Regrets?

A question was asked on Reddit a few days ago: "When did you regret leaving a SO?"

I replied that I didn't regret leaving someone, but there was a person where I had second-guessed the timing. The person I was thinking of was CAB. As I've no doubt explained before, we always had an expiry date. She was going to go away for university and I had no desire to have a long-distance relationship. At best, we had six months, though I pulled the plug around the three month milestone.

Had I thought it through, I probably should have just kept on dating her. She was good fun, we had some great private fun even if there was never any actual sex (not through a lack of trying on our part) and I could easily have spent the summer going to bars with her, because that's really all we did. 

A thought that only crossed my mind recently was that we didn't feel like a couple, she felt more like a FwB to me. Was that just our vibe or was her imminent departure for university at the back of my mind and putting a barrier up against any real relationship growth?

But a pleasant enough memory. And here's a picture of Anna Kendrick giving me some serious CAB vibes:

Doing the do.

I dreamed of K last night. I don't know what prompted it, but in the dream, we never drifted apart after sleeping together and instead formed a great FwB thing. We'd visit each other every few months and do what FwBs do, and it was all very chill and fun.

There didn't seem to be a point or a conclusion to the dream. I woke before anything like that happened, if it was even going to, but my sleep quality last night was awful.

Wet dreams.

I had a dream last night involving K, travelling to New Zealand and my neighbours from the back of the house that I've not met. The details are fuzzy, but I travelled to NZ for some espionage thing. I met my back neighbours, one of whom was an attractive woman in her early 30s (this is not the case IRL) and we hit it off over drinks by a random pool, only for K to arrive and ruin everything.

She did, though, talk me into taking her to my hotel room before things got physical in the shower.

I woke this morning somewhat frustrated (I've been low-key horny all week tbh) but also had that travel bug too.

The K thing is interesting as I can't remember the last time I thought of her, never mind sexually. Several aspects of the dream semi-mirrored real life - she deliberately hunted out women that I was chatting to online within my online hobby, including inviting herself to my home town when another friend was visiting. This was all done to ascertain if anything was going on with them. The online hobby did create its own set of dalliances, though that wasn't my thing.    

And she was a huge fan of shower sex. We never actually fucked in the shower, but she made plenty of references to it when I was trying to get her to consider a FwB thing.

Under.

Years ago, after we'd fucked, K started an MSN conversation and asked me about my underwear. This must have been soon after when we were still in regular conversation, though the timing is a bit vague. Our conversations had taken a very sexual turn post-sex. I admit that that was mostly down to me. I knew that K wanted a relationship but I was not willing to go that far and was offering FwB instead. By turning the topic of conversation to sex, I'd hoped to get K away from the idea of a relationship to something purely physical.

Anyway, I'm digressing. K was asking me about my underwear and my size. My preference was, and still is, trunks. I shared the information and asked why she was interested. After some prodding (she was very coy), it turns out that she was contemplating buying some and wanted the details from me.

If that was the case, I wondered out loud, had she considered boy shorts? I love boy shorts on women. I once told FA2 that if I were buying her lingerie I'd try and persuade her to choose boy shorts. I don't know why they're my favourites, but they are. K claimed she'd not heard of them and went off to do her own research. I told K that I thought she'd look good in them.

Eventually, the MSN window activated again. She'd done a quick look online and boy shorts weren't for her. I gave her the information she wanted - what I wore, what size I was etc. and that was that. We drifted apart afterwards because K wouldn't back down on the relationship stance and was very aggressive about it (and she was off befriending F because she thought something was going on between us).

K and I did meet again, months later at a meet-up for our online hobby, but we weren't in a position where I could ask her what she was wearing or ask to see her in it. But guess what I dreamed of last night?

Teasing.

I was restless last night. I woke up a few times, but was able to get back to sleep quickly. In between those times I woke up, I dreamt of FA2.

She was single. That was consistent across the dreams. In the first dream, we had sex, then I was her "+1" at a wedding, though we weren't together as a couple, more of a FwB kinda thing. The other two dreams I can remember were slightly different. She was still single, and I was her "+1" to social gatherings, but she was teasing sleeping with me, then when I tried to get her into bed, she would back off.

So when I woke this morning, there was obvious frustration, but also a sort of desire just to sit down and have a chat with FA2. I can't explain that one. 

Frustration.

