Eh?

In talking to RA earlier, I found myself browsing websites about foreign employment. Why? I'm only now settling back into my life again and am in no state financially or mentally to even consider heading off again. I know that the process for getting jobs and visas etc. is protracted, but I really shouldn't even be thinking about this until way later in the year, if not next year.

And that's only if things aren't going well here and there's no reason to think that it would. After all, things haven't been bad for me over the past couple of years, ignoring the housing issue which is out of my control and the odd moments where I'm unhappy being single or at least having a fuck buddy and/or better social life.

So, I'll have to put that behind me for now. I might look into this further at the end of the summer, if only to have a better idea of what's involved (paperwork, costs, timeframes etc.) so that any decision I make later in the year is done so with me being fully informed.

Good mood?

I am in a ridiculously good mood, though I've no idea why. Certain things have frustrated/disappointed me this week - work, E's contact, lack of proper feedback from my recent presentation (from all sorts of people, not just V as previously posted), no word from QC2 about going out for a drink and there's been very little "positive" stuff that's resulted in my current mood. I'm not saying that I'm angry with V or QC2, just disappointed. There was no reason to believe V would get in contact, but I'd hoped that sending her the presentation outside of Facebook would have prompted her to at least reply, rather than the usual Facebook thing of 'poking' or 'biting chumps' with that annoying Vampires application. I know QC2's busy with her college course and will get in contact when it's done, but she hasn't let me know when that's likely to be, so I'm left twiddling my thumbs until she's finished.

Ah well, I have a few things that I can plan now (stuff that needs done, not just stuff that will help me get into a better mood):

• Credit Card (ongoing - have to make queries with the bank about credit limits)
• Visiting mates (haven't seen an old school mate recently, can visit him and get some beers sorted)
• Fix an old phone that broke last year (shouldn't be any more than about £30 that I can sell for a vast profit on eBay or give it to someone that needs it)
• Get some proper prints of my holiday photos
• Sort out some new sports wear for the increased footy I'm playing (and potential gym visits too)
  

*smug look*

So, yeah. E finally called me just over an hour after my last post. We chatted for a while... probably about 90 minutes, which was great and, as predicted, before I got my call, she had been chatting to her family after she'd finished calling her sister. That's annoying, but something I'll have to live with given what I've explained below. If this continues, I'll have to arrange some other times to chat to E because I won't always be online after midnight on a Saturday night. In fact, I was only online that late earlier because I was chatting to RA on MSN (and now insomnia beckons!)

Eh?

As part of the OMG scenario from ages back, one thing that raised its head was that E has this very love/hate thing going on with her family. It's complicated, I know that and it seems that, at the very least, E has identified this. She admits, for example, that one of the reasons she has lived away from home for over half of her life is to get away from her family. I know the reasons behind that point of view and I completely understand that. However, E is in contact with her family (at least her mum, dad and younger sister, if not her other siblings - all separately) at least once a week. It's almost religious. That's the bit I don't understand. Distance doesn't matter if you're going to phone home for the best part of three or four hours per week and share your life. It doesn't matter if you're 12 or 1200 miles away, the end result is still the same.

I'm voicing this now because I'm confused. I would have thought E would be in a position to say "well, fuck you. this is how I live my life and I will be in contact when it suits me, not weekly when you think I should get in contact". Well, there's that and the fact I sent a message about an hour and a half ago when she appeared online, only to be told she was talking to her sister. Knowing E, who likes to talk, she'll then call her parents before getting around to me. Personally, I don't understand that. If my contact time is limited (as I know E's is due to geographical location, time zones etc.), then it's surely a first-come-first-served basis? If I don't chat to someone one weekend, I can do it the next. Or there's email, which is picked up every day or... or... well, you can see my confusion, right?

I know that this is all about 90% fact. I'm not making too many assumptions with this. The only thing I don't know for sure is if it's actually E making these decisions or if it's her family calling the shots. From what I know (from conversations when I was visiting E), it seems that her family is calling the shots and E is capitulating and making contact. It's a shame is that's the case because that's not helping anyone in the family and doubly so because E know this.

