Relax

I've complained this year about a manager who is responsible for me. Things are going to come to a head once he gives me my performance review score. But it's not just me. KfW2 confided in me today that her current project is having a massive effect on her stress levels and her home life.

As she was telling me this in a phone call while I was at the office, I didn't get a chance to question her further. Home life? I know the project is a mess, partly in thanks to our boss who, in my opinion, is poor at his job. But it's not like the project is going badly... it could just go a lot smoother, be more efficient, be showing more results, if people who were paid to make decisions actually made decisions.

I don't want to write off KfW2's concerns. I know that in the recent past that she's had to address some mental health issues, and I suspect that this is at the back of her mind.

But I think she's worried that someone might think she's not doing her job (she is), and that stress is causing more stress.

KfW2 does seem to let things that MIGHT happen bother her more than they should.

Weird.

All day yesterday and most of today, I was in a weird mood. Not bad weird, but good weird... or possible just weird weird.

I was in great form that had more than a sense of excitement about it. Like the anticipation of a good night out, going on a date, going to a gig etc. But I didn't have anything to be excited about.

Nor was I coasting off the back of anything exciting. A work night out turned out to be a very middling "OK". The night out with FC, GM etc. was successfully avoided (which isn't hard to do when Whatsapp chat doesn't start until 5PM). Only Mrs FC said anything - she messaged me separately later in the evening to ensure I was OK.

And general things were poor - a suggestion to the same Whatsapp group about a trip to the cinema yielding one reply - a negative one from Mrs FC. GM, S and SG couldn't even muster a "no thanks". A similar text message to M has yet to result in any kind of reply as well.

So the excitement/good mood was borne of nothing, but lasted all yesterday and most of today. I've nothing, socially speaking, on the horizon for at least a few weeks.

Hello!

I needed more caffeine. That's how this day is going so far. Off I trundled to my local coffee shop for my second coffee of the day (you do not want to know how many shots of espresso that equates to).

Who was ahead of me in the queue? Quiet Girl! She was with some work colleagues. And... she seemed to be quite chatty with her colleagues. My presumption that she was quiet stems from no eye contact or recognition despite our paths crossing a few times, but she has always seemed quiet and timid to me. Anyone who knows the people where I live and work will know that this is an anomaly - we only need the vaguest interaction to be on at least nodding terms.

But, once again, no eye contact, though as her attention was taken by her colleagues, that's less of a surprise this time round.

What was this, though? Was that a glance backwards towards me as she left the shop?

Seeing Quiet Girl, and "paying attention" to her reminded me of a recent chat I'd had regarding preferences in physical traits. I'm not specifically a fan of breasts, ass, legs etc. Despite my admiration, for example, of CH's ample rack, I'm not instantly attracted to a girl simply because there are big tits on show. I like a figure that is in proportion. QG is slim, but still has a figure.

Ouch, my feet. (part 2)

Well, I was wrong. Far from getting a good night's sleep last night, I woke several times and seemingly didn't sleep well at all. I can't figure out why though.

Suffice to say, today will be mostly powered by coffee. I don't think my home town has enough to keep me going, but let's see.

Ouch, my feet.

My feet are killing me. It's my own fault. Due to some bizarre idea by our charities committee, we were due to do a sponsored walk type thing today.

And, to be fair, we did it. But I'd forgotten all about it this morning and arrived in work in my usual footwear - a pair of Adidas Sambas.

But, not wanting to let anyone down, off I went at the appointed hour. It's not that it was meant to be far - roughly 3 miles - and I can usually do that in my sleep, regardless of footwear.

But nearly immediately upon my arrival back at the office, one of my co-workers wanted a chat and, as it was lunchtime, off we went for another walk, to ensure privacy away from office ears.

And that turned out to be another couple of miles. Again, no real surprised as I do that most lunchtimes with no issues.

However, doing both together for a rough total of 5.5 miles in the Sambas has not done my feet any favours.

It did mean burning roughly 700 calories though... and I'll probably sleep well tonight to boot. Pun not intended.

Something or other.

