It's amazing how a spell of good weather just increases the mood. I feel like I've been sleeping better, I've got more energy and despite being super busy at work and some family stuff going on, I'm in great form.
I took this afternoon off from work and have spent an hour doing some work in the back garden. I think I'm a little sunburned, but only a little.
I took yesterday off work as a last-minute thing. I explained that I wasn't feeling well, and that was the truth. I didn't sleep particularly well and ended up with, at best, two hours sleep. With plenty of time off in the bank, I decided that I wasn't in the frame of mind to battle my way through a full day's worth of work.
I managed to get some chores done around the house, which helped, but I still haven't reached out to the tradesmen I need to do some upgrades to the house. I'm being swamped with work and family stuff even though I can go online and submit a form. I don't even have to phone them. I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed with it all at the moment, so if I can get some of this family stuff done, that'll free me (mentally) to think about my house.
I'm really tired. I've been waking regularly around 5 AM for the past few weeks and struggling to get back to sleep. That's giving me roughly about 5 hours of sleep a night and it's catching up on me. There's other stuff going on and some that's requiring my attention and I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by it all. None of it is serious, but it's just inconvenient and sorta timely, so it needs done.
I need some time off. I have a week already booked at the start of next month, but I need something before then. And maybe not just time off, but maybe I need to do something fun/distracting with that time off? I'll need to ponder that.
I also have the gig with KfW2 at the start of next month before my week off, which I am already looking forward to, but I need something sooner than that, too.
I took another look at the weather this morning and the good weather forecast from the last time I looked has changed to a much more damp looking affair. It's disappointing because I could do with a spell of good weather to get stuff done around the house and garden. Plus it's good for the old mental health, you know?
KfW2 called. We chatted. She paused.
"Are you OK?"
I'm feeling a little lonely, taking a week off work hasn't recharged me the way I'd hoped and I've not been as productive as I'd like, especially with the garden. On the plus side, I've gotten some stuff in the house done, the family stuff is moving forwards (though it is taking a lot out of me) and I have recharged a little if not to the extent that I wanted. I said none of this to her though. I don't like having these chats on the phone.
"I'm feeling a little run down, but I don't think it's anything serious"
"You've sounded down the last couple of times I've called"
I'm not sure I agree with this. There have been times when she's called that I've been distracted or whatever, and yes been a bit down, but the last few times, I've been in good form, I thought.
"When I come back from holiday, we're definitely going out," she promised.
Well, yeah, I've been chasing you about your birthday for six months and I told you not two weeks ago that I'd be pestering you about it in August when you come back... was something I thought, but didn't say out loud.
Regardless, there was more chat. She disappeared for a bit into a shop then called me back and we continued the conversation. She reiterated her promise to meet up after her holidays and we ended the call.
The thing is, there's a reason I try to get her out in the first half of the year for her birthday. It's because it's her birthday, for starters. Secondly, my birthday's in the summer months, so once we pass that, then it becomes a joint thing. We lose "our thing" which is taking each other out for lunch or dinner, and KfW2 has, in the past, been vocal about making sure we have our things.
And, yeah, back to work tomorrow after a whole week off. Tomorrow's going to be a long day.
The family stuff is ongoing, but the good news is that this phase is almost over. A particularly tricky task that I maybe had to do has been completed already without my intervention and I can sign some papers in two weeks time. It could be sooner but other people are off on their holidays, so two weeks is the next time our calendars can align.
I'm not going to lie, it's been tough, mentally. The reasons for me doing this stuff are not great, and every time I need to do a task, it takes something out of me. That's not going to change, but it might be a little less frequent from here on it.
The loneliness has been a big thing over the past few weeks. I don't know if anything specifically has triggered it or if it's a culmination of a lot of things. I suspect the latter.
I've not seen my sister in weeks. That's because I haven't made the effort to go see her. I've been in this house for nine years (roughly) and not once has my sister made a random visit, even with the current family stuff going on. She has been here, but only for pre-planned social events or if I've asked for a favour. But it still feels off that she seemingly makes no effort. Any time I've mentioned my mental health not being great, I'm always told that the door is open, but is it too much to expect my family to care about me? this is something that has bothered me for a while now. I remember chatting to USHW about it back in early 2018.
The KfW2 thing is an issue, too. I've brought up the topic of actually meeting rather than getting 10-minute conversations here and there, but when it comes to actually arranging anything, it just turns into hard work. If I brought it up, KfW2 would point to her family or blame her ADD for not being able to arrange anything. But I miss her and I am a little angry with her that it's this much work, especially with FP's absence.
