Random musings.

Years ago, I can remember low-waist jeans being a big thing for girls, then for the trend to become high-waist jeans.

Was this around 2008? I seem to remember RB wearing low-waist jeans on our dates, but when I bumped into her six  months later, she was wearing high waist jeans.

I loved that trend. I wish they'd make a comeback.

Sigh.

I had a few beers last night and hoped for some sleep. I didn't sleep particularly well last week, waiting for the results of the job interview to come in then, when they did and it wasn't the result that I wanted, I lost sleep mulling over the outcome.

I slept well last night, though I woke early this morning after an x-rated dream that has left me frustrated all day long.

Literally speaking.

The first thing my sister said to me a few days ago was:

"Have you been tested for Asperger's?"

I know that it's something that's been sitting at the back of my mind for a few years now, but that's not the first time it's been suggested.

It was also suggested to me by an old school friend at our school reunion a good few years ago now. I joked around it at the time, but it had already been something that I'd thought about.

I had mentioned it to FBS as well, but couldn't put my finger on why I thought that way. She disagreed with my theory and I kinda left it at that. While she's not a medical professional, I believe that she's trained to look for the signs of things like that.

But I can't figure if my sister was joking or not...

Urgh.

The feedback from HR has knocked me for six. It shouldn't have. It's exactly the feedback I would have expected. I've long had the fear that, by being self-taught, my ability to communicate technically in interviews would be limited and that seems to be the issue here.

I've said it to KfW2 and CC before but they have pooh-poohed that suggestion.

It seems to be something that's been common recently where I express something - a fear, a suggestion etc only to be told "oh no, you'll be fine".

I'm not one for going for the sympathy vote by crying "woe is me". If I say that I have concerns about something, I really mean it. If I am confident about something, I'll say that.

It's a little sad that CC and KfW2 haven't recognised or remembered that.

So, if I am going to put myself forward for similar interviews in the future, I need to brush up on my classroom definitions of things. Which means time spent after work reading up on work-related stuff. Sigh.

It's difficult enough at the moment - I'm mentally fatigued with work as it stands, but needs must.

Sigh.

I met with a representative from HR to talk about my recent interview, to get some feedback and pointers for future interviews.

I had thought that the interview had gone reasonably well - not brilliantly but certainly not a disaster either.

The feedback told me otherwise.

It was a disaster. The interviewer was questioning my knowledge of the very thing I do on a day to day basis, which is massively concerning to me (and goes back to the mini panic attack I had a few weeks ago around another interview).

And there was some criticism of my ability to do something that I was meant to have learned on the job.

"He was lacking in his ability to do X, which we were going to teach any successful candidate."

I mean, wtf?

Happy anniversary?

Out of nowhere, Sports Girl messaged me on Facebook.

Well, not exactly nowhere... it was our 4th Facebook anniversary apparently. It was also my 4th Facebook anniversary with Foreign Girl as well.

Both attractive, mad women. One's bad mad, the other good mad. Or good mad until you start dating her, who knows?

Show me...

I'm still waiting on the news about the job... I had expected to come into the office today to an email, but it wasn't to be.

I also had a chat with a boss about a salary review but that, perhaps unsurprisingly, was very negative. He contradicted himself a few times when trying to tell me it was based on performance, but then at other times was based on responsibilities/behaviours. Almost my entire argument is based on that latter fact.

Still, he ended up making me second guess myself, but he did say that he would escalate for me. I just need to finish off my evidence - a three page document - and send it to him tomorrow.

It's not got a lot of chance for success... single figure percent at best, but I got to at least try.

Make it rain.

Tuesday is going to be interesting. I'm hoping to have word on the job I was assessed for earlier this week, and I'm obviously hoping that it's positive.

Regardless, after speaking with one of GM's ex-girlfriends a month ago, I had a plan of attack about requesting a pay review. I sent an email to a manager on Friday (I had asked to speak to him face-to-face, but he was in meetings all day) asking for some time on Tuesday to talk about it.

Regardless of the outcome of the job interview, I fully expect my boss to still start this process. After all, even if I do get this new job, I am still his employee until such time as I can move on to my new role.

