Thoughts.

I'm still feeling somewhat hungover, if that's the correct wording, from being out with KfW2 last week, and specifically that short time that we were able to spend some time alone. The desire to get her out, to have a night out of our own has greatly intensified, though I wonder if I am holding on to an idea of a friendship that no longer exists? After all, it's at least four years (and more likely five) since we last did something like that.

I tried to get her out again this weekend, but she's got family stuff on. The Crowd are out the following week, possibly with FP, so I invited her out for that. Again, family stuff. Then she starts her new job. I'd be very surprised if I saw her this month.

KfW2 has moved on, professionally, and while she's gone in a direction that doesn't interest me, it kinda has re-awoken a frustration about not being paid as much as I think I deserve (so all the frustrations about Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy have resurfaced even though). 

I think I posted something a while back about talking to my boss, but she's on holiday at the moment, so I won't get a chance to talk to her until next week. And even then, I'm pessimistic about getting the outcome I'd like (a decently sized pay-rise), even if my logic and reasoning are pretty watertight. She can't make the decision... it'll have to go to HR or Finance or something, but she can fight my corner.

Working on the details.

I'm not going to go into massive detail about the work-related conversation between KfW2 and myself a few days ago but there were some highlights.

Firstly, KfW2's financial issues seem to be over. I can't remember if I posted them on the blog or if it was shared in conversations with USHW, but she's now at the point where she's considering buying property as an investment. Bear in mind that only a few years ago, she was down to pennies at the end of the month and stressing out about it (it kinda jump-started her career progression).

We spoke about Stalky Guy. KfW2 was surprised that I admitted that if I never saw or spoke to Stalky Guy again that it would not bother me one bit. I don't dislike him, but he was a work colleague, and one who was very well looked after by a succession of bosses. A level of reward that his talent and skills didn't deserve. it was the same with Brusque Guy too, who managed to receive a promotion last year for who-knows-what.

KfW2 asked me about that, and my response was that it had been implied by a series of managers what the success criteria were, but the people who ended up being rewarded failed to fulfil half of them, while I'm sat there with criteria coming out the wazoo.

She's in management now, so even with her management head on, she was sympathetic. She's said it before - she'd love to have me in her team... or someone like me. I dunno that I ever would. the idea of having a friend as a boss fills me with dread, but it's nice that my attributes are appreciated by someone.

Eeek!

While out with Nerdy Girl last night, I got on to the subject of how useless I am at interviews. I've not done one in years, but I have come close a few times within the past few years and even before getting into an interview, I've had panic attacks and withdrawn my application.

I have an application sitting, ready to go. I doubt there are many other people within the company who match the criteria like I do. But I've not even sent in the application and I'm already all over the place.

Since this morning, here's what I've experienced:

• Panic
• Optimism
• Fear
• Light-headed
• Dizzy
• Excitement
• Stress

This is all fed by imposter syndrome and presumably low self-esteem and a lack of experience in doing interviews.

It'll get worse when I submit the application because I will need to prep for it which will stress me out further and I can look forward to these kinds of mood swings until the interview happens.

As I said to NG last night... I can describe this, but I don't think anyone has really understood how bad it is for me, to the point where I have avoided interviews etc. For example,. I might have been unhappy with the favouritism shown towards Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy, but that annoyance and frustration was nothing compared to how I feel when faced with interviews and change and the fear of somehow being found out. CC simply doesn't get it. Her comments usually imply that I should toughen up and get over it, even though she has done the same thing that I did, numerous times. KfW2 is similar. For years, she had panic attacks going for interviews, but she seems to have gotten over that, and is doing that thing that she does where she's now normalised her current behaviour, ignoring the fact that she avoided interviews for well over ten years.

Talking

It was a social day yesterday. First I met a few co-workers, including my boss, Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy. I wasn't really in the mood for it - I've never really gotten over my boss's favouritism of Stalky and Brusque, plus he's let me down a few times when it's really mattered.

Saying that, I'm going to require a favour off the boss soon, plus I really need to get out of the house more and talk to people, so I figured that it was only a few hours. It turned out not to be so bad, plus the timing was good as I was meeting GM to go and see a film.

