Another WTF? moment.

Since she left the country, FA2 and I have had rather sporadic contact. That's her style though - and once we split up and she found a new man, everything changed. She's one of those people who kinda leaves everyone behind once she embarks on a new relationship. She did it when she started dating me, much to my annoyance.

We're still friends on Facebook, but the last time we had any kind of conversation was years ago. I remember telling her about RB as it was around that time, but she appeared to be incredibly disinterested and it felt like she was just ticking boxes rather than interesting in having a proper conversation.

Imagine my surprise when I got not one, but three Facebook messages last night. The two opening messages were friendly and affectionate, the third asking me for a rather large favour.

Now, I had been at my sister's for a barbeque and was quite tipsy, so I never replied, but I spoke to USHW and KfW2 about it. They both agreed that it was not right. I don't know if I will reply or even do the favour she asks, but it's angered me a little bit that she had the gall to even ask. I guess there's also the fact that I'm still annoyed at GB for being a "leecher", so FA2's contact has just re-ignited that.

Talking. Happy talk.

A semi-random meeting with SSCW lead to a conversation about a male colleague of mine which in turn lead to a conversation about KfW2.

The conversation about a male colleague of mine was all about SSCW thinking of any of her single female friends who she could set up with my colleague. I then returned to my seat and proceeded to have a conversation along the same lines, only with KfW2 but regarding the same male co-worker.

It was a conversation that could have gone on for hours - it was very similar in vibe to conversations I have outside of work with KfW2 or DSC, or online with USHW for that matter, but it came at the wrong time of the day when we were starting to get into a flow, but quitting time happened.

Now, the entire vibe has put me in the frame of mind to go to the pub. Well, that and the fabulous weather we're currently experiencing here.

Just as an aside, KfW2 voiced a concern today about my mood. She reckons that I've not been in great form over the past few months - not consistently, but she has said there's a definite trend. I mentioned my family issues again and the new work thing as definite factors in this, but neglected to mention the CB/meeting someone thing, which is probably another (significant) factor that's been bothering me recently.

Oh dear.

I think my friendship with GB is over. She's far too selfish for my liking and since the start of the year, has done little to persuade me otherwise. In fact, the one thing I can think of offhand was her volunteering to move the CB thing forward, which she did do, but only after reminding and prodding several times from me. She's also done a lot of complaining about the social thing and recent complaints about arrangements (Saturday night and CH's supposed arranged night out from this post) has just been rude IMO. There's also the drunken acidic comments as well that just hasn't gone down well at all with me.

In that time, I've arranged several big nights out, helped her through a training course (including giving her several hundred pages of notes and other material I've collated myself over the years), given advice about her career, listened to her concerns and just generally been there... but she doesn't seem to realise that she's a "taker" - at least in my eyes, she's very much in the red.

KfW2 suggested this morning that we join GB for coffee (GB's suggestion originally from what I gather), but I think my face told the entire story as she quickly backed down. I don't know why GB inviting us for coffee annoyed me so much, but it did. Then, by all accounts, she tried to get KfW2 to go to an all you can eat restaurant for lunch. This is the same girl who won't go out on a Tuesday night because she has a weigh in for her diet club the night after.

Still, that reminds me - I need to get CH to sort out that night out, and I think I'll see if GM fancies coming over at the weekend for drinks - MfW will be away, so there won't be any tension, and we had the beginnings of a good conversation that I'd like to re-visit.

A day of ups and downs.

DSC came to town yesterday and we did our usual thing of pottering about, having coffee, lunch etc. and chatting. It's been ages since I last saw her - possibly late February - so it was nice to be able to talk properly with her and get updated on her life... it's been pretty dramatic of late. I have to say that I have some concerns about this relationship that she's in and how happy she is (or isn't as the case may be), but she refuses to acknowledge it even though the signs are all there. She left mid-afternoon, and that gave me some time to get ready for the night out with GB, MF, GM and a few others. KfW2 had already been in contact to say she wasn't going to make it - she's been really ill/run down recently that I think is at least partly stress-related. I called her to check up on her for a few minutes while DSC was trundling around TK Maxx and we chatted. I wasn't really in the mood for the night out, even though it was my idea, but I went out anyway, mainly to see GM... and I am glad that I did.

It took GB less than an hour to start to annoy me. The entire thing was my suggestion initially and we had all agreed to meet at a certain place. First of all, despite clarifying the pre-agreed arrangements, she turned up 45 minutes late, then after only an hour in the first pub, started whining about leaving because it was too expensive. I was meant to be meeting my sister and brother-in-law in the same pub, so was reluctant to move on. I could easily have text them an update, but by this stage, it's a point of principle, so I made everyone stay on for about another hour.

