This is gonna hurt in the morning.

I spent all afternoon in the garden, working on a plan that my sister had come up with around how to pretty up the space. We did about three hours of fairly back-breaking physical labour and I'm already sore. In fact, as I've posted about previously is that my back isn't in great shape since the lockdown. I don't think my cheap office chair is really suited to 8+ hour stints.

What I'm not happy with is the ever-changing scope and the fact I need to phone more and more people. I've posted before about social anxiety, and that's in full force right now just thinking about the people I need to call at some point tomorrow.

So, having had a shower and something to eat, I'm going to sit on the sofa for a bit. I'm not going to head to S's, for two reasons. The first is that I am physically wrecked. The second is that he's admitted that his two close mates are already there, so with those two, his girlfriend, FC, Mrs FC and and GM, I think it's probably best from a pandemic standpoint that I keep my distance, despite my inquisitiveness about the girlfriend.

But I will crack open a beer.

Just things.

I've had a few visitors over the past few days. S has been twice, and KfW2 has also popped in. All above board within the rules - outside, 2 metres or more apart of course.

And I've really been enjoying the weather. A few days off work, some chores done in the garden with a view to doing a bigger project and a bit of tinkering on the bike so I've been out doing a test run or two to ensure the work is properly done.

And now S has just messaged suggesting a beer or two at his tomorrow... He's also suggested that his "new" girlfriend might be there. That'll be interesting. She's very pretty. I've seen her on Tinder looking especially foxy in some kind of pirate wench costume. She also, according to Stalky Guy, completely bonkers.

S's place is out of the weather. Transport might be difficult, but the chance  to have a catch up with GM and to meet S's new girlfriend is really tempting.

Just Blog Stuff.

Eagle-eyed readers will have noticed two things over the past few days.

The first is that the theme has changed. I'm trying out new, dark themes. I'm not 100% happy with the one I'm using currently, but am looking at others, so expect further changes as and when I can find the time to do some investigation.

Secondly, that my images have disappeared from my last few posts. It's strange because I have these hosted on my Imgur account, but each time the images disappear and I go back into the source of the post, it looks like the images were re-hosted inside Google itself. I think it's a Google issue that they're aware of, but again, I'm still looking into it. No backless dress images of the lovely Brie Larson for you, dear reader.

Dream a little dream.

Back in the day, my parents had some close friends who had their own kids - three girls. Two girls were slightly older than me, and one was slightly younger. We were friends in our own right. My parents and their parents even had a holiday home near to each other in a coastal town, so we'd see each other frequently.

I might have developed a slight crush on the youngest one after a night where we ended up staying up until the middle of the night, confiding in each other a little, drinking and smoking around a campfire on the beach. It never went anywhere, and once my parents sold our holiday home, we all kinda drifted apart.

However, I hadn't seen any of them in years. Strangely, none of them are on Facebook, but despite that, they all appeared in a dream of mine from last night. I was dating the middle girl while a co-worker was trying it on with the eldest and the youngest seemed to be on the periphery, not really being the focus or playing any part in the dream, but just being there.

Weird.

Groan.

I spent yesterday in the back garden, clearing some overgrown hedge. I was taking it easy, so it wasn't the most physical day I've ever had. Saying that, I woke this morning feeling as if someone had beaten me to a pulp. I have aches and pains everywhere.

I'm going to go to the DIY shop to get some things, then back into the garden this afternoon. Tomorrow is not going to be pain free either, I think!

Status Update: Week 4

After last week's horrendous results, which I still can't adequately explain, I was hoping that stepping onto the scales this week would see me at least hit my lowest weight so far (224 lbs or lower).  USHW had suggested last week that it might have been water retention due to the Chinese takeaway I'd had the night before, though I was slightly sceptical and was leaning towards the scales being broken. After all, I had been calorie counting and while the exercise had tailed off a bit, I was still expecting/hoping to see a figure of about 222 lbs, so that was a swing of 6.5 lbs - not inconsiderable for one week.

So the magic number this week is 226.6 lbs, which is at least down on last week's figure by an acceptable 2 lbs, but part of me is disappointed that it's not lower than 224.

Baby got back... again.

I know that I've admitted that a woman wearing a backless outfit can be a massive turn-on. I've mentioned it at least once in this post.

So imagine my delight at finding this picture of Brie Larson, that ticks a few boxes:

• Brie herself
• Short hair
• Backless type dress (if it were another inch or two lower then I'd be a dribbling wreck)

Oh yes!

Woah.