Last night, I dreamt of Sports Girl. Specifically, the period between her admission that she "liked me" and my moving into my current place.

In real life, what happened was that I spent an awful lot of time chatting with USHW about whether I could get a FwB thing going with SG, plus trying to see if she was open to such a thing.

In my dream, what happened was that we kissed after her admission, then spent two months trying to get some privacy to seal the deal, as it were.

This was an issue in real life, too. I was living with family with no privacy (certainly not enough to bring a girl back for sex) and she had kids living with her. So, my goal was to try to see if she was interested, then make a move/suggest FwB once I'd moved into my own place.

The reality was that I simply couldn't get a handle on her. IIRC, she seemed interested when we were chatting, but as soon as I suggested something where we'd spend time alone, she'd immediately back off.

So I awoke this morning, completely frustrated, but it wasn't SG who was on my mind after the dream, but CAB. We had also shared privacy issues when dating and finding it impossible to seal the deal, which was a big factor in our breaking up.

Random semi-drunken thoughts

I was reading a thread on Reddit where someone was asking if it was OK to ask their FwB if they'd slept with other people.

That conversation is just a distraction to this post, because I was pondering more around the definitions of things like "fuck buddy" or "friends with benefits" and a lot of people on Reddit seemed to have a different definition than I did.

There are, IMO, four types of physical relationship (maybe five if you want to count a one-night stand):

• FB
• FwB
• Dating
• Relationship

For me, a fuck buddy is someone you meet only for sex with zero expectations beyond that.

Friends with Benefits takes that a step further. Sex is still the primary factor, though, as the phrase suggests, there may be other things at play here - seeing each other socially, a friendship etc.

Dating is, of course, someone you're going on dates with, but it has not evolved/matured into a relationship. It may or may not get to that stage.

And finally, a full-on relationship. No need to expand on this any further.

Obviously this is just semi-random, semi-drunken, bored on a Saturday night pondering.

Just more memories.

It was five years ago tonight (probably more like early tomorrow morning, if I am being pedantic) when Sports Girl said that she liked me. Now, we were both fairly toasted, having drank heavily at S's house, then continued that in the club, but it didn't strike me as being said as a platonic thing.

This was also the night that she was dressed as Wonder Woman and looked stunning in her home-made costume. I made an excuse to go powder my nose to gather my thoughts after her "confession". When I returned, SG was gone. GM asked what had been said. When I chatted to GM about it, and he asked if I reciprocated, I suggested I'd consider something physical.

And that was true. There were plenty of red flags to suggest that SG was not a good fit for me as a non-platonic partner. As a friend? For sure. As a FwB? Could be.*

Suffice to say, there are no Hallowe'en nights out this year.

*That is, until a conversation with SG months later where she seemed almost insulted that a guy she'd been on dates with wanted to sleep with her and invited her to his hotel room.

I wonder.

I may have mentioned that a few years ago, one Hallowe'en night, Sports Girl got dressed up as Wonder Woman in a homemade costume. The costume itself was excellent - very well made and put together.

SG herself looked stunning in it (as she often did regardless) and I had suspected that there might be something there. She'd been particularly attentive that night, despite GM's presence. This was a good six months before SG and GM outed themselves as a couple. I do not believe that they were an item at this point... possibly FwB, but nothing more.

She even suggested at the end of the night that she "liked" me. I assumed she meant more than platonically, otherwise, she would have said she valued our friendship or something.

I was between places of my own at the time, living with family, otherwise, I might have pursued this particular avenue. She was not relationship material, but maybe something purely physical?

Regardless... it never happened, but I came across this picture on Reddit, which reminded me of SG's WW costume and provoked a trip down memory lane. Imagine this costume, only slightly better made.

Gin O'Clock

There's been a lot of talk about gin on my Facebook feed with KfW2 and others due to a picture I shared... an old picture from my last night out with KfW2 that I posted about a few days ago.

It reminded me of a night out that I had with FBS many years ago. We were due to have a big night out with BW, FBS and a few other people, all arranged last minute. Then BW called to say that he couldn't make it. And when I turned up to the bar, only FBS was there.

She explained that another of our mutual friends had cancelled on her.

I smelt a rat. Regardless, FBS and I had a decent evening and I introduced her to the delights of gin and tonic. We got drunk, danced a bit, watched the band and went back to hers, whereupon she showed me a photo album of her in her younger days and gave me a bit of an insight into her life.

