Just reminiscing stuff.

It's E's birthday today. I sent her a quick message on Facebook, but I'll follow up with something private later. I had meant to send her a small gift this year, but it slipped my mind a few weeks ago and I actually realised earlier that I don't have her new address since she moved out/broke up with her long-term partner at the start of the year.

It also prompted some memories of visiting her at this time of year, going on all-day drinking sessions, playing pool and getting drunk.

One particular time, we were playing pool and had been in the bar all afternoon. It was a gloriously sunny day. I was at the pool table taking a shot when E trundles over.

"That girl who walked in is right up your street"

I looked over. Tall, brunette, attractive. Dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.

"She bloody well is!" I declared.

The funny thing is, I don't ever remember having a conversation with E about my physical preferences in women. Had I simply forgotten (a possibility given our late-night drunken chats) or was she just observant? I certainly couldn't tell you what E's "type" was... even now, having met quite a number of E's exes, I can't put my finger on any common physical traits.

Still... Happy Birthday E. I wish we could be out, getting drunk and playing pool for old time's sake. I do miss you.

Status Update: Week 9

The magic number this week is 229 lbs, up nearly 1 lb since last week. Again, calorie counting fell away this week, though I was eating the same kinda things to the same portion sizes (roughly) as I have been doing since I started calorie counting. Plus, I was a lot more active this week, with gardening and various other household chores.

I wasn't expecting to lose a large amount, though I wasn't exactly expecting to gain any either. Presumably eye-balling my portions wasn't as effective or accurate as I thought.

Time to get back on the calorie counting and proper tracking of proper exercise.

Fly away.

I've been doing a lot of daydreaming during lockdown, especially around travel. There's a lot I'd like to do. Visit E, for starters. That's viable - I've done it before and I'd do it again, if I had the time.

So I've been daydreaming more about what I do/where I'd go if I won the lottery.

Visiting E is still top of the list, but my flights and accommodation become a lot more up-market. Business or First Class instead of economy. Five star hotels instead of hostels, as it was last time.

I've also, out of the blue, been daydreaming about going somewhere hot and sunny, like the Maldives to spend some time lazing about, learning how to scuba dive, zooming about on jet skis. It's not something I've ever considered before, but the desire to do this hit me quite hard this afternoon.

Ouch.

Recently, I've been doing some work on my house. I'm not a big fan of DIY (quite frankly, I'm useless at all but the most basic of tasks) and would far rather pay someone to do the/a job properly. However, in order to do all the work I want to the house would cost many thousands of pounds. And that's money I don't have, unless I win the lottery.

But, thanks to some inspiration from my sister and a few favours called in from my brother-in-law, I could have a brand new front and back garden for a modest outlay and some physical labour. It's the physical labour that's prompted this post.

It's killing me... specifically, my back.The digging, carrying bucks and wheelbarrows of garden waste about... it's really ramming home how bad I am, physically. I've caught my brother-in-law whispering to my sister. I think he thinks I'm just lazy. Ordinarily, he'd be right, but I'm not having people come down to my house, get filthy and do hard physical labour while I stand around and watch. I do as much as I can when my back isn't hurting.

Thankfully, most of the heavy lifting is now done. There's a guy coming this week to finish off the garden (he has the tools to make light work of it, whereas it would be weeks of manual labour for me), then maybe a day's work with my sister, doing some painting and basic woodwork and I should be good to go.

Unfortunately, I will have lost my patio area, so that's another plan for another time, but I will have somewhere to sit and chill if we get some good weather in August.

Dream a little dream.

In this dream, I was travelling with friends. We were in Tallinn, in Estonia (a place I've never actually been to). The friends group was made up of different people from my past - KfW2 was there, some people from the online hobby I did years ago, ex-coworkers. However, I had invited someone else along. Our actual relationship, in this dream, was unclear but we were not an item and this girl knew the other people we were travelling with. The only secret was our desire to sleep with each other, which we didn't want anyone to find out.

And so, throughout the dream, myself and the girl would try to find time and privacy to have sex, only to be scuppered by various members of the friends group, arranging touristy things to do. Not in a rom-com kind of way, just a frustrating period over a few days while we were on our trip.

We had finally gotten away, had reduced each other to our underwear and looked as if it was all about to happen... when I woke up.

Grrr...

Continuing on with the whole online shopping thing (I posted about it a few days ago), my frustration has grown over the past few days trying to shop for various tools and needs for the work I'm doing in my back garden.

Hoses, paint... things like that. And yet, few online shops here operate a click and collect service or online stock checking. And don't even talk to me about delivery. In the absence of a click and collect service, I would gladly give a shop hundreds of pounds for the various things I will need over the next few weeks if they delivered. But they don't.

