It's not often I say this, but...

I could fucking murder a ciggie. Two days on the sauce, a couple of weeks of shit from work and that all adds up to some ciggie-based stress relief.

Why email is bad...

Here's something I received by email:

This is should probably be taped to your bathroom mirror where one could read it everyday. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. You are special and unique.
8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

I mean, what sort of muppet sends this stuff out? At least 15 people love me in some way? Well, d'uh! Someone that I don't even know exists loves me? Is that meant to make me feel better? I'll tell you what would make me feel better... having this person kneeling naked in front of me. I'd be in better form then, for sure. I am special and unique. I know that too. I'm not some follow-the-crowd idiot. I do things my way (which, by the way, is the right way).

People who send this stuff out should be bloody well shot (or atleast have email access taken away from them).

A rant on human nature...

In previous posts, I've talked about the on-line pastime that I have. It takes up a lot less time than it used to, but that's only to be expected really. Most people start off intensively and then it fades away, just like any other aspect of life.

Anyway, within this on-line hobby, I have a position of some power. It's kind of a cross between an advisor, a customer service role and well, some kind of third example that I can't put my finger on. Sue me, it's Boxing day and I've spent all day drinking beers at my sister's house with my brother-in-law. However, you wouldn't believe the politics and back-stabbing that goes on around it.

I've made a name for myself as a no-nonsense character. I say what I mean and I say it in few words. Along the way, people have developed a somewhat irrational hatred of me for exactly that. Some people change their minds (I believe USHW once wanted to biff me for exactly the thing I've described above, but now only wants to boff me instead. That may or may not be true, but it makes a great pun.) and some carry petty little grudges for years based on a few click of a mouse on a website.

That kind of behaviour has raised it's head again recently and it's always disappointed to see. One fully grown man, possibly over fifty, spent hours recently trying to make the most obvious (though invalid) point possible, while trying to disguise his motives with practically no success in my opinion. It's funny because the person whose defence he has leapt to is one of the most disliked people on the site due to numerous mistakes over the last few years, but who keeps returning under different guises. So he's not actually defending this bloke, but rather using him as a reason to try and cause me inconvenience. It's not the first time either, but he obviously didn't learn his lesson last time when plenty of people called him on his inappropriate behaviour.

I guess it's easy for me to keep the moral higher ground because there are very few people involved in the online hobby that I would say that I disliked and most of those have ended up in my bad books because they've started some sort of personal crusade against me first. Even that old guy mentioned above, I don't really dislike. I just think it's incredibly sad that a grown man has to act like a teenager in being snidey in order to try and get one over someone else for reasons that have yet to be released. I certainly don't know why this man dislikes me.

A few years ago, USHW forwarded an email from another, similar, older guy who had ranted about me and made numerous unfounded accusations. I currently have dealings with a much older woman who is, quite frankly, a spiteful, hate filled cow. I'd go further and perhaps suggest that there's something not quite wired right, because her behaviour is extremely odd and inconsistent.

I don't know what it is with these people, but sometimes I just shake my head at life. I mean, I could easily make life easier for myself by either quitting my role or stopping the hobby, but I enjoy the hobby even though I'm not as active as I once was and my stupid stubbornness means that I won't give up my role... at least not quite yet.

The totty list... further additions.

I forgot to add Zooey Deschanel to the list.

Saves an otherwise horrid Will Ferrell movie in "Elf" and is brilliant as Trillian in "Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy".

And her sister Emily's not bad either!

Aaaaaaargh...

Yesterday, after carefully watching a project of mine in the real world, it was flagged that a phone number in the correspondence aspect of it was wrong... by three digits.

Six weeks worth of work ruined and all because some senior manager can't proof read, and now us lackeys are slaving, trying to recover the situation without causing too much inconvenience to the customers.

Yesterday and today have been nearly twelve hour working days, which is so not what I had planned for this week. I fancied some Xmas shopping (only one more to get), perhaps a few hours to write a few articles for my online hobby and general chilling out with perhaps a day off at the end of the week (and the rest of the year off, too).

Bollocks to that plan, then and my "I hate my job" mood is back. Once again the issue lies at the heart of our information supplying processes, not just to me, but across the board. Again I'm wondering if this is specific to my department, the company as a whole or even the entire industry. My "I hate my job" mood is purely down to the fact that I'm no good at this information hunting. I shouldn't have to do it anyway. If it's as bad elsewhere (company or industry) is there even any point in considering a transfer or new job? I guess I have some pondering to do at Xmas.

On the other hand, I found a few more pictures of V. Does that woman look bad in any photograph? It appears not. While there are several where she doesn't actually look as she does in real life, she's gorgeous in all of them.

I showed them to USHW which prompted a conversation about V again, albeit not particularly serious, but I am now in a "I miss V" mood. Still, chatting with USHW about V and sex is jolly good fun and a nice tonic to the frustrations of the past two days (and probably the rest of the week).

Ruuude's celeb totty list (additions)

Of course, Jessica Alba and Catherine Bell will take some beating at the top of Ruuude's totty list, but there are others out there that are more than worthy for inclusion.

• Jessica Alba
• Catherine Bell

Other girls I've mentioned on the blog so far:

• Sienna Guillory
• Lexa Doig
• Sarah Wayne Callies
• Nicole de Boer
• Keegan Connor Tracey

So, here are a few more that I've liked for a while. These aren't new additions from 2007, but just people I've never spoken about. (Too busy stalking making sure Jessica's OK, you see.)

• Ellie Crisell (she presents Newsround, or did the last time I saw it, and is wasted on kids' TV)

Facebook

USHW recently quizzed me about my love life. It was like being on Mastermind. "Tonight, your specialist subject is Ruuude's love life, from 2000 until 2007" It was fun. It's nice to reminisce sometimes, and USHW's Qs were a good way of doing it. That prompted me to trawl my Outlook contacts once again for more people to contact and names from my past that have somewhat unexpectedly popped up. FA2's name is there. I've no idea how long she's been a member, but thus far, she's yet to contact any of her so-called friends from the UK. Somehow, I doubt she will and that all ties have been cut (until the next time she wants something, that is.) K's name popped up too, but I already knew she was on Facebook. I'm toying with contacting her, but I know that F will laugh at me, as might USHW, given what happened before between K and myself. FA1's name is there and I will definitely contact her, either by email (likely) or by asking for friends on Facebook (not as likely). One name that popped up that was a complete surprise was the Finnish's girl's name from this post and this post. I'm not going to add her/contact her because she had that chance a few years ago and was throughly disinterested from the very start. She's prettier than I remember, too (though I was very, very drunk when chatting to her).

No title at this time

I used to really, really fancy QC2. She was an ex co-worker of mine from a job I had probably about 13 years ago. QC2 was Jessica Alba before Jessica Alba was old enough to be attractive to men. QC2 was brunette, an almost perfect size 10, fantastic arse in a pair of Levis (blue or black), a sarcastic sense of humour with an edge to it and she was gorgeous. There are many, many similarities between QC2 and Jessica Alba, physically speaking. Jessica's better looking with a body only too much time at the gym can provide, but if there ever was a real world copy, then QC2 is it.

I think she knew that I really liked her, but there was never anything in it from her perspective. As these things tend to go with me, the non-platonic feeling soon gave way to platonic feeling and QC2 is a girl I'm quite fond of. I'm sure an element of the non-platonic stuff still exists in some minute fragment but ignoring that, she's someone I feel extremely comfortable with. I would have no hesitation in talking to her about my ambiguous feelings regarding E, for example. Or my frustration at the recent Kiwi Girl events. However, for some reason, I'm not entirely comfortable just saying it out loud. It kinda sounds like bragging and I don't have the skills to bring it up in conversation without it sounding like a boast ("See me, I pulled a stunning blonde Kiwi Girl last week!"). If someone raises a subject, I'll talk about it. If not, I talk around subjects. That's why I prefer people to ask me direct questions, I think. It certainly gave rise to USHW's list of Qs that she asks sometimes.

I was out with QC2 tonight and rather than just voice the remaining frustrations I have regarding the Kiwi Girl situation, all I could do was hint at it and hope she asked the questions. So, rather predictably, I skirted around the issue. QC2's usually quite intuitive and picks up on these weird foibles of mine, but tonight she was a little off (for no reason that I could ascertain). Maybe it's because we've not seen each other in well over a year. That'd be my guess.

Irrespective of my own weirdness, I had a thoroughly enjoyable couple of hours in QC2's company. Part of it is probably sue to that remaining non-platonic core that I have, but QC2 is simply good company. We've agreed that it's something we should do far more of and have tentative plans to arrange a night out some time and a different night out to visit a mutual friend of ours (AM) that we've both neglected far too much recently. This probably won't be until after the holiday season, but I'm looking forward to these nights already.

You have to wonder...

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine and myself were talking about our relative singleness. He's quite annoyed by his, I'm indifferent to mine, but we kinda agreed to be more proactive about meeting girls.

I followed this up by attracting Kiwi Girl last weekend and last night, who did I see in the bar? None other than Pretty Blonde! Well, I've often said that if I saw her out, away from a work's bash, I'd do something about it. Last night, I did nothing apart from catch her eye a few times. Why? Well, I wasn't out with mates last night, it was a work's night out (not one of the usual, regular nights out, but a smaller, team night out).

