Analysis

This year has seen somewhat of a posting frenzy on BNANPOF. My second all-time number of posts in a single year in thirteen years of blogging.

It seems that some of the core issues that started me blogging in 2005 are still present now. Being single and a desire to be healthier are certainly still forefront in my mind. I still find it therapeutic to rant/analyse/get stuff off my chest, even if interaction with my readers is almost nothing.

Some other issues - my living circumstances and professional circumstances have evolved. I'm in a better place on both counts, but they're not without their own issues.

To be honest, I never thought I would have still been posting after thirteen months, never mind thirteen years.

Getting back to post counts - interestingly, the two biggest years so far have corresponded to women - RB and CB. Well, I don't know if they're responsible per se for the high post counts, but in both years 2008 and 2013, the respective women would have been the focus of a good number of posts as they were on my mind a lot, even only briefly.

That hasn't been the case this year. No significant new females have appeared on my radar.

This month has been my all-time top month for posting - averaging over a post a day. The closest I've come to this was July 2008 (and RB).

Ah well... let's hope that 2018 brings an upgrade to the romantic and health aspects, eh?

FFS

And now SG has just sent a message asking where we're going tonight.

Two days ago, no-one was coming out as they'd all made arrangements or had commitments. GM especially had specifically said he wasn't going to come out. I'd assumed that he and SG would spend the evening together. I'd not expect my girlfriend to go out on NYE if I were in the house.

I've replied, saying that I thought no-one was out and that I'd already made arrangements to go to my sis's (a lie). I could change my mind, but I'm going to treat myself to a Chinese takeaway tonight and I doubt I'll feel any more energetic with a belly food of tasty food.

Part of me does want to go out. I've complained often enough about  NYE to not consider it and I could probably talk GM and SG into coming to my side of the town, to my favourite (local) bar.

But I hit the sauce fairly hard last night under the assumption that tonight, I'd be sitting in the house, watching TV and playing video games. While I'm not hungover, I am tired and lazy and lethargic and I often find it difficult to break that mindset once I'm in it.

Will I regret this decision near midnight when I could have been out with SG and GM? Maybe.

Hmmm...

Temptation.

"Oh right. I’d offer to act as substitute but I just got roped into babysitting as I’m not going out anyway."

We were having a conversation an hour or so ago about New Year's Eve. IG had offered her services as a substitute in light of me explaining that I quite enjoyed going out on NYE but that this year, everyone had alternative plans. She doesn't seem to like NYE herself though: "It’s the biggest and most anti-climactic night of the year."

My first thought wasn't about going to the pub, but rather back to IG's booty call messages from a while ago. Seeing as I'm in need of The Cure and going through the longest dry spell in the world, there is an ongoing temptation to take her up on her offer.

But I know that it wouldn't work. While IG is pretty enough, ultimately she's not causing any stimulation of the nether regions. If she thinks NYE is anti-climactic at the best of times, trying to have sex with me isn't going to change that outlook.

Groan.

With tonight looking like it's going to be a washout, and with having the cold over the Christmas period, I was very much looking forward to meeting FP and his wife last night. We were heading to one of my favourite bars to see one of my favourite local bands.

As a bonus, BW had messaged me on Facebook asking if I wanted his tickets. He'd planned on attending, but there was a last-minute change of plans and they were going spare.

Somewhat out of the ordinary, I was scanning the room while talking to FP. I don't usually - if I'm out with people, they get my full attention.

In the bar before the gig, there was a very cute blonde girl. She reminded me a little of a cross between QC1 and Ellie Harrison off the telly (pictured below). Despite the somewhat early time (it was a little after 8 PM when FP and I met - his missus couldn't attend), she was exceedingly drunk and pouring more Jaeger Bombs down her neck as I watched.

When we got into the gig itself, we sat beside a group of people who seemed to be with the band. There was one girl that intrigued me - a dark, bob haircut, backless top with a tattoo right between her shoulder blades. Dark hair? Short hair? Backless top? Tattoo? All of these can be a turn-on if done correctly.

However, it was soon apparent that she was involved with the guitarist, and that didn't really matter because, from the front, she wasn't really doing it for me anyway.

Even though the gig venue was, at best, half full, I still enjoyed myself. The band were great, as always. They've always packed out this venue before, so the empty seats were a real puzzle. Maybe the night before New Year's Eve isn't a great idea?

However, this morning, after last night's indulgences with a lingering albeit hazy memory of the blonde girl and backless tops and tattoos and dark bob haircuts, I awoke in need of The Cure.

To do...

In a few days, I'll be back to work after nearly two weeks off. In that two weeks, I have accomplished pretty much bugger all. It doesn't bother me now, but it will once I return to work.

There are quite a few things around the house that I want to do, that have been on my list for some time - just little things to keep the whole House Project moving along. For example, clear the loft of the crap that was left behind. Or pull out some weeds in the back garden.

There was nothing urgent, nothing expensive, nothing beyond me. All I needed was time (a couple of hours per task)  and energy.

The illness, while certainly not debilitating, didn't help with motivation, and neither did my usual Christmas mood.

I should sit down and pencil these small tasks in for the New Year though.

Countdown...

At some point on New Year's Day, I'm going to be stepping on the scales to see what the size of my challenge will be in 2018. I know that I'm heavier than last year - the tightness of my suit at my Xmas dinner doesn't lie, but by how much?

Whatever it is, it'll be the heaviest I've ever been.

The exercise portion of what I need to do is pretty much taken care of - yoga and Bodyweight Freeletics. If I'm lucky, then some other stuff that FP mentioned as well. I have some weights at hand as well, but with DDP and Freeletics, I shouldn't need them.

I'm still not 100% convinced that my shoulder has healed, but I need to start somewhere.

The hard part is the dietary portion. I love food, me. I know that I should give up bread and crisps (crisps are easily my biggest vice), but that adjustment will be the more difficult aspect. Eat less, more frequently.

It's just a preparation and willpower thing.

And so it begins...

So, as I said to SG, once Christmas was over, then we'd get around to finalising our NYE plans. With that in mind, I threw it out there to the Whatsapp group.

• S is going to his friend's house.
• FC and Mrs FC are going home for the New Year.
• GM is working.
• SG hasn't said anything (yet?)

Looks like it could be a quiet night in on NYE for the first time in years. Not really the end/start to the year I was hoping for.

It'll be interesting if GM says anything - after all, he knows about my loneliness in general around this time of year. In past years, I've made no secret of the fact that I don't want to be on my own on NYE, hence doing all the arranging.

SG's quietness is very telling - she was the one pushing me to arrange NYE prior to Christmas. You would have thought, at the very least, that she'd have sent a message separately, but no.

Cheers.

It was late afternoon by the time I arrived at my sister's. The imminent cold is still imminent. The symptoms haven't gotten any better or worse, but are still hanging around being annoying.

I'm not going to say that I didn't have a good time, but I felt out of it somewhat - a combination of not feeling 100% and the conversation(s) passing me by.

Still, some good food, some good drink and back home without too much over-indulging and feeling the poorer for it today.

Pondering.

In order to fend off the nearly-cold that's been pestering me for a couple of days, I got pretty toasted at my sister's on Christmas Day. I say "fend off", but really what I mean was "get drunk so the symptoms don't bother me for a while".

Out of the blue, in the middle of the afternoon, Ideas Girl started messaging me. I thought it was weird. We're not close. Friendly, yes, but I can think of a fair few people who would cross my mind to get in contact with on Christmas Day. Maybe it goes back to the implied booty call from a month or so ago?

Given how I'm currently feeling, I internally questioned whether or not turning down her advances was a good thing. I was undecided.

Today is a different matter. It was still the right thing to do, I think.

Groo.

So, Christmas is over for another year. I still have to go to my sister's this afternoon, but the family's been ill over the past few days. There's a bug going through my sister's house which wiped out my niece and brother-in-law, I'm currently fighting off what could be the cold - I've had early symptoms for about three days, but it's not moving into the next phase and is just being annoying.

So, while Christmas Day wasn't as bad as I'd expected, it was very low key.

I don't know if I want to go to my sister's later. A lack of sleep plus this nearly-cold means that I feel rubbish today. Personally speaking, I think they should hold off on today's arrangements until everyone is feeling better, but I doubt they will.

A bath or shower later might help, but if I do go up, it'll be a late appearance and I'll be dosed with drugs and vitamins. If nothing else, I want to feel better to enjoy the rest of my holiday period.

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Happy Christmas Everyone!

Sadly Santa never left Alison Brie or Jessica Alba in my stocking (or even anyone IRL), so here's a picture or two to compensate.

FFS!

I thought I had it all sorted this year. I had present ideas sorted weeks ago, apart from a couple where I got some ideas off my brother-in-law.

For my Dad, I was going to get him a subscription to a website for his hobby - he's massively into it and he'd put it to good use. It's expensive, but for him it would be value for money.

Except, I can't buy him a gift subscription in the UK.

I can buy him one through the US site, but it's 50% more expensive and could be useless.

