Oh dear.

While I've not done anything that's terribly productive with my week off, I have not been in the office, which is a good thing. Recent "political" movements in work have re-enforced a belief I have about the management playing favourites and Stalky Guy being the constant recipient. He's good at his job, but no more than anyone else in the team. So it's confusing and unlikely that, in a team that's so closely matches, skill-wise, that one person reaps the rewards.

Over the past few years, I've tried my best to narrow the gap in grade and salary between me and Stalky Guy (he earns roughly a third more than me), partly for some professional pride and partly because wage parity would be HUGELY beneficial to me.

It's tremendously frustrating to see long hours and hard work count for nothing at the end of the year. It's partly why KfW2 moved to another team. She was in the same position with getting little recognition although her gap with Stalky Guy is much less than mine.

And, if I am being honest, I'm a little obsessed with this. Getting a good score means a good pay rise, but despite the company policy, this is not in my control. The obsession leads to frustration which leads to stress.

I also think that the frustration comes from me being further into the autism spectrum than most* A supposedly objective system is anything but that, and I find it difficult to get my head round this. Maybe it's because I know that a fully objective system would see me score as well as Stalky Guy as I am doing all the right things.

Anyhoo... a conversation with KfW2 yesterday, as well as a WhatsApp message from another colleague (ex-teammate) has brought all this back to the fore again, which has annoyed me after a stress-free week off.

When I go back to work next week, I need to speak to my GP, talk to my optician and start looking for jobs, at least internally.

*Again, as I've posted previously, I'm not claiming to be to be classified as fully autistic, but I do exhibit quite a few traits that I see in my diagnosed nephew. The "hypocrisy" of my company declaring an objective system that is subjective actually hurts my head. It genuinely feels like pressure building up because I can't figure a way around it.

Phew!

My condoms have arrived, just in time. I'm pretty sure there's a plethora of attractive, single women out there desperate to sleep with yours truly and who are on their way to my house right now. *wink*

Done!

The whole "Ruuude is not spontaneous" thing is not simply focused around my social and personal life. Even in other matters, I tend to take a step backwards and think things through before committing to a course of action. It doesn't always work out for me, though I'm more "successful" than not.

However, there was a knock on the door today. It was a landscape gardener. He was offering to do all sorts of work for me, work that I had planned to do, but had never gotten around to. I talked him down from that, but did suggest one particular task that I wanted done but didn't have the equipment to do by myself.

He suggested a price, it was reasonable, we shook and he disappeared off to get his truck.

He should be back any minute and hopefully within an hour or so, at least one of the bigger outside jobs I wanted done will be complete.

EDIT: It took him roughly three hours to do the job and while he left a little more mess than I would have liked, I'm generally satisfied with the result.

Reminiscing

Today marks the fourth anniversary of possibly the last time CH and I had any kind of meaningful contact - a work night out that coincided with her birthday that had all the usual CH elements - suspicious kisses, touching, ass grabbing etc. as well as a strange text conversation that was oddly emotive for CH.

Still, beyond the vague will-they-won't-they chemistry that I had with her, I don't miss her that much beyond a vague tinge of disappointment at how it turned out.

Hello again!

In a fit of boredom earlier, I went through my Facebook friend requests - some are years old from people I had no interest in communicating with. I was about to say "imagine my surprise..." but that's not the case. In my list of "people you may know..." was a girl that I had a brief conversation with on Plenty of Fish a while back. At least a couple of years, if my memory serves. We have a mutual friend in common - QC1.

I'm no longer surprised by these coincidences. They happen far too often to get any kind of reaction.

Bills.

It's been an expensive month - some new furniture, a new hard-drive for my PC and potentially an outgoing to fix a heating issue. All required - my office chair has been on its last legs for a year. My hard drive is full and I've been juggling my installed programs for the past month and it's annoying me and the heating isn't giving me any hot water, but I've yet to find someone to come out and investigate.

Oh, and the Amazon delivery that's bringing the hard drive is also replacing my out-of-date condoms. Will these new ones bring me better "luck"?

