monthly browse through Tinder, and up pops one of the minor celebrities that can pop up from time to time. Unlike most of them, she's one of the few I'd actually like to meet. Regardless of any romantic interest and physical attraction (ticks a fair amount of boxes there), I think she's someone who would be good fun and has interesting stories to tell. Well worth meeting, in a pub, for a few pints and some chat. I've swiped right on her quite a few times before, with no success, but you still have to try, right?

Except, I accidentally managed to swipe left on her. That's a rejection for those of you not familiar with the workings of Tinder. D'oh.

Planning.

GM sent a text late last night. Would we like to meet for a few drinks next weekend? Well, I would, but it depends on the night. I still have this invitation to KfW2 for dinner, so I don't want to commit to Saturday. Luckily, after a bit of back and forth, it was decided that we'd meet on Friday. it could be a busy week if KfW2 decides to reply. I'll follow up with her on Wednesday if she hasn't said anything by then.

S still hasn't said anything, but I think he'll be up for it... and he'll undoubtedly bring his mates with whim he's co-dependant (or it seems that way).

I also sent a quick text to FBS, D and Friction Guy, to see if they'd like to meet at some point next month. FBS has already replied in the affirmative and the others have been quiet.

What's the opposite of 'spot the difference'?

I have no plans this weekend. What a surprise, right? FP's out of the country, but we've been trying unsuccessfully to meet for a few drinks over the past, well, month or so. I've asked KfW2 out for dinner next week, but am still waiting for a reply.

Anyway, that's just a long way to say that I am sat in front of the TV watching Peacemaker. It's surprisingly funny, but I've been taken by Jennifer Holland.

I seem to recall saying something similar about Kate Beckinsale in Jolt.

Oh, and Tricia Helfer in Battlestar Galactica.

And Jennifer Lawrence in Passengers.

And this singer, whose name I can't currently remember:

Can you spot the connection?

Teasing.

I was restless last night. I woke up a few times, but was able to get back to sleep quickly. In between those times I woke up, I dreamt of FA2.

She was single. That was consistent across the dreams. In the first dream, we had sex, then I was her "+1" at a wedding, though we weren't together as a couple, more of a FwB kinda thing. The other two dreams I can remember were slightly different. She was still single, and I was her "+1" to social gatherings, but she was teasing sleeping with me, then when I tried to get her into bed, she would back off.

So when I woke this morning, there was obvious frustration, but also a sort of desire just to sit down and have a chat with FA2. I can't explain that one. 

Frustration.

Last night, I dreamt of Sports Girl. Specifically, the period between her admission that she "liked me" and my moving into my current place.

In real life, what happened was that I spent an awful lot of time chatting with USHW about whether I could get a FwB thing going with SG, plus trying to see if she was open to such a thing.

In my dream, what happened was that we kissed after her admission, then spent two months trying to get some privacy to seal the deal, as it were.

This was an issue in real life, too. I was living with family with no privacy (certainly not enough to bring a girl back for sex) and she had kids living with her. So, my goal was to try to see if she was interested, then make a move/suggest FwB once I'd moved into my own place.

The reality was that I simply couldn't get a handle on her. IIRC, she seemed interested when we were chatting, but as soon as I suggested something where we'd spend time alone, she'd immediately back off.

So I awoke this morning, completely frustrated, but it wasn't SG who was on my mind after the dream, but CAB. We had also shared privacy issues when dating and finding it impossible to seal the deal, which was a big factor in our breaking up.

Wiggle it.

I'm bingeing "My Name is Earl" again, and Nadine Velazquez is very striking. What caused me to post about it was not Ms Vazquez's good looks but a couple of episodes where her character, Catalina, dances. That prompted a memory of E, who was a very wriggly dancer, and that was often the cause of my rare non-platonic thoughts of her. ES, who was a model/dancer in her past, was also a wriggly dancer.

I can't find the images and Gifs in question that really hammer home the point I'm making, but she's very wriggly.