Sigh.

Januarys are usually shit. Performance management, a downer after Xmas and New Year (usually) and a long time since the last pay day.

I've started portion management again... or working on it at least.

But I've also had massive cravings for something sweet the past week or so, and I'm not a sweet tooth person.

So in my last online Tesco order contained a treat - some small tubs of Haagen Dasz. This stuff, in fact:

And it's yummy. I've eaten all four tubs, 24 hours after taking delivery of them. Comfort eating. January continues to be shit. Roll on February.

Dreams.

Another barely remembered dream, from last night: I'd won a decent amount of money on the lottery. Roughly £5 million and was wondering what to do with my winnings. It had been deposited into my bank account so I could look at the balance on my phone and see the money there.

I'd spoken to family, to let them know they were taken care of and was out walking with KfW2, trying to figure out how to share the news when, on separate occasions, R and Quiet Girl came up and were extremely tactile with me, but in a very clear, platonic way. Then they would chat, and go on their way.

I woke up before I got to confess my good fortune to KfW2.

However, it was one of those powerful dreams where it takes a few seconds to sink in that it was a dream, and so I was quite disappointed when it dawned on me that I wasn't worth five million pounds. Bah.

Ouch.

I went out for a walk yesterday, with Nerdy Girl. I know, there's a lockdown on, but we were outdoors and socially distant. It's the first proper exercise I've done in months. We ended up doing about 6 miles in around two hours, and I'm feeling it today. It's not stiffness or anything normally associated with exercise (though there is a little bit of that). At 3 mph, it was a comfortable walk for me, but I now have multiple blisters and the skin has rubbed off on one of my heels.

It was the DM Boots. I thought I'd done a fair bit of walking in them before, but I must be mistaken. The blisters are from the in-soles I have. I need new ones, for sure. The skin thing is another matter. Maybe they don't fit properly or I didn't tie them correctly. Regardless, I'm walking around the house very gingerly today.

I enjoyed the chat with Nerdy Girl. I normally do, but this was the first proper chat I've had with a non-family member since before Xmas. She mentioned that her company was looking for new people and did I know anyone? I did actually: Quiet Girl. I don't know if Quiet Girl is looking for a new job, but I know she'd be great for the role. I must get in touch over the weekend and ask if she at least wants to speak to Nerdy Girl.

Support your local...

 MMBF has posted on Facebook a post that I've started seeing an awful lot of since this time last year.

"Support your local..." and whatever it is people want me to support.

Now, I'd happily support MMBF as a local businesswoman (and that's not a euphemism). She has been running her own business for nearly ten years that provides a service rather than offering goods. Since the first lockdown last March, she has impressed me by introducing innovative ways to keep her business up and running and offering her services as best she can under the circumstances. Other friends and acquaintances who own their own businesses are not doing the same (and, yes, I appreciate that not everyone can make those changes).

A LOT of the local businesses that I've seen haven't done that and are trying to continue running just because they're local and deserving of my custom.

Sorry, local businesses, but that alone is not enough. Amazon (and other businesses) are getting my business because I can browse online, see stock levels, offer delivery or some kind of click and collect etc. Can you do the same?

Urgh.

A week or so ago, I recommended Whitney Cummings podcast "Good for You". She'd had some guests on - people whose work I like (Dave Grohl, Alison Brie, Bill Burr etc.) and I liked the interviews.

Her most recent guest... well, I was interested in this interview for different reasons. Amanda Knox. Remember her? Accused of murder in Italy and ultimately acquitted (massive simplification of the story). And yet, right from the start, I couldn't get into it. Cummings seemed more interested in talking about herself, interrupting her guest and generally being a pain in the ass.

I had to give up. It was far too annoying. I found other podcasts where Amanda Knox had been interviewed (check out Theo Von's podcast "This Past Weekend" episode #225). Then I went back to give Whitney's podcast another go. The comments on YouTube seemed similar to my own thoughts - a wasted opportunity, too many interruptions etc.

So disappointing.

Memories

Facebook reminded me today of two things: that it's F's birthday. She's been going through a tough time of it recently, so I must sit down later and send her a message.

It's also the 8th anniversary of the night I sat with GM and GB in the hope that I might kick off a chain of events that could see an introduction or something with CB.

It was only the second time ever that I actually reached out to friends with a view to meeting a girl (the first being AM/QC1, and that was 'safe' as I'd already kissed QC1 at a party). I'm still kinda disappointed in GB that nothing really happened despite some gentle prodding. I was delighted that GB offered to reach out to MFF, but frustrated that she didn't seem to do anything after that.

I was (and still am) very conscious about pushing too hard or even admitting how much I was interested in meeting CB. Maybe I should have admitted that I'd seen her on the online dating sites and this wasn't just off the back of a glimpse in the pub on NYE?

Still... water under the bridge now.

Yearning.

I don't know if it was a dream, or if it was simply on my mind this morning, but I awoke just wanting to wrap myself around someone. I think I've posted about it before, but it reminded me of a night I'd spent with FBS, and we'd spent a large part of the next day just lounging in bed, wrapped around each other, chatting, cuddling. It would have been around this time of year, too.

And it was that kind of thing that I was desiring this morning... not with FBS per se... just the general thing.