Years ago, M and I went out for a few pints. It turned into a massive session, which wasn't unusual back in the day, but it was the timing that was important. It was a weekend close to Hallowe'en. As such, plenty of people were out in fancy dress.

One such person was a barmaid in one of the bars we were in. My memory might be playing games on me, but I think this was around the time that I'd had or had arranged the date with Date No. 1. We were discussing the fact that M had been on a date with her. Actually thinking about it, it must have been post-date as we were discussing our experiences.

Regardless, we asked the barmaid for her opinion about something online dating related and M took a shine to the barmaid, dressed as an air hostess. She was brought up in conversation, years afterwards, especially around Hallowe'en.

It's that time of year again. Mrs FC is talking about going out, but I gave it a miss last year. Yes, I like seeing girls in "sexy" fancy dress costumes, but because I don't dress up myself, I kinda feel a little out of touch, even with the people I'm with. There are no details beyond a vague understanding of a social gathering.

It was 2 years ago that SG told me she liked me in a way that I took to mean (and am still convinced meant) more than friends. While she was dressed in a fantastic Wonder Woman costume. And I walked off because I was apocalyptic-ally drunk.

I have a work thing to go to on Friday. IG will be there... and drunk... and I know what some of my friends would advise me to do. I'll likely be drunk myself, but I won't misbehave, but that alone could put a night out on Saturday in jeopardy.

Even with a clear head and energy, I'm not sure that I will go out on Saturday though. I did send M a text suggesting we head out for a pint soon.

Silence!

It was only a matter of time. I've blocked SG on Facebook... well blocked her nonsense from appearing in my feed. The first friend I think I've had to do that to.

Talking.

"You're fucking kidding me, really?"

That was FP's response when I told him that GM and SG were together again as a couple. He followed that up with:

"It's not gonna last."

He could be right. People don't tend to change too much, and SG has some serious issues going on that she needs to address if her and GM stand a chance.

We segued into talking about another female friend of GM, drawing comparisons between her and SG. In almost all areas, FP preferred GM's friend by a large margin. That's almost exactly what KfW2 said when we were talking about recent events, not just GM's reconciliation with SG. And I would tend to agree with them as well... certainly with regards non-physical traits, GM's friend wins hands down.

And somehow, from that topic, we got onto the topic of FA2. I don't think that FA2 was particularly popular in my circle of friends. They felt that she was overbearing and sometimes trying to score points in conversations. I can't say that the latter is correct, but she definitely had a big personality and could come over strongly. I think QC1 was quite intimidated by her, though QC1 was timid.

We also talked about BW and his somewhat offbeat way of thinking and S being in love with his best female friend, who just happens to be gay. And that's just a fraction of the conversation that FP and I had last night.

While we were in the pub, sat at the bar, I caught the eye of a girl at the other end. She was brunette and pretty, but it seemed like she was on a date. Or at least, she was with a bloke. We continued to catch each other's eye all night. She seemed kinda familiar - I presume it's someone I've spotted on one of the dating sites or apps - it's not someone I've come across in real life. The eye contact thing was weird if she was on a date, but it didn't seem to be a date. It didn't have that vibe about it. Unless it was a first date... or a bad date.

Sob

I thought I was in good shape. My shoulder pain had all but gone, bar a little bit of pain first thing in the morning and I was starting to think about getting back into yoga and doing the Freeletics.

Until I spent the evening wrestling and generally carrying-on with KfW2's kids.

On Saturday morning, my shoulder was in agony. Painkillers, freeze spray and not moving my arm about just about nullified the pain.

This morning, I'm back to how I was on Friday - perhaps slightly more sore.

I'm toying with going to see my GP. There seems to be something more serious than a general tweak of the shoulder.

Plans

So, after some recent interaction with CH, where I once again put out the offer to meet for drinks (albeit very tentatively) which prompted the usual response from CH these days - bare acknowledgement and a generic agreement that has no substance.

And then last night, whilst visiting KfW2, I got a notification from WhatsApp. FC had started a group chat with the express intention of arranging a night out. The difference with this one being that some people who've kinda faded away from our social circle are specifically invited to a night out (date and venue tbc). Included in the chat are S, GM, FC and myself from our usual circle of friends. Of those who dropped away, familiar names are GB and CH. There are a couple of others and I added KfW2.

