Counting down.

Around this time of year, I'm usually pretty depressed. It's mainly loneliness. This year, though, while there is still an element of that going on, it's much less of an issue. I think it's because other things are ongoing - my housing issues should be now over - no more random flatmates to deal with - and I'm still mulling over Sports Girl.

It's been nearly two months since she first admitted some attraction. Our friendship has grown stronger in those two months, but I still want to sleep with her. I've been trying to drop hints to that effect, but I've no idea if any of them are taking hold. In fact, I've no idea if her attraction is still in place. I do know that neither of us is getting laid and that we both feel lonely at this time of year.

We hug a lot and I think her hugs are still CH-esque that, to me, indicates a certain level of non-platonic attraction. It's hard to say though when we're both sober.

I've invited her over tomorrow night for movies and beer with a cheeky promise to get her drunk. It's this kind of night that I've been waiting for - privacy, my own place, alcohol and a bed (of sorts). I've no idea if she'll come over, it'll depend on her daughter. There may be an outside chance of getting her to stay the night, with or without sex.

In a few days, It's New Year's Eve - a night I hate being alone on. I don't have to be out (though I think it's a great night to meet new people), just have company. I've already thrown a suggestion out to SG, GM and S that they've all pretty much agreed to individually, but I want to start getting confirmation. I don't want to be running around at 10PM on NYE, trying to find out what's going on.

Still, it's nice that things are a little more positive than usual at this time of year. Hooking up with Sports Girl would be a great way to end the year (or kick off a new one).

A new chapter starts.

Call it the magic of Christmas or call it the magic of alcohol or whatever you want to call it, but whatever it is, it worked.

It was the work's Xmas party and I wasn't in great form. I couldn't really put a finger on why I wasn't in great form, but there was none of the usual socialising that I tend to do during these things.

CH was very visible, pretty much being on the dancefloor from the end of the meal for a good few hours, often on her own.

I, myself, was very drunk. When talking to KfW2, the subject of CH came up. Specifically, I'd be talking to a friend of CH's (GWTNA) who'd been asking me why CH and I hadn't been dancing. When I confessed that we didn't really talk any more, that CH had fallen out with me (rather than the other way around), she was sympathetic.

"You two were good friends. You should go talk to her," she suggested.

I replied that it had crossed my mind and it was this conversation that I relayed to KfW2.

She suggested the same thing, but I was dubious. CH is a very stubborn woman, especially if she thinks she's been crossed. I didn't want to risk a full blown argument - CH could do that, I think.

So, I went about my night, messaging people, chatting and doing an awful lot of drinking.

On my way to talk to JB, I noticed CH, on her own, looking for something so I approached her as she turned around. Initially, we didn't say anything. I just hugged her. I told her that I had missed talking to her and that I'd heard her news and was so glad for her.

We spoke further - she explained that she had gone through a rough patch at the start of the year. I explained that I had too, which was why I wanted to talk to her and that I was disappointed she hadn't shared that with me. We chatted for a bit, but the important pieces had already been said. No-one really apologised, we just acknowledged the breakdown in communications and moved on. A message I sent earlier that evening, to SG I think, I think suggested that I'd never see CH again. I don't know whether this is true or not - CH's availability is always in question - but if we do, it'll be as friends.

She'd claimed that, regardless of my approaching her at the party, she had included me in her goodbye email. It's tradition in my place to send out an email to those who've made a big impact on your life/career as you move on to pastures new, and apparently I was going to be in receipt of hers, if not specifically mentioned.

GB returned to the table from dancing and was delighted that CH and I were talking again.

Also, worth point out that CH's tactility came back instantly. There were lots of kisses, back stroking and vague not-quite-arse grabbing. All the things that made nights out with CH enjoyable but frustrating.

And with that, the night ended... for about five minutes until KfW2 talked me into going to the after party. And so, the night finally concluded at 4AM, drunken and emotional (due to a conversation with KfW2 about loneliness).

Suffice to say, the next day wasn't great. I had an actual hangover for the first time in ages and the lack of sleep hit me hard (I'd been out late on the Wednesday for one of the early Star Wars screenings with SG).

I had another sleepless night last night, so I'm pretty much running on empty right now.

Cahoots.

I was right. KfW2 had been in cahoots with FP about getting me to pursue something with SG. He admitted it last night when he issued an apology. He explained that he had spent some time chatting to SG and realised that she was a bit weird.

Weird in that she has some really strange ideas and beliefs. Without going into details, she's extremely distrusting of government in general and is a massive conspiracy theorist. This all came out in a conversation between SG and FP.

I had to remind FP that SG as a girlfriend wasn't ever on the cards, but I was considering a FB/FwB thing. He nodded, reiterated that SG was very attractive and that was that.

In other news, SG has been messaging again. Her reasons for being silent aren't particularly convincing (i.e. that she was feeling off), but the important thing is that she's OK.

Further developments.

Yet another Friday night and yet another last-minute arrangement with GM, SG etc.

It wasn't too drunken and I was out with GM and SG after closing time. As usual, SG and I parted with a CH-esque hug and I got a taxi home.

Since then, it's been radio silence. We swap a good number of Whatsapp message each day, but she's been quiet. She's been online since, but my messages have been ignored.

I don't think I said anything out of turn on Friday night - I wasn't drunk enough to say anything stupid (or forget that I said anything stupid), so I am at a loss as to the reason for the silence.

It's concerning for me. SG is a friend. She's been online, so she's talking to someone... just not me. If she'd given a token excuse, then I might have overlooked it, but the silence says more than anything else.

I've already asked if everything's all right so the question's out there. I'm just waiting for her to say something, to let me know that she's OK or explain what the problem is.

Developments.

We had our now annual Xmas night out a few days ago. All the usual people were there - KfW2, CC, GM, FP, S etc. along with newcomer SG.

I was intrigued by SG's attendance because it would give KfW2 a chance to meet her. And vice-versa. I was more apprehensive about SG meeting KfW2 though because of SG's reaction to GM and Foreign Girl earlier this year. I knew that KfW2 wanted to meet SG - she's been kept up to date on the SG thing, though she's unaware that despite not seeing SG as a girlfriend, that I'd still take her to bed. My fault for being too subtle.

I've not learned a lot so far. SG has briefly mentioned KfW2 and I'm paraphrasing but "I can see why you're friends with KfW2 - she's such a warm, friendly person - very refreshing". It was clear that we're very close, right from the moment KfW2 arrived.

KfW2 hasn't yet passed judgement on SG other than mentioning, while we were out and after SG had left, that SG's two kids have different fathers.

I'm interested in learning what KfW2 thinks of SG, but it's not important. It would be if I considered SG to be something more than a friend or a FWB.

FP's advice (I suspect that KfW2 had said something to FP about SG because he was suddenly interested in learning more once I came back from the bar) was to bed her then deal with the fallout, but she's not a stranger, she's my friend as well. I risk fracturing a rather tight social group if SG ends up getting hurt and I don't want that to happen.

On a more general note, despite the fact that this year's event was mid-week, there was still a good turnout and everyone seemed to have a good time. I guess that's signalled the start of my Christmas party season.

And now... the end is near...

A few weeks ago, KfW2 shared some news. CH has been offered another job, in another company. I don't know if KfW2 was expecting any reaction, but there wasn't one. This is news I've been waiting to hear all year - after all, I was actively involved in helping CH do some job hunting and application form filling last year. Even then, my expectation was that our friendship would dissolve once she found new employment - she's simply not one of those people who's good at maintaining contact outside of a core set of friends (much like S).

I'm wondering how she's going to react to new employment. She'll have to meet new people and her whole routine of seeing her core friends will come crashing down. She might still see them at lunchtime - her new employer is only a few hundred metres away - but her new job will have far less flexibility than our current employer offers.

I kinda miss talking to CH. The drunken semi-flirting and great rack aside, when we were talking it was great fun. It was disappointing that it never really blossomed into a proper friendship, but even now, my stubbornness is preventing me from making initial contact - she was the one who stopped talking to me, she is the one who's angry with me (and I still don't officially know that). If she wanted to talk, I'd welcome it, if I were in the wrong, I'd apologise (I don't think I am).

But, within a few weeks... definitely not later than the Xmas party... the entire CH chapter will be closed, for ever.

A tale of two women...

Something that came out of my SG chat with KfW2 a few days ago was how much of an enigma she was. SG does things to extremes. She can be a tomboy - she mostly is - but equally, she can dress up in skimpy dresses and massive heels (as adequately demonstrated on the first night we met). She claims shyness, but is not backwards in interacting with other people. A recent example is getting up and dancing with strangers during a night out. She claims to be self-conscious about drawing attention to herself, but has no qualms about dressing that way - her recent Hallowe'en night costume (very, very sexy and not a lot of it) or the aforementioned dress (very, very slutty and not a lot of it).

However, one thing that I've not mentioned so far was that, after I'd (badly) dealt with SG's admission on Hallowe'en night, she left shortly thereafter. Ages ago, SG admitted that she was simply too drunk and that she always gets emotional when drinking vodka. A few days ago, though, SG also admitted that she thought her costume was too skimpy and she was feeling very self-conscious about it. Personally, I thought she looked stunning in it - gorgeous and sexy. But it was that admission that started the gears turning in my head about SG's two sides.

