Free failing.

Another recurring dream of mine last night: that I'd failed my university exams. It's always university exams, never GCSEs or A-Levels. And the dream's always the same: I know I've failed them, I was totally under-prepared and I have to sit there while my peers celebrate their exams.

The relief when I wake and realise that my university years were 30 years ago and I'll likely never have to sit an actual exam ever again is palpable.

When I have recurring dreams like this, I always remember back to FBS's house. She had a book about understanding dreams. On her bedside cabinet? Beside the sofa in the living room? I can't recall the exact details.

Apparently a dream about failing exams usually means you feel anxious, stressed, or underprepared for a challenge in your waking life. 

Plot twist.

Until yesterday, part of me had expected KfW2 to invite CC to our dinner and drinks. It was a gut feeling. I was getting the same vibes as I had done from a few years ago where KfW2 refused to commit to a time for dinner and when I tried to book something, options were limited.

When I offered her the choice of where to go and the times, she threw a huff and shared that she'd also invited CC, and we ultimately met for dinner at a restaurant near her house (20 miles away) and that was it - no drinks after or anything.

So, yeah, given her inability/reluctance to nail down a time for dinner, I was getting those vibes again. 

But then it turns out that I'd forgotten that CC's in Portugal with GB. A fact that I was only reminded about when GB posted on Facebook. Lots of pictures of food, no pictures of CC in a bikini.

So...

The decision was taken out of my hands... ish. KfW2 phoned and we chatted. I shared the news and she immediately offered to rain check. That was never in doubt, really. She might be flaky when it comes to nights out but she's understanding and empathetic, and that's why I value our time together, and alone, because when I do open up, she's always there.

Well, fuck.

The bad news that I was hoping to share with KfW2 at the weekend has gotten worse to the point where I might actually have to rain check the dinner "date" with KfW2 on Saturday.

Part of me thinks I should call her tonight and just do it, but part of me thinks that things could stretch out for a week or so and I really could do with a night out with someone who wasn't family. So that part of me is thinking that I give it 24 hours before I make a decision.

Finally!

It's only taken a week and FOUR requests, but KfW2 has, at last, told me when she's free this weekend. I've managed to book the restaurant and now I pivot to a different kind of stress. Will she be on time? 

Oh, and she's invited someone out to join us after food. They may or may not come out. Sigh. I'm really disappointed that she doesn't get it by now, that getting her out, on her own, is a big deal to me. It was only a few days ago that I told her I was really looking forward to this night out.

I have news to share. It's not good news, though it's not unexpected. But it's the type of news that, once shared, would make anyone feel guilty that meeting up, face to face, is this much work. It's news that she will want to know.

But, y'know, even with it all, I'm looking forward to it, to seeing her and having at least an hour or so to ourselves at the very least. 

What time is it?

One of the last things I wanted to accomplish today was to nail down a time for Saturday for meeting KfW2 for dinner and drinks. Regular readers will know that this is always an issue when do manage top agree on a date. KfW2 has a blind spot for this and I always have to ask several times for her to tell me what time she's free. Like really force it out of her.

I'm single and free all weekend. She's married with kids, so has a husband and the kids to work around. It's not like I can simply book something and she can work round it. For all I know, she wants a mid-afternoon start and a mid-evening finish. And I'd be all for that. But it could be a lunchtime thing (I hope not) or an actual evening thing (very unlikely).

I've already asked her twice and I am just off the phone, having left a voicemail, to make three times in total over the last six days. So that's three times in total I've explicitly asked her for a time. Sigh. 

Great success!

The good news is that I accomplished most of what I wanted to do today. And the stuff that didn't get done was because I can't find the paperwork or I'm waiting for other stuff to be completed before I can move forwards.

I'm glad. I genuinely thought, at lunchtime, that this was going to be a wasted day of annual leave, but three phone calls, two emails, a bank transfer and two-and-a-bit hours later and I'm wrapping up.

I was supposed to be meeting Nerdy Girl this evening for a walk, but she's yet to confirm. It wouldn't bother me if she didn't confirm: I'm exhausted. Doing that stuff today was emotionally taxing. Though the weather's nice, so a walk would be pleasant.

Oh, and as I am typing this out, NG has rain checked this evening.

Shhhhh!

I did end up taking today off work, but I've not yet start the stuff I want to do. A builder has turned up to finish off the work that was started a few weeks back and he's creating a hell of a noise, so me being on the phone trying to sort stuff out isn't happening. 

I'm useless on the phone at the best of times, so having this distraction is something I could do without. Hopefully though the guy will be finished before lunch and I will have the afternoon to get the three or four phone calls (and other things) completed.

Who are you?

I didn't get the stuff done today that I was planning yesterday, but it wasn't due to laziness. Rather, I got sidetracked into doing some house stuff like prepping the garden for winter:, packing up the garden furniture, mowing and trimming the lawn etc.

It actually makes sense that I do the other stuff tomorrow because I might have to make some phone calls. The downside is that I might have to take tomorrow off, if I want to get everything done, because they're not the kind of tasks I can do in 5 mins if I get some quite time while working.

I did sleep well last night and woke refreshed this morning. I do recall a dream, or at least a bit of a dream that featured CAB. In the dream I was at a party, possibly at KfW2's house, and she introduced to me a friend. When I looked up, her friend was standing with his "plus one" who was CAB who, for some reason, didn't recognise me.

I don't remember a lot more about the dream than that, but it provoked a smile when I recalled it when I woke. And a little nostalgia about CAB, of course. 

Urgh.

I was quite drunk last night. I got a decent night's sleep, but struggled to get out of bed this morning. After indulging in some 'me time', I eventually got out of bed just before 11 AM. But I've been feeling muggy all day. I always do after a night out drinking.

I'm already looking forward to my bed tonight and having a clearer head tomorrow. I have stuff I need to do that requires concentration. 

Back chat.

I've posted before about my appreciation for women's backs and, by extension, women in backless dresses. So I was pleasantly surprised to see this picture of Desi Lydic around the recent Emmys. I think I've posted her before because when she does hosting duties on The Daily Show, she wears suits. And i love women in suits.

But this backless dress is doing things for me. I love the backless dresses that go all the way to the base of the spine - I think they're incredibly sexy.

 

 

Go me!

Years ago, one of my online hobbies (the one most frequently referenced on this blog), was writing consumer reviews. I got paid for it (pennies), but it was fun, there was a bit of a community (I 'met' A, F, K, USHW and others). Writing helped me order my thoughts and improved my written communication. At least, I believe the latter to be true. I guess only someone else can actually say whether it was good or not.

Regardless, it wasn't all consumer reviews. Sometimes it was creative writing (urgh) and sometimes it was opinion pieces. It's the latter that I want to talk about. I wrote a piece on artificial intelligence. It randomly popped into my head earlier, so off I went to find it. It's no longer available online, but most of my work was drafted in Microsoft Word and I still have copies of most of my pieces from then.

So the last edit date on the file is 11th October 2001. 25 years ago. And I have to say that it's fucking excellent. Well, maybe not excellent. My writing has improved a lot since then and I could be a lot more professional and clear if I were writing it today. But what is excellent are my predictions:

• Natural Language Processing
• Speech recognition
• Autonomous vehicles
• Image processing/recognition
• Chatbots
• Portable translators
• Programming assistance/debuggers 

That's not bad for 25 years ago, is it?

Safe to say that I am feeling quite chuffed with myself at this point. And I'm semi-disappointed that the websites in question no longer exist because I would be doing some serious gloating around now. There were a few members who claimed to be experts that were nowhere near as prescient as I was.

It's date time.

Today is an anniversary of sorts. It's the day I joined my current company. Well, it's not really. That was actually 2 weeks ago, but through some legal shit, they never counted the two weeks of training and I only signed my employment contract on this date. But this time twenty and a bit years ago, I was sent to the States to work for three months.

I remember telling F all about it - we were chatting regularly on MSN at the time. That was the trip where I met V. She was very excited for me.

I'd forgotten all about it until I got an email in work this morning from our HR system reminding me of the fact.

Oh, and it's also CC's birthday today. I sent her a message wishing her a happy birthday, but I am a little surprised she didn't suggest dinner.

Out and about.

I spoke with Ideas Girl today. She's part of our social committee, so she knows what's going on, what's being organised etc. Sadly, we're not having a Christmas party. We haven't had one since pre-Covid and I haven't been to one since, I dunno, 2016 maybe? But I quite liked the idea of getting dressed up again and putting on my suit.

And there's no work thing this month. Well, there is, but it's not our usual trip to the pub and it's on a Saturday night. Quiet Girl said she didn't know if she would go, but I'm already booked up. It's the same day that I'm taking KfW2 out for dinner.

Speaking of that, we've finally chosen a restaurant. It's one of KfW2's favourites, which I knew, but we try and go somewhere new and I couldn't think of anywhere. I might have posted before that KfW2 rarely makes decisions about these things.

