Let's see what happens.

I spoke to KfW2 last night. I was going to suggest we did dinner, as that's what I've been trying to get her out for, pretty much all year.

But she was quick to suggest we did a Christmas Market afternoon/evening with her eldest son in tow. That's what we did last year and while it's not the alone time I want, it's pretty much all I'm going to get. And that's not to say that last year wasn't fun - it absolutely was.

But, you know, it's been tough this year, and I wanted the intimacy of dinner and drinks and to be able to chat, face to face, with one of my closest friends.

Sadly though, we don't have a date nailed down because the entire family, including KfW2, are fucking useless at arranging anything.

Interestingly, as part of the conversation, I mentioned that JB was leaving for a new job and KfW2 declared, quite confidently, that she used to have notions of me. Now, I don't believe this for a second, and it also turned out that I think she was thinking of Ideas Girl. But then KfW2 also suggested that IG was not the only one who has romantic notions.

This is news to me. The only other person that I am sure had less than platonic thoughts about me was CH, and she clearly wasn't going to be sharing that with anyone else. is KfW2 just mistaken or did she know more than she let on? (For the record, even if she did know something, she has clearly forgotten any details.)

KfW2 also asked if I had been speaking to CH recently, but we've not communicated directly in years.

Reminisce.

Facebook's memories from today involved a photo dump by GB. That's not unusual. We've been at so many over the years that they pop up fairly regularly. Today's one, though, reminded me of a specific night, ten years ago.

It was a Hallowe'en party. CH was out. We sat at the same table and CH was extremely tactile. There are pictures of us together.

I'm pretty sure this was the night that CC expressed an interest in GM, romantically. It's also the night that CH "grabbed" my butt. Well, not grabbed per se, but as we stood at the bar, chatting, someone came to take a picture. She put her hand on my shoulder. As the picture was taken and the photographer (probably JB or GB) walked away, she slid her hand down my back to my ass. And it just kinda stayed there for a bit.

I miss those days. I miss the ambiguous stuff with CH. And I miss actually feeling something for someone... I genuinely can't remember being genuinely excited by someone since the days of CH and CB.

Out of the blue!

In another out-of-the-blue announcement, JB posted a picture on Facebook of a baby. Much like her wedding announcement last year, this was completely out of the blue. JB and I aren't exactly close., but had we been in the office, we would have chatted and both her wedding and pregnancy wouldn't have been a surprise.

In roughly 9 weeks time, it'll have been two years since we were in the office. Two years FFS.

Surprise!

And in a surprising move, JB has posted a picture on Facebook. She's married. I knew she was engaged, but I never knew that she had a date set. Or rather, I think she was due to get married last year but it was put on hold because of the pandemic and lockdowns. So, congrats to JB.

Sexing it up.

Apparently the story goes that the HR department asked the attractive 26-year old if she would star in their recruitment video. She turned them down but was happy to help out in other ways, in a less prominent role. So they went ahead and made the film with her working alongside your modern I.T. bloke. 

"Don't worry... the emphasis will be on him," they promised.

So, Sexy Co-worker appeared an awful lot in what was ostensibly a "diary" of his normal day. I don't know if she picked her own wardrobe, but I've never seen her running around the office in a tight jumper and short skirt before. Well, maybe the jumper.

Lo and behold, when surfing Facebook last week, someone had shared a recruitment post for our company. Something to do with finance. Whose face was front and centre for this job advertisement? Yup, Sexy Co-worker. She's a software developer, nothing to do with Finance. But then later... the same face, different job. And again today for an HR position.

It's nothing new. Our place has used attractive (female) employees before for posters. There's one out there with KfW2 and SBF. But I've never seen it done to this extent, where one person has been "pushed" so much. And while I often mention (and appreciate) how attractive I think women like KfW2, JB, SSCW, CH, Pretty blonde or Quiet Girl, or one of GM's exes are, they're not an indicator of the workforce, which is pretty much as you might expect from an I.T. company.

The morning after.

It was the work Xmas party last night. KfW2 didn't go in the end - she's not feeling well at the moment. I was back home and binge-watching some TV all night, so I wasn't there either, despite GM's ex-gf (I mentioned her a few posts back) trying to talk me into turning up later for a few drinks.

Strangely, apart from JB, there's been little posted on Facebook.

Just stuff.