Due to seating arrangements, I didn't really speak to her for the rest of the night, which was fine by me. KfW2 surprised me by turning up (I'd been texting her all afternoon and early evening) and was glad to see that she was feeling much better. She was in brilliant form and myself, GM and her bantered away all night. My sister and brother-in-law did turn up after their other thing had finished, and I got the chance to introduce KfW2 to them, which I've wanted to do for quite a while actually - my sister and bro-in-law hear loads about KfW2 and likewise, KfW2 hears a lot about them and their children from me. Unsurprisingly, they got along really well. KfW2 text me to say she really liked them, and I haven't had any feedback from my sister yet, but I daresay it will be very positive.

The only real downside is that I wanted to have a bit more of a conversation with GM about GB/CB and her behaviour, but it was hard to find a quiet corner to do it, so I'll have to wait until we go out without the bigger crowd, when we tend to have more serious conversations anyway.

*sigh*

I was due to be meeting QC2 last night for one of our usual nights out. The last time I was speaking to her, I was excited about CB (specifically GB's volunteering) and was oddly optimistic about the whole thing. Apart from generally wanting to catch up with QC2, I wanted to update her on the CB thing as well.

Sadly, and seemingly not entirely unexpectedly, I got a text a few hours before we were due to meet saying that she needed to postpone - a friend had had a baby and she was going visiting. She suggested we do something next week, which I agreed to, but left the ball in her court.

I text her back and asked her to give me a call and we'll make the arrangements, but we'll see what happens.

It seems like people have made a habit of letting me down recently.

Batteries are drained.

I'm tired - physically and mentally. Physically, I have no idea why, because it's not like I've been doing anything strenuous or burning the candle at both ends, though I have a sore throat and I think I might be coming down with something. Mentally, I think it's a number of reasons - busy at work with no time off plus the manager woes as well that are ongoing, I've had a lot of minor things on my mind recently that I think I've talked about here - losing weight and motivation, body issues, GB, CB and wanting to meet someone etc. and with only six weeks to go to my holiday, I think it's all just caught up with me at once.

I have plenty of time to take from work, so that's not an issue, it's just finding the time. I'm unlikely to be allowed to take any time before the start of June due to work-related commitments, but I do think that I need a couple of days off, just to recharge. Some sun would be nice too.

Just pondering.

GM and I were talking to GB months ago, the same night that I spotted CB in the pub. I'd made a semi-flippant comment about CB being "definite girlfriend material", despite only seeing her from across the room. GB looked confused, but GM nodded his approval. We then went into a conversation with GB about how a bloke will know within a short period of time, possibly a few seconds, whether a girl he finds attractive is someone worth pursuing for something meaningful or something that's only going to be a bit of fun (i.e. sex).

It's hard to explain exactly how you tell... I guess ultimately it boils down to the type of attraction. It's possible to be attracted to a girl without thinking about sex (or at least, sex isn't the primary thought) but then again, it's possible to be attracted to a girl and it's lust, pure and simple. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to see how this then pans out. GM pointed out that an ex-girlfriend of his (a stunning redhead) pretty much had to jump his bones because he was interested in dating and was playing it cool. He had that type of attraction to her.

I had a similar thing with FA2 - I was definitely attracted to her, but it was very much for dating (there were extenuating cirumctances with her being a friend of a friend as well), but it wasn't until we had hooked up a few times that I started viewing her as someone I could have sex with. By all accounts, she later admitted to me that she had been chomping at the bit for ages and couldn't figure out why I hadn't made a move. CB is similar - she's an extremely attractive girl, but the interest I have there is to get to know her, not to sleep with her. Similar to Date No. 1 as well (though to a lesser extent) and RB was the complete opposite - I just wanted to have sex with her.

USHW has a theory that it boils down to looks. Her opinion of FA2 (based on pictures I'd shown her) was that she was homely. She says that CB looks like a nice girl. While I don't disagree with USHW's theory, I don't know that I agree with it either. I guess I'd have to show USHW more pictures of females that I've been attracted to in various ways over the years to get her impression of them and see if they fall into my date/fuck attraction. I don't think it ultimately matters whether USHW's theory is true or not though, just the fact that men who are attracted to women know how they would like things to pan out with the woman in question within a short period of time.

A little digest of not a lot.