All we need to do now is figure out a time. I'd prefer to meet late afternoon and maybe go to mid/late evening rather than an afternoon start and dinner time finish or a late start and late finish. But kfW2 is the one with commitments, so I've asked her. 

Feeling off.

I've been feeling off over the past 48 hours or so. I'm struggling a little to make sense of it. I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed, and that's being fed by the house stuff that I need to do and the logistics around that. 

The family stuff hasn't helped and it's ongoing - it'll take up some of my time today and tomorrow for sure. I took all last week as annual leave, but I don't feel recharged in the same way that I did with a week off at the start of July. There's other stuff going on as well, but I can't identify what it is or how to process it.

There might be an element of work stuff, but work's OK at the moment. It's just a general long-term worry that I have.

And the result, when I'm feeling this way, is that the loneliness kicks in. At least part of it is a need or desire to talk to someone. Someone close to me, but not family. Talking to my sister doesn't really scratch that itch. The night out with KfW2 will help, as long as there's no mucking about. And I haven't ruled that out and it's still 2 weeks away.

Not quite the Friday evening I had planned.

Sadly, I had yet another evening of indulging my appreciation of women in scrubs. Thankfully, it wasn't anything hugely urgent or life-threatening, but no-one wants to spend 5 hours sat around A&E waiting for a doctor to come "soon" to give you information about an elderly relatively illness.

And as cute as the nurse was who was attending to my relative, she was unable to offer anything concrete in terms of information or time scales. I left the hospital after midnight with no further information than I had when I first arrived at 7PM.

In fact, he wasn't actually seen until just before lunchtime today. That's over 12 hours lying in a bed in A&E before he was seen by a doctor. That gives you an idea of how serious the illness is but also how busy A&E was (or maybe how poor the A&E processes are that it took 15 hours for a 5-minute diagnosis).

Out and about.

FBS messaged last night. Not specifically to me, but in the group chat with D and Friction Guy. So we could potentially have a night out in October.

That means that before the end of October I could have about 4 nights out. Next Friday, I'm out with my sister at a pub quiz. the following week, I'm out with KfW2. Potentially there's a work night out at the end of September, and if not, a near-guaranteed one in October.

Plus this planned October night with FBS etc. 

I'm looking forward to them all. 

Weird.

I'd say that 90% of the work is now done. And that's all of the work internal to the house. Some bits and pieces to finish off outside, and that'll be this stage of the work done.

For some reason when the last guy left the house about an hour ago, the stress just left. I don't know why. I didn't feel that stressed. I mean, yes, I was stressed (I have posted as much about it this week), but I thought only a little. 

And horny too. Is that weird? Is there a link between stress and horniness? Literally, the second the guy drove off, the stress left and I got horny as hell.

There's still work for me to do: the entire house needs cleaned, vacuumed and mopped. While it wasn't as messy as I'd expected, there's still a fair amount of dust and rubbish generated. I also need to move some furniture around to compensate for my lack of usable space in the kitchen. But I can't be bothered with that right now. Those are jobs for tomorrow and the weekend.

Celeb-a-like

There's a woman who pops up in my online dating apps every now and then. She's attractive, has a great figure but isn't really doing anything for me. I swipe right every now and then, but nothing's ever come of it. And even if we did match, I'm not sure I'd progress anything. She gives off "high maintenance" vibes and that is sooooo not what I'm looking for.

But today's perusal of social media and up pops attractive comedian Ellie Taylor (you know where this is going, right?) and slap me silly if doesn't look like the online dating woman [in this particular photo]. I think it's the dark eye makeup that's doing it. The online dating woman seems to wear that all the time (at least in all her posted photos).

Ellie Taylor is a fine looking woman.

And another thing...

Going back to the post I made yesterday about the anxiety kicking in with regards the home improvements. It's more than simply not being able to deal with people, but something akin to decision paralysis as well. I see the work that needs done, but I can't get my head around where I should start. It's why I've always wanted someone to oversee the entire project (for a fee). Yes, it might cost me an extra couple of thousand pounds, but the work would have been done long ago if that were the case. Managing it myself is where the delays come in as I procrastinate due to the anxiety/stress that it all causes me.

Additionally, I rely on my sister and brother-in-law for advice, for two reasons. Firstly, my brother-in-law is kinda in the construction industry and secondly, they've had LOADS of building and renovation work done to multiple properties, so I go to get feedback and bounce ideas off them. But as I've said before, they're massively inconsistent. Advice they might give me today would not be the same advice they give me at the weekend. That breeds doubt. Doubt breeds stress and anxiety.

And while it might seem minor to other people, I'm really proud of myself that I've started this work that could take until next summer to be complete.

Just do it.

Today, I've been swapping text messages with USHW, and as part of that, I've been sharing my plans for the house and the work involved. And, I'm not going to lie, it's made me anxious. I think it's the scope of things that need done and especially the number of people I need to talk to in order to get the work done. Until now, it's all be compartmentalised: plan stage 1, do stage 1, plan stage 2, do stage 2 etc. but chatting with USHW has reminded me of the scope and it's something I'm not really cut out to deal with on my own.

That's always been an issue for me. I'm just not great at dealing with people... strangers... especially in real life. I worry about getting out someone who will do shoddy work, for example. Or get someone who's difficult to deal with. And I know it's all worrying about something that will likely not happen.

I know what I want to do. I'd say that the actual planning is 90% done. The remaining 10% is picking out a new kitchen and fine tuning some bits and pieces off the back of that. But I kinda know what kind of kitchen I want, what colours I'm interested in, the layout, where the various appliances are going to go etc.

I just need to put on my big boy pants and do some fucking adulting. 

Research.

It's been a couple of days of research. I'm off work due to the house stuff that I'm getting done this week. As a result of that, I need to look at outdoor storage: sheds and the like. 

Additionally, I'm also seeing where I can go with KfW2 in a few weeks time. She typically doesn't make any decisions. In fact, the last time I recall her making a decision was when she took me out for a milestone birthday celebration. That's possibly the only time in the past decade. I can't recall any other time she's made a decision.

I'm having a hard time finding restaurants that I've not tried before or would like to try again. I still have a few weeks to ponder this, though. 

Tidy.

It's maybe a bit early to say, as the work's only maybe 25% done, but the guy doing some of the work has just left the house and I have to say that I am really regretting not getting this work done years ago. It was never about the cost... I've been able to afford it for years, but I had always assumed that it would be dirty, disruptive work.

And it hasn't been... not really. I've had to do some dusting and vacuuming, but like 10 minutes worth. And there's no other work left to do. No plastering or anything. I don't know why I made that assumption, but it was there, and that's what was stopping me from pulling the plug a while ago.

Sigh. 

Going b(l)ack.

After yesterday's posts about QC2 and CAB in Levi's, I've gone head and ordered myself a pair off Vinted. A black pair. Reliving my youth? Maybe, but with my recent weight loss, I want to find jeans that are a better fit than the ones I've been wearing for the past decade or so.

Why black? I don't know. It must be at least 20 years since I've owned a black pair of jeans. Possibly even one of the pairs that I mentioned yesterday that FA2 bought me.

No ifs or butts.

As a gamer, I watch a few streams on Twitch. One of my more frequent watches has recently been sponsored by Levi's. Every time the ad pops up, she claims "it's the butt ad!". That reminds me of my appreciation of QC2 in her Levi's. I've probably posted about that before. I wasn't alone in my appreciation, I know that. But you know who else also wore 501s well? CAB.

I wore 501s myself around that time, and I got my fair share of compliments about my ass. QC2 herself admitted it was decent. FA2 loved my ass in 501s to the point where she bought me a couple of pairs when she was in the States one Christmas (to be fair, she owed me a pair because she got paint on mine). Wrong waist size, mind you, but still.

Sadly, I don't have that butt any more - I don't play sports and I'm pretty sedentary - a combination that doesn't really lead to having a nice butt. Back then, I played a lot of sport and I did a lot of walking, even if my job was sat at a desk all day long.

Looking up.

As part of the ongoing family stuff, I had to make another journey into the city centre this morning to pay some bills. Sigh.

However, on the way out of the city centre, a group of about 20 American people got on the bus. Two talking points: the girl who was leading the group looked like a cross between E and Quiet Girl or Kate Mara... so extremely cute. And secondly, the journey they took was like a 10 minute walk (6 minutes on the bus). It's not like it was a difficult trip - it was literally a straight line from the bus stop to their destination. And the weather's really pleasant, too.

So, yeah, very cute American woman made a portion of the journey quite pleasant. 

I decided to get some groceries in, too. So while I was wandering around the local shopping centre, I decided to all KfW2. It was a short-ish call by our standards (10 mins) but we've tentatively agreed to meet for dinner and drinks at the end of the month. Yay!

There are a couple of social things happening this month plus an outside chance of a work event, too. 

FFS.

Those who are regular readers or those who know me IRL will realise that I'm often quite frustrated by two things: poor communication and a lack of consistency.

