Plans.

As expected/predicted, an email came out about a work Halloween party. It's been years since I was last at one, but our regular monthly thing is less frequent now and I could do with a night out.

I asked who was going in my work chat with Stalky Guy and Quiet Girl.

"I'll go," said Quiet Girl, "but I'm not dressing up."

I knew this. QG is definitely not the "dressing up" sort, and I'm glad cos that means she'll be wearing her usual attire: jeans and a t-shirt and I get to surreptitiously admire her ass.

So that's three definite social engagements in the diary: I'm meeting Nerdy Girl on Friday for drinks, it's just over a week until I head out with D, FBS etc. and then just over two weeks until this work thing with QG.

Still outstanding: a night out with AM (and QC1 etc.) and a rescheduled night out with KfW2, but that's unlikely to be for at least 5 weeks. Oh, and a potential meet up with M.

Boys only.

As part of a social event a few weeks ago, I was chatting with both G and KfW2. KfW2 knew that G and I had known each other a while, but I don't think it ever registered with her how long. I'm pretty sure I've told her, but she'd forgotten.

We got talking about school. One of KfW2's friends is now a teacher at my old high school. However, for reasons they couldn't explain, they assumed it was an all-boys school. or they did until she started work and saw a girl in school uniform and the penny dropped. I've never made any secret of it when talking to KfW2, but I guess the subject of girls at school never came up.

I know that I've spoken here before about crushes on girls like E3, SJ and possibly others. I don't think I've ever shared a specific story about my school days or crushes on girls like SJ with KfW2. 

What I have done, though, is tell her about the time that E3 made her move on me at M's 40th birthday party. I'm pretty sure that I explained that E3 was a friend from school. However, that was 14 years ago. KfW2 not only knows about AM, one of my closest friends at school, but has actually met her.Some days, KfW2 can't remember getting out of bed in the morning, so no real surprise.

But yesterday's introspection and trip down memory lane reminded me of that conversation from a few weeks back.

Happy talk.

I meant to call KfW2 yesterday to suggest we meet for coffee today. She doesn't work on Fridays and I am taking personal time this week.

I forgot though, and called her this morning. She didn't pick up.

It was almost inevitable that the phone rang as I was just about to step into the shower. I literally had one foot in when the phone went. In total there were three calls, as she kept needing to hang up to do something: put petrol in her car, call her daughter and pick up her daughter. But in total, these three calls totalled nearly an hour.

I would far rather have done the chat over a coffee, but that's entirely on me. I'm pretty sure she'd have agreed to meet if I'd called yesterday.

Get out.

It's only been a week and a bit since I was meant to do dinner and drinks with KfW2. The recent night out with G has given me a taste for... something. I would try with KfW2 to rearrange something... and I will... but she's unlikely to have any free time until near the end of November.

There's a potential work night out at the end of this month, but that's 4 weeks away. I have a definite night out with D, FBS and Friction Guy in three weeks time.

That's the kind of thing that I'm craving - a night out with friends somewhere that I don't usually go. Interaction with strangers, too. That's what I got with G on Saturday.

I think it ties into the whole loneliness thing from last week, too. 

Out and about.

Sadly, KfW2 wasn't in contact yesterday as she promised. On the flip side, G was. He asked if I was up to going out for a few drinks, and I was. I quite fancied some time in the pub, chatting and people watching. I have been out of the house quite a lot this past 2 weeks, but not in a way that scratches a social itch.

And I spent the night chatting to G and eyeing up some cute brunettes, one of whom sorta resembled Holly Marie Combs and a really cute petite woman who was dancing nearby.

It was just the tonic I needed - a change of scenery, some different company and an evening of possibilities (even if I was never going to actually take any of them if they presented themselves.

Hello, goodbye.

I got through a lot of socialising yesterday. I'd list the names of those in attendance, a lot of which would be familiar to readers of this blog, but the ones I wanted to call out were KfW2 and G. I also didn't do as much mingling as I perhaps should have. I pretty much neglected some family, though not on purpose.

When KfW2 was leaving, she promised to call today, so I'm hoping to hear from her. I might also be meeting G again this evening for a few quiet drinks. That'd also be welcome.

Too long.

GM called round last night. That's the first I've seen him in, I dunno, maybe 18 months. And it kinda made me a bit sad. GM needs a friend, but by his own admission, is useless at staying in contact. He's still getting over his last breakup which has cost him a friend group, he's facing his own issues with mental health and family. More socialising would help him a lot, I think, and I think he realises that too.

We settled in for a chat, and were still going after two and a half hours. And it wasn't small talk, it was a proper chat. That's why I liked spending time with GM. It's the kind of chat I don't get from many other people. Offhand, I can only think of G and KfW2 where we actually get into the meat and drink of the things we talk about, and I don't have that enough in my life, I think.