Bugger.

There was a flicker of interest still there, I think, though it doesn't seem to be as strong as it used to be. Who knows why? There are loads of reasons, but it's pointless trying to guess what they might be.

Well...

I wasn't as preoccupied today. Partly because I was so busy, but also because the disappointment of the weekend was bound to fade sooner rather than later. I do wish I could see Kiwi Girl again, but the odds of that happening are extremely slim... probably less likely than winning the lottery? Who knows? I wouldn't mind winning the lottery either!

In other news, V accepted my friendship on Facebook! Wow! I really didn't think that would ever happen. All I have to do now is strike up a conversation.

The weekend... the aftermath.

Today has been weird. I've been preoccupied all day. Part of it is, I think, my recovery from the weekend's excesses and a lack of concentration due to quite severe dehydration. However, a large part of it is my continued disappointment at not getting contact details from the Kiwi girl and the fact she lives in London (so it's not as if I'm going to see her again). It's… frustrating, I guess. I think that's a sad reflection of my social life these days when she's easily the best prospect for a girlfriend I've met in a while… years, maybe.

On a brighter note, I was in contact with AM today, which was nice as we've not spoken properly in ages and I've arranged a night out with QC2 for early next week. I'm looking forward to that because I'm very fond of QC2 and, like the Kiwi girl, I find it very easy to talk to her. I'm sure she'll want to hear about Kiwi girl. She's probably not alone, either. There are a few female friends out there that are very interested in my love life. I'm sure they'll get the story eventually though.

Just my luck

There's a lot to talk about, but I really don't have the time or mental capacity right now to cover it all in detail, so I'm going to stick with a small part of the weekend.

While out in a pub on other business, FP got talking to a girl and her friend. He looked in need of rescue, so I made myself available and was introduced. These were two girls from New Zealand who were in the city on a weekend trip. I called across a mate of mine who's also from New Zealand and we all got talking. FP managed to slip away, and I ended up talking to the friend.

She was gorgeous – blonde, about 5' 4" and, probably the most important factor as far as I'm concerned, she was extremely easy to talk to. I've never been verbose and I'm absolutely useless at (amongst other things) making small talk. However, it was really easy with this girl and it became apparent very early on that this was more than just idle pub chat. There was a spark of something more there.

Usually when I realise that, I fall apart, especially in front of an audience, and there was an audience of about fifteen blokes that knew me in some shape or form. I've rarely pulled in those situations mainly down to "stage fright" and the fact this obsession with my own privacy means I don't want people to know what I'm up to.

Anyway, this time, I didn't bottle it and we chatted until kicking out time. As we were drinking in the busiest area of the city for taxis, FP and I suggested that it would be quicker for the girls to walk to their hotel and we'd accompany them if they wanted. They did, so we started walking. The other guys went elsewhere while we walked the girls back to their hotel. On the way we continued our chat while FP kept the other girl a discrete distance away.

Back at the girls' hotel, we chatted for a few more minutes before they left. I got a great, lingering hug (she seemed very reluctant to let go) that might have gone further had her friend not pulled her away to retire for the evening. FP and I sat on for a few more minutes then grabbed a taxi home each.

I had really enjoyed her company and found her interesting. Although she lives in London, I really wanted to get contact details from her, just to see if we could keep in contact, but it was something I never thought about until after she had gone. I had considered leaving my number behind reception for her, but as I only knew her first name, I really couldn't do it.

I'm really disappointed that we couldn't take things further or that I didn't get contact details because she's the most promising girl I've met in a long time (even more so than PB or Lickable Girl).

This weekend...

Big stag night in my home town. I'm not usually a big fan of home town stag weekends, but this one's slightly different in that the guy is coming here as he used to live here. He now lives in London with his lovely fiancé, so all the guys we went to school with are coming home for the weekend with a few other punters in tow.

I'll be very, very drunk, but I'm looking forward to it.

...and about time, too!

With my planned trip to see E next year, I had another look at my finances because, despite being quite good earlier in the year, I still had some outstanding loose ends.

I did switch bank account, but my old ones are still active with at least one direct debit still coming out and I still have three credit cards, with varying levels of debt on them (small, medium and large). However, I've swapped some money around and my old savings account is ready to close as I've transferred all my money out of it into my old current account. That's cleared the small overdraft I had and the remaining amount should pretty much clear the entire balance of the credit card with the medium balance on it. That should rid me of all my obligations to my old bank, meaning the only things I have to look at are the two remaining credit cards and my old student loan. The loan can wait a little as the credit cards do require a bit of attention... at the very least consolidation into one 0% credit card that'll help reduce that. The student loan can be deferred for another year while I beat a big hole into the credit cards.

V watch

Lord knows how many weeks, but still no acceptance.

Bugger.

Time flies

I suddenly realised today that I never got around to heading out for that drink with QC2 in September. She was busy at the time and I've been busy since, so we've just not managed to arrange it.

Now that I've thought about that, I really do want to see her. I'll drop her an email tomorrow if I get some downtime in work.

Sat nite

I was out in the pub with FP last night and his new mates. I say "new", because these guys (one in particular) have crawled out of the woodwork within the last few months and by Christ, if FP doesn't bend over backwards to accommodate them. It's these guys that usually don't make decisions about pubbing until it's too late to go out (and then the arrangements have to filter back through FP to me, so it could be FP that's the bottleneck), plus the fact that FP seems so insistent on letting them call the tunes. Actually, I did have to chase FP for the info at 8PM, and he was able to give me an answer. Maybe it is FP that's the trouble here?

Anyway, to be honest, I don't know if I like FP's mate or not (wide boy character mentioned in other posts). Most of the time, he's sound enough, but he's not the type of bloke I usually hang around with. Even with my current barren spell, I'm not as desperate for a shag as this guy is. When in the pub, his entire focus is on girls. It's unbelievable and, well, off-putting.

However, I did have a good time on Saturday night. Myself and FP split from the crowd early on and found a corner to stand in and watch the totty and hen nights in the V.I.P. area of the pub (this is where FP's female infatuated mate comes in handy). There were some stunners there too, and while there was a bit of banter with a small group of girls, that's all it was going to be. None of the girls took my fancy (apart from one, who was gorgeous, but I was just "meh" about it. I can't really explain it), so having a laugh with them was a good enough result.

Yet another post about how useless FP can be.

I changed my mind. I just fancied getting out of the house for a few hours, so a couple of pints would have fit the bill nicely. I also have some stuff for FP and I owe him a few quid, too. I could have squared all that with him tonight.

Apart from a brief message in the middle of the afternoon which was ambiguous, I heard nothing until 7:45 PM. He's heading to the pub for 8:30 PM. 45 minutes notice. 45 minutes!

That could only mean one thing... once again, his suggestion for beers wasn't aimed at me, but rather I was tagging along with his cronies and only given notice once everything was sorted and I really just couldn't be arsed tonight. While they're both harmless, one of the guys just seems to be a bit sleazy, despite the fact his fiancé is lovely and an absolute stunner and the other guy is just this wide boy character who, like FP, often feels the need to dictate what happens on a night out. I'm just not in the mood for either of them tonight, especially having to get showered, changed and intothe city in 45 minutes. It's do-able, but ultimately too much effort or something I have no control over.

Looks like it's "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" on Channel 4 at 9 PM then!

Obvious, really.

FP's not in the mood for pubbing in the city tonight.

He's suggested tomorrow night instead, but I've got three really big days in work next week plus I'm already out with an old uni mate on Monday before he emigrates at the end of the year.

I've decided not to arrange anything for tomorrow. I might change my mind, but I'll deal with that tomorrow.

Who'd a thunk it?

Message from FP: his possible arrangements have fallen through, so he is available for the pub, but he doesn't know if he's in the mood. He'll get back to me in about an hour.

Socialising

It's the weekend!

With any luck, FP will agree to come out tomorrow night for beers.

He's provisionally agreed, but I've posted before about FP's organisation when it comes to going to the pub.

Let's see what happens, eh?

A work related post

It's getting to that time where we're looking towards our Xmas bash. Unlike most companies, we don't really go in for that individual team/department sorting themselves out kind of thing. We actually do a huge umbrella Xmas bash for all 1500 employees which, for the most part, ends up being good fun with plenty of opportunity to stare at co-worker totty that gets dressed up in posh dresses and looks jolly nice. My current team are a bunch of miserable buggers though. We're a team of twelve (not including the boss) and how many are going to the Xmas bash? Three. The people in my team just aren't interested in socialising. SSCW had expressed an interest in going, but has yet to say anything and the arrangements are 99% made, so if she changes her mind next week, it'll probably be too late. Pity! While there's absolutely nothing going on there, (and nothing ever will) we have a good laugh together and she's quite pretty. Having her at the Christmas bash would be nice, if only because it would stop us from sitting at a table full of blokes. Plus I bet she looks great when she scrubs up.

Further updates...