This isn't called out anywhere on the UK site that I can find - I spent two hours yesterday and today trying to find these details to no avail but stumbled across the American site almost by accident earlier where they say the US site is the only place you can buy gift subscriptions.

Looks like he's going to have to get vouchers from somewhere now.

I fucking hate Christmas.

Season's something.

The trip to the cinema with GM never happened. Nor was there ever any contact after last week's text conversation. I've not really been able to shake the funk despite some social interaction this week, with FP and some work colleagues.

It's not simply romantic loneliness, though that is undoubtedly a fair portion of it.

There are very few people in this world who know me and that is mostly my fault for not opening up to people.

FP, USHW, KfW2 are all people who know me better than anyone else. My family have never been close. My sister has flashes of insight, but we don't really talk about personal things.

From my past, you could add  AM, FA2, QC1 and QC2 to that list, though they essentially disappeared from my life.

So, yes, I need to start being more open with people voluntarily. Note the "voluntarily" bit. I'll answer any question asked of me, pretty much, but I don't know how to talk to people about my personal life. Even admitting to KfW2 last week about my current funk was difficult and I know she's not judgemental or anything.

It's more than people knowing me - it's the emotional support from close friends, romantic partners etc. Coming home from work after dealing with my idiot boss, for example, would enable me to rant or share rather than sit on my own, often over-thinking things.

I know I'll feel better in a few days' time. Christmas isn't a good time for me generally - I simply don't like it - and once I get all the family commitments out of the way, the presents are exchanged etc. then I can suit myself and hopefully make some personal arrangements.

I already have a couple of fun things to look forward to, with another to be confirmed.

Pinting and planning

While FP and I were throwing pints down ourselves last night, the subject of chat turned to weight loss and exercise.

We're both heavier and unfitter than we should be - FP by some considerable margin. However, he's already started doing the 5:2 diet and lost around half a stone (7lbs). That's impressive. I looked into the 5:2 diet, but I don't know if I have the willpower for it.

I explained my Yoga and Freeletics plan and how I'd lost nearly a stone just doing the Yoga and quitting bread and crisps a few years ago.

So we agreed that we'd try other things. FP suggested hill walking as one thing. I don't know if I'm madly keen on the idea, but it would get me out of the house. The problem with planning things with FP is that he works shifts and it's difficult to organise in advance.

But I think having a regular partner might help. CC would have been good had she not insisted that I organise everything. I've complained before that CC is like having a girlfriend without any of the benefits. As it stands, when I refused, she made her own arrangements and it seems to be doing her some good.

January will be tough because of work things - performance reviews and stuff. Exercise is something to look forward to, something to plan and work towards.

Groo.

Off the back of this post, KfW2 had suggested I visit her today. That's been cancelled - she came down with illness on Tuesday and has been getting worse all week.

Initially, she was adamant that I'd still go, but I was having none of it. KfW2 is a trooper. Unlike me, she will just get on with it, so for her to actually be bed-ridden for three days is almost unheard of. At least, in the eight years or so that I've known her, I can't recall her being ill like this. I don't care what she says - she needs the rest to get better without having to worry about guests, getting the house tidy etc.

It's a blessing in disguise. I was in the pub for near 12 hours yesterday and while I wasn't horrendously drunk, it was more than tipsy and a quiet day at work and chilling this afternoon was definitely more beneficial than running around after three infants.

The added bonus is that I get to watch the footy tonight (my team is playing). Typical man, eh?

Maybe we'll get something sorted after Xmas and it might even be an adult day out - dinner and drinks or something. I'd definitely like that.

Centric.

When CH and I fell out (or rather CH stopped talking to me), it was because I had criticised her. The first shot fired was her reliability. I say "shot", but really I don't think I was *that* blunt. 90% of the time, she'd agree to do something social then cry off with a day or so to go, often with the flimsiest of excuses.

When we did have a chat about it, it was also suggested that everything revolved around her or was done the way she wanted. Numerous times, for example, I tried to get her for a coffee to chat about something personal only for CH to turn up with MFF or OK in tow. On the flip side, social engagements that CH had a say in were rarely cancelled.

This was why I'd been critical. Having to constantly work around someone, regardless of the chemistry or trust, is not a friendship.

So, it was interesting to see what was going to happen when CH sneaked in to our Xmas party. After all, this was something she counter-suggested when I suggested buying her a birthday drink a few months ago.

Well, let's put it this way... I didn't hear from her. Neither did KfW2. Neither did GB. Three people that she was close to at one time and was supposedly looking forward to meeting.

I'd left the party early due to a funk, so I've no idea if she made any effort to hunt me out. The lack of text message asking my whereabouts would suggest not, though. As would KfW2 and GB's lack of contact.

As usual, it was all about CH.

Self examination.

I've always wondered why I feel more lonely at this time of year than at any other. Christmas has never been an important time of the year for me, or my family really, until my sister had kids. The only time I've been in a proper relationship over Christmas was when I was with FA2. My brief dalliance with FBS started around this time of year, too, though that hardly counts. However, to be honest, the only Christmas FA2 and I were together, she wasn't around for it. I'm not complaining about her going to her parents or anything - it's not like we were living together where that might be a valid complaint. She actively left the country to spend time with her parents and extended family in the States.

Any time there was criticism from FA2 about my commitment to the relationship (this was pretty much the only time we ever argued), I only ever had two counter arguments:

1) Actions speak louder than words and if she had any doubts to my commitment or feelings for her, my actions should be perfectly clear even if I didn't express it verbally as much as I should
2) She was the one who took herself 3000 miles away at a time of the year where loved ones were supposed to be important.

We'd already spoken about it before and after she went. I'd said at the time that I was disappointed that she'd gone (though glad she was back for NYE). We'd been officially dating for 8 months at that stage and unofficially on and off for another three prior to that. She made it clear that her family would always take precedence.

"Even if it's just for a holiday?"

She had no answer, but in reality, I knew the decision wasn't even hers, even if she didn't realise it herself. Her mother called the shots and she had decided FA2 was going to America to see her family. I don't even think that her mother liked me that much. So, FA2 wasn't going to go against her mother.

I kinda got side-tracked there. As I said, Christmas has never been important, so I'm at a loss as to why I feel more lonely at this time of year than at any other.

Good for the soul.

I've admitted my current poor form to both GM and KfW2. GM last night, and KfW2 this morning. I also explained to KfW2 that it was an influential factor in my early departure from the Christmas party. GM gave a succinct "Sorry to hear that mate" while KfW2 provided a sympathetic squeeze on the shoulder.

Both suggested that I do something with them at some point this week - a trip to the cinema with GM and a visit to KfW2's this Friday. I've taken them both up on their offer.

While nothing else has been said regarding my admission beyond my actual confession and their subsequent acknowledgement, I feel much better for simply having shared that. I don't know if GM will follow up on the conversation, but KfW2 definitely will (or I will with her).

A side-effect of chatting to GM was, I believe, the reappearance on Whatsapp of SG after months of silence. She had some actual, proper updates on her life and a new hair colour - red - which is much better than the blonde she had been sporting over the summer.

And a side-effect of the conversation with KfW2 was her own admission that someone I presumed was a platonic friend was actually someone she had dated "for a few months". That's interesting on a few points.

Plans.

It looks like meeting S (and GM and SG) is off the cards tonight. S had originally said that he was going to head into town around 8 PM. Then later said that it had moved out to 8:30 PM. It's now 9:30 PM and there's still no contact from S to say that they're heading out.

Even if he does text right now, it's Saturday night a week before Xmas and it's after 9PM. I'm never getting a taxi inside an hour. I was prepared to head in early, have some drinks and leave a few hours later before the kicking out mayhem happened.

Time to settle in front of the TV, I think.

EDIT: S was never in touch. The group Whatsapp chat went quiet at 5 PM last night after S confirmed the first set of tentative replies and remains so.

Early Goals.

One thing I did learn from the Christmas party was that I have put on some weight over the past year. The suit, whilst still looking good on me (in my humble opinion), just about fit.

While my shoulder seems as if it's mostly healed, I still get fairly serious twinges in it that I'm unsure if it's the injury or because I've been consciously carrying myself not to cause the twinges.

Still, I think I need to get over the thought that I need to be 100% injury free before I can get back into the Yoga and Freeletics. I should at least try it out with some of the more gentle exercises.

But it's the holiday period. This is something for January.

Sigh (cont'd)

The melancholy has gone, but the loneliness has been a factor all day long, presumably the after effects of a load of alcohol last night. I've also been really tired as well.

A last-minute offer from FP for a few drinks tonight was turned down in favour of meeting tomorrow or Sunday. I'd also forgotten that I was meant to be meeting S tomorrow with GM, SG etc. though with the way I'm feeling now, I'll turn up for an hour or so then leave.

Sigh.

So the night didn't quite go as planned. I always look forward to our Christmas party. Part of that is that I don't mind getting dressed up these days. My most recent suit was bought with KfW2 in tow for a female perspective and I feel comfortable in it. It also helped that the first time I wore it, I got several compliments from the likes of CH to bolster my confidence. Another part of it is enjoying the women getting dressed up. Sue me, but I enjoy a bit of a perv. Quiet Girl scrubbed up well, as did a few of the other attractive girls I see around the office.

