Time flies

A digest email from LinkedIn reminded me that it's been six years since CH left for a new job. I've barely heard from her since then, but that's not massively surprising given how things were when she left and our last-minute reconciliation.

Would things have been any different had she left a year earlier when we were on much better terms and she was sending me gushing text messages expressing how awesome I was? Somehow I doubt it. I know she's still in regular contact with OK, GWTNA and MMF, often seeing them socially. I still think she didn't know how to handle a male/female friendship and that was causing her as much angst as her other feelings.

Funny how.

I was going to make a post about how, one time, a taxi driver was incredulous that E and I weren't an item. This would have happened a few weeks before she left the country. Then I realised two things: first of all, I'm pretty sure I've posted about this before, so I won't repeat myself. Secondly that it's not the first time someone has confused my relationship with someone else.

An ex-colleague (we never really worked together, but our company is social so I'm on 'head nodding' terms with hundreds of people) approached me in a bar one night and asked how long KfW2 and I had been married. KfW2 was at the bar at the time, hence his inquisitiveness.

Finally, a schoolfriend of mine asked G how long I'd been dating a girl I had a massive crush on (SJ). I've posted about this girl before - destined to leave and go travel and live elsewhere and was mature beyond her years. And I did have a massive crush on her, and we were friends and I probably was spending a noticeable amount of time hanging out with her, hoping to see something that would indicate the attraction was mutual. It wasn't, though. But at least I can understand this one. The two above are mysteries.

There was also the fact that CH's friends, and maybe even CH herself, thought I was trying it on with her when we first got introduced. They told me as much, one night, when we were out for a work thing. But that always confused me because, in the early days, there was nothing to be suspicious about, and when we did get to the ambiguous touching etc, it was a two way street (and mainly coming from CH, plus she started it). So I found it funny that OK, MFF and CH were admitting that they initially thought I was trying to get into CH's underwear, only to change their minds after seeing no evidence, when CH would regularly grab my ass surreptitiously or linger on a kiss just a fraction longer than you'd expect. 

Ah well.

I don't know why but CH popped into my head this afternoon. Specifically, a time a few years ago where I was dealing with a personal tragedy. What happened pretty much summed CH up in a nutshell. She texted to let me know she was thinking of me, which was nice.

"I'll call in to see you soon," she promised.

"Please do. It'd mean a lot to me if you did, actually."

It went quiet for a month, then out of the blue another text:

"Been thinking about you. I'm crazy busy, but let's do coffee at some point?"

Two weeks went by...

"Sorry, I was WFH. Can you do coffee tomorrow at 8AM?"

"I'm not about at that time. Lunchtimes or after work suit best."

And... nothing.

As I said, it pretty much summed CH up in a nutshell. Make promises, then back off, making further, watered down suggestions that were more and more on her terms until you just stop expecting anything. This was exactly why I'd been critical of her and I'd been proven right, despite her massive over-reaction. I'd always been right - USHW and KfW2 had known for ages that I was unimpressed with our "friendship" as it was very much all one-way.

It brought me down a little. It was a friendship that had a lot of promise and I still remember fondly some nights out - one with CH, KfW2 and S and one with OK and CH spring to mind.

Ah well.

Nice dreams.

I had a dream. My first in some time, actually, as I've been sleeping really well recently. In it, the pandemic had ended and we were all allowed out again, to socialise.

Unsurprisingly, FP and I were in CB Bar where were were joined unexpectedly by KfW2. We adjourned to a table, drank and had lots of fun. In the middle of the evening, who should approach us but MFF and OK. They were out, doing the same as us, catching up with friends.

"We're finishing dinner, we'll come over once we're done" said OK. MFF had a gleam in her eye.

A short while later, MFF and OK did indeed come over to join us, and who was with them? CB.