CH has been vocal about coming out, using a tone that suggests she might actually follow through as well. But she's also thrown a grenade into proceedings, suggesting a non-weekend night explaining that hangovers and her kids are not a good mix. She's not wrong. Hangovers and any kids are not a good mix.

Still, it'll be interesting to see if this gets off the ground. And if partners show up - I would imagine it would be difficult to keep SG away from this.

Little things.

A while ago, during a day out with KfW2, I ended up taking loads of photos of her kids playing in the playground. As part of that, I also had a couple of group shots of KfW2 with her kids. She was really pleased that I'd done that, because she claimed she didn't have an awful lot of photos of her and the kids.

I knew that, which is why I'd "set up" the photo opportunities.

I was looking through my photos from the past few years at the start of the week and I came across the pictures. KfW2 has been having a really hard time of it recently. I'd seen it in her body language. So I decided that I'd get her a little present. Nothing extravagant, but personal. So I set the ball in motion.

A few days later, KfW2 actually opened up to me and explained what was going on.

On Thursday, all the pieces for the gift came together and I packaged them up. It was good timing as KfW2 was meant to call into my house on the way home on Friday.

So I presented it to her, and she was surprised and really chuffed. Throughout the night, she kept making comments about how she loved it.

I'm still concerned about KfW2 - a little gift and a reminder that I'm there for her is not going to solve her issues - but I know she appreciates the gesture.

Eyes forward.

There's a cute girl at work. I've mentioned her before - Quiet Girl.

She's foreign, thin, good figure and, as I've mentioned, cute. I just about know her name, though, and we've only ever interacted about three times over a couple of years. I dragged her onto the dance floor at one of our Christmas parties, I sat beside her on the bus for half an hour and tried to engage in conversation and she was hosting a stall at one of our internal HR fairs in work. I did actually, at one point, want to get to know her better.

And yet, every time we pass each other in the corridor or street, there's no acknowledgement. No nod and smile and more often than not, not even eye contact.

Weird.

Blast from the past.

Another night, another dream. I mean, I assume I dream most nights and can't remember most of them, and even those that I do remember are too dull or uninteresting to report or ponder.

Last night's was not one of them.

I had a friend at school. Well, lots of friends, but there was one in particular, a girl. I'll call her SJ. I don't remember how we got close, but we did... then I developed a huge crush on her, which you will be un-surprised to hear I never acted upon.

But there was something about her - her attitude towards life and our home town. If we were American, she'd have been "Most likely to travel the world" or something in our yearbook. She seemed a lot more worldly-wise than our other friends and while most of my peers were looking at attending local universities, she was looking further afield.

Things got complicated during our final year at school - she ended up dating two close friends of mine, one of whom knew about my crush. When the first of these "relationships" fell apart (he did not know about my crush), it was me she called, not any of her female friends. I never understood why. We were close but not, in my opinion, "the first person to call after a break up" close, especially given my relationship with her now ex.

After school, she left for university and pretty much disappeared. To the best of my knowledge, no one is in contact with her. The last people to see her were myself, AM and FP, separately. FP caught up with her in Belgium when he was passing through while we still at least knew where she was, a few months after leaving school. A year or so later, AM and I bumped into her and her sister at a theatre show in our home town and she seemed really distant and reluctant to chat.

And that was that. I don't think she's on social media - I have looked. I'm pretty certain that she's never returned (permanently) to her hometown.

And that leads me to the dream.

Somehow, after all this time, we managed to make contact with each other. At a reunion of sorts subsequent to contact being made again, our friendship was instantly reignited and we spent hours talking, almost ignoring everyone else in attendance. In the end, we slip off to another place, possibly another bar for privacy, where we continue to catch up on our lives since school. And, yes, that feeling is still there, but now I think she feels it too.

But before anything is done about that, the others find us and the party starts again. Around this time, the dream fades or I wake up.

