2020 can GTFO.

So it's New Year's Eve. Thanks to Covid, I haven't had my annual stress about getting people out for NYE). I did though, think about CB earlier. Presumably she popped into my head because it was NYE.

From a personal perspective, 2020 has been tough for me. 

Despite being happy in my own company and being somewhat of an introvert, I have missed seeing people, especially KfW2. I realise that I have been ultra-cautious with regards to the distancing, but with an elderly parent to consider, this has been something that I needed to do. Saying that, the longer I'm in isolation, the less I want to leave the house, even though I do feel incredibly isolated. I have, at least, and like a lot of other people, spent some time, effort and money on the house.

Professionally, I am lucky enough where I was able to transition to working from home easily, and keep my job without the need for furloughing etc. I had a good year that I hope will lead to a promotion (and pay rise), but I won't know until probably March.

Let's see what 2021 will bring.

More dreams.

For the past few mornings, I've awoken to a barely remembered dream. I was walking around a foreign city with a girl that I barely knew, though physically could have been CC, CAB, CH or KfW2, and I think the mystery woman could have taken on characteristics of any of those women (though they are all attractive brunettes with good figures anyway). It kinda reminded me of "Before Sunrise", in terms of the city, time of year etc. but without the undercurrent of romance.

I don't remember the end of the dream, just the walking and talking, but I do wake up feeling a bit lonely and down.

Just me.

I've not yet bought myself a Christmas present. I have some money set aside and I have a load of Amazon vouchers from work as well, so it could be a decent treat. But I can't decide what I want.

I was considering an Amazon Alexa device to replace my twenty year old alarm clock. I have one in the kitchen for radio use, recipes etc. and it's decent piece of kit. However Alexa listens to everything you say and I'm not sure that I want Alexa listening to me in my bedroom.

I also have something that I need to discuss with my sister, so I might try and pay her a visit later today.

Surprise, surprise.

I've often posted about how much I cherish KfW2's friendship, her empathy and compassion. She can be difficult and demanding as well, but her warmth can really shine through - much more than I can remember from anyone before, even AM (who was my closest friend for a long time) or FA2 (my longest relationship).

My sister's gift to me this Xmas shows that she at least knows me better than I would have given her credit. It was something that I liked immensely but probably would never have thought to buy myself - some art.

Compare that to FA2 who, when it was approaching my birthday, a few months after we'd started dating, suggested she bought me a watch. I already had a watch. I didn't need nor want another. I told FA2 this. Imagine my surprise when she gave me my gift on my birthday and it was... a watch. I don't think I completely masked the frustration on my face at the gift.

So, I'm completely in love with my sister's gift to me this year and it's already hanging on the wall.

Congratulations

A while ago, I think I posted a theory that MMBF had split up with her maybe boyfriend. After all, there have been zero mentions of him on Facebook from MMBF and the only time I've seen him mentioned was in what appeared to be a couples weekend away with MMBF's friend and her then fiancé.

As you might have guessed, based off a Facebook post yesterday, MMBF is now engaged to the aforementioned maybe boyfriend.

In fact, I was aware of four different engagements as of yesterday, a record!

Urgh again.

Last night involved another KFC and beer incident, so I didn't get a lot of sleep. In between bouts of waking in agony, I recall some kind of dream where I lived in America where I was playing in a soccer team alongside many unknown people and actress Kate Mara. In this dream, Kate and I were friendly, veering towards romantic.

At a practice session before an important game, nothing was going right for me, and who should turn up to watch? My parents. Kate did everything to help, but it was not to be. The dream ended around the time I woke up and it seemed I was going to ask her on a date.

Urgh.

Last night, I had a dream where work had made me redundant. They explained to me why they had made the decision, and showed me the algorithm that calculated the scores that they had used. Except the numbers for me were wrong, but there was no appeals process... I was gone.

I tried asking KfW2 for help, but she wasn't allowed to help and distanced herself.

And that was it - for most of the dream I tried to get a re-count with no success, then I tried to contact another friend to see if he would offer me a job, but I couldn't get in contact with him.

And I woke this morning, having tossed and turned all night, enough to dislodge all the bedclothes and more than a little upset.

As a result, I've been tired all day and a little out of sorts.

Looky here!

According to Facebook, today is the anniversary of one of our more memorable big days out. KfW2 and her hubby had a fight (over nothing - they were both drunk, and we all laugh about it to this day) and it was an overall fun time.

Of course, that's not the real reason for this post, though I am frustrated that I can't "share" the memory to my timeline for some reason. The real reason is that, on one of my other "memories" for today, there's a post from DSC.

DSC has a new name.

DSC has remarried.

Oooooh.

Further random pondering.

I think that I've previously said that online dating where I live is a pretty frustrating affair. The same people pop up again and again, especially on the dating apps (Tinder, Bumble etc.)

For reasons that I don't understand, I might see the same people numerous times per week. For others, a few times per year. Attractive Neighbour, my sister's university friend, a couple of local, minor, celebs all seem to pop up every few months or so. I assume they do some dating, it doesn't work out and they eventually return. Or maybe they don't meet anyone and delete their accounts? Who knows?

One such girl was an attractive blonde woman with a great figure. We never matched, of course, but she frequently popped up and, if her pictures were anything to go by, she lived nearby. And then she stopped appearing. I hadn't seen her online for maybe a year, until a few weeks ago, when she appeared again.

No new pictures, but one important change to her profile: she now has a child. Was that the reason for the year or so's hiatus?

In itself, the story's not that interesting, more something I noticed and pondered and you all know, Dear Readers, that I've posted enough ponder here before. But the reason I was prompted into it was that I think I've just seen her at my local Tesco, doing some shopping. She was wearing a mask, but it seemed to be her, pushing a pram.

We made eye contact, but I don't think she recognised me. I was wearing a hat and mask, mind you.

Frustration.

"Let's do dinner tonight!" declared CC.

"OK, where?"

CC named a favourite restaurant of hers. It's always her first choice when she wants dinner or brunch. I'm not a fan, and every time she suggests it, I have to tell her I don't like it. This time was no exception.

"Sigh. OK, well, I'll think about it." CC was being dramatic again.

She offered another suggestion- a nearby gastropub. Might as well give it a go, right? But the instant CC frustration was there immediately. It's why I don't hang out with her as often as I could (or even should).

I named a time. An hour before CC was due, I jumped into the shower. I was drying off when the doorbell rang. Then it rang again. Then my phone went. It was CC. She was 25 minutes early. Sigh.

And while the conversation at dinner flowed reasonably well, I did have to reign her in when she was demanding that I do work to my house and demanding that I go to the gym with her. I've lost track of the amount of times we've had these conversations. I've given her my take on these subject many, many times and yet she still brings them up and expects the outcome to be different. I'm actually surprised I haven't lost my temper with her.

I was very firm with her tonight though.

Just pondering things.

After a near-sleepless night on Friday, I've slept soundly over the past two nights though I had a vague recollection of a dream involving KfW2 on Saturday night and last night's involved E3 and was quite explicit. It was weird due to not really ever thinking about E3 in that way.

Of course, there was the episode many years ago where she did come on to me after one of M's birthday parties. I was flattered - E3's a lovely, pretty girl - and had she made the move under other circumstances, then something might well have come of it. 

That's my issue with privacy coming into it. Well, that and the approach coming out of the blue when she'd been nowhere near me that evening. Would anything have happened had she approached me differently? I don't know. I probably would have at least met her for a drink/coffee/dinner.

Just more random thoughts.

A few days ago, Morena Baccarin posted a photo on Instagram which really provoked a reaction.

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned before how I get a vibe from her that reminds me of KfW2, so this should come as no surprise to regular readers. KfW2's rarely had her hair done as short as in this pic of Ms. Baccarin above, but when she has, it's really suited her, and I've told her as much.

I think she (KfW2) likes it short, but her husband remains unconvinced, I think.

Simply having a wonderful Christmas time?

I hate this time of year. I've never been a big fan of Christmas, or at least the lead up to Christmas and even things like my big day out with KfW2 or Christmas parties don't do enough to offset the other stuff - the pressure of buying the right present etc.

