Cheers.

G's just texted to say that he'll be in town this weekend. or he hopes to be if EasyJet doesn't let him down. So, fingers crossed, there's a night in a pub with G, possibly FP and M too, though if I am being honest, their presence or lack thereof is not a huge factor for me.

Baby sister got back.

Following on from my previous post, about finding ES's Instagram account, it was interesting looking back through what she's been up to. I may have posted in the past that she can be quite like Sports Girl in that she flits from hobby to hobby.

However, as fun as it was looking through her photos, and even seeing pics of E, what prompted me to post was seeing ES's profile picture. A topless picture that was taken from behind. I don't know how recent it is. In it, she has short hair, and I don't think she wears it that way anymore, though it has been years since I last saw her.

But, I think I've posted before about my appreciation of backs and had conversations with A and USHW about it. And I think ES's profile picture is pretty sexy.

(Note: Since the purge, I can't find ES's profile picture any longer, so have a picture of Kiera Knightley instead seeing as there's a bit of a resemblance).

Being nosey.

Attractive Neighbour's Instagram account popped in a "people you might be interested in" list, so off I went for a nosey. AN has been busy! She's been involved in several projects that anyone based in the UK is more than likely aware of. And, of course, there are some celebrities pictured with AN, including blog favourites Lucrezia Millarini and Ellie Taylor.

And that took me off again to ES's Instagram account (she commented on some of AN's posts), but that's for another time.

It also answered the question of whether AN had bought a house per her admission to me a few years ago. It appears she has!

It's so funny...

I had another KfW2-related dream last night. Specifically, we were at a social thing. We managed to grab a 5 minute chat where KfW2 admitted that we'd probably not speak to each other for the next few months, despite the fact that we'd be in the same place. Obviously, when I woke up this morning, I felt really down as a result.

This is all tied into whatever it is I've been feeling over the past, say, month or so. I think I've blogged recently about being all over the place, emotionally. The whole semi-paranoia about my friendship with KfW2 is only one aspect, but probably the most consistent.

Just random stuff.

I was browsing Reddit this morning when I saw a screenshot of a local property website. The post itself was complaining about the number of long-term letting options versus short-term (i.e. Air BnB).

What stood out, though, was that Attractive Neighbour's place is up for grabs. Now, the last time I was communicating with AN was when I messaged her on Plenty of Fish all those years ago. She admitted, at that time, that she would be moving on soon. I've no idea if she did, or if this listing is her only now moving on.

Still a pleasing distraction seeing as I am still bothered by the KfW2 thing.

Knowing me, knowing you?

There were a few things that came out of Friday night's conversation. The first was that both KfW2 and CC expect my pay rise request to fail. I think I posted about it around the start of July? To be honest, it's been seven weeks and I've deliberately not chased anyone up on it, to see how good they are at communication. What frustrated me was that they both sat and gave me advice in June, and were very supportive and positive about it. This was all flipped on its head on Friday evening when they both admitted that it was a futile gesture. I mean, could they not have told me at the time? Seems weird that you'd not be upfront about that.

Secondly, they both said that I was argumentative. Was that the word they used? I think it was, but I was practically throwing the beers into me through anger and headaches, so things are a little fuzzy. I don't believe that I am argumentative. I really don't like the conflict. I will question almost everything though. Is that the process?  Why is the process like that? Can it be better/fairer/more transparent?  That kind of thing.

I can't say that I like their description of me. It's a lot more negative than I would like and certainly not my own perception of myself.

Runaround.

I told KfW2 during our phone call on Thursday that I would be in touch the next day to finalise our plans and see when she would be free. I already had a ballpark idea, but I needed to confirm and this phone call would cement everything.

In the interim, I'd already been in touch to explain two things: our preferred restaurant had zero availability, and other restaurants were running out of the time slot that would have suited us best. KfW2 was typically non-committal. She's not a decision maker when it comes to things like this. After browsing Google for an hour or so, I found a decent steak restaurant with availability at 8 PM, right at the end of our window, but doable.

As promised, I sent a message at lunchtime, asking for the final details. It was 3 PM by the time she replied. There was a change of plans. Previously she was having a drink or two, but keeping it civil. Now? Now she was driving. In itself, not a biggie, but seeing as our timetable had me factoring in an hour or so in a pub before eating, this was going to be more awkward if she was driving.

I explained this to her.

"8 PM? That's a bit late!"