And FP is never far from my mind. There are still times I pick up the phone to message him about something stupid or football and catch myself on, mid-reach.
And E is coming home, soon. I don't know if we'll get one of our all-day things going, but it would be great if we did. At the very least there'll be a few evenings out, and I can't wait.
G is due home too. He has his own family stuff going on which means he would like to be here. I had thought he would have been over already (he has specifically said he's coming home), but a visit is imminent. Next weekend with the music thing going on would be ideal, but it could be any weekend this month or next.
After chatting with Nerdy Girl on Monday night over coffee where I suggested that I might show some symptoms of autism, I found a UK-based website and took their course. Nerdy Girl suggested that it might not be autism per se but rather personality quirks. She might have a point, but it's pretty difficult to know without sitting down and spending time with someone for a full-blown diagnosis. If KfW2's experience is anything to go by, these can cost up to £1000 and have a year-long waiting list... if you're lucky.
Anyway, the results of the test weren't that shocking. I've done several over the years and they all return broadly similar results. I experience a lot of the symptoms though not to a high degree, so it's always been a borderline kinda thing.
Your score suggests you experience many or all of the most common traits experienced by autistic people.
What should I do now?
The assessment for autism is very in-depth and will go into a great more detail than the above quick indicator test. You may therefore want to consider whether a full assessment will be helpful for you – our triage team can explain this in more detail. A full assessment will also look at other common mental health issues, such as depression, anxiety and ADHD – it’s common for autistic people to have another issue as well, and often these can be successfully treated.
If you are at all concerned about how you are feeling, we would always recommend speaking to someone. Our team of clinical advisors are all trained professionals who are able to help identify if there might be a problem that we can help with. We can arrange private psychiatric assessments and therapy sessions at one of our 21 nationwide locations.
The difference this time, that would actually make me consider this is the fact that this particular site suggests that an assessment might also consider other factors. I've never seen that mentioned before and is actually making me seriously consider this. I still have the links that the attractive blonde HR girl gave me at the start of the year that I have yet to use, but I wonder if this is something I can do through work?
I had another KfW2-related dream last night. Specifically, we were at a social thing. We managed to grab a 5 minute chat where KfW2 admitted that we'd probably not speak to each other for the next few months, despite the fact that we'd be in the same place. Obviously, when I woke up this morning, I felt really down as a result.
This is all tied into whatever it is I've been feeling over the past, say, month or so. I think I've blogged recently about being all over the place, emotionally. The whole semi-paranoia about my friendship with KfW2 is only one aspect, but probably the most consistent.
I don't know what the kicker is, but I've been feeling really down today. I don't know if that kicked off the KfW2 funk or the other way around. I've also been feeling really off about work, too. An apathy and general unhappiness all rolled into one.
I think part of that is I'm feeling quite pessimistic about a requested pay rise that I asked for about a month ago. My boss is meant to be having a meeting with me, but the last update I had was Tuesday. You'd assume that any good news would be communicated quickly, wouldn't you?
So even though I just started a new job at the start of the year, being refused the pay rise (despite offering a load of objective evidence why I should get one) isn't going to help my current ambiguity about whether this is what I want to be doing.
There were anxiety issues that were a problem at the tail end of 2021 that I still haven't addressed. You may remember that the attractive HR girl had given me some stuff to follow up on, so I definitely need to do that. Again, this isn't procrastination but rather a memory issue. I remember now that I want to look into this. Come Monday morning, when I settle into work, will I remember to get the details and follow up on them? That's been the issue with a lot of things, including house renovation and other to-do tasks over the past year or so.
I think I need to sit down, give myself a really hard kick in the fucking arse and start making more of an effort on several fronts.
Yeah, so I called KfW2 to tell her I could do some babysitting. Yes. I know. I'm a sucker for a pretty face. Or the fact she's a friend that I care for and won't see a friend in need. I still can't shake something though - the frustration or disappointment that it's taken so long to get her out.
She dropped another comment - she's going out tonight for a birthday party. Then she drops it...
"I just can't face going out any more"
Instantly, I wonder if that's why she's been so hard to pin down and even then, when I do get her to talk about a night out, that she only ever considers her local bar.
I'm probably over-thinking this, and I'm sure some of it is related to the lockdown of the past few years plus her mental health issues that I mentioned before, but it's frustrating to have this stuff brought up as a throwaway comment in a completely different conversation... much like the way she casually mentioned that she had plans for the evening of 11th June, thus rendering our own tentative plans moot, when we were talking about work.
Still, it could all fall through. She hasn't actually booked a table for the event tomorrow.
