End of year blues (cont'd)

JB's just been in contact to say that they're going to be in the pub I wanted to to go to. She's suggested I pop in for a drink, which kind of takes me back to my original plan of heading there first then meeting up with S.

I'm expecting contact from GM in about 2 hours to let me know his plans and how they tie in with S, so hopefully it should be all sewn up before 8 PM and I won't be running around waiting for phone calls at 10 PM like I was last year.

Like last year, this is a rollercoaster, though this one might at least have a more positive ending.

Oh, and a disclaimer... assuming that CB is in the bar and I am still there when she arrives, without a wingman, it's unlikely I'll do anything, even with my previous post about regrets. You can't underestimate my crippling shyness and lack of confidence, especially around girls I'm attracted to.

End of year blues.

Even my rough plan for tonight has already taken a hit... KfW2's friend is no longer going out, due to illness. I've seen the posts on Facebook, so I kinda figured it out. That was my only chance of hitting the bar I want to attend. Talking to M earlier and he offered the opinion that the vibe in that bar was conducive to meeting and  talking to people. I'd never thought about it, but he's right. It really is one of the more sociable bars in the city. And if I am being honest, the small chance that CB might be there is always a draw, especially given that there's no-one else on the horizon and CB popped into my head again a week or so back.

GM's also managed to pick up a back injury, so he's doubtful for tonight and if that's the case, I really don't know if I will go out. I was a third wheel last year with S's friends... I don't know if I want to do that again this year, in the same bar as last year, feeling let down by my friends and wishing for a bit of luck in meeting someone.

I don't often do regrets, and they say you always regret that stuff you didn't do. Well, I think it's fair to say that I definitely regret not talking to CB a few year's back.

It's the end of the year as we know it...

KfW2 and I have a tradition, but it's nothing out of the ordinary, we simply meet for lunch at some point between Xmas and New Year. That day was yesterday. These days, things are slightly different... certainly less alcohol-centric. It seems we've swapped the post-lunch drinks with trips around the shops, which is disappointing from my point of view. I prefer my chats to take place somewhere comfortable and the odd swig of something alcoholic really doesn't do any harm in loosening me up.

I managed to get a few things off my chest - the ongoing CH thing, the GM contact issue (now resolved), the New Year's Eve frustrations and finally the ongoing funk. I explained that I was frustrated with GM's contact as I'd had a chat with him about my funk. GM knows how much I need to get out on NYE, and I've been pushing it each year for the past three or four years (before that, it was house parties arranged early enough by others that we weren't scrambling on December 30th). Yet, despite that, when I contacted him earlier to find out his plans, he replied that he was going to tag along with S. I've already mentioned how frustrated I am that S has gone out of his way to arrange something after my own suggestions. The news from GM has really frustrated me and, once again, brought up the loneliness I feel at this time of year.

Despite being the core of our circle of friends, the one night I really need/want people to get on board with my arrangements is the one night they simply don't want to know: NYE. They're happy enough for me to arrange nights out at the Christmas Market, summer nights out etc. all year round except NYE.

So I told KfW2 about the ongoing funk, that things like NYE, while not directly related, did have a negative effect. We also talked about CH. I told KfW2 about my frustrations at the inability to get CH out socially, that her backing off when I tried to have personal conversations made me angry and that I didn't know if I was going to bother addressing it because CH is actively looking for another job. Once she leaves our company, I don't expect to see her ever again. KfW2 was surprised. We had a chat about unreliable friends for a bit - KfW2 has her own to contend with.

In between each topic, KfW2 returned to my funk/loneliness, pondering what to do about it. She asked questions about the type of messages I had been sending, but I replied that there was nothing more I could have done. I did get the impression that KfW2 thought that maybe the lack of online dating success was down to the messages I was sending. I reiterated my theory that the messages don't count - if you have a picture and the other person finds you attractive, your message will get read and replied. I don't think she agrees simply because one of her friends got a girlfriend online and she thinks he's practically undateable.

All-in-all, I had a pretty successful afternoon, conversation-wise, and came away from KfW2's in a good mood. A lot of the things that are currently bothering me are now in the open with KfW2, even if solutions aren't immediately available.

I just have to get NYE over me and look forward to a social weekend (possibly out with KfW2, FP and G)... and then get stuck into 2015's goals.

Contact.

