Jobsworth

So, not only did work piss me off over the past few days but I had to deal with a jobsworth yesterday. And public transport let me down.

So, the story is that I called up some people on Thursday and asked for help to fill in a form. I can fill in forms, fine, but I have a specific form that needs done by next week and I simply don't have the information. The people I called have the information. And there are a lot of questions that need answered.

I explained everything, the girl on the phone said she'd book some time in the relevant person's calendar and all was good.

I took a half day off work, jumped on a bus, which was late, then a train. Then I got off the train because it was delayed indefinitely due to another broken down train on the tracks. I walked to the bus stop and got the bus instead. 

I was an hour late. I despise being late. I should have been 15 minutes early, if my first bus had been on time. 15 minutes late if the train had left on time.

But I knocked on the woman's door and introduced myself.

The first thing she said was...

"I don't fill in forms"

"I'm not asking you to fill in the form. I'm asking you for the information I need to fill in the form"

"I don't do that"

"How am I meant to fill in this form then?"

"I can escalate it if you want?"

"Yes please"

"I'll call you on Monday"

"Thank you"

Now that's the gist of the conversation, but imagine the beginning of the conversation going round in circles when she tells me she doesn't fill in forms and me explaining that this feels like an impossible task if she won't fill in the form nor will she give me the information I need to fill in the form, which needs to be completed, posted and delivered within 7 days.

I am fucking livid. Time and money wasted, and a jobsworth.

Another blast from the past.

I've spent the last few weeks trying to arrange a team building thing for work. It's not team building per the more obvious thought like trust falls and guff like that, but doing something, like ten pin bowling then dinner and, if time allows, drinks.

I did the same when I worked alongside Stalky Guy and KfW2. I might be an introvert. I might have social anxiety issues. But I am social.

Anyway, I've kept my distance in the new team (I say "new" but I've been here for years now), not wanting to step on anyone's toes in the existing social status.

This time, however, I stepped up because no-one else seemed to be making any efforts and it's been a slog. Getting agreement or suggestions from people is like pulling teeth. But I persevered and we were due to do something on Thursday.

And then it all got pulled out from under me, mainly because two bosses had a clash. Not something they HAD to attend, but something they wanted to attend. And because of that, the other five of us have our plans changed.

However, a side effect of our plans changing is that we've extended invitations to other people, people in teams who work alongside us. And the newsworthy reason of this whole post? The drunk-but-cute girl from this post is supposed to attend. I don't think I've ever spoken to her, so that'll be interesting.

Big Sigh.

After chasing up KfW2 yesterday, I'd heard nothing by the time I was leaving my medical appointment this evening, so I called her. She didn't pick up. After the appointment, I was walking around the city centre. It was a glorious day. The weather app said it was 20C. I don't know if it was that warm, but it was warm enough. 

If we were to go out tomorrow or Saturday, while the weather was good, that would be brilliant - some food then hit a beer garden somewhere.

But her silence is concerning. I'm convinced she's forgotten or double-booked and is afraid to say because of my reaction. I think it's the latter. She mentioned something about doing something with the kids if the weather was good. That's CH levels of mucking about. And I'm already disappointed. I don't like leaving things to the last minute, and she would still expect me to book a table.

It reminds me of that day in, I think, August 2022 where she'd gone quiet in the days leading up to the dinner, still wanted me to book a table, then got upset because she didn't like the time of the booking, even though it was literally the only table I could find. So then she decided on a place near her house and then CC invited herself along.

But I'm tired. And there's a feeling of, I don't know, a combination if disappointment, sadness and loneliness. Getting a friend out for dinner and drinks shouldn't be this much work, especially when she suggested the date.

*growls*

If there's one thing I hate, it's people's inability to communicate. The family stuff took another turn at the weekend, and stress levels have been high because the people we deal with should have shared information with us about three weeks ago, and didn't.

They also refuse to use email, citing GDPR, so it appears they don't know what GDPR is either.

My sister and I met with them yesterday and they have apologised profusely (and sincerely from what I can tell), which I have accepted on the understanding that they use this failing to update their processes. They claim that the process improvements are already being looked at, but only time will tell.

But I've spent the last few days really wanting to slap someone.

Ah FFS.

I spent all day feeling like I've beaten my head off a brick wall due to a group of people who think it's better to prove how clever they are than to simplify a task so that everyone can learn from it.

And I've been blunt to the point of rude in calling them out on it, too.

And now I'm tried, I want a drink (an alcoholic one) and I've lost all enthusiasm for this training course because I've got to work with these people for the next three days.