Having recognised his inability to be in contact more, will that change? I'm pessimistic. GM has admitted his uselessness before while at the same time desiring more in-person time with his friends. Is this a genuine turning point or just the same thing again?

Talk back.

I did send out the messages to The Crowd and D, FBS etc. and got the messages back that I'd expected. I think GM said that he'd call round to see me. On a side note, while I've spoken to KfW2 a couple of times, I'm a little sad she hasn't actually visited.

I will see her tomorrow, albeit only for a few minutes, but it'll be great to see her.  

D'oh!

I was chatting to KfW2 earlier and I realised that I needed to share some news with The Crowd and D, FBS etc. So I've fired off a quick WhatsApp message to all of them, to keep them updated.

Que sera sera

Right about now, I should be leaving the house to meet KfW2 for dinner and drinks. A "date" that I've been trying to arrange for ages and something I've been looking forward to for a long time. However, family stuff has gotten in the way and it hasn't yet resolved itself.

The expectation was that it could have been finished, or this stage finished, a few days ago, but it's just taking a long time to get to the point that my sister and I want to be.

KfW2 has been in touch daily since we decided to rain check. As much as her flakiness can frustrate me, when she needs to step up, when things get serious, she can be relied on.

Plot twist.

Until yesterday, part of me had expected KfW2 to invite CC to our dinner and drinks. It was a gut feeling. I was getting the same vibes as I had done from a few years ago where KfW2 refused to commit to a time for dinner and when I tried to book something, options were limited.

When I offered her the choice of where to go and the times, she threw a huff and shared that she'd also invited CC, and we ultimately met for dinner at a restaurant near her house (20 miles away) and that was it - no drinks after or anything.

So, yeah, given her inability/reluctance to nail down a time for dinner, I was getting those vibes again. 

But then it turns out that I'd forgotten that CC's in Portugal with GB. A fact that I was only reminded about when GB posted on Facebook. Lots of pictures of food, no pictures of CC in a bikini.

Well, fuck.

The bad news that I was hoping to share with KfW2 at the weekend has gotten worse to the point where I might actually have to rain check the dinner "date" with KfW2 on Saturday.

Part of me thinks I should call her tonight and just do it, but part of me thinks that things could stretch out for a week or so and I really could do with a night out with someone who wasn't family. So that part of me is thinking that I give it 24 hours before I make a decision.

Finally!

It's only taken a week and FOUR requests, but KfW2 has, at last, told me when she's free this weekend. I've managed to book the restaurant and now I pivot to a different kind of stress. Will she be on time? 

Oh, and she's invited someone out to join us after food. They may or may not come out. Sigh. I'm really disappointed that she doesn't get it by now, that getting her out, on her own, is a big deal to me. It was only a few days ago that I told her I was really looking forward to this night out.

I have news to share. It's not good news, though it's not unexpected. But it's the type of news that, once shared, would make anyone feel guilty that meeting up, face to face, is this much work. It's news that she will want to know.

But, y'know, even with it all, I'm looking forward to it, to seeing her and having at least an hour or so to ourselves at the very least. 

Out and about.

FBS messaged last night. Not specifically to me, but in the group chat with D and Friction Guy. So we could potentially have a night out in October.

That means that before the end of October I could have about 4 nights out. Next Friday, I'm out with my sister at a pub quiz. the following week, I'm out with KfW2. Potentially there's a work night out at the end of September, and if not, a near-guaranteed one in October.

Plus this planned October night with FBS etc. 

I'm looking forward to them all. 

Just do it.

Today, I've been swapping text messages with USHW, and as part of that, I've been sharing my plans for the house and the work involved. And, I'm not going to lie, it's made me anxious. I think it's the scope of things that need done and especially the number of people I need to talk to in order to get the work done. Until now, it's all be compartmentalised: plan stage 1, do stage 1, plan stage 2, do stage 2 etc. but chatting with USHW has reminded me of the scope and it's something I'm not really cut out to deal with on my own.

That's always been an issue for me. I'm just not great at dealing with people... strangers... especially in real life. I worry about getting out someone who will do shoddy work, for example. Or get someone who's difficult to deal with. And I know it's all worrying about something that will likely not happen.

I know what I want to do. I'd say that the actual planning is 90% done. The remaining 10% is picking out a new kitchen and fine tuning some bits and pieces off the back of that. But I kinda know what kind of kitchen I want, what colours I'm interested in, the layout, where the various appliances are going to go etc.

I just need to put on my big boy pants and do some fucking adulting. 

Looking up.

As part of the ongoing family stuff, I had to make another journey into the city centre this morning to pay some bills. Sigh.