So, I've had all those things this week. My sister was meant to be in touch on Tuesday, and wasn't. I asked my brother-in-law for a favour today, texted him to confirm (I'd taken some time off work for it) and he replied saying that he'd injured his back and was immobile and had been for days. And today, I received a text message about some work I'm getting done to my house, explaining that I needed to pay the builders directly... this was completely opposite advice to what I'd gotten last week saying I could pay the company who would pay the workmen.

So, yeah, pretty pissed off that I had to chase up my sister (she is completely useless at proper communications, and it always feels like I'm chasing her up). I'm  mildly annoyed at my brother-in-law for not letting me know earlier that he was out of action for the favour I asked. And I am very annoyed at the company I've contracted to do the work to the house because I had to run to the bank at the last minute on a Friday afternoon to withdraw several thousands of pounds in cash so I can pay the builders on Monday. Oh, and the stress of walking around the city centre with this amount of cash on me, too.

I was kinda lucky |I wasn't working this afternoon, otherwise getting the cash might have been tricky.

Yawn.

My sleep over the past few nights has been awful: waking numerous time a night and finding it difficult to get back to sleep. It got to the point where I was tired this morning with a massive headache. I decided that I'd take a last-minute day off and get some sleep. Or try to - I'm not big on sleeping during the day.

So I logged on to the work laptop and was greeted with three reminders about urgent meetings this morning. Fuck. I'd forgotten all about them. 

I battled through the meetings and decided I'd still take some personal time this afternoon. I still have the headache, but I don't think I'm that sleepy any more. Tired, yes, sleepy, no. 

I'm sorry Dave.

I read something yesterday in Wired that suggested that the big tech CEOs like Elon Musk, that robot who runs Facebook and the rest of them are having a hard time with the fact that there seems to be major pushback by "ordinary" people around AI.

I use AI in work, so you can regard me as being a bit more tech-y that the average person, but even I have issues around the momentum regarding AI.

1. The data centre and environmental cost

There's obviously the data centre issue. As AI and LLMs become more widespread, we're going to need a growing number of enormous data centres to run them. These facilities consume huge amounts of electricity and water, and require significant physical infrastructure. So there's a legitimate question about what the environmental cost of the AI boom will ultimately be — particularly if we're deploying these systems at massive scale.

2. The hardware cost

Then there's the hardware. AI requires enormous amounts of computing power, memory and storage, and AI companies and data centres are hoovering up these resources at an unprecedented rate. That has knock-on effects for everyone else. If demand for computer chips, memory and storage increases dramatically, those components become more expensive — and ultimately so does everything that relies on them: phones, computers, tablets, servers and countless other products.

3. Is AI actually making our lives better?

I'm increasingly sceptical about the promises that AI is going to make people's lives better. How, exactly, is my life getting better because of AI? At work, I'm increasingly expected to produce more within the same amount of time because AI supposedly makes me more productive. But is it doing my chores? Is it giving me more free time? Is it making my life meaningfully better, or is it simply allowing employers to expect more from me?

4. The loss of jobs

Then there's the obvious concern about jobs. My industry has been decimated over the past few years. Some of that is undoubtedly a correction following the over-hiring that happened during Covid, but I also think some of it is driven by the belief among The Powers That Be that LLMs will allow one person to be as productive as two or three.

Don't get me wrong: I accept that the rise of AI will create new jobs — jobs that don't exist today, just as previous technological advances have created entirely new industries and professions. But I'm not convinced that the number of new jobs will make up for the number of jobs that disappear. I can see AI increasing productivity while simultaneously reducing the overall number of people needed to do the work.

5. We're moving too fast

Finally, I think we're moving far too quickly. Let's assume that LLMs are here to stay and that they're going to have a significant impact on employment. What exactly are our governments going to do about that?

It feels as though there should at least be serious discussion about things like Universal Basic Income (UBI), retraining and other ways of supporting people through a potentially enormous shift in the labour market. But I don't see much evidence from my own government that it's seriously preparing for that future. Instead, we're being sold the AI/LLM dream while the potentially enormous social and economic consequences are barely being addressed.

If the CEOs want me to buy in to AI, then it has to have as big an impact on my personal life: more time, money/spending power etc. and not just be a tool so I can be more productive for The Machine. Address that and I might be more sympathetic.

So what are your thoughts about the rise of AI?  

Looking back.

Something I meant to mention in my last post is that on my way round to my Dad's house, I took a minor detour to walk past a couple of specific houses, namely those where BW and FA2 used to live. That's how they met: they were originally neighbours.

I only met FA2 a couple of times when she lived beside BW and I barely remember talking to her. So it was a surprise when BW told me that she had separated from her husband and that she had specifically told BW to tell me.

Our paths only really started to cross after she'd moved out of the marital home. But I'd always wondered when she'd started being interested in me, romantically. I think it was a lot earlier than she ever let on, even when we talked about it.

At last.

I managed to get some chores done today that I've been putting off all week. And why have I been putting them off? I didn't want to leave the house. That's what it boils down to. And it wasn't laziness, it was something more. Not a fear of going outside, but it was something more than just not being bothered about taking the 20 mins to walk to my parents' house or the 30 minutes to walk to my sister's.

Still, I managed to get around this mental block this morning and do both the things I needed to do, with a bonus 3 mile walk thrown in for good measure.

There are things left to do, but nothing that can be done until Tuesday, after the Bank Holiday. 

What?

A random thought popped into my head this afternoon in the middle of a work meeting. Well, not a thought per se, but a memory. It was from a time where E and I were doing some travelling. We'd gone on this course to do some black water rafting and this attractive Australian girl had joined us throughout the day.

I think she was interested in me. IIRC, E thought she was interested in me (I think she made a comment about body language). But the Australian woman was unconvinced when E (repeatedly) explained that we were mates, not romantically involved. I think I made a few tentative attempts to see if we could get physical, but she steadfastly refused to move away from the idea E and I were a couple. Oh, and the Australian girl was leaving town first thing the next morning. So a night out on the town followed by a night in bed isn't really what she wanted when she was getting up at like 5 AM.

I've no idea why that popped into my head at 1:30 PM this afternoon, in a boring meeting with my boss. 

Woohoo!

I finally got an install date for the work that I want to get done to the house. It was, in theory, meant to have been done by now, but it was always a rough kind of estimate "ten to twelve weeks". Twelve weeks from the order date was last week, so it's only a few weeks later than I'd hoped and a couple, of weeks before I needed the work done by.

I need to kick my ass into shape. I have three things I need to do now. One is buy a shed, the second is some building work and the last is a new kitchen.

The shed is important. I've got stuff in the house that needs to be stored elsewhere, so I do need the storage the shed would give. Once I've gotten the shed and moved all the stuff out of the house, then I can think about the other pieces. 

Plans.

It's started feeling autumn-y, Or, rather, it's been like that for the past few days. I'd hoped we might get some good weather into September, but the forecast for the next week or so is not great.

And the nights are getting darker, too. It was pretty dark last night by 8 PM. 

I've said it before, and I'll repeat it again, I hate the winter months. I like daylight and warm, I dislike darkness and cold.

Summer has been decent this year - a spell of great weather in June and July and it's been warm otherwise. I think I used the weather quite well - took some personal time at just the right time - but I also feel I could have done more. Hosted some people for drinks in the garden, for example.

Maybe next year if I get the work done that I want to do. 

Days gone.

Facebook threw up a memory of, you guessed it, a night out with KfW2. We were at one of my favourite city centre bars, and I ended up taking a photo of KfW2, at her request.

And I'm not gonna lie, it's an OK photo - slightly out of focus. But it's one of my favourites that I have of her, I think. She's wearing a black jumper and I think she had her hair dyed black at the time.

But it's not really about the photo and more about the memory, from 14 years ago, back when nights out with just KfW2 and I were a semi-regular thing. I still really miss those, from time to time. 

Pondering.

I had half expected to hear from KfW2 this weekend, if not to suggest doing something, then to at least call after her comments from last weekend. But nothing so far. I've been super-busy all day long with family stuff that I think might be mostly sorted, at least for now.

And I need to think about taking some time off work. I have a lot still to take between now and the end of the year.  I usually take a week off around now, but I'm due to move to a new team in work (to report to the tall drunk girl) and I don't want to do that the first week on the job, but I don't really have much choice. I'm also getting some work done to the house imminently that might require taking some time off, and it's entirely possible that it could be the first week of September, the same week I start the new job.

Party on!

I heard a rumour a few days ago that we might actually have a company-wide Christmas party this year. it's been a while since we had one, since before Covid, and even longer since I last turned up to one.

In fact, I think the last one I was at, I left early due to a funk. The one before that, I turned down the tall women (who will be my new boss in a few weeks time), mainly because she was too drunk.

And it's 13 years since the "who knows" incident with CH. A night where I also, if I recall correctly, danced briefly with Quiet Girl after dragging her onto the dance floor.

