Sports Girl made an appearance on my Facebook feed earlier. She was commenting on someone who was posting that they had the Covid vaccine. She disapproves. Perhaps that's not unsurprising given some of her beliefs. But still... it was quite strange to see it in writing.
Sports Girl is an anti-vaxxer. Bloody hell.
Today was a pretty good day, all being told. Probably the most productive I've had in some time.
I got my work thing out of the way. It wasn't difficult, but it was unnecessary and a waste of my time. Saying that, the work leading up to today was pretty tough both in terms of knowledge required, time taken and other stuff. So that's now out of the way.
I managed to get booked in for the Covid vaccine too, in a few weeks. If all goes well, I should have the second dose before the start of July, so if things start to get back to normal over the summer, I should be covered.
Work have informed me that, when we do re-open the office, that I can work from home. I kinda already had that - our place can be quite good that way - but the confirmation was nice to have. No doubt I'll have to have a chat with my boss about it over the next few days.
And to cap it all, I got out on the bike today. It was the first time I've been on the bike since last summer, so I only did about 3.5 miles to make sure everything still worked, but I already have that "I've done some exercise and it hurts in a good way" feeling.
"Tit Monday?"
A message in the Whatsapp chat I have going with The Crowd. The weather here has been very good for the past few days and today has been the warmest day of the year by far.
The message wasn't sent by FC, or S or GM... it was sent by Mrs FC.
Thinking about it, she's usually the first to ask. Take what you will from that.
Right, so I am back on a fitness and weight loss journey. We'll start by calorie counting my food intake and monitor my hydration, then we'll move onto other things like increasing the exercise levels and actively watching my weight.
I've said before that I don't like calorie counting, but that's not strictly true. As long as the information is there and easily available, then I can log it. It becomes an issue when I am cooking. Then the figures tend to become more of an approximation as I eyeball some measurements and make adjustments to recipes on the fly.
But let's not get bogged down in this. I have enough ready meals in the fridge to cover lunch and dinner for a week, and an 1800 calorie goal should see some weight loss. I do need to get into this habit though.
While I wouldn't say that I was close with any of my immediate family, I do know that they love me. However, when I was growing up, I don't recall getting a slot of support from my parents. I was given opportunities when I became interested in something (music, sport etc), but while I was pushed academically, I don't recall being encouraged or supported for anything else.
A few years ago, it transpired that my Dad had spent plenty of time at my schools, talking to my teachers about my performance, asking for extra homework etc. I knew of some of these visits, but not the extent of them.
Even from an early age, I was naturally talented at sports like basketball or football and good enough to get into the school teams for those sports, but it seemed that I taught myself... practiced by myself. When other parents came to watch their kids regularly, I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times my Dad came to watch me play football.
I often wonder if that has anything to do with my general lack of confidence in myself - the shyness and social anxiety and imposter syndrome at work. I know that there have been times where I have done something really good - at work, in sports, in music (back when I played an instrument), but without actual encouragement, compliments, recognition etc. it's all seemed a bit empty and the achievements somewhat tarnished.
So, yeah, guess what kinda of mood I've been in today?
Over the past few weeks, I've been tasked with putting together a project for our training department. It's supposedly meant to showcase what we've been self-learning for the past few months, but while I've gotten about three quarters of it completed, the last piece has been almost impossible to figure out.
I love learning new things, but I hate learning against the clock, and reading numerous websites to try and help me figure out a solution against a deadline when I have other work priorities is doing nothing but stress me out and cause me concern. I really feel like the past year has taken its toll on me mentally and learning new stuff and retaining the knowledge seems so much more difficult now than it use to when I was younger.
Thankfully, I think it's sorted now, and the presentation for it is next week, so once that is over, that's one less thing to be concerned about.
I probably should take some time off work and recharge, but it seems kinda pointless to do that and sit in the house because the lockdown means I can't go anywhere. I think that's been a big part of the problem over the past year - sitting in front of my PC or the TV on my time off isn't helping because those places are now where I do work, so I'm not recharging.
