Last post of the year.... definitely.

GM just text to tell me that he was staying down home. So, sending out an email on December 17th and following up with texts and phone calls to try and cut out all of this last minute rubbish has been a complete waste of time. A text, less than an hour or so before we should have been in the pub, and I had to force that out of him as well. This is most unlike GM though - he's usually very good at being in contact.

It shouldn't be a big thing but I am pretty gutted for two main reasons - the first is that I am throwing my lot in with S and his friends tonight, but the two options on the table are a rather snooty bar/club with clientele whose age is significantly lower than mine and a brand new bar, both of which are complete unknowns for big occasions such as New Year's Eve. The second is that I was hoping that by turning up to the same bar as last year I could guarantee a good night, but also I might actually put this CB thing to bed. Chances are, that's where she'll be tonight, if she's in the city - the plan being to actually talk to her (with GM on board, this would have been very likely) and regardless of the outcome, the whole MFF/GB thing could be forgotten about.

This has been the worst year on record for meeting women... even with KfW2 supposedly "pimping" me out to her friends (another admission just today of some done at the weekend), the only person I've seen who I was in any way attracted to was CB. I think the problem is that I haven't met anyone else, so CB remains as the "best" option I had this year, though I do still feel that I shouldn't feel as strongly about it after all this time... it is a year ago to the day since I saw her in the flesh.

I'm meant to be meeting KfW2 at the weekend for lunch and drinks. I told her a while back that once we had Xmas over and done with, I'd give the online dating a go again... so Saturday will be the start of it. Or, rather, I shall be setting the wheels in motion. I can't have another year in 2014 like this one.

Last post of the year... probably.

So, the upshot of it all - "it" being the anger and frustration at the lack of contact from people over the holiday period - is that I am sat here awaiting a phone call or text message from GM.

He was belatedly in touch earlier to apologise for not being in touch, said that he was still considering coming out tonight, but hasn't decided if he'll do it back home, where his parents live, or here in the city.

If he does come to the city, we have two options - meet up with S or do our own thing. I've already stated my preference for going to the same place as last year. While there might only be two of us, when we're together, we usually have a good time and can get talking to people with no problems.

Regardless of where we go (if GM stays at home, I still have the option of meeting S and his friends), we'd need to be in the pub by 2100 at the very latest, so that's about two and a half hours away and I'm hoping that I get my way.

Pretty much from here on in, I am getting less optimistic as every minute passes... I would have thought he'd have made a decision by now.

Bah!

In nailing down the final details in the night out with old school friends, one of them has pulled out. That's not a bad thing - the person who pulled out is the girl that I don't particularly like and feign friendship for the good of the group really (though there are some who do know that I am not her biggest fan).

What has happened is that ten minutes after this girl has said she's not coming is that E3 has also cried off. E3 and this other girl are really close friends and I honestly can't remember the last time I saw E3 out without her mate.

While I have no conclusive proof beyond knowing E3 and it is an assumption, it saddens me that people feel they cannot come out socially without certain parties also being in attendance.

While I've turned E3 down in the past when she came on to me, she's my friend and we always got along really well and I was looking forward to seeing her, doubly so when I found out her annoying friend wasn't coming along. Bearing in mind what happened a few weeks ago when I met them in the pub, there was a ego boosting element to it as well.

Feeling down.

Still nothing from either S or GM, though it has only been about 24 hours for GM, but we're only 48 hours away from when we should be settled in the pub. S is less of an issue - I wasn't expecting him to go along with my plans and he's in severe danger of getting left behind as he won't let go of his life. I don't think I phrased that well... he has his life that has a very definite routine and he refuses to break that routine. Cards with his mates on a Friday, out to the same club every week on a Saturday. Any request to do something different is always met with the same result - "I can't... I've got cards/clubbing/whatever with my mates".

It's been the cause of at least one breakup and I know that a few budding romances have ended abruptly because his friends remain his priority. I'm not suggesting he has to dump his friends, but he needs to realise that sometimes, breaking routine at the weekend is a good, positive thing.

It's the GM thing that's getting to me though. As I mentioned earlier, I only really ask for favours when it's important to me, so GB earlier in the year with CB/MFF, DSC at the end of June about a shopping trip and now GM for New Year's Eve are the main ones I can think of, and I've been let down each time. It's not even the fact he won't come out on NYE... it's the fact that an email and a text message have not had replies, specifically when I've said that going out was important to me. That's made me feel extremely lonely and let down at a time where I feel quite lonely anyway.

Certainly GB hasn't done anything that deserves my friendship this year and come 2014, I'll  not be involving her in any plans and DSC has also been jettisoned. I'm a very generous person with my time, but I won't stand for one-sided friendships where I'm doing all the work. It's not even anger here... just crushing disappointment.

The one person that's not let me down, when it comes to the important things, is KfW2. There's still a small chance that she might come out on New Year's Eve, but contact has been infrequent over the holiday period for some reason.

But the lack of contact from S and GM has reminded me about how lonely I'm feeling this year and while I do have a backup plan in that I can go to my sister's, I'd far rather spend the time out in public, with friends.

Hello!

In order to cheer myself up, I've been watching a lot of Community this afternoon that stars the absolutely delightful Alison Brie.

The countdown to NYE starts here...

The second night with FP was a bigger success than the first. We settled in one of my favourite bars - my planned venue for NYE - and just chatted. As happens sometimes, things just clicked and through a combination of good fortune at our table position and general mood, we ended up chatting away to quite a few people over the course of the night.

I've had nights like this before, but usually with GM. It's the kind of night that I wish would happen more often, but doesn't.

Off the back of a reminder from USHW, I messaged GM last night about New Year's Eve plans, but I haven't heard anything back. Given that he didn't reply to my original email, I can only assume this is a bad sign... and slightly disappointing as he's usually more reliable at being in contact and I would have thought that my admission that I needed a good NYE for personal reasons/having a shit year would have implied that it was important to me.

I think that's the most disappointing thing - I don't ask people for very much in my opinion, but when I do, it seems that I've been let down this year. So far this year, DSC and GB... and now potentially GM too.

More, more more!

The night with FP was so successful that we're talking about doing it again tonight. We did a mini crawl around some new bars in the city's trendier areas. As a side bonus, I bumped into FA1 and a couple of her friends. FP was appreciative of FA1, so I told him about my attempts to try and pull her before realising that I was well and truly just a friend (and that she had just started a new relationship with her now husband).

I was planning on going into the city to do some shopping, but the poor weather is putting me off, so I'll probably just lounge in front of the TV this afternoon. I definitely want to get out and do some clothes shopping though.

I'll probably get in touch with GM as well later today and see if he's even remotely interested in heading out on New Year's Eve. If so, I'll steer the plans toward my preferred option, but I'd be happy just to get him out.

Funktastic Xmas.

So, the official part of the holiday season has been and gone. I spent a few days at my sister's place, running around after nephews and nieces, eating, drinking and doing all the usual Christmas stuff and it was really rather enjoyable, if tiring.

However, I was slightly distracted for the three or four days that I was there. I can't pin it to anything specific bar a vague sense of loneliness, but I think it's probably a good bet that it was my funk and the upcoming New Year celebrations.

As I've posted about repeatedly here, Christmas is the time where I feel the singledom thing the most... given that I've been funked by it for most of the year, having a particularly bad holiday season isn't that surprising, especially when my attempts to mitigate it are so far proving to be less than successful.

To get back to the funk though, in my entire dating life, I've only ever been in a relationship over the holiday season with one person - FA2 - and even then, we weren't together during either of the two Christmases during our relationship as she chose to spend it with her family. To clarify, I'm not begrudging her going home for a day or so, but both years she was away for over a week. Not just home, which is about an hour's car journey... but Transatlantic to visit distant relatives. There was never any discussion about it either, just an announcement, but she knew I would have preferred her to stay over Xmas.

I've already told S what my NYE plans are and explained that I'm trying to talk GM into it as well. I'm still hoping that KfW2 will come out as well. Ideally, I'd love for her to confirm regardless, then anyone else who comes out is a bonus.

I'm out tonight with FP and I've another night out already lined up with M, E3, BR and a few others. I'm looking forward to it, but my focus is still on New Year's Eve rather than anything else.

Meh.

On top of this year's funk arriving later than usual, I also think it's worse than usual as well. Part of that is the lack of social options during the Xmas holidays, which has distracted me from other aspects, hence the funk arriving late. However, the relationship stuff is worse than ever this year. Part of that was off the back of a few comments that KfW2 made recently - nothing earth shattering or newsworthy - but really a sign that, as a friend, she knows and understands me.

That kicked off the desire to want to have someone close to me, who understands me. I do have KfW2 and USHW - they're friends who listen and understand me, but I want more. Whilst cleaning out my email account last night, I came across an email I sent to USHW at the start of the year, just after seeing CB in the pub, and that hasn't helped matters, reminding me about CB as well as dredge up the anger and frustration at GB's uselessness and being reminded of how positively and optimistically the year began.