Our Christmas parties used to be fun. The core team that I used to work with, that included KfW2, started to break up around 2016 which coincides with the parties becoming less fun but before that, we were a close-knit group (thanks to me).

I posted this rumour into a group chat, which includes Quiet Girl and Stalky Guy. QG seemed quite interested in attending if this all turned out to be true. I can't remember the last time I saw QG in anything other than jeans. It could have been that Christmas party in 2013.

I might even go this time, too. Now that I can fit into my old suit, and I actually think I look good in that suit, it'd be nice to have a reason to wear it that wasn't a funeral. I know that KfW2 thinks I look good in it (but then again, she was with me when I bought it, so it had her seal of approval from the start). But I also know that CH loves me in it. She's told me so, but she's also eye fucked me when I was wearing it (and she was sober). And USHW has also shared her appreciation, too.

Zzzz (cont'd)

Yup, I caved and rainchecked again on Nerdy Girl. I can barely keep my eyes open. When I sent the message an hour or so ago, I was actually planning on going to my sisters to try and solve some of the family stuff (paperwork), but I don't think I'm capable even of that.

I'm due to finish work early tomorrow, so I'll go to my sis's then and get that sorted. I need to do more family stuff on Saturday morning and maybe, just maybe that might remove some of the blockers to being able to manage this from home, online. 

Hello there.

In my last post, I mentioned being out with work last night. It was a somewhat impromptu affair, kicked off by the sudden appearance of an American colleague. Well, I say "colleague" but she was a colleague's boss, so I don't really have any direct professional entanglement.

Still... free dinner and drinks is free dinner and drinks.

And it was fun. The American girl was quite nice, and despite the fact she was quite senior in the organisation, she was quite open with information and opinions, which was refreshing.

She also, physically, gave off big QC2 vibes. 

QC2 vibes aside, I liked her. I don't say that about all my foreign co-workers, especially those in senior management. I guess it was her somewhat unguarded conversations that felt honest rather than those who just trot out the company line all the time. That was refreshing in itself.

Zzzz.

I was meant to be meeting Nerdy Girl tonight, having rainchecked from Monday, but I'm tired: partly due to having a few drinks last night, being out for a work thing and waking this morning at 5:30 AM and not being able to get back to sleep.

So I'm not really feeling it for tonight, but I don't really want to postpone on her again.

FFS. (cont'd)

The family stuff continues to be problematic, this time for different reasons and it's frustrating me and angering me because I feel like I've been wasting my time running around, completing paperwork for no reason.

I'll make more effort to resolve this because if it stays the way it currently is, I'll have much more running round to do instead of being to manage some stuff online, saving me time, money and effort. 

FFS.

I took a few hours off work earlier to do some family stuff, with my sister. It was a meeting that we'd requested and it had already been cancelled. 

After an hour, my sister and I prepared to leave. before we left the building, I called the person we were meant to meet. She didn't answer. A co-worker picked up.

We swapped formalities. I stated that I was not happy that I've taken time off work, for that to be wasted, and for a meeting that had already been postponed at the last moment.

She apologised and said her boss would be in touch. 

A few hours later, her boss was in touch.

I re-iterated my points from earlier. 

"It says here that a message was left on Friday." 

"Not to my phone. It's on me pretty much all the time. It could have gone to my sister, though she would have checked her phone even if she didn't pick up the call. Do you know what number was used?" 

"I don't, but I can ask my boss to call you when she's next free? That might be a day or so, though."

"Yes, please." 

I gave my sister this information.

"No-one left me a message."

"Well, someone might phone me back and we'll find out what number they used.

A few hours later, my sister calls me.

"That thing we wanted to happen? Well, it's going to happen."

That's good news, but there's also context.

Something changed mid-May, and as a direct result of that, there was a medical issue. And now, three months later, the thing that had changed is now being put back in place. So we're back where we started, except the medical thing has happened and is having a daily impact. And to say that I am furious is an understatement. 

I know this is vague and might not make sense,  but I wanted to get it out there, to vent a little.

Ring, ring.

A surprise phone call from KfW2 earlier. Unsurprisingly, she was in the car on her way back from the shops, cramming some last-minute chores into time she didn't have because she's off on a family weekend away for her mother-in-law's birthday.

The conversation was cut short because her husband was calling her and she promised to call back.

She didn't, of course. And I wasn't expecting her to: she had to go home, pack, sort our her three manic kids and leave for a 60 mile trip to the Air BnB.

But I sent her a message - Facebook reminded me of a visit to my house from KfW2 about ten years ago with her eldest daughter in tow, and I got a couple of really cute pics. I sent them on to KfW2. she replied quickly.

"I totally forgot to call you back! When are you free next?" 

Free next for what? A phone call? Dinner and drinks? I was getting mixed vibes from the question.

"I'm free anytime"

That's true.  After a busy-ish July, my diary is empty.

How long will it take KfW2 to reply? 

Hey, sweet thing.

I've mentioned before that I've lost weight over the course of the last like 20 months or so. And it was tough, but I managed to overall stick to the plan: portion size, less bread, less cheese, less snacking.

I never quite hit my goal - at my best, I get to within a pound or two (1kg) of my initial target weight - but that can't take away from the overall loss. 

But in the past two weeks I've had a serious craving for something sweet - anything really. Chocolate, ice cream, sweets... and it's not just a little niggle at the back of my head, it's a full-blown "can't think of anything else" for hours at a time.

I can't crumble. The "food noise" in the back of my mind still hasn't gone away despite nearly two years of eating better. It's still more prominent when I'm bored, and it's easy to be bored when you live on your own with limited in-person contact with other people.

Let's hope this craving goes away soon.

Wonderful?

Do you know who randomly popped into my head this afternoon for seemingly no reason? Sports Girl. I don't know why. I'm still her friend on Facebook, though I've not seen her post in ages. Last I heard, she was living in Spain with a guy, as a scuba instructor or something like that - a far cry from her days as an engineer.

Do I miss her? It's difficult to say. She "disappeared" long before she left the country when she started dating GM, and was at least self-aware enough to keep her distance when they split up despite being friends with The Crowd.

I daresay that if I re-read the lengthy conversations I had with USHW about her would bring back some frustrations around her flakiness and going non-contact for no reason. And a different kind of frustration from that two month period where I was trying to bed her. She did look amazing in that Wonder Woman costume though.

Dance the night away

I've booked my tickets for the gig at Xmas, with my favourite band at CB Pub. My sister and brother-in-law are going, too. While no-one else has said anything, I'd be very surprised if there weren't others there - AM, QC1 in all likelihood. I suspect M could show his face if I told him about it.

There's an outside chance that Quiet Girl might show up too if I let her know. She seemed to be quite impressed by the band at the end of June .

Even if no-one else shows up, I'm already looking forward to it. 

Grrr...

Adulting fucking sucks. I'm dealing with more family stuff - financial this time. And it always feels like there's more trouble than it worth. Like I can't just pick up a phone or send an email and get it sorted. There's paper work, applications... stuff that just rears its head for seemingly no reason.

And I think that's bleeding into some stuff that I want to do for me, to the house, and up until now I've been quite excited about getting the work done despite the fact it's going to decimate my savings, but now I'm suddenly anxious about it.

Sigh. 

Bah (cont'd)

Brother-in-law just messaged. He's literally waiting for the bus into town. I've just started cooking tea. Even if I were inclined to join them, I'm probably 2 hours from leaving the house. If he'd messaged an hour ago, I'd have cooked earlier or grabbed something in town.

Why is it so hard for people to communicate? 

Bah.

My brother-in-law sent a message at lunchtime. Did I want to go to the festival? I mentioned it in my last post. It's a music festival across the entire city centre. Facebook has been full of people having fun. But it's not really my thing. At least the music genre isn't really my thing.

I replied back and asked when they were thinking of going, I suggested that I'd probably go, but as it wasn't really my thing, I'd probably not hang around for long. I'd show my face, soak up some of the (supposedly excellent) atmosphere and then head back home once I'd had enough. And I reckon I'd probably not last 90 minutes, but it's the kind of thing that probably worth experiencing, right?

But that was hours ago. 

As I said, I'm not massively bothered about going, but still... I asked a direct question. Are they already there? When he said "later" did he mean this evening rather than the afternoon? I definitely got "afternoon" vibes from the message.

This is typical of my sister and brother-in-law. Communication is woeful. 

Chores.

I was going to cut the grass today - I've not touched it in about a month, and the weather forecast suggested it would be dry. but the weather forecast is wrong. It's been raining all morning, so that's scuppered that plan.

I also had a chore that I wanted to do in the city centre, but there's a massive festival going on, and it's going to be really crowded. I might wait until Monday morning, take some time off work and get it done then. It does need done though, so I can't hang about.

Urgh. FFS.

More poor quality sleep and a dream that felt more like a memory than anything else... purely because a lot of the dream did take place. It involved FBS and I having a slot of sex. And that was pretty much the dream.