I've only one person left to get for this year - my sister - and I'm hoping that a well-timed call to my brother-in-law will, if not solve the issue, at least point me in the right direction. That means I can get everything wrapped before next week and I can enjoy the week before Christmas. Well... not enjoy per se, but not get stressed about it.

What I've always loved, though, is that period after Christmas, in the lead up to New Year's Eve. At least this year I know that I won't be going anywhere, so the frustration of trying to pin down S or GM, for example, for a night out.

But traditionally, I've caught up with friends who have come home or socialise with people I don't get to see as often as I should. That's not likely to happen this year either.

2021 should be a big year, for many reasons at a personal level, so there's at least something to look forward to.

Sigh.

Two of Ruuude's celebrity crushes have a birthday today.

Jennifer Connelly... looking better than ever.

and Madchen Amick. I had the hugest crush on her after Twin Peaks.

Happy birthday, ladies.

Status Update: Week Whatever

 As you may have guessed from the lack of update over the past few weeks, I've stopped doing weekly weigh-ins. There didn't seem to be any point when I was doing on exercise and not really managing my diet that effectively. Plus, you know, it's the holiday season and it's time to drink alcohol and snack.

I'll get back on it when 2021 rolls around and this god forsaken year fucks the fuck off.

Counting down.

"Come down to mine for drinks?" asked KfW2.

"I'd love to, but I'm keeping a low profile for Xmas, so I can go to my sis's" was my reply.

I wasn't lying. There are a couple of family things coming up, and with the ongoing pandemic and lockdowns, socialising isn't a great idea, even if the risk is low.

"We'll do something really soon, though!" I promised. I paused then sent a follow-up message.

"I've missed you. I can't remember the last time we just had a nice chat, never mind actually seen you."

I always second guess myself at this kind of admission. Is it appropriate? Is the timing right?

A message came back.

"I've missed you too".

Once I get Xmas Day out of the way, I'll consider some socialising. I was at my sister's for the first time in months a few days ago and it was really enjoyable having the company and a proper adult, face-to-face, chat.

I was also texting GM, and we agreed that the isolation is difficult and he suggested doing something after Christmas, from a socialising perspective, though maybe not until February.

Roll on 2021.

Just talkin'

I took a notion to message F last night. I think it was because I was reading through some of my old chat logs from years ago and randomly picked the month that led to her coming over for a visit and us spending the weekend in many, many bars getting drunk, taking the mickey out of K and me watching pretty much every man stare at F. It's not that F is drop dead gorgeous or a traditional head-turner the way I would classify QC2 back in the day, or KfW2. She does, however, have a massive rack. And she could put her legs behind her head. You can imagine that, having demonstrated that to me in a bar, it didn't take long for her to be approached by complete strangers. She returned from the bar, with drinks, giggling at the attempts to pull her. She cuddled up to me, just to tease the guys in the bar.

So, I messaged her on Facebook, just for a chat. I know she's not having a great year due to her FB posts, so I thought I'd check-in with her. I hate doing this kinda stuff publicly. Even if I see something on Facebook, I tend to chat to people via Messenger, but more often email or text messages... away from Facebook.

She seemed in OK form, and it didn't take too long for us to hit our stride again, conversationally. It was nice to chat to her again, even if it was only brief.

Sabotage.

In my last post, I mentioned meeting a girl, establishing that she's interested, then not sealing the deal with a date or phone number or whatever, only to get a second chance quite through luck. When I was in my 20s, that happened a LOT. And I never seemed to learn my lesson. CAB was a prime example - at the back of my mind, I knew she was interested, and we had the opportunity to hook up the first night we met, but I brushed it off 'til we shared a taxi home (with BW and her friend) and she kissed me as she got out. Then, the next night, chatting to BW and CAB's friend, I suggested I'd like to see her again and that kicked off me dating CAB.

I think I've also posted before about not being willing to believe that someone was interested in my at a non-platonic level, so would "test" that theory to the point where the other party would give up chasing, or the night would end before anything could happen.

I really did seem to sabotage my own dating prospects at times. I didn't even have to be in my twenties. I did the same thing with RB and it was only a chance meeting on the pavement as she was waiting for a taxi that "saved" that night.

Woke up this morning...

I woke this morning after a dreamless sleep (or at least dreams that I can't remember) but remembered a girl that I went on a couple of dates with. We met one night when I was out with FP and BW. BW got talking to a group of girls and then FP and I joined in. I'm struggling to even put a date on it. I think she might have been the first girl to pique my interest after FA2. Or was it pre-FA2? I think it was early in the year. February or March, maybe?

As the night goes on, it's clear that one of them is into me. 

And that feeling was reciprocated.

Things were going well until the end of the night when we suddenly went our separate ways. Well, her group of friends went to get a taxi, as did FP, BW and myself. She gave me a brief kiss on the way out the door, and that was it.

A few weeks later, I was at my local shopping centre, looking for a pair of scissors, I think. That's when I saw her, in a shop window. She mentioned working in the shop, but that had passed me by. I decided to see if I could get to talk to her, so I pottered around the shop trying to catch her eye, but she had disappeared. As it happened, I managed to find a pair of scissors, so I grabbed them and took them to the till.

I would ask you to guess who appeared behind the till, just as I arrived, but it would be a wasted question. There weren't too many other people in the shop, so we were able to chat. She still seemed keen, and I was still interested, so I asked her for a drink. She said "Yes" and scribbled her phone number on the back of my receipt and off I went.

We ended up going on some dates, but barring the physical attraction, there wasn't an awful lot to work with. There was an age difference too. She was working in the shop part-time while she went to university. I was older than her. We just weren't clicking at that level and we both recognised that.

I can't even remember her name, and though I can't remember exactly what she looked like, looking back, I think she kinda had this Cristin Milioti/Kate Mara/Anna Kendrick/Quiet Girl vibe going on.

Ah well.

Around this time of year, I'm usually in the middle of making arrangements for a big day out for me and KfW2. I can't remember the last time she came out for it though. It must be a good couple of years at least.

Also, I say for me and KfW2, but really I end up inviting The Crowd and other friends like CC or FP to join us. That's just kinda how it evolved.

I still remember the first one we had and KfW2 leaving a long, rambley, but sweet, voicemail in her taxi home that I didn't pick up 'til the next day.

That's part of the reason why I adore KfW2. I've had other female friends that I've been close to - AM and QC1 are probably the two prime examples, but apart from AM once admitting a bit of jealousy that I'd been spending time with QC1, I don't recall anyone ever showing that level of... affection? Is that the right word? Let's go with that.

Heck, I've had girlfriends who haven't shown that level of affection.

Still, with the pandemic ongoing and no real end in sight, there will be no big day out this year, for me, KfW2 or anyone else.

Stuff.

I either didn't learn my lesson from last week (see this post), or I forgot. I'll let you decide, dear reader. But I woke at 3am with crippling stomach issues after a large (though not excessive) KFC and two cans of beer later in the evening.

I finished reading my book while waiting for the drugs to kick in, which was after 5AM, so I didn't wake until after 10AM this morning.

I was also surprised by a visit from FC and Mrs FC last night, who arrived at my front door while FP was here. The FP visit was pre-arranged. So we awkwardly stood in the four corners of the room, chatting, and trying to maintain social distancing to the best of our ability.

It was nice to see them all. The only visitor I've had recently has been CC who has been incredibly hard work - just constant complaining... and when we do get into conversations, I fundamentally disagree with her opinions on things, which mainly stem from her being selfish.

Just pondering.

For some reason, I got to pondering reliability this morning. I don't know why it popped into my head, but it kinda went from AM to CH to MfW and then Near Miss.

Near Miss has nothing to do with reliability, but the train of thought had evolved at that point and included KfW2.

Mainly it was considering how some people can be unreliable in their private lives but then supposedly take on important management roles where the very things that were IMO lacking in their private lives become important professionally.

AM and KfW2 are (or were) rubbish at time-keeping. While it's no longer an issue with AM (due to lack of contact rather than a change in her behaviour), she was habitually late when we socialised together and it was always passed off as a joke. It's similar to KfW2 who, according to people who have known her longer than I have, used to be hours late. She even admitted to being hours late to a date who hadn't fucked off home. Though, to be honest, if I were on a date with KfW2, I'd hang around too.