Anyway, we met for pre-drinks and had fun. A few of the people were ex-team members, so it was nice to catch up. We adjourned to the main venue to join everyone else. KfW2 eventually turned up with CC - they'd had their own party getting ready at CC's house. She'd forgotten her phone in her rush to get a taxi - left it in CC's house.

As mass produced dinners go, it wasn't bad. It was about this time that things changed. I'd already, at this stage, babysat KfW2's dinner while she went off to chat with her friend. I'd also let her borrow my phone to call her husband to check in. I had assumed that once dinner was over we'd grab a drink and chat. A few co-workers had left for the last bus or train, Stalky Guy went to the bar and KfW2 disappeared into the crowd. All of a sudden, I seemed to be on my own.

I sat there with a sense of something... a mood that I'd not been in for years. A sense of melancholy combined with loneliness. It's always brought on by alcohol but there's always an underlying mood for it to build on. I think KfW2 disappearing fed into it and my own current relationship issue was the foundation. I had hoped that, in the absence of having our own night out, we could make some time and chat.

I've been able to shake it before by talking to someone. In the past it would have been AM or QC2. These days it would be KfW2, but she was nowhere to be found. So, in the absence of forcing myself out of the mood, I went home. As I left, I did a double-take. Was that CH? It was.

I woke this morning to a text message from KfW2, sent at around 4 AM.

"Where did you go?" was all it said.

I have to say that I was disappointed that it took her so long to text, especially when she was reunited with her phone at 1 AM.

The mood from last night has gone. I knew it would - once the alcohol goes, the melancholy goes, or has done in the past. But I think I'm still disappointed in not getting more time with KfW2 last night, and maybe a little jealous that CC managed to get KfW2 alone until 4 AM last night.

That thing you do.

Another night and another dream about someone I know.

This time, it was QC2. The details are hazy, but it seemed that we were spending an awful lot of time together, much like KfW2 and I do right now. I mean, QC2 and I kinda did back in the day anyway, but not nearly as often or as closely as KfW2 and I.

Except, there was something between us. A spark. You know that thing were you're interested in someone, see them regularly and are trying to figure out if the feeling is reciprocal? That. And that was the crux of the dream - we spent all of our time prodding at each other (not physically), trying to figure out if the other person was interested, romantically.

I was attracted to QC2 back in the day, but never tried anything partly due to being socially inept and party because we were friends and didn't want to ruin anything.

There wasn't a resolution - the last thing I remember was QC2 trying to be more direct. Then I woke up.

Happy anniversary.

According to KfW2's Facebook posts today, it's 6 years since we had our inaugural Big Xmas Day Out. There were only four of us to begin with, that year, including KfW2 and CC.

By the end of the night, KfW2 was getting me horrendously drunk on Jaegerbombs and left me a brilliant drunken rambly voicemail that I had for ages (cos it was kinda sweet as well as embarrassing).

This is the first year since then that we've not done something for the holiday period.

This time of year.

Browsing Facebook earlier and I came across something that KfW2 had shared with her hubby. It's one of those ubiquitous motivational type messages, though this one is about relationships.

It was celebrating a lengthy relationship. I can't remember the exact phrasing of it and I've just tried finding it again with no success, but it reminded me about how lonely I can get at this time of year.

Socially, it's going to be quiet, only a work event and a night out with S planned before Xmas and I've been something of a hermit recently. I think I need it.

I need more than socialising, to be honest.

Another blast from the past.

Years ago, FP and myself decided to go on holiday. It was a last-minute decision, after having a few drinks. So, the next day, having consulted G and BW, we found ourselves in a travel agents, getting one of FP's squeezes to arrange a fortnight in the sun for us.

Now, boys' holidays in the sun, Club 18-30 etc. weren't really my scene but we agreed that that wasn't really what we were going for.

And off we went, early one May, around twenty years ago.

Typically, we had a blast, met loads of people and generally had a good time. When it came to women, none of us got any action however, we all were attracted to this girl who was working in the resort over the summer.

My memory of her face is vague, though I remember being pretty, but otherwise CH comes to mind - average height, average build, short dark hair, great figure.

She was working a food stand near our apartment and I came busting in the second night after being designated "food" person that day. I'd managed to strike up a conversation with her while waiting for my order and learned that she was a few years younger than me, Belgian and already looking forward to going home.

"Lads, lads! You should see the girl at the food stand!"

I was quite excited.

We ate our food, had a few drinks and got ready for going out (changed into jeans and t-shirt). As we walked past the food stand she called and waved. FP and BW were immediately impressed. Over the next few days, we had more conversations with Belgian Girl (I actually learned her name, but it's been lost in the mists of time) individually or separately. I tried desperately to get her to come out partying with us, but she was always due to work the evenings.

One afternoon, FP and BW took themselves off for a walk. I was tired and in need of some chilling, so I made my way back to the apartment. I grabbed a cold drink and sat in front of the apartment, people watching.

"Where are the other guys?" It was BG. She was wearing a slim fit t-shirt and black leggings.

I explained.

I offered BG a drink and she accepted. We sat on the wall, sipping our drinks, making conversation and just chilling.

BG started to tell me that she was considering just quitting and going home, mainly because it felt superficial.

"If people were like you, FP and BW, than it would be great, but it's not. People here are so shallow."

Part of the problem, she went on to explain, was being incessantly hit on by blokes... especially drunk British blokes. Obviously, I didn't tell her that I had been putting in some ground work of my own, just not as obviously as the (drunk) guys she was complaining about. Shortly after, she got up as she had to go prepare for her shift.

"Ow, I'm all dusty!"

It was true - the wall had left a white line on her ass. She started patting herself down. I was distracted. She had a nice ass. she was patting her ass literally two feet in front of me.

"It's not moving! I'll have to change."

I suggested she perhaps use a damp cloth in my apartment. She did and it worked... mostly. As she left, I got a hug.

Literally a minute or so later, FP and BW arrived back.

"Was that BG?" asked BW.

I filled them in on the generalities of our interaction, but included the ass patting. I think they were not exactly convinced I was telling the truth.

A few days later, and somewhat out of character for us, we found ourselves in a nightclub - pubs were usually our scene.

BW went for a wander while FP and I propped up the bar. The music was appalling.

"Isn't that BG?" asked FP.

I looked. It was. She was talking to BW on the opposite side of the dancefloor. It was a brief conversation. She hugged him and gave him a peck on the cheek before making her way over to us. She wasn't sober.

"I've quit!" she announced. "Tomorrow's my last day and I'm going back home at the weekend."

Apparently her boss had started making moves on her which was the last straw.

We bought her a drink and chatted for a few more minutes, then she had to leave. FP got the same treatment as BW. For me, it was different. The hug was tighter, just a little longer and the kiss I received was on the lips. Like CH's kisses, not a full on kiss, just a peck that lasted a little longer than you would have expected. And then she was gone, despite FP and myself trying to get her to stay out. FP raised an eyebrow.

FP and I left the club for somewhere that played better music, leaving BW to do laps of the club trying to pick up drunk holidaymakers.

The next morning, BW was walking round the apartment like a lottery winner.

"Get some last night then?" asked FP.

"Snogged BG, didn't I?" said BW.

"In the club?"

"Yeah, early on, just after we arrived, then she disappeared"

FP and I looked at each other, barely able to keep the laughter in. BW was always a bullshitter. He obviously didn't know that we'd witnessed the entire thing.

We looked for BG over the next few days, but she was gone. I don't even think that she did her last few shifts at the food stall.

Sigh.

Working with KfW2 can be a PITA at times. Mostly, it's fine, but occasionally, it's frustrating. At times, this manifests itself as her losing track of time because she's engrossed in something. Ultimately, that's harmless. However, when you're actually working with her... well, that's different. There's no doubting that she's intelligent and knows her job, but her professional communication is, IMO, poor.

As one of the most experienced people in the team, she's often given research to do, or brand new things to create. She's great at picking things up quickly, but her weakness is being able to share these things, writing documentation or training around the stuff she's learned.

I was tasked with helping her a few weeks ago. I jumped at the chance because it's a project with a lot of visibility and, of course, I get to work with one of my closest friends. The downside is that she gives vague notions of what to do.

"Go off and do this technical task!"

"You're gonna need to give me more than that"

"I spent weeks researching that, it's not going to be easy to sit down and explain it all to you"

"Just send me the links and your notes on how we implement it"

*sends links*

"Where are your notes?"

"Oh, they're all up here" *taps head*

Sigh.

Or...

*email arrives to team*

"Can someone look at this issue please? Boss"

*another email arrives to team*

"Yes boss, I will have the time to look at this problem for you. KfW2"

Later...

"Have you done that yet?"

"Just started, I was side-tracked looking at this problem for another team"

"You can't do that, I need you on this 100%"

Sigh.

My initial instinct was correct - you cannot and should not work closely with your significant other. That should maybe extend to really close friends as well.