Mischief

Just to, I dunno, annoy or frustrate or tease USHW (as she's the only one that seems to read this blog these days), I should point out that I am not just squiffy, lying here in bed, but naked too.

*sniggers*

Meh

Well, I did end up calling in sick yesterday and today. I might tomorrow, but I've yet to decide. to be honest, calling in sick had nothing to do with being ill, but rather recovery and laziness. As I had gone to bed on Sunday night feeling less than 100%, I had pretty much made the decision to call in, so I did and it's been a nice relaxing couple of days.

Despite feeling bit poorly on Sunday, I still went out for a few pints with G and FP. Typically, FP gets all organised and a venue and time are sorted all within quick order, completely unlike any time I try and get a night in the pub sorted.

I also heard back from USHW who's OK and just has been too busy to be online, which is good because there wasn't any hugely important (i.e. negative) reason why she was offline. (Though I suppose the converse is true here, too).

Anyway, I'm lying here in bed, quite squiffy, trying to decide if I'm going to go into work tomorrow. At the moment, the answer's no, even though I know I should.

Me being poorly... an update.

Well, the acid reflux is gone, thank Christ. It finally went just after 6 AM this morning though who knows what kind of damage I did to my stomach in trying to get rid of it... Zantac, Fruit Rennies and Gaviscon tablets were all taken between midnight and 5 AM when I made the last post. I got about 4 hours sleep and the temperature has pretty much gone. I do still have this muscular pain though and will spend the afternoon lying in bed watching movies

I'm in half a mind to call in sick tomorrow, even if I'm feeling better, just to give myself a few days rest and clear my system of whatever I'm carrying. I guess that's a decision best left to tomorrow morning though where we'll see how I'm feeling and how well I sleep tonight.

Stupid o'clock

Well, it is! I'm feeling ill... muscular aches, a high temperature and I've had really bad acid reflux all night and have been eating various antacids like sweets with no success whatsoever. As such, there's been no sleep and there's not likely to be any either. The pain killers taken for the muscular stuff haven't worked so I'm in all kinds of discomfort right now.

I got a few more responses to my presentation, but am still kinda disappointed in the (not unexpected) lack of contact from V, amongst others. My confusion regarding V continues as she seems to be including me in stuff on Facebook even though I don't have those applications installed. I thought by by-passing Facebook altogether, I might be more likely to get a reply. Still, she hasn't been on Facebook in a few weeks, so it's possible she's not been online. Unlike me, I guess V is one of those people that doesn't sit in front of their PC for hours at a time. I guess she has a social life!

USHW's been quiet too over the past week and doesn't seem to have been online at all from what I can see. I hope things are fine with her.

Yay!

Tomorrow should be a good day. I've got the day off for starters, then I'm playing footy at lunchtime followed by meeting up with some old friends in the early evening for what should be a rollicking night in the pub.

D will be there with a few other blokes, FBS might show up and while QC3 was part of our social circle, her somewhat acrimonious split with another friend of mine (and the fact she's now settled with kids) means that I've not seen her in years sadly. Either way, we'll have a good night and if FBS turns up, I'll have a good perv at her tits. Weirdly, I'd always remembered FBS to be quite pretty, but the last time she came to the pub with us I just didn't understand what I'd seen in her previously. OK, she has a fantastic body and is decent in bed (and definitely not as good as she claims), but I always remembered her being better looking. Ah well... no point in analysing it... I'm just thinking of the breasts and alcohol!

Use of the word "fuck".

Someone said something to me today in work, SSCW I think, but I can't remember exactly what was said. It did prompt me to remember a conversation that I had with E during my travels. We were talking about a couple we were watching at the bar. One was a cute waitress who had been working that evening but was now off duty and the other was this bloke who was quite obviously chatting her up, with some considerable success.

The 'courting' went on for some time. Hours, in fact, and still the two of them got no closer to each other than brief hugs. E had been dispatched to the bar and had gotten an ear full of "Ooooh, do you think he really likes me?" while the bloke was off chatting to his mates or at the toilet. Well, duh. OK, so I say "duh", but it reminded me of the circling around each other that QC3 and I did (which was possibly more embarrassing than this as I knew for definite she was interested through a third party but tried to elicit a direct response and failed badly. That's possibly another story for another time though.). That said, they were definitely keen on each other.