Arguably I need to get out of the city. Go somewhere foreign or visit friends, but that's months away yet.
I had a dream. My first in some time, actually, as I've been sleeping really well recently. In it, the pandemic had ended and we were all allowed out again, to socialise.
Unsurprisingly, FP and I were in CB Bar where were were joined unexpectedly by KfW2. We adjourned to a table, drank and had lots of fun. In the middle of the evening, who should approach us but MFF and OK. They were out, doing the same as us, catching up with friends.
"We're finishing dinner, we'll come over once we're done" said OK. MFF had a gleam in her eye.
A short while later, MFF and OK did indeed come over to join us, and who was with them? CB.
And so began the introduction that, in real life, I'd been desperate to get all those years ago. We started talking and she turned out to be everything I'd want in a partner: intelligent, funny, independent etc. In the dream, I spent a long time trying to figure out CB's relationship status, but she, OK and MFF were not giving anything away.
I woke before any kind of resolution.
Frustrated. Disappointed.
"Are you available tonight for drilling?"
Nope, not a booty call from CC but actual DIY. She's in the process of moving into her new place (literally seconds away from FC/Mrs FC and QC1/Mr QC1) and putting a few things right. In this case, it's curtains.
"I can supple the drill, but you're doing the drilling" I replied.
"OK" came the response.
CC has asked me to drill for her before, and I've always refused. She can borrow anything she likes, but I know that once I do one thing for her, then it's another... and another. And I've already mentioned here, dear Reader, that she is incredibly high maintenance. I get nothing in return. I don't even know why we're friends.
I wasn't that surprised when, about half an hour later, she pinged me again.
"I've got Johnny to help me out. It's a two person job."
Weird. I was always going to help her. At no point did I say I wouldn't help, I just wasn't going to do all the work. CC needs to learn how to do this shit by herself. While I can hang curtain rails by myself, it is easier with a second set of eyes and hands.
Ah well. At least I don't have to worry about being lectured and talked at.
After seeing The Older Woman at the weekend and the reminiscing about her done during the composition of yesterday's post, I have been frustrated by a number of things: not remembering her name, not being able to pin down when we briefly dated (I think it might have been after CAB, but I can't be certain). I can't remember why we stopped dating. I hesitate to say "we broke up" because we were nowhere near getting to that, but still. Was it the age difference? The maturity difference? Was it because I still lived at home in my early 20s? I genuinely can't remember, and that's a pattern I've been seeing a lot recently.
Years ago, I did some volunteering in my spare time. It started off as something I was doing for my Duke of Edinburgh award, but I enjoyed it that much that I continued to do it long after my obligation was over. It was at this volunteering that a few people commented on E3 and myself.
Typically, I'd have conversations with people that would tend to go something like this:
"Are you two dating?"
"No, we're just friends from school"
"I think you should go on a date. You look good together."
One of the main contributors to this was a girl whose name I can't remember. She was a staff member at the place where I volunteered. We would banter off each other and I thought there might have been a bit of chemistry there. She was definitely attractive, brunette, great figure and had a wicked sense of humour. There was a running joke about her constantly going on dates.
There was another girl, from a completely different school - a stunning blonde - who was also volunteering at the same time. She too asked the questions about me and E3. However, she also asked the same questions about me and the brunette staff member.
Saying that, I was around 18 at the time. She (the brunette staff member) would have been about 22. I was in my last year of school, she'd been working in the real world for a while. Even if I had made a move, I would have been hopelessly out of my depth in terms of maturity, mentally and emotionally.
Fast forward a few years. I'm at a pub quiz, for a charity whose identity has been lost in the mists of time. As it happens, we're doing quite well, both in the quiz itself and some of the raffles. I can see a girl sitting at the side, who seems to be paying close attention to me. She seems vaguely familiar, but I cannot place her. It's frustrating because I have a good memory for faces.
Someone came back from the bar. Was it G? It might have been G, or BW.
"A girl at the bar asked me if you went to..." he named our school.