I bit my tongue, but I was instantly angry at this point. This all stemmed from her inability to return a phone call, giving us limited options for dining.

"There was nothing else available at a better time. I can cancel if you want, but I've no idea where to go."

"We could drive to my local. Hubby can drive you back?"

"It's your birthday, it's entirely up to you."

"No, it's both." I assume she meant a joint birthday celebration seeing as we've not celebrated each other's birthday in two years. Did this mean that her long-promised plan to take me out for a fun event was no longer going to happen? And then the big bombshell.

"Did I tell you that CC wants to come?"

"No. You didn't." was my terse reply. And KfW2 went quiet. 

Was she trying to get through to her local restaurant? Or maybe they had no last-minute availability and she was afraid to call me and tell me we'd have to cancel? The CC thing was annoying. I've spoken with KfW2 before about CC inviting herself along to stuff. I was pissed with KfW2 for not saying "no" to CC.

CC phoned at 4:30 PM. 

"Yo, what's the score?"

"I don't know. I had something booked. KfW2's decided that it's too late, but I've no idea where to go. She's suggested her local and I think she's trying to book, but I've not heard from her since 3 PM"

CC launched into a list of places to go. My energy has been depleted. My anger was full-on.

"I'm really not in the mood to make any further decisions," I advised CC.

"I'm texting KfW2," said CC and then ended the call. Seconds later, KfW2 messaged.

"Local is booked. I'll pick you up."

No information. What time was the booking? What time was she picking me up? None of this was in the text message.

KfW2 eventually arrived at about 6:15. We made a little small talk, I showed her the progress I'd made in the back garden, and we hit the road. It's about half an hour to KfW2's house from mine.

We were only on the road a few minutes before KfW2 noticed.

"You're quiet," she observed.

"Yeah, I have a massive headache." This was true. It was probably a stress headache or something, but it had been brewing all afternoon since KfW2 threw a spanner in the works with her issues with times and CC.

"You didn't have to come out"

"When was the last time we had a night out, just the two of us?" I asked. The rest was left unsaid. Even with the changing plans and CC tagging along, I wasn't missing this.

"Yeah... I know."

I looked at her. I could see that she knew we'd not been out in a long time, but I don't think it's registered with her exactly how long it's been. Definitely four years, it's over five since the last time I can actually remember and longer than that if we're talking about a purely social night rather than doing something for our respective birthdays.

There was more hanging around at her house while she rushed in to drop off her work equipment. I chatted outside with her husband. It was after 7:15 when we arrived at the local restaurant. CC was already there, having been updated by KfW2. This was no surprise. KfW2 had admitted as such on the drive down.

And the rest of the night went as I expected. CC dominated the conversation. I was too tired to properly get involved, and anyway, they were talking about people I don't know. KfW2 would question me occasionally, knowing that there was a reason I was being quiet, even if she didn't know what that reason was. Being quiet is what I do when I'm not in my best mood, whatever mood that might be. CC was driving the one upside to her attendance was a lift home. It was just before 11 PM when we dropped KfW2 home. 

At this stage, I'm struggling to figure out why the original plans were changed. Had I met KfW2 coming out of her work, gone to a bar for a couple of hours, chatted, and then hit the restaurant at 8 PM, then she would have been home long before 11 PM. The only real grey area was the two hours between meeting KfW2 and the restaurant, as I mentioned above.

I had assumed that KfW2 might be in touch this morning, but there's been nothing so far.

I'm just mentally tired, emotionally I'm all over the place and I'm really unhappy. The unhappiness is not solely because of trying to deal with KfW2 this week, but it might be the straw that broke the camel's back. It's more general than that and there's probably work stuff going on in there, too. Plus, everything that went "wrong" was due to KfW2 taking her time replying - not getting our preferred restaurant, not getting any bookings in our time slot and CC inviting herself. None of this would have been an issue had KfW2 been more timely in her contact.

FFS

 Sometimes I don't know why I bother. I'll explain later.

Ring ring.

Last week, I told KfW2 that I'd call her at the weekend to make arrangements for this week. Tomorrow is our long-awaited night out. I didn't get the chance to call her, but I messaged her on Monday.

"Sorry I didn't call. When are you free? I'll call you."

"I finish work at 5. Call me then."

So I did. No answer. I called a few hours later. No answer. Her voicemail wasn't turned on.

On Tuesday, I called her again after 5 PM. No answer. I sent a text message.

"Going to have a shower. I'll call you after."