For the first time since my nephews and nieces were born, I'm not really looking forward to Christmas and it's been a long while since I've been this deflated.

Here we go...

It's later than usual, but my Christmas funk has finally arrived. It's the lack of social options between Christmas and New Year that's the biggest influence this year, I think... that's on top of my now annual "I don't like being single at Christmas" funk.

I made a bit of an effort to see what S is doing on New Year's Eve when we were in the pub last night, but while his plans are not set in stone right now and I could try and talk him into doing what I want, it's his mate who's a problem - uncompromising, selfish, argumentative and generally just a pain in the arse. S's other friends are all fine - nice people - but this one chap has the ability to ruin a night all on his own.

I'm going to have to see what happens... and I'm still trying to get GM on board as well.

Quelle surprise (Part 2)

Still nothing from GM regarding my suggestions about New Year's Eve, which is concerning, as once the Xmas holidays roll around contact will be minimal. I shared with KfW2 my disappointment in GB and her laziness (for that's exactly what it is), though KfW2 surprised me by saying that her decision to stay in wasn't set in stone.

I said that if there were plans, I'd keep her in the loop and that she could always use my place as a base - somewhere to crash or phone a taxi from. I'd love for her to come out, and said as much to her, but I appreciate that it would be difficult for her to get home.

However, I still need to make arrangements. I'm seeing S tomorrow night for a few drinks, so I might run my plans past him to see if I get any joy, though some of his friends are monumental twats.

Goals!

Part of my goals for next year and longer term is to save money. So, to start off, I've set up some automated jiggery pokery with my bank accounts to shift some money around at convenient times. That should at least get it started. I can revisit it in a few months and see if I can't increase the amounts a little to speed up the process.

This is in addition to my pension and an ISA I've currently investing in (that I have earmarked for other purposes).

I should have actually done this about nine months ago when I got a hefty pay rise in work, but I was too busy enjoying myself at the time. Better late than never.

Phew

Another year down, a week to go and all of my Christmas shopping is done. Well, the presents are bought. Still have food and booze shopping to do, but that can wait til the weekend.

Quelle surprise

I shouldn't be surprised really.

I was chatting to JB today about various things - some future goals, Christmas plans etc. when we got onto the subject of New Year's Eve. I was telling JB that I didn't want any risk this year and outlined my preferences which were essentially the same plans as last year, though hopefully with more people and that I was planning on contacting GB and GM.

She was quite positive - it's not a bad night out, even on New Year's Eve, but there was a reason that I was planning on sending an email to GM and GB this early and that was that neither of them are particularly reliable.

So, after chatting to JB, I wrote the email this afternoon, explaining what I wanted to do this year and why I wanted to do it. I don't think I was unreasonable... in fact, given the circumstances, it's the sort of thing any good friend would get on board with.

It took 3 minutes for GB to reply. "I'm having a quiet one this year and going round to my friend's house" is what she said.

"That bar is too far away from my house and really, the entire evening will be too much trouble for me" is what she actually meant.

I've yet to hear from GM, so the night can still be rescued, but I think that's the final nail in the coffin of my friendship with GB.

It might not have been a surprise, but it's left me pretty deflated.

Surprise!

Yesterday saw a somewhat spontaneous, drunken afternoon out at the pub with KfW2. From the texts that were swapped, it looked like she would be on her own, but she turned up with her husband. It's not a huge disappointment - we get along well and I really like him, but I was hoping that I could start the ball rolling on the online dating thing.

We did have a brief chat about women - specifically, she had said that I don't talk a lot about women and she'd never heard me say anything about pulling people. I don't - often because there's nothing to say... but since I've known her, I guess there have been about half a dozen female-related "stories" - Near Miss, the 26 year old one night stand, the South African girl I had sitting on my lap within seconds, E3, CB and one or two others. She knows bits and pieces of some stories (CB, E3), but nothing at all of others.

I'd said to USHW a few days ago that the frustration from this year had, as she had predicted, gotten the better of me. I'm not expecting big things from it, but I guess a few months with an account on Match.com and PoF will either get me a few dates or it will be a monumental disaster. Either way, I'll be being pro-active and that's a start.

Online dating isn't the only thing to pursue, but it's the only thing I really want to do on my own (can do on my own). Other things, like singles nights or speed dating, would be more fun with someone else coming along - GM or S, for example.

Sigh. Yawn. Shiver.

I'm in a bit of a funk at the moment. Part of it is a comedown from the rather excellent works party last night (I even danced with a cute stranger and more shenanigans with CH), part of it is that I'm not feeling great - an illness rather than a hangover - and the final part is just my general funk that I get about this time of year. Plus I'm tired. I'm not sleeping well this week, but can't identify why.

I don't like the lead up to Xmas - it's too much stress and work for little reward in my opinion - and, of course, I have the being single at Xmas thing going on too.

As you may have guessed or read in previous posts, this hasn't been a good year for myself and one or two people close to me (for numerous reasons). I'm looking forward to sending the year on its way and welcoming in 2014, hopefully as fortunate and positive as 2013 started, albeit with better results. Until then, though, I am very tired, mentally. I kinda need something really positive to happen.

I meant to talk to GB about our New Year's Eve plans today, but she wasn't in the office. I don't want repeats of the past few years, so I'm hoping that my plan is readily accepted without having to force the issue or even tug at the heartstrings of GB and/or GM.

We'll see...

FFS.

As part of my dad's birthday celebrations, we were due to be heading to my parents' house later this afternoon. I was tasked with getting some beers in on top of having to buy a birthday present for him.

The beer task was taken care of earlier in the week and was sitting in the kitchen ready and waiting for me to leave the house... until I woke up this morning and found that not only has MfW actually opened the crate of beer, he's taken a quarter of it already.

This is completely unacceptable. It's bad enough that he takes beers when I have already opened a crate, but to actually open the crate itself goes way beyond that.

It's not the first time it's happened either - about 18 months ago he and UF did exactly the same thing the night before Father's Day, then rather than go out and replace the beer, they randomly left roughly the price of the beer sitting on a table. They never told me that's what it was for, so I spent four days wondering why someone had left ten pounds-ish in coins lying around the house.

Subsequently, MfW has been helping himself to my beers, albeit opened ones. I don't mind the odd one - when you live with other people, there's a bit of give and take if you run out of essentials - "borrowing" a slice of bread, taking a splash of milk if you've run out. There are three things you shouldn't do though:

1. Open someone else's stuff
2. Use the last of their stuff
3. Don't take the piss about how much you take regardless

I don't remember MfW breaking #2, but he's guilty of #1 and #3.

I told UF, when he finally admitted to it, that it was completely out of order, that I had plans for the beer and to open a crate without permission was something that I wasn't at all happy about. Now I am going to have to have that same conversation with MfW.

Knowing MfW, he won't recognise these three unwritten "rules of life" that I reckon must be pretty standard - at the very least, they're simply good manners.

*squeeze*

I was out with FBS, D and a couple of other friends recently. I've mentioned that I'd always thought that things were a bit strained with FBS for many years because of a misunderstanding. Well, specifically that she wanted more than what was purely a physical relationship. We drifted apart after that, but we kept seeing each other because we worked in the same department and we had mutual friends and did a lot of socialising together.

Over the past few years things seem to have thawed, though part of me wonders if there was ever an issue from her end. Regardless, the last couple of times we've been out, it's been really nice just chatting with her. When we were out for a smoke, just the two of us, conversation flowed smoothly when before it had been a little forced. That culminated in FBS telling me that my hugs were weird and then spent a few minutes telling me how to improve my hugging technique, complete with more hugs and feedback. This wasn't even that late - in fact it was quite early.

We went back inside where I bumped into QC2 and her husband. I sat with them for 10 minutes catching up with them and swapping gossip before returning to the table.

After an hour or so, D got it into his head that I shouldn't be single. Obviously it was the drink talking - it's quite unusual for this group of friends to get into personal stuff like that on our nights out. We had some banter around that and a bit of a perv at the women in the bar, all of whom seemed to be dressed up for the Oscars.

Not long after, D and FBS went for a smoke... when they returned, they announced that they were leaving. That prompted another couple of lingering hugs from FBS. I don't know if there's never anything untoward with FBS like there seems to have been recently with, for example, E3 or CH, but the hugs were maybe too frequent and a little too long. That has happened before, but I don't know if I'm just reading too much into it.

Not that I'm complaining. I love a good hug.

Well, hello!

I bumped into E3 and another school friend in the pub last night. I ended up staying and chatting with them. E3 was, once again, very affectionate. There were a few prolonged kisses, lots of back stroking etc. This wasn't unexpected - E3 has always been very affectionate towards me, but after she threw herself at me a few years ago, she's increased that. It's not inappropriate, but it is noticeable.