Bugger.

Sigh.

I phoned KfW2 today, just a few minutes ago actually. She answered the phone for once, only to tell me that she couldn't talk as she was out for lunch with CC. Sigh. I wouldn't say that I'm jealous but it is frustrating to hear that CC managed to get KfW2 out for lunch while I seemingly have to move mountains to just prise a date out of her that she won't even confirm. And I guess a little bit angry, too.

I guess if I am being positive, this means that if I do get KfW2 out for dinner soon, CC won't be tagging along. Ever since she invited herself along a few years ago, I'm always paranoid that KfW2 will extend an invite or CC will simply invite herself along.

KfW2 promised to keep her phone handy over the weekend, so I'll try and get her on Sunday while I'm out doing some chores.

Sigh.

I have heard nothing from KfW2, by the way.

Sad face.

The silence from KfW2 around this coming Saturday is deafening. I think I've made about 4 distinct, and obvious, requests to confirm her availability on a date that she suggested. I mean, what's fucking wrong with her?

• She called on her way to pick up her kids for our semi-regular quick chats.
• I asked her to dinner to celebrate her birthday, which was months ago.
• She suggested a date.
• I confirmed that it worked for me and asked her to check her diary at home, so I could book somewhere, because she's useless with dates.
• She subsequently went radio silent and refuse to address that request multiple times over a week and a bit.

It's the start of September and we've not seen each other, in person, at all this year. Given what happened with CH, I'm reluctant to push any harder. And, if I am being honest, I shouldn't have to. I'll be frank, her unreliability here is killing me given that we've been steadily drifting apart since Covid and she is still very dear to me.

If she's not in contact by this evening, then it's too late. It'll be interesting to see what she says if we don't go out.

Aaaargh!

I want to go on a little rant about people's refusal to use email. I'll admit that I am slightly biased because I hate talking on the phone, unless it's small talk. If there's information to be shared, then I want it in writing. Email, text message, WhatsApp... you name it.

As part of the ongoing family stuff, I've needed to reach out to someone. I've asked, in the past, that information is shared via email. The person in question has refused due to GDPR. But I'm pretty sure that GDPR doesn't come in to play here, and the information I'm asking for is not confidential.

So instead of firing off a quick email at 10 PM or over a weekend, I have to wait until Monday to Friday, office hours and then 90% of the time it'll go to voicemail anyway, and I'm waiting days for a call back.

This is absolutely inefficient and it's so frustrating to have to deal with these people. It's a waste of my time too, especially when I am at work and don't exactly have the flexibility to take time out to sit on the phone for 30 minutes only to go to voicemail.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Fucking hell. I've never been more embarrassed in my life. Work night out. Stalky Guy turns up, and we walk to the venue. We meet Quiet Girl. We meet other people from work. Stalky Guy takes three steps back from the group and talks at me. Not with me, at me.

"FFS. Get in here." I point at the circle of people.

He refuses.

I won't go into details, but this lasts three hours. I'm trying to talk to QG and the others. But SG pipes in with fucking insular nonsense that no one else will get and pertains only to us.

QG wants to talk to me but SG won't let up. It's like he won't engage with anyone but me. He hogs my attention.

I am really fucking angry at how immature and puerile SG is. I've never seen a person so socially clueless as he is.

On the plus side, QG and I did get a chance to talk and we had a great time. SG can fuck off, though.

Here we go again.

I've only been back at work for three full days after nearly two weeks off and I'm already as stressed now as I was before my time off.

It's a combination of factors - I know little about the system, which is at least recognised.

But I have three different people giving me work to do and telling me that it's the highest priority without actually speaking to each other. And that's not counting the random emails or IMs that I get from people asking for "quick favours".

I've had a task on my list for about four weeks. Document some stuff and do some knowledge sharing. Not that big a deal, and every time we have a meeting, I'm told that there are at least three other projects that are higher priority. So the documentation doesn't get written. But now the girl is complaining that the documentation isn't done despite her being the person telling me about all these other priorities.

I mean, for fuck sake. this isn't rocket science. Nor is it THAT important. We'll get around to it when we get around to it.

Sigh.

Semi-related to yesterday's post, I'm having further concerns about work. I've now finished for the week having done a long Monday and Tuesday because I was in the office (I try to come in early and leave late to avoid traffic, and attendance was mandatory) and had a 7 AM start this morning due to work. So by lunchtime, I'd done my hours for the week.