And so began the introduction that, in real life, I'd been desperate to get all those years ago. We started talking and she turned out to be everything I'd want in a partner: intelligent, funny, independent etc. In the dream, I spent a long time trying to figure out CB's relationship status, but she, OK and MFF were not giving anything away. 

I woke before any kind of resolution.

Frustrated. Disappointed.

Wistful thinking.

The recent picture of CH prompted a bit of nostalgia last night. It may or may not have been alcohol-fuelled. It was tinged with a great sense of disappointment though, of what might have been. After all, this was a woman who confided in me when she was pregnant, long before she gave everyone else the good news. This was a woman who sent some gushing messages (albeit drunk) about how fabulous I was as a friend, who turned to me for help and advice when she was looking for a new job and who claimed to be actively looking for someone for me to meet. She even told me that she was considering giving her then-unborn child my name if it was a boy. I believe she was eventually talked out of it by OK and MFF.

Ignoring the will-they-won't-they goings on, CH was someone I could have been close friends with and it saddens me to this day, even with the many, many times she disappointed me, that it ended the way it did.

Girly Nights Out

I bumped into MFF today. She asked if I was going to go to the Xmas Party. I'm not. It's not fun any more and the people I used to have fun with have moved on. MFF is going - she has a routine with OK and another girl (and previously CH as well) where they'll all get ready to go out at MFF's with a few drinks then arrive just as the meal is being served, and follow that up with a few hours of dancing.

And, quite frankly, I've no desire to socialise with Stalky Guy on my own. If I am being honest, the years of favouritism shown to him has bred resentment when there's only the two of us. That's why I don't do our monthly work thing if it's only the two of us any more.

KfW2 is going, though she might only stay for the meal and leave. My offer of a bed for the night has been refused. I had kinda hoped that she'd be out a while, take me up on my offer and we'd at least have a few drinks when she got back into the house. After all, she managed to stay up until well after 4 AM last year with CC when she stayed there. Still... if KfW2 is not staying at mine, that frees me up to try and get a few friends out for a beer or two.

Remember?

As Stalky Guy and I were leaving work this evening, who did I see outside, on the phone? CH. There's only one reason she would be outside - waiting on one of her friends, OK. She had a huge smile on her face and waved. I waved back.

Another guy was with us.

"Who was that?"

I gave CH's real name.

"Oh, is that who it was?"

Stalky Guy chipped in.

"She's nuts! I know a story about her"

Stalky Guy proceeded to explain to the other guy about a night out with work - one of our monthly work things - where she effectively got a friend of mine to show her his junk.

I can't remember the details - I guess it was something to do with whether or not he shaved... or something like that. So he called her bluff and proved her wrong. As it happens, that was also the night of this post, a night I still can't really understand bearing in mind she stopped talking to me after some criticism a few months later.

Doppelgangers?

I received a text message from KfW2. It had a picture in it.

"Is this GB and CH?" asked KfW2.

I looked at the pic. It was weird. The five girls kinda resembled CH, GB, OK, MFF and one other... but I couldn't say for sure that it was the women I knew or an uncanny set of doppelgangers. CH, especially, looks different in pictures (and usually for the worst).

An hour later, after logging on to Facebook, MFF had posted pictures of her big night out at the weekend, complete with photo that KfW2 had sent. It turns out that it was a picture of the women I knew. It didn't do any of them any justice at all.

I replied to KfW2 and told her that it was CH and GB. Presumably she already knew about the others.

A few hours later, KfW2 phoned. She wanted to talk about the photo, in particular how "rough" CH and GB looked.

"They look really gaunt" said KfW2.

"I don't think photos in general do CH justice, to be perfectly honest," I admitted.

She put it down to the exercise they both did. CH has always been a runner, but GB has had an epiphany and started running too, despite being vehemently against exercise for as long as I've known her.

"Take that as a warning," I advised. KfW2 had been talking about getting back into running again to lose some weight. She used to be almost fanatical about running and the gym prior to meeting me. Well, to be more accurate, prior to reconnecting with the bloke who is now her husband. And she used to be thin. Too thin, if you ask me.