My ego likes it, even though I've turned her down in the past - E3 is a very attractive woman. However, you can imagine my surprise when I was introduced to "her new man". While I was talking to E3's friend (who I don't like very much), I even overheard E3 tell her new man about the night she did throw herself at me. Weird. Also, I was rather drunk last night, but I seem to recall asking E3's friend if she approved of the new man and got surprised by her less-than-positive answer.

That'll be worth keeping an eye on!

FA2: The story as it began... and how it ended.

OK, so, where to begin? I've spoken about FA2 before, but I am not sure I ever told the entire story. I started writing this post ages ago, in order to try and sort out the details in my mind because KfW2 was asking about her/us.

I only met her after she'd been introduced to me by BW. This was a few years before anything happened and while I'd been invited to parties hosted by her, I'd never gone. She started coming out more, socially, with BW. She had separated from her husband for, let's just say, reasons that are not the usual ones. She'd been interested in me for a while, I think, though obviously hadn't done anything because she was married. She'd not actually said so much after we hooked up, but I think it was obvious and I'm fucking clueless with women, so if I noticed, it must have been obvious.

However, the night we first hooked up, I was actually trying it on with FA1 and only pulled back from that because she had recently started dating the bloke who would eventually become her husband. Go figure!

Anyway... after a shaky start for a couple of months (which involved the odd hook-up and me being generally clueless), we dated for well over two years. Well, I say "dated", but in this day and age, Facebook would decree that we were "in a relationship". All the while, FA2 had some issues. For a start, her parents never, ever shut up about grandkids. Never. Every single conversation that FA2 had with her mother had mentioned kids. This is not an exaggeration. Whether by accident or design, serious conversations with FA2 had a tempo which was decided by the ticking of her biological clock.

Don't get me wrong. I was in love with FA2, but my own circumstances meant that I wasn't in a position to talk about the things she wanted to talk about for another few years. I could have, but ultimately I think it would have been pointless trying to make those kinds of plans for four years in the future.

In addition, she was in the middle of a divorce. It wasn't the world's messiest one, but it still screwed with her head.

It got to a point where FA2 would have a mini-breakdown every five or six weeks or so. It was never anything obvious and only something that I would notice, given that we were practically living together by this stage. So much so that after a few months of this, I sat her down and gave her a good talking to.

We decided, after a lot of talking, that she needed a break - a complete break - from her family, from the divorce, from, well, everything really. I suggested travel - head away somewhere for a few months, take a mini-career break and just clear her head and enjoy herself, put the stresses of her divorce, her family and stuff behind her and gain perspective.

And she did. She handed in her notice at work, made all the arrangements and took herself off, though while I had made the suggestion with a 3 - 6 month trip in mind, she quit her job totally and made plans for 12 months. She had no ideas of her own, though... it was me who suggested where to go, what she might do/accomplish etc. Somewhat naively I distanced myself a little from her. Part of her going away was to get her head together and us trying to maintain a relationship from over 5000 miles away could have gotten in the way of that, in my opinion, and I thought, hers.

Ultimately, that's probably where it all fell apart. I maintained contact, friendly, but not overly emotional which was less a deliberate decision and more about who I was at the time. She'd been gone a few months when Xmas rolled round. We had a few telephone conversations and had planned lots of IRC/MSN chat as a cheaper option, except she couldn't get internet access.

She'd been hinting that I would go out and visit her and while she was somewhere I very much wanted to go (remember, I had made all the suggestions, so in essence, she was living my plans), I simply didn't have the time or money. I tried to explain, but she either didn't understand or believe me, I guess.

A few months after that was when she met someone else and entered into another relationship. I didn't know this at the time... it was many, many months after that before she decided to tell me. In fact, it was only when she let me know that she wasn't returning home as planned and was staying where she was that this all came out. That was a car crash of a few months for me.

So, in a few (very expensive) phone calls, I tried to get to the bottom of what was going on. She said that she'd come to the conclusion that we were over as a couple because of two things: a throwaway email I’d sent that she misinterpreted and the non-arrival of a card to celebrate our anniversary.

Rather than ask outright, she chose to make an assumption. The story didn't really add up to me, though. The email thing and the card thing happened months apart and it's not as if everything suddenly happened at once. But, we talked through it over a week or so and snatched phone calls when finances and time differences allowed. Then she dropped the bombshell... she was coming home soon, but not permanently... just for a holiday, then she would return and start seeing about emigrating.

It was a rough plan that she'd only started thinking about, she said, but my reaction to her news had given her something to think about, and we'd sit down and talk about it when she came home. That was eight weeks from that phone call.

The next eight weeks were tough for me. I had a lot going on in my life at that point anyway, and I really didn't need the distraction. A week before she was due to come home, I tried to make arrangements. I took some time out the day we were due to meet so that we could spend an entire afternoon talking, if needed. She refused and said that an evening would be enough, but she agreed to meet early in the evening, to give us a good few hours talking before we were due to meet friends, including AM and QC1.

So, we went out for food, and we talked. We talked a lot. Then we left and went to a quiet bar to continue the chat. On the way up the road, she took my hand. She looked at me and told me softly that I still hadn't said "it". "It" was "I love you". It had been a bugbear of hers before she'd originally left and she'd always maintained that I'd never said it to her. I had, though. Admittedly, too little, too infrequently and started too long into the relationship, but it was said... and it was true.

However, she meant that I hadn't said it that night. I told her outright while I still did, I still had my concerns that the conversation that we were having was all for nothing, that her desire to emigrate meant that it didn't matter what had or hadn't happened between us, that was what was important to her. I told her that it was my opinion that she wasn't about to completely change whatever plans she'd had simply because I did or didn't say three words and that despite her protests, I'd said them to her before. Then she kissed me. Passionately.

We continued the conversation, slowly but surely covering ground that we should have done over the previous year until AM and QC1 arrived. FA2 was always very fond of AM and QC1, so they unsurprisingly disappeared for a girly chat. Part of it was a catching-up exercise, but part of it was talking about me. AM grabbed me later that night and told me that whatever it was I'd said to her, it was the right thing and that she was very confused. She still loved me and her initial reason for meeting with me that night was simply to get closure and hopefully give me some... but old feelings had resurfaced and, in FA2's eyes, she'd seen how much I'd grown as a person in the time she was gone.

And it was true, I had... I had become a more confident person at the very least. AM and QC2 stayed for a while, then invented excuses to leave and let FA2 and myself continue/complete our conversation. I bought some more drinks and then told FA2 the three words she wanted to hear. She kissed me again. When the bars closed in the early hours of the morning, we went back to mine and sat drinking vodka and talking some more. By this time, the serious conversation was pretty much over, we'd both said what we wanted to say. FA2 needed some time to think things over. She was due to stay in the UK for a couple of weeks, visiting family etc. so it was my assumption that this would be ample time.

We were sat on the sofa, at 4AM, watching a video of mine... probably something sci-fi. FA2 snuggled up to me "because she was cold", which lasted about two minutes before she started kissing me again... except this time it went beyond that. Before it got to actual intercourse but was long after we were both naked, she stopped suddenly. She can't do it, she said, it would be unfair.

Unfair to whom? I didn't ask. I think I knew. We dressed in silence, she kissed me again, told me she'd be in touch and left. She went AWOL for the next two weeks and I phoned her a few days after she left the country again. She was apologetic. What came next was no surprise... when she left me, she returned home. It was true that I had really given her something to think about, but ultimately, she was starting to get into the relationship with a new bloke (the two AWOL weeks were her visiting/being introduced to his family)  and the emigration thing was very important to her. I had certainly told her that I had assumed the emigration thing was big. We talked for a while, and then I wished her good luck. I was devastated. A few days later, QC2 called and offered to take me out, and although we'd been friends for years, I think this really brought us together, which is at least one positive.

It's not the last time we spoke nor is it the last time we actually met. I did eventually find, a few years later, the time and money to do the things I wanted to do, and when I was in FA2's new neck of the woods, I got in touch. I met the other bloke, who seemed nice enough, but in the few weeks we shared a city and went out a few times for dinner and drinks, I found out that things weren't exactly what I had been told.

For starters, this bloke had been pursuing FA2 pretty much as soon as she turned up to the hostel, literally days after leaving me. That, before the misunderstood email, they were sleeping together (or it was around that time) and that before our anniversary came round (so before anything had a chance to arrive), they were moving in together. That before FA2 called me to tell me she wasn't coming home, they'd already started the emigration process and were making significant financial commitments together – buying a car together, for example. There were a few other things said that simply didn't add up to what I had been told.

It was around that time that I decided to give up on FA2. There wasn't any real anger, just tiredness about it all. It had just confirmed some logic/gut feelings I'd had at the time. I don't think FA2 considers it to be cheating, I think in her head, she’s rationalised it all. She might even believe the stories/timeline she told me. But FA2 was someone I believed would never cheat on ANY partner, not just me and it's always saddened me how a relationship that had lasted nearly three years (when she left the country... I guess you could add a further nine months to that if you want to count the total amount of time I thought I was in a relationship).

