"How's the love life?"

This blog post caught my eye earlier while I was bored: Things you need to stop saying to single people on "No bad dates, just good stories". 

To be honest, I've been critical of dating blogs in the past, not specifically on here, but in conversations with others - specifically KfW2 and USHW. I've often found that dating blogs tend to be a bit Cosmo-esque with their advice pieces. This struck a chord though - a lot of them were extremely accurate. Go off and have a look at the blogger's post to see what she has to say. I've "borrowed" the ones that I hear most often with my own comments (I've left the original blogger's order in for reference).

1. "So… are you seeing anyone? How’s the love life?"

G is probably the biggest culprit here and he mainly asks on behalf of his wife. Years ago, the answer was "Same old. Not really looking, not not looking". That was my mantra since my early twenties. Now the answer is "Same old..." then let it trail off. Why trail off? Because if I don't, I end up in a conversation where a lot of the following questions and comments come up.

Of course, it's partly my fault. I could take a simple step and use this as an opportunity to voice my unhappiness, but it's only really G and KfW2 who ask... and KfW2 knows my relationship status, she simply doesn't like me being in a funk. G, living in London, is not really in a position to offer any real help, so I don't bother opening up.

3. “Have you tried online dating?”

Unless someone specifically asks, I don't tend to admit to it. It's not the stigma that was once attached to it, it's my success rate that stops me from admitting anything...

"Have you tried online dating?"
"Yes. Yes I have."

"What happened? Any luck?"

"Well, long story short... over half a dozen different memberships across three or four sites where I've messaged well in excess of three hundred women, I managed to get a handful of replies that led to exactly one date."

"You must be doing something wrong!"

"I've explored as many possibilities as I can. I've tried all the advice I can find online. I've had serious profiles, flippant ones, silly ones, long ones, short ones, blank ones. I've tried as many different combinations in opening messages, all included a question, where possible, directly related to their own profiles to show I was paying attention and not spamming people. All my memberships had photos as well."

"..."

"And despite living in modern times, online dating is simply an extension of the real world. Women tend not to make the first move."

4. “The right person will come along when you least expect it.”

"Do you remember what I used to say when you asked about my dating? 'Not really looking, not not looking'? I've tried the 'laissez faire' attitude. It's not exactly paying dividends."

KfW2 has, unfortunately, used this as recently as a few weeks ago.

6. “I think you’re just not putting yourself out there enough.”

Of all the things to say, this is probably the one that's most accurate. When out socially, with GM or S, for example, we tend to be very insular. Chat and banter amongst ourselves. I rarely notice people who're not in our group. Add to the fact that while I'm a lot more confident in myself than I was in my late 20s, I'm still incredibly shy and speaking to new people can be very stressful for me (never mind actually trying to approach someone 'cold' with a view to chatting them up).

7. “Perhaps you’re being too picky.”

Am I? Perhaps I am, perhaps I'm not. Personally, my opinion has always been that I am attracted to whomever I'm attracted to. It's easy to be dismissive online, looking at a profile picture and a couple of lines of standard text ("I like going out but sometimes curling up on the sofa with a glass of red wine"). I also know that seeing the same people in real life can often have a different outcome - I've seen and spoken to a couple of women that I'd not really been that interested in when I saw their profiles on Tinder or PoF. Even DSC, while not being romantically interesting, was interesting enough to get to know socially.

8. “I don’t even know why you’re single, you’re such a catch.”

OK, that's nice of you to say, but if I were such a catch, why don't you invite your available, cute friends out so we can see if we hit it off? I don't do blind dates, but I'll meet the people you bring out.

You can look back at the posts I've made over the years about the perceived lack of effort my friends have put in from AM twenty years ago to both CH and KfW2 more recently. They've talked the talk, but no-one has ever come up with the goods.

To be honest, having trawled through my female friends Facebook pages, there aren't an awful lot of friends of friends that would immediately stand out - MMBF and CB being the exceptions... and possibly an old university friends of my sister's.

10. “I really miss being single.”

"I really miss being with someone. Are we even now?"

Grin.

I was in playful form at the weekend, enjoying my sister's hospitality and a few sports results. As I went to fetch another beer, I noticed my eldest nephew was chatting to some of his friends via Kinect in the warm up to some gaming.

I burst into the room, my t-shirt pulled above my head.

"Who wants to see my belly?" I shouted.

My two youngest nephew and niece laughed uncontrollably. The eldest, however, walked out of the room.

I returned to the sofa and continued watching TV. About thirty minutes later, my brother-in-law marched into the room with eldest nephew in tow. Eldest nephew had something to say to me, but he wouldn't spit it out. After about five minutes of cajolling from his dad (who had been told the problem), he eventually admitted that he was annoyed that I'd showed him up in front of his mates... that they were laughing at him.

I don't believe that they were - they were laughing at me playing the clown, but he's always been overly sensitive. However, I gave my apology and that was that.

In itself, it's not really worth posting about... but it's a good parallel with CH. I've done or said something that she's unhappy with. She's told KfW2 some of the detail, but won't tell me directly.

So, in all honesty, I can actually say that CH is acting like a 10 year old.

What's up?

I was in contact with KfW2 a few days ago over IM. At the end of the day, I sent quick message.

"Away home. Talk to you tomorrow."

Straight away, before I could log off, she quickly replied.

"You sound fed up."

I admitted that I was, that it had nothing to do with work. She asked me to elaborate.

"House stuff and the usual stuff really"

"Which is?"

"Loneliness is the main one, but it's hard to single any one thing out. It's all intertwined."

KfW2 spoke about the house stuff (she's going through similar herself, then sent another message:

"As for the lonely thing, I was going to say how can you be lonely cos you're never in, but I understand what you mean... It's nothing to do with having people to go drinking with all the time, its to do with having someone there to be with."

"Yes, someone there to be with, to be able to rely on etc."

The conversation halted there, mainly because I had to leave. I thanked her for understanding and I promised to pick it up the next day. We didn't, but that was because work got in the way. KfW2 did ask, first thing the next morning if we could continue the chat, but I was mentoring a colleague. I will try and pick up again soon, because there was stuff left unsaid...

For example, it's nice to have people there when you go through a rough patch... and I know I have people that I can talk to, but I'm not anyone's priority and that's what provokes the loneliness, I think. Also the prolonged loneliness was the main reason in trying to chat to CH earlier in the year (people being unreliable hurts/annoys more when you're lonely) and to have her over-react in the way she did when I tried to address that hasn't helped.

I'm kinda in limbo at the moment. The housing thing, which should have been resolved within the next week could take another few weeks yet to get sorted, or it could all fall apart. It's on a knife edge right now and I'm waiting to hear from the decision makers on what my options are. I've moved out of my old place and am staying with family, but I can't settle. I need my own place.

I was touched, but also a little frustrated, by KfW2's empathy. It only took two sentences over IM for her to figure out that something was wrong though admittedly, she hasn't realised that the funk's been ongoing for a long time, but she's noticed more than anyone else I spend time with.