I stayed over, but when I got home the next day, BW was instantly on the phone wondering what happened between us. I gave away little.

Unsurprisingly, BW admitted that he and the others had gone elsewhere and it had been a ploy to get me and FBS out alone. We'd already slept together at that point, so this wasn't anything new to us, though only a couple of people knew or suspected. This was the beginning of the end though, when I started to suspect that FBS was holding out for more than just FwB.

However, I don't think this had been FBS's idea, this was a mis-guided attempt by friends to get us together.

Boxes.

I was thinking the other day about a lot of things - friends, my sister and brother-in-law's opinion that I am weird/autistic, work and a few other topics.

Specifically, I was thinking about how I have a habit of boxing/categorising things and not letting them bleed into other things.

A good example are the people who have managed me in my various work places. I view them as my managers. That's their role in my life. They're not co-workers and they're not friends (regardless of how well we get along.) In my entire professional career, covering many workplaces, countries and industries, I've only ever regarded one manager to be a friend.

Friends is another thing. I don't regard CC to be a friend, for example. We're people who know each other, even though we often do dinner dates etc. KfW2's husband, too. He's KfW2's husband. We get along really well and stuff, but "friends" is not the category I first think to put him in.

Attraction as well. I've had the conversation with GM and GB about the types of attraction - girlfriend, FwB, pure lust etc. It's rare that I'll see someone as, say, a FwB, then change my mind. My initial reaction almost never changes.

There are exceptions to all these rules. KfW2 herself, for example. She's most definitely a friend. I've mentioned the one manager who was more than that.

But whatever triggered that line of thought a few days ago (I think it's the upcoming performance reviews) has led me to ponder this categorisation thing quite a bit over the past few days.

Just another random thought.

A random thought crossed my mind today of a night, in my past, where I turned down a night out with BW and FBS (amongst others) in order to go to D's house and drink and play a new video game that we'd bought. I can't remember who suggested that, with FBS it would have been guaranteed sex. D might have said something while we were gaming. BW may have said something the next day (though I think he might have tried it on with FBS himself at some stage). I'm pretty sure that it never crossed my mind on my own, though.

That wouldn't happen today, I tell you.

Oh dear.

So my kinda, sorta prediction about CC was eventually right. She's single again, having decided that this long term thing with her man wasn't working out. She's been single for about a week now,  but only confessed to me tonight.

"It might not be over," she admitted only a few minutes into our conversation.

"I will kick your ass if you get back with him" I told her. I wasn't being a dick though.

I explained further:

• Long distance wasn't working for her... or him. Restarting something long distance was just repeating the same mistake without anyone learning lessons or circumstances changing.
• Long distance relationships are tough to maintain, tougher to start.
• People don't tend to make big changes, quickly. Some people don't change at all, some require time to adjust.
• Maybe don't call it "over" per se, but if he's ever back in the country, permanently, and the spark is still there, maybe think about it then?

She seemed to take all this on board.

She asked about GM. She always had a soft spot for GM. He's single to the best of my knowledge, but his fuck buddy is definitely angling for more. She already has him stepping way out of the FwB zone with weekends away etc. GM knows this, but as he's getting laid when he wants, he's willing to let it flow until it ultimately explodes. Of course, I didn't tell CC this.

When we parted, I offered company, if she wanted it, or to chat. Despite being the one to call it off, I think she's pretty cut up about it.

Good times.

Sadly, the night out with E and ES wasn't the alcohol-fuelled party time that I had anticipated. I don't think it was an unreasonable assumption to make. The last time E, ES, myself and a few others went out, it was a horrifically drunken affair where everyone had a great time. That must be easily five or six years ago.

ES and I ended up outside, having a smoke, with ES telling me that she was "gagging for a fuck" and me telling her that there were plenty of men in the bar and that she could get laid that night if she wanted to. However, ES is not a one-night stand person. She might be a FwB/FB person... I did get that from our conversation, but not a one-and-done person.

Well, despite the lack of alcohol, ES and I ended up in a similar conversation - online dating. She hasn't dated in ages and neither have I. We discussed success rates (hers is better than mine, though not by much) and moved on to general dating.

I've contemplated trying to set ES and GM up on a blind date. While my head says they might not hit it off, my gut tells me differently.

