Something to perk me up.

Today's posts haven't been that cheery, so to make up for it, here's a picture of that lovely Rachel Riley off Countdown who has managed to post a word that F loved to hear in my accent.

Girl who suits short hair? Check.

Figure hugging dress? Check.

Intelligent? Check.

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines"

After my chat with USHW yesterday and my post this morning that had me optimistic, I've been hit with an overwhelming sense of "meh". I've spent the entire afternoon questioning whether or not I should open up to KfW2 about CB and everything around it. I've even spent some time wondering if I should open up to KfW2 about CH - not about my own feelings, but about CH's behaviour. This is all on top of a lot of things that have happened over the summer including the death of a friend, KfW2's recent medical issue and the ongoing work thing.

I've made a post recently about this. Emotionally, I'm drained and it manifests itself in this way every now and again. But there's nothing really to do apart from seeing it through. KfW2 herself is fine, as far as I can tell, but part of me is still a little concerned. While supposedly coming to a close within the next few weeks, the work thing is completely out of my hands and is being handled in a very cloak-and-dagger way. I think the time for getting an introduction to CB (at least through MFF) has long passed, but talking to KfW2 about GB may see another friendship crumble this year (it looks like DSC has already fallen by the wayside).

I just need something good to happen, and soon. Part of me wants that thing to be closure of some description on the CB thing, part of me is still unhappy that it's something I keep dwelling on, probably because she is really cute and at one point, meeting her was something that could have realistically happened. The work thing would be good, but I feel that given how this year has gone already, the best solution is just to meet someone, romantically speaking. Apart from putting myself in the situation to meet new people, that's also out of my hands.

And around we go... again.

I was hoping to have a conversation with KfW2 last week on our semi-impromptu night out, but she invited along a friend of hers, so the twenty minutes of "privacy" that I thought we were going to have never happened. While the conversation itself did veer around to dating briefly and online dating, we didn't stay on it long enough for me to ask my questions about GB and the whole CB/MFF thing.

Having had a long conversation with USHW yesterday, we have formulated a half plan about bringing this up in conversation. I'm still useless at bringing up things in conversation that I want to talk about and I'm struggling to figure out why this is the case with KfW2. I have no issues with USHW, though she's probably the only one that I feel completely comfortable talking to and she's been very supportive and non-judgemental over the whole CB thing this year (thanks USHW).

I don't know whether I am going to go through with the conversation though. Part of me thinks that there's no way I should still be thinking about CB this much, though the lack of closure is always an issue to me. When you factor in CH's recent "rumours" and GB's own uselessness, there are potentially questions to be asked, the answers to which could lead to something being made public that I don't want to hear.

• Why did it take GB two months to ask MFF about CB?
• Why have CH and KfW2 not been more inquisitive about the outcome, knowing how keen I was for this to happen at the start of the year?
• Is there something that's being hidden from me regarding that?
• If so, why and what is it?

So, I have to decide if my embarrassment (I'm not sure if that's the right word here but it will do) at still thinking about CB is going to override my frustration at not knowing what went on and getting the answers to the questions I have and, hopefully, just closing that off completely.

Reminiscing.

It's a damp, miserable Wednesday night. Liverpool are playing Manchester United - it's on the TV behind me. While I'm having a somewhat weird conversation with USHW about my female friends' hairstyles, prompted by a picture of CB, what has just popped into my head is a night, around twenty years ago, spent with CAB.

It was a damp, miserable Wednesday night. Liverpool were playing Manchester United, and we were sat in a quiet corner of a cosy pub, just having gotten rid of one of CAB's friends, having a chat and a bit of a smooch. It was our regular weeknight haunt when we had a date - our living arrangements at that time meant we had to meet close to mutually acceptable bus routes. We found the quiet corner our first week, the blind spot in the mirror from the barman in the second and, well, we enjoyed ourselves any time we were in until we broke up.

I remember CAB being a great kisser and tasting great. I know that can't be true as CAB was a smoker, but it has been a while, and I was a bit of a social smoker at the time myself. Still am, in fact.