So I waited. No phone call.

On Wednesday... you guessed it. I called her. No answer, but this time her voicemail was turned on. I left a message. No reply.

I'm not going to lie. By this stage, I was starting to get angry and frustrated. I was also going back to feeling pessimistic about our friendship. That's been an issue recently. I don't know if it's a symptom of other mental health issues or if there are actual issues within our friendship. I was also starting to think that there was a specific reason she was avoiding contact - that she had double-booked and was afraid to say anything.

She eventually called this morning and we chatted for about 20 minutes. She was just out of her GP's office and on her way to somewhere else. We managed to pick a restaurant and arrange a rough time to meet and she was gone, having arrived wherever she was going (not into work).

This in itself was a little frustrating. I was called when it was convenient for her. Maybe convenient is not the right word, but four phone calls, a voicemail and a few text messages over three days to arrange the details for something we'd already arranged feels off to me. I kinda feel that getting a reply from her was a little more urgent than a snatched conversation when she was driving between appointments, four days later.

Of course, you can guess what's next, can't you? I can't get a fucking reservation at any of the restaurants I want for the times that I want...  because KfW2 can't return a fucking phone call within a decent amount of time.

"Oh, I'm busy with work" was her excuse this morning. "I haven't finished work until 7 PM each night this week."

This is the girl who got a new job for better work/life balance and only three weeks into her new job is working 10+ hour days.

Sigh.

This just feels like a lot more work than it should.

Sleeping around.

It's not often that I remember sex in my dreams. A lot of the times it's implied or I kinda remember that the dream involved sex even if I don't specifically remember it.

That wasn't the case last night, but it's pretty much the only element of the dream that I can recall. Well, that and it was with a petite brunette woman who's unknown to me.

Weird. Oh, and despite sleeping very well last night, I feel awfully tired today.

Small World (Part whatever)

When MM had a "big" birthday maybe about seven years ago now, I seem to recall that I spent a semi-drunken night chatting to an attractive, interesting blonde woman. It eventually transpired that she was married, so I never made a move, but she's always come over for a chat when we've bumped into each other, socially.

It may come as no surprise when I say that she popped up in someone else's Facebook photos today. Neither woman has a blog name, but they are real-life friends with MM and KfW2 respectively.

No other reason for the post other than to call out how often this kind of coincidence happens to me.

Dance the night away.

My sister has always been a huge fan of Strictly Come Dancing (Dancing with the Stars, for you non-UK readers). It's not something I particularly enjoy, but when I was briefly living with my sister, just before I moved into my current house, I did end up watching. Of course, it helped that there were celebrities like Kirsty Gallacher, Anita Rani and Katie Derham who are all right up Ruuude's street, from an eye candy perspective.

And the addition of Georgia May Foote and Helen George maintained my interest.

Since moving into my new place, I've not really bothered with it. Though now that Ellie Taylor and Helen Skelton have been announced for 2022, both mentioned on this blog before, I might tune in again this year.

Come on, feel the noise.

It's been a great few days, weather-wise and I'm hoping that it'll continue into the weekend. But I'm currently working in my office and I can't even open a window because my (very nice) neighbours are having some serious building work done and there's a digger, a jackhammer and something else all going off at once outside.

Luckily, I have no meetings today, otherwise, I'd be able to hear nothing.

Roll on 5 PM and a cold beer in the garden.

Reflection

I woke this morning off the back of a barely remembered dream. KfW2 was in it, as was Morena Baccarin. Most of the details are hazy, but involved KfW2 getting married to someone (and KfW2 and Morena Baccarin morphed into each other through the dream), which meant that my close friendship with the KfW2/Morena person got side-lined and my attempts to reconcile or find out if we were having issues were frustrating. 

And then towards the end, the KfW2/Morena person was leaving on honeymoon, though not a traditional honeymoon with bride and groom, but actually a big party with close friends and family, like an extended wedding reception. But not me. Right at the end, just before I woke up, KfW2 came to me, gave me a massive hug and whispered something (that I don't recall now I've woken up) that somehow made everything right again.

It wasn't a great start to the day. I immediately felt lonely and sad from the moment I opened my eyes.

The appearance of Morena Baccarin is a little surprising, but maybe understandable when I share with you that I listened to a podcast last night, on which she was a guest.

But I'll post a picture of Morena Baccarin to brighten my day, and hopefully yours too.

Surprise.