"Ah." I nodded. The penny had dropped. I explained to those with me how I thought I knew this girl, and how she tied in with the blonde girl. Of course, they all remembered the blonde girl, who we used to bump into during our frequent pub visits. I made sure that I went to the bar next.
As I had hoped, when I went to the bar, the brunette girl approached. Now that I saw her up close, it was definitely the same girl, and she was still attractive. We chatted as the barman poured my drinks. She asked after E3 and the blonde girl. I'd lost contact with them both at that stage. The barman arrived with my drinks and I paid him.
"We should go for a drink sometime," I suggested.
The brunette agreed, though I didn't sense that she was actually that excited about it.
"I need to get these back to the guys. Give me a shout." I told her my number.
"I'll never remember that," she laughed.
I went back to the table. Everyone was interested in what we chatted about. I explained. I also admitted that I'd given her my number.
"She'll never use it," someone suggested. "You shoulda gotten hers!"
I was more than a little tipsy at this stage and quite proud of myself for at least giving someone my number and being somewhat pro-active about it, so I wasn't too bothered. Towards the end of the evening, I saw her party gather their coats. They looked like they were leaving. Brunette girl was the last to leave. She beckoned me over and handed me a piece of paper.
"I can't remember your number. Here's mine." And off she went.
I phoned her a few days later and we did meet for a drink, that turned into a date, that turned into another date. We did get physical, though things kinda drifted apart shortly after that. I was keen to take it further, but she wasn't, though I can't remember why, or even if I got a reason.
I had completely forgotten about this girl. However, now that I've posted about her, guess who I think I saw over the weekend?
I met with Nerdy Girl last night for a socially distanced outside walk. The last time we'd met, I think we'd done over 6 miles and boy did I suffer for it - aches and pains and blisters. The latter was, mostly I presume, due to my choice of footwear. Last night's choice of footwear was different. I'd hoped better, but I wouldn't know. Most of my footwear is fine for day-to-day use, but seemingly doesn't like it when I suddenly do something a bit more intense... like 6 mile walks with Nerdy Girl.
Last night, there was a different issue: my back. By the time we'd gotten roughly to our halfway place, I needed to sit down. My back was killing me. My feet, though, seemed OK. So we chatted for 20 mins or so and returned. This walk wouldn't be the 6 miler that we'd done previously, but it wouldn't be far off it.
We parted ways at the point where we'd met and I returned home, via Tesco. I was aching all over. It might have been due to the pace - we certainly seemed to be covering the ground quite fast. And what was that? A blister maybe? Well, at least my feet felt better than they did the previous time. 1 blister is an improvement on the 4 or so from before.
And this morning, I have a twinge in my back. But the other aches and pains have been replaced by that feeling you get after exercising. A stiffness and slight ache, but in a good way.
And the blister.
Today has very definitely been a funk day. It's the worst I've felt in some time, if I am being honest. I've been extremely low energy, feeling very pessimistic and sorry for myself (and believe it or not, I don't often feel sorry for myself). I think most of it is borne of the pandemic and the lockdown, and the loneliness and a desire for companionship is really at the core of it.
Certainly the whole "being single" thing has definitely been a factor in today's mood. It's almost like I've been craving that feeling that you get when you meet someone new, that you're attracted to and it might go somewhere. It's been years since I had that feeling. It could be as far back as RB for the last time I felt that, and that was a lifetime ago. Obviously there have been crushes since then, but nothing that ever looked as if it would develop into something. But the early days of FA2, CAB etc, that's what's been at the forefront of my mind today.
Also, as mentioned a few days ago, there is some work stuff going on that's causing some stress as well. I think the weather, and winter in general, are getting to me (I think I've posted recently about wanting to travel somewhere sunny and warm for a change of scenery and pace).
So, all-in-all, my batteries are drained.
It's a year to the day when I last met FP for a few pints in a pub. Barring one socially distanced walk with Nerdy Girl, I've not seen any non-family member in months.