Big brother is watching you.

I've mentioned in the past that I often have quite unlikely coincidences, even simple things like having mutual friends with CB, for example.

Well, today saw my online dating experience made more interesting by being presented, on Bumble, with (ex) model/Reality TV personality Orlaith McAllister. She's not my type from a personality perspective (though she is gorgeous which I've stated before), but I swiped right anyway. You kinda have to under these circumstances, don't you?

For those who are unaware, here's a pic or two:

And this one's purely for me. The abs. Oh, the abs:

Humbug? Bah!

Most of my Christmas shopping is done, just two more to buy. But there's two weeks left 'til Christmas and I have no idea what to buy the two left (my sis and Dad).

This is part of what stresses me, and partly why I simply don't like this time of year.

Within the past two days both KfW2 and FP's wife have both called me "Scrooge" or comparable terms for not having any Christmas decorations in the house.

Part of it is laziness on my behalf - having to put up, then take down the decorations. But I live on my own, so I don't need to worry about decorations. Apart from KfW2, I rarely get visitors, so I don't need to worry about those. And worrying about decorations, at a time of the year that I don't enjoy, is something I can avoid.

I'll try and get the last few presents sorted ASAP this week, which should mean I can relax going into the week before Christmas.

Let it snow.

We've had a snowfall. It's not a huge one, but I think it's enough for KfW2 to be getting her kids to make snow angels this afternoon.

The fact that there's enough snow to make snow angels means that KfW2 owes FP, five pounds. So this morning has seen some three way banter about KfW2 having to pay up (and my teasing her for making the 'bet' in the first place).

Ch-Ching!

EuroMillions is £94 million this Friday.

Think I'll buy a ticket. Yes, the odds are vastly against me - 75 million to 1 or something? But I'll easily get the £2.50's worth by dreaming about what I'd do with a win... starting with telling my boss where to go, the useless knob.

Avoidance.

Back in the day, I used to speak to an awful lot of people using MSN messenger. Most of these people were from my online hobby. Some of the people who participated in the online hobby were, and I am being polite here, mentally ill. These people weren't even friends and as such, I had logging turned on almost permanently, just in case they started a conversation. A few months ago, I found an old archive that had almost three years of recorded conversations. Every now and again, I dip into them to see if there's anything entertaining. Most of it is out-of-date nonsense around the online hobby, but every now and again something tickles me, like this exchange with K.

I've mentioned K before. We've had sex. She jumped me, then proceeded to use that as a basis for trying to start a relationship. I wasn't looking for a relationship with K for any number of reasons, but the two worth mentioning are that I didn't think we were suitable for each other and distance. You'd think that was enough, right?

She barely took 'no' for an answer, made it clear that she wasn't a "sleeping around" kinda girl (didn't really admit this prior to jumping me, though) and subsequently became friends with F, purely because she knew that F and I were friendly. Six months later, at a social gathering, I told her to her face that I wasn't interested in a relationship at her insistence. When I left the room, she confided to F that she didn't believe me. F told her that she should give up or, at best, use me as a fuck buddy. We were still chatting on MSN semi-regularly, though it was mostly about the hobby rather than anything personal.

So, bear in mind that this snippet was the end of  a conversation that had lasted a few hours. Barring one conversation about three weeks earlier, we'd not spoken at any length for nearly eight weeks and that the timing of the conversation was pretty much a year to the day that she's jumped me and we screwed. All typos/misspellings are directly from the chat log.

Oh, and for the record, while I don't remember there being an issue exactly, F had been feeding me information (such as what happened at the social gathering when I left the room) regarding what K had been saying about me. If anything, I was trying to keep my distance, to give K space. She needed it as everything I was saying and doing was being analysed to the nth degree.

K: ...Have you sorted out what you're problem is with me yet?
Ruuude: Eh?
K: For a few weeks you seem to have had a problem relating to me
Ruuude: Ummm... we haven't spoken in aaaages
K: Yes.  But part of it is because I have felt you can't cope with me
Ruuude: I honestly can't see where you would have gotten that idea from
K: Ruuude, for a while you seem to have had a problem with having a decent conversation with me.  It has kind of hurt me that after everything that you haven't been able to cope with speaking to me... but I guess that's how things go.
K: I miss you as a friend.
K: Probably now isn't the best time, but maybe it is.  I'd like that we could get to friendship again, but I think its going to take work - can you cope with that?
Ruuude: yes, but I think you seem to have made an awful lot of assumptions about things
Ruuude: and I don't think that right now is the best time to talk about it
K: I seem to remember that you thought someone else had made a large number of assumptions about you.  Maybe I have, but maybe you need to be clearer
Ruuude: We'll talk about this at some other time
K: Maybe.  But don't make this yet another avoidance strategy.  As far as I'm concerned you do too many of those.

And we never talked about it again, because K never talked about it again.

Bah and Humbug.

Years ago, KfW2 and I started a tradition where we'd meet for drinks in our local Christmas Market. From then, it grew until it was a fairly big affair - S, GM, FC, CC etc. would all be invited out, and most would attend too. But it was still, at its heart, just a reason for me and KfW2 to go out. It wasn't a secret either - I'd said as much to KfW2 enough times over the past few years. Everyone else's attendance was nice, but not necessary.

This year, I didn't bother. I knew KfW2 wouldn't be able to make it regardless of the actual date, and to be honest, the attraction of the Christmas Market grows less with each passing year. We talked about it last weekend and I did admit to KfW2 that if I'd arranged anything this year, the Christmas Market would have been used as a meeting place, then we'd go somewhere nicer/more comfy.

Funnily enough, only hours after KfW2 and I had chatted, both SG and FP messaged to ask if there were any plans in place. Obviously, I declined, and thought that would be that - no-one else would step up and do the needful. But no, SG has decided that we should head out. Typically SG though, it's taken a week to send two messages.

"Are we going to the Christmas Market this year?"
"How's the 7th for everyone?"

But I'm really not feeling it this year.

Plans.

"I'll make dinner, we can put the kids to bed and have a couple of beers."

No prizes for guessing who. It seems that it's her time to shine. Yes, it's KfW2 in case you hadn't guessed.

We'd arranged to spend Friday afternoon together. As usually happens if I visit, I hang around, she cooks while I "entertain" the kids, then we get some alone time before Mr KfW2 shows his face after work (which is some time after 10 PM).

"I can't this time. My sister has asked me to babysit. She's literally just off the phone."

It wasn't a lie. She did phone at 9 PM on a Thursday night asking me to look after her kids the next night. KfW2 started texting minutes after I'd hung up.

"Oh. OK"

I could tell she was disappointed. It was only a few days ago that we bemoaned the fact that we hadn't had a night or afternoon out since the start of the year. Having a beer and an hour in between putting the kids to bed and her hubby coming home aren't the same thing, but would have been an interim measure. A welcome one, as far as I was concerned.

I apologised on Friday. I didn't have to - I'd done nothing wrong per se, but I knew that KfW2 had been looking forward to the hour of beers and company as much as she had been of running around after her kids.

She tried to put a brave face on it.

"It's not like you won't be down visiting again," she said.

But I could detect something in her tone.

"I know," I said, "But I was looking forward to it as well. This feels like I'm rushing off."

We left it at that.

When I arrived at my sister's, my brother-in-law asked if I'd had anything planned.

"Just hanging around KfW2's for a few more hours for a beer and dinner."

Today, I'm knackered. Looking after kids for nearly 12 hours will do that to you if you're not used to it.

Further dreams.

Two nights in a row I remember a dream? Weird. This time, it's a warm summer's day. My home town is really busy. There must be something on that's caused all these people to be about. One of my work colleagues asks me to fill in at a football match.

So off I trot to the local sports store to pick up a few things I need, when who do I bump into? CAB. She's delighted to see me. We chat for a bit before  CAB says she needs to catch her bus. At the bus stop, CAB suggests we head to a bar and she'll catch the next bus in a few hours. My plans to help out my friend are ditched and we head to the nearest bar.

We settle into a corner and order drinks. Conversation flows easily. CAB misses her next bus. The conversation flows.

CAB gets a look in her eye. She becomes more tactile and things look as if they might get a bit interesting.

Then I wake up. Thankfully less confused and less tired than I was yesterday.

Next year's for cheers.

I chatted with KfW2 again about doing something, socially. KfW2 has been reasonably active from social standpoint, but not with me. In fact, if my memory serves, we've only had one adult night out this entire calendar year, and that was me taking her out for her birthday at the start of the year.

Meanwhile, she's seen other friends at various times for drinks or spa days etc. I'm disappointed that we haven't been able to do anything for so long.

The problem is that we can't pin point any time between now and the end of the year. Obviously, KfW2 has family commitments which rule out entire Saturdays or Sundays, but also the day before too. KfW2, quite rightly, doesn't want to have to take the family to see Father Christmas with a raging hangover.

It looks like we're at least four weeks away from having a few hours to ourselves. In reality, it's going to be almost eight, I think. Sigh.

What the?