Out of the blue I got a text from MM today, asking if I wanted to go to a fancy dress party this coming Saturday. I don't particularly like fancy dress parties (I get really self-conscious when I dress up), so tend to avoid them, but the thought of seeing MMBF in some kind of skimpy outfit probably would have persuaded my otherwise... except it's my mum's birthday and we'll inevitably be having a meal. MM asked me to pop in later if the night ended early, and I might do that... without fancy dress of course.

I was also talking to GB today about S's blind date. I didn't particularly want to talk to GB, but CH invited her along when we were grabbing a coffee. MFF also turned up, but she wasn't involved in the blind date conversation sadly, otherwise I might have tried steering the conversation to wards CB. We had a decent chat about the blind date, about S and S's priorities. GB said that she thought that the man should do all the running, but I said that seeing as she was meant to be setting up her friend, it was her friend who had to make first contact, in my opinion. It might have been a pleasant and interesting conversation, but it hasn't stopped me being annoyed at her for being a shit friend though.

Also, UF looks as if he'll be staying on for another few months. I'd much rather he pissed off at the time he said he would, but he's got housing issues that have yet to be solved.

Oh, and as a last piece, I have finally heard back from QC2, so we're hopefully going to meet up sometime next week. I'm looking forward to that already.

The rules of life.

Yesterday was a very "rules" orientated day. I'd mentioned in another post about refusing to follow the unspoken rules of online dating (probably to my detriment) and it came up a few times in other conversations with, amongst others, USHW and FP. Sometimes, when I'm feeling good about myself, I like the fact that I regard myself as somewhat off the wall. I don't mean in an American-sitcom-kooky kind of way, but rather that I don't automatically follow the rules as set out by others.

My friendships with USHW and to a certain extent DSC and CH are not entirely standard. I know for a fact that CH thinks that my friendship with KfW2 is completely non-standard given her incredulous look and line of questioning when I mentioned, one lunchtime, that I would be phoning KfW2 at some point that day (she was off work). I wasn't able to pin down if CH had issues with my friendship with a work colleague or a mixed-sex friendship with someone in a relationship. I think the latter. Christ knows how she would react if she knew we'd spent quite a few nights in the pub, just the two of us, getting squiffy and having long conversations about lots of things.

USHW probably knows me better than anyone, including past girlfriends. No-one else even has an inkling of half the stuff that USHW knows about me - crushes, desires, neuroses... she knows more of them than anyone else on the planet.

I know a lot of people expected CH and I to hate each other - we're both intelligent people with strong opinions, but we clicked pretty much instantly. There's a weird undercurrent of something else going on there as well, which will probably never see the light of day.

Do people frown upon men and women having close friendships or is it just a gossip thing? They're close therefore there must be something more going on?

Other people have, in the past, mentioned that I have some unusual points of view, though I can't remember the conversations offhand. They mentioned this in, I think, a positive way. I don't know where I'm going with this. I started off talking about "rules", specifically unspoken ones, but I've just rambled off topic somewhat.

Getting circular.

I've been talking to DSC a bit over the past few days, by text. We're meant to be seeing each other in a few week's time, on a day that I've planned to spend in the pub with KfW2, CC amongst others. We usually have lunch then potter about the town, chatting, having a coffee etc. This time, though, DSC said she might get the bus and have a couple of drinks. I told her about my plans later in the afternoon and invited her to join us which, surprisingly, she agreed to. She's met KfW2, GB, S etc. before so there won't be too many people here that she's  not met before.

I'm also hoping that my sister and brother-in-law will be down at some point too, if only for a little while. I'd like them to meet KfW2 (and vice versa).

Once again, DSC asked me if I had returned to online dating. It's a question she often asks, even though she knows how much I hate it. The answer, again, was emphatically negative. I don't have the mentality for it. By all accounts, you have to send out many dozens of messages for a return rate of replies of around 10% if you're lucky and obviously not all of those are going to result in conversations, never mind dates. You kinda have to leave your ego at the doorstep which I was unable to do. I think that not replying to messages is incredibly rude if you're on a website to meet people, though I do appreciate that there are a lot of men who seem to be spoiling it for the more genuine bloke. DSC mentioned getting upwards of thirty messages per day, some of which were pictures of guys showing their junk. But I refused to play by the rules - I didn't blanket message hundreds of women with a standard message, I selected those I was genuinely interested in knowing more about/meeting and tried to tailor a message for them. I think it's the same kind of stubbornness that's angry at GB and still would like to meet CB.

Still, the times that I was on it and taking it seriously (I've had a few accounts set up but never actually used them ), I tried to reply to everyone, even those women who made no effort in their initial contact. Sadly, the online dating karma never paid dividends.