E came back with drinks and we spoke about the two potential lovers. While I expressed my appreciation of the waitress (think Hannah Spearitt's hair in Primeval, a face that reminded me a little of Pink on a good day and a body that reminded me of my beloved Jessica Alba), E passed comment on the bloke (no details, but somewhat positive, I think), we were both amused at the fact they clearly were into each other but they couldn't see it. Well, it was either that they were both clueless or they were both playing games because there seemed to be decent evidence that they were fucking each other about. Either way, they didn't deserve to get laid that night in my opinion.

"Why don't they just go back to hers and fuck?" exclaimed E in a manner that suggested confusion about the entire scenario but also might have sounded a little frustrated.

Well, the conversation went on, as did our people-watching and drinking. The point of the above tale is to highlight E's use of the word 'fuck' in relation to sex. For some reason, I like women to use the word that way. I don't know exactly why, but I have a theory.

FA2 was decent enough in the sack. It was rarely boring, it was rarely the same twice in a row and while I'd hardly describe her as adventurous, I did enjoy the sex, even if it was all rather vanilla. But with FA2, it was always "making love" and that was it. Outside of our 'normal' sex situations (i.e. the normal last thing at night, first thing in the morning scenarios), she would always address the subject by asking me to make love to her. Personally, I got around the terminology simply by targeting her erogenous zones without even mentioning sex (and light kisses to the back of the neck were always an easy way to get her naked and willing in no time) and let her drag me to the sofa, upstairs to bed, into the garage, shower etc. Not that her terminology put me off, mind you and nor do I have anything against women using that phrase but sometimes sex is just a fuck.

However, the use of the word "fuck" for sex is something guaranteed to raise my eyebrows and, to a certain extent, my horniness levels. USHW often uses 'fuck' concerning sex (and while it doesn't have the same effect in type, it still has an effect), FBS actually said outright one night that she wanted to fuck me (which then turned into the first night she did fuck me, handily enough, but that's perhaps another story if USHW starts asking questions) and even that incident in the bar with E caused hormone levels to fluctuate (and despite my continued vague feelings towards E, I don't normally think of her in a sexual way). Is it weird to get turned on by girls who simply use that phrase? Or turned on by girls using the phrase? Is there a difference?

Going back to my theory, is it because girls who use 'fuck' have a different attitude to sex (sex for sex sake, more adventurous, more willing to look for sex) than those that veer away from it (unadventurous, prudish behaviour)? FA2 used 'fuck' all the time as a swear word, but she'd never, ever use it to describe sex. Based on my limited experience, I'd have to say that this was indeed the case as I would definitely describe USHW, FBS and E all as having a more proactive and relaxed attitude towards sex... almost a male attitude, perhaps? An attitude where, unlike say K or FA2, sex does not necessarily equate to romance or relationships. However, a pool of five women is hardly conclusive.

Meh

Late last week I sent out my presentation. It sounds quite formal, but it wasn't. It was just a collection of photos from my travels with a couple of extra bits and pieces to give it a bit of personality and to stop it from being too dry, as seeing someone else's holiday snaps tends to be. The initial email list was quite extensive and, thankfully, I didn't leave too many people off of it and I resolved my dilemma by sending it to V and one or two other people that are on the periphery of my social circle.

I'm kind of a bit lost now. I'm awaiting feedback from these people, definitely some comments and I'd imagine (from my female friends) a lot of questions. USHW got a sneak preview and was complimentary and I'd imagine she might have something to say when she gets a chance to sit down and have a proper look. The only people I know for certain that have looked at it otherwise are BW, FP and R. FP knows all the news there is to tell from my time away, but his comments (sarcastic comments) were appreciated nonetheless. BW is clueless as usual and R was appreciative without being too verbose, but that's R for you. At least she had the decency to reply with comments!

Maybe I'm being too impatient. There are hundreds of photos to get through, with associated comments and other stuff, which is time consuming. Yes, I think I'm being too impatient...

A minor quandry.