Memory Lane

Years ago, along with QC1, I had a crush on another of AM's university friends. I'll call her Music Friend. I may have posted about her before. We got along really well and although I was attracted to QC1 a lot more than the other friend, arguably we were a better match.

One night, while out with AM, I happened to mention that one of my favourite bands at that time, Little Angels, was coming to town. She got excited, claimed that she loved them as well and we made plans, while talking about their music. A few weeks later, when tickets went on sale, I bought us both tickets (she had given me the money on our previous night out). The gig was months away.

Sadly, in those days, bands had a real tendency to cancel or postpone gigs in my city. This was no exception. With mere weeks to go, they cancelled.

I called the friend to give her the bad news. There was no rearranged date, so I was just going to get a refund.

A few days later, AM was in touch to ask about the gig.

"It's a shame really. She was really looking forward to seeing the band." The slightest pause. "To see you."

I tried asking questions but AM deflected them. However, the implication was there, unspoken in a fraction of a second's pause. I'd never seen any evidence that AM's hint was true. While I did have my crush, I wasn't viewing the gig as anything other than a meeting of platonic friends. And afterwards, I looked for signs of interest, but found none.

Fly away

This time, 18 years ago today, I left the country to live somewhere else on a holiday visa. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. I'd always wanted to visit that country, but never had the time or finances to do so.

While I was in my late 20s when I went out, it's something that I would encourage everyone to do, to gain experiences around the globe and learn a little more about yourself.

I didn't stay out there as long as I would have liked, and I would love to go back out again if I found the time and money.

Status Update: Week 8

As I mentioned last week, by this stage, I had hoped to be back to what was my previous "balance" level which is around the 217 lbs mark. Sadly, that wasn't to be with the two inexplicable 5lb weekly gains at weeks 3 and 7. Otherwise, I have been making steady progress - usually losing at least 1 lb per week.

The magic number this week is 228.2 lbs, and while I wouldn't say that I fell off the wagon, I do have to account for a large beer (i.e. calorie) intake at KfW2's on Friday, and some snacking (i.e. crisps) on Saturday night. Calorie counting got fucked off last week, though I was still careful to keep roughly to the same portion sizes that I have been for the past few weeks.

If it hadn't been for those two weeks, I'd not be far off the goal mentioned above.

Money, money, money.

I realised, last night, that this year already, I have ordered things off Amazon thirty-three times. THIRTY-THREE! That's pretty much once per week since the start of the year. And obviously, that's not single items. By my reckoning, you're looking at an average of about £25 per order and maybe, say, four items.

Luckily, not all of it is boredom pandemic rubbish. There are a lot of books in there (I do read a lot), some household stuff (that I would buy locally if shops had stock checking or click and collect capability) and, yes, some boredom pandemic stuff.

And I still have half an eye on some other stuff - a new TV (I don't need one, but I've had a notion for one for a while now) and some small electronic gadgets which are most definitely pandemic boredom items.

Time will tell

In the end, KfW2 called on Thursday and asked if I minded going to hers on Friday night instead? I had nothing on, so I said that I'd be happy to. Her husband was going to see his friend after work, so I could get a lift home if I wanted, rather than stay over.

I don't often stay over, often preferring to get a taxi home, even if it costs me money. Usually twenty to twenty-five pounds. However, that money is well spent as I can wake up whenever the next day and I'm already home. At KfW2's, her kids often cause me to wake, then KfW2 will offer/promise me a lift home rather than get the bus, and I don't get back into the house until mid-afternoon. KfW2 just doesn't see the time passing.

Well... KfW2's husband didn't go to see his friend, so I didn't get as much alone time with KfW2 as I would have liked, though I still really enjoyed my time. It was nice to have a change of scenery and a proper, prolonged conversation.

Unsurprisingly, it was late afternoon by the time I got into the house, having spent all afternoon shopping with KfW2.

I can't remember her exact comment but she made a comment about how late it is that I get home any time I stay at hers. I think it was meant as a joke, but I must have had a look on my face because she looked really guilty. I admitted that getting home the next day was a factor in deciding whether or not to stay over. I think KfW2 feels little put out that I don't stay over more often, or even visit for that matter.

Yesterday was slightly different. When she offered me a lift home, I said that while I didn't need to rush off instantly, I did need to try and get home sooner rather than later.