Hello again

Looks like I'm getting new neighbours. Well, not new per se, but my old neighbours are returning from a posting abroad. I didn't really get to know them in the short time between them buying the house next door and being assigned to an office in Europe.

I should make more of an effort this time around. The current neighbours are decent enough, except they have about four cars and parking space for two, so you figure out what happens.

Memories

For years, I was a little uncomfortable around FBS. It was to do with my secrecy around sleeping with her and not admitting it to even our closest friends. I wasn't embarrassed or anything, as far as I was concerned, it just wasn't anyone else's business. Little did I know that FBS had told a few friends, including some of our mutual friends. In fact, FBS and another mutual friends of ours had a bet about whether we'd sleep together. Apparently a bet that had been paid out - a bottle of whiskey shared one night.

Despite this discomfort, I'm not entirely sure that FBS felt the same, even though she had ever right to think I was a Grade A dick. To be fair, I was. But... over the years, any time she arranged something, I was always invited, which surprised me.

And so, when it came to her 40th birthday, I had an invite. This wasn't terribly out of the ordinary. By this stage, our relationship had gotten better as I saw it, and I had been invited to her wedding party (she got married abroad). Friction Guy and Opinionated Guy couldn't go... it was just D and myself. So we did what we do best - sat at the side, people-watched and drank.

A few hours into the party, D confided in me that he thought that FBS's best friend was coming on to him. D's married. As is FBS's best friend, a pretty blonde girl. So I watched, and you know what? He might have been right. She did appear to come over to talk to us quite a lot and did get quite tactile with D.

At the end of the night, most people went back to FBS's for further partying, including D. I didn't because I was already too drunk and, at the time, only lived 5 minutes walk away from the bar.

I don't know why that popped into my head today. Maybe because we had potentially arranged to meet last night, but Friction Guy was unavailable? Or my own indecision about FBS's recent actions that, like CH of old, seem a little too tactile etc. to be platonic.

X Factor.

What is it with Jennifer Lawrence?

I just watched X-Men: Apocalypse, where she reprised her role as Mystique. I also watched Passengers recently as well, which I enjoyed... but the central aspect of the plot didn't sit right with me.

She's a stunning woman, but not one I find sexy, but there is something beguiling about her and she looked stunning in Passengers.

Spontaneity

"You should come and visit" It was KfW2. She'd managed to get away for a few days with one of her older friends. They were in a town about an hour's drive north.

I think KfW2 wasn't having as good a time as she'd hoped. The tone of her messages was subdued.

As much as I like spending time with KfW2, I don't like intruding. I don't like it when it's done with me, either. I can point to several posts where I've complained about KfW2 or CH inviting others to something even as simple as a coffee break. I think it goes back to me being an introvert and something to do with that.

An hour or so later, she texted again. Things were better. She'd talked her friend into going to the pub, which I think was the problem earlier.

But the question was posed again.

Would I go to visit them?

I wasn't sure if they were serious, but I declined anyway.

I'll hopefully be out with her on my own in a few weeks.

Oops.

Things I shouldn’t be doing today...

...having improper thoughts about KfW2

Things I'm doing today regardless...

...having improper thoughts about KfW2

Things I'm enjoying doing today...

...having improper thoughts about KfW2

Things I feel guilty about today...

...having improper thoughts about KfW2

I've long posted about my deep-rooted non-platonic feelings about KfW2, but rarely do those feelings cross into "lust" territory when they do surface. I very much regard my feelings non-platonic feelings towards KfW2 as a "girlfriend crush". I believe I've blogged before about gf crushes vs fuck buddy crushes, for example.

Still, a chance glance in the shop yesterday as she was buying some things and I caught her at a certain angle that made her ass look fantastic. I may have said this before, but KfW2 has put on a little weight over the past few years and, for the most part, it really suits her.

Eye-opening.

KfW2 is a woman. I'm sure you've gathered that by now. As such, KfW2 will phone me as she's on her way to my house for a chat. Yes, I went down the "women love to talk" angle.