The bar no longer exists, sadly.

Here we go again...

Every year, around this time, we usually have an impromptu night out. That's going to be this Thursday, but already numbers are dropping. GB cried off today, but that's really not a concern to me - the MFF/CB thing has really had more of a negative impact on our friendship than I had originally thought. I'm certainly far less tolerant of her tardiness and whining than I used to be and that's all because of that one incident.

What I am concerned about is that CH has yet to commit, though I am expecting her not to come out (though I do want to get her out and drunk to see what happens after the shenanigans a few weeks ago), and KfW2 who had said she was definitely coming out, might have to cancel due to something her son is doing. These nights out are never rowdy affairs and never really busy - usually around six to eight people - so three people not turning up will put a huge dent in the numbers.

It'll probably only end up with me, FP and S.

Oh la la!

Catching up on "Community" over the weekend, I happened to be quite taken by Lauren Stamile.

Here she is dressed as Robin Hood in the aforementioned "Community" episode. She's very foxy, don't you agree? Pity you don't see the full costume in this.

There is also a remarkable (and I should emphasise that... REMARKABLE) KfW2 similarity.

Say something...

Since I awoke this morning, I've really wanted to post something. I don't have anything to say though, beyond having a few topics that are on the tip of my tongue but I can't grasp them enough to make them into something worth posting about.

Maybe it's just a general malaise. I could do with a quiet day, doing nothing but chilling, but I've a family thing to do.

Happy talking.

Sometimes it seems recently that chats, especially with CH or KfW2 have all been for a purpose... there's not been a lot of chat where it was possible just to kick back and see where it went. A few nights ago however, I did have such a chat with USHW.

We used to have them all the time - long rambling conversations that had no agenda and just went wherever they may, and it was nice to have another, to chill out and relax and not have any of the stuff that's been bothering me in mind.

It did start to get a bit silly towards the end, mainly because I had been swigging beers for the majority of the night, but apart from tiredness the next day, it was well worth it.

Good news?

She looked at me, a quizzical smile on her lips. I could tell she was happy, but it was the look on her face more than anything else. Her brown eyes shone, even through her glasses.

"She wants to kiss me" I thought to myself.

The moment passed, KfW2 returned to her seat and started typing.

An IM.

"I love you" it said with plenty of exclamation marks.

The reason for this outburst? I had received a message that indicated that the work-related problem that we've been having for the past nine or so months could have an end in sight... and possibly very soon.

My good mood was tempered somewhat an hour later when KfW2 started feeding me with information that she was getting from none other than GB, who had gone to her own source. So, I can't get GB to talk to MFF, but KfW2 only has to ask and GB is jumping through hoops? That pissed me off.

Overall though, an end to the work thing would be a massive lift for me - it's been very stressful and mentally tiring over the past few months.

Tease.

After much to-ing and fro-ing (and some might say teasing), I finally got CH to confess about the so-called rumour that she'd heard about myself and GB. She says that it was all her, no-one else was involved and she did it for a laugh just to wind me up (which succeeded to a certain extent).

I had asked KfW2 if she knew anything about it (I've mentioned before about my intrigue that neither CH or KfW2 have ever asked about MFF/CB), but she had said that she hadn't spoken to CH in a while.

Do I believe her? Well, it is plausible. She is quite mischievous in that way so it is very like something that she would do.  However, if the rumour's source wasn't GB herself as I thought it might have been (or at least had the so-called rumour had some truth in it), it would have explained a lot. With it supposedly being a complete fabrication,  it still leaves major questions hanging over GB's utter uselessness in engaging MFF regarding CB and any definitive outcome.

Let's go round again...

Whenever I think I've had enough of thinking wistfully about hooking up with CB and that I should move on, there's always something that raises its head. In an ongoing conversation with USHW this weekend we talked about the entire CB situation. More accurately, GB's role in it and the very obvious lack of effort and definitive outcome.