After another day of pondering whether or not GM was OK, KfW2 suggested that I message GB. They used to be close, so if something was bothering GM, she might know. I sent the text and waited for a reply... and waited... Five minutes before GB replied, I got a text message from GM. His first actual contact in weeks. Everything was fine, he said. He'd just been keeping a low profile with his family over Xmas.

It was good to know that he's OK, but I'm still no closer to knowing what he wants to do for New Year's Eve though.

Down.

GM has been suspiciously quiet recently. A few weeks ago, when myself, S and another friend went out for Christmas drinks, GM didn't get involved in the conversation, didn't show up and hasn't even acknowledged that the night took place. That's unlike him, he usually, at least, says he won't be turning up. My text message from a few nights ago is still unanswered and a voice mail left last night, where I professed concern, is also unanswered.

He has been online; he's been posting on Facebook, especially conversing with a foreign friend of his, and after I left my voice mail, so I do know he's been up and about.

At this rate, my New Year's Eve will be a washout. I know S is going out and that's a fall back, but it's a real last resort kinda thing as I've previously mentioned. KfW2's friend is posting on Facebook about a cold that she's got so she may not be out on NYE (though I don't know her well enough to spend the entire night with her).

I know that he was depressed at the start of the year (something that's not entirely common knowledge with our group) after a breakup with a girl he was seeing that didn't work out and my concern is that he's feeling that way again. After all, I tend to get more lonely/funked at this time of year anyway even without NYE shenanigans getting me down, so it's possible that GM is too.

Gone quiet.

Unsurprisingly, GM hasn't yet responded to the text message I sent him almost nine hours ago. He is my one main hope for getting out on New Year's Eve. He was originally talking about hosting a party, but seeing as there's been no invite and it's four days to NYE, I can't see that happening. I've already mentioned S, but his "loyalty" to his friends means that even when he invites other out, they're left feeling like outsiders. At least that's how I felt last year.

At the very least, I can hopefully meet KfW2's friend for a couple of drinks, but that's all I can really say for certain.

I really hope GM doesn't go quiet like he did last year. An answer, one way or the other, is still an answer and I can plan appropriately.

It wasn't that long ago (only three or four years) where there were house parties that had forty-odd people at them, now I'm struggling to get two or three people to the pub.

Non-stop.

After a non-stop, sixty-something hours at my sister's place, eating, drinking and running around after nephews and nieces, I'm back home in the comfort of my own place.

I was out last night with FP and BR. E3 was invited but has gone quiet, so we didn't know if she was going to show up or not. It was a better night than I was expecting... usually it's a small crowd with people from school, but this year the school crowd were in the minority and it was mostly BR's other friends that I didn't really know.

Still, I'm looking forward to my own space (both housemates are away as well) for a few days, but I also know I'm going to have to start the hunt for stuff to do on NYE. I'll be starting with GM later this afternoon. He's been strangely quiet over the Christmas period.

Ho hum(bug).

I thought that I had successfully talked S into going along with my New Year's Eve plans, which would have meant going to one of my favourite bars. It's pretty much a nailed on affair - guaranteed crowds (though not too busy), plenty of atmosphere and it's just got a good vibe. Over the past few years when I've been there, there's always been a good mix of people and some really good looking women. It's the bar where I've seen CB, amongst others.

Last night, S then dropped the bombshell that since our last night out, he's been pestering his mates to forgo their house party plans and go out with him... to the bar where we were last year. It's a nice bar, but last year it was half-empty and pretty soulless.

Attempts to talk him round have proved futile. I've mentioned before his devotion to his core set of mates, which is admirable in some ways and frustrating in others. I did admit to him that I was pretty pissed off that he'd essentially agreed to my plans last week, but had done a complete about-turn and not even told me.

Now, my promising looking NYE is at risk. I could still turn up to the bar I want - at the moment one of KfW2's friends will be there, but I'll still be on my own (I know her well enough to stop in for a drink, but not well enough to sit with her all night). If I can maybe talk GM into it, that's definitely an option, but he was meant to be out last night and was strangely absent and quiet. Usually if he's not coming out, he usually states upfront what his plans are.

As if I wasn't in a funk enough this morning, while killing time at work on Facebook, a throwaway text message from M about a mutual friend of ours brought CB to mind again and a quick search later... *sigh*

I have a night out with BR and his wife. E3 might be there, but she hasn't confirmed as yet. At the moment, I'm not feeling it. I already feel partied out and could do with a complete rest from food and booze. I've also got a lunch date with KfW2 a few days after Christmas that I am looking forward to.

