Bittersweet memories.

Facebook has shown me a picture of a pint of beer from three years ago today. I recall the day well: I met with FP and BR, we went to a restaurant, chatted then ended up in a pub that's close by.

It's memorable for all the wrong reasons. FP shared news about his illness with BR. BR shared news with FP about his addiction problems. And while the news sharing wasn't fun or great, it was great catching up with the guys, and the conversation quickly turned more positive and happy, even though strictly speaking, we shouldn't have been in the pub, but BR insisted it was OK and we did want to continue our conversation.

And a final, less positive note on this memory, it was the last day I saw FP in person. A very bittersweet memory. 

I'll have a beer later, I think. 

Something to ponder.

I've been thinking about the Male Loneliness Epidemic recently. It's a big thing online. I don't know if it's as pervasive in real life, but I know that it's something I think about quite often. Regular readers will know that I've posted about loneliness before and my issues with my sister/brother-in-law and KfW2 always putting the responsibility for being in contact on me.

Often, from my perspective, the issue is not being alone but the quality of company when I do hunt it out. And "company" is doing a lot of heavy lifting there. I don't think I'm explaining myself too well. It's not the company per se but really how the company comes about and what happens when in company.

Even a nonsense conversation has value if someone seeks me out and makes the effort to get in touch. I was stupidly pleased when KfW2 got in touch at the end of last week, even if it was only because she subsequently wanted a favour.

Having loved ones take some time out of their day to get in touch means an awful lot to me. I get zero from my sister. I can't remember if I've blogged about this before, but I've lived in this house for ten years and my sister has never popped in for an impromptu chat and coffee. She has been here, but there's always a specific reason for her to be here. But she's very much of the mindset that people go to her.

KfW2 has semi-pivoted to that. She used to pop in quite frequently, but since Covid, that's all but gone. She's mentioned more than once that I am always welcome down at hers when I need company, which is great, but sometimes I just wanna get her on her own, no hubby, no kids, and be open with her.

FP has been a big loss and probably a big factor to me feeling lonely more frequently these days as we'd chat a few times a month, in person, in the pub.

Conversations with G scratch that itch, but he's only ever home once every few months and we usually grab an hour or so to chat over coffee or a beer.

And to give an example where it doesn't have to be in-person and more about the kind/quality of communication, USHW and I used to have ongoing rambly email conversations that often got quite deep and often quite personal. And I held those in great regard. Even the quick WhatsApp chats we have these days can sort of get there, just not to the same detail that they would have years ago.

So, yeah, for anyone reading this, people don't necessarily have to be isolated or alone to feel lonely. It's always worth reaching out to your loved ones, and it's even better to make the effort and see them in person. 

Family ties.

I went to my sister's with a view to chat about some family stuff and ended up at my Dad's doing a clear out of the roof space.

We've thrown out a lot of stuff over the past few weeks. My Dad is a hoarder - though not one of those hardline ones that you see on TV. However, we did still throw out several TVs that were at least 30 years old.

I also found (and kept)  a few things from my school days. Specifically, FP and I arranged our end-of-school social - a party at a local nightclub with a live band and a DJ. As part of the clearout, I found some posters we'd created. We had grander schemes than just inviting our school which didn't really work out. But FP and I still ended up selling hundreds of tickets. Not bad for a Tuesday night.

I should photograph them and put them on social media. 

Amaze amaze amaze.

I've always been interested in space. The black stuff in the night sky, not being left alone (though that's not bad either, in moderation). So I was delighted when I found out that Netflix was live broadcasting the current Artemis mission to the moon.

I've been sat here, in front of the PC, with Netflix on. There's not a lot to see visually, but I'm finding this absolutely fascinating. Years ago, I was absolutely jealous of KfW2 who was in Florida when the last ever shuttle mission landed at Kennedy Space Center in Florida, though she never actually went to see the landing.

It's been nearly ten years since FP and I went to Kennedy Space Center when we were in Florida, which will always be one of my all-time favourite memories. Going to KSC was something I had on my bucket list and it's not every day you get to tick something off that, is it?

Normality.

Six years ago, to the day, I walked out of the office not knowing if I would be back in on the Monday. I had told all around me, including my bosses, that I was expecting things to shut down quickly and that we wouldn't see each other for a while. They were dubious, but I grabbed everything that I thought I'd need: cables, pens, notepads etc. And despite not fully admitting that I was right, I saw them do the same.

24 hours later, I was out with FP at CB Pub which only had a fraction of the people it normally would for a Saturday night.

48 hours later, while KfW2 was visiting in the afternoon, the call came in: the office would be shut for the foreseeable future, and that was the last time I was in the office full time.

And this is the new normal. 

Here we go again.

AM posted on my New Year's post on Facebook. Unsurprisingly, it's the same old "we really must meet up soon". She won't, though, make any effort. I'm still waiting for the meet up she promised at FP's funeral, over two years ago.

Suits you.