However, on the way out of the city centre, a group of about 20 American people got on the bus. Two talking points: the girl who was leading the group looked like a cross between E and Quiet Girl or Kate Mara... so extremely cute. And secondly, the journey they took was like a 10 minute walk (6 minutes on the bus). It's not like it was a difficult trip - it was literally a straight line from the bus stop to their destination. And the weather's really pleasant, too.

So, yeah, very cute American woman made a portion of the journey quite pleasant. 

I decided to get some groceries in, too. So while I was wandering around the local shopping centre, I decided to all KfW2. It was a short-ish call by our standards (10 mins) but we've tentatively agreed to meet for dinner and drinks at the end of the month. Yay!

There are a couple of social things happening this month plus an outside chance of a work event, too. 

Ring, ring.

A surprise phone call from KfW2 earlier. Unsurprisingly, she was in the car on her way back from the shops, cramming some last-minute chores into time she didn't have because she's off on a family weekend away for her mother-in-law's birthday.

The conversation was cut short because her husband was calling her and she promised to call back.

She didn't, of course. And I wasn't expecting her to: she had to go home, pack, sort our her three manic kids and leave for a 60 mile trip to the Air BnB.

But I sent her a message - Facebook reminded me of a visit to my house from KfW2 about ten years ago with her eldest daughter in tow, and I got a couple of really cute pics. I sent them on to KfW2. she replied quickly.

"I totally forgot to call you back! When are you free next?" 

Free next for what? A phone call? Dinner and drinks? I was getting mixed vibes from the question.

"I'm free anytime"

That's true.  After a busy-ish July, my diary is empty.

How long will it take KfW2 to reply? 

Talky.

KfW2 has been chatty today... at least via text message. That's weird for two reasons: firstly, she's been difficult to contact recently and getting a response from one text message is usually considered a bit of a result. Secondly, she's back at work today after over three weeks off. She gets super-focused when she's at work and doesn't usually reply to messages until after she's clocked off, but I must have gotten half a dozen messages today.

Wind down.

I only left the house to go to the cinema, so it's not like I can claim that I've done hours of chores, but that little thing alone has made me feel like I've accomplished something today.

And that's the last thing, socially, that I have on my radar for the foreseeable future. July was decent: work event, out with AM, out with G, a week off work, dog-sitting and a gig with AM and Quiet Girl (technically June, but it kinda fits this time period to count it as July).

KfW2 was in contact late on Friday night, claiming that she's on a detox, having been drunk for the past three weeks while she was on holiday. So that potentially means that her offer to take me out won't be any time soon, which is disappointing.

Things that make you go "hmmm"...

Hot on the heels of my sex dream featuring CC a few days back, I had another one last night. This time it featured KfW2. Maybe calling it a sex dream is a bit much, but it did involve KfW2 and I being in a relationship. Sex wasn't the focus of the dream, though there were scenes where we were in bed, naked, and sex was implied. The focus was KfW2 trying to get me to open up, to communicate and to vocalise my feelings for her.

However, no matter how many times I told her that I loved her, she couldn't hear it or refused to acknowledge that I'd said the words. 

While CC's appearance in a sex dream was bemusing, KfW2's appearance is causing a little more confusion. I know that sex dreams aren't literal, but that still doesn't stop me from being concerned about KfW2's appearance in last night's dream.

In real life, KfW2 has made a couple of comments about the fact I've not told her that I love her as much as she thinks I should. Maybe it's just me, but while I have said it to her and meant it, telling someone else's wife that I love them on a regular basis, even platonically, doesn't sit right with me.

My friendship with KfW2 is very special to me, it's extremely important to me and I know that it's not something that's common: a single guy being close to a married woman. I know people have raised eyebrows that we've gone to the pub and gotten drunk together or that I've stayed overnight at her house while her husband was away. I'm not even talking about strangers who barely know us but people who've met us both, like CH, for example. 

I know CH was always intrigued by my friendship with KfW2, specifically that it was very much a two-way friendship and that KfW2 was as much a driver for us doing dinner and drinks as I was. This was obviously in stark contrast to my friendship with CH. My brother-in-law was surprised when I'd said that I'd been at KfW2's one evening for drinks while her husband was out with his friends, and he didn't return home until lunchtime the next day. 

So, yeah, I love that KfW2 wants me to tell her that I love her even if it doesn't always sit right with me, because it reminds me that she cares.

But really, the events in the dream better mirror my relationship with FA2. We weren't great communicators, though FA2 might argue that she was (she wasn't). I didn't vocalise my feelings towards her as often as she wanted, though from my perspective, I always thought my actions should have said enough. She needed to hear the words though. And one aspect of the dream rang true: I did say the words. She claims I never did.

It's safe to say that I'm a little confused this morning, the dream has thrown me a little, and I miss KfW2.