Back in the real world, I'm feeling nostalgic and maybe a little melancholic?

And despite our last meeting, I want to meet her again.

Here we go again.

A few weeks ago, partly to placate a disappointed KfW2, I agreed to come to hers for an evening. It's not like it's a hardship - the personal time that KfW2 and I get alone these days is limited to minutes per month. The date I suggested was a few weeks away, due to some other commitments of mine.

That evening is rapidly approaching. Today, KfW2 confirmed again that it was indeed this weekend. I confirmed that it was.

Then, perhaps not unexpectedly, KfW2 suggest that her hubby's friend might come over. I've mentioned him before - he's one of Mr KfW2's closest and oldest friends, but I'm really unsure of what KfW2 thinks of him. He never seems to go to KfW2's unless I'm (or others are) there.

So, potentially, a couple of hours with KfW2 (and eventually her hubby when he comes home from work) has the friend added. While I've stated before that I have no strong feelings either way about the friend, I do feel that the time when he's there is less enjoyable.

And I still can't shake the feeling that KfW2 is "using" me as a buffer, to be able to say that she's had the friend at the house.

An idea.

I was digging through some photos earlier, to get a batch printed off for various uses including a couple for KfW2 and I came across a picture of E's sister. It was taken quite a few years ago, by me, when I had an idea about setting up ES with GM. I had met E and ES for a few drinks, while GM, FP and Mrs FP were due to come down later.

As luck would have it, E and ES left shortly before GM arrived.

But I still had it in my mind that it's something I'd do. In fact, I do remember telling GM that I had someone I wanted him to meet, but I never got the opportunity to arrange anything. He did seem open to the idea, though.

It's rare that I am massively confident about getting friends together, romantically. I can do it non-romantically... and have done it hundreds of times over the years. I think my hit rate for introducing friends is pretty damned good.

I was instrumental in CC getting a date with S, though that never went anywhere. I was honest with CC about GM, though I still told her to go for it, though nothing happened. But I was supremely confident that GM and ES would hit it off. Plus, y'know, it's not either of them are uggers.

A few months ago, when I saw ES posting a picture with Attractive Neighbour, I toyed with the idea that I might try that again, but time got away from me and GM and SG are back together again. For now.

What if?

I took CC out for brunch today. It wasn't strictly my idea - I'd have arranged a meal some weeknight, but CC was insistent on having breakfast. So, KfW2, CC and myself found ourselves in a decent cafe late this morning, having a conversation over brunch.

One of the topics was about houses - what we're doing to our respective homes, house moves etc. and CC mentioned that she can literally hear her neighbour's alarm go off in the morning. CC is NOT a morning person, so this was reported as CRIME OF THE CENTURY. KfW2 admitted that she often wondered about her neighbours, despite never hearing them herself. She seemed a little cagey and I wasn't sure what she was getting at. CC did, though... or so she thought.

"You can hear them shag?" she offered.

"Yes... well, no... but we often wondered" she said, coyly.

I took that to mean that she often wondered if the neighbours could hear her having sex rather than the other way around. And it made me a little wistful. It brought back the frustrations of the Tinder bot, the Ideas Girl booty call rejection, my ongoing singleness and maybe, just maybe, a tinge of something about KfW2. On that last point, I might have posted about something similar before (late last year, maybe?), but this was less intense. It was fleeting. We were having a good time, there was no point in dwelling on that. Oh, and maybe a little jealousy that I haven't yet been able to have that dilemma myself?

We paid up and left. As I was travelling with CC, she dragged me into town for an hour or so, where I had the privilege of watching her do some shopping. I think I'd jokingly, to KfW2, referred to this as being the boyfriend without any of the benefits.

I had hoped that we'd stay out longer - find somewhere and sit for a couple of hours. I think KfW2 had thought this as well, but CC had other things to do and she can be a little selfish/single-minded at times. I should have suggested to KfW2 that we sit for an hour before she went home, but I didn't. A missed opportunity, when those opportunities are becoming less frequent.

Careful now.

KfW2 asked me if GM and SG were back as a couple after SG posted a few things on Facebook recently. I said that they were, that it had been confirmed in a chat a few days previously, but I thought it had been going on for around a month.