But there's also the matter of the box ticking. Dating websites encourage you to finely tune your dating preferences with all kinds of tickable criteria. If I'd applied that mentality to real life, I'd never have pulled RB or gotten anywhere near Near Miss because, strictly speaking they're not really my type.

There's also the matter that, despite the fact that my relationship status is usually not an issue for me (and hence I don't often make the effort that I should when I meet people), my "hit rate" (for want of a better phrase) is much more impressive from talking to random women in the pub than going on to websites that are dedicated to introducing people who want to meet new people.

Sometimes, I'm tempted to return, to create another account to maximise my chances of meeting someone, but I know that ultimately, I'll end up depressed and question myself, just like I've done during my previous accounts with Match.con and PlentyOfFish.com

FFS Part 2

I ended up caving last night and heading out with S and his mate, who I don't particularly like. It was an OK night, but towards the end of the evening, S admitted that GB had sent him a text, offering to set him up on a semi-blind date with one of her mates.

Obviously, this has pissed me off a little given GB's distinct lack of action in pursuing the CB/MFF angle for me at the start of the year.

He wasn't going to take her up on the offer, but start rattling off how much they had in common and his last girlfriend (I use that term lightly) recently dumped him for a lack of effort/interest (see my last post about his priorities). I pointed out that if they had that much in common in terms of musical/film/TV taste and he thought she was pretty enough, why not go on a date? What's the worst that could happen?

He did see some sense then and text GB back, saying that he'd go on a date. At least one of us has gotten a result out of GB then.

FFS

Due to my current rut/funk, I have been trying to get GM and/or S out to the pub for what seems like ages. Certainly on and off for the past 6 weeks or so. This weekend, I suggest, he could come to mine for the FA Cup final, we'd have some food, beers and then head out to the pub.

"I can't" he replied. "I'm up to my fucking eyes in debt and have locked all my credit cards away because I keep spending on them. I'll come down for the footy, but I can't afford to go out"

Fair enough, I replied. Come down, grab a carry out and we'll make a night of it. You still get a cheap night out.

Nothing in reply... until tonight as I left work at 6PM.

"My mate has talked me into going out, FFS. You should come out too!"

Hmmm. Why don't you stay in tonight, then spend this mystical windfall tomorrow night? I asked.

"I've already agreed to this!"

No reply from me. I am semi-tempted to go out, but I want to chill out for an hour first before making a decision - the pub he's suggested is decent enough and there should be something to look at, but I am pissed at him for agreeing to go out tonight. His issue is that he has two tiers of friends: what I call his "proper friends" - a small group of lads that he's known since school and "other friends", which is everyone else (including girlfriends) and the category I fall in to. His "proper friends" can get him to drop everything at a moment's notice and he fits the rest of us (including his girlfriends) in around them.

It's one of his "proper friends" that's talked him into going out tonight and I think it's pretty fucking bad manners that he cries poverty to me (esepcially given the past few weeks where I have constantly tried to get him out) and yet as soon as one of his "proper friends" suggests the pub, he finds money from somewhere and doesn't think anything of inviting me out.

A blast from the past.

Between leaving school and getting my first "proper" job, I spent just over nine months working in an engineering firm and during that time, spent an awful lot of time bantering (in my head, borderline flirting, but that's probably wholly inaccurate) with a really cute, tall brunette girl whose name I simply cannot remember.

It's annoying me, because I had a rather large crush on this girl for my entire time at the firm, but once I walked out the door to leave for my new job, I never saw or heard from her again, except one time, a few years later, when I bumped into her at an out-of-town supermarket. She was still stunning even then.

I still remember names of slight crushes I had on other girls that last a much shorter length of time and even some where I had a lot less interaction, but this girl's name eludes me.

I've spent all day trying to remember her name as she inexplicable popped into my head at lunchtime.

Sigh again.

KfW2 was asking about my current mood today over lunch when I explained that Friday wasn't as good as I had hoped it would be, but that I had suspected that was a combination of a few factors, including mood. I explained that the most important thing having an effect on me was probably my mother's medical condition. We talked it through - her grandmother had a fully blown medical condition with initial symptoms similar to what my mother is currently experiencing.