Chatting to JB today and she surprised me by telling me that she was engaged. I offered my congratulations. She's been dating her boyfriend for around ten years. I'm surprised it didn't happen earlier.

She showed me her ring. I feigned interest. It was nice enough. Gold, but I'm more of a silver platinum man.

Still, I'm delighted for her.

More.

Off the back of this post, I got a lovely message from JB tonight after the recent anniversary that I mentioned.

The fact her dates were slightly wrong means nothing, the fact her message itself was lovely was nice, the fact she got in touch at all is the important bit.

Talky. Movey. Friendy.

A few weeks ago, while chatting to JB at a work event, we were talking about CC. In fact, we were in contact with her via text, trying to get her to come out, but she was having none of it.

JB then stated that she thought CC had a hard time talking to people.

"I think she relies on us because she finds us easy to talk to, more than other people."

She does have a hard time talking to people. Sometimes, talking to me, even I find her difficult. KfW2 has said the same, though I get the impression that KfW2 finds her a lot more difficult than I do. At least, difficult more frequently.

She only lives a few hundred metres from my house, but I've never been to her's. That's going to change though, because she's asked me to give her a hand moving some furniture, presumably over the next few days.

More pondering.

One of the bigger work events of the year is now over and done. As usual, it was brilliant fun. Early on, the group of people that I was sat with were sitting beside a table that included the foreign girl that I had contemplated making some effort with. It also included a girl that Stalky Guy has shown an interest in, and another girl who's attractive, that I've never mentioned before.

Obviously, nothing happened. Stalky Guy is extremely weird about his private life and that includes anything that might happen on a night out, so he's never going to approach anyone with work colleagues about. I think this object of his affection is spoken for anyway (there are others).

Regardless to any of that, the one talking point as it were, was a conversation I had with one of Ideas Girl's friends and JB. There was yet another hint at IG being romantically interested in me. I don't know if JB picked up on it, but she did ask if we were friends. We are friends, but nothing more than that in my opinion.

Still, that's now over, but there's more to look forward to over the next week or so - a night out with G, doing a moral support role with GM at a speed dating event during the week, a big night out next weekend and a few days off work following that.

Sigh.

The dreams, or rather, remembering dreams is coming thick and fast these days. Last night's was a little on the weird side. Without going into detail it involved JB asking me to be her gym buddy as she was getting beach ready. I refused, for reasons I can't remember. Cut to later when JB and KfW2 (who ended up being her gym buddy) are showing off their abs. Mmm... girls with abs.

This then seemed to segue into some kind of Pirates of the Caribbean adventure (complete with Jack Sparrow) that somehow involved zombies and machine guns.

Then I woke up.

Then KfW2 was in contact in work to let me know she wasn't going to make our work event tonight. I was disappointed. Today was chosen specifically because she had a babysitter, but as she's been running around this week after her eldest son (who's got no life skills), it was inevitable that she would work from home today and that would scupper her socialising.

But then she let slip that she and her friend downed over three bottles of wine yesterday and that she was massively hungover today and this, in fact, was the reason she won't come out tonight.

It's not often I'm actually angry at/with KfW2, but this is definitely one of those times.

Unexpected.

It could be a somewhat unexpected busy weekend, socially. I'm out tomorrow with a few people from work - my team, really. Though there's a possibility that we might bump into a few more work people while  out - Ideas Girl or maybe JB. That means I expect tomorrow to be quite drunken. I could also bump into S as well, as I know he's due to be out and about.

There's an outside chance that, on Saturday night, KfW2 could invite me out. She's out with a close mate - arguably her closest friend - but that wouldn't mean that anyone else is precluded. Plus I get along brilliantly with her friend.

On Sunday, I have a few hours in the pub pencilled in with FP, possibly with GM as well.

And finally, with taking some time on Monday, KfW2 has suggested she visits with the family.

I'm expecting all of that to happen, with the exception of the Saturday night thing, so even so, it should be a fun, busy and packed weekend.

Talky time.

JB and CC called round last night. I initially thought independently, but I subsequently understood that JB wanted CC to be there. Who knows why? JB has always been a little weird like that.

I've been asking JB to call round for ages. Ever since I moved in, to be honest and she always promised to, but never made any plans.

However, the two of them were here for over an hour or so and it was nice to have visitors and have a bit of chat.