Knowing me, knowing EU.

Even after Theresa May's deal was, once again, voted down by a considerable margin in the House of Commons last night, I had to post this to express my frustration. It will, in no way, scratch the surface of the past three years, but it will give an indication of what I see as serious, fundamental flaws in our society.

• I am a Remainer.
• I think the benefits of EU membership outweigh the disadvantages
• I don't think the EU is perfect
• The EU will continue to exist and thrive if we leave
• We're better in it than out of it but, more importantly, we can effect change from within. We cannot do that from the outside.
• A large number of the issues being attributed to the EU by Leavers and the Leave campaigns are actually the fault of subsequent UK governments
• Whether we like it or not, the world is moving towards globalisation. Agreements, treaties, deals are all part and parcel of modern life. We refuse to take part, we lose out.

Where did it go wrong?

There may be other concerns, but I see five main problems with Brexit and the referendum:

• The result was too close to call. 52 to 48 percent is a tiny amount in the grand scheme of things for something as impactful as Brexit.
• The referendum was advisory only, not legally binding
• The UK government invoked Article 50 without having a clear, detailed plan of what it wanted to achieve
• The whole Brexit process should have been conducted as a cross-party initiative instead of being solely the UK government/Conservatives.
• The lack of accountability is astounding. Lies told in the House of Commons are not called out. The media isn't asking the influencers any difficult questions. Theresa May is bringing the same deal back to the House time after time.

At this stage I should say that I think it's possible to have a Brexit that isn't harmful to the UK, but it requires a longer-term plan than a few years. That's something we don't do in the UK, politically. Had we spent a good few years mapping out the leaving process BEFORE invoking Article 50, with a cross-party committee so everyone is represented, then we could have done something properly that would appeal to more people.

So then we get into my frustrations of what's happened, not happened or been said over the past three years:

"The will of the people"

The referendum result was close to 50:50. Yes, one side "won", but to go full tilt into something without any due diligence (i.e. invoking A50) for "the will of the people" is just wrong. That's a phrase that's only used for a significant majority. I'm throwing figures out there, but say greater than sixty percent. Since then, almost half the voters (and about a third of the UK's population) has simply been consigned to the bin. We're not people any more, we're traitors, Remoaners etc. Our point of view is no longer considered.

"You had your vote!"

The referendum must be respected is a common quote. Theresa May has used something along those lines herself, as if people cannot change their mind. And you have to expect that, if the referendum was run right now, that the result might be different given the closeness of the numbers last time and more detailed information at hand. And yet that smacks of hypocrisy from May. We cannot vote again on whether to leave, but we've already had TWO votes on her own Brexit deal that have been voted down by HUGE numbers in the House of Commons with whispers that she might even consider a third Meaningful Vote.

There is now massive evidence that we'll be worse off after Brexit (and disastrously worse off in a No Deal scenario)

Some figures I saw this morning stated that imported clothing (in general) could rise by 15%, imported food could rise by 40%. We could be forced to adopt American food standards that are much lower than our current standards from the EU (look at American stats for salmonella deaths versus the EU's).  We're currently protected by being a member of the EU in terms of what appears to be small, albeit impactful things like mobile roaming charges, visa charges for visiting EU countries.

The uncertainty of Brexit and/or No Deal has already cost the country millions, if not billions of pounds.

Manufacturing companies that rely on JIT (just in time) supplies are moving away or closing down. Brexit hasn't even happened yet. People are already losing their jobs due to closures and relocation. The damage may never be repaired.

Brexit has the potential to be dangerous.

JIT is also a massive concern for the NHS - a lot of our pharmaceuticals are brought in on this basis. The current estimate for a lot of medication is we have a few weeks worth of stuff on hand at any  one time. Any increase on  the amount of time it takes cargo to get into the country (any kind of Brexit will increase this), will have serious repercussions.

Note I said potential here. This is not Project Fear, this is a valid concern as issued by the NHS themselves. Unless we figure this out beforehand,  then people's health could be at risk.

Immigration will not change.

The UK needs immigration to function, to fill jobs that we cannot fill ourselves. Closing off EU immigration only gives rise to non-EU immigration. Other countries will ask for preferential immigration treatment for its citizens as part of any trade deal. The failings around UK immigration over the past ten, twenty years has been the government's, not the EU's.