While there has been the odd time where KfW2 has been late to something we've arranged, she has managed to be mostly on-time, even in comparison to her time-keeping with other friends.

My issues with CH's reliability are well documented on this blog and really I suspect they had little to do with time-keeping and planning and more to do with trying to deal with feelings she had (i.e. non-platonic towards me).

Eventually, MfW came into the picture. MfW is also now management, but rather than time-keeping, MfW's issue is a lack of empathy and selfishness. Having lived with the guy, I'd hate to have him as a boss.

It was only once MfW popped into my head that Near Miss popped into my head, for the reasons stated above: selfishness. The night I met Near Miss, once it became apparent that her friend was not interested in MfW, his attitude changed to the point where I believe he cock-blocked me. He became very cold and dismissive towards Near Miss and her friend to the point where they ordered a taxi and left abruptly when I was trying to get Near Miss to come back to my house.

Oh crumbs!

I managed to break my toaster at lunchtime simply by emptying the crumb tray. Now, I don't want to admit how bad it was, but let's just say that the toaster kinda came with the house, and this was the first timer it had been emptied since I moved in. Gross.

Ah well, let's see if there are any decent toasters in the various Black Friday sales, shall we?

Touching Point (revisited)

I went searching for this post earlier. For some reason I thought that I'd originally posted it at the start of the year, not a few weeks ago. 

The feeling hadn't really gone away, just faded into the background somewhat... but it has raised its head with a vengeance today. I woke up feeling touch-starved and that has carried into the early after noon with no sign of abating.

I don't know what brought it on - I slept well last night and can't remember any dreams, but I'd kill for a hug or someone who cuddle with on the sofa.

Random musings.

I'm re-watching Battlestar Galactica (the 2003 version) from the start and was reminded about how much I was taken by Tricia Helfer, as Number Six, back in the day.

What's not to like? I especially like the short, bleached hair combo, even now.

Yawn

I barely slept last night due to stomach problems, which are becoming more and more frequent. I'm unsure if it was the large KFC I had delivered (which was delicious), or the cans of Guinness I had whilst playing some online games with e-friends, or maybe both.

Regardless, I woke after a couple of hours and couldn't get back to sleep until it was nearly time to get up. I ended up dozing until after 10 AM.

The thing is, the stomach problems don't happen immediately. It's not an immediate reaction, it's something that only manifests itself in the middle of the night. I've always had stomach problems, but they were mainly heartburn-like - acid indigestion when eating too fast or having something that didn't agree with me (Pernod is a prime example), but it's only within the last few years  that it's started manifesting itself like this, and the frequency has been increasing.

Facts

 Today, I wore trousers (jeans) for the first time in about two months. Just pandemic, WFH things y'know?

Motivation

The number of posts over the past few months has been lower than the first part of the year. I think that the ongoing pandemic is now, obviously, taking its tool on me. A least from a blogging perspective. I'm still having the same random thoughts and weird dreams, but despite the free time, I've little actual motivation to sit and type out stuff.

Motivation for a lot of things has been draining away, to be honest, and I'm not the most motivated person in the world at the best of times.

I think it's the lockdown and Winter combo. Dark nights, cold days and a lack of face to face human interaction are not a good mix, even for someone who enjoys his own company like I do.

Sigh.

I can't remember the overall dream last night, but I can remember that both KfW2 and one of my high school crushes was in it, and travel was also involved, though actual destinations are unknown. It was definitely not the UK though.

Ultimately, I remember looking at a set of photos of my travels that had selfies of me and one of KfW2/the crush.

It's not surprising then that I woke this morning feeling more than a little lonely and having a strong desire to travel. Oh, and it was Monday as well. Sigh.

Bah!

I fancied a bit of a sweet treat, but I had nothing specific in the house - chocolate, biscuits or suchlike. I did remember seeing a recipe for a quick microwave mug brownie. That would hit the spot, even without some ice cream or whipped cream for it.

So, off I popped to the kitchen at Chez Ruuude. Five minutes later and I was tentatively lifting a hot mug of chocolatey brownies goodness out of the microwave.

Except it was horrid.

I had my suspicions - it did look a bit dry when I'd finished mixing the ingredients. And I did use almond milk (it didn't call out specifically dairy milk, but it's all I had).

Now I'm treat-less and sad. I could try and tweak the recipe to add a little bit more moisture, but I've lost the urge. I had really hoped it would be delicious straightaway.

Have a go yourself and let me know how you get on:

BBC Good Food (Delicious) Mug Brownie

Status Update: Week 29

Another quick update: same weight as last week. A bit of portion control was the extent of my dietary management for last week, but I did hit the booze pretty hard at the weekend.

Oh. 232.1 lbs if you want the actual number.

Random wafflings

 I'm on my second cup of coffee made with almond milk. I'm not sure that I like it.

Status Update: Week 28

Quick update: 232.1 lbs which I think is pretty much the same as last week.

On the diet front, I have made inroads into introducing a more protein-focussed diet, but that's gonna need tweaking as time goes on.

Plans

In a conversation with a friend today, he was celebrating the fact that, when lockdown is over, groups of up to four will be able to visit the pub again. He was gloating because he hasn't been in the pub since late summer.

I countered that with a date in mid-March. That was the last time I was in the pub and I explained that I was frustrated because my early Spring months had been looking great from a social perspective.

Between mid-March and the end of April there were tentative plans for a few nights out with FP, at least one night out with The Crowd, a night out with FBS, D, Friction Guy and my long-awaited night out with KfW2.

Actually, the dates hadn't even been discussed with KfW2 about that night out, but when she talked about it (and she had mentioned in a few times in the lead up to the lockdown), she was suggesting it would be sooner rather than later.

Sigh. I miss those guys.

Out of the blue.

I made a post last week about cute women doing physical stuff - sports, rambling, that kind of thing - and a desire to meet someone like that. Well, that turned into a dream last night where I went hill walking with my sister's really cute friend. At this stage, this was just a walk, chatting, getting to know each other. It was late autumn or early winter - cold, though no snow or anything.

However, when we came home, then things turned sexual. She asked for a massage due to walking for miles up and down massive hills and when I agreed to do so, she stripped to her underwear, displaying an amazing, toned body.

As the massage ended and started turning into foreplay, this was when I woke up.

I've always found the cute uni friend to be attractive, but we don't know each other, we've never spoken beyond saying "hi" to each other when she's visited my sister and we both lived with our parents. I've swiped right on her Tinder profile numerous times (she pops up once a month or so), though we've never matched (and my privacy obsession means I don't know what I'd do if we did match). And, to be honest, despite the toned physique, I'm getting a gf crush vibe off her, like I did with CB rather than anything lusty, so her appearance in that dream, in that way last night is somewhat confusing.

And frustrating.

Status Update: Week 27

Magic number: 232.1 lbs

While I didn't do any calorie counting, I was more aware of what I was eating last week. So it was with some relief that I found myself over 3lbs down on last week.

I have a massive Tesco shop coming in the morning, and I've targetted a higher protein intake and carb reduction (I love my carbs). I need to further investigate recipes for this, but what I have seen so far is encouraging in terms of something I would enjoy and easy to cook.

I'm also experimenting with plant-based milk and meat alternatives, but that's not related to weight loss.

Just more memories.

It was five years ago tonight (probably more like early tomorrow morning, if I am being pedantic) when Sports Girl said that she liked me. Now, we were both fairly toasted, having drank heavily at S's house, then continued that in the club, but it didn't strike me as being said as a platonic thing.

This was also the night that she was dressed as Wonder Woman and looked stunning in her home-made costume. I made an excuse to go powder my nose to gather my thoughts after her "confession". When I returned, SG was gone. GM asked what had been said. When I chatted to GM about it, and he asked if I reciprocated, I suggested I'd consider something physical.

And that was true. There were plenty of red flags to suggest that SG was not a good fit for me as a non-platonic partner. As a friend? For sure. As a FwB? Could be.*

Suffice to say, there are no Hallowe'en nights out this year.