It's been difficult getting out of bed since I went back to work after the Christmas holidays. Some companionship would be nice.

Talking.

A few months back, I found Whitney Cummings and enjoyed her shows on, I think, Netflix. I had thought I'd posted about it, but I can't find any reference to it on the blog. She also has a podcast that I've been watching on YouTube, featuring some interesting people like Dave Grohl, Bill Burr and Blog favourite Alison Brie.

So, before we get to the post payoff, I do want to recommend Whitney Cummings stuff, both the stand-up and the blog.

Anyhoo, I've just finished watching an episode of the blog with Olivia Munn, and it made me realise that I've not had a proper conversation with my friends like FP or KfW2 and I miss just sitting with them (probably KfW2 at her house, FP at the pub) and talking.

Picture this.

S updated his profile picture this morning. It's a picture of him and a girl that I presume is his girlfriend. It was the same girl that he was dating this time last year, who split up with him in the summer, who I'd seen on Tinder.

They must be back together, and they must be serious because S has never posted a picture of him and a girlfriend before. In fact, pretty much all of S's profile pics on Facebook are of him and a friend of his. His unrequited love. I think I've posted about her before.

I wonder what the story is there...

Goals (2021 version)

There's a lot to look forward to in 2021 - specifically everything around getting vaccinated and being able to go out and socialise again. I can't wait for the summer, to have people round for BBQs, to meet KfW2 for our long-awaited adult night or day out, to sit in a pub with FP and just people watch over a few pints.

2020 played havoc with my mental health. As I posted about recently, I have missed socialising and being out and about, despite being an introvert. I have found myself getting lazier, less inclined to leave the house. That's exacerbated the loneliness. I've also been trying to plan out some work that I want done to the house (and can now afford), but I am getting overwhelmed with what needs done. Bearing in mind that, for some reason, I simply can't get people to come and quote me for work (this isn't a pandemic thing - this has been an issue since I moved in), then I also can't get a professional's advice.

Professionally, I had a GREAT year and I'm hoping to see that reflected in a promotion and/or pay rise when that all rolls round in a month or so. It was stressful too - I had a lot on, but I accomplished loads and my work was seen by many managers. I do have issues with my immediate manager taking credit for some good stuff I've done though. I can't prove that he's done it, but the lack of gratitude from senior management in my direction does leave me a little uneasy.

This year though, I'm not looking forward to work. Brusque Guy is back, having been in another team for the past year or so. I don't know why he's re-joining us - it was his choice to leave for a new opportunity and the manager helped make that happen. I like him, personally, I just don't like working with him. I feel the atmosphere in the team was better without him, even if the team was just me and Stalky Guy. There are other things in play that are going to be stressful, too. It could end up being extremely rewarding - learning new skills etc. but I have strong imposter syndrome, and even though this new training is my idea, I like the fact that I am an expert in my current team and am seen as being knowledgeable.

Back to work tomorrow after a week off, but because I've done nothing nor really left the house beyond going to my sister's for Xmas, I don't feel like I've recharged my batteries and I'm really not looking forward to it.

Taking all that into consideration, I only really have one goal for this year (it seems pointless making other plans until we see how the pandemic turns out - meeting new people, travel etc. is still impossible right now) and that's weight loss. Specifically by the end of June. I've not done the numbers nor stepped on a scale since, I dunno, November maybe? But I'm probably looking at something around an average of 2 lbs per week. That's a big ask over a long period of time.

Just random internet stuff.

The title of the question was "who was your weird childhood crush?" I'd had a similar conversation with USHW years ago, and I was not really that surprised at how many people were on my teenage "crush list." I was struggling to think of anyone who would fall into the first list, though. That took me down a rabbit hole where I went through a synopsis of every episode of "Press Gang", a programme I loved as a kid with two of my teenage crushes: Julia Sawalha and Gabrielle Anwar.

And I'm pretty sure that I've posted before about Julia Sawalha's current resemblance to CH.

But I still can't think of a "weird" childhood crush.

Booze, glorious booze!

I don't really do hangovers. As a general rule, that is. And when I do, they're far more mild than other people would suffer e.g. S or KfW2.

You might think that sitting in on my own on New Year's Eve would curb the old boozing, especially when I'm not a particularly big solo/house drinker, but I got stuck into some spiced rum and surprisingly it went down a treat.

It was after 1 AM by the time I took myself off to bed, and it was near 11 AM this morning when I finally dragged my ass out of bed. I was hungover, but I did have a somewhat muggy head. When I went into the kitchen to make a coffee, the reason became clear - I'd gone through about two thirds of a bottle of rum. Yikes.

Dreams

Following on from this post yesterday, I had a similar dream last night, though this one definitely featured QC2 and KfW2. It did feature pretty much all the same tones as the past few nights: travel, friendship etc. and the semi-unidentified women were replaced with women who were very definitely those mentioned above.

It seemed that when KfW2 was the focus, then the tone of the dream was platonic. When QC2 was the focus, then it turned more romantic.

I blame the large quantities of rum that I had last night.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, dear reader. 

So, here we are. 2021, at last, after easily the worst year in living memory for a lot of people.

Here's to this year being better, for us all.