In a few days, the presentation I've been putting together regarding my recent travels will be complete and I'm hoping to publish it online. When I do so, I'm going to send out email links to a wide variety of people in the hope they'll be interested enough in me and my trip to want to look at what I've done and leave me messages, comments and questions.

I'm planning on extending the invites beyond my usual two circles of friends. So, on one hand, people like QC2 will get it as my more immediate circle of friends. Obviously, people like USHW will get one too, as my regular contacts, if not geographically immediate and I'm carefully considering a third group... those that I would like to be in contact more, but aren't. People like V are prime examples of people on this list. I'll make my decision soon.

Frequencies

While the slow, but steady email conversation with USHW is ongoing, in an attempt to see if we can't figure a few things out regarding my feelings towards E and E's feelings towards me, I've tried not to swamp E with too many emails since I've come back from holiday.

It's not that I've had anything really important to say to her (though USHW might disagree), but away from both personal contact and Skype, I've suddenly remembered little things that could/should have been mentioned in various conversations we've had recently. Still, in order to remedy any future frustrations, I've asked outright when she checks her personal mail. I remember being concerned back in the planning/booking stages of my holiday when I had asked for confirmation on various things and was waiting a few weeks for a reply.

I know she has the internet when she wants it and her own PC (so she's never reliant on anyone else to get online). It's just a matter of when she gets the time to sit down and check her mail for half an hour or so. But I wonder if she makes a point in trying to do so regularly, or only does it when she has time AND she remembers to do so. Not everyone's like me and spend hours per day in front of their PC (and that's a story unto itself).

Reasons to be cheerful? Part 2

QC2 hasn't yet replied to my last email, which is kinda disappointing, though I know she's busy. I thought I'd done enough to whet her appetite about my trip away and get her to ask a few questions in between our first contact and getting out for a drink. Ah well...

I also had a huge list of stuff I wanted to get done over the coming weeks and I've been taking some satisfaction in striking a task or two off my list each day, while I've been adding one or two per week.

Ideally, I'll be able to organise a trip to the pub this weekend. With whom, I don't yet know, but it would be nice to get out.

Dreams out of the blue.

I've made a few posts regarding my attitude towards FA2. At times, they've been fairly angry or frustrated, but at the end of the day I reckon I'm pretty ambivalent about her. Should she choose to try and build a friendship again, I'd probably be open to that, with some reservations. Should she never speak to me again, then I'm equally happy with that.

Last night, more than once, I found myself having quite erotic dreams about FA2 (I woke up a few times and went back to sleep and had further dreams about FA2). That came completely out of the blue because I haven't thought about FA2 in a sexual way for years. That's not to say it wasn't enjoyable, because it was, but there was a certain amount of frustration this morning.

It certainly prompted a little reminiscing about FA2 in a pair of silk pyjamas she used to own that made her very sexy indeed (and I enjoyed the feel of the silk, too).

Aaaaargh!

I am fucking fed up of downloading supposedly free software to help me put together a presentation, only to find out it's not free but rather a trial/demo version of a product that won't let me do what I want it to do BECAUSE IT'S ONLY A DEMO VERSION!

???

I was out with a female cousin of mine last night and we were talking about relationships and stuff (because part of my reason for being out was to help with her own relationship problems) and I mentioned the E thing because my cousin's problem (or part of it) relates to a guy she dated, still has feelings for but is kind of locked into a platonic relationship. It's not really platonic, of course. The guy still wants a shag and seems to be looking at my cousin as a fuck buddy, which she's having none of. The guy still seems to have feelings for my cousin and it could develop into a "proper" relationship, but only after he makes his mind up and/or faces whatever demons are holding him back from committing to a relationship.

However, I was trying to explain to my cousin exactly what my relationship was with E, but I don't have the words. USHW knows, but mainly because there have been blog posts and PMs/emails about it and she's watched it unfold. Trying to just explain it from scratch to someone is extremely difficult!

Reasons to be cheerful?