*That is, until a conversation with SG months later where she seemed almost insulted that a guy she'd been on dates with wanted to sleep with her and invited her to his hotel room.

Status Update: Week 26?

 I've lost track of time. I have done my weigh-ins over the past few weeks, I've just forgotten to record them.

Week 24: 228.5 lbs

Week 25: 228.4 lbs

Week 26: 235.2 lbs

That's comfortably the heaviest I've ever been. My back and hip are giving me problems which are probably at least partly related to the extra weight that I'm carrying.

I don't feel that I've eaten enough crap to see a 7lb increase in weight in one week - the maths just doesn't really add up based on what I've eaten, and I have had a few of those weeks even when calorie counting (I can recall two separate 5lb increases). I think I need to get back into calorie counting and start again properly. 

If anyone knows any tasty low carb recipes, please get in touch! All advice etc. welcome.

Touching Point (con'td)

Any time Stalky Guy showed me the Instagram pics of the girl he e-stalked, there were always pics of her doing stuff, especially aquatic-related activities. I think part of me has wanted to meet someone like that, where we would be out and about a lot doing stuff. Probably not swimming around in the North Sea in winter though. Brrrrr... but just rambling, walking, getting out and about... that kind of thing.

A friend of KfW2's, who I'm friends with on Facebook, posted some pics of her rambling in the hills nearby, which reminded me of the above. My sister's cute university friend, who I often see on Tinder also posts pics of her doing some hill walking.

Plus, KfW2's visit earlier, has rammed home the loneliness angle too. So I'm in a single and lonely phase, having had precious little actual personal contact with non-family people apart from CC (which often does more harm than good) and KfW2 (too little, too infrequently recently and that's both our fault) in the past three months. Three fucking months.

It also reminded me of a conversation I had with USHW years ago. I was trying to describe the mood I was in, somewhat successfully. I think I suggested that I was really missing some physical affection and, at the time, was almost constantly thinking about meeting someone new, romantically. It didn't have to turn into anything, but some affection, physical contact... physical intimacy! That was it! I knew there was a phrase I used. So, there's a desire for that which has resurfaced which probably isn't a surprise because I've talked about being touch starved before.

But something that goes beyond hugging and close contact. Waking beside someone, cuddling on the sofa... that kind of contact is something that I've been craving since KfW2 left earlier (and not with KfW2... I'd like to meet someone new).

Touching Point.

KfW2 left a while ago. She'd popped in to pick up something that I'd promised her. Apart from CC, she's the first (meaningful and non-family) person I've seen in months. Since July probably. And the time was all too brief. She was only here for about 45 minutes, and I felt like I blabbed on and on the entire time, just from having someone different to talk to.

It's not that we've spoken much otherwise. In work, she's far too busy to have a chat (as am I these days), and outside of work I admit that I've been relying on her to get in touch, because I know she's busy and I don't want to make endless calls that aren't picked up.

And I didn't even get a hug as she's got a cold. Given what's happening, we probably shouldn't hug anyway, but a hug would be so good right now.

Eesh.

Another night, more weird dreams. I can't remember the coherent thread about it, but it involved owning multiple properties that my Mother disapproved of, failing exams and various friends popping in an out. And I woke this morning with a strong urge to go travelling, maybe even to see E again.

But it hasn't left me all day... I'd really love to go travelling, see the sun again, maybe do some snorkelling or learn to scuba dive.

Ummm.

Another night of broken sleep caused mainly by stomach problems. However, I did have a dream where KfW2 came to my house and we just sat and chatted and bonded... until she was suddenly topless, for reasons that either weren't obvious or I can't remember. It wasn't sexual though. She just sat in front of me, sipping her drink with no clothes on her top half and it wasn't even mentioned. Then I woke up.

What's all this, then?

Last night I had a dream that seemed to consist of pretty much everything except people I personally know. However, someone who did feature quite heavily was actress, January Jones. I believe she was in one of the X-Men reboot movies, and also in "The Last Man on Earth" which I thought was hilarious.

I woke up absolutely exhausted this morning, but I don't know if that's the weather, the dream last night or the fact I've barely lifted my head in work for the past week.

Additionally, Facebook reminded me that nine years ago, I met QC2 for one of our semi-regular catch-ups. I'd posted about it on Facebook to which QC2 actually commented (her social media use is about as frequent as Halley's Comet). Of course, that provoked a little nostalgia. I do miss our little catch-up evenings.

Om nom nom

I did some baking this weekend. Or not baking, maybe? I didn't actually put anything in the oven so it wasn't baked per se, but it was my favourite dessert: cheesecake. I make a cheesecake once or twice a year, mainly because I end up eating it on my own and get sick of it. I don't even have a real favourite, but what I've made recently: plain/vanilla, strawberry, orange and chocolate, ginger and lime and a few others.

Want to come round and help me eat it before I ruin tomorrow's weigh-in?

Music

 I don't get to discover as much new music as I would like. I do listen to music a lot - when I'm working, cooking, out and about, but it's all the same stuff.

Somewhat randomly, I ended up in a three way conversation last night in a chatroom where we were able to share/control our Spotify app with other people. If I started playing, for example, "Learning to Fly" by the Foo Fighters, then the other people would also be listening to that.

It was late when we called it a night - well after 2 AM - but we'd shared a lot of songs and I got introduced to a lot of new things. Two of the highlights from last night are below, from bands/people I've been aware of, but never listened to. I'll be finding more.

Just talking.

I think that FBS is the first person to actually call out that I might be a bit lonely or isolated due to the Covid-19 lockdown. Other people might have recognised it but not actually said anything. I'm pretty sure that FP has had that thought. I'd be surprised (and very disappointed) if my sister or KfW2 hadn't thought it. However, it is worth pointing out that my sister doesn't do social calls. That might sound a little ungrateful seeing as she spent quite some time here over the summer, but that was working on a project, and my sister loves a gardening project.

FP was on the phone earlier, suggesting we might visit a pub. My last official pub visit was mid-March just prior to lockdown, and there was a night out where we met up with S but I don't really count that.

But, as it is, during our semi-regular catch ups in the WhatsApp group, FBS did call it out, especially with another proper lockdown looking likely. And I was quite open and honest, to a point. I do feel isolated and lonely at times, and while I'm not a great people person, I do miss people. I miss some people a great deal, but I miss sitting in CB Bar having pints with FP and people watching. I'm gutted that KfW2 actually suggested that we have an adult night out (our first in three years) , a week before lockdown kicked in. There are conversations I would have had with my managers if I could look them in the eye, but don't want to do over IM or video calls.

I'm not expecting FBS to turn up on my doorstep, but her asking the question did mean a lot to me.

Money, money, money.

I think I need to sit down an analyse my spending over the past six months. I am in a fortunate position as my job is safe, but I'm not seeing a reflection in my savings that the current circumstances might suggest...

I know I've recently admitted to buying more household stuff than I have in the past, and I have spent quite a bit of money on my front and back gardens over the summer.

However, lockdown should have seen me saving probably about £200 per month as I stopped buying snacks, daily coffees and lunches. That's based on a daily £10 spend and roughly twenty working days per month. You could offset that with maybe a small increase in groceries expenditure. Let's say my grocery spending increased by £75. I should be saving £125.

Additionally, due to some other financial stuff that's gone on this year, I am better off each month by an amount that should be visible come month-end. However, it seems my spending has increased to "fill" that void, though I have nothing to show for it, hence the spending review.

I've activated a feature in my banking app that identifies what I spend my money on, so let's see where my weaknesses are.

Blast from the past.

For the first time in ages Sports Girl appeared in my Facebook news feed. I had blocked her years ago when she was dating GM because her own posts were just cloying couple-y posts. Like, constantly. When GM broke up with her, I re-enabled her posts, pretty much to keep an eye on her in case trouble brewed. However, despite her posts, she never appeared until she changed her profile picture a few days ago.

She still looks stunning, to be fair to her.

And possibly bustier. Or maybe it's just a good bra.

More semi-random pondering.