This day was no different. Halfway through the conversation, KfW2 mentioned something that happened recently, or something I said.

"Hmmm... I can't remember that. Was that like at the start of July?" I asked.

"Noooooo...", KfW2 sounded dubious. "It was last week."

"Oh." I didn't know what to say.

"Your memory is really bad... like a lot worse than mine is."

I didn't want to say - I've been complaining that my short-term memory has been appalling for months.

"Yeah... I... well, let's chat about it when you get here. It's not a phone conversation."

We continued along other topics and fifteen minutes later, KfW2 appeared at my front door.

As she put on her makeup, she turned to me...

"So? Not a phone conversation?"

So, I repeated the stuff that I'd mentioned in this post.  None of it was new to KfW2, having heard it over the course of the last few months. But, like me, I don't think she realised the seriousness of it all.

"It's only recently that I've actually put it together, though", I admitted. "You know, sat down and realised that it's all added up."

"You need to phone your GP" she advised. "And email the HR dept as well. I'm going to pester you until you do these things."

And she did. I still haven't phoned the GP - more to do with getting side-tracked in work and the surgery being closed by the time I get home and remember, but she pinged me and called me every half an hour until I emailed HR.

"Good, I hope you're looking for other jobs. I know you have low self-esteem. That's bad enough in itself, but you can't be letting the job get to you as well."

I'd never considered that I might have low self esteem. I do know that working my socks off but to be never rewarded for it was certainly damaging my professional confidence on top of being frustrating and anger-inducing.

I know I have body issues, and social anxiety/shyness issues... but low self-esteem?

I'm not saying she's wrong... I'm just trying to understand it.

Blast from the Past.

For a while, I had quite a big crush on QC2, but I admitted it to few people as I had no intention on acting upon it. We had been friends for years before these non-platonic feelings surfaced and I was concerned what acting upon that might do. She had no interest in me beyond a friend, that was obvious. She was an attractive girl, catching the eye of many people in the office, and she did tick boxes for me - intelligent, brunette, slim, drank pints, went to pubs rather than clubs.

Most weekends, we ended up in the same bar, albeit separately. She would be with her friends, I with mine, and also, Friction Guy. In work, we were like the Three Musketeers. Outside work, we were friends who sometimes socialised and sometimes just bumped into each other in our favourite pubs.

One night I was sitting with a group of friends, including BW and a guy from work that knew BW separately. A group of girls came in and went directly to the bar. BW's eyes widened.

"Look at the ass on that!" he declared.

Work guy and myself turned around, saw who he was talking about and nodded.

"QC2!" we said in unison.

And to be fair, in a pair of black 501s, she really did look good.

It was only a few weeks earlier that her and her friend turned up, in black 501s, telling me about their new underwear.

"No VPL" they declared. QC2's friend grabbed my hand and made me grope her ass.

"See? You can't feel anything!"

QC2's friend wasn't exactly unattractive herself, but hers wasn't the ass I wanted to get my hands on.

Still, I did end up getting some jealous looks from the males who were nearby.

Where'd she go?

Every now and again, I dip my toe into the online dating world. It's depressing seeing the same old faces (and I'm sure they feel the same way about me). Every now and again, someone cute and/or interesting appears. That was the case this morning before I got out of bed - an attractive brunette, my age, interesting profile blurb. I swiped right and made a mental note to message once I got home this evening.

And upon opening the app again to compose and send a witty message, the match was gone. Did she block me? Un-match? Delete her account? Who knows? But it seems to be a repeating event when I use Tinder. Sigh.

Train wreck.

FP was asking after my work issues a few nights ago, which I explained to him. We got on to the subject of my health and I admitted feeling stressed for some time. We talked about it a bit, but I didn't admit the full scale of the issues that include:

• Short term memory
• Anxiety
• Fatigue
• Eye sight issues
• A twitch in my eye
• A stye

I presume, though I am not a medical professional, that these are all inter-linked. Stress causes lack of sleep. Lack of sleep causes a lack of mental sharpness meaning memory issues and an inability to express myself verbally. The stye has developed presumably because I am continually rubbing the eye that has the twitch in it, which is a result of stress.