In real life, we'd been to the pub, she'd asked me back to hers afterwards, we'd kissed on the sofa which escalated, she asked me to stay, I agreed, we went to bed, fucked, fell asleep and spent most of the next day in bed going through another couple of rounds. Late afternoon, I eventually left to go home, shower and change before heading out to the pub again. 

And that was pretty much the dream, except we were a lot more adventurous in the dream than we had been in real life.

Going back to the real life aspect of my memory/dream, we might have repeated the same feat that second evening, too. There was definitely a weekend where we did just have sex and go to the bar, but whether that's the night of this dream, I can't say. And because it was the middle of Winter - mid-January, I think - I don't think I saw daylight for nearly three days.

So not only am I still exhausted after nearly a week of rotten quality sleep, I'm now uncontrollably horny, too.  

Date for your Diary.

The poor quality sleep continues, as does the remembered dreams. This time, there's a festival in my hometown. I'm out with friends, enjoying the vibe and who sits beside us in the bar? Anna Kendrick. Obviously, I have a huge crush on her, so I'm chatting away, making small talk and it looks like she's actually enjoying herself and our company.

Then this faceless, unidentified, guy comes over and tries to butt into out conversation. I'm annoyed, but AK is trying to be nice, but this isn't working in getting the guy to leave.

And that's kinda the tone for the entire dream. I'm chatting with AK, we move from bar to bar, enjoying the festival, trying to get a feel for what she might say if I ask her on a date and the same, faceless guy keeps appearing to ruin the vibe we have, presumably by trying to get AK on a date. 

The dream ends when I wake up without any resolution. I don't have my date with AK, but neither does the random guy.

Wow.

As part of our work things, we often get in a private casino. We "gamble" using fake money, but it's usually good fun. I've posted before about one of the women who shows up to work at these events - our paths have crossed elsewhere. She's attractive and has a great smile.

Well, there's a piece in yesterday's LA Times about Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles fame, and stone me if the cover photo of the piece doesn't give off huge vibes of the casino girl. 

Dreamy

Two different dreams to report from last night. The first involved travel to Canada, but the details are now vague. I don't think it featured anyone I know or any celebrities nor can I remember any specific scene... just that it involved travel to rural Canada.

I woke up in the middle of the night, so that was it for that particular dream.

The second dream is again quite vague, but it featured some kind of underground community - think Zion in the Matrix films.  Like the first dream, I don't think it featured anyone specific, though some people might have been mashups of people I know. I'm pretty sure one unidentified person was a mashup of KfW2 and CB - I came out of it with a sense of familiarity rather than being able to identify specific people.

But two different dreams and more than a little weird. 

Talky.

KfW2 has been chatty today... at least via text message. That's weird for two reasons: firstly, she's been difficult to contact recently and getting a response from one text message is usually considered a bit of a result. Secondly, she's back at work today after over three weeks off. She gets super-focused when she's at work and doesn't usually reply to messages until after she's clocked off, but I must have gotten half a dozen messages today.

Wind down.

I only left the house to go to the cinema, so it's not like I can claim that I've done hours of chores, but that little thing alone has made me feel like I've accomplished something today.

And that's the last thing, socially, that I have on my radar for the foreseeable future. July was decent: work event, out with AM, out with G, a week off work, dog-sitting and a gig with AM and Quiet Girl (technically June, but it kinda fits this time period to count it as July).

KfW2 was in contact late on Friday night, claiming that she's on a detox, having been drunk for the past three weeks while she was on holiday. So that potentially means that her offer to take me out won't be any time soon, which is disappointing.

Urgh.

I'm feeling really lethargic today, which is not surprising seeing as yesterday was our work's summer party and I wasn't exactly sober. It was a good night, as predicted. There were about 9 in our group with a few people coming and going throughout the evening.

As tends to be the tradition these days, we finished the night in CB Pub, at Quiet Girl's insistence. Not that I put up a fight, mind you.

And an interesting finish to the night where Quiet Girl's friend got a bit tactile in the taxi - not crossing any lines - just tactile. She hasn't said anything, and beyond that first night that I only semi-remember, she's never done anything in our subsequent meetings.

But I am really lacking any kind of motivation today. 

Things that make you go "hmmm"...

Hot on the heels of my sex dream featuring CC a few days back, I had another one last night. This time it featured KfW2. Maybe calling it a sex dream is a bit much, but it did involve KfW2 and I being in a relationship. Sex wasn't the focus of the dream, though there were scenes where we were in bed, naked, and sex was implied. The focus was KfW2 trying to get me to open up, to communicate and to vocalise my feelings for her.

However, no matter how many times I told her that I loved her, she couldn't hear it or refused to acknowledge that I'd said the words. 

While CC's appearance in a sex dream was bemusing, KfW2's appearance is causing a little more confusion. I know that sex dreams aren't literal, but that still doesn't stop me from being concerned about KfW2's appearance in last night's dream.

In real life, KfW2 has made a couple of comments about the fact I've not told her that I love her as much as she thinks I should. Maybe it's just me, but while I have said it to her and meant it, telling someone else's wife that I love them on a regular basis, even platonically, doesn't sit right with me.

My friendship with KfW2 is very special to me, it's extremely important to me and I know that it's not something that's common: a single guy being close to a married woman. I know people have raised eyebrows that we've gone to the pub and gotten drunk together or that I've stayed overnight at her house while her husband was away. I'm not even talking about strangers who barely know us but people who've met us both, like CH, for example. 

I know CH was always intrigued by my friendship with KfW2, specifically that it was very much a two-way friendship and that KfW2 was as much a driver for us doing dinner and drinks as I was. This was obviously in stark contrast to my friendship with CH. My brother-in-law was surprised when I'd said that I'd been at KfW2's one evening for drinks while her husband was out with his friends, and he didn't return home until lunchtime the next day. 

So, yeah, I love that KfW2 wants me to tell her that I love her even if it doesn't always sit right with me, because it reminds me that she cares.

But really, the events in the dream better mirror my relationship with FA2. We weren't great communicators, though FA2 might argue that she was (she wasn't). I didn't vocalise my feelings towards her as often as she wanted, though from my perspective, I always thought my actions should have said enough. She needed to hear the words though. And one aspect of the dream rang true: I did say the words. She claims I never did.

It's safe to say that I'm a little confused this morning, the dream has thrown me a little, and I miss KfW2. 

Weather or not.

I'm looking forward to the work summer party this coming Friday, though with half an eye on the weather forecast, it's potentially going to be a damp affair. We've formed a fairly decent core group of people who usually attend these things with Stalky Guy and Quiet Girl and myself, plus associated colleagues.

Last year, we sat outside and stayed well after everyone else went home. Whether that happens this time is another matter, and the weather will be a factor in that. In previous years, we've adjourned to CB Pub afterwards, which is kinda central to everyone.

I do pride myself in being able to bring everyone together, and everyone genuinely tends to get along, which is always a bonus. 

WTF?

I had a dream last night where CC and I went on a city break somewhere. Nothing out of the ordinary in that. CC features in dreams occasionally, travel features in dreams quite often. What doesn't feature in dreams or thoughts in general is me and CC having sex.

But that was a large part of last night's dream.

CC is attractive. Physically, she ticks boxes: brunette, tall, great figure. But I don't think I've ever thought about her from a sexual perspective. Her personality always deflects from her obvious physical characteristics. Maybe a dream before? But never an actual conscious thought. Not that it concerns me... I'm a little bemused by it.

But last night's dream has given me though about travelling. 

And it was.

It was a decent night, last night. QC1 didn't show up, but she had been in contact with AM outside of the WhatsApp group.

I arrived on-time, got a beer and found some seats. Twenty minutes later, Mr AM walked in. 

"We're in the other bar"

CB Pub has like three different bars, and AM favours the one with no atmosphere, no natural light, is quite dark and is, IMO, very... oppressive?

So, yeah, they arrive later, instantly go to that bar then come looking for me. I don't think I blogged about it, but I was pretty sure this was going to happen.

Regardless, minor frustration aside, it was a decent night, catching up with AM and Mr AM. Another couple arrived  - the couple who said they were clearing out their kitchen.

But it's not something I'm inclined to do again soon.

We did talk about the useless WhatsApp group. I did say to AM that I was considering leaving it, which she was surprised about. My complaint about people not having the decency to reply to a question fell on deaf ears even though AM herself has been vocal about arranging things. The QC1 thing is a case in point. If I were relying on the WhatsApp chat, I could easily have been doing something else last evening.

"I was never not coming out," said AM.

"You suggested rescheduling in the group on Tuesday!"

"Yeah, but..." AM trailed off. 

I did try and catch the eye of an attractive blonde woman who was with a couple of friends, but AM's choice of bar was against me - not only is it dark and oppressive - it's not really a bar for mingling in the way the other bars would be.

She was really cute, though, in an Elizabeth Banks kinda way. 

Get on down.