ES is a combination, personality-wise, of SG and V. All spiritual and flighty wrapped up in an attractive woman. Would GM like that? He did date SG who is a flighty nutter wrapped up in an attractive package.

While last night's night out was late-notice and unexpected, I had already arranged to see E next week before she leaves, but another invite came as we made our way home for this Saturday night. That might actually give me a chance to introduce E to KfW2, if the plans don't change.

Talking

The conversation with GM continued. I've had terrible trouble finding a someone for a FwB arrangement - it's always ended in trouble because they've wanted more than I could give (FBS, K).

I suggested this to GM when he said that his female friend was happy enough using him for fun (his words). GM said that his experiences were similar to mine when it came to FwB, but he was happy enough letting his female friend call the shots.

That's not going to help, if it all goes wrong. I've done the same thing - I've let the other party know where I stand - and they've slept with me knowing that... but it still comes back to haunt me afterwards.

I'd love a proper FwB for a bit.

Let's talk about sex, baby.

After talking with GM as few days ago when we were at the cinema together (Avengers: Endgame, in case you're interested), he suggested getting The crowd out for some drinks. I was interested - we hadn't been out since GM's birthday a few months ago.

Long story, short: I put the suggestion out there and everyone agreed.

In the lead up to meeting up, S said that he was going to bring along his two mates. His "proper" mates. One's sound, but the other is extremely hard work - selfish, self-centred, opinionated (and usually wrong). GM also said that he was going to invite out a girl he'd met, years ago, on Plenty of Fish. I've mentioned her before in this post.

Suffice to say, it was a good night. I called it quits when the pub closed and the others looked to head to a club, but I'd spent the night chatting to GM about the brunette girl (I'll touch on that in a moment) and dancing away with Mrs FC for at least an hour or so.

GM was telling me about the brunette girl. She was looking for some kind of FWB/fuck buddy arrangement and had been quite open with GM about this (they've slept together only twice over a number of years), but GM remains unconvinced that there's not more in it. It reminded me of K - she threw herself at me, I caved in, we had sex and then the trouble started.

GM is not at that stage yet, or rather she's not. I think he's still smarting a little over the whole Sports Girl thing, plus he's a decent bloke, so he's trying to keep her at arm's length. He's fond of this girl as a friend and doesn't want to hurt her if/when she decides she wants more.

When I left, she was being pushy about staying over at his, but he was resisting. When I messaged him earlier, he admitted that he slept with her. I knew he'd crumble if I wasn't there for support - he has little resistance if it's offered on a plate. And she is really quite cute.

That time of year again.

So, I was out with my old work buddies last night. It's kind of a traditional thing that we get together every Christmas for a load of beers. Last night was no exception. Usually, it's just the guys, but last night FBS also showed up. FBS and I have a little bit of history. Over ten years ago, there were a few months where we did a bit of fooling around. I thought it was completely casual and never made any secret that I liked the fact it was casual, but eventually, FBS made it clear that she wanted something more. I couldn't do that. It was a lust thing for me and nothing more, though she is really nice, there was no romantic spark from my end. Physically, yeah - tall, curves, tattoos,  a variety of short, but funky hairstyles. That's it, though. Friends with benefits.

Being the private person that I am, I never mentioned anything about our dalliances to any of my co-workers, though some of them were quite friendly with FBS. Word did leak out though. I guess FBS mentioned something, though I was unaware and denied it all. That wasn't done intentionally to hurt FBS, it was just a privacy thing and I wanted to avoid office gossip. Anyway, my co-workers have since made a point of taking the piss about my privacy, especially where FBS is/was concerned.

I left that workplace probably about eight years ago but popped in to visit every now and again (and I was still in contact with a few people on a more regular basis) and was told on one visit that FBS was still very much into me. I never pursued anything there, though, then FA2 came along.

Anyway, after all that background, I did detect some signals that FBS was still interested in me. I've noticed them infrequently when we've been out. They weren't major, obvious signals, but signals nonetheless. Being more tactile than usual etc. Given the week I've had, I'd have taken the opportunity had it been offered. That was never going to happen though because FBS's boyfriend was also out with us.

It was a good night, though. They always are with that crowd of people. It's a shame that QC3 didn't show up, as she was also part of that crowd, and she was always very easy on the eye and one of the sexiest people I've ever met. I suppose having a family is really time-consuming at this time of year, not to mention the financial aspect, too.