And in the year she had been gone, I had turned down other women. FBS was practically putting it on a plate on the night of her own leaving do, for example.

Since then, contact has been brief, irregular and usually instigated by FA2 when she wants something. Any time I'd tried to have a conversation with her (my excitement at the potential with RB was a prime example), she simply wasn't interested. It was all small-talk as a prelude to asking for a favour.

Hmmm...

It's been three months-ish since this night, swapping texts with CH. Tonight, she's out again in my home city and I have been half-expecting a repeat of that night off the back of one or two comments made (by her) that have led to one or two assumptions (by me).

The cutoff point I had in my head was half past eight for going out to the pub IF she had gotten in contact. Right about now, in fact. I'm kinda surprised that, barring a few swapped texts this afternoon, she's not been in touch at all.

That's probably a good, if frustrating, thing. She's good fun and even more so when she's drunk and I'm not going to lie... I like the drunken flirting thing we've got going on.

Looks like it's me and Jenni Lee later on.

Here we go again...

On a recent lunch date with KfW2, she once again mentioned online dating. Rather than completely rule it out, I said I'd revisit the idea after Xmas. There's no point in doing anything before Xmas - everyone is busy - the caveat being that you don't meet someone on a night out and click. But starting an online dating profile now? Nah. I'm busy enough as it is. I also said that if I did revisit the idea, then I expected her to be there if it goes wrong.

But we did cover some ground that we've never really discussed before - the fact that I might not meet as many people as I should because I don't have any "wingmen". Offhand, only really GM or FP can really fill that role. USHW has already expressed surprise that neither GM nor GB stepped up when I set eyes on CB.

These are subjects that I've covered with USHW before, but I think they need raised with KfW2 and anyone else who's interested in my relationship status - especially anyone who's liable to be out and about with me in a social context.

Come the new year, if KfW2 is serious about getting me into online dating, then I forsee a more frank discussion on the subjects of women and dating, but having conversations earlier than that can't do any harm. The problem is that I can't keep conversation on track, and what might begin as a chat on a specific subject, can often veer wildly onto completely different topics.

You've got a friend.

Sometimes I think KfW2 has problems opening up to me - probably not as bad as I have with her (or anyone else), but more than I had thought. I've always considered myself a good listener, and I'm close enough to her that I can see when things aren't good for her, no matter how minor. We were talking on Monday, in general, and I suggested that she was not in good form. She agreed and said that she was feeling run down. I waited for her to expand, but after a few seconds she started giggling.

I looked at her.

"What? Did I miss something? I've missed something, haven't I?"

She shook her head.

"You're funny".

I prompted her for more information, but she never expanded. We finished our lunch and went back to our desks.

My instant messenger program popped up.

"You've done it again, you dweeb".

She was referring to a moment we'd had a few months ago where I'd missed signals that she had something to say. It led to another kind of heart to heart conversation where I reiterated that I'd not done it on purpose and that I wanted her to talk to me.

The first time I'm prepared to accept that I was in the "wrong", but not this time. I know why she's feeling run down. However, arguing with her about it wasn't going to help and at least she said something this time. I tried getting her to expand, but beyond repeating the "run down" quote, she kinda clammed up.

I broached the subject again today... she's been getting worse all this week. This time, she did open up and pretty much confirmed what I had suspected - that this is all stemming from her medical thing from a few months ago and the fact that things still aren't back to normal. It's getting her down and causing some stress and, in her opinion, seems neverending. Given the other things that have happened to us this year, I can fully understand why she's at the end of her tether. I offered to talk to her in more detail if we could find somewhere private, but she refused.

"I don't want to be sitting across the table from you, crying into my coffee", she said. So, we continued the conversation over instant messenger. I don't think saved her. As the conversation went on, I heard sniffles, but I never asked.

I took her out at lunchtime. I told her that if she wanted to talk, I'd be there, but if not, a relaxed lunch and some fresh air might help at least a little bit.

She didn't talk. I think she's told me all she wants to say, which is enough. To go any further would be to go into detail about the medical stuff, which is something I am extremely uncomfortable with. That's not to say I wouldn't listen, but KfW2 knows me very well.

I don't know how much our chat helped her today, I don't know how much any communication helps when you're feeling like this, but I hope it did.

The confidence, man.

A while ago, it was suggested to me (or maybe I thought of all it all by myself) that I was too timid with women. Now, that's nothing to do with actually talking to them or chatting them up (though I daresay some of my female friends would argue that point as well), but is actually aimed more at the women I know are attracted to me. In fact, it goes beyond that as well, I think... it's more regarding the women where the ice has been broken i.e. I've already kissed them (or more), so the attraction is out of the bag and reciprocated to an extent.

I guess the memory was sparked a few days ago off the back of a light hearted chat/comments with USHW about CH.

So, I know a girl is interested in me and I have an opportunity to kiss her or get her into bed. This is where I get timid. Quite often I can see the opportunity that is there, but I refuse to take it. Part of it is, in my opinion, a confidence issue. What I have done in the past is second guess myself... and then try to prove to myself that the girl definitely does want to have sex with me by getting her to call the shots. Sometimes that works, a lot of times it doesn't.

For example, FA2 and I ended up back at her house several weeks in a row after being out with friends, often indulging in a lot of fumbling and kissing before I would get a taxi home in the early hours of the morning. She later confessed that she waited "a good few weeks" for me to take it to the next level. I second-guessed myself here because FA2 was BW's friend and I knew that BW was close to FA2, so I wanted to be sure that this was exactly what FA2 wanted. I don't remember specifically saying anything about sex, but made more of a throwaway, supposed-to-be funny comment. FA2 grabbed my hand, trailed me upstairs to her bedroom and then fucked my brains out. Part of the FA2 confession was that she definitely wanted to have sex with me much earlier than we did, but didn't want to make the first move.

CAB was slightly different. I've already posted here many times about how much I wanted to have sex with her, but neither of us were in a place where getting the privacy was easy. There was one time, though, when we ended up at her friend's house after a night out in the pub. Several of us went back to CAB's friend's place. We found a quiet corner and indulged in some fumbling and kissing and oral before the others realised we were missing and invited us back into the group. A few hours later, the host decided it was time for us to go home. It was only after the taxi had arrived and I was climbing in, that the host, and CAB, told me that CAB was staying over and that I was welcome to stay as well. It was obvious what it meant - CAB was not shy and there had been quite a bit of fumbling and/or oral on previous nights, but part of me wanted CAB to say it outright. I took the taxi home.

My next example is RB. The first night, after I'd already kissed her in the bar and for about half an hour outside, RB invited me back to hers under the caveat that "nothing is going to happen", yet we spent a good couple of hours writhing around on her sofa, kissing and letting our hands wander. RB was extremely keen, but based on her "nothing is going to happen" comment, I made a very conscious decision not to push my luck, so while hands wandered, bras were unfastened and hands made it into underwear, I never made a move that she didn't first. And no comments about RB undoing my bra, thankyouverymuch. The same thing happened the second night - she wanted me back at hers, then made her caveat. However, when I went to leave at 2AM (she fell asleep in my arms watch TV), she then asked me "Do you not want this?", made it clear she was implying sex and proceeded to kick off more of the same before calling everything to an abrupt stop (but I've spoken about that before in other posts).

FBS was very similar to FA2 - lots of mucking about on numerous nights until one night I happened to mention that I was horny as hell... and not that long after, we were naked in bed, having a really good time. After that, she wasn't shy about getting things physical, it was just that first time.

Those are only four examples... It's a "mistake" that I've made, probably about a dozen times or so to my detriment. As I said, it's mostly a confidence thing - certainly with FBS, CAB and FA2 it was and the scenarios I can think of resemble those tales rather than the RB one. With RB it was, I dunno... I still think that had I pushed things a little, she would have succumbed, that she was waiting for me to be more forward, but part of me thinks that the self-preservation attitude probably saved me.

And don't get me started on simply not seeing the signals. I could talk for days on that one. And I could tell you a similar story about "testing" a girl if I think she's interested, specifically in relation to CAB and RB, amongst others.

Gah!

After my mini-rant in this post, GB further annoyed me by turning up to our grand day out several hours after everyone else. We knew she was going to do this, but it made her first complaint about which day we had originally chosen pretty much null and void.

To add insult to all of this, she only stayed out for a couple of hours and was the first to leave with MF.

No doubt there will be a row when it comes to deciding what to do over Christmas and New Year, though I already have my preferences and have told KfW2.

There were a few things said by KfW2 that I need to follow up with, when I next get the chance to speak to her privately.

And so it begins...

Party season is almost upon us and my social life is starting to ramp up again, having been a little quiet over the past few months. That's not a complaint - just a statement. Having some quiet weekends recharges the batteries and I had been hitting it quite hard towards the end of the summer.