In addition, something else that's confusing/suspicious is the fact that both KfW2 and CH knew about MFF's friend and GB's role. KfW2 and CH are both friends with GB as well as myself, so why has neither CH nor KfW2 ever asked me how that ended? Bear in mind that they've both been very vocal recently about helping  me find women, so my relationship status is of interest to them.

Even before this weekend, I had hoped that I'd be able to get either or both of them for a chat at our next social engagement and talk through the GB thing. Ideally, that might even mean that the CB thing is back on the table, but I feel that's not going to happen without actually meeting her by myself, randomly. That's not impossible, but it's a long shot.

There is another point, though, that's literally popped back into my head. A few weeks ago, CH mentioned that someone had said something to her about me and GB. She was being very vague about it, so I don't know exactly what was said and she was also being very secretive. I should open up that line of questioning again.

Ho hum.

It's been a stressful few weeks, mainly work-related. I tried to get S and GM out tonight for a few drinks, but they're unavailable. I tried FP, but he's yet to answer (and the longer the night goes on, the less likely it is I shall go out).

Completely unlike me, I've spent most of the day dozing on and off and generally not getting up to much and I have a bit of cabin fever. The CH thing has also given me a bit of a zest for meeting people, so a night at the pub would have been nice.

It looks like it's going to be a bit of a quiet weekend though.

And just one more thing...

It was only about six weeks ago that CH was promising me that she'd spend the latter half of the year finding me a woman (though not CB for some strange reason, even though she has the contacts to get me information, what with CH being a close friend of MFF).

Now, I'm in a situation where I'm wondering (after a comment by USHW) if her contact a few nights ago was about getting together for sex (if it wasn't she seemed to be having an awful lot of trouble making a decision over nothing) and subsequently if she's still going to follow up on her "promise". Or, now that I think of it, was her "promise" actually a thinly veiled suggestion about herself? I doubt it though - anything with CH will be a one off or extremely irregular if it actually happened.

I'd like to find someone on my own, but I like the thought that my friends think enough of me that they would keep me in mind if a suitable eligible single female came along. I know that I was pleased when KfW2 was talking to me about it. I'd be even more pleased if they actually did something about it though.

Self-analysis.

Off the back of the recent CH incident and my crisis of conscience, I was wondering today what the issue was. Was it reluctance because she's married? It's certainly nothing to do with attraction - there's a fair amount of lust there. Was it something else?

The longer today has gone on, the more I'm convinced that it's less about her married status and more about her friend status (though definitely both in combination in some ratio). I've turned down friends before. I turned down E3 even though she's an attractive woman, mainly because I wouldn't be looking a relationship with her and didn't want fallout from having a few one night stands/something very casual. There were a few others too - a mutual friend of AM and QC1, as one example.

Maybe I just don't think it's worth the risk and the fallout.

It's also worth noting that I was excited about heading out to meet CH - the kind of excitement/nerves/trepidation that I only seem to get when girls are involved. The last time I had that feeling in my stomach was when GB finally admitted that she'd spoken to MFF about CB and before that, I don't recall anything since RB... not even Date No. 1 provoked that kind of response - she was more of a slow burner.

FFS?

I was swapping text messages with CH earlier this evening, teasing her about getting drunk at a friend's party. Nothing more or less than my normal teasing, but I demanded that she made more of an effort to get drunk.

Suddenly, the conversation took a very strange turn when CH timidly kinda asked if we should meet up. I sent a few more messages and made a bit of an innuendo to which she responded extremely favourably.

Also, USHW was on hand to supply a female perspective, though somewhat unusually, I was actually on the ball with this one. We both agreed that it looked like CH was at least considering something beyond a drink and I've explained on here the flirting we've done in the past and the undoubted chemistry. I had mentioned to USHW that I didn't know what to do... that I'd happily meet her for a drink, but I don't know what would happen if anything else happened. It's a crisis of conscience that I've had a few times, but I was having this quite unnecessarily because CH had yet to suggest meeting up and I wasn't asking her to leave her party. I think that's my bloke etiquette at work.