Still nothing from V, unsurprisingly. It's been a fair amount of time since my last friend request (I can't remember offhand exactly how long), but I've checked and it still says "Friend requested", so my guess is that she hasn't yet ignored the request.

Facebook is a fucking disaster at times though (I keep getting alerts because people write on my SuperFunWall, but I don't fucking have one).

Still, I'm feeling slightly upbeat about it... plus it would be great if I got sent abroad again because it would be nice to spend some time with people that aren't my work colleagues and if that's a good looking, sexy woman, well, all the better.

Yay!

After months of trying, I've finally managed to get my wireless card on my laptop to work successfully with Kubuntu. In the end I had to upgrade totally to a newer version which still required some tweaking, but once I knew the card was working properly in Kubuntu, I was confident in fiddling with the settings until I got it working again.

Go me!

Is it too much to ask?

I know that I often bemoan my lack of social life on this blog and that's true. It's often far too quiet for my liking, but today's moaning is more about FP.

He messaged me earlier, around 7 PM, and asked if I was interested in heading out to the pub tonight. I mentioned that I was interested, thinking that he was referring to just him and me. Sadly, he wasn't. What that usually means is that his cronies do all the organising, leaving me without a voice. Later, around 8 PM, he sent another message indicating that it might be 2130 before we were heading out. It was 9:05 PM before I got final confirmation that the plans were definite and FP was heading out.

By that time I wasn't in the mood for it, much less running around at 9PM trying to get showered and ready to head out.

It would be nice if FP and his cronies could actually come to their arrangements early enough to give enough time for people (i.e. me) to get ready. Twenty minutes notice at 9 PM. Bloody hell.

coincidences

Sometimes, the strangest co-incidences just happen. Earlier in the week, while walking home with a co-worker, the subject of V was raised. It was weird because apart from to USHW, A and E to a certain extent (and on here, obviously), I've not mentioned her.

But, the subject was raised, and I talked a little about her. I never mentioned to my colleague that I had contact details for her or that she had a presence on Facebook or that I am still interested, even after three years, of pursuing a friendship (or more) with her.

It's times like this that I do miss people. The odd reminiscing isn't helpful to me at all... it often just lets the desire resurface. That's not just aimed towards women I am/was attracted to, but just any past incidences.

Grrrrrr...

I got an unexpected "Friend request" on Facebook today, but it was who I'd hoped it would be (V, obviously), but rather some loser I've never spoken to in my life. Grrrr...

Another weekend down...

I was at a wedding at the weekend. To be honest, despite the fact that it was a friend's wedding, I wasn't entirely sure about going. My friend, BW, has a habit of pissing me (and others) off. It's not that he does it on purpose, but he's prone to doing extremely weird things that most normal people wouldn't do. He also has a habit of being quite selfish and demanding without putting in the work himself.

So, despite the expense and time involved, I decided to head across with FP. It turned out to be a great night. I met up with some old friends and met the new girlfriends, both of whom were lovely. I wish I'd taken more photos, but apart from that, there wasn't much wrong. The wedding itself was a little weird, which we were expecting because of BW's decision making. As a brief example, he named his brother as his best man, but the best man's speech contained about three short stories relating to the groom and the rest of the fifteen minute plus speech was all waffle. BW's brother was never in a position to offer the kind of speech and stories that a close friend could have.

I was kinda hoping to be able to grab some time with F on my way home as I was flying from an airport close to where she lives, but it wasn't to be. It actually turned out that she was about 20 minutes drive away from me for the entire weekend. D'oh.

:S [It's a smilie...]

The problem I have with E is that she's hard to read. The main issue is the lack of physical contact which means that it can be hard to gauge how close we are. I have a similar problem with QC2, but strangely, while we're not as close as E and I are, I know exactly where QC2 and I stand.

I know that we're not tactile (I hug and kiss loads of my platonic female friends, but not QC2... or E to a certain extent) and most of the time, QC2 and I only skim the surfaces of our private lives (though admittedly, E and I do share a little more than that), though I do have a good idea of where QC2 and I stand, it's harder to tell the same about E and myself.

Tonight, we met as planned. I had a fantastic night, as I usually do with E, but when we called it quits at the end of the night, that was it. It was pretty much exactly like our parting last year (see this post) which was left just as if I would see her tomorrow as a normal routine.

When she first came home and we met up, she was very open - a huge hug and she tilted her head sideways, almost demanding a platonic kiss (I obliged), but tonight was nearly the opposite. Not closed off entirely, but certainly not expecting anything or open to any physical signs of affection. Girls are weird. Perhaps it's just E?

It's no wonder I'm single... I don't understand women at all!

Yay!

I was in contact with E today and we've provisionally arranged to meet tomorrow. She'll get back to me tomorrow about the exact time, though I'm hoping for a time quite close to 5 PM which will give us time to grab something to eat and hit the pub.

She first suggested a later time, because she's busy during the day, but I want to maximise the time we have before she returns home at the end of the week.

I should try and get hold of QC2 because, after our prolonged email chat at the start of September, things went quiet until she completed her college work, which should be done by now.

Misc.

Over the past few days, things have been up and down, socially speaking. Friday, I managed to get out for a few drinks with FP after a terrible day at work involving a new guy. It's not that he doesn't know his stuff, but rather he's clueless about doing stuff himself and requires constant attention.

There were plans for beers last night, but these were cancelled when FP decided he'd had too heavy a night on Friday, not getting back to his place until nearly dawn.

Next week is a short work week for me. I'm off from Friday until the Tuesday to go to a wedding out of town (BW's). It's near to where F lives, so I might be able to catch her for a quick drink on Sunday if things go according to plan. I'll probably hold off on contacting her about it until things become clearer as I hate making semi-arrangements and then cancelling them. I'll be travelling with others, so they'll have to be considered too. It'll probably be last minute, but we'll see.

E's not been in contact since out last night out, which is strange as I had thought for sure she'd be interested in meeting again. I've left a couple of text messages, so I'm in no doubt she'll get back to me soon. She returns home on the 29th, I think, so there's not much time to see her and there's a couple of things I'd like to chat to her about, too. I can do that via email though, it's nothing so important that face to face contact is required.

I've been redecorating!

Can't you tell?

I've been after a snazzy three column layout for my blog for ages. With so much information to display, having only two columns centralised in the middle was a drastic waste of screen space, especially with labels, previous posts, favourite links etc.

I've only just uploaded this new one, so I've not yet added some stuff (links and whatnot), but I kind of like this one and can't see any need to do anything major on it.

What do you think?

Yin and yang.

So after the day with E, the subsequent relaxing recovery day, today was back to work.

It was quite good, actually. Sarah Silverman co-worker came over for a chat, interrogating me about my absence. Like plenty of women, when she heard I was out and about with E, her gossip radar picked up and when she asked if we were an item (or had any history of being an item or any intentions of being an item) I, of course, answered in the negative.

Either way, it's nice to actually sit down and chat to SSCW (as she will be known from now on) and I wish it was something we could do more often. I think she likes me, as opposed to being someone she works with, because the people she sits around aren't the type for conversations, instead burying themselves in their work. With me, she gets a bit of banter and I think she enjoys that.

While out and about at lunchtime, I spotted Pretty Blonde. It's been months since I realised she'd left our employer, but possibly longer since she had actually left. It was the same old story, mind you. Eye contact, something that might have been a spark of interest ( it could just as easily been recognition), though I was with a co-worker, so no chance of striking up a conversation. My stance remains... if I see her in a bar when I'm out with mates rather than co-workers, I'll talk to her. Actually, I guess the same would apply to Lickable Girl, too.

A very pleasant day

Despite the fact that E wasn't feeling particularly well, we still managed to have a great day. Well, I did. Obviously, I can't speak for E, but I'm guessing she did.

We met for lunch and spent the afternoon in a couple of bars, having a chat, a couple of drinks and playing some pool. To end the afternoon, we hit a few travel agents, getting quotes for flights with the plan that I might go visit E next year. Things were looking good on that front, too. E wants to take some time off to see a bit of the country and I wanted E to accompany me when travelling because I don't really like travelling alone. These kinds of experiences are best shared, I feel. So, a tentative agreement was put in place regarding that. Finer details will still need to be hammered out (specific dates, how much time E will take off from work etc.) and they probably can't be finalised until she returns home next month.

I can start having a look at various things though, which might be good for me in general by giving me something to do in my spare time (research) and also give me something to plan for (incentive to sort out the last of my finance stuff) and something to look forward to (general morale/mood boosting).

I suggested we might perhaps see each other again before she goes home, E's time and commitments permitting, od course. She was very keen to do so, which is good and again rams home how poor a friend FA2 is, despite her claims to the contrary.

The only potential spanner in the works is that I might be sent abroad by work again as they're introducing a few new policies, one of which is to present a more personal fce to our clients. That will require a permanent presence at our client's HQ and will probably require rotation of staff from our department to be on site as much as possible throughout the year.

That's not a huge disaster though as I am fairly flexible, as is E. As long as work tells me early enough (they have a habit of leaving it until the last minute and the last time this happened, I was given less than a week's notice, three days after joining the company).

Girls (and not in a good way!)

E coming home this week brings up an interesting parallel with the break down of my relationship with FA2.