While out at CB Pub last night, I saw a poster for my favourite local band. They're playing CB Pub a few days before Christmas. It's a Wednesday night, but I'll likely be off work anyway, so a few beers and some great music would be very welcome.

I think it might be stress free this year, too. I think we (the adults in the family) have agreed to only buy the kids, so no stress about buying presents as the kids will just want money.

Cooking up a storm.

Years ago, in the early stages of dating FA2, she decided to move house. That prompted two things: firstly, an unspoken agreement that we had to "christen" every room in her house and secondly, and most obvious, that she needed to do a clear out and pack.

As part of the clear out piece, we were doing her kitchen and I marvelled at how much foodstuff in her cupboards was out of date - mainly cooking ingredients like spices etc. I'm pretty sure I scoffed at her for having things that were ten years old in her cupboard.

Well, luckily no-one was around when I binned off a lot of stuff earlier today. Like FA2, a lot of spices etc. but also a lot of dried foods: rice, lentils etc. and cooking kits.

Hopefully, though, once the next few phases of house upgrades are complete, I'll have a better kitchen that will allow me to do more cooking. I do enjoy cooking, I just don't have the space currently to get into it properly.

And, yes, we did christen every single room in her house... many times over as it turned out. 

Here we go?

I'm looking forward to seeing AM and Mr AM tonight. To the best of my knowledge, no-one else is showing up. At least, no-one's said anything in the group chat. It really wouldn't surprise me if QC1 and her husband showed up. That's typical of QC1. She'd only have said anything if she were unhappy with the arrangements.

the girl who started the WhatsApp chat has claimed that she's clearing her kitchen in anticipation of getting work done soon, so she can't attend. Guess who else has been cleaning and clearing their kitchen in anticipation of getting work done within the next few weeks? Yep, me. And yet I'm still organised enough to attend. After all, this isn't a last-minute thing. The date has been out there since the start of the month.  Anyone not replying to say they can/can't make it is just plain fucking rude.

Plans.

Remember a few weeks ago, I stated in this post that I had tentative plans in place with AM and her husband to do dinner and drinks? Well, a few days after that, AM posted in the Quiet WhatsApp Group about it. I was the only person to reply. It's now two weeks after that again, and the tentative date mentioned is this coming Saturday.

I skipped the Quiet Group and messaged AM directly: are we still doing Saturday?

No reply as yet.

Regardless of what happens on Saturday, I'm leaving the group on Sunday. What's the fucking point when people don't even have the decency to reply to a message/question about meeting up? It's not even me being ignored, but I'm still angry at their uselessness.

(As an aside, I fully expect QC1 to be in touch with AM directly and if we do go out on Saturday, I expect QC1 and her husband to show up.)

Work and Play

Quiet Girl pinged our group chat in work earlier. Were we still going to the work even at the end of next week? I replied saying that I was. No-one else has said anything as yet, but I'm looking forward to it. It's been good fin the past few years and I think our group will be a little bigger than last year.

It might be similar to the year before that, though, where we ended up in CB Pub and QG's friend might have made a suggestion about me calling her.

That was a great night, and if we get close to having a night that good, I'll be pleased.

I will say that my capacity for alcohol has greatly diminished over the past year or so. Even on Saturday out with G, I only had like 5 pints over 5 hours and I was definitely not sober. 

It's weird... I can drink a lot more in the house than I can in the pub. 

But something to look forward to nonetheless. 

Walky talky.

Nerdy Girl finally replied to my message from last week. We swapped a few messages and we're going to meet on Thursday for a walk. It's been ages since we last met - maybe the start of June? So it'll be nice to catch up. The weather's gotten a bit cooler, so it'll be easier to do a walk of a few miles compared to last week.

Suits you.

Shortly after posting my last post, G was in touch. He was in the city. I replied and told him I'd meet him in an hour. That would give me time to finish a couple of chores, get showered and get the bus into the city.

And so it was, pretty much exactly an hour later, that I rocked up in a local tourist bar to meet G, his wife and youngest son. And it was good fun. We parted ways around 7:30 PM after roughly five hours of conversation and banter. Despite only having 5 drinks was very tipsy and horrendously dehydrated.

That's been a feature of me drinking alcohol over the past month or so - it doesn't take a lot to get me drunk, I don't like being drunk (even more so than in the past - this feels like a different type of drunk) and I get dehydrated really easily.

And as a side note, I had a bit of a strut on. I wore some of my new clothes - a shirt and a pair of jeans - and I caught myself in the mirror before I left and I looked good. I can't remember the last time I thought I looked good to the point where I actually had a confidence boost - probably wearing a suit and getting compliments from KfW2/eye fucked by CH. 

The Emperor's Next Clothes. (cont'd)

So after all that nonsense from the past few days, I got a text message saying that the second, and final, clothes package was ready for collection.

It (the clothes) reminds me of a couple of conversations from years ago. The first was with QC2 and a couple of other female co-workers. I'd commented that I didn't like "ornate" clothes or clothes with ornate designs during a random conversation. Then, one day, when I turned up in a pink t-shirt, I was called out for being a hypocrite (not by QC2, but by the other girl). My argument was that bright colours did not fall under "ornate" designs.

I also had a conversation with F back in the day where she saw photos of me and was surprised that I was wearing colourful clothes. She'd gotten it into her head that I only wore black, for some reason. It was an assumption she couldn't really explain.

Regardless, I've got some really nice (colourful) clothes to wear for a fraction of the price they'd normally be. Result!

The Emperor's Next Clothes.

I order a bunch of stuff from the Next summer sale a few weeks back. It was meant to be have been delivered to the nearest store today, but I've just had a series of messages that are contradicting each other.

1. The order's not arrived at the store, but they're expecting it imminently. It's on its way and will arrive within a few days.
2. We're getting your order ready and we'll let you know when it's ready for collection. 
3. Your order has been delayed and we don't know what it will be delivered. You can cancel if you want.
4. We're getting your order ready and we'll let you know when it's ready for collection. 
5. We're getting your order ready and we'll let you know when it's ready for collection. 
6. Your order is ready for collection! 

Yup, that message came in twice (4 and 5). For two different portions of the order. I ordered like 5 things: an order of 3 and an order of 2. But now it looks like there's an order of 4 and an order of 1. And the order of 1 is now ready for collection, but the bulk of it is nowhere to be seen despite being ordered first.

Very confusing.

Just deliver my new clothes already.

Plans ahoy!

G was in touch late last night. We've tentatively arranged to do something tomorrow, but the timing is still to be confirmed. It could be afternoon, it could be evening. With the weather the way it is, I don't really care either way.

I think G is leaning more towards coming into the city centre, but I don't really mind. It's unlikely that he'll be alone. I know his youngest son and wife are also over, so they could well be in tow. I don't really know his kids, and I've only met his wife a few times. She's one of those who doesn't show her face too often.

But it should be a decent afternoon or evening out, regardless. 

Incommunicado

Not heard back from G, though I wasn't expecting anything today, to be honest. My assumption is that he'll get some family stuff out of the way, freeing up the rest of his time here. And if memory serves, he said he'd be here until Sunday.

What is slightly more concerning is the lack of contact from E and Nerdy Girl. E eventually replied to my birthday wishes with a message, which I've replied to. But that was over a week ago and she's said nothing since. And I sent Nerdy Girl a message a few days ago suggesting we meet next week for a walk, but she's strangely silent too. It's only been two days, but she's rarely, if ever, taken longer than 12 hours to reply to a message.

I sea you.

G's just been in touch. I might have gotten it slightly wrong about his trip over. I think, this time, his wife is also over, and they're staying in a seaside town only a few miles away. He's suggested getting a train into the city for drinks, but I've countered that with an offer to get the train to them, for drinks.

For starters, it'd be a nice change of scenery. Secondly, with the weather the way it is, the idea of outdoor pints looking across the sea from a nice pub has a real draw to it, don't you think?

I'm just waiting to hear back from G. 

Q?

Back in the day, when USHW and I used to have our conversations via email, we would often ask direct questions of each other. Sometimes they were personal in nature and sometimes they were just random nonsense, like:

"You wake up one Friday morning and found that you were in a bloke's body and you somehow knew that you'd transform back being to being female on Sunday night, what would you do for the weekend?"

But I had a dream last night. I can't remember the details beyond waking up this morning and thinking "That'd be a brilliant Q for USHW".

But, like the dream, it rapidly faded and by the time I'd had breakfast, brushed my teeth, gone for a walk and returned home, the details were gone.

Planning.

G's meant to be back home from Thursday to Sunday. given the weather, I'd rather hoped he'd be in touch to maybe plan something more substantial than an hour of dinner and a swift pint somewhere. Maybe take an afternoon somewhere between my house and his sister's house (where he stays when he's home).

I know of just the place, too. Or a couple of them, to be precise. One right on the coast,  one attached to a hotel but would be brilliant for an afternoon of pints.

Things to do.