We met at lunchtime yesterday (KfW2 would be raising her eyebrows at this stage), but nothing has changed. I felt nothing beyond appreciating the physical. Arguably, the wanting to sleep with SG thing only raises its head when there's alcohol involved.

Stuff.

There's a ton of stuff ongoing that, for the first time in a long time, could mean that come New Year's Eve, I'm celebrating an overall good year.

Potentially the housing issue will be resolved in a matter of weeks giving me a lot more freedom, but a lot less free cash. That will enable me to restart a lot of things that were put on the shelf a few months ago including exercise and cooking - two things that I've missed dearly. I'll also be in a position where I do a lot more hosting/entertaining - something I was unable to do when I lived in a shared house.

Sports Girl and I have spent more time in each others' company as well, but I'm unsure about the future. It's still lust rather than a relationship vibe I get from her, but I'm not sure that's her point of view. We've spoken about Christmas and New Year (we both find it to be a lonely time of the year and that could be the catalyst  for some socialising for both of us) and she's been very excited with my recent housing news. I get the impression she's lonely in general - she's mentioned a few things, amongst other things, that her friendship with GM, FC, S and myself is very important to her. Her youngest child is far younger than I had originally known, so she's been single a lot less than I had assumed. I have inferred, from what she has said, that she didn't do an awful lot of socialising prior to meeting GM.

She's very much getting into "friend" territory, but there are too many deal-breakers for her to be anything more serious, romantically-speaking or for anything like that to develop.

Pondering.

For obvious reasons, I've recently been pondering the term "fuck buddy", which to some is interchangeable with the phrase "friend with benefits". Not to me, though.

For me, a fuck buddy is purely a physical relationship. A booty call. Someone to scratch that particular itch. A friend with benefits, in my opinion, lies somewhere between a fuck buddy and a full-on boyfriend or girlfriend.

It's the latter I'm considering with Sports Girl, though I've no real idea how she would take it. I didn't notice anything untoward during our recent night out playing pool, but the past weekend's night out, her interest was clearer. She was very tactile while we were dancing, there were a few moments where it looked like she might have gone in for a kiss before she caught herself on and when we were parting ways (SG, S and a friend of SG's were going to a club while I called it a night), she was very reluctant to let me leave.

My current living situation is not really conducive to bringing women home and SG has a live-in teenage daughter, so it's not like we have ready-made privacy if things ever did get physical. My inability to make any kinds of plans over the past few months has been very frustrating. I have a lot planned when things are resolved, but that's not looking to be done this side of Christmas.

So, thinking about SG non-platonically, but also in a non-relationship way is a fine line to have to tread with SG already being a friend and us sharing mutual friends.

Words

After a bit of deliberation with myself, I owned up to Sports Girl about not being able to remember most of what happened on Hallowe'en night. This was after we'd spent the entire afternoon bantering away about replaying our impromptu pool competition of last weekend. SG issued another challenge, so I knew that we were both OK, but part of me still felt the need to apologise.

I do get drunk, but I am a sensible drunk. I rarely forget the night before due to alcohol and it's an even rarer event that I do something outside of my comfort zone. So, having memory loss of that period of time was something that wasn't sitting right with me. I don't even remember talking to SG after her admission, never mind just forgetting what it was I'd said. My vague memory of the night is of her saying something then there's a blank until I return from the bar or the toilet and she's sat there looking unhappy and on the verge of tears.

Arguably, I should have apologised weeks ago, but it was a conversation with KfW2 a few days ago that made me realise that time was passing quickly and waiting any longer would mean it was too long to say anything.

So, with no face time looming and us living on opposite sides of the city, I fired off a quick text message.

She replied. She says there's nothing to forgive and that I said or did nothing wrong (though I can't shake the feeling that I could've dealt with it better). She also admitted that she can't remember too much about that night, which leaves me wondering if she can remember coming on to me or if she's saying she's got her own memory loss to save face.

None of it really matters. We never stopped chatting and texting and have spent time alone outside of the group since that night, so we're all good. She asked a few questions about my housing project, once again offered a place to kip after a night out and the conversation continued as if the serious interlude never happened.

I just need to figure out how open she is to trying something physical without going down the whole dating route.

FB or not FB, that is the question.

Since her admission on Hallowe'en, SG and I have been in more contact. It's hard to say if this is a direct result of what was said that night because our contact, outside of the main group, was increasing anyway. And there was at least one night before then where it was just the two of us - having a coffee or just having a game of pool and chilling.

This isn't all one-way traffic from SG either. I've initiated contact a few times by myself, I've suggested that we meet, just the two of us, which was ultimately cancelled because of an injury to SG's daughter.

A few days after that, though, we found ourselves in a bar by ourselves. GM, S etc. had all had other plans, so SG's last-minute suggestion of pool and pints meant it was just me and her. We did the pool and pints, then adjourned to another bar where we knew a band would be playing.

It was a good night, though it dipped in the middle due to the breaking news of the attacks in Paris. She might not be girlfriend material as far as I am concerned, but she's really good company and good fun. I'm trying to figure out if we can get something physical going, but I'm drawing a blank at the moment. There were plenty of hugs and, with her repeatedly dragging me up to dance, I had plenty of opportunity to be tactile.

The night ended late - we were the last to leave the bar. We got talking to a couple of people outside who were going clubbing. SG wanted us to go along with them, but I'm not big into clubbing. At least, not a club that exclusively plays dance music which is pretty much all of them here. I tried to get her to change her mind so I could order two taxis (we live in completely opposite directions, so no chance of sharing a taxi).

She left with the two people for the club. I flagged down a taxi and went home. When I arrived, I had a missed Whatsapp call, from SG, and a message. She'd gone to the club, then immediately gotten a taxi home before going in. We had arrived back at our respective homes almost in tandem.

There were a few extra messages swapped back and forth where I explained to yet another person that it's not clubbing I am against but the music. If there were a rock or indie club here, I'd stay out late a lot more often.

Since then, we've been in conversation a little more. It's less banter-like and more serious, but that's because SG's concerned about the fallout from Friday's attacks. In this scenario, SG and KfW2 are very similar - they're very empathetic.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd love for something physical to happen. I'm incredibly frustrated that a gorgeous, sexy woman who, physically at least, ticks a load of my boxes has shown interest in me, but I can't to the same in return, beyond lust. But she's a friend too. I don't want to ruin anything by clumsily trying it on when she's not interested (and obviously, having turned her down a few weeks ago and not actually being able to remember what I said, is not working in my favour.)

Oh dear.

S had a Hallowe'en party last night with a few of his mates and our core crowd (FC, GM, Sports Girl, FC's wife). It was a great night, but the talking point was Sports Girl.

She pretty much admitted that she was attracted to me.  I'd kinda figured that was coming from the way she was behaving in the time leading up to that, even though, in general, I always thought that she might have had a thing for S (and I definitely thought S had a thing for her). Sadly, from her perspective, I don't see SG as girlfriend material, so I had to let her down. I don't think I did it particularly well so I will have some apologising to do if we need to talk it out.

She looked stunning last night though in a home made Wonder Woman costume (she's into cosplay, so she's good at costume making). If she were into one night stands or something casual, then I would definitely have left the party early, if you know what I mean, but she's not. She's implied that in the past, specifically when she offered, then retracted, an offer of something casual with GM.

*knowing wink*

I also have a massive hangover today - jelly shots, general shots and tequila are not a good mix. And a tinge of frustration at not being able to take SG home.

"How's the love life?"

This blog post caught my eye earlier while I was bored: Things you need to stop saying to single people on "No bad dates, just good stories". 

To be honest, I've been critical of dating blogs in the past, not specifically on here, but in conversations with others - specifically KfW2 and USHW. I've often found that dating blogs tend to be a bit Cosmo-esque with their advice pieces. This struck a chord though - a lot of them were extremely accurate. Go off and have a look at the blogger's post to see what she has to say. I've "borrowed" the ones that I hear most often with my own comments (I've left the original blogger's order in for reference).

1. "So… are you seeing anyone? How’s the love life?"

G is probably the biggest culprit here and he mainly asks on behalf of his wife. Years ago, the answer was "Same old. Not really looking, not not looking". That was my mantra since my early twenties. Now the answer is "Same old..." then let it trail off. Why trail off? Because if I don't, I end up in a conversation where a lot of the following questions and comments come up.

Of course, it's partly my fault. I could take a simple step and use this as an opportunity to voice my unhappiness, but it's only really G and KfW2 who ask... and KfW2 knows my relationship status, she simply doesn't like me being in a funk. G, living in London, is not really in a position to offer any real help, so I don't bother opening up.

3. “Have you tried online dating?”

Unless someone specifically asks, I don't tend to admit to it. It's not the stigma that was once attached to it, it's my success rate that stops me from admitting anything...

"Have you tried online dating?"
"Yes. Yes I have."

"What happened? Any luck?"

"Well, long story short... over half a dozen different memberships across three or four sites where I've messaged well in excess of three hundred women, I managed to get a handful of replies that led to exactly one date."

"You must be doing something wrong!"

"I've explored as many possibilities as I can. I've tried all the advice I can find online. I've had serious profiles, flippant ones, silly ones, long ones, short ones, blank ones. I've tried as many different combinations in opening messages, all included a question, where possible, directly related to their own profiles to show I was paying attention and not spamming people. All my memberships had photos as well."