I also said that I didn't see it lasting - people don't tend to change (a lot) and SG has too many issues to sort out that were the cause of the original breakup. KfW2 also offered the opinion that she was surprised by the news as GM is not the type to go back. And she's right, he's not.

"SG's bonkers" I said.

"Careful," warned KfW2, "You nearly went there."

"I know, but I was never after a relationship." I didn't think I need to clarify that particular point though. I was open with KfW2 about what my intentions were with SG, and used her flakiness/being bonkers at the time as the reason I wasn't pursuing anything more than the physical.

But KfW2 seemed to have forgotten. She's done that a few times when it comes to SG. First of all, she was very much encouraging me to try to get with SG "to blow the cobwebs off", then a short while later it was "you can't just have sex with your friend". It's not like she's against casual sex, though I don't believe it's something she's done herself. Recently, she was encouraging me to sleep with Ideas Girl for the same reason, to "get back on the horse" and was surprised that I wasn't interested.

Dreams

I've been having some weird dreams of late. This morning, I awoke to a half-remembered dream of travelling. Some of the finer details are lost on me, but I seemed to be travelling an Eastern European country of some description with two people I barely knew, though I can't remember who they are.

At the start of the week, on different days, I awoke to two similar dreams where I had been sharing a bed with CC and then Ideas Girl. While I don't remember the dreams themselves being erotic or sexual in nature, both women were naked under the covers, they got out of bed and left without saying a word. It's around here that my recollection of the dream fades/I wake up.

Confirmed.

So, it's been confirmed that GM and SG are an item again.

I can't see this ending well - they share lots of common interests and it's clear they do love one another, but SG's issues are not going to go away. Her jealousy, flakiness and other issues will come back to haunt them, I think.

However, it's not my place to say this. GM has already fallen out with long-term friends because they said after the first breakup that it was almost inevitable.

I'm somewhat surprised at GM. SG hurt him (possibly out of spite) during the breakup last time. That would have been a deal-breaker for me for any kind of romantic reconciliation.

Blast from the past.

While I was away travelling, FP and I spent a day lazing around the pool at his apartment. We talked about a fair few things, but rather surprisingly, out of the blue, FP started talking about the night I met RB. Quite quickly, it appeared that his recollection of the night was somewhat different to mine. He was (and possibly still is) convinced that RB and I disappeared quickly after starting to talk, and that we went back to hers for sex.

My recollection was that I was in the bar all night until we were kicked out by the bouncers and there was a little bit of complication going on. I also recall telling FP the story, albeit not in massive detail. But curiosity got the better of me, so I revisited this post, where I described the night in reasonable detail and I'm glad to say that my recollection of the night was pretty much as described on the post... albeit the sense of how much I wanted to fuck RB doesn't really come across. Perhaps that's just as well!

It's also nine years since that night. NINE! It seems like it's a year or so, tops.

Confused.

I messaged CH on Facebook to enquire about what I thought were a few cryptic messages, possibly with some hidden meaning. She replied and we began a conversation about life in general. It moved onto  our respective work lives. CH's career is going well and she's due for another promotion. But she wasn't doing badly in her previous place - often being very well recognised for a job well done at performance reviews. I mentioned that I was kinda unhappy with my lot. Not the actual work or the people I work with who sit beside me, but the recognition coming from my manager and the knock on effect that would have with bonuses and pay rises. And that was it. The conversation stopped.

It was asked why I used to put so much into getting CH out socially, and that's it. CH can talk for hours on all matter of topics when she's sitting across a table, but if you're trying to converse remotely via whichever method, then it dries up once it moves beyond small talk.

For all her posturing a few years ago about how much she trusted my judgement and advice, it's a real shame she never really reciprocated. She might have stopped speaking to me because of my criticism of her, but none of it was inaccurate and is true to this day, yesterday being further evidence of that.

For the record, the cryptic messages were explained as nothing but reminiscing about good times as she looked through her Facebook history. If it were me, I'd be trying to recreate those good times, if they really mean that much to her.