But, she thinks she's putting on weight. If she is, it's not obvious to me. But I know I am, and I need to be less lethargic and get back into my yoga again. Physically, I should be good to go. My shoulder is pain free (though doesn't feel "right" but that's not a barrier). It's just shaking the tiredness when I get out of the office and return home to give me the energy and motivation to do an hour's worth of exercise of an evening.

Centric.

When CH and I fell out (or rather CH stopped talking to me), it was because I had criticised her. The first shot fired was her reliability. I say "shot", but really I don't think I was *that* blunt. 90% of the time, she'd agree to do something social then cry off with a day or so to go, often with the flimsiest of excuses.

When we did have a chat about it, it was also suggested that everything revolved around her or was done the way she wanted. Numerous times, for example, I tried to get her for a coffee to chat about something personal only for CH to turn up with MFF or OK in tow. On the flip side, social engagements that CH had a say in were rarely cancelled.

This was why I'd been critical. Having to constantly work around someone, regardless of the chemistry or trust, is not a friendship.

So, it was interesting to see what was going to happen when CH sneaked in to our Xmas party. After all, this was something she counter-suggested when I suggested buying her a birthday drink a few months ago.

Well, let's put it this way... I didn't hear from her. Neither did KfW2. Neither did GB. Three people that she was close to at one time and was supposedly looking forward to meeting.

I'd left the party early due to a funk, so I've no idea if she made any effort to hunt me out. The lack of text message asking my whereabouts would suggest not, though. As would KfW2 and GB's lack of contact.

As usual, it was all about CH.

Oh dear.

For the third time in a month, CH featured in a dream I had last night. This one is different to the previous two, in that it was very much child-friendly.

However, all it did was remind me that the core of a very good friendship was thrown away. The dream pretty much consisted of CH coming to my desk in work, asking after various mutual friends. I would point them out to CH and she would trot over and engage with them before disappearing back to wherever she came from. It happened with people like KfW2, MF and OK, to name a few.

Suffice to say, I woke this morning tired (sleep has been an issue over the past week or so) and a little sad.

My friendship with CH would always have been halted by her boundaries and priorities, and it would never have been anything like my friendship with KfW2 (though I maintain our affection for each other meant it could have) but it was still sad that it ended and that it ended in the manner it did.

A Christmas Digest (Part 1?)

Another digest of sorts, covering the entire week. It's been eventful.

It started off badly. Fresh off returning home from KfW2's house, I was in bad form all of Sunday. It was nothing but tiredness. Well... not really. Something resurfaced on Saturday night that hasn't shown its face for quite a few years - my non-platonic feelings towards KfW2. While that in itself is not an issue - they were put back in their box sharpish and I don't feel guilty about these feelings nor do they trouble me - the issue is, unsurprisingly, this put me into a funk.

But it was mostly tiredness.

On Monday, while I was having coffee with KfW2, D called. That's never a good sign - we usually email or text. Friction Guy's father had passed away and the funeral was on the Wednesday. In addition, D had a couple of tickets that he and Friction Guy were going to use on the Tuesday, would I mind going instead? It wasn't my cup of tea, but it might be interesting enough, so I agreed. In addition, and out of the blue, SG messaged me on Whatsapp. Some small talk for an hour before she went quiet again. Why bother? It's a little sad - we were close. We messaged a lot for about 6 months and got quite close. Our conversations were quite personal - opening up to each other. For it all to go quiet almost over night has been frustrating and disappointing.

As I was taking myself off to bed, I wasn't feeling 100%. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew something was wrong. An hour after I went to sleep, I woke. Every fibre in me ached. When I lay still, it hurt. When I moved, it hurt. I was also running a bit of a temperature. There was a feeling in the pit of my stomach that, again, while it wasn't queasiness, was definitely not right. I tossed and turned and lay still most of the night. I don't think I got a lot of sleep - the odd fifteen minute doze here and there, but nothing significant or refreshing.