"..."

"And despite living in modern times, online dating is simply an extension of the real world. Women tend not to make the first move."

4. “The right person will come along when you least expect it.”

"Do you remember what I used to say when you asked about my dating? 'Not really looking, not not looking'? I've tried the 'laissez faire' attitude. It's not exactly paying dividends."

KfW2 has, unfortunately, used this as recently as a few weeks ago.

6. “I think you’re just not putting yourself out there enough.”

Of all the things to say, this is probably the one that's most accurate. When out socially, with GM or S, for example, we tend to be very insular. Chat and banter amongst ourselves. I rarely notice people who're not in our group. Add to the fact that while I'm a lot more confident in myself than I was in my late 20s, I'm still incredibly shy and speaking to new people can be very stressful for me (never mind actually trying to approach someone 'cold' with a view to chatting them up).

7. “Perhaps you’re being too picky.”

Am I? Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. Personally, my opinion has always been that I am attracted to whomever I'm attracted to. It's easy to be dismissive online, looking at a profile picture and a couple of lines of standard text ("I like going out but sometimes curling up on the sofa with a glass of red wine"). I also know that seeing the same people in real life can often have a different outcome - I've seen and spoken to a couple of women that I'd not really been that interested in when I saw their profiles on Tinder or PoF. Even DSC, while not being romantically interesting, was interesting enough to get to know socially.

8. “I don’t even know why you’re single, you’re such a catch.”

OK, that's nice of you to say, but if I were such a catch, why don't you invite your available, cute friends out so we can see if we hit it off? I don't do blind dates, but I'll meet the people you bring out.

You can look back at the posts I've made over the years about the perceived lack of effort my friends have put in from AM twenty years ago to both CH and KfW2 more recently. They've talked the talk, but no-one has ever come up with the goods.

To be honest, having trawled through my female friends Facebook pages, there aren't an awful lot of friends of friends that would immediately stand out - MMBF and CB being the exceptions... and possibly an old university friends of my sister's.

10. “I really miss being single.”

"I really miss being with someone. Are we even now?"

Grin.

I was in playful form at the weekend, enjoying my sister's hospitality and a few sports results. As I went to fetch another beer, I noticed my eldest nephew was chatting to some of his friends via Kinect in the warm up to some gaming.

I burst into the room, my t-shirt pulled above my head.

"Who wants to see my belly?" I shouted.

My two youngest nephew and niece laughed uncontrollably. The eldest, however, walked out of the room.

I returned to the sofa and continued watching TV. About thirty minutes later, my brother-in-law marched into the room with eldest nephew in tow. Eldest nephew had something to say to me, but he wouldn't spit it out. After about five minutes of cajolling from his dad (who had been told the problem), he eventually admitted that he was annoyed that I'd showed him up in front of his mates... that they were laughing at him.

I don't believe that they were - they were laughing at me playing the clown, but he's always been overly sensitive. However, I gave my apology and that was that.

In itself, it's not really worth posting about... but it's a good parallel with CH. I've done or said something that she's unhappy with. She's told KfW2 some of the detail, but won't tell me directly.

So, in all honesty, I can actually say that CH is acting like a 10 year old.

What's up?

I was in contact with KfW2 a few days ago over IM. At the end of the day, I sent quick message.

"Away home. Talk to you tomorrow."

Straight away, before I could log off, she quickly replied.

"You sound fed up."

I admitted that I was, that it had nothing to do with work. She asked me to elaborate.

"House stuff and the usual stuff really"

"Which is?"

"Loneliness is the main one, but it's hard to single any one thing out. It's all intertwined."

KfW2 spoke about the house stuff (she's going through similar herself, then sent another message:

"As for the lonely thing, I was going to say how can you be lonely cos you're never in, but I understand what you mean... It's nothing to do with having people to go drinking with all the time, its to do with having someone there to be with."

"Yes, someone there to be with, to be able to rely on etc."

The conversation halted there, mainly because I had to leave. I thanked her for understanding and I promised to pick it up the next day. We didn't, but that was because work got in the way. KfW2 did ask, first thing the next morning if we could continue the chat, but I was mentoring a colleague. I will try and pick up again soon, because there was stuff left unsaid...

For example, it's nice to have people there when you go through a rough patch... and I know I have people that I can talk to, but I'm not anyone's priority and that's what provokes the loneliness, I think. Also the prolonged loneliness was the main reason in trying to chat to CH earlier in the year (people being unreliable hurts/annoys more when you're lonely) and to have her over-react in the way she did when I tried to address that hasn't helped.

I'm kinda in limbo at the moment. The housing thing, which should have been resolved within the next week could take another few weeks yet to get sorted, or it could all fall apart. It's on a knife edge right now and I'm waiting to hear from the decision makers on what my options are. I've moved out of my old place and am staying with family, but I can't settle. I need my own place.

I was touched, but also a little frustrated, by KfW2's empathy. It only took two sentences over IM for her to figure out that something was wrong though admittedly, she hasn't realised that the funk's been ongoing for a long time, but she's noticed more than anyone else I spend time with.

Grrrr...

It wasn't exactly a once in a lifetime opportunity, but it was a rare occurrence and needed to be taken with both hands. So, that being said, FP and I flew to Bristol at the weekend for a major sporting event. I like Bristol - E and I used to spend some great weekends there, chilling, getting drunk etc. The problem was, it wasn't just FP and I. FP's friends were along for the ride. It's not that I don't like FP's friends, but their company can be frustrating at times (they only talk about the same three subjects). For the record, they're father and son.

This weekend was no exception. They weren't meant to be coming, but their various prior arrangements fell through and they were able to join myself and FP. As far as I was concerned, they were tagging along with me and FP. After all, we'd done all the legwork and arranging, they'd just turned up. FP and I had done all the research - hotels, flights, pubs, trains, directions etc. They'd just turned up.

We had arranged to meet at the hotel entrance, but Friend Snr called FP and said they'd gone exploring. FP rolled his eyes and said we'd be at the train station.

The town was heaving with people, but luckily I'd been in touch with a local who'd given us a couple of good pubs off the beaten track. But, no. Friend Jnr had been advised by his co-workers about a craft beer bar that he simply NEEDED to go and see. None of this had been mentioned previously, even after my mail a week previously about the pubs the local had recommended. I voiced my disapproval about the fact there was no group decision and followed them.

At the craft beer bar, I mentioned to Friend Snr that I was happy enough drinking there until the event, but afterwards, we had already made tentative plans to meet up with friends for an hour or so (BR, G, M and a few others). Friend Snr seemed to think that this was reasonable, so that worked for me. After the event, I bumped into an old school friend. An attractive, female friend. FP and I chatted for a few minutes. We made semi-tentative plans about meeting up with the other friends (they all know each other), swapped numbers and trundled off. Jnr and Snr were nowhere to be seen. Not even common sense to hang around waiting for us. FP tried to call both of them. No answer - straight to voicemail.

It only took us about ten minutes to find them... back at the craft beer bar. By this stage, I was getting quite angry. I dislike people who are selfish in this way. Friend Snr came over.

"We were trying to phone you."
"My phone's in Jnr's bag"
"That's handy."
"Ah! Making yourself scarce gives you more value" he quipped.
"Are you fucking kidding me? You walked off in a massive crowd, leaving us to find you, and your phone is in your son's backpack? And what's his excuse for not answering the phone?"

Snr stood there with a blank look on his face.

"We had an hour or so at best to catch up with our friends before we had to head to the train station, and you effectively run away to come back to this fucking bar?"

"You were talking to that girl then you were going to meet your friends" he spluttered.

"Together. You agreed to it. There's no sense in splitting up in a crowd this size."

There was no shouting, but there was a tone to my voice that some people know never to argue with. Snr is not one of these people. He doesn't know me well enough.

We finished our drinks and left.

On the way back to our hotel (it was an hour's journey), Snr must have stated ten times that we needed to go for something to eat. Jnr stated about the same amount of times that he wanted to go to the Wetherspoons closest to the hotel.

We adjourned to the nearest bar to make a decision. In the twenty minutes it took to have a pint, Snr stated another four times he wanted something to eat. Jnr stated half a dozen times that he wanted to go to the Wetherspoons a hundred metres up the road. I finished my pint and went to bed.

The next day, we trundled up the road. Then it started again. Jnr wanted to go to Costa for a coffee. Snr wanted to go exploring. They both reiterated their desires multiple times.

Eventually they left to catch their respective flights, leaving FP and I in peace. On reflection, I don't think I like either of the two of them any more. If it wasn't the incessant reiteration  of their own desires rather than trying to suit the group, it was the fact that the only conversations the entire weekend were motorbikes, cars, aeroplanes and trucks. None of these subjects interest me. If they weren't talking about one of those topics, then anything that came out of Snr's mouth was advice. "You should do this..."

Snr never listened to me all weekend. I hate that. Even at breakfast on the last day, it was all too apparent:

"How did you sleep?"
"Not bad... woke early and never got back to sleep though"
About 90 seconds pass...
*nudge*
"How did you sleep?"
"As I've just said... I woke early and never got back to sleep though"

I don't think I'll be doing anything involving those two again.