I've been feeling really off for the past few days. I can't put my finger on it. It's a combination of a few things - there's a lack of sleep (though for no real reason that I can put my finger on). I've been queasy for the past 48 hours, too. Emotionally, I've been up and down.
The emotional thing is, I think, partly influenced by KfW2's job hunting. Oh, and the fact that a lot of people are leaving my current company including MFF and the attractive HR girl. Loads of people who originally joined around the same time as me i.e. people with similar backgrounds and histories.
While I've not sat on my arse doing nothing (I'm currently in the middle of my second re-training in three years and I've moved teams/departments), I do kinda feel like I'm being left behind. I can't figure out if this is a personal or professional thing. Professionally, I don't want to do what KfW2's done and go into management. That's not me. Personally, I think those Tinder statistics have hit me a little harder than expected.
Should I apply for jobs in another company? I'd get a great pay rise, though strictly speaking, I don't need the money. I am comfortable. Nerdy Girl asked me to apply for her place, though I really need to address the anxiety issues before I even think about any of this stuff.
Sigh. I need something nice to happen.
It was a mixed day. I slept poorly. No, strike that. I slept well, but I woke early. Probably around 3:30 AM and I didn't really get back to sleep. I got up around 9 AM, though hangover-free, which was great bearing in mind that I'd been drinking with FP since 4 PM the previous day until about midnight, all thanks to the FA Cup final and Eurovision Song Contest.
KfW2 messaged me about noon. Was I still interested in doing something with her? I certainly was. The original plan was for her to pick me up at 1 PM. She would call into the shop, and then pick me up she advised, so this was slightly later than planned. I went off to get ready.
I didn't hear my phone chime again with further messages from KfW2 as I was off brushing my teeth etc. It was 45 mins later when I looked at my phone. Actually, she asked, did I mind going to hers, instead? I mean... I don't mind going to hers, but it's usually 90 minutes door-to-door, and two bus journeys and a 20-minute walk. Plus, there would be a restricted Sunday service.
I replied back and let her make the call. She could stick with the original plan or she could ask me to go to hers. She replied instantly - would I go to hers? I replied in the affirmative and started planning the journey.
As I said above, I don't mind going to hers, but it's the last-minute change of plans and unexpected inconvenience that I don't like.
Anyhoo, long story short, I had a great day and I never mentioned my frustrations because, as USHW is fond of telling me, I'm a sucker for a pretty face. When the kids were away playing, we even managed a semblance of a proper, grown-up conversation. The main talking points were work and mental health.
I'll not bore you with the work stuff (I might post at a later date about it), but the mental health chat was interesting. It kinda started because KfW2 was asking me about DSC and her recent Facebook messages, so I read them out to her.
"Were you in a bad way when you stopped talking to her?" asked KfW2.
"Not that I can remember. I don't think so. Certainly not depressed or messed-up as she claims."
"When was it?"
"The last time I spoke to her was the week before your wedding."
"That's nine years ago!"
"Yeah."
"Mmmm. I don't remember you having any issues back then. Moody, maybe, but nothing like she said."
Which brought us to our current mental health. I admitted that I thought mine was in a bad place, but also admitted that I couldn't put a finger on exactly what might be wrong. I suggested that lockdown, the pandemic, work issues in 2021, lack of exercise and isolation/isolating were all taking their toll.
Later, back at KfW2's (we'd been out to a nearby park for a walk), I expanded a little and suggested that my own non-professional diagnosis was that I was an introvert with social anxiety issues. I think I've pretty much admitted the same thing on this blog.
I'd also shared with her that the attractive HR girl had given me some leads on help with anxiety issues that I was facing at the end of last year, but I'd not yet followed up on them. Like a lot of things, they are sitting on a "to do" list that I keep forgetting to check.
"I kinda think that if I start unravelling those (the 2021 anxiety things), that it's going to open up a can of worms, too."
"Don't bury this, though," advised KfW2.
"No. I hope that now we're coming out of isolation and stuff, plus the summer coming in, that I can get out, be more active, see more people and that'll help. If my assumptions are correct, of course. If not, then I'll look into it."
She nodded.
"Please do."
KfW2 paused.
"And I'm here for you if you ever need to talk."
"Thank you," I replied.
I knew that already, but it's nice to hear.
"No one said adulting was this hard," she said.
I stepped in and hugged her.
"No. No, they didn't. And you know that I'm there for you too, right?"
She said nothing but squeezed a bit tighter.
We moved on to other topics, and I left to get the bus home a short while later. I had mixed feelings coming home - a little lonely, a little melancholy, but really glad we had the talk.