Facebook reminded me today that it's M and MM's 9th wedding anniversary. Which means it's roughly a week away from the anniversary one of my much-missed catch-ups with QC2, and her excitedly telling me that we had a mutual friend: MMBF.

I'd also tested the waters with both SBF and MMBF that day, seeing if there was anything there that might prompt a more serious attempt at nailing down a date, but I saw nothing to indicate that that was an option... at least with MMBF. SBF left for too early to have gotten her alone to investigate properly, but maybe that was a sign in itself?

It didn't go unnoticed by G that I had spent some time dancing with SBF and MMBF, both of whom were unknown to him, so when we met for drinks a few nights later, before he returned home, he was very inquisitive. He never questioned me also dancing a lot with E3, which got interesting a few months later at M's birthday. 

I also woke this morning with FA2 on my mind, specifically the "night" we became an item. Night is in quotes because we always disagreed on when we actually became an item. We had circled around each other for months, and we'd slept together a couple of times but I'd kept her at arm's length partly because she was a friend of a friend (BW), partly because she was recently separated and partly because I was unsure what I wanted.

It took AM to chat to me and make me realise that this was more than something physical, and that FA2 wanted more than something physical too. However, she had grown tired of waiting for me to make a move/make up my mind and had been on a few dates with a friend of FP's.

"You have to tell her" advised AM.

I called her one Friday night, just after she had returned from a date with FP's friend and invited her out for a drink. We needed to chat, I offered.  Strangely, she agreed.

The next night, we met in a bar and before I had a chance to speak, she said:

"I can't date FP's friend any more!"

We talked through it. She wasn't 100% comfortable with him. Not that she felt unsafe or anything, but more that he was a bit of a wheeler dealer and that didn't sit well with her though to the best of my knowledge, he wasn't into anything illegal. She was going to break it off with him, she decided.

I offered to take her out for a drink once she had. She decided she would do it on the Thursday night, so I offered drinks and maybe dinner the next night. I think even at that point, we both knew that we'd end up in bed together and that this wasn't a friend offering support but an actual date, even if it was unsaid.

FA2 did break up with FP's friend on the Thursday and called round afterwards. She was devastated. I don't think it was the first time she'd dumped someone and this was only after about four dates, but it hit her hard.

Just over twenty four hours later though, we were back at FA2's after dinner and drinks, and she was leading me up the stairs to her room. We had sex that night and first thing in the morning. That's when FA2 declared us to be an item and I agreed, and we had more sex to "celebrate" that decision/realisation between us.

And weirdly, for seemingly no reason, that's what was on my mind this morning when I woke up.

Status Update: Week 23 (plus digest)

 I did weigh myself yesterday, but as I had slept in and needed to get online for work, I completely forgot about (b)logging the result. In fact, that reminds me, I've not actually recorded my weight in MyFitnessPal in probably over a month, if not longer.

The magic number this week is 228.4 lbs

Again, no real exercise to speak of, though I had cut out the takeaways.

CC called in last night to pick up some stuff I'd done for her as a favour. As if that wasn't enough, she also asked if she could store some things at my place while she moves house. I expected her to mention some boxes or small furniture pieces, but no. A massive sofa, a king-size bed and a double bed. Sorry CC, my house doesn't have that much spare room. Sigh.

MMBF popped up on Facebook today which prompted a trawl through her Facebook pics. She seems to have a great collection of figure-hugging dresses, which she wears really well. It's been ages since I've actually spoken to her in person, though.

Just pondering

Despite owning a house for the best part of five years and prior to that, living on my own* for far too long in a few different countries, I've never been great at just buying for the house. It was a habit I never got into. The six or seven years of living with people like Useless Flatmate, Heating Guy, MfW and the whole general distrust that went on wasn't conducive to just opening my wallet and buying things on semi-impulse to improve our lives. It has to be noted that they didn't, either. But then, they rarely lifted a finger in cleaning up and doing general house chores.

It's only actually with lockdown that I've found myself buying little things here and there just to improve life in the house rather than only buying things when I absolutely need them. I wouldn't say that I live a Spartan existence, but I'd say that it was basic.

It's all functional stuff. I still can't get my head around buying shit for purely decorative purposes.

*With housemates

Wait, what?

I have an Instagram account, purely for perving purposes. The email account linked to it is one of (many) secondary email accounts I own and the display name is completely made up. I tend to follow celebrities and gamers - Jessica Alba, Felicia Day, Alison Brie, Brie Larson and pretty much any interesting, attractive, female celebrity mentioned on this blog.

And until recently, all my suggestions were based off the people I already follow. Until about a week ago. Now the suggestions are GM, BR, FBS and... Heating Guy. Fucking Heating Guy. Where the fuck did Instagram pluck him from? We've never been linked on social media, so it's not like that link is there in my Facebook history or anything. 

Weird. And creepy.

Home is...

 CC is buying a new house. She's been toying with the idea for a while, mainly due to her neighbour being a twat. However, the lockdown, her mental health and a couple of other factors have made this a priority recently. Plus, she has started to insist on being close to her parents.

Now, it's not like she lives far away. Google Maps reckons you can get from her house to her parents in less than 8 minutes.

Somewhat irrationally, this has annoyed me. I think if she had her way, she'd live next door to her parents. She's missing out on a LOAD of great houses because of this one factor that's almost a deal breaker. It had to be within 5 minutes of her parents and she wouldn't hear otherwise.

I think Stalky Guy is the same. He's a 43 year old man who still lives at home with his parents (and there's a lot more that can be said about him to be honest if you want to get into a conversation about a man who has real issues). Each time he's teased about living at home and he does look at the local property web sites, he only browses houses within a few streets of his own parents.

Status Update: Week 22

 Magic Number: 229.0

Despite the takeaways, snacking, lack of exercise and all the other stuff I mentioned in the last post on this subject, I dropped 1 lb.

229 is still far too high, but I have zero motivation to do anything at the moment.

Dreams

I had a dream last night that featured QC2 and KfW2 as the same person. The person in question had suddenly decided to emigrate to somewhere far away - Australia or New Zealand. And my whole dream was based around their decision, their preparation to move and my emotional turmoil from that.

While the person in question was mainly KfW2, she would occasionally be QC2 for reasons I don't really understand.

This carried over into my awakening and has been troubling me since, strangely. I have had other recent (with the past few weeks) dreams where people have emigrated, but none that has impacted me when I've woken up.

Status Update: Week 21

I did weigh myself on Monday but I didn't get a chance to sit down and blog about it. 

Magic number: 230.1 lbs

The past few weeks have been a write-off in even thinking about calorie counting or portion management or even exercise.

I'm not particularly happy, I'm a little stressed with the new work stuff going on and with the ongoing lockdown measures put in place. Socially speaking, I can't remember the last time I saw someone who wasn't family. Nerdy Girl, I think. I'm also bored, which doesn't help, either.

I really should make more effort at this, but I'm mentally exhausted and I feel that the longer I'm isolated, the more I'm withdrawing. I don't think I left the house at all last week. That's clearly not healthy in any way.

Dream a little dream... or two.

 It was a night of broken, poor quality sleep. I'm shattered today. However, I do remember two distinct dreams.

In the first, I was part of The Avengers. I wasn't a superhero, just an ordinary joe but an integral, close part of the team and helping out. So, too, was Quiet Girl. And we went on adventures with Iron Man, Thor, Captain America etc. for what seemed to be weeks on end, kicking bad guy ass and generally being heroes until suddenly it was all over. Someone called "CUT!" and it was no longer "real". It was a film and The Avengers were mere actors, though neither QG nor I were actors and were thoroughly confused.

The second was much more sexual and featured, of all people, QC3. Twenty years ago, I wanted to sleep with QC3 a LOT. She was flaky and never really girlfriend material but oozed sexiness (IMO). In this dream, I was elsewhere in the UK where QC3 is currently living and we did the same dance that we did twenty years ago (I can't remember if I blogged about this before, but we really should have slept together), though this time we did end up having sex. Well,. I presume we did. I woke up as she led me towards her bedroom, but that's kinda where the dream was going, I think.