Plus, being in Bristol just reminded me how much I missed E.

The end of the line?

Things are taking a little longer than expected to get sorted with the housing situation. Heating Guy is due to move out in a few days - he's been unbelievably childish recently, crying about a shortfall in the electricity bill (that simply made us even due to a deliberate underpayment for the TV etc. and he knew was going to happen.) Clothes of mine have been taken off the clothes horse and left on the ground and in the mop bucket - nothing serious - just little things. He at least has the intelligence not to do anything directly to me. His histrionic slamming of the doors etc. is becoming tiresome though.

I'm only here for another few weeks myself. TV Guy is on his own from the end of the month. It'll be interesting to see how he copes with two new people. He's gotten away with a fair bit this past 12 months - no housework, not being available for the landlord's handymen, not paying any gas money (dunno what Heating Guy  makes of this) and regular complaining about how much we spend on internet etc. With two new guys coming in, this will all need to be sorted and he might even have to take responsibility with one of the utility bills.

I'm in limbo for a few weeks until my own housing situation is finalised and I can't wait for that to happen. I just want to move in, get settled and relax again. That's looking at being the end of next month though.

I dunno how I feel about moving out of here though. It's been four years. Maybe five? I can't actually remember. I don't know that I was ever friends with any of my flat-mate, though I did get along with TV Guy and MfW to a certain extent. Come the start of October, it's a new chapter regardless.

About time!

While out with GM , S and Sports Girl last night, I took the opportunity to chat to GM about CH. I've been meaning to do so since I first realised that the communication issues were more serious than I had realised. For the record, if I haven't already said it before, I don't think there's a solution. CH is too stubborn to admit she's wrong or to back down and agree to meet me/talk to me. And, to be honest, I think it's difficult to get past - at a time when I wanted and needed to talk to CH, she distanced herself and made herself unavailable. Even if there is a supposed excuse in crossed wires (according to KfW2, I don't agree) that's not really what I look for in a friend.

Back to talking to GM, I think it was simply wanting GM to know the score, even though he's not likely to be seeing or talking to CH any time soon himself. We didn't get all of the chat out of the way - I managed, semi-drunkenly, to get the gist of the issue to GM but none of the details.

During the time, he only asked one question, about whether I was non-platonically interested in CH. I said that "if she were single, I'd be all over that", but said that I'd been hoping that me and CH could have the same kind of friendship that I had with KfW2.

So, before we got into the meat of the conversation, S and Sports Girl rejoined our conversation, and the CH topic was dropped.

I said to GM, at the end of the night, that I'd be revisiting that conversation soon, and I do mean to follow up within the next few weeks.

Seven!

I'm not usually a big fan of these Saturday night shows in Winter like X-Factor etc. I've been more tolerant of Strictly Come Dancing, but wouldn't class myself as a regular viewer.

However, with both Katie Derham and Kirsty Gallacher competing this year, I could easily be tempted into watching more often.

Ho hum.

I've often complained about the standard of singleton in my catchment area on the various dating sites and tools. It's true. Even the cute and/or interesting ones can ruin their profiles by making declarations that they're not interested in hookups or one night stands. It's the cynicism and negativity that really puts me off. On both PoF and Tinder, it's also not unusual to see the same people crop up time and again. "I'm back again!"

On Tinder it's more difficult to restart your profile, but I seem to see the same faces crop up again and again. Sometimes, it's so often, I don't know if these people are recycling their profiles every few days or if there's a bug in the software.

A few days ago, I matched on Tinder with a really cute girl. I'd seen her before. In fact, I'd pointed her out to USHW well over a year ago as someone that I though wasn't just cute, but was my type. No, not type. That's not right. It's how she looks, I think. She's cute - there are elements of Elizabeth Banks in there... probably some E as well and dare I say a touch of one of CB's sisters? I'd swiped right on her before - at least twice, if memory serves, with no result.

This time it was different. She had also swiped right. I didn't send any messages immediately. In fact, I wasn't on Tinder for the rest of the weekend after that, but when I went to sent an ice breaker earlier this evening, she was missing from my list. She has either closed/recycled her account or she's unmatched us.

It's kinda disappointing. While I know very little about her, she was very cute, and we have one mutual friend in CC and there's a level of attraction there that's been absent since CB. There are issues though. She appears to live at least 40 km away, which could have made life difficult. The real problem was that she has kids. I don't want kids, I never have... and I don't want to have to worry about anyone else's either. That's never an issue for a hookup or something casual, but it is a potential deal breaker when looking for something permanent or long-term.

Saying that, I was prepared to try an initiate a chat anyway, just to see where things could go.

Oh FFS.

Sometimes, things seem to be going too well. Obviously, that's all relative. The issues I've posted about recently are still there, but a few other bits and pieces were papering over the cracks. All-in-all though, I had plenty to look forward to between now and Christmas that could and would keep me busy and was starting to get into a more positive frame of mind.

A phone call at 5PM earlier put paid to that and shattered my mood. There's a problem. It's not insurmountable, but it's come out of left field, is a massive pain in the arse and is probably going to require me to call in a favour from family that I really don't want to.

Everything at the minute is time-critical because of the looming lease renewal on the current house. I need to get everything sorted before or on the day it lapses to save even more hassle, so the last thing I needed right now were further complications.

The next few days will be critical.

By the time Friday comes round, I'll be more than in the mood to go out for drinks with D, FBS and Friction Guy. Saturday won't be fun as a result!

Quick post.

I keep complaining here about the fact that while I go through phases of meeting people (in general, not one night stands or dates), it seems that it's rare that I meet people in whom I am genuinely interested. Or to use my own terminology - "girlfriend material".

In my younger days, I'd know quite quite if the young lady I was attracted to was a hookup or something with more potential. Most of the time, that turned out to be the case.

Over the past week, I've met three attractive women that would fall into the classification of "girlfriend material". We have mutual friends, but they're all unavailable for various reasons.

Shame that!

???

There is a ton of stuff going on at the moment that I will probably post about when they settle down into something more concrete, but I felt the need to put finger to keyboard today for a specific reason - the mood I am in.

As always, it's a combination of factors. Stress (from the aforementioned "ton of stuff"), tiredness, funk (yes, that usual one) and a few others that have all been poured into a massive cauldron and left me feeling confused. About everything.

I was at a funeral today (a friend's parent rather than anyone closer to home) with some friends. CH was there with GB and she never looked in my direction once in the thirty minutes that we were in the same space. That in itself wasn't a huge problem - I know what CH is like and even though I still think she's massively in the wrong, she's not going to change.

Anyway, afterwards, I spoke to FC about it as they're friendly. FC suggested that we sort it out. He reckoned it was a waste that we weren't speaking. I said that I was open to that, but it was my desire to talk to CH that caused this schism in the first place. FC and Sports Girl then suggested we need a kind of mediator. Again, it's not something I am against per se, but CH is the stumbling block here. While I am not suggesting that GM is the mediator, I have been meaning to have a conversation with him about the CH thing for quite a while now.

Officially (because CH hasn't ever told me), I am in the dark about CH. It was only that KfW2 told me or else I'd have been none the wiser. In fact, it was after I'd given up asking for lunch or coffee dates for a chat that CH apparently went into her mood.

Still, the mediator idea has piqued my interest.

So... *deep breath*

It's been a bit quiet around these parts over the past few months. I'll not lie - a lot of that is apathy-based. The apathy itself comes from simply not being in the mood. Quite a bit has been happening, none of it really bad per se, but it's been keeping me busy and, to be honest, it's starting to get a bit stressful.

Arguably, it's been stressful for a while now but it's only now that it's starting to get on top of me that I'm noticing it. The funk is still there too. It seems like, beyond little oases of optimism, that it's been hanging around for far too long now. It's been reinforced within recent months by the fallout with CH (her name popped up on my Facebook feed this morning for what seems like the first time this year) and my current house-hunting. I can't remember if I've mentioned the house hunting before from this angle (I'm drafting this during some down time in work, so can't check), but going out to look at houses, arrange viewings etc. is reminding me how lonely I am. I've been looking at houses with my sister, but her availability cannot be guaranteed, so I reckon about 50% of the places I've seen until now have been on my own. I kinda want a second opinion on houses - this is going to be the biggest purchase of my life so far and I don't want to make it entirely on my own.

I'm kinda under a deadline as well... I've not seen anything thus far to really excite me, but I need any proposed purchase to go smoothly and be complete by the end of September at the latest due to current house things. Speaking of house things, and Heating Guy has returned to his psycho form. Each time he's criticised or gets angry, he brings up things that have been bothering him for a long time, simmering away but previously unmentioned. Over recent weeks, he's locked himself out of the house overnight (I got the blame for not answering my phone that was on silent and in another room). A small shortfall in the TV money that I rebalanced when I gave him the utilities sparked yet another meltdown about rent (the letting agent arbitrarily rebalanced the rent, Heating Guy never raised it as an issue). Only a few days ago, HG put some dinner on the cooker and seemingly let it boil dry. The entire house stank. HG's OCD meant he refused to open any windows to ventilate the place. When TV Guy spoke to him about it he said that HG was reluctant to talk.