But here's what's tentatively planned over the next two weeks, just as an example:

Drinks with FP
A lunch date with KfW2
Drinks with KfW2, GM, GB, CH and probably many more
A friend's leaving do
Possibly a wedding (unlikely though)
Our work's monthly event

And that's only until the start of December when there'll be other nights out including a potential repeat of this night as CH is due to be in my home town again, a night out with FBS and that crowd of friends plus at least three other nights I can think of.

The Emperor's New Clothes

I need some new clothes. A few day-to-day items, jumpers and the like, but I also need some more formal attire - suits etc. I had a nice suit when I was dating FA2 - a three piece, black affair. I don't often dress up, but with FA2's help, I found a suit that I liked. She said I looked amazing in it though I initially thought that was just girlfriend talk, but when I was at weddings etc. I was getting a lot of admiring glances and compliments from women.

With that in mind, I've asked KfW2 to tag along when I go out suit shopping in a few days' time. I always like a second opinion when I am spending big money on clothes, partly because I don't know a lot about suits etc. but also partly because a suit is stepping out of my comfort zone, so I always think I look awkward and uncomfortable in them.

With any luck, we'll get finished early and I can get her into a pub for a drink and a bit of a chat around general dating issues etc. It's a conversation I've been wanting to have for a while though, but getting private (i.e. away from people who know us) time with her is difficult.

*fume*

Over the past few years, KfW2 and I have started our own little tradition of having a day out around Christmas. The first year, it was myself, KfW2, Mr KfW2 and CC. That first year was a really, really fun day and night out. This year, due to KfW2's husband's availability, it's slightly earlier than usual. We opened up invitations to some of our drinking friends - GB, S, GM etc. Maybe I didn't make myself clear when I sent the email, but it was very much a case of "we're going out, so if you are free, please feel free to come along", but people actually complained that the potential dates didn't suit them. That made me angry a bit.

Regardless, we have the day tied down and I'm looking forward to it. Numbers seem to be limited. S has already said he can't go and CH is unlikely to attend (though she promised to after her non-appearance at the last night out). GB and MF will be there, CC will not. Even a smaller crowd, with GB, might turn out to be to my advantage. We're more than likely to have a centralised conversation with less of us there, and that could be dating-centric if I prime KfW2 this week (a conversation I've been meaning to have anyway) and that could lead on to my disappointment over the perceived lack of effort from GB over the CB thing.

I said a while ago either in a post here or directly to USHW that I was going to draw a line under the CB thing, and to a certain extent, I have. But the odd time where she does pop into my head, I still feel annoyed at GB/disappointed at a missed opportunity/inquisitive about why KfW2/CH never asked any Qs about her and angry at myself for not actually trying to talk to her that night in the pub.

I don't do regrets, but I don't ever recall being this angry at myself when something didn't turn out the way I wanted.

*sigh*

E posted something on Facebook not that long ago to mark a significant anniversary. I'm chuffed to bits for her, of course, but it also made me realise that I still miss her terribly.

Early planning.

Over the past few years, GB and GM have been at the heart of our New Year's Eve celebrations. The first time, they promised a party that they didn't even start to organise (and I had waived my own intentions of having a party in a new place that I'd recently moved in to) and last year, they made all the arrangements, but no-one turned up. I think, partly, because they never told anyone until too late and NYE is something that people organise early.

Unlike a lot of people, I really like New Year's Eve, and socialising with friends is important to me. This year especially, I really want a good New Year's Eve. It's been a bad year. The past two years have been redeemed by visiting a certain pub where everyone had a good time and I'd like to just cut out the pretence of a party and make arrangements to meet our friends there.

I explained this to KfW2 earlier, but she mentioned something about having to get home to her place, which might be difficult on a night that's busy for taxis. I'll bring this up again next week so that I can get her on-side - she's more than welcome to come back to mine until the taxi situation has eased.

However, KfW2 is the least of my worries - GB is lazy. The reason that we've ended up in that particular pub over the past few years is because it was five minutes walk from GB's house. She no longer lives there, so naming that pub as a place to be will definitely be met with resistance. That's something else I am going to have to manage.

Oh, hello.

Watching Capt. America; The First Avenger over the weekend, and I was quite taken by Hayley Atwell. She reminds me of a few people, including SSCW and maybe a little of MMBF, and that's never a bad thing.

A blast from the past.

I had a dream last night that featured CAB quite heavily. While it wasn't an erotic dream, the last bit of it that I do remember was agreeing to go on a date with her (again). However, there were portions of the dream that just involved chatting to her, S popped up in some capacity, as did KfW2.

Beyond USHW mentioning her last week in a talk about taste in women, and obviously the dream last night,  it seems like it's been a few years at least since I last thought about CAB. In reality, USHW says it's only been a few months, and she's right. I've not actually seen her in person since we split up and only swapped the odd email a dozen or so years ago.

The Eye of the Beholder.

Over the past few days, USHW and I have been involved in a somewhat lengthy discussion about looks and physical attraction - specifically about my tastes and identifying a girlfriend from a fuck buddy, for example, based on past posts here. Why, for example, am I far more attracted to CB than MMBF when arguably MMBF ticks more of my boxes (physically)?

It's a prologue to having a conversation with CH and KfW2 regarding any potential match-making they're likely to do, but it was a thought-provoking and interesting conversation.

I know that KfW2 definitely has someone in mind, but CH has also hinted at it (or rather I've inferred that she does based on recent comments).

Both women, if they've been paying attention should have a good idea of my ideal woman. I don't think that I've been backwards in telling people exactly who I want a date with (no, not CB... ) but I don't know if they are taking it seriously, unlike E who managed to pinpoint my type right down one Saturday afternoon in the pub.

While we ultimately came to the same conclusion, I don't think either of us expressed ourselves particularly well... and USHW mentioned some things regarding my female friends that I still can't see (nothing bad - just categorisation based on similar looks).

What I thought was much harder to define were the non-physical attributes. Physically, KfW2 might be as close to my perfect woman as you're likely to find, but it's the personality etc. and other intangible characteristics that have as much, if not more, importance.

I reckon I'd know pretty quickly if I met this person, but asking me to list any criteria has had me scratching my head.

Shouldn't throw stones.

I was meant to be going out with MfW for his birthday a few nights ago, but it never happened. That was for two main reasons... the first was that he wanted to go to a club. I don't particularly like clubs and especially those that play RnB/dance music. The second was that he went AWOL for hours before finally turning up at the apartment at half ten with a few mates in tow.

By this time, I was already settled for the evening, watching a couple of movies and getting comfortable after a week of trying (and mainly succeeding) fighting off the cold. It had taken its toll though, and I was really not in any mood to go anywhere.

So, that wasn't bad. I had a great night's sleep that night and chilled out the next day.

I thought that MfW might have gone home to see the family, but that was not the case. Imagine my surprise when I went to make dinner last night to see UF in the apartment. Apparently he and MfW had made plans. Since I've introduced the two of them, they seem to have hit it off, which is no bad thing, but I appear to be excluded from a lot of these trips to the pub that became more and more frequent as time went on.

I don't know if this is MfW's doing or UF's. Seeing as MfW got an invite to UF's wedding and I didn't, I am inclined to think it's UF, but it could be either of them really.

MfW was complaining last night about NSU's lack of housekeeping and this is typical of the man. He's very interested in what other people DON'T do, but rarely sees what other people actually do. All the complaints he makes/made about UF and NSU's effort around the house (cleaning, tidying up, buying little things for the apartment) can all be levelled against him. I don't think he sees that, though.

Urgh.

I got about an hour's sleep last night due to being racked with acid reflux. I suffer a bit from mild doses of it and have done all my adult life, but last night's was excruciating and unstoppable, even with most of a full packet of antacids in me. I felt myself get sick yesterday and I went to sleep last night, only to be woken just after 11PM by NSU coming back into the apartment, shouting at someone down the phone while in the kitchen and then hammering something. It sounded as if she was hitting something with a rolling pin... at 11PM... in an apartment where every sound can be heard.

As a result, I didn't go into work today - not sick, just a last-minute annual leave day - with the intention of catching up on the sleep I lost and chilling out. That went well until NSU arrived back in the apartment as I was dozing, made a huge racket and then a few minutes later, inexplicably started shouting my name.

When I answered my door, she tried to make jokes "there's no need to be so serious" she laughed as she saw my face.

"What do you want?" I asked, clearly pissed off.

She went very quiet. "Were you asleep?"

"Yes, I've had the day off as I didn't sleep well last night. I've been dozing on and off all day."

She looked as if she was going to apologise, but I simply closed my door and tried to get back to sleep. No chance.

Socially speaking.

Unsurprisingly, the lunch "date" a few weeks ago with AM and QC1 happened as I predicted - it was all driven by QC1 in terms of times, dates and restaurants, so while I had a 15 minute walk, QC1 had a 30 second walk.

Usually, it's all questions about my love life etc. and I am more than happy to answer them, but this time it was different. AM's husband, also a friend of mine, was out. That was the first that I had seen him in probably a few years.