CC was talking about getting back into her fitness regime again after her recent trip to America. She had mentioned the possibility of joining a gym previously, and this was brought up again, though brushed over in favour of her non-gym things - she's does various things about four times per week).

I'd entertained the gym idea and had spoken about it with USHW, though my confidence issues always made me reticent about doing it again. However, there's a local gym that's quite cheap that's tempting. If I could get a personal trainer for a reasonable price, then that may well seal the deal. However, I was paying GC almost £30 per hour back in 2006, so I've no idea how much they are now.

While the house isn't crippling me financially, it's certainly tighter than it was this time last year. Financially, my plan of joining a gym and perhaps seeing a PT a couple of times a month for regular checkpoints might not be do-able. It's potentially £100 per month that I can spend better elsewhere right now.

If CC brings up the gym thing again, I'll look into it, but she'll be doing all the running for this and I'll only agree if the price is right. I'm hoping that, within the next two weeks, my phase one of decorating will be complete and that should mean I can at least get back to my yoga routine that I did a few years ago.

I enjoyed that, was motivated to do it and managed to lose 10 lb in about 10 weeks with a couple of small dietary tweaks as well. Perhaps I should give that a go again and maybe only go down the gym route if the yoga doesn't pay off?

After all, I now have a couple of previously unused rooms that now need furnished with an eye on larger-scale works around the rest of the house.

Tonight's £130 million jackpot would come in handy right about now.

A new chapter starts.

Call it the magic of Christmas or call it the magic of alcohol or whatever you want to call it, but whatever it is, it worked.

It was the work's Xmas party and I wasn't in great form. I couldn't really put a finger on why I wasn't in great form, but there was none of the usual socialising that I tend to do during these things.

CH was very visible, pretty much being on the dancefloor from the end of the meal for a good few hours, often on her own.

I, myself, was very drunk. When talking to KfW2, the subject of CH came up. Specifically, I'd be talking to a friend of CH's (GWTNA) who'd been asking me why CH and I hadn't been dancing. When I confessed that we didn't really talk any more, that CH had fallen out with me (rather than the other way around), she was sympathetic.

"You two were good friends. You should go talk to her," she suggested.

I replied that it had crossed my mind and it was this conversation that I relayed to KfW2.

She suggested the same thing, but I was dubious. CH is a very stubborn woman, especially if she thinks she's been crossed. I didn't want to risk a full blown argument - CH could do that, I think.

So, I went about my night, messaging people, chatting and doing an awful lot of drinking.

On my way to talk to JB, I noticed CH, on her own, looking for something so I approached her as she turned around. Initially, we didn't say anything. I just hugged her. I told her that I had missed talking to her and that I'd heard her news and was so glad for her.

We spoke further - she explained that she had gone through a rough patch at the start of the year. I explained that I had too, which was why I wanted to talk to her and that I was disappointed she hadn't shared that with me. We chatted for a bit, but the important pieces had already been said. No-one really apologised, we just acknowledged the breakdown in communications and moved on. A message I sent earlier that evening, to SG I think, I think suggested that I'd never see CH again. I don't know whether this is true or not - CH's availability is always in question - but if we do, it'll be as friends.

She'd claimed that, regardless of my approaching her at the party, she had included me in her goodbye email. It's tradition in my place to send out an email to those who've made a big impact on your life/career as you move on to pastures new, and apparently I was going to be in receipt of hers, if not specifically mentioned.

GB returned to the table from dancing and was delighted that CH and I were talking again.

Also, worth point out that CH's tactility came back instantly. There were lots of kisses, back stroking and vague not-quite-arse grabbing. All the things that made nights out with CH enjoyable but frustrating.

And with that, the night ended... for about five minutes until KfW2 talked me into going to the after party. And so, the night finally concluded at 4AM, drunken and emotional (due to a conversation with KfW2 about loneliness).

Suffice to say, the next day wasn't great. I had an actual hangover for the first time in ages and the lack of sleep hit me hard (I'd been out late on the Wednesday for one of the early Star Wars screenings with SG).

I had another sleepless night last night, so I'm pretty much running on empty right now.

Fun, fun, fun.

I'm going to leave my annual looking forward post until the weekend. In my mind, the year doesn't start properly until the Monday/my holidays are over, but I still have New Year's Eve to report on...