We had a brief chat after the film, which was great. I had been talking about getting some people out socialising - The Crowd, mainly. It might be a few weeks though there is appetite to get everyone together. GM was talking about potentially bringing out AH and an ex-FwB of his. I don't know that the numbers will work. We still have Covid restrictions and could only have 6 people out. FC, Mrs FC, S, his girlfriend (presumably), GM and myself. If S doesn't invite his girlfriend, that frees up one slot. If it were my choice, I'd choose AH every time. I just never warmed to GM's ex-FwB, I don't know why. I don't dislike her either, by the way, I just didn't click with her .

Of course, GM and I swapped "don't feel like you're stuck in the house, if you're bored come over to mine" messages at the end. I don't think he has cabin fever - he seems socially active on some really interesting looking stuff, but more if he's a bit lonely or needs a chat.

Goals (2021 version)

There's a lot to look forward to in 2021 - specifically everything around getting vaccinated and being able to go out and socialise again. I can't wait for the summer, to have people round for BBQs, to meet KfW2 for our long-awaited adult night or day out, to sit in a pub with FP and just people watch over a few pints.

2020 played havoc with my mental health. As I posted about recently, I have missed socialising and being out and about, despite being an introvert. I have found myself getting lazier, less inclined to leave the house. That's exacerbated the loneliness. I've also been trying to plan out some work that I want done to the house (and can now afford), but I am getting overwhelmed with what needs done. Bearing in mind that, for some reason, I simply can't get people to come and quote me for work (this isn't a pandemic thing - this has been an issue since I moved in), then I also can't get a professional's advice.

Professionally, I had a GREAT year and I'm hoping to see that reflected in a promotion and/or pay rise when that all rolls round in a month or so. It was stressful too - I had a lot on, but I accomplished loads and my work was seen by many managers. I do have issues with my immediate manager taking credit for some good stuff I've done though. I can't prove that he's done it, but the lack of gratitude from senior management in my direction does leave me a little uneasy.

This year though, I'm not looking forward to work. Brusque Guy is back, having been in another team for the past year or so. I don't know why he's re-joining us - it was his choice to leave for a new opportunity and the manager helped make that happen. I like him, personally, I just don't like working with him. I feel the atmosphere in the team was better without him, even if the team was just me and Stalky Guy. There are other things in play that are going to be stressful, too. It could end up being extremely rewarding - learning new skills etc. but I have strong imposter syndrome, and even though this new training is my idea, I like the fact that I am an expert in my current team and am seen as being knowledgeable.

Back to work tomorrow after a week off, but because I've done nothing nor really left the house beyond going to my sister's for Xmas, I don't feel like I've recharged my batteries and I'm really not looking forward to it.

Taking all that into consideration, I only really have one goal for this year (it seems pointless making other plans until we see how the pandemic turns out - meeting new people, travel etc. is still impossible right now) and that's weight loss. Specifically by the end of June. I've not done the numbers nor stepped on a scale since, I dunno, November maybe? But I'm probably looking at something around an average of 2 lbs per week. That's a big ask over a long period of time.

Sometimes I wonder.

Last year, when I was talking to one of my managers about a promotion the subject of attitude came up.

My boss suggested that attitude played a big part in getting a promotion.

"Really?" I queried. "You think it's that important?" I was reeling him in.

"Of course! You need a specific mindset do get ahead."

"So, if someone comes in, only does their job and fucks off home at 5 PM, would you say that's a good attitude?"

"I'd prefer if people didn't do that" he said. A politician's answer.

"Well, Brusque Guy does that and he seems to be very well thought of despite his obvious interpersonal skills" I offered.

"He's good at his job, " explained the manager.

"Well, yes, but we're all good at our jobs. You're talking about something that's meant to set a great employee aside from a decent one. Someone who's going to get promoted. By your own admission, Brusque Guy doesn't meet your own expectations."

Manager changed tack.

"You have to be forward thinking, positive, looking for solutions."

"So if someone is inherently negative, unwilling to change, not able to look to the future and overly cautious, then that's bad?" Manager looked uncomfortable. He knew I'd cornered him again.

"If that's the case, and I agree with you that we should be positive, forward thinking and all that, then you need to look at who's been promoted over the past few years versus who hasn't. People have looked elsewhere for opportunities because people who clearly don't fit your criteria are getting the nod."