Pondering

 There's a real autumn feel about today. It's bright and sunny, though it's cool rather than warm and even at this stage, the shadows are noticeably longer than they have been. It'll be winter soon, dark mornings, dark evenings. With the pandemic and the lockdown and social distancing, it'll be even more difficult to leave the house.

I haven't seen anyone in weeks. I think the walk with Nerdy Girl was the last time I actually saw someone who wasn't immediate family (shop workers don't count). Even KfW2 has been conspicuous with her absence. She had visited a few times back in June, but the last I saw of her was mid-July. We have spoken in work and via phone calls, but it's been less frequent recently.

Suffice to say, while I'm not a sun worshipper, I much prefer summer to winter.

Here we go again.

 There's not much to say apart from the fact that I'm binging Community again. I think I must do this at least once a year. So let the Alison Brie love-fest BEGIN!

Status Update: Week 20

 Oh dear.

Magic n umber: 231.4 lbs

That's now the heaviest I've ever been.

Knowing me, knowing you.

What's your public internet presence like?

If I type my name into Google or another search engine, there are only two results that apply to me - my Facebook account and my LinkedIn account. Images search return no images of me. I do make a point of having a minimal online presence under my real name, though.

There do seem to be a lot of people who share my name (and while I would say my name was out of the ordinary, I also wouldn't describe it as being unusual).

Recruitment Bird's name brings back loads relating to her, but understandable given her career (and it is mostly career-related). KfW2 returns nothing, though her name is quite common. FP returns a lot of results, though none of them seem to relate to him, which is kinda weird given that he is quite high profile. There are a couple of images. CAB returns some results, though they're all professional.

This train of thought was provoked by finding a cute girl on Tinder with what I thought was a distinctive surname. A quick Google search returns a news story about an air-rage incident. Oh dear.

Luckily, there's nothing like that for someone to find, should they do a search on me.

Dreams.

Another dream - this time featuring my Dad, FA2, un-named co-workers and a trip to America. Ultimately, this ended when I realised that we had missed our flight home.

I've not thought about FA2 in ages, and in this dream, we were interacting normally... closely actually... as proper friends rather than exes.

Ooh!

 Just realised that my last post was posted on 9:09 on 09/09.

Hah!

Brought a smile to my face if nothing else.

“That’s my secret, Captain. I’m always angry.”

 The post title is a quote from Bruce Banner in The Avengers.

Every now and again, it pops into my head, not because it's an overly memorable line (I think), but because I'm reminded of the paraphrased version that I once said, some years ago, to KfW2 when I was in a particularly melancholy mood, driven by loneliness.

She had asked how I was doing.

"Not so good. Feeling a bit low."

KfW2 queried that.

"Lonely, mainly. Couple of other things, but mainly lonely"

She asked if anything had brought it on this time.

"This time? I'm lonely nearly all the time. It's just that some days are better than others."

It was talked through, but it was never mentioned again. We have spoken about loneliness, but never that particular comment.

So, yeah, a bit of a funk at the moment. The lockdown (which I'm still following to a certain extent) and the pandemic are really reinforcing the whole loneliness thing.

Status Update: Week 19

 Did the weigh-in according to schedule, but I didn't get the time to log on and record it: 230.6 lbs

Back slapping.

Somewhat last minute, but I met up with Nerdy Girl today and we did another walk and chat. Two hours and eight miles later and my feet are killing me.

Eight miles!

Roughly speaking - 125 calories per mile is about 1000 calories burned.

I also feel rough - stiff, sore feet though there is a little of that post-exercise glow. Not as much as you'd get from a more energetic workout.

But EIGHT MILES!

Am a little proud of myself. I need to be doing something like that more regularly though.

Status Update: Week 18

Magic Number: 228.9 lbs

I was off yesterday, so completely forgot to weigh-in

!!!!

I get a call today, from the person mentioned in this post. It's KfW2. This is the first time we've been in direct communication since her vague text messages of nearly two weeks ago.

I'm immediately on edge. Is she going to tell me what I've done for her to call me a dickwad? It can't be THAT serious, otherwise she'd have been in touch long before.

We're talking for about fifteen minutes, nothing out of the ordinary... the usual tone, bantering back and forth and then she mentions it.

Apparently she misheard someone's name in a work call and texted me immediately. She couldn't go into detail as she was still concentrating on the call, then forgot to call afterwards.

Fuck me. I've had a sweat on for two weeks, thinking I'd done or said something to upset or offend KfW2, and it turns out to be that.

Bloody hell. I need a drink.

Dream on, dreamer.

Another dream last night, this time involving an old crush/friend of mine from my school days. We, as a group of friends from school, meet up again after a few years of all doing our thing - work, university etc. for a weekend-style reunion of sorts.

I spend the entire weekend chasing my crush, only to be rejected at every turn. Meanwhile, FP and G, trying to lay some groundwork on my behalf are being told that my crush is trying to get with me, but I am turning her down.

Obviously, waking this morning and I was all sorts of confused about that. And just like the primary school girl I mentioned yesterday, this crush is someone I'd definitely love to get in contact with again.

Dream on.

Last night, I had a dream. There was nothing really remarkable about it, I was just doing normal me stuff in work. Except, I was showing around a new person. It was QC2. I introduced her to my colleagues, including KfW2 (who took all of two seconds to tell me that I still had a massive crush on her). And that was it really. Worth mentioning only for the appearance of QC2.

Train of thought.

I was out and about on my bike yesterday. As I cut down a side street, it suddenly dawned on me that I was cycling past a house where an old primary school friend of mine used to live. I think her parents still live there. She was arguably my first crush, though I can't remember if I posted about her before.

Of all my primary school friends, those that I've ever spoken to, all claimed one girl to be their first crush - a blonde girl from my class. Mine was an elfin-faced brunette, also from my class. I'm friends with them both on Facebook, though I've never admitted my crush.

There was a third girl, also from my class. Again, a pixie-like brunette. I've not seen nor heard from her since we left primary school, but when I think back, I picture someone like Cristin Milioti (the mother from "How I Met Your Mother")

She's one of only a small number of people from my past that I'd be interested in finding out about or even getting in touch with again.

Cabin Fever.

Over the past week or so, I've been feeling really lonely. I don't think there's any one factor involved, and to be honest, I'm always lonely, but it's usually a background thing, easily ignored.

But this pandemic is weighing on me. I've only really seen my family, FP and KFW2 since lockdown... and even then it's been ages since I last saw FP or KfW2.

I've been mostly housebound which, while it has allowed me to get a lot of work done in the garden, has led to cabin fever. And now that the work is 90% done, we don't have the weather to enjoy the garden.

The reminiscing this morning about CAB hasn't helped either, from a different perspective, but still adding to the overall issue.

Thinking back.

With the weather being utterly appalling outside, my plans for this week have pretty much been cancelled. My morning was spent sat on the sofa watching the original Bad Boys (1995) which was an enjoyable enough romp.

The talking point was that, in a good number of scenes, Tea Leoni reminded me of CAB. Obviously not a direct lookalike, and I'm finding it difficult to put into words exactly what it was that was provoking that. The shape of the mouth maybe?

It's certainly not the attire! CAB was very much a jeans and t-shirt girl and the suggestion of a thigh-high skirt would have caused a great deal of swearing... and possibly violence.

Status Update: Week 17

Magic Number: 228.1 lbs

Slightly down on last week, but I haven't really been calorie counting or exercising. Just a bit of portion management, and that's about it.

I'm off work this week, taking some leave, so my routine is out the window and I nearly forgot (again!) to do the weekly weigh-in.

Family matters.

G has been in touch and claimed that one of his sons has some kind of bug and, as such, he won't be able to make it out tonight. G's wife is visiting as well (there was a big family thing, which was the reason for the visit), so I can't understand why she can't look after the kids for a couple of hours while G catches up with some old school friends. Maybe that's just me though, as a single, childless man. But she wanted kids, but leaves everything to G. She's just not that maternal.

Still, that means a quiet night for me.

Dreams.

I've been out of whack all day due to a dream about KfW2. In it, she would rebuff any attempt I made to start a conversation. She removed me from all social media and instant messaging - both in work and outside. And that's pretty much it - I spent the entire dream trying to communicate, but getting shot down each time. It seemed pretty real, so when I woke this morning, it took me a few seconds to realise it was only a dream, but it's still knocked me a bit.