AM sent a message into the previously-quiet WhatsApp chat. It effectively said the same thing that we'd agreed on a few weeks back: dinner and drinks at a restaurant I'd suggested. I've said that I'm available but no-one else has said anything so far.

That makes a busy enough month: brunch with CC yesterday, I'm assuming drinks with G next weekend and dinner with AM (and others) the weekend after that. On top of that, there are two work-related things potentially happening before the wend of the month: dinner and drinks with some current and ex-colleagues plus our annual work summer party at the end of the month with Quiet Girl, Stalky Guy and others.

Lots of socialising this month. It must be my busiest month, socially, in ages.

Hands on.

I can only remember some vague details about last night's dream, but it involved work. I started a new team and most of the people were new to me, except for two people: a guy I used to work with about ten years ago and QC3. Why QC3 popped up when I've not thought about her in years is a mystery, but appear she did.

While the work was my current job, the place where we were was an amalgamation of various offices I've worked in over the years. 

I was sitting on a bench and she walked through the door. She immediately saw me and came over to sit beside me. her opening sentence was something about owing me money and that she had the money to replay me for video games and trips we'd taken. She was also getting very handsy, suggesting something physical, though the dream ended before anything like that happened.

It must be the warm weather because my dreams have been very random recently. 

Brunch to Lunch.

It was after Noon by the time I heard from CC, and it took me to message her first. She really is a night owl. though given that she's also a massive sun worshipper, I had naively thought that she'd get herself out of bed earlier because the weather is too good to waste, but no. So a request for breakfast/brunch turned into brunch/lunch.

Booty Time.

I'm pretty sure I've commented on this before, but back in the day, around the same time that I briefly hooked up with FBS, she would often wear a really nice pair of black OTK boots over her jeans.

They're also known as "fuck me boots" or, as FBS called them: "CFM boots" for "come, fuck me". I don't recall FBS wearing them in the three or so months we were doing our thing. She definitely never wore them any time we went back to her house for... fun. I definitely would have remembered that.

And while I do have fond memories of FBS wearing that combination of jeans and footwear, it wasn't a look I recall seeing other women wear... until I saw an Instagram post with this actress, Helen Flanagan. 

 

I didn't, but did.

I didn't contact CC about dinner. It's a bank holiday weekend over here, and the weather is gorgeous, so I assumed any where we'd likely go to would be rammed. I did get in touch about brunch tomorrow though. And she's agreed to it.

Redemption.

Ages ago, like years, like pre-Covid, I had a period where, for no reason, I got super-paranoid that KfW2 had found this blog. it was unfounded paranoia. I woke one morning with the idea planted in my head and couldn't shake it for a few weeks, then it disappeared. I can't remember if I blogged about it or chatted to USHW about it.

But, back to today and  the post I made on Wednesday where I complained about KfW2 pleading poverty and also her random text messaging because she wouldn't text yesterday.

Well, she did text yesterday and there was the seeds of an actual conversation. And she arrived today, fully apologetic because she had to literally drop off some stuff and leave. But even though she was only here for ten minutes, she still offered up about four hugs. I love hugs. I love hugs with boobs, too. They hit different.

And her final parting sentence:

"When we come back, do you want to go for dinner or do that thing we did a few years back?" 

No mention of poverty.

"Let's figure it out when you come back."

Though, dear Reader, I am already leaning towards dinner. 

But, yeah, anyone would think that she'd been  reading the blog. She does have a habit of redeeming herself like this, though.

And speaking of dinner, I'm tempted to contact CC and see if she wants to do something low-key this evening. I'll see how I feel in an hour. 

And we're off!

Not a bad start to my time off work. Well, that's not strictly true. I was at the dentist, first thing, for a filling. But that involved a pleasant walk of around 2 miles, listening to some music, and indulging in my... passion? for women in scrubs.

But I've also managed to do some gardening, paint the fence and message several people, including USHW. KfW2 hasn't been in touch, though that's sadly expected, especially after her message from a few days ago. I will be seeing her tomorrow, though, albeit briefly. CC hasn't been in touch either, surprisingly. I was half-expecting her to be in contact, suggesting we go out for dinner. 

There's plenty of time left in the day, though. 

And Jessica Alba didn't show up, USHW.
 

Sad Face

I was in the middle of making dinner last night when my phone pinged several times. It was KfW2. It was a pattern that long-term readers will find familiar coming from KfW2:

"I've missed you! We've not spoken in ages!"

"When we come back from holidays, you have to come and visit cos I won't be able to afford to go out!"

And then a gif and a voice note, all interspersed with a few "lol"s for good measure.

But this is a pattern. We don't see each other for ages, I suggest going out, KfW2 is unavailable then claims she can't afford to go out, and we end up having drinks at hers.

I'm partly to blame. I've not been in touch with her for months and the last time we spoke a few weeks back, she beat me to the call by about 10 mins: I was going to call her after seeing my Dad, but she called as I was leaving.

There are a number of reasons why I'm a little disappointed in the messages. I'm glad she was in touch. Having my friends get in contact proactively or even visit is hugely important to me. But if she'd done it tomorrow? That would have been so much better, for personal reasons (and she did cover that in her voice note). I'm also meant to be doing her a favour, and I was expecting to see her in person on Friday. But there's been no mention of that.

Here's looking at you.

I think my brother in law made a bit of a faux pas last night. I got a WhatsApp message from him, and I only saw it briefly. It mentioned my weight loss, fairly accurately too, so I think he used AI to determine how much weight I've lost because I've not told anyone exactly how much I've lost.

But the message was quickly deleted and he shared a photo from last Monday's family event: a picture of me, him and my nephew. And I have to say, it's a great picture of us.

But it's the first time I've seen "me" since I started the weight loss journey over 18 months ago. I mean, I've looked in the mirror but I've not seen a photo and it was difficult to recognise the person looking back at me. There's the weight loss, of course, but due to hair loss, I've also started keeping my hair really short.

So the face looking back at me from the photo was familiar,  but it wasn't me. In a good way, I think.

Bittersweet memories.

Facebook has shown me a picture of a pint of beer from three years ago today. I recall the day well: I met with FP and BR, we went to a restaurant, chatted then ended up in a pub that's close by.

It's memorable for all the wrong reasons. FP shared news about his illness with BR. BR shared news with FP about his addiction problems. And while the news sharing wasn't fun or great, it was great catching up with the guys, and the conversation quickly turned more positive and happy, even though strictly speaking, we shouldn't have been in the pub, but BR insisted it was OK and we did want to continue our conversation.

And a final, less positive note on this memory, it was the last day I saw FP in person. A very bittersweet memory. 

I'll have a beer later, I think. 

Looking good.

For the first time in a long time, V's posted on Facebook. A selfie of her and someone else going to a World Cup match. V has Italian and Argentinian heritage, and is very proud of both. And I have to say, she's looking very well in the selfie.

Sun's out!

I'm due to take some time off, ten days, in fact, and I'm looking forward to the break. I have some stuff to do about the house to prepare for the big work that's happening at the start of next month, and there's some stuff in the garden that I'd like to do. And that's handy because the weather for the next week is meant to be very good.

That means pleasant time in the garden, beers, books and music. And a very pleasant way to spend my time off instead of sat in front of a computer, like I normally do.

Hello?

I sent E a WhatsApp message a few days ago as it was her birthday. According to WhatsApp, she's not even read it, never mind acknowledged it. I hope things are OK. I don't think we've swapped messages since the start of the year.

Let's go!

G sent a text message to say that he'd be home in two weeks time. From the way he was talking, there could be a good chance we have a proper night out. I'd like that. I feel the need for spending some time with a close friend. Recent socialising with family and work colleagues has been fun, but it's not scratched that itch that a night out with friends would satisfy.

Starry eyed.

A bit of a weird dream last night: I was working in an old people's home that I think was owned and operated by my parents. For some inexplicable reason, several times a year, we needed to do some big work to a deadline - lots of admin and paperwork, some handiwork and decorating and things like that, but my Dad would always wait until the last minute and I'd get roped into helping him even though I disagreed with how he did things.

So far, not so weird and it did kind of mirror something that happened in real life. Where it gets weird is that the people who would drop in to help out would be A-list celebrities: Jennifer Lawrence, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake all featured. There were more, but I don't remember who else was there.

And it seemed that I was really friendly with both Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson, generally chatting about all sorts including our respective careers and private lives. 

And... well, that's about it. 

Urgh.

Despite my social life being very quiet these days, I've now been in the pub three times since Sunday: the gig with Quiet Girl, a family thing on Monday evening and a work thing last night.

I wasn't expecting a lot from last night, to be honest, but it was surprisingly good fun.

Feeling it a little today. not a hangover per se, but a lack of sleep. Roll on 5 PM. 

You know, who?

Morena Baccarin's Instagram posts from today are giving me off some serious KfW2 vibes. It's the glasses, I think.

Urgh.