But it just seemed that it was a lot of small talk, a bit of catching up, some nice food and that was it. I like QC1 and AM's company, even with pandering to QC1, but this was a lot more unfulfilling than usual.

An upturn - some further thoughts.

I suppose I should add a little more to my previous post. The insecure part of me is really chuffed to bits by KfW2's claim that she has someone for me. I've always wanted my friends to introduce me to new people and, as I have touched upon before, I am surprised that it hasn't happened more (if it has happened at all). I know that I've met other people through friends (see this post), but I don't know that any setups have gone on. The only time I've actually asked for anything to be engineered, during my dating life, is CB through GB/MFF.

At the same time, I know that it has become increasingly rare over the past few years that I am really attracted to someone. Any regular readers will know that the only two of any real note have been RB and CB and CB barely counts as she's someone I've seen a few times in the pub but not spoken to. Date No. 1 had potential, but seeing as that only lasted 1 night, it didn't get a chance to go anywhere. Some might argue that my feelings towards KfW2 and CH aren't entirely platonic (certainly with CH it's very lustful), but can you count them?

Maybe that's my issue. Maybe I'm looking for that initial hit of attraction/chemistry/lust and concentrate more on that than, say, a slow burner where attraction is built up over repeated meetings and contact.

Most of the people I've ended up dating have been the more immediate attraction type... I'm trying hard to think of any slow burners who have had a big impact. FA2, I think, is the only one that amounted to anything as we met through BW and he used to bring FA2 out regularly. There was a friend of AM and QC1's that I suddenly found myself attracted to, but she ended up dating a guy before I did anything about it.

Regardless, with me being picky when it comes to women, I like to downplay things, which is why I've got this idea that if I meet people in a group setting rather than a one-on-one date setting that things would tend to work out better.

An upturn.

I was having coffee recently with KfW2 when she told me that she had someone with whom  she wanted to set me up. I quickly moved to tell her that I didn't do blind dates (she kinda knew that already) and the best way to get me on board with this kind of thing is to simply never tell me. By all means bring friends out socially and if they're single and we hit it off, then great, otherwise, no-one ever knows.

It's the kinda thing I was hoping would happen had there been a positive outcome with CB through MFF, though obviously I would be completely clued-in as to why CB was out socially.

Then, after apologising for blowing me off at the very last minute a few nights ago, CH hinted that the next time we were all out, she would bring a friend. Per advice from USHW, I shall have to have the same conversation with CH as I had with KfW2 above. It's a massive assumption that this friend of CH's is being brought along for my benefit, but I was planning on having a dating conversation with CH in the near future anyway and recent developments have probably brought that forward a little, by a week or so.

While KfW2 seemed agreeable to my point of view, I had this same conversation with QC1 a few years ago when she had this girl she wanted me to meet. She seemed awfully insistent that it had to be a blind date though rather than a more casual meeting.

Looking back.

This time of year brings back fond memories for two main reasons: V and CH. Oh, and cute girls in fancy dress costumes.

I had a night out with V many moons ago that I've talked about here that was around this time of year and it was our work Halloween night out this time last year where I first noticed CH pushing the boundaries of our friendship with lingering physical contact, the odd peck kiss and the fact she was practically wrapped around me as I walked her to the bus stop per her "not taking 'no' for an answer" demands.

And now we're coming round to that same time of year... and I have a night out planned with work chums later this week, and CH will be in attendance,

Meh.

I was meant to be heading to my parents this afternoon for Sunday dinner and catch up with other family members, but I'm feeling a bit under the weather and, if I am being honest, I am enjoying my own company this weekend.

There's a tiny element of feeling sorry for myself/a bit lonely as well.

I've lots of stuff I can be getting on with this afternoon too, so I've just called my dad and told him that I won't see him until later this week.

Changing myself (continued).

I finally got around to having a conversation with KfW2 about my ability to open up about myself as first mentioned in this post. We had a good chat about it, though it was brief, but I think that broaching the subject initially  was a great help. She referenced this conversation that we had at the start of the summer as something she'd like to share more of and that's something I'd like to be able to do.

KfW2 said a few things that eased my mind somewhat as I had been concerned that she had made the comments because she had needed to talk to me and I was closing off, but that wasn't the case. There are still a few things that I think we need to cover, but we can't until KfW2 identifies the things that made her raise the subject initially. I've asked her to think about it and let me know what they are so I can address them. Better late than never and hopefully a starting point to go further.

All I need to do is to remind KfW2 to ask lots of questions and that should help things continue.

Well, I never!

MfW disappeared over the weekend without a trace or notice. I wasn't overly concerned and I did get a great weekend of chilling out without doors being slammed etc.

It turns out that he was at UF's wedding. A wedding that I didn't get an invite to. I'm not particularly annoyed - despite living with UF for over four years, I wouldn't ever say that we were friends... and that's if you ignore the fact that he's been, in my opinion, taking the piss, house-wise since we moved into our current place. Actually, when I think about the amount of piss-taking that he did with regards not paying me on time, not doing any housework etc. I do actually start getting quite angry.

I know that he and MfW often went to the pub, usually without inviting me, but I didn't realise they were that close.

Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more.

Something that has been bothering me all year is my single status. It hasn't helped me that I had the "close but no cigar" period with CB at the start of the year that has been thwarted by, IMO, GB's utter uselessness. Usually these funks only last a month or so, but this one has been consistent pretty much for all of this year and, over the past few months, has been more and more of an issue.

I've told KfW2 that I'm unhappy being single right now and that this is a mood that comes and goes usually, but has been in the back of my mind all year. Her immediate suggestion was to try online dating. I eventually confessed that I'd done it before, had little success and it destroyed my confidence, but she didn't take this as a valid reason not to try it again.

None of the above is new - it's something I've repeatedly posted about here.

Since then, the idea has grown in my head. I'm really unhappy being single and there are few options open to me for meeting new people right now, so I am thinking to myself "why not try it again?" I think I am at a stage where my unhappiness greatly overshadows my concerns about online dating and my own mentality being at odds with what online dating requires.

Maybe my problem was that last time, I did it all on my own. Maybe having KfW2 as support will help?

USHW predicted that I'd cave in, simply because it was KfW2's suggestion, but I think that I am caving in because of my own unhappiness. I have other things I want to clear up with KfW2, but I think that, unless something drastic happens over the next week or so, I'll sit down with KfW2 and talk to her again about the entire problem - my relationship status. If online dating is mentioned, I think I will probably go down that route, but I will be making sure that KfW2 comes along for the ride, if only to be there for support when I suspect things turn out the same again.

Changing myself.

I still haven't managed to sit down with KfW2 for a chat about my single status and online dating... and I have another reason to get some time alone with her after a comment she made in a text message during the week. It's not unexpected, but she did mention that I had a habit of clamming up when conversations got serious/personal. This upset me a little because I was trying to get personal information out of her at the time - I had my reasons to be concerned about her, but she was being vague.

Now, thinking back, I don't think there's anything new here. I've been aware, since my relationship with FA2 many years ago, that I've had problems opening up about myself. I don't know if that's just habit - since I've been interested in the opposite sex I've been single far, far longer than I've been in relationships and I wouldn't exactly say that I was close to my parents (though my relationship with my sister has gotten much better over the past dozen years or so), so I'm kinda used to dealing with a lot of stuff on my own.

In addition, during my university years (around the same time as my relationship with FA2), I had a few accounts online in a couple of communities where I really did my best not to give out any personal information. What that gave me, I think, was more confidence communicating from behind a keyboard than face to face.

There's also the fact that I have been described as a good listener, so I'm always prepared to let other people do the talking.

My initial concern, when KfW2 mentioned this, was that I was being accused of backing off when she wanted someone to talk to, but I can't think of a time over the past few months when that's been the case. I think she's referring to my own inability to open up and just talk about myself rather than rely on direct questions or related conversations before I say anything.

That's an assumption though, and I need to clear this with her. She doesn't seem to bothered by it and has hinted that she finds it amusing, but it's an aspect of me that I don't particularly like and would like to address.

Moral dilemmas.

CH has featured rather prominently in conversations with USHW over the past week or so. It's USHW's opinion that CH is definitely playing games and building up to something. My opinion is that while there is definite mutual attraction, I really don't see it ever panning out to anything.   CH only seems to show this flirty behaviour when drunk, though the last time we were out, she was a little more public with it than she has been previously. What USHW and I both agree on is that anything happening between us is a bad idea.

The next time we're both due to be out is the next work thing which is in a few weeks' time - assuming she doesn't have yet another family crisis that rules out her attendance. Part of me thinks I should simply stop playing the games/flirting and just have CH as a friend, but part of me, knowing that she's partly interested wants to see it through to whatever climax this reaches.

And around we go... again... continued!

Despite the amount of shenanigans that happened on Friday night, work was relatively quiet today. KfW2 did admit that she was somewhat shocked at CH and that my description that she was bonkers and never stopped talking really hadn't done her any justice (she had said this on Friday night as well).