Wahey!

No phone call from G and no phone call from KfW2 (I'll explain this later). Fuck it, I'm on the vodka tonight.

Hello!

G's home for a few days. Usually, we'd meet up and have a few beers, normally at CB Bar. Obviously, with Covid, that's not necessarily an option, though  I'd love to do some socialising. And people watching! And if we do go out, we might even get FP out.

????

What do you do when someone sends a couple of WhatsApp messages, the first is simply a series of laughing emojis, then second simply says "OMG!"?

I ask for further details. The person who sent them logs off.

Twenty minutes later:

"LOLOLOL. Dickwad."

Me: "I've no idea what's going on"

Half an hour later...

"I'll phone you later"

And now I'm super paranoid. Is this personal? Something I've done in work? Something I've said to someone?

I'm pretty sure I'd remember doing something idiotic.

Then again, if it's female-related, then I've missed something obvious. CC wanting to jump my bones or something... though CC is not likely to be backward in coming forward.

I'm super paranoid.

I wonder.

I may have mentioned that a few years ago, one Hallowe'en night, Sports Girl got dressed up as Wonder Woman in a homemade costume. The costume itself was excellent - very well made and put together.

SG herself looked stunning in it (as she often did regardless) and I had suspected that there might be something there. She'd been particularly attentive that night, despite GM's presence. This was a good six months before SG and GM outed themselves as a couple. I do not believe that they were an item at this point... possibly FwB, but nothing more.

She even suggested at the end of the night that she "liked" me. I assumed she meant more than platonically, otherwise, she would have said she valued our friendship or something.

I was between places of my own at the time, living with family, otherwise, I might have pursued this particular avenue. She was not relationship material, but maybe something purely physical?

Regardless... it never happened, but I came across this picture on Reddit, which reminded me of SG's WW costume and provoked a trip down memory lane. Imagine this costume, only slightly better made.

Status Update: Week 16

Magic number: 228.6 lbs

A slight increase on last week. I'll be honest, calorie counting was intermittent last week. I've completely lost the habit, plus I've returned to making a lot of my own food rather than rely on ready meals from Tesco (which greatly helped my previous calorie counting).

Cooking from fresh has meant that I'm eating better, but it does mean that my portion management and calorie management is not as good as it is when I rely on a ready meal.

Eeeeek.

Years ago, a somewhat drunken E shared a secret with me. A family secret. Something that was bad and I can never repeat it. I still haven't. E and I never talked about it again, either. We never chatted at the time, then it was too late.

Life has moved on. E has kids and an ex-partner to worry about. She also lives thousands of miles away. Far enough to make the time different a huge factor in trying to arrange a chat. Even if we did find the time, long-distance conversations don't really go down the "intimate detail" route for me, so covering something like that in a video chat is nearly impossible.

Roll on to day. Off the back of a convo with FP a week or so ago, I dropped a quick message to BR, who I've not spoken to in some time, asking how he was getting on. And we ended up swapping messages all afternoon where it transpired that 2020 REALLY isn't BR's year. Family issues, work issues, health issues... he's got 'em all.

I always worry about whether or not I've said the right thing in conversations like this. I think I've blogged about my social awkwardness in the past. Anyhoo... the fact that we were conversing by text at least gave me some thinking time.

It was good to chat to him and I gave an open ended invite for him and his wife to come and stay at mine whenever.

Just stuff.

For the first time in a long time, I thought about CB... well, strictly speaking it was a dream that then prompted some thinking when I awoke. I don't remember a lot of it, just that it was set in an unidentified rural American town. She was wearing a white top and a sheer skirt, showing off her underwear and stockings. I don't know if she wasn't aware that her skirt was see-through or simply didn't care. And despite my best efforts, I simply couldn't get her attention. when  trying to pursue her romantically.

Packing it in.

For some reason, Monday's weigh-in had me remembering a time when I had contemplated joining a local gym and doing a 12-week body transformation programme. It was a fleeting thought, partly because of the cost (if I recall correctly, it was over £500 for the programme) and partly because, if the results were accurate, I'd have to deal with my own body issues, which aren't conducive to me losing a lot of weight and developing a six-pack. I'll not expand any further on that.

But I did look to see if that programme was still running, and it looks as if it does. It transpired that a few months after I had investigated the programme, Stalky Guy started on it, and I have to be honest, I could never have completed it. Going to the gym multiple times per day, really clean eating, and cutting out booze was at the core of the programme.

I can't tell you how his results were. He's a very weird man taking his personal privacy to the nth degree, though I could tell he'd bulked up and was filling out a t-shirt much better than he had before taking on the challenge. I believe he did show off his hard work to KfW2 who I think was suitably impressed. She is an ex-gym bunny though.

Here's a before and after picture of someone who went through the same programme that I investigated and Stalky Guy actually completed. I thought I'd grab a picture of an attractive woman rather than a bloke. It's my blog, I can do what I want. If I recall correctly, the girl pictured is the same one that gained Stalky Guy his name (I can't remember if I ever explained why I call him that, though my gut says I did).

Oh la la!

Years ago, I was watching an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" and the guest that week was JoAnna Garcia, a girl-next-door type that everyone wanted to date. I thought she was stunningly pretty and bore a resemblance to someone that I couldn't put my finger on... until this morning.

She'd popped up on IMDB last night as it was her birthday yesterday. But she reminds me of SSCW, or rather, an amalgamation of SSCW and her sisters.

Dinner date.

CC called round earlier.  She actually phoned ahead, then invited herself to mine for dinner. She wanted takeout, but I was in the middle of cooking my dinner when she called, but I said she could come down anyway.

It took about ten minutes before she started annoying me. The first ten minutes was fine - showing me houses that she was looking at etc. Then it all started getting moany. I was watching the news. It was too negative for CC. She had some sort of comment to make about everything.

I think she was implying that I should turn the channel over to watch something. That's CC for you.

She's not shy about deciding that she doesn't want to hear anything. There have been plenty of times that she's chatted to me about my work frustrations, only to halt the conversion after a few minutes because she's bored or it's too negative.

After about an hour or so, she left and, is more often the case than not these days, I was glad to see her go. She can be hard work.

Status Update: Week 15

No change since last week: 228.6 lbs, and that's with a night on the beer at my sis's house.

I still need to up my exercise levels again, though specifically the yoga rather than anything else, which is just as well given that I am currently without any kind of shoes to go out exercising in.

Just random guff

I should go for a walk, given the magnificent weather we're having. Stick on some tunes, get the sunglasses on and just go. However, I've literally just glued the sole of one of my training shoes back to the shoe itself.

Buying new training shoes has been on my "to do" list for a while. My running shoes went to the great... ummm... wherever running shoes goes when they died a few months ago. I don't really have anything comfortable enough to go out and walk two or three miles in.

So, that's two pairs of shoes I need to get. It's not bad - both pairs of shoes are (or were) over 8 years old, and they got worn quite a lot. It's just a shame I have to replace both at once.

These look nice:

I just need to get myself to the training shoe shop.

Just chillin'

The work in my back garden is on hold while I await the lawn to mature. It's probably not going to be ready to walk on until the end of them month, though it's progressing nicely.

However, that's made today frustrating. Like the rest of the UK, we're experiencing an amazingly hot, sunny day. I've nothing else to do, and if my lawn was capable of it, I'd be lying out there, listening to music with my nose in a book.

I can't, but I did manage to find a corner where I could sit in a chair, soak up some sun and read. A quick trip to the local ice cream shop, and I'm able to make strawberry milkshakes too. Mmmmm. I shall look up recipes for boozy milkshakes later. they'd be fun if I had guests.

I'm tempted to give FP a call and see if we might hit a pub later, but part of me is still concerned about the lockdown

Oh dear.

CC called me earlier. She does this thing, as does Stalky Guy, when she just phones, on company hardware, during company time. No warning. No "are you free?" questions, just phones. Straight in, no kissing as Sports Girls used to say. I'm often tempted simply not to answer, as I am usually in the middle of something and don't want to stop. Today was such a day, but I decided to take the call.