As part of my attempts to get rid of this foul mood, I contacted QC2 with a view to getting her out for a drink. She's busy at the moment, but we'll get out in a week or so. It's kinda disappointing because I could have done with seeing her this week (conversation plus secret perving of a gorgeous woman is a good tonic for my bad mood IMO), but next week or the week after will be good enough. She'll have lots of questions about my trip away and I might even get on to the E situation and be able to talk it through with her (on top of the excellent feedback I'm getting from USHW). I'll definitely get questioned on my dalliances (she doesn't know about them yet, but will ask if there were any) and that might be a good time to being E into the conversation (as well as admit to the cute Kiwi Girl from a few months ago).

I've also got tentative arrangements to meet with D and a few other guys for a night on the town in about two weeks, so socially, things aren't looking too shabby right now, with a trip out to the pub this weekend with a cousin to sort out her love life.

Meh

It's a chicken and egg scenario, I realised earlier when I was talking to SSCW. She was quizzing me on my decision to return home rather than stay on foreign soil and just enjoy life. SSCW doesn't know about my current confusion regarding E, only that I was on holiday and part of that was visiting some friends, E included. SSCW did query any romantic involvement with E, but I was able to answer quite truthfully that nothing like that had happened.

During the questioning, I did say something along the lines of "Well, you can't beat returning home after an extended time away in a foreign country with friends to focus the mind on your life" and I guess that's kinda true as I'm not in the best place right now.

Is it because I was unhappy before I went away and subsequently realised this on my return or am I currently unhappy because of the possibilities that have arisen because of my trip? I personally think it's the latter. My romantic status has been playing on my mind since I returned, partly because of my recent run of form (which went beyond the two girls I slept with) and partly because of the E situation. Professionally, I like my job. I still like my job, but being able to see the possibilities of a different (and, importantly, better) lifestyle has made me very disillusioned about life at home. But, as I've touched on in another post, I think, to do anything right now is a knee-jerk reaction. I have to be patient and give myself a few weeks to re-adjust to "normal" life. If this is all still bothering me in a few weeks or months, then it'll be time to start make choices.

It becomes clear

I've often wondered why people are so desperate to leave my home town. I know loads of people who have done it, some for purely professional reasons, but some people have this dislike of this place. E is one of them and until recently, I never really understood that. Part of it is the OMG stuff. Her family are tied into the OMG stuff and E has been very driven at getting herself into situations where she can leave and put distance between her and her family. Weirdly though, she's almost always in contact with them and is religiously in contact with one or both of her parents (they're divorced) each weekend by phone. Personally, I think some time "apart" might do them both good. I'm digressing though. This weekend, after returning from my trip, I think I finally understood why some of my friends wanted to leave (or are reluctant to return).

Had I the means to go travelling again right away and no commitments and most of my debts cleared, I'd already be gone. That, of course, is an emotional reaction, but there's been stuff happening around here, in the local news that just depresses me (and I'm bad enough as it is without other stuff piling up).

More about E

USHW has been feeding me her thoughts and some advice on the E situation. Has it been helpful? Partly, I think. And I should add the caveat of "so far" and that, by the time we're finished, it will help a great deal. The simple act of talking or sharing in this case, is helping my own thought processes. USHW's feedback is good from a female third party perspective though the advice is fairly obvious and she's fully aware of the circumstances under which I'll actually act on it. But a female point of view is always a good thing when talking about other females, a piece of advice I repeatedly give RA during his own female-related woes (of which there are many).

This will be a fairly long process. USHW's first email was quite long and I've since added my own thoughts and further information to it and sent it back for her perusal and USHW has already said she has much more to say on the matter. I anticipate this will probably be ongoing until the end of the week at the very least, but that's not a big issue. I'm in no hurry and there's no urgency and ultimately, it will help sort out my own mind, if not help figuring out E. Hopefully, I will be in contact with E fairly regularly (I've already sent her a few emails) and I won't be seeing her in person until the start of the summer when she's home for a week or so, so there is time.

A few months ago, I got this Facebook invite from someone whose name I didn't recognise, so it got binned. However, during my recent trip, I realised that it was actually from a friend of E's who I was introduced to about two years ago. I've subsequently requested friendship, but it's yet to be accepted (though I'm under no doubts that it will eventually). I've no idea if this will prove to be useful in terms of figuring out E's mindset, but you never know.