As always, it's the NYE stuff that's the main cloud... and being reminded of CB hasn't helped with the usual funk either. On the plus side I'm looking forward to seeing my nieces' and nephews' tomorrow morning after Santa has been.

Bored.

Today, I was bored at work so activated the chat feature in Facebook and got talking to some people who were online. I spent a very pleasant few hours talking to A and R2.

A and I have semi-regular conversations, four or five times a year. I've not spoken properly to R2 for years though, and a comment from her last week on Facebook brought her to mind.

Despite the frequency of contact, there are enough bonds with both women that by the time we'd wrapped up the conversations, I'd had an invite (practically a demand, actually) for a drink or coffee from A and an invite to visit NY (complete with "place to crash") from R2.

I'll probably be in London a couple of times next year, so meeting A for an hour or so is do-able, but it's unlikely that I'll be seeing R2 any time soon, despite New York being on my list of places to visit.

Communication breakdown.

CH has been interacting with me over the weekend but, tellingly, not communicating. 'Likes' on Facebook, playing moves in Words With Friends but not replying to my text message of Friday afternoon. I caved this morning and sent a text, suggesting she was quiet and had she enjoyed the Christmas party?

She replied within a few hours. Nothing was mentioned about Friday's text or my current query. She did answer the question though - she did have a good time on Thursday, but didn't expand any further.

USHW accused me of ducking the confrontation, and that's partly true. Part of me wants to give her the chance to redeem herself without hand-holding from me, though I realise that each time I do, there's a good chance that she simply gives me more reasons to cut my losses.

After her admission of a few months ago about how much she values my opinions and judgement, it is really strange that she backs off any time I look as if I might start a serious conversation.

And that's what it's coming down to... even more than her unreliability and cancellations, I think. I binned off GB because of a two year period where she was giving nothing back to our "relationship" (I'd struggle to call it friendship, but it was more than acquaintances). CH is getting perilously close to this point.

When I was telling KfW2 about the CH thing on Friday, she laughed and suggested that she might be worried in case I was about to profess undying love to her. I laughed along... but maybe that is partly the issue - she's definitely interested in me in a non-platonic way and is trying to keep the friendship at arm's length?

Of course, USHW suggested that maybe the reason this has strung along for so long is because of my own non-platonic feelings. She's right, of course. Without the lust/attraction (and even CH's own physical attention towards me), it's entirely possible our relationship would never have even gotten off the ground to begin with or at least have faded out a long time ago, after all, I've been more than vocal about how important reliability is to me.

Maybe the reasons why CH is doing what she does aren't important? I've given up on it over Christmas... I doubt I'll hear from her until we're all back in work in two weeks and I'll deal with it then. I know she is talking about leaving our company for new challenges, and I was kinda expecting the friendship to end then anyway, but maybe it's worth challenging her on this? There is a core of a good friendship there... she has shown glimpses, but it's always been on her terms. She has shown an interest in my life before, especially my dating status, but it's always been her to start that conversation.

It's not the start to 2015 that I would have wanted, but it's a chat I need to have if I want the friendship to continue.

In the cold light of day...

I was wary about this year's Christmas event due to getting far too drunk last year and making comments to KfW2 that I really shouldn't have about her appearance. They weren't all negative, but they shouldn't have been said.

When the guys suggested that, once again, we start in a nearby bar early, I was apprehensive. I shouldn't have worried though. We might have started early, but we were sensible in our intake. By the time it came to join the rest of our colleagues, we were tipsy but nowhere near as drunk as the same stage last year.

In fact, I'd had a lot of comments all night from people who told me that I didn't seem to be that drunk, including KfW2 and CH. It was a weird night with CH, though. Even from within the hotel, she'd tried calling me before the meal and afterwards for reasons unknown. When we did manage to find each other, we didn't get a chance to sit and chat. Every time we did bump into each other, someone else would interrupt and take one of us away. After having yet another coffee cancelled last week, I very much wanted to sit down and talk to her about her reliability as mentioned a few weeks ago, but the chance never arose. More on that later, though.