The funeral is tomorrow, so I need to dust off the suit, tie and shoes. The question is, though, which one?

I've mentioned, in passing, that I've been on a weight loss journey this year. It was kicked off by another funeral roughly around this time last year. I couldn't fit into my suit, that I hadn't worn since FP's funeral a few years back. I was disappointed for a few reasons. 

Firstly, I liked the suit. It was one that KfW2 helped me pick out and I never felt as self-conscious in it as I did in other suits. I think because of KfW2's influence and her approval. I know USHW often posted positiver comments when she saw me in the suit and CH's eyes near popped out of her head when she saw me in it at work events. So not being able to fit into it was disappointing. 

Secondly, when I went to buy a new suit, I had to look at jackets and trousers several sizes up. I had put on a lot of weight since Covid.

I made the executive decision there and then to buy a cheap suit and start thinking about proper weight loss.

So here we are, a year later. I've lost a significant amount of weight. I've probably not been this weight in at least a decade or longer, so I am extremely confident that when I try on the older suit at lunchtime that it'll fit again.

Surprise, surprise.

Randomly, earlier today I discovered that FP had an Instagram account. FP, like me, was not a big social media kind of person. It was not under his real name, which is why I don't think it registered sooner, even if it was listed under the "suggested for you" section.

There are a few familiar names in there - Attractive Neighbour, FBS and S are the top 4 (along with FP). All of their accounts are locked down, though.

I don't appear in any of FP's Instagram posts, though there are at least a couple of pictures where I'm sure I'm floating around behind the camera somewhere.

I miss FP. It's his birthday soon.

Out of the blue, again.

I had a dream last night where I was working, but I can't really explain what the work was. I feel it was like some data analysis for health insurance or something? My boss was someone that actually used to be my boss a few years back. We didn't really see eye-to-eye as she was extremely pedantic about stuff that just made life harder for no real benefit.

I also got paired up with an attractive short brunette woman. I'm convinced this was either Quiet Girl or R. I'm leaning heavily towards it being R. She was being very clingy and I mean that literally - being tactile to the point of not letting go, and the dream was mostly about me trying to get my own space.

It's interesting in that I've not thought about R in... a decade? The last time I do recall thinking about R was when FP and I were in London in September 2014 and took a day trip to Brighton which is where R was living at the time. CAB, too, but that's not relevant to this post. I go and try and find her, but she's never had any social media presence. I doubt that's changed now.

Out out.

Seeing KfW2 last weekend has really reignited the itch to be social, to see friends, to be out and about people watching. I miss the nights out I had with KfW2. I miss the nights out I had with The Crowd.

And, of course, I miss the nights out with FP.

My social life fell apart after Covid and it just hasn't restarted, nor have I met anyone new, partly as a result of having no social life.

I should call Nerdy Girl. 

*Pats back*

It's the last proper day of my time off work. back on Monday, but we're now into the weekend (ish). I'm quite pleased as I've not just spent the whole week sitting on the sofa watching TV. I've done that before then had massive regret that I wasn't more productive when I went back to work.

This week I've managed to see KfW2, arrange a couple of quotes for house stuff, get some gardening done including giving the hedge a good trim (a fairly big job, too). I also reached out to FP's widow. I've not message her in a while, so I thought I'd reach out. I should fire her another message and offer to meet for coffee or drinks or something.

So, I don't see there being any regret when I log on when Monday rolls round and I do (currently at least) feel quite recharged. 

Sigh.

It's been two years since FP passed away. I can't remember the exact date, but it was today or yesterday. It was definitely this date that Mrs FP called to give me the news. It wasn't unexpected. He'd been ill for some time, but it was still difficult news to take.

I'd lost people close to me before, but FP was different. We'd see each other frequently, we'd message nearly daily and, with KfW2 and USHW, he was one of few people who really knew me. He was my sounding board, offering advice when needed. And the gap he left hasn't yet been filled.

And it might go without saying after the last paragraph, but I still miss him.

Facebook memories around this time are difficult as we'd been to a few gigs and taken more than a few pictures.

I really should get in touch with Mrs FP. I feel kin da guilty that I've not been in touch even though I always got the feeling that she didn't like me but was glad that I occupied FP so she could spend time with her family. She was extremely close to her family to a point that felt wrong to me.

Wait, what?

I had a dream last night that involved FP and Jessica Alba. We were at his holiday home in America and after a hard day's work painting his apartment. After showering and changing, we hit his local blues bar.

After propping up the bar for an hour or so,  this stunning brunette stood beside us and ordered drinks. FP chatted to her as my eye was drawn across the room to another woman. Eventually he tagged me into the conversation and the stunning brunette was Jessica Alba.

Within minutes of us chatting, she got very tactile and it was clear she was interested. She took her drinks and went back to her friends.

Long story short, during the rest of the evening, we kept bumping into each other, but I never took my chance. I woke this morning extremely frustrated. 

The dream really reminded me of the night I met Recruitment Bird for the first time. A similar thing happened, except I did take my chance that evening.