As I said, nothing bad or seriously, but small, negative stressful things that have been snowballing to a certain extent. I simply need to come out the other side of this and completing the house move would be a major step, but that's unlikely to be for at least a few months yet. I'm meant to be out with people this weekend, but I've got a bad feeling that a fair few people might cancel/not turn up. That would hurt. I kinda need to have some people round me this weekend for a boost.

Weekend digest.

The weekend was eventful. Between the concert (my main reason for being in London) being cancelled to a last minute scramble to meet up with some friends who I'd not been able to fit in (i.e. A). My time with USHW and G was as good as I'd expected it to be, if maybe a little drunker by the time G and I parted ways on Thursday evening. Lots of chat, serious and light-hearted. I was glad to hit the hay on Thursday evening - it was a long day and I seemed to be non-stop running around from first thing in the morning until after 11 PM.

Friday didn't get off to a good start - the building site beside my hotel seemed to start up around 7 AM. Thanks London! I managed to doze off and on before checking out around 11 AM. It was a nice day, so I opted for overground exploration versus underground speediness. I rocked up to my pre-arranged meeting spot with A about half an hour early, only to shortly thereafter get a Facebook message admitting that she may have to cancel do to a work-related emergency I decided to go exploring again while we swapped further messages until A sent the inevitable definitive cancellation.

I sent another message. I was going to exploring for another few hours. If she managed to find twenty minutes to herself, we could maybe meet for a coffee.

Sadly, by the time mid-afternoon came around, I'd heard no further word from A. My feet were aching from all the exploring (a subsequent search when I got home indicated I'd walked over 13 km) and I was due to meet up with FP and his wife.

We were stuck for something to do after the gig cancellation, but had decided we'd still head out rather than sit in the hotel. But it seems our respective travels were too much for us. We managed a quick bite to eat in Leicester Square followed by a couple of drinks in a nearby pub before calling it quits at midnight and getting the Tube back to the hotel.

Another sleepless night on Friday due to FP having insomnia and insisting on watching the TV. Saturday was relatively uneventful apart from FP and his wife having a falling out, but I arrived back in the house exhausted. My brother-in-law was on the phone almost immediately, demanding I went to his house for beer. I couldn't. I simply couldn't keep my eyes open that long.

Suffice to say, it was an early night.

It might not have been an earth-shatteringly exciting weekend, but I really enjoyed catching up with G and USHW in person. Missing out on meeting A was disappointing, but after feeling really drained over the past few weeks, I actually feel better for the (brief) change of pace and scenery.

"Hi"

Off the back of this post, I got speaking to the Attractive Neighbour earlier this evening. I'd just arrived home from London (more on this at a later date) and the cupboards are bare, so I phoned in a takeaway. As I collected it, Attractive Neighbour arrived and made her way into the building.

I've always said that online dating isn't for me partly because a picture and some writing doesn't impart the chemistry and I have to admit that this was the case with the actress neighbour.

We only spoke for a few minutes (we've only really said "hi" until now), but she's a lot cuter in real life than her (professionally done) online dating photos had suggested to me. But then I've always been a casual jeans and t-shirt man than a poshed-up glam frock kinda guy.

And she seemed really nice, though her profiles usually made her sound a lot more approachable and positive than the vast majority of profiles on PoF or Tinder.

It also confirmed what I've been trying to tell KfW2 (and others) for ages - if there's a natural opening to the conversation, I can talk to anyone. It's the cold openers that I have issues with (see: CB).

Recharge needed.

I've been feeling out of sorts recently. It's not even anything recent, but a continuation of what I describe in this post, except more pronounced. There was a big event over the weekend that loads of friends were going to - BR, BW, AM amongst many others - and I don't think I was in particularly good form.

I did grab some time with AM and we had a chat and I brought her up to speed on recent funk-related issues such as online dating, CB etc. Well, she was given a rough overview of both online dating and CB because, to be quite honest, I was more than a little drunk. I didn't have that much to drink, but it seemed to hit me pretty hard which is unusual in itself.

She accused me of not taking QC1 up on meeting a friend of hers a few years ago. I had to put her right and said that I'd turned down a blind date, but I had suggested bringing any single friends out socially to see if we hit it off. If we do, then great. If not, then OK. Blind dates mean pressure and I don't "do" pressure. Nothing wrong with introducing two people and seeing what happens though.

AM suggested online dating. I'd told her that I'd done it a few times before with the same result i.e. no results and it really affected me. I'd said that KfW2 suggested that I was somehow doing something wrong and AM seemed to agree, though she only knows a small fraction of the actual detail.

I can't remember a lot but we left it that AM was going to arrange a night out with QC1 and partners. We'll see how that goes - both of them are terribly unreliable.

I slept for nearly 12 hours on Saturday night and yet still felt sluggish all day yesterday, but couldn't sleep last night. I've been off-kilter all day today as well - lethargic, feeling, not queasy, but definitely something, tired and run down.

I have a few days off at the end of the week so I am hoping that some time off work and a temporary change of scenery will do me the world of good.

A whole heap of something.

I've only been properly house hunting for just over a week now and it's safe to say that I already hate estate agents. I've only viewed about five houses so far, two at the very top of my price range needed too much work, a couple in some streets I didn't fancy and one that my sister and I looked at around this time last week.

I'm not going to say that I loved it, but I did like it - plenty of character, nice street, low price though a little lacking on daytime living space and outside space (the bedrooms etc. were brilliantly sized though).

I went home and talked it through with my sister. After mulling it over the weekend, I decided that I needed a second viewing. The estate agent called me today to inform me that there was an offer on, just under the asking price. this was at 10 AM. I didn't take the call because I was snowed under at work, but picked up the voicemail at lunchtime.

I hurriedly tried to contact my sister or my brother-in-law to arrange a second viewing (they're my voice of reason and have much more house buying experience than I do). It was 4 PM by the time either of them agreed to a time and date for availability and I phoned the estate agent. It went to voice mail. I left a message - interested in the property, would love a second viewing, could they arrange something later this week, mid-evening?

However, they immediately called me back. The property was gone, they'd literally, just an hour ago, accepted an offer of the asking price on behalf of the owners. They had to do it and I hadn't gotten back to them. The tone of the guy on the phone annoyed me. It wasn't factual, it was accusatory. I hadn't called them back. I hadn't picked up their two calls (one of which was less than 12 hours after the original viewing last week).

I'm disappointed that the house has gone - I'm not going to lie. I wasn't definitely going to buy it either. I'm annoyed that the decision is out of my hands - I want this house buying thing over and done with. I find it stressful and intimidating and... well... this has brought up the same old thing.

I feel lonely. Sure, I've been talking to my sister, KfW2, FP and others about the whole thing, sharing links, asking advice etc. but when it comes to it, I am alone. I arrange appointments for viewings when I want a second opinion there with me. When trying to make decisions, it'd be nice for some encouragement and instant feedback. When something like today happens, I'm left mulling it over on my own. It could be worse, of course. It could have been a property I was really invested in, but regardless, I'm sat here with a cup of tea in a bit of a funk.

Just as I am typing this, KfW2 has called to see how I was feeling after the house was sold. I was honest with regards to the house itself, but she's no idea currently how the house-hunting thing is making me feel in general. I'll need to bring her up to speed.

I'd tried explaining all this to a friend of mine last weekend during a work night out. he did ask if I was excited about the house-hunting and I told him it was the opposite - I felt lonely, stressed etc. but I didn't have the words for it. To be fair, it was after 1AM and we were both very, very unsober. I think I got the gist of my problems across, but I lacked the words to explain it in detail.

And now, my sister has just called. Nothing's mentioned about the house, but she was asking for a favour instead. Sigh.

Upcoming plans.

I haven't really been in the mood to post recently, though to be honest, there's nothing really worth posting about. However, the next six weeks should be busy enough, socially. I had my monthly work thing last weekend and another work thing this weekend coming. I have also tentatively arranged a quiet night with FP, potentially after some outdoor exercising as well.

The weekend after that is a reunion of sorts. All my usual crowd will be there - AM, E3, M, BR, BW and others. There are a couple of women I kinda want to see again - crushes from back in the day who are unlikely to be still single (and one of them won't even show up), but I'm having a hard time convincing myself that this is going to be anything other than a cringe-fest. I'm only really going because it's not often you get all of my friends out at one time.

Later in the month, I'm going to London where I'll be meeting up with FP and G, both separately, for drinks and music gigs.

The end of the month is looking like yet another work thing and rolling into the start of July, I should see nights out with KfW2 and D, FBS, Friction Guy and Opinionated Guy.

Phew.

No title.

KfW2 asked me what was wrong today. Apparently I didn't look great and had been doing a lot of sighing.

I replied honestly. I didn't know.

I am out of sorts - I've been tired, both physically and mentally for a while now and I seem run down but without any one, obvious reason.

If I had to guess, I'd suggest that the whole flat thing - TV Guy, Heating Guy and my plans to move house are all affecting me and it's more stressful than I realise. The CH thing has probably played into that as well as well as the usual funk. Work's been a bit of a chore recently, trying to get recognition for the work that I do. It's a pent up thing - being unable to properly relax, I think.

I need something - a holiday, to meet someone or even just to get this whole house thing sorted - to be able to relax, and that will probably make things better quite quickly.

In apropos of nothing...

Facebook reminded me today that it was FA2's birthday. If it is FA2's birthday today, then three days ago, it would have been our anniversary, though the was some debate about the exact timing. I'm not going to go into it again - I think I've posted about it before.