People might not have thought I was drunk, but I was in a great mood that was partly fuelled by alcohol. It was the type of mood I often post about on here where the shyness etc. never comes into play. People who don't know me that well would see any of the following as being out of character, but I had:

• Been very chatty to some cute women I've never spoken to before
• Gotten one of them on the dance floor for a laugh
• Kissed JB (not anything untoward, but simply a big smack on the lips with comedy 'MWAH') as I walked past her
• Engaged in banter with our managing director

I'm also pretty sure one of CH's male friends was making moves on her at the end of the night. His actions really reminded me of the night that E3 came on to me. She seemed totally unfazed about it though (or didn't notice), so I have no plans to follow up on this.

On the bus on the way home, one of GM's (stunning) exes was chatting away to me. She offered her lap as a seat, but I declined, explaining jokingly that I was a big lad and would break her legs. I told Stalky Guy about this yesterday and you could almost feel the jealousy seeping through the Whatsapp messages.

I sent CH a text message... a cryptic "We need to talk". When I awoke the next morning, there were a couple of messages from her. "Why?" "What's up?" "Are you OK?"

While not hungover, I needed to gather my thoughts. My head's often fuzzy after a night's drinking even if I don't get hangovers in the traditional sense. Instead I called KfW2 and we talked about the night out. She'd enjoyed herself and reiterated my so-called good behaviour. KfW2 laughed when I told her what I'd actually done. During the phone call, CH sent yet another message telling me that I was acting weird. After the phone call from KfW2 ended, I tried to call CH but I was directed to voice mail so I sent a text message instead, explaining everything. Or at least enough to start a conversation.

That was at 4 PM yesterday and I'm still to receive a reply from CH. As USHW said to me, it's now out there and we can address it or not. If our friendship means as much to CH as she recently, drunkenly, confessed, then she'll deal with it. If not...

Oh dear.

I drank far too much at our Xmas party, but I was generally well behaved. Although I'm not hungover, I am really tired and my head's too fuzzy to do a proper post. I'll save that for later. Two things I wanted to get out was what looked to me like someone actually trying to pull CH and me, kicking off a conversation with CH about her cancelling nights out with the line "We need to talk" before falling asleep. I awoke this morning to a couple of concerned sounding messages from her. I've clarified what I meant now, but I haven't heard back from her since I sent that explanatory message a few hours ago.

The next two weeks.

It's our work Christmas night out tomorrow. I don't think we'll be seeing a replay of last year's shenanigans with CH - that was something that just happened rather than being engineered. I think I'm looking forward to it, but I am wary that the last two big nights out that I had high hopes for ended up being non-events or disappointing. Grabbing a drink with CH will be fun though. KfW2 will also be out.

I'm also hoping to start the bargaining for New Year's Eve. S has an idea about taking his friend out, but his idea sounds more like a date than a fun night out. I have a theory on that which I may have shared here in the past. GM is still undecided about what to do - he's keen on a house party but I could tempt him into coming out.

I've kinda got FP interested as well, but getting him out with his wife might well depend on getting KfW2 out. She's reluctant, but I might be able to talk her into coming out early and leaving early, especially seeing as her best friend will be in one of her favourite pubs, which is where I want to go.

Potentially that could be a night out with seven friends plus KfW2's friends in a pub I know will have good atmosphere on New Year's Eve. I don't want to get excited, but who knows?

Sigh.

I think yesterday has pretty much drawn the line under our big days out. That's not to say that I had a bad time, far from it, I really enjoyed myself during the evening, but I don't think that it was as good as I had hoped and I am feeling rather deflated today. In addition, I found myself getting annoyed at KfW2 and her husband for doing nothing more than getting some alone time. Maybe it was just that I'm still in this funk and still feeling a little lonely or maybe it was because this was all KfW2's idea originally, but when you're an hour late, only out for four hours and you spend probably an hour of that doing your own thing, it seems to me that maybe you'd prefer just to be alone.

Once KfW2 and her husband left, we grabbed some fast food. I ended the night after that, even though S, S's friend and GM were going on to another pub. Though I was quite drunk, by that stage, I think I'd had enough and was already started to feel a little deflated/melancholic.

One bright side to come out of it was that S's New Year's Eve plans have fallen through - all of his mates are looking to go to house parties, so hopefully, with a bit of persuasion, I can talk both him and GM into doing what I want to do.

Jumping to conclusions.