This has been a rough pattern for me for years. Usually, though, I would finish mid-afternoon rather than lunchtime. I would send an email letting everyone know I was logging off and that would be it. Until a few weeks ago when my manager mentioned it in a 1-2-1. Now, she didn't have a problem with it herself... but it was a co-worker who was trying to IM me, who hadn't read his emails.

I knew nothing about this. There was no email on the following Monday, no missed IM conversation... it all felt like my co-worker was pissed about something that I simply can't put my finger on.

"In future, ask your co-worker if anything needs doing before you leave," advised my manager.

This is over-management and unnecessary. I shouldn't (and won't) ask a co-worker if I can log off, having done my hours for the week. If this continues to be a problem, then I'll have to have a chat with my manager. I really hope it doesn't come to that, but I'm not particularly optimistic.

Runaround.

I told KfW2 during our phone call on Thursday that I would be in touch the next day to finalise our plans and see when she would be free. I already had a ballpark idea, but I needed to confirm and this phone call would cement everything.

In the interim, I'd already been in touch to explain two things: our preferred restaurant had zero availability, and other restaurants were running out of the time slot that would have suited us best. KfW2 was typically non-committal. She's not a decision maker when it comes to things like this. After browsing Google for an hour or so, I found a decent steak restaurant with availability at 8 PM, right at the end of our window, but doable.

As promised, I sent a message at lunchtime, asking for the final details. It was 3 PM by the time she replied. There was a change of plans. Previously she was having a drink or two, but keeping it civil. Now? Now she was driving. In itself, not a biggie, but seeing as our timetable had me factoring in an hour or so in a pub before eating, this was going to be more awkward if she was driving.

I explained this to her.

"8 PM? That's a bit late!"

I bit my tongue, but I was instantly angry at this point. This all stemmed from her inability to return a phone call, giving us limited options for dining.

"There was nothing else available at a better time. I can cancel if you want, but I've no idea where to go."

"We could drive to my local. Hubby can drive you back?"

"It's your birthday, it's entirely up to you."

"No, it's both." I assume she meant a joint birthday celebration seeing as we've not celebrated each other's birthday in two years. Did this mean that her long-promised plan to take me out for a fun event was no longer going to happen? And then the big bombshell.

"Did I tell you that CC wants to come?"

"No. You didn't." was my terse reply. And KfW2 went quiet. 

Was she trying to get through to her local restaurant? Or maybe they had no last-minute availability and she was afraid to call me and tell me we'd have to cancel? The CC thing was annoying. I've spoken with KfW2 before about CC inviting herself along to stuff. I was pissed with KfW2 for not saying "no" to CC.

CC phoned at 4:30 PM. 

"Yo, what's the score?"

"I don't know. I had something booked. KfW2's decided that it's too late, but I've no idea where to go. She's suggested her local and I think she's trying to book, but I've not heard from her since 3 PM"

CC launched into a list of places to go. My energy has been depleted. My anger was full-on.

"I'm really not in the mood to make any further decisions," I advised CC.

"I'm texting KfW2," said CC and then ended the call. Seconds later, KfW2 messaged.

"Local is booked. I'll pick you up."

No information. What time was the booking? What time was she picking me up? None of this was in the text message.

KfW2 eventually arrived at about 6:15. We made a little small talk, I showed her the progress I'd made in the back garden, and we hit the road. It's about half an hour to KfW2's house from mine.

We were only on the road a few minutes before KfW2 noticed.

"You're quiet," she observed.

"Yeah, I have a massive headache." This was true. It was probably a stress headache or something, but it had been brewing all afternoon since KfW2 threw a spanner in the works with her issues with times and CC.

"You didn't have to come out"

"When was the last time we had a night out, just the two of us?" I asked. The rest was left unsaid. Even with the changing plans and CC tagging along, I wasn't missing this.

"Yeah... I know."

I looked at her. I could see that she knew we'd not been out in a long time, but I don't think it's registered with her exactly how long it's been. Definitely four years, it's over five since the last time I can actually remember and longer than that if we're talking about a purely social night rather than doing something for our respective birthdays.

There was more hanging around at her house while she rushed in to drop off her work equipment. I chatted outside with her husband. It was after 7:15 when we arrived at the local restaurant. CC was already there, having been updated by KfW2. This was no surprise. KfW2 had admitted as such on the drive down.

And the rest of the night went as I expected. CC dominated the conversation. I was too tired to properly get involved, and anyway, they were talking about people I don't know. KfW2 would question me occasionally, knowing that there was a reason I was being quiet, even if she didn't know what that reason was. Being quiet is what I do when I'm not in my best mood, whatever mood that might be. CC was driving the one upside to her attendance was a lift home. It was just before 11 PM when we dropped KfW2 home. 