I could go on, but it concerns me a great deal that statistics and facts mean nothing and sound bites and feelings have more strength and influence on something as important and potentially destructive/beneficial (depending on your point of view).

Cookies!

Ooof. I treated myself to some chocolate chip cookies after a visit to the dentist today (I've been a very good boy).

Only problem is that I made a cup of tea and have eaten all of the cookies.

Urgh.

Pants on fire.

Sigh. Watching Theresa May lie again in the House of Commons (why is this allowed, why can't someone call her out on it?) led me to finding this little website:

https://euworthit.uk/

How much do you pay to the EU through your taxes?

Personally, I'm a Remainer. I think the benefits we get from being a member of the EU far outweigh any disadvantages plus we have the benefit of making changes from within where the UK has always been a driving force.

If I have any energy left later, I might make a more in-depth post on this. But I am so, so tired.

Back in the saddle (Part 2).

After last week's interview disaster, what I needed was another opportunity to do an interview. That quick arrived (see my last post) in the form of an assessment for a role I was quite interested in.

It was less interview-y and more chatty and hands-on, so I didn't think that there'd be a repeat performance of what happened last week.

And I was right. Despite having the whole weekend to ponder the assessment and sitting in the office all morning twiddling my thumbs, waiting for the start time to come round, I was only mildly apprehensive.

Part of that was having two work friends talk me through some aspects of the actual job and giving me good advice and feedback. I was also prepared by having done some online training and having at least a high level knowledge of the expectations.

And the ninety minutes went really quickly, even though we faced technical issues at the start, had to find a new room to do the exercise and several video conferencing calls interrupted us during the actual evaluation.

I should find out by the end of this week or early next week if I have been successful. I can't predict this as I have no yardstick for this kind of thing, but I feel that it wasn't a disaster. My problem solving could have been better but I thought my communication was OK. Overall, I think it was all right. However, for all I know, it could have been brilliant.

Sigh.

Years ago, shortly before KfW2 was due to be married, I admitted to USHW that I didn't know how I was feeling. While I was happy for KfW2, I really enjoyed what we had going as friends at that time. We saw plenty of each other outside of work and all was well.

That was going to change, I suggested to USHW. KfW2 had spoken about adding to her family with her husband-to-be, and out whole dynamic would change. I predicted that it would be sooner rather than later, as well. I don't like change, especially when it means a change for the worst (at least from my perspective).

USHW said something, I can't remember the exact words, but it was along the lines that we would still be friends, even if things did change. And that did help.

But today marks the second anniversary of the last time KfW2 and myself had an adult night out, just the two of us. We have spent time in each other's company, just the two of us, but it's fleeting moments between for example, putting her kids to bed and her husband coming home. Or walking to work.

We were due to have a night out pencilled in at the end of this month, but that needed changed as she now has a family thing to go to.

So now it's rearranged for early next month. For now.

Back in the saddle.

OK, so I'm feeling much better after yesterday. Despite KfW2's prediction, I'm not regretting cancelling the interview, but that might have something to do with the fact I have another job opportunity in the pipeline.

It's slightly different this time. It's not an interview, but rather an assessment. How good is my communication - can I articulate how I go about solving problems?

I'm not bad at it. I should have enough skill to be able to show I can grow into the stuff required of me.

We'll have to see how the nerves hold up though, but it's another opportunity soon after the clusterfuck that was my mental state 24 hours ago.

Failure.

So, it kinda all fell apart. Days of stress and worry, on top of a days long headache and additional stomach problems culminated in me chatting to one of the guys who were going to interview me to tell him that I was withdrawing my application.

I cited some personal reasons alongside some apprehension around the professional side. All of which were true.

If I am being honest part of me had hoped that the interviewer would talk me out of it, but while he was very understanding, he made no attempt to change my mind.

In reality, my concerns about my memory alongside my stress turned into panic. By 11 AM this morning I was quite literally worried sick. The interview was at 3 PM. I simply couldn't wait it out and even if I could have, I would be in no state to actually do the interview, never mind do well.