I awoke this morning and checked my phone. A message was sent on Facebook. Hmmm... I don't have Facebook Messenger installed on my phone - a petty rebellion against the company. Why should it be a separate application? But it got me thinking. Today's our annual "big day out".

Most of the usual suspects are going except GB, MF and CH.

The first thought that crossed my mind was that KfW2 had messaged to say she wasn't able to go. That's the way things have been going recently, but when I logged into my PC, it turns out that it was actually from USHW hoping that I have a good day today.

Is that what it's come to? That my first thought about anything is that I am going to be let down?

Postponing.

My night out with D, FBS, Opinionated Guy and Friction Guy is put on hold. It's not just because FBS is refusing to come out, but also because D's wife is ill and is in the middle of several sessions of surgery. Serious surgery. I don't think she's in any danger, but it'll be a while before she's doing any babysitting.

As it happens, I bumped into Friction Guy today while I was out shopping. I haven't seen him in years. Back in the day, Friction Guy, QC2 and myself used to hang around an awful lot in work and socialising together, so it was good to see him again.

So, I won't be seeing these guys before Christmas... it's likely to be February at the earliest before we get the guys out. FBS probably won't be out until late spring.

However, I am in the mood for some socialising. I have a big day out on Sunday, but I could easily go out tonight if an offer was presented.

The cold shoulder.

The young of the two new house mates is already starting to piss me off. From trying to rearrange the kitchen, to always leaving the ironing board in the middle of the floor (we never put it away, it just sits at the side of the room), to running the heating almost constantly.

He's been running the heating a) almost as a habit rather than necessity and b) at the highest level.

I keep turning the level down to about 60%. If you put you hand on a radiator, you can't tell the difference between that and full power, but each time he turns on the heating, he moves it back to over 90%.

He doesn't usually get into the house until after 9PM, but he already has a routine - turn on the heating, make some food, have a shower and he'll turn off the heating after 11PM when he's going to bed.

Even if we've already had the eating on for a bit, he still turns it on. Our place hold the heat really well, so a quick hour or so of heating (even at 60%) will keep the place comfortable for a good couple of hours afterwards, but this guy doesn't seem to notice and will turn the heating on again... one night he turned it on no more than five minutes after I'd turned it off, FFS.

I'm not complaining about the heating being on. Heat is a necessity, especially in winter, but I think he's using it too much. There are times when I am tempted to turn off the heating because I am uncomfortably warm.

I'm digressing a little. The gas has now run out. That leaves us with no heating and no hot water. Unsurprisingly, Heating Guy hasn't topped up the card or even mentioned that there's no more gas. Thinking about it, neither has TV Guy. I was the last person to top up the gas card, so it's up to one of the new guys. Except neither of them appear willing to accept responsibility for anything.

Droooooool.

A close friend of mine recently posted a picture of himself with Mylene Klass on Facebook. Mmmm... Dark eyed brunettes rock.

And following on in a tenuous way, I bumped into my actress neighbour this morning, who was looking stunning. She seemed to be running late, so there was no chance of striking up a conversation  though.

Speaking socially.

Usually at this stage, I'm looking forward to a few Christmas nights out. We have our now-annual trip out with KfW2, GM, S etc. in a few days and the work's Christmas party this time next week, but the one thing that's not yet been arranged is the night out with D, FBS etc.

Usually it's FBS who does the running, but this time it's me. FBS is heavily pregnant with about ten weeks to go and is steadfastly refusing to go to a pub. That might not help because one of our crowd has been a little weird recently and the last time there was a bit of friction from one guy because me, D and FBS went for a smoke and left him with this other bloke, Opinionated Guy.

Since then, Friction Guy has not come out. If FBS is boycotting out night out, Friction Guy might well not bother. Still, if you don't ask you don't get, so I sent out feelers to the usual people.

Only one person has replied so far, Opinionated Guy, so we'll have to see what happens.

Open wide and say "Wow!"

I was chatting to USHW earlier, and left with the message that I was going to the dentist. Her name's Lucy* and she's new at my practice.

"All Lucy's are cute, so I'm expecting her to be cute", I said jokingly.

It turns out that I was more than right... she was stunning!

Later, on my way to visit my sister, I got a call from KfW2. I explained that I was just out of the dentist, having seen the new girl.

"Is she as cute as the last one?" asked KfW2.

To be honest, I don't remember the last one being that cute. Maybe she was confusing her with my sexy physiotherapist from a few years ago, but I didn't have the time to explain or get into it.