A few days ago, I made a rare post on Facebook. I don't update my status much (or my profile picture etc.) I just use it to be in contact with people. On the rare occasions that I do make updates, they're usually self-deprecating and not at all serious.

My post was one of those - a pandemic-related, self-deprecating post. And I posted it to provoke a response because, as I've either said or implied elsewhere, I am feeling a little isolated. And the reaction was great - plenty of people reacted, commented and took the piss. That was exactly what I wanted.

What I wasn't expecting were outliers to say something. Outliers are people who I'm friends with on Facebook who don't really interact with me on the site or in the real world. People like FA2 or V, both of whom reacted or commented. Sports Girl, too, came out of the woodwork to post.

G sent a message over WhatsApp rather, weirdly, comment on Facebook (he is a member).

I'm actually touched by the number of people who have responded in some shape or form.

Sigh.

KfW2 called round last night. It wasn't unexpected - she had said that she would, at some point. We spent a pleasant few hours just chatting.

I let slip that I was feeling slightly isolated, though emphasised that this was primarily more professional than personal (though that's a factor too). Stalky Guy is the boss's favourite and it has really shown during this lockdown. My boss has contacted me, directly, twice since we went into lockdown on March 16th and both those times were because Stalky Guy was unavailable.

I let slip this nugget of information to KfW2 who was appalled. But what can you do? Call it out? Theoretically, you could. I don't have the skills to do that in a way that doesn't sound like a rant about favouritism, even though the complaint is really more about my boss's lack of soft skills.

While I may be borderline ASD or ADHD or social anxiety (or even all three, as discussed with KfW2 last night), even I recognise the need for managers to engage with the people they're responsible for, at a personal level. I suggested to KfW2 that the boss should be doing more. My example was a personal, non-work phone call, just to check-in from a mental health perspective. My company is big on things like mental health etc. but I'm not seeing that reflected at my level.

"I don't do that!" she exclaimed.

She expanded on the topic, but it turns out that she's doing something similar in her own way... and she's doing a LOT of it. But I expected that. KfW2 has a lot of empathy and will try her best to look after the people she's in charge of.

She conceded that I did have a point and repeated her shock at my manager's (lack of) actions.

We circled back to the ASD conversation and we talked about some of the questions that were in the "assessment". For example, KfW2 and I have differing opinions on my ability to make friends. I think it's difficult, because I find social interaction difficult, but when I find people who I'm comfortable with, and like, then I will move mountains to maintain those friendships. KfW2 thinks I make friends easily and suggested that she was a little jealous of some of my friendships. She also suggested that she was bad at making friends. I, of course, disagreed. KfW2's problem (if you view it that way) is that she doesn't make a lot of long-term friends.

However, she's made friends of her own in recent years, so she can make friends.

Status Update: Week 3

It's not been a good start to the week. Stepping onto the scales this morning and it registered 228.5 lb. That's an INCREASE in 4.5 lbs since this time last week.

While the exercise fell by the wayside a little (and yesterday was a write-off, diet wise), the calorie deficit was still in place.

I was expecting a slowdown in the amount of weight lost (averaging at 2.5 lbs per week since the start), though I was still expecting to be lighter than last week's check in.

This is, obviously, a concern as a gain of 4.5 lbs in one week is substantial. Calorie-wise that's an additional 16 thousand calories, or an additional 2 thousand per day (roughly speaking). Bearing in mind I was operating at a rough 600 calorie per day deficit, then I really have to wonder.

Oh dear.

Ever had "The Fear" after a night of drinking and partying? I haven't... but today I have an overwhelming sense of... something. Something not being right.

I don't know if it's related to the fact that the early morning, work-based phone call yesterday didn't go 100% smoothly (it really shouldn't have an influence), but I still feel like something's just over the horizon that's going to go badly for me.

I'm also kinda burned out (presumably with work, but there could well be a lockdown influence here). And fed up. And while I'm actually saving a bit of money during this pandemic, the fact that Stalky Guy is earning 30% more than me has been niggling at the back of my mind for a few weeks.

Ideally, I'd take a few days off, meet some friends, hit the pub and that would be enough to recharge my batteries and give me a boost again. That's not something that's going to happen any time soon though.

When the pubs do re-open, I already have semi-agreed nights out with KfW2 and FBS/D/Opinionated Guy and Brusque Guy with just the dates to be confirmed. I daresay other nights will be talked about (S, GM etc. for example), so there are things to look forward to.

Blast from the past.

D sent me a picture...

"Remember this?"