Unrelated to our night out, she made a few comments when I had suggested that a meeting with an attractive blonde girl in work was always going to be successful because, regardless of the intent of the meeting, an hour's worth of perving would make it worth it. The girl in question is married and not my type but is very definitely very attractive.

Getting back to the night out, she was describing my face when CH took off her bra... apparently I was shocked. Given that I had a massive grin on my face, I suspect KfW2's memory isn't up to all that... after all, she doesn't remember her and CH groping each other's chests.

It was only when I mentioned that I hadn't made up my mind about a potential night out with GB and others that the conversation really kicked off. KfW2 returned to a conversation that I tried to start from a few weeks ago (she apologised for not getting back to it sooner because she had other things on her mind, which is true enough after her medical scare). Specifically, about some questions I'd asked about GB being romantically interested in me. She'd said that she'd had the conversation with GB and asked why I'd started the questioning.

I referred back to a conversation that E and I had a few weeks ago where it was E who had asked the question. In reality, there was no such conversation with E, it was just used as a reason to bring up something from earlier in the year. I'd said that I'd mentioned to E about things that GB had done/said earlier in the year which prompted the question from E. So, KfW2 was satisfied with the response, but it hasn't gotten me any closer to knowing if something about CB/MFF is being held back.

It did lead on to a conversation about E and the obvious subsequent questioning that covered the same ground as a lengthy conversation that USHW and I had back in 2009 or so regarding my ambiguous (at the time) feelings towards E. I was honest when I said that I didn't recognise it at the time, but did later and got the inevitable teasing from KfW2 but once again, the conversation stuttered to a halt/pause as work/meetings got in the way. It'll probably get picked up again at some point, but who knows when that will be?

The thing that I was most disappointed about (apart from the lack of CB/MFF resolution) was that apparently KfW2 and her husband have had conversations about trying to get me and GB together. To say that GB is not my type in terms of looks, personality and general interests would be an understatement. I thought KfW2 might have known by now.

Problem solving... a beginning.

The online dating thing has been increasingly playing on my mind since KfW2 first suggested it a month or so ago, amongst other methods of meeting people. From reading around and from the specific online dating thread on a forum that I frequent, success in online dating relies on first of all, good profile pictures, second of all, a good profile and sending out lots and lots of messages and hope for perhaps a one in ten response.

A one in ten response? I've had more success than that in bars when I actually make the effort to talk to women. Online dating sites are specifically out there for people to meet, so how can the response rate be so low?

The pictures bit is a bit up in the air for me - I really don't like a lot of the pictures I'm in and those that I do, the candid ones, are not brilliant for showing off who I am.

I can write profiles all day long that I believe reflect my personality and are interesting to read. A few years ago, I got my friends A and DSC lots of dates by writing their profiles.

I think it's the sending messages bit that really lets me down. I need to be excited by a profile, whether that's a picture of a cute girl or a sign in what she's written that she's someone I want to know. Without that excitement, I just can't summon up the energy to write a message to someone, so I can't blanket bomb messages to girls to get a decent amount of responses. The unwritten rules of online dating sites as stated on the forum that I frequent coupled with my own experiences tell me that the more surgical, targetted method that I employ is not suited.

The last time, on two different online dating sites, I sent out approximately fifty messages that resulted in about six replies, most were "no thanks" which is fair enough, and two of those led to conversations and one date with Date No. 1. I wanted to hear back from each and every one of those girls that I had messaged, because there was something in them that interested me. The fact that 90% didn't reply (it didn't matter if they were unwilling or unable, the fact is they didn't) really hit my confidence. Like it or not, while I didn't take it personally, it did dent my own self-confidence and that's my issue with online dating - I simply don't have the mentality for it.

I started typing this post in order to try and make some sense of why I'm still considering online dating after my confidence took an almighty bashing about three years ago. I also want to have a chat with KfW2 at some point about online dating, so getting this all sorted in my head is a good start. I was going to draw up a list of pros and cons in order to help me make a decision, but I can't really think about that now. No doubt I'll come back to that later...

One down... more to go.

The solution to the ongoing work problems are now starting to gather steam and while it's not going to be plain sailing, I expect things to be much, much better by the end of the month.

That's one thing off my plate, thankfully, though it would be nice to sort out a few others things over the next few months. KfW2 has repeated her desire to get me back to online dating despite quite a few protestations from me about not wanting to get back into it again given the lack of success from both Match.com and PLenty of Fish  apart from Date No. 1. USHW reckons I might eventually crumble but says I need to make my stance clearer.

The thing is, I've not been meeting anyone anywhere else recently. I continue to hold out a little hope that an introduction to CB is possible, partly because it is so achievable with MFF (and CH is a friend of MFF too, and she says she wants me to find someone), partly because there was no actual conclusion/closure on it from earlier, and partly because no-one else has been on my radar since the start of the year.

I definitely need to do something different because meeting people in bars isn't working - at least, not at the moment. USHW has suggested speed dating, but it's a matter of getting someone to go with me. GM is the obvious choice, but getting him out in general is difficult - he was meant to be out with CH etc. a few nights ago but was already triple booked. A few months ago, GB suggested a local meet up from, I believe, Match.com. I was too pissed off at her at the time to go. If another one is suggested, I might trundle along. And I still haven't ruled out online dating, despite how it left me feeling before. I'm starting to think that I have to give serious thought to any different way of meeting people that doesn't involve chatting to strangers in the pub.

Strange things afoot... and a night out.

The night out with CH, KfW2 etc. came and went well. It started off with CH and her friend pondering setting me up with a friend of theirs - but they decided it was a bad idea. KfW2 got a better idea of who CH is and described her as "completely bonkers". I'd already warned her. CH can be an acquired taste - she's a very dominant and forthright personality, but KfW2 seemed to take it all in her stride, which was good. I'd half a mind to talk about GB/CB and women in general, but I didn't really get the chance. KfW2 mentioned online dating again and CH briefly discussed finding me a woman but neither of these comments led to full-on conversations.

We covered titwanks (well, sex in general), her tits after breastfeeding her kids, complete with bra removal and visual demonstration (under clothes) of how saggy they were (they weren't as bad as she claimed and she was very proud of her pre-pregnancy tits), underwear (with another visual demonstration of what she was wearing) and less titillating topics such as friendships with the opposite sex. It was a very typical CH night.

S appeared later on, and CH's friend popped in briefly as well, so there was a decent turnout.

CH's recent "strange" behaviour continued, though there was less opportunity this time round, but physical contact lasted just a little longer than it perhaps should and even a recounting of this tale was changed in the telling, just enough, to rule out anything untoward. There was a short incident of hand holding for no explicable reason and at least three kisses that I can remember (I was quite drunk by the end of the night, so may not remember the exact details).

When I cheekily chastised her for leaving to go home with her friend, the conversation was a little weird.

Me: "Tsk, at you going home. You should have stayed out longer"
CH: "Why?"
Me: "Cos it's a good night and fun and you don't come out often, so you should maximise the time you get"
CH: "But fun = trouble"
Me: "Where's the trouble?"

And then she went quiet until this morning and hasn't mentioned it at all. This is reminiscent of the text conversation we had a few weeks ago where she obviously has something on her mind but won't vocalise it.

I still don't know if she's playing games (as suggested by USHW) or if this is simply a case of her conscience playing up, but the past few times, I've been playing the game back, doing the same things as she has done - little physical things, making little comments here and there etc. Last night, I had my hands on her tits under the guise of trying to get back my wallet that she'd stolen.

All in all, typical CH and roll on three weeks when potentially CH will be out at the pub again.

Fingers crossed.

After many, many months of talking and many, many attempts at organisation, CH has finally arranged a night out. She's also invited KfW2 (showing their friendship growing), GB, GM and two other co-workers from my past.

GB can't make it - she's already committed to something else (I didn't ask), but I think everyone else will be there at some point.

I'm looking forward to spending some time in the company of three extremely attractive (though unavailable) brunettes. If one of the ex-coworkers wasn't going, I'd be tempted to address both CH and KfW2's comments about finding me someone, but the third girl is perhaps a little too flaky to engage in a serious conversation. That's not to say that the conversation couldn't happen (and the third girl is also a friend of MFF).

The attendance of the other two girls is likely to curtail any of the drunken behaviour that CH has shown previously as well.

It's been touch and go though. Despite only arranging this from last Friday, CH has already cancelled a few times and then reinstated the night out and KfW2 was out today, related to her medical thing from a few weeks ago.

I can't have this postponed - I'm looking forward to it too much for it to not happen at the last minute.

A light at the end of the tunnel.

The work thing that has been ongoing for pretty much the whole of this year looks like it has finally been resolved and I think we have a bit of a result in the outcome - very much more positive than  I had hoped.

Hopefully that should mean a lot less stress which is a relief not just to me, but KfW2 as well. I've been a little concerned about how she's been handling things recently, and this news should be a load off her own mind.