Despite all the stress and worrying in the run up, last night turned out to be tremendous fun. I met with JB at my preferred venue and sat with her and her friends for a couple of hours until I heard from GM. I finished my drink and left to join GM and S, which was round 11:15 PM. S's preferred venue was much better than last year - more people, better atmosphere, less dicking about by his mates etc. I still, I think, prefer my venue - the atmosphere is better, the vibe is more relaxed, the standard of attractive women was roughly similar and the music was better. It wasn't as clear cut as last year though.

There was some fun with S's friend, a couple of girls from out of town, a stunning blonde statuesque German girl, but little in the way of scandal.

I finally got my ass into bed around 4 AM and slept until about 10 AM. GM and I have been swapping text messages all day, reliving some of the antics last night.

Oh, and as an aside, and as you probably already guess by now given the lack of reference, there was no sign of CB last night.

End of year blues (cont'd)

JB's just been in contact to say that they're going to be in the pub I wanted to to go to. She's suggested I pop in for a drink, which kind of takes me back to my original plan of heading there first then meeting up with S.

I'm expecting contact from GM in about 2 hours to let me know his plans and how they tie in with S, so hopefully it should be all sewn up before 8 PM and I won't be running around waiting for phone calls at 10 PM like I was last year.

Like last year, this is a rollercoaster, though this one might at least have a more positive ending.

Oh, and a disclaimer... assuming that CB is in the bar and I am still there when she arrives, without a wingman, it's unlikely I'll do anything, even with my previous post about regrets. You can't underestimate my crippling shyness and lack of confidence, especially around girls I'm attracted to.

In the cold light of day...

I was wary about this year's Christmas event due to getting far too drunk last year and making comments to KfW2 that I really shouldn't have about her appearance. They weren't all negative, but they shouldn't have been said.

When the guys suggested that, once again, we start in a nearby bar early, I was apprehensive. I shouldn't have worried though. We might have started early, but we were sensible in our intake. By the time it came to join the rest of our colleagues, we were tipsy but nowhere near as drunk as the same stage last year.

In fact, I'd had a lot of comments all night from people who told me that I didn't seem to be that drunk, including KfW2 and CH. It was a weird night with CH, though. Even from within the hotel, she'd tried calling me before the meal and afterwards for reasons unknown. When we did manage to find each other, we didn't get a chance to sit and chat. Every time we did bump into each other, someone else would interrupt and take one of us away. After having yet another coffee cancelled last week, I very much wanted to sit down and talk to her about her reliability as mentioned a few weeks ago, but the chance never arose. More on that later, though.

People might not have thought I was drunk, but I was in a great mood that was partly fuelled by alcohol. It was the type of mood I often post about on here where the shyness etc. never comes into play. People who don't know me that well would see any of the following as being out of character, but I had:

• Been very chatty to some cute women I've never spoken to before
• Gotten one of them on the dance floor for a laugh
• Kissed JB (not anything untoward, but simply a big smack on the lips with comedy 'MWAH') as I walked past her
• Engaged in banter with our managing director

I'm also pretty sure one of CH's male friends was making moves on her at the end of the night. His actions really reminded me of the night that E3 came on to me. She seemed totally unfazed about it though (or didn't notice), so I have no plans to follow up on this.

On the bus on the way home, one of GM's (stunning) exes was chatting away to me. She offered her lap as a seat, but I declined, explaining jokingly that I was a big lad and would break her legs. I told Stalky Guy about this yesterday and you could almost feel the jealousy seeping through the Whatsapp messages.

I sent CH a text message... a cryptic "We need to talk". When I awoke the next morning, there were a couple of messages from her. "Why?" "What's up?" "Are you OK?"

While not hungover, I needed to gather my thoughts. My head's often fuzzy after a night's drinking even if I don't get hangovers in the traditional sense. Instead I called KfW2 and we talked about the night out. She'd enjoyed herself and reiterated my so-called good behaviour. KfW2 laughed when I told her what I'd actually done. During the phone call, CH sent yet another message telling me that I was acting weird. After the phone call from KfW2 ended, I tried to call CH but I was directed to voice mail so I sent a text message instead, explaining everything. Or at least enough to start a conversation.

That was at 4 PM yesterday and I'm still to receive a reply from CH. As USHW said to me, it's now out there and we can address it or not. If our friendship means as much to CH as she recently, drunkenly, confessed, then she'll deal with it. If not...