At this stage, I'm struggling to figure out why the original plans were changed. Had I met KfW2 coming out of her work, gone to a bar for a couple of hours, chatted, and then hit the restaurant at 8 PM, then she would have been home long before 11 PM. The only real grey area was the two hours between meeting KfW2 and the restaurant, as I mentioned above.

I had assumed that KfW2 might be in touch this morning, but there's been nothing so far.

I'm just mentally tired, emotionally I'm all over the place and I'm really unhappy. The unhappiness is not solely because of trying to deal with KfW2 this week, but it might be the straw that broke the camel's back. It's more general than that and there's probably work stuff going on in there, too. Plus, everything that went "wrong" was due to KfW2 taking her time replying - not getting our preferred restaurant, not getting any bookings in our time slot and CC inviting herself. None of this would have been an issue had KfW2 been more timely in her contact.

FFS

 Sometimes I don't know why I bother. I'll explain later.

Ring ring.

Last week, I told KfW2 that I'd call her at the weekend to make arrangements for this week. Tomorrow is our long-awaited night out. I didn't get the chance to call her, but I messaged her on Monday.

"Sorry I didn't call. When are you free? I'll call you."

"I finish work at 5. Call me then."

So I did. No answer. I called a few hours later. No answer. Her voicemail wasn't turned on.

On Tuesday, I called her again after 5 PM. No answer. I sent a text message.

"Going to have a shower. I'll call you after."

So I waited. No phone call.

On Wednesday... you guessed it. I called her. No answer, but this time her voicemail was turned on. I left a message. No reply.

I'm not going to lie. By this stage, I was starting to get angry and frustrated. I was also going back to feeling pessimistic about our friendship. That's been an issue recently. I don't know if it's a symptom of other mental health issues or if there are actual issues within our friendship. I was also starting to think that there was a specific reason she was avoiding contact - that she had double-booked and was afraid to say anything.

She eventually called this morning and we chatted for about 20 minutes. She was just out of her GP's office and on her way to somewhere else. We managed to pick a restaurant and arrange a rough time to meet and she was gone, having arrived wherever she was going (not into work).

This in itself was a little frustrating. I was called when it was convenient for her. Maybe convenient is not the right word, but four phone calls, a voicemail and a few text messages over three days to arrange the details for something we'd already arranged feels off to me. I kinda feel that getting a reply from her was a little more urgent than a snatched conversation when she was driving between appointments, four days later.

Of course, you can guess what's next, can't you? I can't get a fucking reservation at any of the restaurants I want for the times that I want...  because KfW2 can't return a fucking phone call within a decent amount of time.

"Oh, I'm busy with work" was her excuse this morning. "I haven't finished work until 7 PM each night this week."

This is the girl who got a new job for better work/life balance and only three weeks into her new job is working 10+ hour days.

Sigh.

This just feels like a lot more work than it should.

Sigh.

You can guess what's going to happen here, can't you?

I pinged KfW2 to start gauging our night out. The current, pencilled-in, date is June 11th. Now, you all know that this is a night out that I've been trying to arrange with KfW2 since January and there haved been numerous rain checks. In reality, it's been much longer, but I can't really count the two years of Covid lockdown, can I?

So, it was entirely unsurprising when KfW2 made herself unavailable even before I got a chance to talk about going out. She's made other arrangements and I really do think she's forgotten about our tentative plans. Sigh.

But, wait! There's more! Could I babysit this weekend? She's got a birthday thing to attend and she has no other babysitters she can count on. I love her kids and I have no other current plans. But part of me feels that I keep doing shit like this while she continues to forget about our tentative plans and it's been years since we last had a night out together.

That's put me into an immediate funk - I'm really disappointed. It's not either of the incidents, but rather the combo.

I mean, I'll probably end up doing it, but I can already hear USHW in my ear telling me I'm a sucker for a pretty face or suggesting that I let KfW2 get away with an awful lot (she's not wrong).

Weather talk.

I didn't get to see KfW2 yesterday. As predicted, the combination of horrendous weather and Black Friday sales meant that taxis were like gold dust. What would have been a ten minute journey by car is an eighty minute walk, all uphill. So by the time I realised I wasn't getting a cab, it was far too late to even consider walking.

I sent KfW2 a message yesterday evening, apologising for my absence. I don't know if she noticed or not at the time, but I still recall that other incident years ago, so I wanted her to know I tried and that she was in my thoughts.