The thing with FA2 is that when she was coming home, we were essentially over as a couple. She'd been shacked up with some bloke for a few months having assumed our relationship was over, whereas I had assumed we were still an item, having missed the signs that things had changed. I managed to stumble upon this by accident a few months before her scheduled return. Pity she never told me... I missed out on a guaranteed fuck with FBS because I thought we were still together and FBS has pretty much laid it out on a plate.

So, we chatted about this on the phone, and from what I could tell, she had a lot of thinking to do and we had a lot of talking to do. I had thought, from this, that we'd spend some time together when she came home to sort things out, not just once, but probably a couple of times. In fact, I did ask for this, but met with point blank refusal each time.

When she did come home, I saw her for about four hours one night where we did do a lot of talking and were later joined by a few friends. She ended up kissing me (she initiated it all) before disappearing an hour or so later, then fell off the map for the next three weeks that she was in the UK, also failing to appear at various mutual friends houses and generally being incommunicado and then trotting off back to the other side of the planet.

We did meet a few years after that and were on friendly terms, putting the angsty stuff behind us.

Note also that FA2 was back in the UK this year for a couple of months and was even in her home city, yet what did I get? A night out with a couple of drinks? Nope. A long phone call with a good chat? Nope. An email, swapping news? Nope. I got fuck all squared. That's FA2 for you.

Compare this to E, a friend, who's home for a shorter period of time than FA2 was, but not only asked to spend some time with me, actually went out of her way to make sure we got a lot of time to spend together. We've only got one day together, but it's the entire day!

Facebook

After swapping a few messages with USHW, I've requested friendship with V again on Facebook.

After all the moaning I've done and pretty much giving up on her, I was reluctant to actually click the link (again), but swapping stories with USHW about who's in our friends list and the fact I wasn't 100% certain I'd actually requested friendship before made me change my mind.

Let's see what happens now.

FHM's High Street Honeys 2007

Following on from this post I've got my hands on this year's first shortlist for the High Street Honeys award.

How will the ladies take my eye this year? As with last year, those that took my eye immediately were 'green', those that I wasn't attracted to were 'red' and the others were 'orange'.

Green: 34
Orange: 39
Red: 27

And just for the record, here's the 'green list:

FHM# Name
1 Catrin Birkby
3 Eloise Pickering
4 Jess Chandler
10 Clair Meek
17 Gemma Roddy
20 Laura Perry
22 Louise Pickford
25 Nicola Gates
29 Sarah Hoyle
30 Vicky McGovern
31 Melissa Cameron
32 Hannah Kiernan
33 Angelina Miele
39 Becky Robertson
41 Emma Durnell
45 Amanda Carrington
46 Heather Weir
47 Felicity Lawrence
48 Lisa Berrecloth
49 Tricia Passam
51 Juliet Kendall
54 Katie Green
57 Kelly Nixon
58 Hana Bentham
60 Emma Buchan
62 Gemma Freeman
69 Leah Bramley
71 Sara Doherty
74 Lindsey Cole
77 Vicky Jane
84 Kerry-Ann Booth
92 Katie Ingram
94 Paula Gallacher
98 Francesca Nicolosi

Sunday, Sunday...

I contacted E last night as planned and got a quick reply. We've confirmed the dates, so I can book the time out when I get into the office tomorrow. We didn't swap any news or whatever, but that's fairly pointless as we're meeting up in 10 day's time and can swap news all day long.

I'm really looking forward to that!

Some of my other friends could take a leaf out of E's book regarding contact.

Hmmm...

I've not been in contact with E recently, which is a shame. Not just because I miss her and I like talking to her, but also because she's due home sometime soon and we've yet to nail some dates down to meet up.

It's too late to text her now, but I'll save a message in my phone and send it later this evening when she's liable to out of bed.

Expletive

So FP didn't get back to me at all a few days ago, which is annoying. As with any arrangements made with FP, I don't set much faith in them unless they're confirmed with venues, times and attendees, so it's not as if I was hanging around waiting on him or anytihng.

Still, just to keep the trend going, QC1 managed to let me down spectacularly yesterday. Despite having tentative plans for tonight in place for well over a week now and an email just to confirm sent on Thursday, I was given a text message yesterday at 10 AM asking if we could change the plans to last night at 5 PM. Sorry, QC1, but no can do. I am fairly flexible, but even that's too short notice for me. Grrr... Who knows when we'll next see each other, it's not as if we meet up regularly or anything.

Anyway, that cleared tonight's schedule for FP and I to head out. Supposedly. FP has agreed in principle, but whether this translates to us hitting a pub this evening remains to be seen. I fully expect a decision to be made around 8 PM, last minute as per usual, not the 6PM (ish) that any normal person would choose to make a decision so that others could plan their evenings...

...I've gotta wear shades

I've managed to grab a last minute day off on Friday, making this week that much shorter. In truth, though, it's been a good week. I've been busy doing lots of little things, mainly tying up loose ends from other projects and prepping another one to go live in a fortnight or so's time.

I've sent FP a message asking for beers tomorrow night. Knowing FP, he'll reply tomorrow at half-eight crying off, if he replies at all.

New Baby Needs

I was bored, so I changed the template.

I'm not sure I like this new Blogger template stuff. I want to be able to have columns of stuff on both sides of the main blog, but Bloggers new templating system doesn't easily allow for that.

This'll do for the meantime until I find something I like better (probably not difficult) or I find out how to create a three column blog.

Tiki Bar!

In my continuing quest to find interesting and entertaining podcasts to make my tough days in work go a little smoother (and quicker), I came across the Tiki Bar video podcast. I've been watching it for ages now and the episodes are a little irregular, but it's worth subscribing.

If you know of any other podcasts (audio or video), then drop me a line!

Subjects that might interest me are:
Entertainment (e.g Tiki Bar)
Technology (e.g. GeekBrief)
Soccer (The Guardian podcast)

I am also interested in Travel, Films, Music and probably other stuff that I can't be arsed listing.

and the beat goes on

Work has, once again, transpired to heap stress-inducing situations upon me at a time where thing seemed to be going OK for a change.

I have two projects which are going live this week, though they haven't gone through all the internal procedures we're meant to put them through. Ordinarily, we just move them, but a fuck up from a few weeks ago means that people are a little more wary about doing this. So, I emailed a few people today asking if they could postpone stuff by a week, but the grief I got in return for what was a simple, non-binding request was unreal.

What was even more disconcerting was that one of the projects doesn't even look as if it was tested, so going live before the end of the week will be impossible. This is my boss's responsibility, but he's away doing some kind of accreditation bollocks that's meant to avoid exactly this type of situation. *insert huge sigh here*

I've said before that I don't stress easily, and I don't, but this job just keeps firing these situations at me until it does get to a point where I just want to go postal. There I was all nice and calm and nearly immediately, my stress levels are much higher because while it's not my fault, while my boss is away, it's my responsibility and I really don't have the power to make any big decisions if things are FUBAR.

Still, I have potential beers on Friday to look forward to and definite beers on Saturday with old work chums.

Things that would help right now with my stress levels, but I don't have access to are:

• A long hot bath
• A massage
• Oral relief
• A shag
• A prolonged holiday
• A lottery win so I don't have to go back to work
  

Three years!

It's almost three years to the very second that I first met V.

Weird how these things pop into your mind, isn't it? Despite the fact it was in a different time zone, three years ago, I can still remember it clearly.

Obviously things have since gone tits up with that particular friendship, but it was nice to reminisce for five minutes.

More Facebook

QC1 has joined Facebook and added me as a friend. It's not particularly newsworthy, I know, but there you go. I didn't think she was the kind of person to get involved with internet-y stuff like that. Maybe it means I'll see more of her, so that'd be good.

I'm still in email contact with QC2, though it has slowed a bit recently. We've still not sorted out a "date" as yet, but her college work needs to be completed by the last week of the month, so I'm sure we'll sort something out for after that.

Ooooooh.

Anna Faris in "My Super Ex-Girlfriend". Not only is she cute (for a blonde), but her character's personality is... compatible. *grin*

Oh, and for the first time in ages (or even ever?), Uma Thurman wasn't the most attractive girl in the film! *gasp* 

...

Sometimes I feel that I should stop posting here. I never seem to have anything really positive and happy to talk about, and just end up complaining about my job, my social life and my love life (and lack thereof).

I don't think it's an accurate reflection of my life or even my mental state... For the majority of time, I'm usually quite happy, though I am starting to get a little concerned about how much my current job is starting to annoy me. It's a combination of a few factors: my boss being a twat (not to me, but just in general), our workload (I'm juggling far too much at once) and our working practices (our procedures are woefully inadequate for the amount of work we juggle).

What it means to me is that I'm constantly on edge. I have deliverables pretty much every week in some shape or form and I'm running around to the very last second getting everything in place, only to repeat this a couple of times per week.