I was invited to a family thing last evening, and I'd been looking forward to it for a while. But after the meal, we adjourned to a bar and I felt really off. Not ill or anything, but just something. I wasn't drunk - I only had like four drinks. But while I enjoyed myself, I was very antsy. I just don't know why.

I left, came home (quite early) and went straight to bed. I've been awake since just after 3 AM, and it's killing me. And I do feel a little off today, ina physical way. I don't know if there's something else going on or if it's the lack of sleep.

I also remember a very small portion of a dream where actress Kaley Cuoco was comforting me for some reason. She pulled me into her chest, then started kissing me. And that's all I can remember.

Let's dance!

I think yesterday's gig could be regarded as being A Great Success. For starters, Quiet Girl loved the band. She's not someone who's usually outwardly enthusiastic, but she was very positive about the band. On the other hand, I have mixed feelings about Mr Quiet Girl - he was very drunk. He didn't get very drunk but rather he seemed to be very drunk from his arrival, which wasn't a great look if you ask me. Additionally, he disappeared randomly and probably missed half the gig, though QG said he would likely do that.

Additionally, and as a complete surprise, AM and her family turned up.

Once I'd arrived and secured seats, I took a quick snapshot of the band finishing off their soundcheck. I posted it in the silent WhatsApp chat (remember that?) and captioned it with "I'm here, are you close?"

It was a sarcastic post as no-one had arranged anything except Mr AM posting about the gig.

Mr AM replied a few minutes later:

"We're on our way!"

I assumed the message was, like mine, sarcasm. So imagine my surprise when, 20 minutes later, AM and her family walked in through the door. I introduced AM to QG and we settled in for the gig.

We also put tentative plans in place for food and drinks towards the end of next month and bemoaned the fact that no-one else ever did any organising.

All-in-all, a great Sunday. 

Vibing.

So the long-term weather forecast has indicated there might be another spell of good weather in about a week's time. I don't have the skin type for these heat waves, but the dunny weather does great things for my mood and mental health. It'd be better if the good weather held off for two weeks, because I am taking some time off work that week, and a week sat in the back garden with cold drinks and books and music would be fantastic. Just pure vibes.

Let's dance!

Quiet Girl IMed me earlier to say they'd decided that they were going to go to the gig at CB Pub. I've offered her M's ticket, which she's accepted. She wants to give me money, but I've shot that down. It's not a huge amount of money, but she won't take 'no' for an answer. We've agreed that she'll buy me a drink and that'll be payment.

Hmmm.

In the space of a few hours, both M an Quiet Girl have suggested they might not go to the Sunday afternoon gig in CB Pub with my favourite local band. Well, to be perfectly accurate, M has directly said that he won't be going due to his MM double-booking him for a birthday BBQ.

Quiet Girl has suggested that, because it's a tickets (i.e. paid) event and because she has guests over, they might not make it either due to price and potentially the guests wanting to sightsee rather than go to a gig.

I said that I'd be there regardless and if she does decide to go, I have a spare ticket courtesy of M's unavailability. 

Weather or not.

Despite feeling overwhelmed with adulting stuff, I was returning from some family stuff earlier and part of that was getting the bus home. I have a choice on the bus journey, I can get off close to where I think Chloe lives (where she told me she lived) or I can get off the bus close to my office.

If I took the latter option, I'd be roughly just under 2 miles from my house and there's a bus that would drop me pretty much outside my front door. If I got off near Chloe, it's roughly two and a half miles home.

However, due to the weather, I decided on the former. I had my earphone with me, I put on a Spotify playlist and walked home. The bright sunshine and scorching temperatures, even with the exercise, really put me in a better mood.

We have one more day of really great weather left (according to the current weather forecast) before it turns cooler and less sunny. It would have been great had it lasted into the weekend. If I hadn't been on a training course this week, I'd have definitely taken a last-minute day off.

Ooof.

I've been feeling very overwhelmed today. There's a lot of stuff going on and I'm useless at adulting. I'm semi-regretting agreeing to do KfW2 a favour, though this is about me and other things I have going on, nothing to do with KfW2 herself.

The house stuff is already stressing me out and it's not due to happen until around the start of August. There are a few unknown factors in there, and that stresses me out. The family stuff has been ongoing for a couple of weeks and show no signs of ending in the near future. I've a phone call scheduled for Friday around the family stuff and it's stressing me out. I'm useless at phone calls. I prefer to do things over email or instant chat where I have a record of things or things written down.

But for some reason, it all hit me today and that resulted in me being overwhelmed.

Suits you, sir.

A post made on Reddit asked how old was the oldest piece of clothing that people own. My record is 31 years: a t-shirt that I bought at a gig back in, I think, 1995. It's on its last legs, but there's a bit of sentimental value to it. It was a gig I was at with D and FBS and had a great time (this was long after my dalliance with FBS).

But I also have another t-shirt that's over 18 years old. This one doesn't really have sentimental value - I don't recall where or when I bought it - but I do remember that I wore it on my "proper" date with Recruitment Bird. Does getting handsy and making out with RB mean that I can attach sentimental value to a t-shirt? Maybe it does.

We're a few weeks away from it being the 18th anniversary of the start of the RB thing, but I think it's time that the t-shirt gets retired*

*binned. 

Something to ponder.

I've been thinking about the Male Loneliness Epidemic recently. It's a big thing online. I don't know if it's as pervasive in real life, but I know that it's something I think about quite often. Regular readers will know that I've posted about loneliness before and my issues with my sister/brother-in-law and KfW2 always putting the responsibility for being in contact on me.

Often, from my perspective, the issue is not being alone but the quality of company when I do hunt it out. And "company" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. I don't think I'm explaining myself too well. It's not the company per se but really how the company comes about and what happens when in company.

Even a nonsense conversation has value if someone seeks me out and makes the effort to get in touch. I was stupidly pleased when KfW2 got in touch at the end of last week, even if it was only because she subsequently wanted a favour.

Having loved ones take some time out of their day to get in touch means an awful lot to me. I get zero from my sister. I can't remember if I've blogged about this before, but I've lived in this house for ten years and my sister has never popped in for an impromptu chat and coffee. She has been here, but there's always a specific reason for her to be here. But she's very much of the mindset that people go to her.

KfW2 has semi-pivoted to that. She used to pop in quite frequently, but since Covid, that's all but gone. She's mentioned more than once that I am always welcome down at hers when I need company, which is great, but sometimes I just wanna get her on her own, no hubby, no kids, and be open with her.

FP has been a big loss and probably a big factor to me feeling lonely more frequently these days as we'd chat a few times a month, in person, in the pub.

Conversations with G scratch that itch, but he's only ever home once every few months and we usually grab an hour or so to chat over coffee or a beer.

And to give an example where it doesn't have to be in-person and more about the kind/quality of communication, USHW and I used to have ongoing rambly email conversations that often got quite deep and often quite personal. And I held those in great regard. Even the quick WhatsApp chats we have these days can sort of get there, just not to the same detail that they would have years ago.

So, yeah, for anyone reading this, people don't necessarily have to be isolated or alone to feel lonely. It's always worth reaching out to your loved ones, and it's even better to make the effort and see them in person. 

Favourtown.

The cynical part of me had this niggling doubt about why KfW2 was so adamant that we met for lunch or something last week. It was too last minute, she seemed far too earnest for it to be nothing. And as I've already said, it really wasn't what I wanted, which was a good few hours in some decent surroundings, being friends. We've not done that since last year.

So I can't say that I was surprised when she sent a text message on Saturday asking for a favour. A pretty big favour. A repeat of the favour she asked of me in February.

I, of course, said "yes". I'm never going to leave a friend in need if I can, and the timing actually works out pretty well.

She's already been gushing with her thanks, and it means a lot to hear that - not everyone is as grateful as she is.

Gasp.

Remember in my last post, I said that the weather was great and that I am always more frisky in good weather?

Well, I should have added that I was out on a walk yesterday morning and as it was heading back home, I called into a local coffee place to treat myself to a latte.

As I collected my drink and turned to leave, I had to stop my jaw from literally dropping. Three women had joined the queue behind me, probably mid to late 20s. But they were, in my mind, dressed for clubbing and they were all stunning. 

But it was the style of clothing they were wearing.

 

This is Hollywood actress Jessica Henwick. I don't know what she's been in, but her dress is almost identical to what one of the women was wearing yesterday. I'm not complaining or being judgemental - she can wear what she wants - but I thought it was unusual to see this kind of glam in my home city, and at 11:30 AM on a Saturday morning in a coffee shop.

Bah!

I was going to make a post about the weather changing seeing as yesterday and today have been glorious, but despite England getting a heatwave, and the temperatures here getting into mid-20s C, we're not actually getting a spell of sunny weather. 

Tomorrow's meant to be rubbish, Tuesday looks OK and then that's it. Hot and wet after that. That's how I like my girlfriends, not the weather.

Maybe that's not a bad thing, though. I've posted before about how the hot weather affects me and I have been extremely frisky over the past 48 hours.