It took a few seconds, but then the penny dropped. It was our old stomping grounds from when I was a teenager. That prompted fond memories of being a mischievous teenager... but it also prompted memories of a girl who was pretty much my first girlfriend and the person with whom I lost my virginity.

It brought a smile to my face on a day where it was needed. I'm still feeling the after effects of this morning's early start.

FFS.

"I need help!" bleated Stalky Guy about 2 months ago.

Sigh. He's meant to be good at his job... able to work on his own... all that stuff you expect from someone who gets good scores from managers and seemingly can do no wrong and is classed as a senior team member. But he's not - he's very insecure and needs constant reassurance. I agreed to help him.

And that time for help was last night. Well, this morning. At 4 AM, to be exact. After two hours of sleep. Followed by a 5 hour phone call where, quite frankly, people who should know better were fucking useless and annoying me.

Then I went to bed for a power nap and woke two hours later to a missed test message from Stalky Guy because something had gone wrong. Presumably he couldn't solve it on his own. The problem was solved eventually, before I got online, but no-one's told me what the problem is/was.

In the past, this would have been a huge deal and fingers would have been pointed and heads would have rolled. These days, if you can resolve these problems quickly, then there's less of a witch hunt. Let's see what Monday morning brings.

Questionable Actions

In a state of boredom and avoiding some really dry online training courses that I had to do for work, I fired up Tinder. My location has been reset to my hometown, the free "roaming" boost seemingly ended.

London-based people looking for women through Tinder/do online dating - do not take for granted the standard of dating profile you have to wade through compared to what I am used to.

There were some attractive women in my queue, though with little to say for themselves in their profiles. No hook ups and no one-night stands, you say? Quelle surprise!

And then, who should pop up but E's sister. She had plenty to say for herself and lots of pictures as well! I noticed that with Attractive Neighbour tool. It must be something to do with people who are used to having their photo taken - AN, ES, and the local celebrities that pop up sometimes all seem to have more photos on display than the average woman.

I must message ES and find out if she's having any luck (prediction: she won't be). I've swiped right, not because I want to date ES, but for some banter if she does the same.

A touching story.

I broke social distancing today and while I'm not going to go into the details of why, I will say that there were extenuating circumstances and I would do it again. I gave away a hug to a family member who needed one. It also turn s out that I needed one too. That's my first human contact in, what, eight weeks? It felt good. I am touch starved at the best of times, but I love a hug. Ultimately, I think the hug ended up helping us both.

*taps foot*

Not an awful lot to say about this. I'm not a huge Pulp fan, but this is a GREAT song. Easily my favourite of theirs... and Sophie Ellis-Bextor does a brilliant cover of it. Get your ears around this.

I wish this was on Spotify.

Status Update: Week 2

The second weigh-in is done and the magic umber is 224.0 lbs, that's just under two and a half pounds lost this week, which is good going especially with me having a load of beers on Friday. In total, that's roughly 7.5 lbs since I stood on the scales just over two weeks ago.

224 is also the first stage goal. That's 16 stone or 101 kg. The next goal is 210 lbs (or 15 stone or 96  kg). If things go the way they have done, I could make that by the middle or end of June.

Exercise was intermittent last week, but this week I'm definitely going to try and get back into the yoga, as well as continue the lunchtime walking.

Calorie counting is still something I'm adapting to, and I still have to fix my bike, so that form of exercise is off the table until i can dig out the manual for the gears.

Rewind (Part 2)

I've continued to go through some of the old chat logs that I've found again, this time a little more recent than 2004... 2010! Specifically, 2010 and chatting to DSC. While I knew that I had said to her about finding her friend attractive, I couldn't recall any details... but I've been quite direct in the chats - appreciating DSC's friend's rack, suggesting we (myself and DSC's friend) hook up the next time we arrange a night out etc. When our conversations had substance and she wasn't just bitching about her useless boyfriend, DSC and I had some decent chat and covered some decent topics.

She was very supportive in my online dating journey, but couldn't understand how she was getting dozens of messages every day and I was getting, if I was lucky, one a month. Like KfW2, she just didn't really understand how my experiences were different and how, if I did online dating for any length of time, it really got me down.

Hooking up with DSC's friend never happened, though I do know of at least one time that DSC suggested to her friend that we get horizontal. There was a reference to a photo of DSC's friend, so I went off to Facebook to refresh my memory and got sidetracked down another rabbit hole, this time photos and a realisation (as I'd completely forgotten) of the year that MM and MMBF came out for my birthday.

I've only scratched the surface of the chat logs. I bet there are loads of memories buried in there.

Soaking.