The actual work, I can handle, I think. I'm still relatively inexperienced, but the work itself is something I believe I can do. Where I struggle is the juggling of the work. My time management is usually pretty good, but my/our boss always ends up loading us with too much work meaning that the administration side of things (including preparation of deliverables) is never accounted for. If my boss has a project that's estimated at 75 hours worth of work, he'll give me a fortnight to do it (out working week is 37.5 hours), despite the fact I might already be juggling two or three other things that will eat into that time. I'm also not great at "switching" from one project to another. I prefer to work on one thing at a time. Spending an hour here and an hour there doesn't suit me at all... I'm not good at that.

I had to take a few days off this week. I was supposed to do it a few weeks ago, but an error in work meant I had to cancel the time off and go into the office to sort it out. I was at the end of my tether on Wednesday, having already worked over 32 hours on the first three days this week, only for something to go wrong with one of my projects (not my fault, but still my responsibility) late on Wednesday. I informed my boss that I'd need advice, only for him to leave the office five minutes later without resolution. Bastard. In the end, myself and Sarah Silverman co-worker ended up making a decision to pull the project temporarily until I return to work on Monday.

So for the first time in almost three years, I'm seriously considering looking for work elsewhere. I don't know if I can continue to do what I'm doing at the moment and I'm unsure if this job (software development) is as ad-hoc in other companies as it is in my place of work. If it is, I doubt I could cope there either. While I don't stress easily, I don't have the patience to run around, catching errors on the fly when there should be complete procedures in paper form for the running of the team (but again, our boss doesn't give us time to put these together, preferring to load us with project work instead). I'm not in a position to move elsewhere in the company because we're tied into our team for a period of time when we move from another team and my time's not up until this time next year (ish).

Let's see what the next few weeks bring...

yet more whinging!

Later this week, I'm taking a few days off work. These are days I should have taken last month, but never got around to because stuff came up at work and I had to go into the office. Now, with two days to go, a project is behind schedule and I need to get it on schedule by Wednesday night which is going to take a lot of work and probably two long days tomorrow and Wednesday.

It's kinda due to a lack of knowledge on my part, but also to do with a lack of centralised knowledge and training which I've been suggesting to the boss for months now. it makes is harder for us to do our jobs effectively and efficiently, but also makes it harder to integrate new people into our team.

I will get this project back on schedule and I will get my two days off.

I'm looking forward to them, but more importantly right now, I think I need them.

Future plans

The next few months are going to be busy, in a good way. E's coming home for a week soon ( we were chatting last night) and we've already made tentative arrangements to meet up. With any luck, I'll have her company for a whole day and evening (contrast that with FA2 who travelled from the same place, stayed for a couple of months and didn't even call while she was in the country). During that time, I plan to set down my plans to visit her, which will call on her to make some time available to do some travelling. I think she'll be up for the idea in principle, but she's already taking a load of holidays to come home, plus some family is returning with her for a while. That could well eat into any holiday time she has planned for the next few months at least.

If she can't or won't spend the time, I'm not sure I'll do the travelling. I'm not throwing my toys out of the pram or anything, but I prefer travelling with others. The act of sharing the experiences make the experiences worthwhile. I enjoyed my time in NZ when I was there a few years ago, but then entire adventure would have been so much better from my perspective had I been sharing it with at least one other person. E would understand, and hopefully, she'll be in agreement when she's home. We can spend the next few months deciding exactly where to go, what to do and what to see. That in itself will be fun.

Roundup

Work's so-so at the moment. I'm in the middle of a huge project which was going fairly well, but the last few days have seen some hiccups. I don't think they're my fault (I've double and triple-checked everything that I can), but that doesn't stop me from being concerned about the issues, especially as I've already made one fairly large mistake a few months ago and dodged a bullet a few weeks ago with another one. So, even when things are going well, I've got this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that things are going to go tits up.

As much as I like the company I work for and the people I work with, this haphazard way of doing things is pissing me off and according to company rules, I can't apply for another role for about another year, so if things do get bad, my only option is to leave the company.

Again, this might only be temporary, and I do only really get this feeling when things are bad/pissing me off, but it has been a busy few weeks and it'll be another few weeks before I get enough breathing space to take some time off work, which I wanted to do last week, but had to cancel at the last minute.

Contrary to my best intentions, I did take another peek at V's Facebook friends list and she's added more people. I should have stayed away, but I'm an idiot that gives people too many chances to make amends, like FA2. I had a brief chat with FA2 recently, but it took about 2 hours to have a 15 minute conversation on MSN because she was chasing her kids around. It's always like this. I don't initiate conversations any more because of this exact reason and I really should just block her on MSN and be done with it. I really doubt she'd notice.

However, I did manage to speak to A on MSN recently, for the first time in months. A has been hard to get hold of, mainly because she started a new (and continuing) relationship at the start of the year and a new job a few months ago. She was quizzing me about V as I hadn't actually spoken to her about it before. I felt really good about talking to her about it. It was obviously troubling (or annoying) me a lot more than I'd previously thought. A's fine, too, and it was brilliant to catch up after all these months. Speaking of catching up... USHW's blog has gone AWOL. I wonder if there's any trouble? She had a few thingson her mind recently that I thought she would have blogged.

My email conversation with QC2 is ongoing... that's practically a fortnight now without any breaks, which is interesting. I wouldn't say that QC2 and I were close. QC2 is extremely private and I've been told I am too, so you can imagine how much we know about each other, but she does seem to be thawing, albeit slowly, and I guess I am with her, too. We've still to set a date about meeting for a drink, but she's got some college work on that needs urgent attention, so we've put it off until that's finished (probably the second week of September).

Finally, it's nearly the weekend and tomorrow is one of the monthly work's bashes. I've not been to one in months (since April, I think), so getting out with a few old team-mates will be good, even for just a couple of hours. If it turns into anything more than that, then I'm all for it, but if I'm home early, it will still be worth it.

The good, the bad and the ugly...

I'm not sure if the title actually is meant to say anything. I typed it, but haven't thought it through at all.

Anyway, V's added more friends to Facebook, but I'm not one of them. I've no idea if I'm still pending or if my request has been ignored. My guess is the latter, but Facebook doesn't make these things easy. Bloody site!

Anyway, frustrations with Facebook aside, I'm still at a loss about V. Her contact has always been extremely positive, and although she does have a tendency to go AWOL for periods of time, I've yet to see anything from her that says she's never glad to see me (when I lived in her neighbourhood) or hear from me (in the very few times we've communicated since I came home).

V always struck me as the straight talking type and she didn't fuck about with any of this fake bullshit, so I assumed that when she said and wrote nice things about me (all unprovoked by drugs and alcohol), that she actually meant them. It appears that she didn't (or that she's simply not interested in long distance contact). Either way, I'm disappointed and it kinda looks right now as if I'm giving up on V... another female friend added to the list of people who aren't worthy of my attention any more.

On the plus side, contact with QC2 has been great. Confusing, but great. QC2 is like myself... we don't say much unless we've got stuff to say. She has been really quite vocal recently. OK, so it's only since Monday when she replied to my text message from the previous week, but I've been arriving in work (we've been swapping emails using our respective work accounts) to little messages that are very unlike her. It was only little things like telling me she was hoping the weather stayed nice for an outdoor concert I was going to, or emailing the day after the concert to ask how it went. You know, small talk. Little thing. In fact, I'd have related these kinds of messages more to someone I was dating (or was dating) than someone that was my friend and had no romantic feelings towards me. I'm not complaining, just, well, a little confused. We still haven't set a date for meeting up, but it's less of an issue if we maintain some kind of semi-regular contact, though I would love to see her again.

I guess I'm just never going to understand women. If any female passers by read this and have anything insightful to offer on the actions of V or QC2, then please drop me a line!

Another week... with something to look forward to!

I met QC1 for lunch today. That was good. I liked that. We had a chat, which was good, but because it was lunchtime, it was cut rather short. I reckon we could have chatted all afternoon, had we not been called back to our respective places of employment. There's a chance we'll meet up on Wednesday night at a local outdoor concert, but I'll be with workmates, so it's hard to say if she'll come out for a drink without us afterwards.

I also heard from QC2 today, who's just back from a holiday with her partner. She tried to set a date (Wednesday night, naturally) so I've had to cancel. We're trying to arrange another night, next week. It'll be good to catch up with her, plus she's easy on the eye (might have had a crush on her years ago when we worked together) and it's amazing the looks you get from blokes when you're out with a gorgeous girl. QC2 turns many men's heads when she's out.

So, I've got this gig on Wednesday to look forward to, a mate's getting married on Saturday (evening do to attend) and meeting QC2 next week. I have a few days off this week plus I might be meeting FP for beers later this week, too. All in all, something to look forward to!

Contact!

Sadly, nothing from V. I really doubt there'll be anything further from her. It's a shame, really. I think we could have clicked again and had some fun, albeit over the internet.

However, today I have heard from... *drum roll* QC1, AM and FA2!

It's hardly worth talking about FA2 though. Yet another thoughtless invitation to another pointless social networking site (hypocritical of me to say that given my Facebook membership? You decide). I won't be joining Bebo, naturally. I've said it before and I'll said it again: if she wants to be in contact, she obviously knows my email address and she definitely knows my MSN address.