It's not often that I remember (or even have) a dream that included as much detail as the one I had last night/early this morning. In fact, there was that much going on that I can barely put it into words. The gist of it was that we had been secretly visited by aliens who were trying to get volunteers for a human colony on some planet/spaceship of theirs and, for reasons unknown. KfW2 was one of the people who had been contacted and was recruiting others for this.

Of course, KfW2 was trying to talk me round, without letting slip what exactly was going on. For some reason that was not explained, the aliens had given KfW2 a tattoo - a pair of angel wings on her upper back that seemed to shimmer in different colours, much like the inside of a sea shell. So, KfW2 approaches me for a chat, she's wearing her wedding dress. Before too long, she's talking about her tattoo, and that she's immensely proud of it. So she shows me it, but in order to do so, she has to take off the wedding dress. She's naked underneath, but as the tattoo is on her back, I only see her from behind. The tattoo is stunning. I tell her so. She gets bashful all of a sudden, gathers her wedding dress in her arms and runs away.

Suddenly, we're on the human colony. I'm talking to her husband who's not her IRL husband but is, in fact, Sawyer from Lost. IRL Husband is no more - divorced, died... I don't know.

KfW2 approaches me and asks to chat. She's disillusioned with life on the human colony and wants to return home. I'm also homesick and agree that we should return home. Sawyer from Lost wants to stay, though. He's the mayor of the human colony and has gone power mad and doesn't want to give that up.

KfW2 and I travel to meet the aliens to see if we can return home as they had originally said it was a one-way trip.

I wake up before anything else happens. I am very confused. The bedclothes are everywhere. I've obviously been tossing and turning all night long. That explains why I'm so very tired today.

FML

I had a big lunch, so I "only" made a cheese toastie for dinner. It was lovely. Less so, the chunk of tooth or filling that has fallen out that I have swallowed.

Looks like a call to the dentist, first thing tomorrow morning.

Bah.

The more things change.

For reasons unknown, this just popped into my head. I've not thought about this in years - I can't remember if I ever talked about it on the blog before.

Years ago, I can't remember how many, but it's at least ten I think, possibly more, G was visiting home. As it happened, it was the summer. I know a football tournament was on, but I can't remember which.

As my parents were out of town for a week, we started by watching the footy at mine, having a BBQ and a few beers before heading into the town. We headed to a new basement bar that was open that I'd been to a couple of times and always had a decent time.

For most of the night, nothing really exciting happened. G and I propped up the bar and drank heavily.

We got chatting to a girl at the bar, swapped some banter and off she went. I made my excuses and went off to use the little boys' room. When I came back, G was not at the bar where I had left him, but was talking to the girl from the bar. And she had a cute friend. A really cute friend. Brunette, slim/athletic, good figure. Boxes were being ticked. She was wearing a white, thin jumper, blue jeans and heels.

"Here he is, " said G as I made my way over.

"Wassup?" I said.

G handed me a drink. It was a shot of some description.

"That's for you"

I eyed it suspiciously.

"What is it?"

"Just drink it, you muppet," demanded G.

So, I did. In one. It was vile and that was reflected in my face.

"Urgh! What was that?"

"I dunno, " laughed G. "Apparently some fella bought it for these girls and they didn't fancy it."

The girls laughed.

"Urgh, good choice, it was horrid. I need something to cover up the taste. Bleach or sommat"

And with that, the ice was broken.

We chatted with the girls for the rest of the evening. Towards the end, G and I started making noises about getting a cab back to mine. It turned out that one of the girls lived in an area where G and I had both grown up and no more than fifteen minutes walk from where our respective parents currently lived.

"Come back to mine for a drink, " I offered. My fridge was bursting due to the BBQ antics from earlier.

"Noooooo, come back to mine!" said Bar Girl.

So we did.

Back at Bar Girl's place, with beers in hand, it became apparent that Bar Girl's friend was interested in me. I was interested in her, too. But, as usual, I wasn't making a move in front of anyone. The four of us chatted for a couple of hours with G and I trying to get the girls back to mine, mainly because BG had run out of beer. I decided that I need to see how this was going to turn out. G and I had already agreed that Bar Girl's friend was interested in me via a series of subtle (I hope) glances and nods.

I went to the back door, ostensibly for some fresh air, hoping that BGF would follow... and she did. Within seconds, I had leaned in and we were kissing.

It felt like only a matter of seconds had passed (but G told me the next day it was like ten minutes) that G had decided that BG herself was unavailable and made his excuses and this was around 4 AM. He said he couldn't have been no more than 20 meters down the street when BG lost her temper, and loudly.

BGF looked resigned. I think this might have been a regular occurrence with Bar Girl.

"I'll show you out, " she apologised, "I need to sort her out. She's drunk."

At the front door, I tried again to get BGF to come back to mine with the promise of more beer, but she while she appeared to want to, she needed to attend to her friend. She leaned in again for a kiss. She was a good kisser. I lost track of time again. I always do when kissing cute women. It seemed like thirty seconds again, but it was probably five minutes. BG kicked off again from indoors. BGF broke the kiss and went inside. The door closed.

Early-ish the next morning (after all, it was after 4AM when I got home), G called. I barely had time to say hello before...

"Did you get her number?"

Fuck. Not had we kissed, or had sex. No, the simplest of things. Did I get her number?

G and I went out for hair of the dog at lunchtime. Neither of us needed it per se, it was an excuse for G to laugh/berate me.

He had a point. I'm still useless at getting contact details as the RB incident showed.

Well, well, well.

At the risk of this blog turning into the KfW2 fan club, I still felt that I had to post this rather dramatic turnaround in attitude.

Since I moved into my current place, without flatmates (useless or otherwise), I have slowly been doing odd jobs here and there. My goal was to turn my house into somewhere that people could, and would, drop into.

Somewhere for me to live, but somewhere always open to guests.

It's taking longer than I would like mainly due to using all of my savings on the deposit, rather than buying somewhere cheaper and using savings for any required work.

I do, at least, have a spare, furnished bedroom. As yet, no-one has stayed over.

I have offered to KfW2 (amongst others) multiple times, but KfW2 was always appreciative of the offer, but concerned, I think about what others might think - married woman in single man's house.

Until today.

When she was talking to a friend of hers about an upcoming Xmas night out, she referenced a social thing that we had discussed but not finalised.

"I could even stay over at yours afterwards," she said.

Hmmm...

I wanted to delve into this in more detail, but I thought it wasn't the time nor place to do so, especially with the company, so I left it.

On the way home, I did bring it up. Or more accurately, I said "That offer for kipping in the spare room is always open if you need it" and then I moved on to the topic of trying to nail down something for our own social thing.

That's still a work in progress, though.

Seriously?

I had a stunningly attractive, naked woman in my bedroom earlier.

And that's where the excitement stops - I neither saw nor laid hands on the person in question. It was KfW2, who somewhat bizarrely asked if she could shower at mine as she was leaving work. I reckoned that it had something to do with the overnight bag that I saw in KfW2's car this morning and had been wondering about.

I, of course, said that she could.

Another friend of hers is visiting for work, at a conference at a hotel not far from where I live. There was a spare room going this evening and KfW2's friend suggested that she use the room, and they could do dinner and drinks.

KfW2 was undecided and had pondered this all day before making a decision, hence the overnight bag and desire to shower.

When she was finally ready and came down, she was genuinely concerned that she didn't look right.

She was, as always, stunning. Simple white top, black skinny jeans, flesh coloured heels.

"You're very pretty," I tried to reassure her.

"Are you sure I look OK?"

"Yes, you look great!"

It's not like I was lying or anything.

She was about to leave, when I reminded her about her footwear. She'd forgotten her work shoes. Then she insisted on drinking a cup of tea I'd poured, even though, by her own admission, she was late.

"Just go," I commanded. And, surprisingly, she complied.

"I didn't even have time to take the tag off my new top!"

"I'll do it. I have scissors right here."

So, I spent a few seconds rummaging inside KfW2's top, trying to find the tag that was somewhere near her neck, before locating it and snipping off the plastic. The other bit fell inside her top, down her back.

"You can find that other end by yourself"

And she left. And those feelings that were stirred earlier, are stirred a little more.

Mwah!

"Darling"
"Sweetheart"

*blows kiss*

These are things that KfW2 has called or done to me over the past few weeks. To be fair, she's always been distracted when she's called me those things and I've laughed at her for it. In a good way.

The kiss blowing was this morning though, as she ran off to get the bus. She was late (hence distracted), but still.

I'm not reading anything into this - it amused me, so I thought I'd share.

But it does stir up some feelings that I would like someone to actually call me those things for real.

It's not a good time of year. We've started getting into the Xmas period and that's a time of year that I've never really gotten on with.

Hmmm.

During my conversation with CH last week (which was mostly career-based), I admitted the hair loss thing to her. It seems really obvious to me - I can see definite thinning, especially under some lighting conditions. However, CH said that while there was one spot that was obvious, in general it wasn't.

That's a small comfort - hair loss is hair loss. I still don't understand why this is having an effect on me while my other physical characteristics barely trouble me.