"She's cuter!" I said.

KfW2 laughed.

We soon got onto the real reason for her phone call and that was that.

*Not her real name.

Last Christmas...

After all the talk this year about CH, I had pretty much forgotten about some aspects of last year's work's Christmas Party until USHW asked a few questions earlier about this year's.

We (me and group of colleagues) turned up early to a pub near the hotel and started drinking quite early. By the time it came to meet everyone else, four hours later, I was more than tipsy. When KfW2 arrived, I berated her for her hairstyle before complimenting her on her ass in a figure hugging dress. She was really not impressed.

Later, I bumped into CH and GB. GB was staying at the hotel and had brought in some illicit booze which she was sharing with people. When I got to the room, there were already a few people there, including CH. CH was wrecked. I've never seen her that drunk before (and consider that I was nowhere near sober myself) and found it all amusing.

I also had to sit beside her and cover her modesty as she lay back on the bed, her dress rising up and giving off more of a show than she'd realised. We had our drinks and prepared to leave GB's room and return to the throng. CH squeezed my thigh and whispered that she was going for a nap and could I come and get her again in half an hour.

I think I saw a bit of mischief in her eyes, but it was hard to tell. I left the room, returned to the party and mingled a bit, but all the while I had an eye on the clock. After about forty minutes, I excused myself from a conversation and returned to GB's room. When I was about twenty yards away, the door opened and GB came out, followed by CH.

CH looked at me. It was hard to read, but I'm convinced it was a look of disappointment. CH leaned up against me as we returned to the main room, and even under the watchful eye of GB, CH was being very tactile in her usual subtle way.

We didn't see a lot of each other for the rest of the night, but she hunted me out at the end. I walked her and her friends (MFF and others) to CH's sister's car as she was giving them a list home. As they all got into the car, CH turned and kissed me. Again, a peck on the lips but one that lasted just a fraction too long. Luckily, everyone apart from CH's sister was drunk or there might have been more made about it. CH got into the car and left.

By this stage, KfW2 had forgiven me and offered me a lift home. The Christmas party ended half an hour later when I was dropped at my place.

Spot the trend.

My lunch date yesterday with QC1 fell through. Well, more accurately, she never replied to my email confirming my availability. I did meet CH for coffee though and, if I am being honest, she didn't look to be in too much discomfort, despite her Facebook protestations.

Still, we were both due to take our time off, even if we weren't going to the pub together, so I suggested we did lunch. From that, we spent a fun few hours wandering around the city doing bits and pieces of shopping. It was only after we'd been walking around solidly for about 90 minutes that she started complaining of discomfort.

I suggested we found somewhere for a drink or coffee.

We chatted, but we didn't cover any serious ground. I didn't talk about my current funk and disappointment in her unreliability and she didn't mention her job hunting.

We parted company at 4 PM as she left to get the bus home and I had to return to my place to await KfW2's arrival at 5 PM.

Except KfW2 called at 4:30 and said she'd be running late. And she sent a text at 5:10 to say she'd be on her way. And called at 6 PM to say that she was stuck in traffic. And sent another text at 6:30 to say she was ten minutes away before finally arriving at 6:45 PM. With her nine week old daughter in tow.

This night was never about going out and getting falling down drunk, but it was very much about find a cosy bar, having a few drinks over five-or-so hours and talking. Obviously, turning up nearly three hours after the original meeting time with an infant isn't going to mean any kind of relaxing, fun night.

I'd been swapping emails with USHW between leaving CH and KfW2's arrival and my parting shot as I left was "I think we're literally going to show up to the restaurant, have something to eat and leave."

Apparently, KfW2 Jnr was brought along because a few nights previously, Mr KfW2 had to look after the infant for a while and KfW2 thought that it was unfair that he did it while she was out having fun and getting drunk. In isolation, this is not an unreasonable attitude... until KfW2 tells me that she's going to visit her parents this weekend because Mr KfW2 is at his Xmas party and she won't be able to cope on her own.

I love KfW2 to bits and I enjoyed the two and a half hours that we spent, even though her attention the entire time was her daughter. After my success a few weeks ago with GM, I wanted to have the same conversation with KfW2, but we barely got into our stride, conversation-wise.

The last thing that KfW2 said as she left me off home was that we should arrange a night out, just the two of us.