With the various aches and pains I was experiencing yesterday, I did something I've not done in ages... well over a year. I had a bath. I love the idea of soaking in a hot bath, with a book, and just chilling for a bit. The reality is always that, five minutes into a bath, I get restless and bored. I've always been fidgety in general, so this isn't specific to taking a bath. The last time I recall actually soaking in a bath for any length of time was with company... FA2 to be precise.

That was the case last night. I got a few pages into my book and got bored. After another few minutes, I gave myself a quick scrub and stepped out of the bath. Even those ten minutes worked wonders. I felt much better for the rest of the evening.

Rewind

Off the back of last night's dream about K, I dug out my old archive of MSN chats from back in the day to see if the timings matched my memory - they do, for the record. Sadly, I only started logging them in April 2004, long after I got physical with K and her subsequent bonkers actions (befriending F, inviting herself when a mutual friend came to visit, insisting that I am afraid of commitment etc.) It would have been interesting to read the conversations around all that (plus those I had with F when she was trying to get me to admit to shagging K).

However, it is intriguing that K and I were still chatting reasonably regularly on MSN, despite all that had gone on. Admittedly, most of it was around the online hobby that we had in common or solving technical issues with her PC, but still more than I had remembered. In my head, it had started to dwindle after K and I had sex and she started, rather aggressively, to talk about relationships late in 2003, early 2004.

It's been some fun, re-reading the logs... it's also a reminder how intense K was.

There was also a snippet of chat where K logged on one night, pissed, and demanded to know why I hadn't spoken to her in weeks... despite the fact she hadn't logged on in weeks (and we only communicated via MSN). I shared that conversation quickly with F who was also online at the time and we had a good old giggle.

And an admission from F that K "wanted to nail me" the weekend that F and I met for the first time. Again, how this seeming quest for casual sex ties into her demands for a relationship makes the mind boggle.

There are also conversations with F who was very insistent that I made moves on E, when she still lived in the UK, despite my protestations that my feelings were extremely ambiguous. 

Dreams

I kinda fell off the calorie counting wagon yesterday. Well, I did count the calories, but I wasn't paying attention to them because of alcohol. At 200 calories per can (fuck you, alcohol), I ended up roughly 1000 calories over my target. As such, I had a poor night of sleep and a dream that involved K. It was a half memory, of a trip we did back in... I'm going to say early 2004. This was after I'd had sex with K and she'd gone really weird. In real life, she was still very much interested in me, and while I would have bedded her again, I still had no interest in pursuing anything romantic.

In the dream, we did end up having sex that particular weekend... lots of it.

As such, this morning, in combination with last night's drunkenness and this morning's craving for The Cure, I have been extremely frustrated. I also feel that I've just gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. I have aches and pains everywhere.

Sexing it up.

Apparently the story goes that the HR department asked the attractive 26-year old if she would star in their recruitment video. She turned them down but was happy to help out in other ways, in a less prominent role. So they went ahead and made the film with her working alongside your modern I.T. bloke. 

"Don't worry... the emphasis will be on him," they promised.

So, Sexy Co-worker appeared an awful lot in what was ostensibly a "diary" of his normal day. I don't know if she picked her own wardrobe, but I've never seen her running around the office in a tight jumper and short skirt before. Well, maybe the jumper.

Lo and behold, when surfing Facebook last week, someone had shared a recruitment post for our company. Something to do with finance. Whose face was front and centre for this job advertisement? Yup, Sexy Co-worker. She's a software developer, nothing to do with Finance. But then later... the same face, different job. And again today for an HR position.

It's nothing new. Our place has used attractive (female) employees before for posters. There's one out there with KfW2 and SBF. But I've never seen it done to this extent, where one person has been "pushed" so much. And while I often mention (and appreciate) how attractive I think women like KfW2, JB, SSCW, CH, Pretty blonde or Quiet Girl, or one of GM's exes are, they're not an indicator of the workforce, which is pretty much as you might expect from an I.T. company.

“Someone has to save our skins. Into the garbage chute, fly boy.”

Just about sneaking in on Star Wars day (May the Fourth, if you're unaware of that particular pun), I found this picture of Aisling Bea. Funny, intelligent, attractive women dressed as Princess Leia? You betcha!

When TV mirrors real life.

I was watching an episode of NCIS while eating my dinner and one of the characters mentioned "sociophobia" (or it might have been "social phobia") and described it as "a fear of being judged or analysed publicly".

This struck a nerve. I believe that I've recently admitted to something similar in a recent post about my health/weight. I knew it existed, but I'd never really given it any thought that it might actually be something.