I'm meeting Nerdy Girl for a walk tomorrow, which will at least be some exercise and a bit of socialising, and as much as I think NG is great, I miss FP and KfW2 (and The Crowd).
A Facebook memory popped up today. Yesterday, it was the four year anniversary (four years FFS) since the last time KfW2 and I had a night out, just for ourselves. And what a night it was! Food at one of the best restaurants in town, KfW2 being an hour late, drinks at a new bar with a great band, hours of great conversation and someone telling me how much I mean to them. What's not to like?
Another barely remembered dream from last night, though I do recall that it featured Brie Larson and FA2. I don't recall the FA2 aspect too much, but the Brie Larson aspect was that we were very good friends and she lived in my hometown but was looking to move house. The bits of the dream that are/were clear were that she was having issues with the move itself.
And that was pretty much it. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing sexual etc. just two friends talking, supporting each other etc.
It seems that 2021 is continuing on from where 2020 left off. The lockdown is having a real effect on my mental health. My memory seems to be appalling and new things simply aren't sticking. That's unfortunate timing because I am currently undergoing some fairly intensive re-training in work, partly off something that I've been trying to put in motion for years, and party due to some internal restructuring at work that has caused some stress and anxiety.
And I think my tinnitus is getting worse, too.
On top of that, my dad was recently diagnosed with his own memory issues that we're going to have to start managing. He's had memory issues for a few years now, but we kinda assumed it was simply an old age thing, but recently it's gotten a lot worse. He's now on medication that we hope will, at best, slow the deterioration and we supposedly did catch it early, but ultimately it's probably going to get worse and then we'll see what happens.
He has, at least, been vaccinated, so we don't have to worry (as much) about him taking off to visit friends and relatives, as he has done over the past twelve months. He does claim not to remember, but I suspect this is more to do with his stubborn streak than anything else.
Still, I have tentative plans to meet with Nerdy Girl for a socially-distanced walk this weekend. The last time we did this, it ended up being six miles and me getting quite a few blisters. There'll definitely be a change in footwear this time around.
Another dream about the same girl last night, though I can't remember the details, but she was on my mind as I woke this morning.
And it suddenly dawned on me, while I was bored in a meeting earlier today, that the scanned photos were from a party I was at, where I met, and kissed, QC1 for the first time. It was one of the last times I remember actually sitting with her and chatting, a few months after we'd all left school.
I had a dream last night, focussed on my time at school. Kinda. I was back at school, but my current age. It was a prize giving day or something and for some inexplicable reason I was lined up to do a triathlon as some kind of closing ceremony.
The competitors were due to start one-by-one, so we were lined up in a row.
But, wait. Who was that ahead of me in the queue? Only a girl that I was friends with, and had a HUGE crush on, at school.
I tapped her on her shoulder and her surprise turned to delight as she saw who it was. We chatted briefly until it was her time to start.
"Can we meet for a drink after?" I asked. It was unclear if I meant this as a platonic or a romantic encounter.
She smiled and nodded, then off she ran. That's when I woke up.
I think I've posted about this girl before. We were friends during my last years at school, I had a crush (I can't remember what happened first) though I never made a move primarily because of the friendship and my chance passed.
She disappeared soon after school (barring a few meet ups) and has, to the best of my knowledge, no social media presence. Of all the people I went to school with and currently don't have any contact, she's the one I'd like to meet the most, even though the last time we met, she seemed to be incredibly disinterested in chatting.
So this morning has been tinged a little with nostalgia. I did hunt out a few scanned photos that I had, just to add to the reminiscing.
FP and I were texting last night, chatting about sports mainly.
"I can't wait to get back to CB Bar and talk about sport with the barman" he said.
We'd had a good relationship with the barman there, often spending a Sunday night talking about the weekend's sport with the head barman.
"Just can't wait to get back into CB Bar. Putting the world to rights and having a perv at some totty" was my reply.
Cue a lot of ROFL emotes from FP.
It is true though. I'd love to get back into a pub and just do some people watching. And yes, totty.