USHW asked if I'd had a good time. The answer was that I did. With both women (though the question was more to do with KfW2). More specifically, that answer was: "In isolation, yes. In comparison to what should have been, a massive, massive disappointment."

USHW asked for clarification.

I said: "It should have been a full night out with KfW2 and CH, having some drinks and lots of chatting that I've been looking forward to for 7 weeks. What it turned out to be was an afternoon shopping with CH and a 2 hour meal with KfW2 whose priority was her daughter the entire time."

Both women were apologetic, but sometimes it's not enough, especially from CH who's been as unreliable as anyone I can remember... even more so than AM. Both have legitimate excuses this time around (even if part of me thinks that CH was exaggerating her pain and that KfW2 was being too sensitive).

It did prompt a theory that has been bubbling along for a while ow subconsciously, but just put of reach - I think I've been taking these things badly over the past 18 months because the upshot of it when someone can't pull through for me or cancels a social engagement is that I'm  not important enough in their lives. That, then, resurfaces the usual funk about wanting to meet someone... to be that important in someone's life. Disappointment in supposedly minor things like GB not coming out on NYE last year, CH making last-minute cancellations, GM and S being unavailable etc. have all been amplified because of that one thing.

I'm definitely going to have to have the conversation with both CH and KfW2 about everything really, but it has to be in person and, well, you know...

Looking forward (Part 4)

I was in the middle of a convo with USHW tonight when I got a message on Facebook from CH to KfW2 and me. I'm paraphrasing, but it essentially said:

"I'm in tremendous pain, I could barely move today, can we completely change the plans we had for this week to be a lunch thing instead of going to the pub at night?"

I pretty much, in a polite way, told her not to bother - if she was that bad, that she could come out another time. I mean that, but fuck it, I'm not arranging it. I'm also tentatively meeting QC1 for lunch that day.

She cancelled a night in October that I had suggested, then it was her idea to meet this week. That initially didn't work out for her (not for KfW2 or me), so we changed it to Friday of last week. Then that didn't suit her either, so we moved it to Thursday of this week. Which she's now crying off from.

That's four times she's changed/cancelled or cried off something.

I'm angry and frustrated. Anger's not going to accomplish anything, so when I do inevitably have a chat with her about this, I shall have to play up to the frustration angle.

There's a core of a good friendship there. She's already told me as much herself - about how much she values my input, advice and point of view. I know that she's been very impressed about the fact that when I offer up a counter-argument to hers that I can reason with her rather than simply adopt an opposing point of view.

Thinking about it, though, it's not reciprocated. Any time I try to have a serious conversation with her on my terms, she seems to back off. Admittedly, these are mostly over IM or text message as we don't get any time together, alone.

But recently she has been talking about taking her career in a new direction which is, more than likely, going to mean a change in employer. Following this to its logical conclusion, that means we won't see each other any more and she's already proved that we can't talk over text messages. God forbid that I might actually phone her. Single men and married women simply do not do that kind of thing - though she doesn't bat an eyelid at me and KfW2.

I still have to hear from KfW2 about whether the night will go ahead. I'm 99% sure that it will... but I'll be on tender-hooks until I get that message.

Looking forward (Part 3)

"Has CH been in touch with you?" was a question I asked KfW2 last week.

"No" was the reply. "Why?"

Why indeed. Continuing CH's run of bad luck, she was involved in a car accident at the beginning of last week. Luckily, it wasn't too serious (in terms of people getting hurt) and it wasn't her fault. But with an impending night out approaching, alarm bells started to ring.

Despite the fact this was CH's idea, we've had to re-arrange it at least three times... and all because of CH. While CH hasn't actually cancelled as yet, discussions are ongoing between her and KfW2. CH has already been to the GP about whiplash (proper, rather than "give me some money" fake whiplash) and is on medication that doesn't allow her to drink.

KfW2 is having issues with babysitters.

I've left the ball in their respective courts (CH hasn't directly told me she's not drinking, this is from KfW2). I understand that one of them is physically injured and the other has a dependency, but I will be gutted  and angry if our night out is called off at this stage.

KfW2 and I had made arrangements months ago that we would have a night out around this time, so when CH suggested going out, it seemed logical to merge that night and our originally planned one into one. Now, mainly because of CH, that might not happen at all.

I asked KfW2 a few hours ago if I should change my plans. I'm just waiting on the reply.