It was a weird day yesterday. Midway through the afternoon, I suddenly felt queasy and very light-headed. It lasted for a few hours. I was due to go and get my eyes tested and I seriously contemplated rescheduling up until it was time to leave the house whereupon I grabbed my keys and left.

After spending a LOT of money on a couple of new sets of glasses, I got a phone call from my brother-in-law. Did I want dinner? I did actually. Could I bring beers? I could. I definitely needed a drink after seeing the bill for the glasses.

Long story short, it was after midnight when I left my sister's house. We drank all the beers, enjoying the weather in the garden and a bottle of rum between us. Today was not a good day.

Hot topic.

I suggested to FP and my sis that I'd host something this weekend, but my sister had other plans and FP was going to the coast. So it was a night on my own.

Then FP messaged. He was free after all.

I was in two minds. I'd kinda gotten myself into the mindset of watching a film or doing some gaming, but I am also conscious that I should be doing more socialising and I've noticed that I'm a little more reluctant to go out these days.

However, I eventually decided to have FP over, and we spent a good few hours around the firepit, having a few beers, listening to some music and just talking. It was 4 AM when I got to bed. I was drunker than I realised, which was backed up by the extensive collection of cans on the garden table this morning.

I had some plans for today in terms of some gardening and a few other household chores, but the lack of sleep has absolutely killed any motivation.

It was good to see FP and socialise.

At long last!

You can't script this stuff, can you? Sat in front of the telly this morning and the phone goes. It's KfW2's ringtone. I've barely answered the phone before she launches into a fake rant. Why did I ignore her? Why didn't I answer her phone call a few days ago? Why didn't I return her voicemail?

I didn't get any notification that anyone had called or left a voicemail. I checked my logs. Sure enough, there's a missed call and a voicemail from KfW2, but I definitely never got any kind of notification. Weird.

We've semi-arranged the 19th of August as a night out and it looks like, barring any kind of emergency, this will definitely go ahead.

I'm delighted, of course. I was feeling really pessimistic and down about my friendship with KfW2 yesterday, and I'm still slightly irked because she admitted to being out last night with CC where it's taken me years to get KfW2 out.

But, it's time to be positive, and I'm looking forward already to the night out in two weeks.

Eye-opener?

I don't know what the kicker is, but I've been feeling really down today. I don't know if that kicked off the KfW2 funk or the other way around. I've also been feeling really off about work, too. An apathy and general unhappiness all rolled into one. 

I think part of that is I'm feeling quite pessimistic about a requested pay rise that I asked for about a month ago. My boss is meant to be having a meeting with me, but the last update I had was Tuesday. You'd assume that any good news would be communicated quickly, wouldn't you?

So even though I just started a new job at the start of the year, being refused the pay rise (despite offering a load of objective evidence why I should get one) isn't going to help my current ambiguity about whether this is what I want to be doing.

There were anxiety issues that were a problem at the tail end of 2021 that I still haven't addressed. You may remember that the attractive HR girl had given me some stuff to follow up on, so I definitely need to do that. Again, this isn't procrastination but rather a memory issue. I remember now that I want to look into this. Come Monday morning, when I settle into work, will I remember to get the details and follow up on them? That's been the issue with a lot of things, including house renovation and other to-do tasks over the past year or so.

I think I need to sit down, give myself a really hard kick in the fucking arse and start making more of an effort on several fronts.

Distance.

Over the years, since 2018, I've made several posts regarding my relationship with KfW2 and how our personal relationship seems to suffer (grow more distant) with each professional move that she takes.

I've posted that her career took another step forward/upwards at the start of July, but I can't help but feel that our relationship has suffered again. There were things that might/should have happened in early July that didn't. Some communication that should have happened, but didn't.

Over the past week or so, there are several direct questions to KfW2 via WhatsApp, unanswered. She blames this lack of communication on the diagnosis after her mental break at Christmas. I don't know if I necessarily agree/believe that (this inability to maintain a conversation is a recent thing). But the lack of response is getting me down.

I also think that this current funk might be overblown due to the half hour that we spent on our own, after her leaving party at the end of June, and how it reminded me of our adult nights out that we've not had in years. And how that snatched moment meant so much to me, just KfW2 and me, talking (albeit drunkenly) with no kids and no one else.

I'm reluctant to call her on it or try to address it. Memories of how things with CH fell apart are still fresh in my memory, even though it's years later. Plus, as I said, there are three unanswered questions out there. I'm not going to continue to message her if she's not replying.