No real reason for mentioning it other than it was something I thought about today.

Must be funny...

Following on from this post, I'm still waiting for TV Guy to give me the money he owes. In fact, I'd almost say that he's been keeping a really low profile. Sigh. I think he'll eventually hand over the money, but he will immediately complain about the TV package that we have.

Personally, I don't care. I've recently had a chat with AM about taking the TV package with me when I move (and off the back of the post linked above, the house-hunting is in full swing) and that's not an issue. If TV Guy wants a new TV package i.e. a cheaper one, then he can get it himself when he renews the lease at the end of the summer.

Still, I need to actually get TV Guy and ask him outright for the cash. It's taking the piss that this is the sixth or seventh time he's been asked to set up a recurring bank transfer for a paltry sum each month.

It's amazing that grown men are this petty or tight.

Last minute meet up.

It wasn't exactly last-minute, but there was only a few days notice between the latest text message and a big night out with Friction Guy, Opinionated Guy and D. FBS was unable to attend because it was so short notice. But, it was a good night regardless. Rarely does anything major happen, but it's still nice to meet up and see how we're all doing.

There have been some worthy things of note since we all last met up - deaths, illnesses, marriages and some big personal projects as well, and these were all covered over the course of the night.

KfW2 was mentioned because Friction Guy spotted us out a few weeks ago, but hadn't come over to say "hello", so there was lots of questions about whether or not I was on a date. I mentioned the "friends" angle, but I had said the same thing about FBS and QC3 (we were all part of the same circle at one point), even though, without my knowledge, FBS had admitted to sleeping with me and QC3 had admitted a huge crush that she didn't act upon.

Still, later a young woman came over and asked to blag a cigarette. I gave her one of D's and we (myself and Opinionated Guy) chatted to her for a bit. Later, as D and Friction Guy were at the bar, she came back and I gave her one of mine. Again, we chatted for a bit, then it was time to leave.

Opinionated Guy was adamant that we should stay.

"Ruuude's practically pulled there!" he declared.

I'm not entirely sure I agree. She was cute, I'll give her that, but in her mid-twenties, I'm not sure what would have happened (my age never came up) and I was in that drunk state where I really couldn't be bothered putting in any effort and the notion of going home had embedded itself into my head.

"Nah, it's OK. Time to call it quits" I said. I had work the next day and it was already late.

Still... it'll give them something to talk about the next time we meet up.

Things that make you go "WTF?"

I asked KfW2 about her questions that were prompted in this post. Surprisingly, it looks as if CH was quite forthright to KfW2 and the outcome is this, broken into points as I understand it from CH's perspective:

• CH has a bad start to the year, work-wise, resulting in lots of stress, breaking down in work etc.
• I don't understand her commitments
• She can't make time for one to one chats with people, she's got too many people to see
• She got scared/concerned about how full-on I was

I can't accurately describe how I felt about it. Angry, a little. Annoyed, definitely a bit. Something else? Definitely, but I can't put my finger on it.

The first point, I know nothing about, and arguably, that's part of the problem. I deliberately took a step back at the start of the year to see if CH would step up. A test, of sorts. She didn't pass. Attempts, by me, to get her alone for a chat were constantly ignored (though, I never actually said "alone", I thought it was implied enough). I was going through a rough enough time of my own at the start of the year and desperately wanted to talk to someone in person (both USHW and KfW2 were sounding boards, but I needed that face time).

Eventually, around St. Valentine's Day, I sent a text - I had concerns, were we, as friends, OK? From here on in, the problems started. CH simply wasn't getting it. This wasn't a knee jerk reaction from me, it was going on longer than that. The conversation went something like:   

I don't understand her family commitments that may cause her to cancel sometimes (even though I have plenty of family and friends who I socialise with with families). 

I don't understand her geographical issues about her living out of town  (I do completely - I send invites to include her with no expectations until she says she's going to attend). 

I've tried getting her out alone cos there are times I want to chat about something specific and don't want to do it in the work's canteen or with others, but I'd never forced the issue.

I've tried chatting over electronic methods, but there are always other things distracting her.
I'm full on (sometimes I am, but this time, the subtle approach wasn't working).

That conversation finished with her seemingly taking the points on board (especially about wanting to see her alone) and agreeing to meet after her half-term holiday.

Three weeks after that, I sent a message asking how her holiday was and if we were still going to meet. She set a date for a week later.

The day we were due to meet, I got an email. She was at a funeral and had to cancel.

At the end of March, I got a message from her with a video clip that I would enjoy. In fact, "if anyone appreciates this, it's you!". We swapped a few more messages, then I again asked about lunch.

She made a date of the next Monday at lunchtime for coffee. On that day, when I quizzed her about what time we were meeting for the coffee, she said "oh, not lunchtime, the afternoon!". We laughed at the confusion. When it was time to meet, she said she had been called into a meeting. That was the last time, until Monday, that I had seen or spoken to her. I'd finally given up, but there was nothing in any of the communications since the first bombshell that suggested concern at how full-on I had been or that this was serious.

KfW2 asked me later how I was feeling. We'd already covered some of the stuff above, but I'd said that I wasn't in a good mood because of it.

"You shouldn't let it get you down, I told you that!" she said
"I know, but it's hard not to, isn't it?"
"You could apologise for being heavy handed, if you wanted and move on."
"What's the point? It wouldn't fix anything."
"You shoulda known that pushing this hard would have had this result"
"To be honest, no. Texting was the only way to do it by that stage."

And I guess that's the crux of it. Despite me having the issues with our friendship,  CH is piling all of the blame at my door. I'm full-on, I don't understand her commitments, she can't make time for one friend when she has loads to see. She's been ultra-defensive right from the start, refusing to accept "blame" and refusing to do anything to put things right. This whole issue could have been solved by a twenty minute coffee, four months ago. Now I feel annoyed because this is a proper falling out and she's blaming me for it.

Things that make you go "Hmmm..." Part 2

I was a member of Match.com for three months, fully paid up. The second that my account defaults to the basic where I have no elevated privileges, its popularity sky-rockets.

In my three months as a member:
Favourited by women: 5
Views: Unsure - probably less than 100
Messaged by women: 6
Winks (i.e. Facebook "pokes"): 0


In the week since my account lapsed:
Favourited by women: 2
Views: 30
Messaged by women: 1
Winks (i.e. Facebook "pokes"): 1

This isn't a one-off. I've noticed this kind of spike in activity after my two previous paid subscriptions had expired as well.

Sigh.

Things that make you go "Hmmm..."

KfW2 and I left the office for lunch. It was a bright, sunny day and I was looking forward to getting some fresh air. As we left the building, we bumped into CH. CH has not seen KfW2 for a few months now, but KfW2 is fully aware of my confusion regarding CH. Confusion in that I don't know why she's avoiding me, not any other kind of confusion.

KfW2 stopped for a chat. They spoke for a few minutes and then we walked on, parting ways. During that time, CH hadn't looked at me, spoke to me and had been standing almost with her back to me.

"That was weird!", proclaimed KfW2.

"What was? Or rather, did you see what I saw?" I asked.

KfW2 repeated the stuff I'd noticed by myself and added that she didn't even think that CH was going to stop to talk.

We nearly bumped into CH again on our way to meet CC for coffee. Once again, KfW2 spotted something that she thought was weird - a supposed look that CH gave KfW2.

"I'm going to ask her about that", decided KfW2.

They swapped more chat over instant messenger after coffee, but at leaving time, KfW2 wasn't saying anything. I wasn't asking either, and I don't know if KfW2 asked the question.

While I've stopped thinking about CH altogether, it was hugely deflating to see her behave this way. This is more than just a drifting apart or CH not being as good a friend as I would like. There's very obviously more to it than she's admitted or going to admit, but I am left in the dark. KfW2 knows that I am really clueless over this and that it's hugely annoying (especially if it transpires that it's something I have said/done and could have fixed).

To add insult to injury, CH has spoken more to KfW2 today than I have since Xmas.

About the only other thing she could possibly do now to ram her point home (whatever her point is) is to delete me from Facebook.

Resolution.

Well, the match.com thing has supposedly already been resolved and the refund should show up in my account within the next few days. I had thought I'd be required to fight a lot more for it - my experiences with Match are not great (that's my experiences with the company rather than the people on the website, but that's not a massively positive thing either).

I also had a night out with KfW2 - we ended up at a restaurant recommended by MM and MMBF, followed that with a few cocktails in the restaurant's own cocktail bar. We left there when a group of about dozen drunk women arrived. They were very shrill. Handily enough, there was a bar next door - the one I used to meet QC2 in when we arranged to meet up.

Despite having ten times the amount of people in it, KfW2 suggested it was actually quieter. We laughed, because it was true.

We settled into our seats and chatted about all sorts of stuff - work, dating, family, housing - all parts of our lives that are in flux at the moment. KfW2 admitted that she had wanted to set me up with a friend of hers (I'm nearly sure she's admitted this before), but her friends had talked her out of it. That's probably a good thing. I've seen pictures of this girl and there is zero physical attraction there - she might well be lovely (KfW2's not a bad judge of character), but without the spark, nothing will ever progress.