KfW2 was livid. CC was more understanding.

Once I had chatted with the interviewer, my immediate panic lessened, but the headache and stomach issues remained. It was tea time before my appetite came back, though my stomach and head were still sore.

Will I end up regretting my decision today? I honestly don't know. Will the same thing happen the next time I have an interview? If I do nothing, then maybe. However, I can begin prepartion now. Create a source of interview answers so that I am not scrambling the next time, read over it frequently so it's second nature. That way, I can reduce the stress.

I've also, as persuaded by KfW2, arrange to see my GP about my stomach issues and I'm considering raising the memory stuff.

It's been a tough day.

Sigh.

I'm really concerned about this interview now. I've managed to get my hands on a set of sample questions that I may be asked and I have serious concerns about if I can answer them... The thing is, these aren't even the technical questions that I do fear. It's the expected interview type questions - "Name a time when you..."

For a lot of them, I know I've had the experiences they're looking for me to describe... I just can't remember them, or remember them in any detail.

And that's what scares me - the not remembering.

I've always taken pride in my ability to remember, but I know that's been ebbing away a lot. I have difficulty remembering words, for starters. Dates, too, are gone.

I am wholly unprepared for the interview both from a professional perspective and a personal perspective.

I'm stressed about it, I'm fairly sure tonight will be sleepless and I will worry to the point of being ill tomorrow.

I want to email the guy and say that I withdraw my application, but I need the interview experience if I am to leave my current role. And I really want to leave my current role.

Eeeeek.

The upcoming job interview is scaring me, even though I have resigned myself to not getting the job. I believe that the technical questions will throw me, but as I've never done a technical interview before, I have no idea what to expect.

I've spent the past few hours brushing up on the basics - put together a sheet of buzzwords and phrases and their definitions. I can talk about lots of things around my job, in a high-level way, but get down into the nitty-gritty detail and I'm lost.

As I said in a previous post, being self-taught, I know that I need to do various things to get them to work rather than understand why I need to do them, and that's where I think I'll fail. Which is weird because I'm expecting the detail of the interview to focus on a small part of what my job actually is.

I'm more concerned that I will be more embarrassed by being totally clueless about the detail/classroom definitions of things than about not actually getting the job. I'm also concerned that I'm wasting my time - that I'm preparing for the wrong thing.

As I previously posted, while I don't like this uncertainty, it will give me something to aim for in other interviews.

Maybe I need to consider something new, something that requires cross-training so that an interview will be about me and how I do things rather than my detailed knowledge of a specific topic.

Ooops!

It's bonus month and my bank account is, briefly, fuller than usual. Most of it won't be spent on anything "fun" - I'll end up clearing credit cards, but I've treated myself to a takeaway tonight. KFC. Not your normal takeaway, but Deliveroo offer deliveries from there and a KFC is a nice treat.

Oh, the shame though. Don't tell anyone, ok?

Thinking about stuff.

I can't remember if I've posted about it before, but in recent years I've wondered where I stand on the autism scale.

There are times where I do see some traits in myself. My sister and brother-in-law have both commented on it (though I don't know how much of that is tongue-in-cheek), but without a diagnosis, it'll only ever be guesswork. I stated my theory to FBS a while ago, but she thought I was talking nonsense.

And I'm not desperate to be diagnosed. If I am further along the spectrum than most, then I'm high-functioning to an extent. I'm certainly not as bad as my nephew or others I'm aware of.

Each time someone posts something on Facebook (like this link), I'm intrigued all over again.

Just stuff.

It's only mid-afternoon., but I feel I've been quite productive on my day off. The gutters are clean, I've had the plumber round to advise on a few things, I've filled in a couple of forms related to the plumber's advice and Tesco are due any time soon, so that's my shopping done for another while.

I might be meeting CC later for a work thing, but if not, I've beers in the fridge and an open invitation to play some online games tonight.

Sorted.

Watching

Another QC3 update!

The relationship update from a few days ago has changed. After being congratulated, QC3 has commented...

"I'm out of it now".

Another quick change of circumstances or technically challenged by Facebook?

Knowing QC3, it could equally be either...