I sent a somewhat last-minute message to CC last night, to see if she fancied heading out for some food. I was bored, needed a change of scenery and had nothing in the house until Tesco comes tomorrow (or I get off my ass and go shopping). She was off at a gym class, so turned up at my house in her yoga pants and a tight t-shirt.
We ended up in a burger place and she started talking.
With CC, it's always the same subjects: KfW2's career, my house (and the work required) and my fitness. Don't get me wrong, it's nice that she cares, but it often feels like a lecture. I don't do lectures. I never have. If you can adopt a tone that makes it 'advice' rather than a 'lecture', or offer to find solutions, then I am always open to feedback.
So, when I am lectured by CC about the work that needs to be done to my house, I am often pushing back. Part of it is real - I've had issues getting tradespeople out to price up some of the stuff that I want to do (and there's a long list of things that I want to do), so the work tends not to be done. Ideally, I'd like three or more quotes for a specific job, but if I can get one, then no one else will come out. Then it gets side-lined for a while and I have to start all over again.
There's also the pandemic fallout to consider. My mental health has taken a beating. The isolation, work issues, lack of exercise etc. of the past two years has drained me. My motivation for pretty much anything has all but disappeared.
So, when CC started her usual line of inquiry last night, she sensed that there was something different to my push back, and asked about it.
"Was I tired?" She didn't mean physically. She sensed the lack of motivation was different to before.
Fair play to CC. I'd always considered her to be rather cold and uninterested in people other than herself and asking questions because she felt she had to rather than being genuinely interested in the reply. I think I've complained in the past about how she communicates in a way that makes her out to be selfish, so this was a very refreshing change.
She was also very chatty about KfW2's new job. CC didn't know that I know, and I never admitted to it. So CC spilled KfW2's secrets without a second thought. KfW2 would be angry as hell if she found out.
The timing with KFW2's admission that she's job hunting was interesting. I'd had a similar conversation with Nerdy Girl last night and I did share with her that I had a gut feeling that KfW2 was looking elsewhere.
But the conversation was actually about me. There seems to be an awful lot of people leaving our company recently, so I was explaining this to Nerdy Girl.
"You're happy where you are, aren't you?" she asked.
"I wouldn't say that," I explained. "I've been pondering a change for a while now, but my anxiety is really stopping me from moving to another job, even though I know I could get a substantial pay rise, and I'm kinda looking for a change in what I do anyway. I'm bored, fed up or burned out doing what I do."
She nodded.
"I'm not unhappy. But I could probably do with a change if I could get my head in the game."
KfW2 sent me a message late last night. Was I awake?
"Barely," I replied.
I was awake, and reading a book, but it was near midnight. What did she want?
I eventually drifted off to sleep with no further contact. When I woke this morning, WhatsApp was silent.
So I replied to her asking what was up. She immediately called.
It turns out that she's looking for a new job, and not within the company. It was funny, cos even though she was recently promoted, I had a gut feeling she was looking for change. She wanted me to proofread something for her, but she decided that as I had said I was barely awake, she wouldn't bother me. It put me in mind of CH, who asked something similar of me a few years back where I effectively filled in an application form for her and got her an interview.
Back to KfW2 though. Looking to a brand new company is a big thing for KfW2. She suffers (or at least suffered) from the same type of anxiety that I do regarding interviews, so moving jobs was a big thing for her. This is an extension of that. This time, though, I don't think the desire to move is about money. It has been almost solely her driver in the past, despite her protestations to the contrary.
This time, it's about work/life balance. Traditionally, our company has been at the forefront of WLB in the industry in my city, but the pandemic and lockdown have seen that advantage eroded as other companies have been forced into adopting similar policies, probably much quicker than they might have done ordinarily.
KfW2 is adamant that other places now offer much better WLB. I'm not entirely sure that she's correct, but she won't listen. Plus, this is about workload more than anything else. I don't know that moving to another company is going to make her workload any less.
She admitted that, when she first moved into a new job back in 2018, she took some time off for stress because she didn't feel that she had any direction and was left to figure things out for herself. This is news to me. It seems that she's recently admitted, more than once, to taking time off due to mental health reasons, but never shared that information at the time, and I never picked up on it.
I think part of that is the ever-growing distance between us that started when she took that first step away in 2018 and has steadily grown wider since. I've no insight into her life any longer. We've seen each other three times in the past 12 months, and one of those times was a write-off as she had a complete mental breakdown in front of me. The others amount to a total of a couple of hours, with her kids in tow.
I'm concerned. If she's been stressed and has current mental health issues as well as confidence issues, I'm not sure that looking to move to another company is going to be good for her. I don't know if I should bring it up. She knows I care, but she's also a very stubborn woman when she's made up her mind.