I paused the programme and went off to the internet where I found this. I've quoted a bit of the page below.

Symptoms of social anxiety
Social anxiety is more than shyness. It's a fear that does not go away and affects everyday activities, self confidence, relationships and work or school life.

Many people occasionally worry about social situations, but someone with social anxiety feels overly worried before, during and after them.

You may have social anxiety if you:

• worry about everyday activities, such as meeting strangers, starting conversations, speaking on the phone, working or shopping
• avoid or worry a lot about social activities, such as group conversations, eating with company and parties
• always worry about doing something you think is embarrassing, such as blushing, sweating or appearing incompetent
• find it difficult to do things when others are watching – you may feel like you're being watched and judged all the time
• fear being criticised, avoid eye contact or have low self-esteem
• often have symptoms like feeling sick, sweating, trembling or a pounding heartbeat (palpitations)
• have panic attacks, where you have an overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety, usually only for a few minutes

Many people with social anxiety also have other mental health issues, such as depression, generalised anxiety disorder or panic disorder.

The bits in bold above are things that have bothered me for some time. I believe the whole self-conscious thing ties into this like, for example, my reluctance to get into fancy dress, or my discomfort when I wear a suit (despite extremely positive comments from the likes of AM, QC1, KfW2 and CH amongst others).

I don't tend to have panic attacks (see the sentence in italics), but I did last year in the lead up to some job interviews, which is tied back into some of the things in bold.

Something to ponder, I think.

Status Update: Week One.

My first proper weigh-in is now done and the magic number is 226.4 lbs. In isolation, the number is slightly disappointing bearing in mind that I lost 2 lbs between my impromptu weighing and my first Monday morning weigh-in, only a few days apart. The bigger picture is more encouraging - I've lost just over 4 lbs in ten days, primarily through calorie counting.

Once I add some exercise to the mix, I hope to be able to continue to lose weight at roughly 2 lbs per week.

I'll get back to walking at lunchtime this week. If I can fix the gears on my bike, I can get out for the odd cycle and I still have the yoga to get back into to aid general flexibility and open up some more strenuous exercise.

I'm still adapting to calorie counting though it's not been as difficult or as intrusive as I had assumed. It's looking good so far.

Wistful thinking.

The recent picture of CH prompted a bit of nostalgia last night. It may or may not have been alcohol-fuelled. It was tinged with a great sense of disappointment though, of what might have been. After all, this was a woman who confided in me when she was pregnant, long before she gave everyone else the good news. This was a woman who sent some gushing messages (albeit drunk) about how fabulous I was as a friend, who turned to me for help and advice when she was looking for a new job and who claimed to be actively looking for someone for me to meet. She even told me that she was considering giving her then-unborn child my name if it was a boy. I believe she was eventually talked out of it by OK and MFF.

Ignoring the will-they-won't-they goings on, CH was someone I could have been close friends with and it saddens me to this day, even with the many, many times she disappointed me, that it ended the way it did.

Well, hello!

CH popped up in my Facebook feed earlier... a new profile pic and, despite the fact I don't think she's particularly photogenic (looks much better in person, in my opinion), it was a really nice photo of her.

So I left a comment... a compliment in my own style.

KfW2 even mentioned it to me in a text message, being very complimentary about the photo.

We've only swapped a comment, nothing more. I was expecting maybe a few more comments or, if I was lucky, a couple of DMs, but nothing more to come of it. It is CH after all. She of many promises and little action. Oh what I'd give for some action.

Boredom

Since the lock down and becoming bored, I've been day dreaming more than usual. Well, I dunno if you call it day dreaming, but thinking about things like winning the lottery, or buying a bigger, fancier house or a dream holiday.

But more than just thinking... browsing nice houses on the internet, looking at fancy hotels in places I want to visit, investigating expensive consumer electronics and all that kind of stuff.

A boy can dream, yes?

Jackpot!

Since the pandemic lock down, I've been living off the contents of my cupboards and fridge/freezer coupled with runs to my local Tesco and Co-Op stores for basic essentials. I usually order my shopping online from Tesco, but for the past eight weeks I've not been able to get anywhere near a delivery slot.

Today, I logged on to add things to my ever-growing shopping list (I maintain it just in case I get lucky) and lo and behold, half of the weekend's delivery slots are now free!

Suffice to say that I quickly got a basic order in and have spent all morning fleshing it out - hunting the house to find the things I really need, especially the bigger, bulkier or heavier items (e.g. cans of food etc.)

I won't know what's hit me on Sunday with a freezer, fridge AND cupboards full for the first time in months.