We swapped a few more messages before she asked outright if we should meet. I responded positively after encouragement from USHW and asked for a venue. After all, CH is good company, we spark off each other really well and I am attracted to her, in a lust kind of way. Also, I was bored and am looking for anything to do to get me out of the house during the week. This conversation we were having was different to anything we've had before, so I was intrigued by what she actually wanted and if it was anything more than her wanting away from the party for half an hour (which was what she had admitted).

After I agreed to meet her for a drink, it all went quiet. I prompted her for a response and she said she'd be in contact soon. It was fully an hour and a half after she made the initial suggestion before she was in contact gain... this time voicing concerns. She's always had reservations about, well, something. Ages ago, shortly after we met, she'd made comments about my friendship and closeness with KfW2 (I assumed it's an issue with a single man having a close friendship with a woman in a relationship), so even without there being any shenanigans on the cards, this may well have been an issue for her.

Personally, this is not an issue to me - I have plenty of female friends who I often meet up with - QC2 and KfW2 are probably the two most talked about here, though admittedly there's never usually an undercurrent of sexual tension. She continued to voice reservations until I forced the issue and demanded she just name somewhere.

That's when she decided to go home and I got angry. I didn't get angry because she went home... I got angry because I've been sitting here for over two hours expecting to nip out for a quick drink with someone who's good company... it's the two hours. If she'd suggested meeting then changed her mind quickly, that's fine - at least I'm not left hanging for the most part of an evening.

Now I'm sitting here annoyed, in the mood for a beer, somewhat horny and frustrated.

Here we go again.

On Friday night, NSU was asking me if I was in a relationship. I said that I wasn't and mentioned something in passing about having been single for a while. NSU got the bit between her teeth and started talking about getting me to do online dating and how she could create a brilliant profile. My statements about being reasonably happy single fell on deaf ears (another warning sign about NSU) and she continued to go on about online dating for probably a full twenty minutes. To shut her up, I might have embellished the truth a little and exaggerated a little on how much dating I've done - I said that I was happy meeting people but felt under no obligation to do so just because society says so.

"What happens if you get to seventy and you still haven't found someone?" she asked.

"Then I'll have had a good life" was my reply.

But it rammed home again the fact that I'm currently unhappy being single. I've admitted as much to KfW2 and USHW, but I'm not getting into personal things with someone I've only spoken to a few times and someone who has already shown that they won't listen.

On top of the realisation that it's not been a great year, this is stronger than ever and it's something I am going to have to address. USHW will no doubt remind me about speed dating (which I haven't ruled out or tried yet, I just need someone to go along with) and now that GM's back on the market after a failed reconciliation with an ex of his, maybe we can do something about it, socially speaking

Cleanliness is next to a pain in the ass.

We have a new housemate. I'm going to call her NSU because she never shuts up - she always has a story to tell or something to say. Bearing in mind, I am completely the opposite and sometimes you have to drag conversation from me, then this isn't going to end well.

Regardless, NSU has been in about a week. She's made many, many references to the fact that she's clean and tidy. I consider myself to be clean and tidy, but it's obvious that the flat is only "boy tidy". Arguably it should be better but seeing as UF and MfW haven't lifted a finger since we originally moved in (MfW claims, rather childishly, that he never did anything because UF never did), I wasn't going to do a complete clean and tidy of the place every two weeks, so certain things were neglected.

Well, NSU decided yesterday that she was going to clean the kitchen. That's not a big thing - it could have done with it. What I didn't realise was that the clean up was going to take nearly six or seven hours and that every single item in the kitchen would get a rub down (and I mean everything).

The kitchen is now spotless, fair play to her, but she's moved about 99% of the stuff we had in the kitchen, seemingly to fit in with whatever logic she has and everything now has a place in a cupboard. Lots of stuff has been thrown out and half the stuff that I have in the kitchen now requires a ten-minute hunt.