I also told KfW2 about a conversation I had recently with MM and specifically the bit where she asked how good I was in bed (I obviously neglected to mention the bit about admitting non-platonic feelings), and we had a laugh about that as well.

I need more nights out like that, I think, but the people I need to have them with (GM, KfW2 etc.) are the hardest people to pin down.

Digest this.

I've not been about here recently - busy enough socially and family-wise, so here's a quick digest.

My match.com subscription was due to expire a few days ago. I've not really logged on recently, but I did today in order to completely delete my profile, only to find I've been billed for another three months at a cost of nearly sixty pounds. For the past hour I've tried to find a contact email address for them, but to say that it's impossible to find contact details on the site would be an understatement. I've found a form on the site that looks as if it only deals with technical issues (there's no direct way to complain). I've asked for my money back immediately as I consider the way this has been done to be fraudulent. It's upset my good mood for the day.

I'm due in London in a few weeks for a concert. I'm spending two nights in London, meeting with FP, his wife and maybe a couple of other people if they're available. All the flights and hotels are booked and paid for, so I'm looking forward to that.

I had a last-minute night out with S last Friday night. He called and asked if I fancied a few drinks. I did, so we met up. Once his work mates left, the night became a lot more fun. We were chatting to an American girl and her husband, but my eye was drawn, all night, to a tall, thin brunette girl who looked very like Linda Fiorentino. I pointed her out to S, but she was married, so there were no chances of actually talking to her with a view of anything.

And that's been about it really since my last post. The Match.com thing is really annoying - I have a very low opinion of them anyway. I think their site is often misleading, hard to use, feeds useless results and a lot more. Now it's fraud.

Money, money, money.

While I've been getting along well with TV Guy recently, I've realised today, whilst doing an audit on my finances, that he hasn't paid me since December for his share of our TV and internet. I've no idea if this is going to be a big deal. The last time I asked him for money, he made a huge song and dance about getting value for money and complaining about the internet speeds (which were more to do with our hardware than our service provider).

It works out at slightly over £100, which is no small amount.

I'm also in the final stages of consolidating my finances so that within a matter of weeks (possibly sooner), I should be hitting the house market with a vengeance.

With my lease here running out in September, if I am lucky, I should be able to find a house and arrange to move in with no real impact to my current lease or having to intrude on family.

Assemble.

We had made arrangements to go out to the cinema tonight for the first time in ages with S, GM and FC (a guy who's often mentioned in passing on these pages but never named specifically) and his wife. In addition, GM asked if it was OK if Sports Girl came along.

It seems that whatever friction was between them as a result of the stuff posted here, it was all in the past.

Strangely though, GM had to cancel at the last minute. Sports Girl was still coming, but that wasn't particularly weird because she knows FC.

And when she turned up, the same feelings arose from the last time I saw her - lust mainly. She looked sexy enough in a tight t-shirt and jeans. However, I know she's not into one night stands (see: friction with GM) and she's not girlfriend material (at least not for me), so I laid no groundwork beyond being friendly.

S definitely is interested though and arranged to sit next to her for the film and I didn't think he was too subtle about it.

Nothing happened though and we all parted ways.

There's only a few days left for my Match.com subscription and there are going to be no success stories this time around. There are one or two women on Plenty of Fish that are causing a bit of a stir in my loins and have semi-interesting profiles which is at least a start, but I'll close that account as well once I message those women and run out of further options.

Disappointing this time around but not the crushing blow to my confidence that I've had on previous occasions.

Surprise!

BR sent a text yesterday letting me know that he was in town. Did I fancy meeting for a few drinks? You bet I did! I already had tentative plans to go out with FP anyway. We headed out slightly earlier than usual and had a few drinks. While browsing Facebook, we found out that MM and MMBF were out and about as well, so we arranged to meet.

MM called me to say that MMBF had gone home, but we persuaded MM to stay out a little longer. In the bar, before FP showed up, BR got talking to a couple of tourists leaving me chatting to MM. She was asking about my relationship status and I was pretty upfront about it - unhappy for a few years, no-one on the horizon, not meeting new people, tried online dating etc.

We mulled over possibilities including night classes (something that KfW2 and USHW have both suggested in the past). I said that it had been suggested before. She admitted that she had done something similar when she was single, but ended up in a class populated by elderly men. Then, somewhat out of the blue, she asked me about KfW2. Specifically, she asked if I were interested in her. I denied it, then immediately confessed to a little crush. That's not the strict truth, but good enough for the conversation. I admitted that there are a lot of KfW2's physical and non-physical characteristics that I would look for in a partner.

As if that line of questioning wasn't surprising enough, a few minutes later, once KfW2 chat was finished and we were back onto dating, her next question was definitely jaw-dropping:

"Are you any good in bed?"

I laughed. MM looked shocked at herself.

"I've never had any complaints and I assume if they don't say anything that I've done OK" was my reply.

I enjoyed the chat - bar KfW2 and USHW, none of my female friends tend to talk to me in-depth about my relationships or lack thereof. Certainly, no-one's ever asked the direct question regarding my happiness, not even AM or QC1 who I long regarded as being my closest female friends. They all say the same thing - "We think you're great and you should definitely meet someone" but it's rare that anyone actually wants to talk to me about it or actually do something to help. So, while MM was slightly embarrassed at some of the questions she was asking, I really enjoyed the convo and the chance to be upfront about the whole thing.

She left soon after and I enjoyed the rest of the night with FP and BR.

Also, as an aside, USHW and I were having a chat about what's happened in our lives over the past ten years and RB's name came up. Freaky coincidence then, when MF posted pictures on Facebook yesterday afternoon of RB's wedding. She's still cute.

One week to go.

In little over a week, my Match.com subscription runs out. This time, emotionally, I think I will be reasonably unscathed. At the same time, in three months, I will probably have messaged about six women, all with the same result. They were all cute and promising, but I've only been messaging those that I would definitely chat to and meet. Only one, as far as I can tell, actually visited my profile, so I guess the others weren't paid up members (despite logging in daily).

In roughly the same time period, on Plenty of Fish, I have messaged no-one as yet (though one girl has stood out) and have only had two visitors to my profile. Two. That's a kick in the balls. Two visitors in a few months on a free website, though I think you do haver the option of effectively hiding your visits to other people's profiles. I don't know why you'd want to do that, but hey ho.

But, with a week to go and a couple of promising looking women on Match, I simply can't summon the energy to drop them a line. I think part of the problem is that there's no spark of real attraction there. They're cute, yes, but they're not exciting me.

(Belated) Happy birthday!

As USHW reminded me only a few days ago, this blog reached its tenth anniversary on April 7th. A milestone that really passed me by completely. Surprisingly, I have confessed a lot more than I thought I would have both directly and indirectly.

To clarify, I have stated some things outright, but more can probably be gleaned if you read between the lines as well.

I told USHW that I'd do a bit of a retrospective, but I feel that there's a little more negative than positive posted here and don't really want to get too much into it. That's not to say that that's an actual reflection of my life over the last ten years - I don't think that it is. It's just that I've only really posted the stuff that has caused the biggest reaction and that tends to be the more negative or confusing stuff. Recently, that seems to have been CH stuff, or CB stuff or general funk stuff.

There have been other things though - my introduction to, and fast growing friendship with, KfW2. My friendship with USHW, though this is more a read-between-the-lines kinda thing than specifically called out. It's USHW you should blame for my constant drivel over the past ten years. Even some of the stuff that never panned out - the initial stuff with CB, the month of angst regarding RB - I still look back on reasonably fondly more due to how I felt at the time rather than how things actually turned out.

Another one - years before we became friends, KfW2 was mentioned in a couple of posts though she is untagged in them. E's emigration is detailed and tracked and that provokes a combination of sadness (I miss her) and happiness (she's very happy).

Overall, I wonder how my life has changed since BN first kicked off, but I don't think it has moved on that drastically. I'm still single and injury-prone which is where I was in 2005. Only one of those was a problem at the time though. My housing and professional circumstances have moved on, and continue to do so even now.

I don't know how much longer the blog will continue... I'm  not planning on stopping, but something in my head always made me assume that if I ever got into a serious relationship with someone that my posting here would be less frequent. Bearing in mind that the majority of my posts now are regarding online dating or my funk, that's not really a stretch. There's no-one obvious (the lack of social options or online dating is bearing fruit) on the horizon to fill that gap, so there's no end in sight.

I've had over 21000 page views (not counting me),but precious little in the way of commenters. I wasn't holding out to be the next Big Blogger a la Belle De Jour, but it would have been nicer to have received a few more comments and, perhaps, struck up actual conversations with people who had visited and taken the time to read.

Are you 'avin' a laff?

KfW2 sent a text message earlier.

"Have you been speaking to CH recently? Can she do me a favour?"

I laughed. It was only Saturday just gone where we'd last spoken about CH. I'd admitted even then that I hadn't made any effort with CH since Xmas beyond trying to get her alone for a chat. That CH herself hasn't suggested coffee, initiated any conversations or done any other activity that you'd associate with a friend who supposedly valued your opinion a great deal was telling in itself, long before she made herself unavailable for a serious, one to one chat. We spoke about it at length over lunch - easily a good thirty minutes of our time was devoted to that one topic.

But that's an aside. KfW2 had clearly forgotten that we'd had the chat recently which was the cause of my amusement.