KfW2 called earlier and we chatted for about half an hour. It was nice talking to her, even given the circumstances, and she suggested that she might call in if she gets some spare time this afternoon. It would be GREAT to see her.

During the call, she mentioned that CC had shown up. I had asked CC at the start of the week if she was going and she said the she knew nothing about it plus she couldn't make it anyway. I'm angry at CC for not getting in touch to ask if I wanted a lift (I'm literally seconds out of her way, so it's not a massive inconvenience), especially when I told CC that I wanted to be there for KfW2 yesterday.

The taxi situation also meant that I never made it out to see Quiet Girl and some other people. Nerdy Girl was out and about as well, so I could have called in to see her. But I didn't fancy hanging around in rain and gale force winds waiting for a taxi that might show up at the end of the night.

Talk.

I had a meeting today that I've been waiting to happen for over two months and it lasted about ten minutes before I panicked and backed out. I've been telling people for weeks, if not months, that this was likely. There have been recent, if more minor, examples in other meetings too.

And then I spent the rest of the afternoon angry and frustrated at myself, stressed and anxious (I've been feeling the latter two emotions almost constantly for the past few weeks) and kinda lonely and unheard.

It's something that I've been considering posting about over the past year or so with the plethora of mental health posts on social media and the corresponding lack of recognition in the real world. In trying to share my anxiety issues with others, I don't feel that people want to know or play down what I'm trying to tell them.

I tried to explain this to one of our HR reps a few days ago. His response to an admission that I've been stressed and anxious and barely sleeping for nearly three weeks due to upcoming meetings? Go for a walk prior to the meeting. 

USHW has often accused me of underselling myself when trying to talk to, for example, KfW2. However, this time, there could not have been any ambiguity. And it's something I've noticed around people in general. For all the talk on social media, people still don't recognise the symptoms when presented directly with them.

There may be fallout from today's incident, but right now, I'm just mentally exhausted. The anxiety and stress has diminished a fair bit as it was all focussed on today's lunchtime meeting, so there may be some proper sleep tonight for the first time in weeks.

Gah!

Something that has been hammered home to me over the past few years in work is communication. If in doubt, over-communicate, they say. "They" being several managers.

It's not a concept that I necessarily agree with. If everyone over-communicates, then it becomes more likely that something important gets missed in a deluge of unimportant emails and IMs.

Regardless... there's something happening in work that's been ongoing since the start of September. I kinda feel like I'm in limbo until it's resolved, and yet communication around it has been awful. I've had to chase up information on several occasions. the information has been contradictory, often incomplete and patchy.

If this had been me, my boss would have been giving me a good telling off, and rightly so.

The whole thing has me stressed out. I'm also angry and frustrated - it's the limbo thing. I feel like there are things I can't do until this is resolved.

No need to panic any more (until the next time).

So, in case you haven't figured it out, the thing that I was working towards for the past week was a job interview. Except it wasn't an interview. It'll be an aptitude test, said the hiring manager. We need to get a feel for how you think. Except it wasn't that, it was a code writing challenge. Write this code in this time frame, then explain to us what you did and why. That's not an aptitude test, this is a skill and knowledge test.  For a re-training job. In the name of fucking Christ. 

It's times like this that I hate our company. There's no need for that test. That doesn't tell anyone how I think.

It was real rabbit-in-the-headlights stuff from me. Halfway into the test, I'd made little progress. My mind was blank, my heart was racing and I couldn't think or remember how to do the simplest of tasks. I had nothing that I could present at the end. I did the only thing I possible could: I withdrew my application.

Immediately, I felt better. Well.. less stressed. I also felt embarrassed and disappointed. I thought the job was a good fit for me, and there are reasons why the timing was good for me too.

A friend, who was on the "interview" panel reached out a few hours later and asked what was up. I explained everything to him, including the fact I'd been prepping for one thing and it turned out to be something else. He let slip, then swore me to secrecy, that I wasn't the only person to withdraw my application. That's kinda reassuring, but ultimately, I've had mood swings all day since withdrawing: from happiness that I am no longer stressed to the disappointment and embarrassment that I mentioned earlier.

And I'm angry at the fact it all became a lot more complicated than it needed to. You just know as soon as you see someone's name that things will get complicated for no reason and that was true this time.

As someone else said to me: "I've always taken personal aptitude higher than tech knowledge - anyone can learn the tech but they can't stop being awful people". This is a view I wholeheartedly agree with.

Job hunting needs to continue, so I expect a stressful few months ahead.