I was referencing KfW2 (who had actually moved departments) and myself (who had applied for other jobs but not gotten them).

So fast forward to today. I snapped at Stalky Guy for being inflexible, overly cautious and making a big deal out of nothing because it involved change. It wasn't just today though. He's been repeating the same thing for the past five weeks as we've been involved in a highly visible and technical project.

No, I don't want to check this for the FIFTH FUCKING TIME. Yes, I know it has the potential to delete everything, but we've done our checks, let's just get it fucking done. Yes, I know you think this is scary - you've said this a dozen times a day for weeks.

"Do you want to...?" He leads his sentences with this. He means that he wants to do it this way.

"Do YOU want to?"

"I asked you."

"No, let's just get on with it"

"It's scary"

"You're scared of everything FFS, Stalky Guy. Let's just get this done."

And off he went in a sulk. Fucking man child. Two hours later, as I was leaving the office, he was still sulking. This man is meant to be a leader for fuck sake.

Culmination.

It's the moment of truth this week - my performance review for last year. I'm expecting top marks and a promotion. I think my performances over the past few years have warranted a promotion, but sadly our performance system is not a meritocracy... it's built on personality and favouritism.

According to my boss, in teams where there are lots of high performers, he likes to share out the rewards. Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy have both been the recipient of the rewards over the past few years. This year should be my year.

Regardless of it being my "turn", I actually have done excellently last year.

I'm not interested in the promotion though. It's just a means to getting a semi-decent pay-rise, and that's all I really want. Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy earn significantly more than I do, and I want pay parity for doing the same job to the same standards.

I'll not get pay parity - work is not in the habit of simply giving out 20% pay rises - but I would like that gap to close.

The thing is, I have a gut feeling that I wont get the marks I am anticipating. KfW2 has already said that if I don't, she'll help me with my HR appeal. I have a sneaking suspicion that we'll be having a private chat later this week.

Looking forward.

There will be change this year, guaranteed.

First of all, professionally, things will change. The team I am currently working in is in a state of flux. If I do nothing, I will probably end up working with the same people at the end of the year, albeit using completely new tools and on different things. If I am pro-active, then this will mean a move to a new team or even department. The way things currently are, I'd prefer to have a new start. I want away from Brusque Guy and Stalky Guy as I am being held back by being in their shadow. I mean, I shouldn't be in their shadow - I'm better than they are in lots of things, I just can't turn that into recognition from managers.

There's also an outside chance that I may even move company. A friend and ex-colleague of mine has hinted that there may be openings in the place he now works. If I can get an interview, and get through it (this scares me an awful lot), then that could mean a quite substantial pay rise. While it's not like I'm poorly paid now, nor am I skint come month-end (though there's not a lot left over for luxuries), the pay rise implied would open up lots of things (e.g. travel and house stuff) and probably need a brand new "goals" post to document everything I want to do.

There's also the usual ambitions to lose weight, get fitter and meet new people, but those are minor compared to the professional changes and what that may bring.

And so, I'd like to wish you all a belated Happy New Year. I hope that 2020 beings you good health and fortune.

Chill out

In a one on one meeting with my boss a few days ago he mentioned that he thinks I've been more open, more relaxed over the past few months.

You know, it's probably true. Things have been decent enough in work recently and there are real signs that my peers are recognising my input in ways that my boss can see. My boss himself has implied (or let slip) that a promotion is coming my way in the next few months - September or October.

Also, one of my co-workers has been out for the past two months. He can be difficult and while I don't actively dislike him, I think his absence has been calming. He's an angry, semi-aggressive, rude/brusque person, so having him about raises the tension levels. Or at least I believe that it does.

There's also the fact that, completely unbeknownst to my boss, I've been formulating some plans for the future of the team with some other people. A future that would be interesting, definitely help with any promotion chances (if the next few months don't come to pass as expected) and get me away from Stalky Guy and Brusque Guy.

I can't say that it's definitely one or the other. I'd suggest a combination of both definitely with an emphasis on the former - the knowledge of a promotion would definitely help, so does the thought of a change of scenery, a break up of the two favourites etc.

Of course, there are other changes afoot that no-one else knows about.