Moving on.

So, after Heating Guy's spectacular meltdown last week, I guess you could say that the big goal that I have for this year is now underway - find somewhere to live on my own. That means I'm looking to buy my own place. Initial conversations with my family have taken place - I need help with the deposit - so hopefully we can thrash that out within a few days.

While I was at my sister's over the weekend, she took the initiative  and started looking at property websites and within minutes I saw a couple that really piqued my interest, falling into my price range (just about) and ticking the boxes I want ticked.

But I don't want to get too invested in anything I spot though. I don't want to see a great house, but lose out on it because I'm not ready. So, I have started looking a bit today, but not too much... not for a week or so until I can get what I need sorted - mortgage in principle, deposit etc.

Cheers. (Note, no exclamation mark.)

Sometimes, the problem with doing something really nice means that afterwards, things aren't great. I met with KfW2 today and we spent the afternoon having lunch, chatting and mooching about. We talked loads. While I didn't have a specific agenda for chatting, I feel like I didn't cover all that I wanted to, or even arguably the most important bit - my extreme unhappiness. That was partly because I was enjoying myself, so I lost track of time until she had to leave. From her perspective, she shared some not unexpected good news and I had a really pleasant afternoon. We also covered the recent house thing, some family stuff of mine, CH. I was toying with the idea of telling her that I was trying online dating again, but the complete lack of success has held me back.

I've always enjoyed KfW2's company, so it's no real surprise when we have a good time.

Afterwards, though, I felt drained. It didn't help that I woke this morning after a good night's sleep still extremely tired or that I was coming back to a house where one of my flatmates recently outed himself as immature/psychotic or simply that the afternoon was over with no further plans for today.

But I feel drained. And deflated a little.

Fuck it. I'm going to get drunk.

After dinner.

Ooookay.

I was going through a thread on the forum of which I'm a member and there was an "appreciation" thread about Alison Brie. Something niggled at me for a good while and I couldn't figure it out until it hit me... Alison Brie reminded me of CH.

CH is not, I want to add, an Alison Brie lookalike. Far from it, in fact. But there are one or two features that just remind me - her smile/mouth for example and just an overall vibe in mannerisms etc.

And for no other reason, here's a picture and animated GIF of the delightful Ms. Brie reminding me of CH.

There's also an element of QC2 in there as well, but it's not as noticeable or as frequent as those flashes of CH.

Oh dear (sigh 3).

Things have escalated quickly at Chez Ruuude. I'm not going to into the detailed ins and outs of lengthy "conversation" that I've had with Heating Guy today, but the upshot of it all is that he refused to take any responsibility for getting  the washing machine repaired or replaced. When I asked him to do so, he threw a massive strop and said that, despite being the person who found the problem, he was the last to know about the washing machine being broke.

So, I contacted the landlord to arrange a solution but I indicated that if the landlord had any questions to contact Heating Guy directly as he knew the details.

Heating Guy was livid. I was passing the buck, apparently. The landlord said that I'd passed the buck. He sent me screen shots of the chat. The landlord did say that. Heating Guy denied all knowledge of the incident and said that the washing machine "was not a priority for me right now". All he had to say was that it had leaked all over the utility room.

The landlord was in touch with me and within a few messages had arranged a replacement. I'm just waiting on the details for delivery etc.

That wasn't the end of it though. I sent Heating Guy the screenshot of my message to the landlord to show that, at no point, was I passing the buck.  More ranting. No matter what I said, the ranting continued until he outright accused me of lying about the washing machine, saying I'd broken it, tried to clean up after me and not told anyone. Pretty much he had done.

I've been open and honest about all manner of house stuff since the guys have moved in, communicating everything to them in a timely fashion and taking responsibility when something needs done (cleaning, getting decorators in etc.) and that he's done nothing but suit himself and avoid communication or responsibility, the evidence really does look bad for him. That didn't put him off.

"How can I believe you when you never told me about your argument with the neighbours about the noise?" was his logic. Well, I explained to him that last August was all very much last minute with MfW leaving with five days' notice, that he wasn't originally meant to take the room he finally got and while there was an oversight (I didn't tell him about the noise), it wasn't deliberate or malicious. I had other priorities.

It looks like his entire attitude about everything goes back to some kind of assumption that I lied to him about the room. He still doesn't believe me. According to him, I should stop trying to make things right and we should avoid each other, apparently.

Heating Guy is a basket case. I'm going to have to have a chat with TV Guy so that he knows the score. and I will be avoiding him. Crazy bastard.

Sigh 2.

Everyone except me was away home over Easter. Heating Guy came back yesterday, around tea time and put a wash on. Twenty minutes later, all I could hear was frantic coming and going from the utility room to, well, somewhere else. I've suspected for a long time that the washing machine is on its last legs and it certainly sounded like it yesterday.

Except, Heating Guy never said anything about it. He made his racket then left the house. I checked the utlity room. The floor was sopping wet, the washing machine was full but not running and everything was rearranged.

I said nothing. Heating Guy doesn't take any responsibility beyond his own comfort, so he'll leave empty packets lying at his arse. For example, at one point, he had four tea bag boxes, each with two tea bags in it on the kitchen worktop. Or the six empty packets of washing up powder lying in the utility room for months until our recent decorating.

He's not dirty per se, but he seems weird in that he will ensure that the cutting board, dish mop and dish cloth are all lined up around the sink exactly the way he wants, but he'll freely leave the ironing board up in the middle of the living room once he's finished with it. Don't get me started on the fact that his cutting board placement means it's difficult to turn on the taps without moving the bloody thing anyway or that the dishcloth is left sopping wet and gets mildewy smelling because it never dries out, but at least they're placed to his wishes. And more than once I've heard him set everything up, turn on the iron and then forget about it, including leaving the apartment.

His obsession with order might make you think he's a clean freak, but he's far from that. The communal bathroom, that I no longer use because I have an en-suite, is stinking. He hasn't (and neither has TV Guy to be fair) mopped or brushed or cleaned any of the communal areas since he moved in.

While I have been frustrated with TV Guy and his complaining about our internet, he's a reasonably decent bloke to talk to and if he did at least a bit of housework, he'd be a decent housemate. Heating Guy is just annoying me more and more with each passing day. The passive aggressive heating control, the lack of responsibility taken for anything and the compulsion to have things a certain way (see chopping board and ironing board), even if they make no sense is all starting to build up to some real frustration.

It's already started to leak out of me.

I sent en email when I got home today. It had been twenty-four hours since the washing machine flooded the utility room and Heating Guy had said nothing. Just like the last time when he blew the lighting fuses in the house, he sorted himself out and left the rest of us to fix the problem. I was adamant this wasn't going to happen.

So I asked both guys what had happened.

TV Guy arrived a few minutes after I sent the email and we talked it through. He was none the wiser about anything so we needed Heating Guy to confirm it was the washing machine and not something stupid that he'd done. Four hours after I sent the email, there was a reply...

"Looks like the washing machine is broke"

I replied immediately.

"Presumably you've contacted the landlord and he's arranging a repair/replacement?"

No reply as yet, but he has come back to the house and turned the heating on and full blast. On the warmest day of the year so far. No-one can be THAT cold, surely?

Sigh.

The funk manifested itself quite obviously yesterday. It was a glorious day, I was off work and after KfW2 cancelled on me, I had nothing to do. I tried to fill the time by doing some tidying up, I went out for a walk for an hour with some music, sorted some stuff out for work and that was it. I still had hours to kill and no-one to do anything with.

Stuff like missing dating and sex and stuff is all part of it, but most of it is the above stuff... that's when the loneliness really kicks in.

Rainchecks.

Hmmm... I was meant to be meeting KfW2 for lunch today, and I don't know about you, but it's is a glorious day here. So, when I sent a text earlier asking to confirm the time, her reply annoyed me a little (all quotes are paraphrased).

"I can do between 12 and 2 - have stuff to do before going away at tea time. Let's do fast food."

"Sure" I replied, but I wasn't happy at all about it. I'd actually messaged MM and MMBF on Facebook to see if they could recommend any nice cafés or restaurants. KfW2 had suggested we went somewhere new, so I had a couple of ideas.

She wasn't best pleased with my reply.

"Don't give that attitude! I am doing my best to meet you. If you wait til the weekend, we can have all day but I thought you'd be annoyed if we didn't meet today"

Now, she's right. I am annoyed that we're not meeting today, but given the option of doing a rushed lunch today or waiting a few days and not being against the clock, well, there's only one option. She should have suggested it outright instead of waiting until she realised I was annoyed. It doesn't have to be an all-day affair as she implied - I just want to be able to chat and enjoy the company without keeping an eye on the clock. Plus, KfW2's time management is appalling. She thinks she has two hours free, but she'd be twenty minutes late and then remember something else she has to do which means she'd have to leave fifteen minutes early etc.

She also sent another text:

"I didn't want you to think that I was doing a CH on you."

"You didn't. You offered to meet today even though it's inconvenient and suggested a better alternative. CH would have cancelled then never mentioned it ever again."

The upshot is that we're not meeting today, but we're meeting at the weekend. It's annoying that she left it this late to let me know about the tight timelines, but we already have another, arguably better plan in place. I just hope the weather at the weekend is as good as it is today.