Planning (cont'd 2)

All last week, as a result of feeling a little low and a little lonely, I was trying to get GM (and others, but specifically GM) out for a few drinks. In a roundabout way, that happened - S turned down the invite, but then issued a counter-invite to join him and his mates.

GM decided that he fancied a fancy dress night out and that was all planned. I was due to be out with work for our usual monthly even, but I couldn't make up my mind whether to go or not. JB and the stalky fella mentioned a few posts ago spent days trying to talk me into it and somewhat against my better judgement, I agreed to go out.

I was only planning on going for the free drinks we usually get and then come home and get ready for GM's phone call... but the two free drinks turned into five... then eight... then ten. By the time I left at around 8PM, I was slightly more tipsy than I had planned and that's where the entire evening's plans fell apart.

S doesn't usually leave his house until after 10PM, so I had two hours to kill. I walked the fifteen minutes back to my apartment and watched the telly, waiting for the phone call or text message that would let me know they were on their way and I could make my way to the agreed pub and meet them.

Stopping drinking is the worst thing I can do, though. Once I was on the sofa watching TV, lethargy and apathy kicked in. When the message finally came, I was pretty exhausted, comfortable and looking out the window at heavy rain. Even text messages from JB asking me to come out weren't enough to prise me away from the house.

So, no hangover today, but a bit of regret and anger at myself that I didn't go out last night with GM. That's all my fault - the mistake was going to the work thing.

Here we go again.

It was our monthly work night out on Friday night and it was a good night, even if most of my usual acquaintances didn't turn up. I did my usual semi-flirting with JB with liberal doses of cheek and boundary pushing. I'm surprised she doesn't slap me to be honest. Fun aside, I called it quits at a sensible time and headed home.

I have a night out with CH and a mutual acquaintance in a few weeks that I am really looking forward to. There's also an option to invite MFF out as she knows everyone else who's going out, in fact she's good friends with CH and our mutual acquaintance.

I'm being selfish though. The idea of inviting MFF out is purely to see if we can talk about CB, rather than enjoy her company directly.

Regardless of who goes out, I can definitely see CH talking about my relationship status. If MFF is out, then that could easily segue into a conversation about CB (she's still the last person I've seen whilst out and about who really made an impression on me).

USHW doesn't think it will pan out that way and she might have a point. I still have issues in steering conversations the way I want them to go and it always feels awkward to me to be more direct in nudging a conversation the way I want.

The choice seems to be either to invite MFF and hopefully move the CB forward or to finally lay it to rest or not to invite MFF and enjoy the drunken flirting that CH seems to indulge in (the reason it's a choice is that I don't think she'd ever do it in front of her friends).

The relationship status unhappiness is almost constant these days, from being something that only came about a couple of times per year and I'm very much looking for a long-term rather than short-term solution.

*hic*

The big planned night out turned out to be a huge success. Pretty much everyone turned up who said they would and anyone who didn't had already said that they wouldn't, with the exception of JB, but she was an outside bet.

While I really enjoyed the night and had a great time, part of me was expecting something more. Something more than simply sitting round a table and chatting with a dozen or so friends... I did want to sit down with GM and S and talk about getting out to meet people - the pub, dating nights or whatever - but that never happened. I had a gut feeling that something unexpected was going to happen, that my stars were going to align and I'd meet someone, a potential girlfriend, a one night stand, a fuck buddy, a new friend, just someone, but that never panned out either.

I ended up being very drunk, in a good way, and managed to leave the pub and stagger home (stagger being the operative word).

I'm glad I got everyone out. I really needed it, I think. The ongoing funk that I talk about in this post is still an issue (hence wanting to talk to GM) and especially the meeting someone angle. Reading other blogs, especially some dating blogs just makes me angry - my experiences with online dating, while comparable to KfW2's husband and GM as well, are not those of the bloggers I've been reading. Even Tinder is not showing me ANY matches

CH asked recently if I had given up on online dating, or specifically, had I closed my accounts. I did confirm and say to CH that I was disappointed that no-one seems to realise how my online dating experiences at the start of the year had effected me, how down I was about it.

It's the same old story... I do need to sit down and chat to someone - preferably GM or KfW2, but CH would work too.