CC wanted to go to dinner. She started talking as if I had already agreed to accompany her.

"You do know there's a lockdown on, right?"

"So why are they doing this 50% thing?"

"Well, to help the hospitality sector, but we're still in the middle of a pandemic, CC. And truth be told, I didn't feel hugely comfortable when we did brunch a few weeks ago."

"Oh. Well, I got stuff to do. I'll find someone else for dinner. Bye"

And like that, she was gone. The thing is, CC moved back in with her parents when lockdown started. Now she's gallivanting around, at the gym, going to restaurants etc. and then going back to her parent's house. There aren't a lot of cases when I live, but I think this is hugely risky and quite selfish of CC on her part. I don't think she's even given any thought to what she might be taking back into her parents house.

Status Update: Week 14

I almost forgot to do the weigh-in this morning. I've taken some time off work, so my normal weekday/Monday routine  went out the window.

This week, I'm down to 228.6 lbs

Though, I'm a little surprised. While there was calorie counting, and I was eating roughly 2000 calories per day last week, I wasn't anywhere near my previous goal of 1700. It's still a deficit of around 300 calories per day.

But when you consider that I was drinking (a lot) over the weekend and snacking too, I am surprised that there was weight loss, never mind almost 2 lbs.

Still onwards and upwards. Or downwards, as the case may be.

Planning.

This recent bout of activity in doing work to the garden has provided some motivation in looking at some other work that I want to consider doing in the house. Or getting done, rather. I am useless at DIY.

I need to upgrade my lighting, probably to LED spotlights. I'd like a new kitchen (which in itself means LOTS of work - building, electrical, plumbing on top of the actual kitchen installation), and my heating system needs an upgrade.

There are other, smaller pieces that I can do - mainly decorating - but those three items above are the bigger pieces of work that I'd like to get done, if the price is right.

Oh deary me.

I was drunk last night. I went to my sister's to watch the football. I arrived at about 5PM and left around midnight and spent the entire time drinking. It's easily the drunkest I've been in a long time - certainly since the lockdown came into play back in March.

I certainly was not running on all cylinders today. Though I don't really suffer from hangovers, I do crave junk food and am very obviously "muggy", so I've spent the day sat in front of the telly watching James Bond films. And I had a Chinse for dinner.

Fly away

Another bit of a fascination today, this time travel-related. I've been mostly daydreaming about visiting San Francisco. Again, like my last travel daydream, it's doing it in style. First Class travel - flights hotels etc. plus a few weeks of sightseeing, chilling and enjoying myself.

I don't know why SF was the focus today, but I've spent most of the day thinking about it.

A boy can dream, right?

Dreams

Another weird dream last night, and this one's rapidly disappearing from my memory, so the bits I can remember are:

• Being coerced into arranged a date with a girl off Tinder by someone... possibly USHW or KfW2
• This girl actually existing. We matched once, a year or so ago, but she unmatched quickly afterwards. No matches since.
• When the date rolls round, I'm with a group of people house-hunting.
• Tinder Girl doesn't know who her date is and chats to everyone but me.
• USHW or KfW2 kick my ass and tell me to go chat to her.
• I do, and we leave the others behind to go on our date.
• In a nice bar, she admits that she used to be a man.
• The date goes well and we end up having sex in a hotel.
• I ask for her number to see her again.
• She gives me her number but says that she's not often in London, she lives in Oxfordshire.
• I tell her this may be an issue because I live elsewhere, too, but somewhere that would make further dates/a relationship difficult.

Somewhere around here, I wake up, confused.

Status Update: week 13

No point in waffling on. The magic number this week is 230.4 lbs. That's the heaviest I've ever been. Or at least the heaviest I've ever been recorded, which I guess is the same thing. Though, with a lot of booze and snacks taken last week due to a few birthday parties, it's not overly surprising given recent numbers.

Calorie counting has started again, too.

Mists of time

I've spent all day today thinking about QC2, for completely unknown reasons. There are no "anniversaries" around now between her and I to prompt anything. It also provoked a feeling of missing her. I had a trawl through the BN archives to see when we last spoke, and it was in August of 2014.

That's actually a few years later than I had thought, but a part of that is the fact I've not actually seen her since early 2013.

I'd love to get her for a drink or a coffee and have a chat.

No Surprises.

Unsurprisingly, it took S about 2 seconds to mention that his cronies were coming out last night. And that they'd already decided where we were going. I wasn't really in the mood for what they were talking about so I bowed out. FC and MRS FC went out, I think. GM stayed at home.

However, CC sent a text and suggested we did breakfast... or rather brunch by the time she rises in the morning. I agreed, and I'm sat here now just waiting for her to drag her arse out of bed.

Temptation

There's an outside chance that I could be out tonight, with S and possibly FC. S tried to arrange something last night, but I couldn't, due to work-related reasons and FC wasn't interested. GM has ruled himself out due to having no money.

I'm not sure I'm in the mood tonight. if it was just S and FC, then I could maybe be tempted out. But you can almost guarantee that S will invite his cronies along and one of them is a fun repellent.

However, if we go to the place opposite FC's house, I could maybe tempt FP into coming out. That's a thought.

But I got practically no sleep last night - my stomach was misbehaving again in a serious way, then I got a work-related phone call at 6 AM, so I'm pretty tired.

A shower and a shave might perk me up, but I'll wait and see if S gets in touch.

How long?

I can't remember if I've mentioned before, but there's a girl who keeps appearing on my Tinder feed every few weeks. She's tall, pretty, athletic and pretty much ticks all my physical boxes. Alas, there has never been a reciprocal right swipe.

Oh... did I mention that she's a friend of my sister's from her university days?

Still... every time she pops up, I keep swiping right.

Sometimes though, she has a habit of not using her own name, and given that she can look quite different (she uses different photos every few months), sometimes I've swiped right before I realise who it is.

The same thing happened today. A girl pops up, pretty with an amazing smile. I'm about to swipe right when... is that my sis's uni friend? Yes! Yes it is!

So, again I swipe right.

I mentioned my sis's university friend to USHW a while ago. Probably a good few years ago at this stage, which provoked a conversation about how long crushes can last. After all, I was attracted to her when we were in our late teens, and here I am, still attracted to her in my forties (though our paths haven't crossed between those times, so it's not like I was nursing this crush actively all that time).

Same with E3 and a few girls from school who are still, IMO, as attractive/more attractive now as they were back in the day.

Well, now it's just a waiting game to see if the Tinder girl swipes back.

Status Update: Week 12

No weigh-in last week. I had the day off work, so a lie-in threw my routine somewhat and by the time I remembered to post and stand on the scales, it was Monday evening. I decided that if I didn't do a weigh-in at breakfast time on Monday, I'd skip it until the next week.

Plus, there was the slight issue of pretty much spending the week boozing and at 200 calories per can (roughly) and a lot of cans, I wasn't expecting the news to be good.

The same applies to today's weigh-in. KfW2 showing up with cake (which I finished), S popping in for a few beers and, well, drinking on my own means I wasn't expecting anything positive from the numbers. Oh, and the ice cream and general lack of calorie counting.

I need to kick on with the exercise. My back issues are getting worse and mentally, I feel very muggy. That's an issue because I have a lot of learning and training to do over the next six weeks or so. Part of it is undoubtedly pandemic-related, but part of it is definitely due to lack of exercise etc.

Saying all that, the number this week is: 229.6 lbs. I was certainly expecting a lot worse!

Random witterings.

"She is the most approachable unapproachable woman I've ever seen"

That's a quote I saw on a YouTube video I watched earlier where Charlize Theron answers questions and eats chicken wings in various different hot sauces.

In fact, this one:

And it's a great interview - it seems a lot more candid and less defensive than celebrity interviews that I've seen.

But the quote itself reminds me of something that GM said when I introduced him to KfW2 and he was subsequently gushing in his praise (is praise the right word?) of her afterwards. I might have mentioned this before, but it echoed the quote above.

EDIT: The entire series is fun, go check it out: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLAzrgbu8gEMIIK3r4Se1dOZWSZzUSadfZ