QC1 and AM are different though. They're unreliable in their own way, but they do eventually get around to contact every now and again. QC1 is taking me out to lunch next week (her treat) to catch up and buy me a return lunch from earlier in the year. It'll be fun to catch up.

AM recently gave birth to a baby girl. I was shocked. I didn't think AM was the maternal type. I've certainly never heard her or her husband talking about kids. My suspicion is that it was an accident, but you can be bloody sure I'm not asking THAT question! I've sent a reply, so I hope to hear back soon.

In light of AM's recent contact, I decided to send a message to QC2 (AM and QC2 used to work together, hence the mental connection). I haven't heard from QC2 in months beyond asking a favour that I sadly couldn't deliver on. Still... it would be nice to get her out for a drink and a nice chat to catch up on what she's doing. She can be unreliable, especially with mobile phones, so a reply is a bit of a lottery. I did email a few months ago, but have heard nothing since then either. Let's just see what happens...

Fit and you know it!

I've been to the gym a couple of times already this week. I'm planning on getting down for an hour tomorrow and maybe once more over the weekend and to keep up this routine of going every couple of days until it becomes habit and second nature. Once that's done, continuing should be second nature and I might actually see some benefits this time around.

Last time, when I was seeing GC, I was only going once per week, maybe twice if I was also seeing GC that week. Even then, I did see benefits but that was more to do with GC putting me through my paces and really giving me a good gym seeing to.

I don't push myself as hard as GC does, so things might not be as apparent as quickly this time around, but I'm not doing this for big (or quick) changes. I still need better playlists for my gym time though to maximise my efforts while I'm there.

I'm fairly confident that the leg will hold up to further punishment, especially football next week, but another week of leg-centric gym work won't do any harm. Once (if) I come through next week's footy match, then I can think about a more general gym routine. I have an old fitness plan that GC designed for me. I can use that as a template for this time around.

Woohoo!

I finally made it to the gym... it only took several months to summon up the smallest amount of energy to go down and re-register and then another week of "yes, I will... no I won't" decision making each day about actually getting off my arse and heading down. 

I enjoyed it. I always do. It's nice to work up a sweat (under any circumstances) and I did put myself through the paces tonight, albeit only for 45 minutes. I've passed the first test. My hamstring (because it's all about that at the moment) is feeling fine. My legs are tired (it was all cardio/legwork today), but I'm not feeling any pain in the leg.

The plan is to go another three or four times before easing back into the football at the end of next week. If that all goes successfully and my leg holds up after that, I'm hoping to use the gym more to sort out my fitness (with a little work on losing a bit of weight and body trimming/toning).

Along with playing footy each week, I should be exercising Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. That should be plenty... though I might also target an extra hour over the weekend at some point, especially if I'm not doing anything else. Getting out of the house for an hour or so is a good thing. 

I also caught a glimpse of GC tonight who has changed her hair colour. She's now a brunette. She suits it. I think that it could be her natural colour. Her hair was just too blonde and at times her roots were too dark. I could be wrong though... I'm a bloke. What do I know about hair colour?

Either way... she looked good. She had a client, so I didn't stop for a chat and I don't think she saw me. What I need to do is sort out some playlists for the gym. I had one that looked good, but it wasn't really. I need more up-tempo stuff to keep me going. Still, that's the first step. All I have to do now is get into the habit of going twice a week!

Expletive

I was wandering through my Facebook profile today after a technophobe chum (BW) sent three emails each to two different email addresses to let me know that he'd added me as a friend on Facebook.

I checked Facebook, but while there were notifications from a few people about all kinds of things, there were definitely no friend requests, so I returned the favour and sent my own request.

I noticed that there was a message that said "Friends requested" or something like that, but that was a few hours ago when I went to add BW. Going back now and I can't find any evidence that I sent the request. I get hundreds of notification each day of stuff other people do, but it seems I can't even track my own actions. (Of course, this would be handy to check the status of my friend request with V. Here's a question for any passers by: if V ignored my friendship request, do I get a message telling me or am I left in the dark?)

Bloody useless site!

The gym...

Yes, at long last I made it to the gym to sign up (or re-sign). I now have the membership card in my grubby little hands and I'm trying to get as much done tonight in the way of paperwork and general life stuff to free up some time for the gym later in the week (hopefully starting tomorrow).

Stupid Facebook!

Well, I've just checked Facebook again and V's profile is there for all to see.

I wonder if Facebook is playing silly buggers or if V is actually playing about with her profile at times, causing it to go AWOL?

Either way, it doesn't matter... still nothing from V as yet.

Grrr...

I was writing a piece on Facebook earlier for one of my online ventures, flicking back and forth onto the site to check some facts about how the site operated when I noticed that V's profile has gone.

I'm not jumping to conclusions like I did last time. I'll wait until I get home because we use an old version of IE at work that doesn't appear to display the site properly, but it's not looking promising.

Resident Evil

Sienna Guillory in Resident Evil 2 (the movie) is another easy-on-the-eye lady.

Verrrry niiiice!

Anyway... in response to my previous post, I never made it to the gym. I got caught up in fixing a problem at work, which caused me to stay late and by the time I left, I was too tired and hungry to even consider hitting the gym.

I still think it's important and I will make the effort to get down over the weekend, not just to join up but even for a workout for an hour or so.

Procrastination: it's being lazy, but with purpose!

I'm still a bit 'meh' about the whole being single thing. It's not a huge thing, just a 'meh' thing. Anyway, that's not the thing that's really pissing me off right now, although I guess it's maybe kind of linked.

What's really 'grinding my gears' as Peter Griffin would say is my lack of activity outside of work. I come home, make dinner and then settle down in front of the telly or the PC or read a book. I chill out until bed time. It's not all the same from day to day. For example, my time in front of the PC might be spent blogging, chatting on MSN to friends near and far, doing the odd bit of writing (a hobby, nothing more), keeping my website up-to-date, playing the odd game etc. but the breakdown of my day is pretty much: wake up, work, dinner, chill out, go to bed.

I want to do something more than that.

I need to do something more than that!

The first step is to re-join the gym. I've been talking about it for the past few months and procrastinating about it, too. In an ideal world, I'd have done it too. In a less perfect world, I might even make the phone call now and sign up after work. I like that thought and might even get around to it later if I can shake this lethargic feeling I've had all afternoon. That's a good start. Getting to the gym will have loads of extra guaranteed benefits over and above getting/staying out of the house for an extra hour or so a few times each week, not least getting fit, better sleep, fighting stress (I don't get stressed easily, but it'd still be nice).

What I'll do after that remains to be seen. I've been generally unhappy about my social life for quite a while now and I will have to make a serious effort to address that.

Brick

Brick is a great film isn't it?

Oh, and Nora Zehetner is simply lovely!

The weekend!

This weekend was really enjoyable. On Friday, the guys I used to work with (same company, different department) all went out for a few beers. A few turned into many and I was probably more toasted by the end of the evening than I have been in months... possibly years! The craic was great and I had a really good night. The kind of night I want/should have more often.

Obviously Saturday was a near write-off. The hangover kicked in late, but it kicked in with style leaving me pretty much like a stranded turtle until tea-time.

The day was redeemed by an invitation to babysit my nephew for a few hours, which gladly took. He's great fun so it's no hassle at all unless he has one of his difficult moods, but he was a star.

Today was spent lazing around, fiddling on the internet and doing a bit of reading. Tomorrow's the start of a long week at work and the frustrations of a few weeks ago are diminishing, but still present. That's most apparent on Sunday nights when I've got the full working week ahead of me. Ah well... at least it's pay day tomorrow!

RE: Re: D'oh.

Yeah, well, I've sent the request.

Re: D'oh!

Of course, the answer is quite simple. I'm scared of rejection, even for something where I'm asking someone I like to stay in contact. Three years ago, V and I had the beginnings of what could have been a super friendship. It might have been more, I did sense a certain amount of sexual tension between us and I don't deny that I found her extremely attractive, but I never saw it going to another level (plus my limited time with her meant nothing big was ever going to happen). So, yes, a great friendship.

We lost touch when I came home. I sent a quick "thank you" letter and small gift for her hospitality when I came back and I made the odd half-hearted attempt to get in touch, but nothing serious and I heard nothing from her in return until the Facebook thing.

Now, after swapping a couple of brief messages, everything's gone quiet again. I could try and add her as a friend, but these things are two way streets for those of you that don't know Facebook. I have to request her friendship and she has to grant it. And... well... I'm scared (?) that she'll reject me or add me as a friend, but never speak to me or that she'd only add me as a friend because I made the request and maybe she's had no interest in knowing me at all since I left.

I should just grow some balls, shouldn't I?

D'oh.

I was about to post that I'd tried to access V's profile on Facebook, but that it seemed to have disappeared. It was obviously going to be another rant about the amount of time I invest in people, only to see that I pick the wrong people far too many times.

I have come to the conclusion that I expect too much from my friends or I have this sixth sense that tells me who's going to be sporadic in contact.

Anyway, I tried again, and lo and behold, V's profile is still there. She's updated her picture to something that looks a little less like her than her original picture, but is a picture that arguably makes her better looking. Does that make sense? She's also added a few friends, which indicates some activity over the past few weeks, although she's yet to reply to my last message.