This is the day.

It's a day of anniversaries. 33 years ago, I started a new job that introduced me to QC2 (and later Friction Guy, FBS and Opinionated Guy).

But the actual reason for this post is that today is the 20th anniversary of me meeting USHW in person for the first time. If memory serves me correctly, it was around this time, too: half past four on a warm, sunny Friday evening outside Notting Hill Gate tube station. I wouldn't say that this is where our friendship began... we'd already been communicating on MSN Messenger (remember that?) for about six months and USHW had been prising more and more personal information out of me.

I knew she was doing it, of course. She was never subtle about it nor did she claim to be. But my various online presences and personae all had one thing in common - I rarely gave anything away about myself beyond some basic facts. I was renowned for being enigmatic. So I think she rather viewed it as a challenge.

We've only met twice, which is something I've always been really disappointed in, but there were extenuating circumstances that prevented me from pursuing more.

In fact, we were sharing a bed the first time we met. We were definitely friends at this point. And, actually, we're not that far away from the tenth anniversary of our second/last meeting, too.

Anyway... I thought the date was worth mentioning. USHW and I don't communicate that frequently any more, and I do miss her and think of her regularly. For a long time, she was a very dear friend, an outlet and probably the person who knew me (knows me) better than anyone on the planet, including FP and KfW2. Nothing was off-limits in our conversations, and I know that people say that, but in this case it was true. I think people who know me might be shocked at how open I was and the conversations we'd had.

I know she still passes by the blog regularly so Happy Meeting In Person Anniversary, USHW!

Bloody hell, time flies.

Facebook reminds me that it's 5 years this weekend since my employer told everyone not to come back to the office, and we've been that way since. FP and I were in CB Pub for a last hurrah, obviously unwisely, but I to remember that we both needed it at the time.

And then KfW2 visited on the Sunday as we got our official text messages from work with the news.

Five years. Sheesh.

Mucho randomness.

Way back when I was still at school, FP and I would often spend our Saturday afternoons camped at SJ's workplace - a tiny home bakery on the nearby high street. That would have been roughly around the time I mad a massive crush on her. We'd easily spend a couple of hours hanging around and chatting in between customers.

For some reason, that popped into my head this morning. Very random.

And as I am likely to have said before, SJ is one of the few people from school that I'd like to see again that I haven't seen in a long time.

Urgh.

I'm operating on about 4 hours of sleep. I go to sleep easily last night, but woke after an hour or so, around 1 AM, then I was unable to get back to sleep until near 6 AM, only to wake at 9 AM.

I'm three coffees in and they're not making a difference.

I also had a dream during that last period of sleep. In it, all of a sudden, KfW2 and my sister were being super nice to me. I couldn't figure it out until much later when one of them admitted that they'd bumped into each other on a cocktail night out, got talking about me, decided I was in a bad way and they were going to help.

This is all very vague because the details of the dream faded really quickly. Was this due to lack of sleep or the dream not being that detailed to begin with?

But the dream is kinda accurate. I have been feeling lonely recently, and it would be great if either my sister or KfW2 take notice when I tell them that I've been finding it tough due to family stuff and the lingering after effects of FP's passing. And I have been telling them this stuff, but it feels like it falls on deaf ears.

Numbers.

We're halfway through September and I'm only a few posts away from 300. It's already my busiest year on the blog and I'm set to blow the previous highest total away by a lot. I don't know why I am so post-y this year compared to the other years, especially given that I have been essentially a hermit this year, what with FP's passing last year, The Crowd growing apart and KfW2 being (deliberately) difficult to see in person.

There haven't even been too many "filler" posts where I'd post pictures of attractive women just because I was horny. There might be one soon though, cos this spell of good weather is really getting to me.

Still, even if my output drops to half of what it's been over the past few months, it's still looking like an end of year tally of around 360 posts. That's almost a post per day. And to think, when I first kicked this blog off back in 2005, that I thought I'd never have the attention span (or the will to share some of my inner thoughts) to make it last.

Weather or not.

I've been swapping messages with KfW2 while she's on holiday. She's reported that it's thirty-five degrees Centigrade where she is. I'm useless at twenty-five degrees. Thirty-five would kill me. The most I had to deal with was on holiday with FP a few years ago where it was around thirty degrees and very, very humid.

I'd take that now, you know, just for a chance to see the sun and get a few hours to chill in my garden. It's been unused space so far this year.

Plans

I have a rough date pencilled in with E to do something (pool, food, drinks, though this can change) in a few weeks. It's further away than I'd like, but she's got family stuff to do and I have work commitments that are eating up my availability. But we're pretty much meeting as soon as we can.

G's home this weekend, though we've not agreed on when we'll meet. I want it to be tomorrow night rather than our usual Sunday, but I'll take anything.

And early next week, I'm meeting Nerdy Girl to go see the new Deadpool film in the cinema. I can't remember the last time I've been to the cinema. Possibly the last John Wick film with FP? That's a while ago.