The eye sight issues may not be related to stress at all, but are simply my already bad eyesight getting worse, coupled with a new monitor set up in work that's not really working for me.

FP has also suggested that I might get my blood pressure taken, but I reckon that won't be good news at all. I dread to think what my cholesterol and blood pressure levels are like.

I'm trying to decide if this is bad enough to go to see my GP or if it's just a matter of taking the time off that I need. It's not the diagnosis that scares me but rather what the cure might be for any ailment. I don't want to be on drugs for the rest of my life.

Oops.

Another semi-remembered dream last night and another day of frustration, that wasn't helped by an evening drinking pints with FP that has caused the usual post-drinking horniness.

Oh dear.

Sigh.

One of the things I'm dealing with in work is a rather large project involving several big systems. Until recently, that was KfW2's baby. Then I took over, got mega-stressed (on top of the already elevated stress) and was dealing with an imbecile of a man. KfW2 was on-hand to help - an agreement she had with my current boss (her old boss). We were ready to deliver at the end of August, but the dates changed. KfW2 was no longer available, at least on certain dates and she reported that back to The Imbecile.

I'd already said that KfW2's contribution couldn't be assumed as she wasn't in the meeting that changed dates and it was up to me to see if she could help.

This was repeated (by me) in an email only a few days ago - KfW2 couldn't be assumed to be on board because the dates had changed. However The Imbecile emailed my manager expressing this exact assumption. KfW2 promptly replied saying she was unavailable. Between you and me, I'm pretty sure she did this because The Imbecile doesn't listen and has been a thorn in her side for months.

This morning, current boss takes me into a room and claims that The Imbecile has reported KfW2's unavailability to senior members of staff and this has come back to Current Boss. He's unhappy. I should have told him. It was in the email that KfW2 sent, I pointed out. Not good enough. Current Boss has nearly 2000 emails to get through, for various reasons. I had plenty of time to let him know, he claimed. I didn't. I only found out minutes before KfW2 sent the email. (This is the truth, but Current Boss doesn't know I heavily influenced KfW2).

We got into a slightly circular conversation after that. I tried to tell Current Boss that The Imbecile is out of order, that KfW2 was under no obligation to help out once the dates (and by association, her agreement with Current Boss) changed. He told me I wasn't making sense and that something that my boss from last year said now made sense - that I tended to state something, then clarify it, only in "softer" terms. I don't know if this is correct or not - I don't see it as necessarily a negative if I'm clarifying myself immediately - recognising that I'm not being clear. But it was implied that this counted against me last year and could again this year, if I kept this up. This is the first time I've heard this criticism.

Then it came back to the fact I hadn't told him about KfW2. Eventually he backed down - it was less than 24 hours ago and he had been unavailable for most of the day, so I had some leeway. But I didn't consider the KfW2 thing worthy of reporting to him anyway. I would have, had he not been part of the conversation, I guess. And then he started contradicting himself:

• He's confident in my ability but KfW2's unavailability is a BIG RISK!
• I should have told him about this vitally important piece of information that is not vitally important

Not once did he say that The Imbecile's behaviour was unacceptable or that it had been blown out of all proportion or anything else he might have said about The Imbecile given the amount of times myself and KfW2 have told Current Boss of our criticism.

And it kinda reminded me about the feeling I have about being further along the autism spectrum than most - my ability to verbally communicate isn't great, especially when challenged, under pressure, stressed and mentally exhausted. And as well with the reporting - logically, telling Current Boss didn't make sense to me. I don't know how I change how I think. Is this something with how my brain is wired or something else?

Figure it out.

ION, FBS has posted a new profile picture on Facebook.

She still has a great figure.

Now I'm reminded of the dream/day-dream I've had recently.

Bah.