Something else to perk me up

So, I am starting to feel a little jaded and woman issues (or the lack of one) is annoying me again. So, here's Scottie Thompson from some absolute guff.

*Huge Sigh*

Another thing that did come from the chat with KfW2 early last week, apart from GB seeing me as her big brother, was that she has it in her head that I've agreed to try online dating again. Now, I don't know where she got that idea from because I've said to her a few times when we've been talking about my experiences that it really crippled my confidence and I don't think I'm mentally cut out for it. Unless I was horrendously drunk or she was offering me rewards that would make it very worth my while, I find it hard to believe that I would ever have agreed to do it again, even with direct female help (KfW2 wants to write my profile).

The thing is, despite being adamant to USHW and DSC on this very subject, this year has been so tough, mentally, that I am actually considering it. I need something positive to happen.

Ch-ch-changes.

CH has already made changes to next week's plans. Instead of meeting her friend and going out with her, it looks like she's trying to organise a proper night out of her own. She text me yesterday to say that all the arrangements had been made from her perspective and, barring the apocalypse, would be out.

She then asked should I would arrange it or should she? I'm gonna leave this one with her, I think, but it looks like GM, GB, KfW2 and a few others are probably going to be added to the list.

Hmmm...

The conversation with KfW2 has stuttered to a halt, mainly because of the work thing that has been an issue this week. We had gotten to a point where KfW2 had mentioned that GB sees me as her big brother, though that's not really the impression I got at the start of the year after her utter uselessness at talking to MFF and several drunken, barbed comments around March and April on trips to the pub.

While part of me still thinks that there is something being hidden from me regarding CB, I kinda came to the conclusion that it doesn't matter. I think I'll just assume that no conversation took place between MFF and CB. If I do manage to see CB out and about and I do end up talking to her, then I'm just going to see where it goes.

In other news, QC1 has been in touch again and we've arranged a lunch date. Coincidentally (not), AM has also been in touch, apologising for her lack of contact and suggesting a lunch date, but I know that her and QC1 have been talking. Sigh.

And finally, CH has suggested that we meet for a drink next week. She'll be out with one of her friends, so I've no idea if this means she'll invite me out with them or she'll sneak off for a quick drink, as she was ready to do a few weeks ago. Chances are, something will come up and she won't come out at all...

...--...

I had big plans for Monday - start a conversation with KfW2 that might lead to some resolution over a few factors that have been playing on my mind recently. And, you know what? I did start the conversation. However, I made a complete hash of it so it's very much a work-in-progress rather than being done and dusted. (Something that USHW predicted quite accurately - sometimes I appear to overestimate my friends' inquisitiveness).

In other news, out of the blue, QC1 text me and asked for a lunch date with her and AM... AM who hasn't replied to either a Facebook message or a text message asking for a lunch date. Undoubtedly, this will be all done under QC1's terms, which is why it's been so long since we had a lunch date - every time I suggest something QC1 has to have a counter-suggestion that she simply cannot change and that means dates, restaurants etc. If she wasn't cute with nice tits, I might have given up caring long ago.

Also, speaking of cute girls and platonic dates, I still haven't heard anything from QC2 despite leaving a few text/Facebook messages. Is it time to call it a day? I'd be sad if that were the case - she's been a good friend to me over the past 21 years and even though we only see each other a few times a year, it's still nice to chat.

Again, on Monday, out of the blue, GB sent an invite to me, KfW2 and CH for a social night at hers. Obviously all husbands etc. are allowed, but I can't summon the enthusiasm to go. I've not yet committed, though KfW2 has and CH is seeing what her husband's availability is like. I guess it's something else to chat to KfW2 about, though this is semi-related to the stuff I'm going through at the minute with her as well and kinda goes back to comments I've made in the past about GB muscling in on her male friends' female friends - CH is a friend of GM and KfW2 is very much my friend.

Something to perk me up.

Today's posts haven't been that cheery, so to make up for it, here's a picture of that lovely Rachel Riley off Countdown who has managed to post a word that F loved to hear in my accent.

Girl who suits short hair? Check.

Figure hugging dress? Check.

Intelligent? Check.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines"

After my chat with USHW yesterday and my post this morning that had me optimistic, I've been hit with an overwhelming sense of "meh". I've spent the entire afternoon questioning whether or not I should open up to KfW2 about CB and everything around it. I've even spent some time wondering if I should open up to KfW2 about CH - not about my own feelings, but about CH's behaviour. This is all on top of a lot of things that have happened over the summer including the death of a friend, KfW2's recent medical issue and the ongoing work thing.

I've made a post recently about this. Emotionally, I'm drained and it manifests itself in this way every now and again. But there's nothing really to do apart from seeing it through. KfW2 herself is fine, as far as I can tell, but part of me is still a little concerned. While supposedly coming to a close within the next few weeks, the work thing is completely out of my hands and is being handled in a very cloak-and-dagger way. I think the time for getting an introduction to CB (at least through MFF) has long passed, but talking to KfW2 about GB may see another friendship crumble this year (it looks like DSC has already fallen by the wayside).

I just need something good to happen, and soon. Part of me wants that thing to be closure of some description on the CB thing, part of me is still unhappy that it's something I keep dwelling on, probably because she is really cute and at one point, meeting her was something that could have realistically happened. The work thing would be good, but I feel that given how this year has gone already, the best solution is just to meet someone, romantically speaking. Apart from putting myself in the situation to meet new people, that's also out of my hands.

And around we go... again.

I was hoping to have a conversation with KfW2 last week on our semi-impromptu night out, but she invited along a friend of hers, so the twenty minutes of "privacy" that I thought we were going to have never happened. While the conversation itself did veer around to dating briefly and online dating, we didn't stay on it long enough for me to ask my questions about GB and the whole CB/MFF thing.

Having had a long conversation with USHW yesterday, we have formulated a half plan about bringing this up in conversation. I'm still useless at bringing up things in conversation that I want to talk about and I'm struggling to figure out why this is the case with KfW2. I have no issues with USHW, though she's probably the only one that I feel completely comfortable talking to and she's been very supportive and non-judgemental over the whole CB thing this year (thanks USHW).

I don't know whether I am going to go through with the conversation though. Part of me thinks that there's no way I should still be thinking about CB this much, though the lack of closure is always an issue to me. When you factor in CH's recent "rumours" and GB's own uselessness, there are potentially questions to be asked, the answers to which could lead to something being made public that I don't want to hear.

• Why did it take GB two months to ask MFF about CB?
• Why have CH and KfW2 not been more inquisitive about the outcome, knowing how keen I was for this to happen at the start of the year?
• Is there something that's being hidden from me regarding that?
• If so, why and what is it?

So, I have to decide if my embarrassment (I'm not sure if that's the right word here but it will do) at still thinking about CB is going to override my frustration at not knowing what went on and getting the answers to the questions I have and, hopefully, just closing that off completely.

Reminiscing.

It's a damp, miserable Wednesday night. Liverpool are playing Manchester United - it's on the TV behind me. While I'm having a somewhat weird conversation with USHW about my female friends' hairstyles, prompted by a picture of CB, what has just popped into my head is a night, around twenty years ago, spent with CAB.

It was a damp, miserable Wednesday night. Liverpool were playing Manchester United, and we were sat in a quiet corner of a cosy pub, just having gotten rid of one of CAB's friends, having a chat and a bit of a smooch. It was our regular weeknight haunt when we had a date - our living arrangements at that time meant we had to meet close to mutually acceptable bus routes. We found the quiet corner our first week, the blind spot in the mirror from the barman in the second and, well, we enjoyed ourselves any time we were in until we broke up.

I remember CAB being a great kisser and tasting great. I know that can't be true as CAB was a smoker, but it has been a while, and I was a bit of a social smoker at the time myself. Still am, in fact.

The bar no longer exists, sadly.

Here we go again...

Every year, around this time, we usually have an impromptu night out. That's going to be this Thursday, but already numbers are dropping. GB cried off today, but that's really not a concern to me - the MFF/CB thing has really had more of a negative impact on our friendship than I had originally thought. I'm certainly far less tolerant of her tardiness and whining than I used to be and that's all because of that one incident.

What I am concerned about is that CH has yet to commit, though I am expecting her not to come out (though I do want to get her out and drunk to see what happens after the shenanigans a few weeks ago), and KfW2 who had said she was definitely coming out, might have to cancel due to something her son is doing. These nights out are never rowdy affairs and never really busy - usually around six to eight people - so three people not turning up will put a huge dent in the numbers.

It'll probably only end up with me, FP and S.

Oh la la!

Catching up on "Community" over the weekend, I happened to be quite taken by Lauren Stamile.

Here she is dressed as Robin Hood in the aforementioned "Community" episode. She's very foxy, don't you agree? Pity you don't see the full costume in this.

There is also a remarkable (and I should emphasise that... REMARKABLE) KfW2 similarity.