Seemingly she has an issue with stuff being visible so if it's not anchored down, it's been tidied away. Literally, the only two things left standing are the microwave and the kettle. The toaster's gone, bottles of cooking oil, juice, stuff on high shelves etc. that we had no space for elsewhere have all been put into cupboards.

I used the toaster and the bread board this morning and they've been put back to where they lived, pre-NSU.

I've no qualms about NSU wanting the place to be cleaner, but arbitrarily reorganising a kitchen that's worked well for the in-situ housemates for well over two years without a question or comment is, quite frankly, taking the piss. Doubly so when you consider that she claims she's only going to be here at most four nights a week.

That seems to be her personality though. This needs to be watched.

Have a break... have a...

I know it's a bit early for a review of the year with practically four full months still to go, but a lot has happened and, quite frankly, I'm mentally exhausted. It started off well with the potential of meeting CB and plenty of positive encouragement from GM and GB... but that all soon dissipated, at least from GB as she was fucking useless and it's something I still haven't fully forgiven her for.

There were changes at work, for the worse, and that's something I still have to battle on a daily basis. There may be an end in sight, but people are being very cagey about it, and that hasn't stopped the past six months from being extremely tough, stressful and frustrating, work-wise.

Over the summer, I've had a foreign holiday, KfW2 got married, I had a close friend's death, G's wife has a serious illness that currently being treated, KfW2 has had a rather serious medical issue and I feel that my friendship with DSC has run its course - she threw a huff before I went away in July and she's not been in contact since. I simply cannot be arsed to contact her myself - I don't need the drama, whining and the other stuff. There's also been the issue of having to replace UF and a couple of other house-related issues that were completely unnecessary.

There's still four months to go and the negatives have greatly outweighed the positives though some things could turn around - I still, against my better judgement, hold out a little hope that I will manage an introduction to CB, but the rest of it is starting to take its toll, mentally.

It's not stress or depression, it's just mental fatigue. I think that I need another holiday.

Bloody weather.

I am off work tomorrow for a much needed day off, but I'm bored sitting in the house. I was going to go out, hit a few bars on my own, have a few drinks and maybe buy a pack of cigarettes and smoke them, just to get out of the house and try and stop thinking about a few personal/work things that are currently going on.

Except, for the first time in ages, it's fucking lashing down.

There goes that plan! Just have to wait until tomorrow night when I am supposedly out with FP. And just as I am about to hit "publish", KfW2 texts to complain about the weather. It's freaky how much we're on the same wavelength.

Winter blues.

I don't know if I've ever been entirely clear about the work-related stuff that's been going on over the past few months. I'm conscious that being detailed will pretty much identify me and even though the blog itself only gets the odd fleeting visitor and no-one really is a repeat guest, part of me wants to protect my anonymity as much as possible.

However, the work thing involves a clash of personalities between a manager and many people on our department. To put it bluntly, this manager is borderline incompetent at his job and appears to be using his position to advance his career rather than actually manage the people he's in charge of.

That's meant elevated stress levels for the past few months on top of the normal stuff (it can get stressful in my job, but only in bursts when deadlines come up) and going beyond that, it's harder to go into work in the morning. Previously, the team got along well with each other, there was a fair bit of laughter and banter around and the guys sitting directly around me are always good for a conversation and any old nonsense.

We were all hoping that this management issue would come to a head around the end of June - there was a specific reason for this and we all had a high level of confidence in the outcome. For reasons that I can't really explain, that never happened and the problems continue.

After a conversation with KfW2 earlier, my hopes sank even further. The more senior management are fully aware of what's going on and how people are currently feeling, but they've stated categorically that there is no imminent solution, if there ever will be one. Their priority seems to be this one person - they think this is something that can be trained out of him rather than simply a personality issue and a now lack of trust.

Personally speaking, though I imagine everyone else feels the same way, this is going to impact my happiness, my stress and potentially my career and potential pay rise as well. I don't see the next few months having too many bright spots.