She then asked what else was bothering me. Currently, it's the relationship status thing with a side dish of GB/CB. I have trouble sharing that kind of information though. Years ago, I once confided in AM about something similar, only to be teased about it by her then boyfriend now husband. I've always found it hard to open up to people and I looked upon that conversation with AM as being a step forward when I was in my late teens... until the teasing started. It wasn't nasty or malicious, but it was enough. So, even with an open opportunity to tell KfW2 about my current dissatisfaction with my relationship status, I just couldn't do it. And there was no way that I was going to mention anything about GB/CB when I am still a) annoyed with myself for not speaking to CB on New Year's Eve and b) annoyed with myself/trying to figure out if this is still an issue.

It was brushed over and we returned to my mother's medical condition. Now I am angry at myself for not opening up to KfW2 given the chance.

Sigh.

Yesterday turned out to be a massive anticlimax. I guess part of that was the lack of KfW2 and CH turning up. GB also didn't show up, but if I am being honest, her presence is becoming less important these days.

There are a few GB-related updates to make though. She didn't know that CH was planning on coming out for the social thing. I think she has a bit of a jealous streak in her and my continued growing friendship with CH could turn out to be an issue for her. I mentioned that CH had suggested we arrange a mid-week affair instead which GB shot down immediately, simply because she would be at her diet class the next night. This is typical of GB's selfishness and rather than pander to it, I simply suggested that CH and I would go out alone (we wouldn't really as there are others who would come along).

I then made up a story regarding QC2 so that I could raise the topic of CB again. I've been discussing the CB thing a lot with USHW recently, about getting closure on it and making something happen or simply drawing a line under it and forgetting about it. The official word from GB on the subject wasn't that different from the end of February: MFF messaged CB's sister who was going to see how to move this forward, possibly by speaking to CB herself.

As far as I can tell, MFF did speak to CB's sister, but I am still unsure as to where things stand beyond that. I don't know of CB's sister made any progress herself or if CB has effectively said no to any arranged meeting or progress. It has, however, highlighted again GB's lack of initiative in chasing this up and draws attention to her selfishness. She never mentioned anything, but I would be very surprised if she actually made further inquiries with MFF off the back of Friday afternoon's conversation, despite the topic being very centred around friends and meeting new people.

Sometimes I feel I should just draw a line under this, but part of me is too stubborn to let it go. It's not stopping me from meeting other people or anything, though I've often mentioned in posts here that I rarely meet people that I am really attracted to. However, I can get a bit stubborn when things like this happen, especially if someone is not behaving as I think they should.

I've also messaged QC2 to see if she fancies meeting for a drink.

Plotting.

Already plans for tomorrow night are crumbling. It's looking like both KfW2 and CH are not going to be able to go. It should still be a good night, but it will probably end up more work focussed whereas I was hoping to take advantage of the fact that KfW2 and CH would be in the same place at the same time. I could engage both of them in conversation about dating and then quietly bemoan GB's lack of action on the CB front.

I was also hoping for a bit of this drunken semi-flirting that CH has tried on occasion, just for an ego boost, pick me up, but seeing as it's unlikely she will turn up, there'll be none of that.

The final option is probably the most obvious one: talk to GB directly. My opinion of GB has cooled a lot  since the start of the year - the lack of action on the CB front has caused me to notice (in other things) that GB's one of those friends that takes more out of a friendship than she gives back. Bearing that in mind, I've been trying to keep my distance, especially given her recent (barbed) comments as well.

I will run into the same problem... I don't know how to bring up the subject of CB/GB. I still feel it's weird to be this invested after a couple of glimpses in the pub and on Facebook and a half promise of a friend to get more details four months ago. It could be that alcohol will unlock that problem.

...

For the past few years, my mother has developed a medical condition that has gotten slightly, but progressively worse. The worst case scenario is Alzheimer's disease, but it could be any number of things really. It might not seem like a lot, but it can take an awful lot out of you when your own mother calls you by her brother's name 99% of the time, sometimes not realising and sometimes catching herself on.

She has refused to acknowledge it, I presume through fear that if she were to visit her GP that the news would not be good, but supposedly because she claims she was unaware that it was happening. Personally, I think she was lying to us because if something were to be found to be wrong, it is unlikely she would be allowed to babysit her grandchildren again. Myself and other close family members have skirted around this issue for far too long in my opinion, but today, she actually went to see the GP.

There's no definite solution at the moment, but he's aware of her mental state and to a lesser extent, our concern. Tests have been ordered and will undoubtedly run on for a bit, but this is a good, positive step. When I visited my parents' place earlier, she was in excellent form. I think the fact that the GP was unable to directly come out and say "it's Alzheimer's" was a great relief to her, even if subsequent tests might diagnose that.

Obviously I'm hoping that it's simply a dietary thing or a deficiency of some sort, but we'll see once the tests start and the results come in.