I keep meaning to add her as a friend, but then I get all nervous because if she wanted to be friends, she would have replied, right?

This is absurd! I'm sitting here sweating, like a teenager asking out a girl he really likes. All I'm doing is asking a (potential) friend to stay in touch, so why the nerves? What a gimp!

Guess what?

Yup, you guessed it. FP cried off again.

At 8:30 PM, I got fed up waiting for him to declare his intentions and asked if he was heading out.

He wasn't. He was hungover.

He could have bloody said that during the afternoon when I first asked him if he was going to the pub.

Fucking idiot.

To pub or not to pub?

At the start of the week, FP suggested we hit some bars on Friday night and although I didn't want to get too hammered because of the birthday party I was attending on Saturday, I agreed.

Come Friday afternoon however, and FP starts playing coy.

A text message sent enquiring about heading to the pub gets the reply "It's very probable."

Probable? This is the guy that wanted me to go to the pub and is now playing silly buggers! This is typical FP though... he has to remain in control at all times or else he throws his toys out of the pram. I prodded again on MSN at tea-time, figuring I could still swing something if the FP thing collapsed (I was in the mood for a few beers by this time). Again, he remained non-committal.

At 8 PM, he appeared once again on MSN saying that he'd just been for a nap and would get back to me once he'd fed and watered himself. And to my surprise, he did...

... at 9 PM whereupon he said he was too tired to go out, but he suggested Sunday night instead.

Usually, I'd agree or disagree immediately as I usually know what I'm doing a few days in advance (don't most people?), but this time I never committed myself either way. I did get a notion for a pint or two this evening and once again mentioned this to FP. His reply?

"It's in discussion."

That was a few hours ago. It's now just after 8 PM. Will FP say "yay" or "nay"? And will he leave it until late to actually make a decision without me chasing him?

"Groo", I believe is the word.

Yes, it's that time again, which seems to be coming around ever more frequently recently. It's that "I'm pissed off at being single" moment.

Sometimes, it's because I want someone to share the moment with. Sometimes I get this feeling because I want regular/semi-regular sex. Sometimes, I just want someone I can rely on to go out for a drink, or to the cinema and not have to hope one of my other mates can get a pass out. There are usually tonnes of reasons like these and these momentary self-pity moments are usually set off by one thing just like that.

This time it was brought on by being at a birthday party today where there were plenty of couples around my age - married and dating. For some reason, despite the fact I was enjoying myself, I still felt kinda lonely. Everyone else was paired up, having a good old chat and whatnot. I don't know exactly why I felt lonely or why being in a relationship would have made this any different, but it was the over-riding feeling I had after everyone else had gone home and I was left with the hosts, tidying up.

Oh, and the girl from this post was there, but sadly I didn't get to chat to her. She looked different this time around... not as pretty as the first time I saw her (though still extremely pretty mind you) and this time around, she reminded me of someone else. Someone famous, I think, but I can't think of who it was.

The wait continues...

Still nothing from V in the past few weeks (two weeks tomorrow, actually), which is disappointing, but not exactly unexpected. When we actually saw each other face to face, she had a habit of 'disappearing' for days at a time and a week wasn't unusual - no return phone calls, voicemail etc. I'm an impatient man by nature, so hanging around waiting for people isn't my idea of fun, but I am (some might say stupidly) loyal/patient with the people I like and have a bond with, so I'll give her some more time, but my patience won't last forever.

On the plus side, I got a card today from E. She posted it two weeks ago and it only arrived today! Bloody hell! Still, it was nice to hear from her. I hope to catch her online again sometime soon for a bit of a chat.

I'm going to a party on Saturday, which I'm looking forward to. Plenty of people that I know, and as a bonus, the girl that I posted about here will probably be there. No danger of anything untoward (nice though she is, there's not that spark), but I like her. It;s not often I meet someone with whom I'm so instantly at ease and comfortable.

Stll waiting...

Nothing from V in a few days since we both established that we were both who we thought the other was. does that make sense? Anyway, I'm getting impatient as we were getting to the point in the "conversation" where we stop tiptoe-ing around each other and get into the proper conversation, catching up with each other and, hopefully, getting to a point where we're in contact every now and again.

As an aside, I got a vards from USHW at the weekend, which was sweet. Thanks USHW!

An interesting conversation

I made a post last night that I really shouldn't have. No point on going looking for it... it's been deleted. It wasn't that terrible or scandalous, but I wasn't expressing myself too well and I didn't like it, so it went.

Anyway, I was out last night with my brother-in-law for a few drinks and we bumped into a good friend of his (top lad, actually) who was out with his “new” girlfriend (as we knew it... their relationship is about six months old). The girlfriend is stunning and right up my street: good looking, brunette, great smile, good figure, great sense of humour, (very) easy to talk to... a lot of boxes were ticked.

While my brother-in-law and his mate were off at the bar/toilet/whatever (having a blokes' chat about the girlfriend, unsurprisingly), I had a chance to chat with the girlfriend. Somehow, we ended up talking about my relationship status. Usually, it's something I don't like talking about, but I felt completely at ease with this girl and within a very short period of time she knew practically everything I've posted here regarding my feelings toward my relationship status. I told her that most of the time I'm happily single but that every now and again it was something that annoyed me and that I was probably entering a stage where it was pissing me off. She found out that I had considered online dating, but never committed myself because there was a distinct lack of potential dates on the sites I'd checked out (and she found out I was extremely picky from my brother-in-law). She heard my frustrations about my lack of social life (mates with kids/mortgages/marriages etc.) and how that translated into less opportunities to get out and meet people, which she agreed with totally and said she had found the same thing with her friends, even though she is quite a bit younger than I am (about 8 years). There was playful talk about getting set up with her (high maintenance) friends, but I think that was just pub talk. It was nice (and strange) to actually say all of that out loud, because it's not something I usually talk about. My sister's heard bits of it, but she's just like “well, go out and meet someone”, so finding someone that could relate to what I was moaning about, agree with some/all of the points I was making and even sympathise/empathise with me was most refreshing.

After meeting her though, I am in one of those moods again where being single is pissing me off. It's partly because she is exactly the sort of person I'd like to meet myself and partly because it's just getting to that time again. Even the Sarah Silverman girl from work was quizzing me on Friday about my relationship status, and when I end up in conversations about my single life, I usually get pissed off.

A reply!

It's V! She seems quite pleased to hear from me. Am not investing a lot in this continuing for some time, but hopefully it'll last long enough to swap up-to-date contact details and we won't have top rely on the site for contact.

Quick reply!

I got a reply from V late last night, but she's either playing coy in case I'm a nutter or she's completely forgotten me. I'm more convinced that it's her as a little more of her profile has opened up because I messaged her. Bugger.

Message sent!

So I sent V a message. I've no idea how often her Facebook account is accessed (the account does look pretty bare/neglected), but hopefully the notification email she gets will persuade her to log in and check her messages and we'll see what happens then!

Oooooooooh!

Part of my problem with contact with V has always been that I was unsure if I was actually reaching her. When we parted, we swapped contact details and she was very sweet in the note she gave me along with her details (although to be fair we were both very definitely un-sober). Me, being the sentimentalist that I am, still carry it around in my wallet. However, while I can read her note, her email address is unreadable. She left her mobile number, but I was useless with international dialling codes and I'm not even sure any text message I sent was even delivered. I did send her a present when I first returned to the UK (as a thank you for showing me around, taking me to clubs etc.) , which I know she got, but relying on snail mail all the time isn't practical.

So, imagine my surprise when I found someone with V's full name on Facebook. There's a picture, too. It kinda looks like her, but it's really small and unclear and has no location data and profiles are inaccessible unless I get added as a friend. Should I send this girl a message? What should I say?

Yay!

I managed to find a card and send it to E today. Only a few days late and the message in the card is kind of lame, but it's gone nonetheless.

ferk

Here's a testament to how much my head had been melted over the past three to four weeks: I completely forgot about E's birthday. It's tomorrow (well about 30 mins from now), but as she's in NZ, it's her birthday now for her (making sense?) By the time I get a card and send it, it'll probably be late next week before she gets it and I haven't even had time to think about a pressie. Arse.

Expletive.

The potential emergency that almost reared its head last night turned out to be nothing but a knee-jerk reaction by people who don't know the systems we use as well as the people who develope the projects on them i.e. us.

More stress for absolutely no reason.

It's not just me that's leaking morale... the rest of the team seems to be following suit. My female co-worker has already mentioned that she's going to leave and one of my closest friends at work has sent his CV off to various specialist recruitment agencies looking for a new job and will no doubt get something before too long. A couple of the other guys are looking to move to different departments... the team is threatening to disintegrate.

Bugger.

After the shenanigans of the previous couple of weeks, I started this week with a bastarding head cold. Actually, I can't say for certain that that's the reason, but it makes sense that after the stresses and frustrations of recent times, my immune system pisses off on a holiday for a rest. Head cold. It's a bastard. I keep getting 90% to a huge sneeze, then the sensation goes, plus my eyes are watering continuously, my hearing's screwed because my head's bunged up (even with decongestants) and I've been dehydrated all week, too. My immune system is usually pretty good... it's very rare that I get ill, so having this head cold hang around since early Sunday morning is a rare occurance.