Soon, it was time  to get up, to get ready to go into work. I'd already decided to work from home on the Tuesday, but wasn't going to let work know until after I'd had a shower. Maybe a long hot shower would wash away this, well, whatever it was. I wouldn't find out. As I let the shower run through, I felt the need to make an urgent detour into the toilet where the previous night's dinner made a surprising reappearance. Urgh.

So, working from home then. I was only twenty minutes into my first batch of emails when I knew that I'd have to take a half day. The lack of sleep and general not-wellness was proving to be too much, but that led to a dilemma. I had planned on taking a half day on the Wednesday for Friction Guy's dad's funeral and to get ready for the Xmas party. If I were going to take a half day to try and rid myself of this awful virus thing (Norovirus had been suggested, though it seemed too mild to be that bad boy), then I'd not be able to make the funeral. It wasn't really a decision I could make though - it had been made for me. I spent all of Tuesday afternoon in bed, but thankfully started feeling better around 8 PM.

I was nearly back to normal on Wednesday morning. I wasn't sure if it were simply lack of sleep or the virus, but I was hopefully on the mend. I had to be - that evening was our works Xmas party. Ultimately, while I usually enjoy these things, I was underwhelmed this year. I think it was mostly because I was coming off the back of the 24-hour virus and a lack of sleep that had been plaguing me, for various reasons, since the previous weekend. A couple of the highlights/more interesting points to note:

• CH was there! She doesn't work with us anymore but was there to pick up OK and MFF - her old coffee clan. That in itself says it all - while I would have to fight to get CH alone, she used to do coffee with these people twice a day (as well as car share twice daily). We chatted for about ten minutes but it felt a little forced, at least from my perspective. Remember, I'm still waiting for her to arrange a coffee from our last contact at the end of August.
• KfW2 was as stunning as ever.
• I had suggested to KfW2 that if she wanted to stay at mine, then my spare room had finally been decorated and furnished. She had been due to stay at CC's, but CC had cancelled for personal (and understandable) reasons. KfW2 refused a couple of times before admitting that she had issues with people talking and what they would think if she took me up on my offer.
• Some of the HR girls scrubbed up really well. KfW2 disagreed.
• A cute, albeit horrendously drunk girl tried to chat me up as I was leaving for my pre-booked taxi, so I couldn't follow through to see what happened. Stories emerged the next day from IG that the drunk girl had subsequently ended up kissing some other bloke.

I was meant to be at a friend's house on Friday, but WhatsApp was a hive of activity on Friday from SG, GM, S and FC. The upshot was that SG, GM and S all went out to the pub on Friday night. I didn't get involved in the arrangements because I had my friend's thing, but that got cancelled at the last minute and I simply couldn't face the crowds in town. Plus... I find it hard to give SG any time these days. It's the fact that she's effectively disappeared off the face of the planet since she got together with GM with only the odd snatched conversation in between.

I have had a couple of days off though, my sleep is almost back to normal and this week, at work, I've pretty much nothing on. By the end of tomorrow, I hope that my Xmas shopping will be done and I can get it wrapped and forget all about it.

LOL.

"Would you give her one?" asked CH.

I looked her straight in the eye.

"Under different circumstances, of course. She's a stunning looking woman. Just my type, too."

"Yeah, if I were that way inclined, I'd definitely give her one" she said, wistfully.

The subject of this particular conversation? KfW2. CH and her friend, OK, were quizzing me on my friendship with KfW2. In particular, OK seemed very interested in my invite to the wedding and the lengths (and expense) I was going to to attend, asking several questions about whether KfW2 and I were close etc.

It kinda trailed off after that, but that particular aspect of the conversation amused me. Partly because, even now, having known me for a while, I don't think CH expected me to admit to it.