Ho hum.

It was supposedly a reunion night out - people who haven't seen each other in a while had a chance to catch up. Specifically, I think the night was arranged for GB, CH and KfW2. The rest of us see each other at least once per month.

However, KfW2 couldn't make it due to baby-sitting reasons. S didn't show up as he had another event the night after and is pretty incapable of heavy drinking two nights in a row due to his hangovers. CH appeared for a grand total of ninety minutes.

I got to chat to her for a short time, which was nice, but it wasn't the same. Are we still treading carefully around each other because of our falling out, or has the dynamic simply changed?

I understand her reasons for only being out for a short time, and in the past she woulda used this as an excuse not to come out at all. But part of me wonders why she didn't speak up so that we could have arranged a date mutually suitable to everyone.

Still, for a reunion night out, it didn't live up to expectations. As an ordinary night out with that group, it was decent enough.

I got talking to GM, though. It's the first time I've seen him without Sports Girl since... probably the night he went speed dating. We got talking about SG and he admitted that she spends lots of time in his company. He reckoned they spent time together at least six days a week... and SG wants more.

I think GM is also contemplating asking SG to move in with him as well, but is a little reluctant given their recent temporary split. I don't know a lot about SG's past relationships, but it seems to me that she's very full-on. Can that be maintained by either party on a long term basis? I think that's a concern of GM's.

He's not against the amount of time he spends with SG, but is well aware that he needs his own space too.

SG wanted to come to the reunion even though she has nothing to do with the reason why we all know each other. I was really expecting her to turn up.

It'll be interesting to keep an eye on that.

Never again.

KfW2 asked me to babysit. She'd already approached CC, who'd said yes. I presume that CC had asked that someone else was drafted in as she didn't want to do it on her own.

However, when I first said that I'd help out, I'd completely forgotten about the night out with CH, GM etc. I updated KfW2 and told her that I'd still turn up, but only to regard me as a backup at best, in case I was massively hungover.

Come the next morning, I wasn't as bad as I'd thought, but I wasn't operating at 100% either. KfW2 was, as usual, late out of the house, looking stunning. This time, though, the tardiness was working in my favour. The later KfW2 left, the less time I had to do actual babysitting.

I spent the first 45 minutes on my own - CC had been "stolen" for transport duties. Saying that, it was only about 10 minutes to where KfW2 was dining and drinking, so 45 minutes was suspicious. But, I kept the kids in check.

Once CC arrived back in, then the "trouble" started. The kids' choice of TV wasn't suitable. CC wanted to watch something else. In the next half an hour, CC made several demands that I call KfW2 to gain some unimportant, trivial information, which I refused. We served up dinner, but the kids weren't eating fast enough, so she ended up spoon feeding the two youngest. Then, when CC couldn't get the TV to work, she demanded that I call KfW2 to find out how it worked. She ignored me when I told her what was wrong.

And rather than just using the DVD player or KfW2's Netflix account, she called KfW2 to ask her how to use the TV. The thought that KfW2 might not want to be bothered, and to have a couple of hours with her friend never crossed CC's mind.

During the next ninety minutes, CC "demanded" several times that I call KfW2 or her husband rather than do it herself. For the few hours that we were left to do the babysitting, CC tried to get away with doing anything at any opportunity, despite being the one that KfW2 reached out to.

I've spoken about CC's princess personality before, but it was frustrating to see that CC seemed to be using my presence to get out of doing the thing she said she'd do.

I'll not be keeping CC company again, if KfW2 calls in a favour.

Behind the times.

I've finally joined the internet streaming age and gotten a Netflix account. What's worth watching these days?

Hmmm...

Yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk. I can't really figure out why though. Part of it could be to do with KfW2. For a while now, I've been trying to get her out, socially. Just me and her. We're long overdue just a night out with us. The last time she was out, socially, with me and a group was my birthday in the summer. The last time it was just the two of us was her birthday night out in March.

She's claiming that she doesn't drink alcohol any more. I get it. She's going through a phase where alcohol gives her massive, crippling hangovers. I'm not asking her to come out and throw shots down our necks on a 12 hour binge session. I'm asking for a quiet night, sitting in our favourite pub, chatting and people watching. But her time is limited and I understand that. I also know she has a few glasses of wine at home.

However, today, she reeled off a list of upcoming events, at least half of which were her heading out with friends, this side of Xmas.

And before that, she'd asked me a favour - to accompany CC when she's baby-sitting on Saturday. That's secret CC code for "Ruuude does all the work while I watch the TV with a cup of tea". I don't mind looking after KfW2's kids, it was only recently that I've done it, but I've got my own night out on Friday that will hopefully include CH. I'm not going to be in peak baby-sitting condition on Saturday afternoon.

So, yeah, that's disappointed me.

But I don't think it's just that. I'm also run down with work. I need a few days off, but can't afford to take the time right now due to workload, but I do have the days to take.

KfW2 claims she owes me "big time", but I shouldn't have to call in a favour to get some social time with a friend.

Questions.

Sometimes, when I'm bored, I tend to ponder questions that no-one would ever think of asking me. To be honest, there aren't a lot of people who would react positively to being asked them, I don't think. KfW2, for example, would be horrified. GM might not. Sometimes these questions are rooted in real life and can be quite deep or personal:

• What is your biggest regret?
• What is your biggest mistake?
• If you could change one thing in your life, no matter how small or large, what would it be and why?
• What is your biggest goal?

Sometimes these are less serious but still require some actual thought in order to answer:

• What one super power would you like to have?
• If you could swap places with someone for a few days who would it be?
• If you woke one morning in a body of the opposite sex and knew you had three days to do what you wanted, what would you do?

Sometimes, these questions seem flippant, but all of them, if considered correctly, can often show how people think regardless of what the answer actually is.

Wow.

If I didn't know any better, I'd swear that this was a picture of SG. (Edit: the great image purge of 2023 has robbed me of this particular image, so have another one instead.)

It's not, though. It's one of my favourite adult movie stars, Mindy Main. The resemblance, in this photo at least, is uncanny.

False dawns.

Four months, practically to the day. That's how long my shoulder has been painful. I've yet to make a return appointment to see my GP - like everything these days, it gets forgotten about during the day when I'm at work (and my shoulder doesn't really bother me then). By the time I remember, every other day or so, it's too late in the evening to call.

Finally, though, I think there are definite signs that it could be pretty much mended. There are still minor twinges, especially when my shoulder gets jolted - sudden braking on the bus, for example - but other than that movement seems fine. It definitely seems to be a joint rather than muscle problem.

I'm still planning on attempting the double whammy of Freeletics and DDP Yoga. DDP for a few weeks to get properly stretched out and ease into exercise again, then add the more strenuous Freeletics bodyweight exercises when I'm comfortable that my shoulder isn't going to relapse. I've had false dawns within the last four months as it is. If I can get a couple of DDP sessions under my belt without incident, then I'll be much happier.

And to add to that, dietary tweaks. Reduce (or cut out) as much bread and crisps as possible (crisps are my real vice) and reduce portion sizes. I am notoriously greedy with food.

Regular readers won't find this surprising at all - I've probably posted about this a few times now. The details haven't really changed. I did do DDP yoga about three years ago with the dietary tweaks mentioned above and lost 10lbs in as many weeks. While it was disappointing that no-one else said owt, at least one of my co-workers noticed an improvement and did ask about it.

Socially speaking.

Next Friday, there's a mini reunion of sorts - people I (used to) work with. GM, FC, GB, KfW2 and CH are all on the invite list, amongst others. It's been arranged by FC. So far, everyone has said that they're going to attend, but I'm pretty sure that KfW2 can't make it. She already had plans in place for the night after and can't get a babysitter. It'd be nice if she came out. I think having some "me" time would do her good. I get the sense she really needs a break and as a recent post implies, I don't think her husband is helping right now.

As far as I can tell, CH is still attending. However, history has shown that this can be called into question up to 24 hours before the social gathering itself. I will only be convinced that she's going to attend when she walks in through the door of the pub.

Part of me's not convinced that SG won't show her face either, even though she's not a work colleague and no-one else is, to the best of my knowledge, bringing their partner.

Changes.

So, the planned day out with KfW2 quickly fell apart. She was called into work unexpectedly as I was on my way to hers. She didn't know how long she was going to be tied up with work, so we didn't immediately change our plans.

I arrived at lunchtime and proceeded to entertain the kids. Every now and again, KfW2 would call me for some advice or technical knowledge.

During some downtime, KfW2 then dropped another bombshell. Mr KfW2 wasn't going to his friend's house after all... apparently there were crossed wires and that both he and his friend were coming to KfW2's place instead.

It was tea-time when KfW2 put away her laptop.

I did admit that I wasn't staying late. Part of the reason that KfW2 had to spend the afternoon working rather than spend time with her kids was a deadline that required KfW2 to be in a meeting in the middle of the night. When we originally made the plans, her presence in this meeting wasn't required. I wasn't going to hang around when KfW2 needed to be tucked up in bed. I did think it was pretty selfish or at best short-sighted that Mr KfW2 didn't change his plans to leave KfW2 in peace, especially after a long, stressful day.