Things are going well in work this week... relatively speaking. There's a bit of a scare going on right now with yet another project of mine which a co-worker "kindly" pointed out just before I left work today. There's no reason to think that this is a proper emergency, but some confusion on the part of the project manager because the project was checked and double-checked last week not only by myself, but more importantly, by the guy that's mentoring me (as I was on holiday). Double-checked. Can both of us have missed a huge problem?

I'll find out in the morning.

I can do without these fucking scares though. I need some quiet time with some stuff going right just for a little bit so I can recharge the batteries. Two and half years of really enjoying my work and it's all being sucked out of in a matter of weeks.

I know that I need a break, but trying to get my mate free for a weekend is proving tricky. I'll try and get some time to myself though.

Are you spontaneous?

From reading through the various dating sites I've perused, I've noticed one thing. A lot of women out there claim to be, or are looking for, someone spontaneous.

In reality, most of the women I've dated are anything but spontaneous. Most things required planning and advance notice and God forbid that it might involve taking a chance.

A prime example was when I was dating FA2. Awaking one morning after I'd spent the night at hers, I noticed the sun was shining brightly outside. When FA2 roused herself, I whispered in her ear that perhaps this would be a good day to throw a sickie and enjoy the day. I suggested that, instead of going to work, she might enjoy being the recipient of one of my full body massages (she enjoyed those), an hour or so enjoying ourselves between the sheets, I'd make her breakfast in bed, we could share an enjoyable shower (together, of course) then we'd head to a local seaside town where we could take a stroll along the beach followed by lunch (my treat) at a cracking pub I knew, spending an afternoon chilling out and doing a little shopping before returning to FA2's for a BBQ dinner (I'd cook) and curling up with a DVD when it got too chilly to sit outside, ending the evening with some more fun between the sheets.

I thought that ticked all the boxes: spontaneous, romantic, thoughful, sexy, unselfish. That was a dead cert for a fun day beside the sea side, wasn't it?

Boy, was I wrong! That's probably the most extreme example, mind you. FA2 wasn't interested and throwing a sickie was a complete no no. Still... any time she complained about my lack of spontaneity, romance etc. I simply mentioned the day she turned down the entire package all wrapped up in one day.

Oh, and don't get me started on these "spontaneous" girls that take three hours to get ready for a simple trip down to the pub... (and yes, FA2 was one of those, too).

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

So, whilst trawling around our company intranet today, I happened to notice that Pretty Blonde was no longer mentioned in the email list. On one hand, that should be disappointing, right? A pretty girl that I'm attracted to leaves work (shades of Lickable Girl here, too), which is pretty much the only place I get to see her. The logical assumption is that I should be gutted, right?

Strangely, I'm not. At least, not a lot. The only time I really managed to see PB was at our monthly work's bashes and I've repeatedly mentioned that I would never approach anyone at a work's do, unless circumstances were really favourable (i.e. loads and loads of privacy away from prying eyes and ears). Why should PB leaving the company be any different? none, actually. My stance hasn't changed: if I see PB out and about in the town, I'll make an effort. I'd even go so far as to say that seeing as we no longer work for the same company that I might even be a little more forward than I would have been ordinarily. Maybe the same could be said for her (which would make things a lot easier!)

The same would probably apply to LG too, but she doesn't live in the city so chances of seeing her are remote. I don't actually know if PB lives in the city, but I have at least seen her out socialising - nearly a year ago exactly, strangely.

ooops!

Well, I didn't come back, but I ended up drinking and watching DVDs. Admittedly getting drunk and watching DVDs is kinda what got me into the kind of mood I was in last night anyway, but that's only a minor point.

The recent troubles at work have caused problems. Not just with my professional reputation, but with my own confidence. My confidence ebbs and flows both personally and professionally. At times, it's always low - approaching women with a view to pursuing something romantic/physical is probably the obvious example. At other times, my confidence levels are fairly high/normal - talking to people normally (although I'm useless at smalltalk), knowing my limits at sports etc.

This recent fiasco in work (partly, though not wholly, my fault) has resulted in my confidence taking a real pumelling. In trying to implement fixes for some errors, I had to work late a few nights last week. Everyone else had gone home and I was left on my own to figure out the problem and fix it. This took quite a short period of time, but I then spent the best part of an hour afterwards doubting the code I'd written, checking and double-checking the work many times before getting fed up, posting the fix and leaving the office at nearly 8 pm - a work day of around 11.5 hours.

I still hope/think that the problems of last week/recently have finally been sorted, but I have to start and rebuild my professional confidence again. This is a process that's going to take quite a while, I think and the enjoyment and happiness that I had in this job has taken a severe dent.

The DVDs I was watching (Before Sunrise and Before Sunset) simply reminded me of how useless some people are at contact. The particular plot/circumstances and some of the thoughts voiced by the characters reminded me of V (again) and I'm sad to say that I was the just thew right kind of drunken mood last night where I get stupidly reminscent and oddly sentimental about the brief time I had with V and slightly depressed that despite my attempts at contact, V hasn't yet replied.

It's an odd mood I'm in. I think I'll have to sort out something fun for the summer (visit a few mates or something) to give me a break from work and something to look forward to.

Oh, hang on... I'll be right back.

I came here to make a post about my current state of mind, but that raised a question I have been meaning to ask USHW for some time. I might have asked this question before, but I can't remember the answer, if there was one. I'll have to go ask her...

Yay!

So, I think most of the stuff at work has been sorted. Murphy's Law, innit? Just as I reach breaking point (ish), everything seems to settle down. I wasn't the only one either - my mentor was in the same way and he apologised for being snappy earlier (though I really didn't see it). Now I have a long weekend and a few beers in the fridge. I hope that when I return to work on Monday that things have settled down. There should be one or two minor things still to sort, but the really stressful stuff should be taken care of already. Nice.

Ongoing issues at work

The work thing is still ongoing (see here) and I'm starting to get really fucked off with work and it's starting to effect other work too as I'm too busy running after time critical problems. I'm starting to lose a bit of confidence in my work, second guessing myself all the time and being really reticent about handing my work in, in case the guys in the peer review system really pull my projects apart. I don't think I've ever been this stressed (professionally speaking) and I've always prided myself in not getting stressed easily and have been able to take problems in my stride.

I don't want that to happen because until now, I've really enjoyed my job and for the most part, the people I work with. I am getting to the point where I'm seriously considering moving somewhere else. I don't know if anywhere else would be any different in terms of the causes of frustration (communication issues and information sharing, mainly) and my currfent desires might just be a knee-jerk reaction to the last few weeks. My current co-workers are being supportive, but this one project is dragging on and on and it's just sucking out my enthusiasm for the job and I'm sure it's starting to annoy my mentor who's been incredibly patient until now.

With any luck, tomorrow will sort out the last of these problems and I can get back to enjoying my work, but I thought that on Monday... and yesterday... and this morning...

I have taken the day off on Friday, so I'm going to chill out and forget about work for the long weekend.

Every cloud has a silver lining...

Scooby Doo may well be a poor movie, but it has Sarah Michelle Gellar in it (I'm not a big big fan, but she looks fine enough here), Linda Cardellini (who thought Velma Dinkley could have ever been sexy) and Isla Fisher (again, I'm not really a fan, but she's gorgeous here).

Something for every man... a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

Nice.

more dreams...

I had a dream a few nights ago where I was at a quiz of some kind. Christ knows what kind of quiz it was or where it was, but Jennifer Aniston was the question master. Getting towards the end of the quiz and I was in second place, close behind some guy. Whatever happened in the final round, I ended up tying for first place, so we went into a tie-breaker which was to identify Christmas songs or whatever.

I went first and they played something I didn't recognise (making a smart comment to Jennifer about how Christmas sucked ass and how the quiz was weighted against me, which she laughed at). Then they played “I believe in Father Christmas” to the other guy, who went off, called his mate on his mobile, and came back with an answer... the wrong answer.

For some reason they gave him the quiz as the tie break winner. Jennifer came over, had a quick chat and gave me her hotel room number and asked me for a drink afterwards. She seemed quite down and in need of a chat, so I agreed and she cheered up at that.

So, next thing I knew, I was in this hotel trying to find Jennifer. It's not any hotel in my home town nor anything like any hotel I've been in or seen before. It was packed full of people (like a shopping mall or similar, but far too many people for a hotel) and it was HUGE. The thing is, no matter where I went within this hotel or where I looked, I couldn't find Jennifer's room, though the guys at the desk were forever telling me that she was in her room and expecting me and even giving me directions to it.

This went on for some time until I woke up, before I found Jennifer again.

I woke up feeling quite disappointed that I never found her room to have that chat.

There's a deja vu element to this. The quiz thing is new, but the hotel thing seems incredibly familiar. Not in real life, of course, but I think I've had that portion of the dream before. Does it mean anything? I'm not sure. FBS thought that dreams meant something. She had a few books on the subject, but I never read any of them and FBS never talked about what imagery, so I've no frame of reference to even make a guess.