KfW2 owes me big time. I don't see it being that big a deal, but when she hugged me as I left last night, those were the words she used, and she was very earnest about it.

Oh.

"You should come down on Friday night, if you've nothing planned this weekend"

Yes, you guessed it... KfW2.

As it happens, I don't have anything planned, so I'll probably go down. I was contemplating taking the day off, but work is a bit up-in-the-air  right now and until a few things get sorted, I can't really take any time off.

But I will probably be leaving work early, so I suggested that I'd head down then - pop into the house, drop off my work stuff and head on down.

I was waiting for the usual comments when KfW2 invites me down but instead...

"Hubby's going to his friend's house on Friday."

Now, to be fair, the last time I went down, the husband's friend didn't show up, but it definitely seems to be a recurring thought in KfW2's mind.

Still... something to do. Someone to talk to. Something to keep me away from the TV or PC on Friday night.

Relax

I've complained this year about a manager who is responsible for me. Things are going to come to a head once he gives me my performance review score. But it's not just me. KfW2 confided in me today that her current project is having a massive effect on her stress levels and her home life.

As she was telling me this in a phone call while I was at the office, I didn't get a chance to question her further. Home life? I know the project is a mess, partly in thanks to our boss who, in my opinion, is poor at his job. But it's not like the project is going badly... it could just go a lot smoother, be more efficient, be showing more results, if people who were paid to make decisions actually made decisions.

I don't want to write off KfW2's concerns. I know that in the recent past that she's had to address some mental health issues, and I suspect that this is at the back of her mind.

But I think she's worried that someone might think she's not doing her job (she is), and that stress is causing more stress.

KfW2 does seem to let things that MIGHT happen bother her more than they should.

Weird.

All day yesterday and most of today, I was in a weird mood. Not bad weird, but good weird... or possible just weird weird.

I was in great form that had more than a sense of excitement about it. Like the anticipation of a good night out, going on a date, going to a gig etc. But I didn't have anything to be excited about.

Nor was I coasting off the back of anything exciting. A work night out turned out to be a very middling "OK". The night out with FC, GM etc. was successfully avoided (which isn't hard to do when Whatsapp chat doesn't start until 5PM). Only Mrs FC said anything - she messaged me separately later in the evening to ensure I was OK.

And general things were poor - a suggestion to the same Whatsapp group about a trip to the cinema yielding one reply - a negative one from Mrs FC. GM, S and SG couldn't even muster a "no thanks". A similar text message to M has yet to result in any kind of reply as well.

So the excitement/good mood was borne of nothing, but lasted all yesterday and most of today. I've nothing, socially speaking, on the horizon for at least a few weeks.

Hello!

I needed more caffeine. That's how this day is going so far. Off I trundled to my local coffee shop for my second coffee of the day (you do not want to know how many shots of espresso that equates to).

Who was ahead of me in the queue? Quiet Girl! She was with some work colleagues. And... she seemed to be quite chatty with her colleagues. My presumption that she was quiet stems from no eye contact or recognition despite our paths crossing a few times, but she has always seemed quiet and timid to me. Anyone who knows the people where I live and work will know that this is an anomaly - we only need the vaguest interaction to be on at least nodding terms.

But, once again, no eye contact, though as her attention was taken by her colleagues, that's less of a surprise this time round.

What was this, though? Was that a glance backwards towards me as she left the shop?

Seeing Quiet Girl, and "paying attention" to her reminded me of a recent chat I'd had regarding preferences in physical traits. I'm not specifically a fan of breasts, ass, legs etc. Despite my admiration, for example, of CH's ample rack, I'm not instantly attracted to a girl simply because there are big tits on show. I like a figure that is in proportion. QG is slim, but still has a figure.

Ouch, my feet. (part 2)

Well, I was wrong. Far from getting a good night's sleep last night, I woke several times and seemingly didn't sleep well at all. I can't figure out why though.

Suffice to say, today will be mostly powered by coffee. I don't think my home town has enough to keep me going, but let's see.

Ouch, my feet.

My feet are killing me. It's my own fault. Due to some bizarre idea by our charities committee, we were due to do a sponsored walk type thing today.

And, to be fair, we did it. But I'd forgotten all about it this morning and arrived in work in my usual footwear - a pair of Adidas Sambas.

But, not wanting to let anyone down, off I went at the appointed hour. It's not that it was meant to be far - roughly 3 miles - and I can usually do that in my sleep, regardless of footwear.

But nearly immediately upon my arrival back at the office, one of my co-workers wanted a chat and, as it was lunchtime, off we went for another walk, to ensure privacy away from office ears.

And that turned out to be another couple of miles. Again, no real surprised as I do that most lunchtimes with no issues.

However, doing both together for a rough total of 5.5 miles in the Sambas has not done my feet any favours.

It did mean burning roughly 700 calories though... and I'll probably sleep well tonight to boot. Pun not intended.

Something or other.

Years ago, M and I went out for a few pints. It turned into a massive session, which wasn't unusual back in the day, but it was the timing that was important. It was a weekend close to Hallowe'en. As such, plenty of people were out in fancy dress.

One such person was a barmaid in one of the bars we were in. My memory might be playing games on me, but I think this was around the time that I'd had or had arranged the date with Date No. 1. We were discussing the fact that M had been on a date with her. Actually thinking about it, it must have been post-date as we were discussing our experiences.

Regardless, we asked the barmaid for her opinion about something online dating related and M took a shine to the barmaid, dressed as an air hostess. She was brought up in conversation, years afterwards, especially around Hallowe'en.

It's that time of year again. Mrs FC is talking about going out, but I gave it a miss last year. Yes, I like seeing girls in "sexy" fancy dress costumes, but because I don't dress up myself, I kinda feel a little out of touch, even with the people I'm with. There are no details beyond a vague understanding of a social gathering.

It was 2 years ago that SG told me she liked me in a way that I took to mean (and am still convinced meant) more than friends. While she was dressed in a fantastic Wonder Woman costume. And I walked off because I was apocalyptic-ally drunk.

I have a work thing to go to on Friday. IG will be there... and drunk... and I know what some of my friends would advise me to do. I'll likely be drunk myself, but I won't misbehave, but that alone could put a night out on Saturday in jeopardy.

Even with a clear head and energy, I'm not sure that I will go out on Saturday though. I did send M a text suggesting we head out for a pint soon.

Silence!

It was only a matter of time. I've blocked SG on Facebook... well blocked her nonsense from appearing in my feed. The first friend I think I've had to do that to.

Talking.

"You're fucking kidding me, really?"

That was FP's response when I told him that GM and SG were together again as a couple. He followed that up with:

"It's not gonna last."

He could be right. People don't tend to change too much, and SG has some serious issues going on that she needs to address if her and GM stand a chance.

We segued into talking about another female friend of GM, drawing comparisons between her and SG. In almost all areas, FP preferred GM's friend by a large margin. That's almost exactly what KfW2 said when we were talking about recent events, not just GM's reconciliation with SG. And I would tend to agree with them as well... certainly with regards non-physical traits, GM's friend wins hands down.

And somehow, from that topic, we got onto the topic of FA2. I don't think that FA2 was particularly popular in my circle of friends. They felt that she was overbearing and sometimes trying to score points in conversations. I can't say that the latter is correct, but she definitely had a big personality and could come over strongly. I think QC1 was quite intimidated by her, though QC1 was timid.

We also talked about BW and his somewhat offbeat way of thinking and S being in love with his best female friend, who just happens to be gay. And that's just a fraction of the conversation that FP and I had last night.

While we were in the pub, sat at the bar, I caught the eye of a girl at the other end. She was brunette and pretty, but it seemed like she was on a date. Or at least, she was with a bloke. We continued to catch each other's eye all night. She seemed kinda familiar - I presume it's someone I've spotted on one of the dating sites or apps - it's not someone I've come across in real life. The eye contact thing was weird if she was on a date, but it didn't seem to be a date. It didn't have that vibe about it. Unless it was a first date... or a bad date.

Sob

I thought I was in good shape. My shoulder pain had all but gone, bar a little bit of pain first thing in the morning and I was starting to think about getting back into yoga and doing the Freeletics.

Until I spent the evening wrestling and generally carrying-on with KfW2's kids.

On Saturday morning, my shoulder was in agony. Painkillers, freeze spray and not moving my arm about just about nullified the pain.

This morning, I'm back to how I was on Friday - perhaps slightly more sore.

I'm toying with going to see my GP. There seems to be something more serious than a general tweak of the shoulder.

Plans

So, after some recent interaction with CH, where I once again put out the offer to meet for drinks (albeit very tentatively) which prompted the usual response from CH these days - bare acknowledgement and a generic agreement that has no substance.

And then last night, whilst visiting KfW2, I got a notification from WhatsApp. FC had started a group chat with the express intention of arranging a night out. The difference with this one being that some people who've kinda faded away from our social circle are specifically invited to a night out (date and venue tbc). Included in the chat are S, GM, FC and myself from our usual circle of friends. Of those who dropped away, familiar names are GB and CH. There are a couple of others and I added KfW2.

CH has been vocal about coming out, using a tone that suggests she might actually follow through as well. But she's also thrown a grenade into proceedings, suggesting a non-weekend night explaining that hangovers and her kids are not a good mix. She's not wrong. Hangovers and any kids are not a good mix.

Still, it'll be interesting to see if this gets off the ground. And if partners show up - I would imagine it would be difficult to keep SG away from this.

Little things.

A while ago, during a day out with KfW2, I ended up taking loads of photos of her kids playing in the playground. As part of that, I also had a couple of group shots of KfW2 with her kids. She was really pleased that I'd done that, because she claimed she didn't have an awful lot of photos of her and the kids.

I knew that, which is why I'd "set up" the photo opportunities.

I was looking through my photos from the past few years at the start of the week and I came across the pictures. KfW2 has been having a really hard time of it recently. I'd seen it in her body language. So I decided that I'd get her a little present. Nothing extravagant, but personal. So I set the ball in motion.

A few days later, KfW2 actually opened up to me and explained what was going on.

On Thursday, all the pieces for the gift came together and I packaged them up. It was good timing as KfW2 was meant to call into my house on the way home on Friday.

So I presented it to her, and she was surprised and really chuffed. Throughout the night, she kept making comments about how she loved it.

I'm still concerned about KfW2 - a little gift and a reminder that I'm there for her is not going to solve her issues - but I know she appreciates the gesture.

Eyes forward.

There's a cute girl at work. I've mentioned her before - Quiet Girl.

She's foreign, thin, good figure and, as I've mentioned, cute. I just about know her name, though, and we've only ever interacted about three times over a couple of years. I dragged her onto the dance floor at one of our Christmas parties, I sat beside her on the bus for half an hour and tried to engage in conversation and she was hosting a stall at one of our internal HR fairs in work. I did actually, at one point, want to get to know her better.

And yet, every time we pass each other in the corridor or street, there's no acknowledgement. No nod and smile and more often than not, not even eye contact.

Weird.

Blast from the past.

Another night, another dream. I mean, I assume I dream most nights and can't remember most of them, and even those that I do remember are too dull or uninteresting to report or ponder.

Last night's was not one of them.

I had a friend at school. Well, lots of friends, but there was one in particular, a girl. I'll call her SJ. I don't remember how we got close, but we did... then I developed a huge crush on her, which you will be un-surprised to hear I never acted upon.

But there was something about her - her attitude towards life and our home town. If we were American, she'd have been "Most likely to travel the world" or something in our yearbook. She seemed a lot more worldly-wise than our other friends and while most of my peers were looking at attending local universities, she was looking further afield.

Things got complicated during our final year at school - she ended up dating two close friends of mine, one of whom knew about my crush. When the first of these "relationships" fell apart (he did not know about my crush), it was me she called, not any of her female friends. I never understood why. We were close but not, in my opinion, "the first person to call after a break up" close, especially given my relationship with her now ex.

After school, she left for university and pretty much disappeared. To the best of my knowledge, no one is in contact with her. The last people to see her were myself, AM and FP, separately. FP caught up with her in Belgium when he was passing through while we still at least knew where she was, a few months after leaving school. A year or so later, AM and I bumped into her and her sister at a theatre show in our home town and she seemed really distant and reluctant to chat.

And that was that. I don't think she's on social media - I have looked. I'm pretty certain that she's never returned (permanently) to her hometown.

And that leads me to the dream.

Somehow, after all this time, we managed to make contact with each other. At a reunion of sorts subsequent to contact being made again, our friendship was instantly reignited and we spent hours talking, almost ignoring everyone else in attendance. In the end, we slip off to another place, possibly another bar for privacy, where we continue to catch up on our lives since school. And, yes, that feeling is still there, but now I think she feels it too.

But before anything is done about that, the others find us and the party starts again. Around this time, the dream fades or I wake up.

Back in the real world, I'm feeling nostalgic and maybe a little melancholic?

And despite our last meeting, I want to meet her again.

Here we go again.

A few weeks ago, partly to placate a disappointed KfW2, I agreed to come to hers for an evening. It's not like it's a hardship - the personal time that KfW2 and I get alone these days is limited to minutes per month. The date I suggested was a few weeks away, due to some other commitments of mine.

That evening is rapidly approaching. Today, KfW2 confirmed again that it was indeed this weekend. I confirmed that it was.

Then, perhaps not unexpectedly, KfW2 suggest that her hubby's friend might come over. I've mentioned him before - he's one of Mr KfW2's closest and oldest friends, but I'm really unsure of what KfW2 thinks of him. He never seems to go to KfW2's unless I'm (or others are) there.

So, potentially, a couple of hours with KfW2 (and eventually her hubby when he comes home from work) has the friend added. While I've stated before that I have no strong feelings either way about the friend, I do feel that the time when he's there is less enjoyable.

And I still can't shake the feeling that KfW2 is "using" me as a buffer, to be able to say that she's had the friend at the house.

An idea.

I was digging through some photos earlier, to get a batch printed off for various uses including a couple for KfW2 and I came across a picture of E's sister. It was taken quite a few years ago, by me, when I had an idea about setting up ES with GM. I had met E and ES for a few drinks, while GM, FP and Mrs FP were due to come down later.

As luck would have it, E and ES left shortly before GM arrived.

But I still had it in my mind that it's something I'd do. In fact, I do remember telling GM that I had someone I wanted him to meet, but I never got the opportunity to arrange anything. He did seem open to the idea, though.

It's rare that I am massively confident about getting friends together, romantically. I can do it non-romantically... and have done it hundreds of times over the years. I think my hit rate for introducing friends is pretty damned good.

I was instrumental in CC getting a date with S, though that never went anywhere. I was honest with CC about GM, though I still told her to go for it, though nothing happened. But I was supremely confident that GM and ES would hit it off. Plus, y'know, it's not either of them are uggers.

A few months ago, when I saw ES posting a picture with Attractive Neighbour, I toyed with the idea that I might try that again, but time got away from me and GM and SG are back together again. For now.

What if?

I took CC out for brunch today. It wasn't strictly my idea - I'd have arranged a meal some weeknight, but CC was insistent on having breakfast. So, KfW2, CC and myself found ourselves in a decent cafe late this morning, having a conversation over brunch.

One of the topics was about houses - what we're doing to our respective homes, house moves etc. and CC mentioned that she can literally hear her neighbour's alarm go off in the morning. CC is NOT a morning person, so this was reported as CRIME OF THE CENTURY. KfW2 admitted that she often wondered about her neighbours, despite never hearing them herself. She seemed a little cagey and I wasn't sure what she was getting at. CC did, though... or so she thought.

"You can hear them shag?" she offered.

"Yes... well, no... but we often wondered" she said, coyly.

I took that to mean that she often wondered if the neighbours could hear her having sex rather than the other way around. And it made me a little wistful. It brought back the frustrations of the Tinder bot, the Ideas Girl booty call rejection, my ongoing singleness and maybe, just maybe, a tinge of something about KfW2. On that last point, I might have posted about something similar before (late last year, maybe?), but this was less intense. It was fleeting. We were having a good time, there was no point in dwelling on that. Oh, and maybe a little jealousy that I haven't yet been able to have that dilemma myself?

We paid up and left. As I was travelling with CC, she dragged me into town for an hour or so, where I had the privilege of watching her do some shopping. I think I'd jokingly, to KfW2, referred to this as being the boyfriend without any of the benefits.

I had hoped that we'd stay out longer - find somewhere and sit for a couple of hours. I think KfW2 had thought this as well, but CC had other things to do and she can be a little selfish/single-minded at times. I should have suggested to KfW2 that we sit for an hour before she went home, but I didn't. A missed opportunity, when those opportunities are becoming less frequent.

Careful now.

KfW2 asked me if GM and SG were back as a couple after SG posted a few things on Facebook recently. I said that they were, that it had been confirmed in a chat a few days previously, but I thought it had been going on for around a month.

I also said that I didn't see it lasting - people don't tend to change (a lot) and SG has too many issues to sort out that were the cause of the original breakup. KfW2 also offered the opinion that she was surprised by the news as GM is not the type to go back. And she's right, he's not.

"SG's bonkers" I said.

"Careful," warned KfW2, "You nearly went there."

"I know, but I was never after a relationship." I didn't think I need to clarify that particular point though. I was open with KfW2 about what my intentions were with SG, and used her flakiness/being bonkers at the time as the reason I wasn't pursuing anything more than the physical.

But KfW2 seemed to have forgotten. She's done that a few times when it comes to SG. First of all, she was very much encouraging me to try to get with SG "to blow the cobwebs off", then a short while later it was "you can't just have sex with your friend". It's not like she's against casual sex, though I don't believe it's something she's done herself. Recently, she was encouraging me to sleep with Ideas Girl for the same reason, to "get back on the horse" and was surprised that I wasn't interested.