Cue her in-laws turning up (she didn't turn them away when they phoned prior to calling in), fixing bikes and a couple of other non-urgent tasks that were started before we left the house. Then we went shopping. She offer the chance to get dropped off home before she went to the shops, but I thought I could top up my groceries, so agreed to accompany her. She was relieved at this. Her kids can be a handful sometimes. One has ASD and another is simply a whining little brat. Sigh.

It's not the shopping that's the frustrating part of yesterday, it's the two hours of chores that were done prior to leaving the house

Walky... and talky.

I think I've shared that I'm trying to have conversations with as many people as possible. Part of that is for my own mental health, but part of it is to potentially help other, if they need it. A few weeks ago, I was "speaking" to SSCW for the first time in ages and she approached me yesterday for a chat.

I have, as part of this mindset, also spoken to Nerdy Girl a few times. I fired her off a quick "How you doing?" text message this afternoon and she replied. Before I knew it, I'm meeting her next week for a walk.

It's about 2 miles from my house to roughly where we'd meet. I'm now trying to decide if I should cycle over, or walk.

I'm also looking forward to chatting to someone different, outside of KfW2, CC and FP... especially CC who has been very hard work during the pandemic. People who don't listen and talk over the top of me really grind my gears.

Cheeky drinks

While we really should be locked down, KfW2 invited me to her place on Saturday evening. Her husband won't be about, he's off to a party. I'm being used as an excuse for KfW2 not to attend. I don't mind that, and I am sure that more than a few people would raise eyebrows at KfW2 and I sitting alone for an entire evening, drinking. I know my bro-in-law and sister have hinted as much, even though they know how close KfW2 and I are.

So, even with the pandemic hanging over us, I'm looking forward to getting out, to some great company and some drinks... even though I strictly shouldn't. I kinda feel that my mental health needs the boost.

Thinking back.

It's sweltering today. It has been for the past few days and thunderstorms are forecast. Even with working in the garden, I haven't really broken a sweat. That reminded me of a conversation with GC way back when I was doing the whole gym thing.

After putting me through my paces during a really warm summer's day, probably around this time of year, GC noted my mostly dry t-shirt.

"You don't sweat a lot, do you?" she asked.

"I've never given it much though, but I guess not" was my outward reply.

Inwardly, I was giving a different reply. Something about a horizontal workout to see if GC could make me sweat.

I've not thought about GC in years... funny how she popped into my head simply because we're having great weather.

More lookalikes...

On one of the forums of which I am a member, Christina Hendricks is a big favourite. Saying that, most guys on that forum are admirers of any woman as long as she has big boobs. That's not me, though she is undoubtedly attractive.

However, I've been watching Firefly recently and Christina Hendricks makes a few appearances in a few episodes. And she sports a look that I really dig. There's something there, that I can't quite put my finger on. Like she reminds me of a younger QC1, but... I don't know.

Anyway, pictures:

Status Update: Week 7

The magic number this week is 229.6 lbs. That's practically my starting weight.

Again, just as I was back in week 3, I'm clueless to the explanation.

Generally, the calorie counting went according to plan. I had a few beers on Saturday night and Chinese takeaway last night (though they both should have been countered by all day Saturday and Sunday spent doing some heavy lifting in the garden).

Like week 3, doing the sums just doesn't add up. There simply weren't enough calories taken to account for an additional 5 lb weight gain. USHW suggested water retention last time, but I don't understand how that weight simply didn't disappear once the water retention was adjusted.

Admittedly, I wasn't moving around as much last week - I was super busy with work, but the gardening should have made a sizeable dent in any calorie intake.

Next week is the 8th week (or 2 months) since my initial weigh-in and I had hoped to be sub 220 lbs by then.

Sigh.

Absolutely.

I remember years ago, being quite taken with Orlaith McAllister on Big Brother. I may have even posted about it here. She lives in the same city as I do, so I've seen her out and about and she's still very pretty.

My first Big Brother crush, though, was Kate Lawler, completely going against my preference for tall brunettes.

Recently, I discovered that Orlaith had been working out and was incredibly fit - flat stomach, six pack, the works. I find that incredibly sexy. Have a picture.

So imagine my delight when I saw the following image posted on a forum of Kate Lawler. Mmmm... I think she's gotten better with age as well.

I'd love to meet a woman with this body... but seeing as I have too much of a pie and beer addiction and am allergic to exercise, it's not likely.

Mmmm... beer.

I was going to forego the beers this evening as I had a massive craving for something sweet - ice cream, midget gems... just something. I don't often get craving for sweet things... I'm very much a savoury snacks guy.

But with a lack of sweet treats in the house, looks like it's the beer.

Further random thoughts and musings

During one of my past online dating adventures (on Plenty of Fish rather than Tinder), I spotted a rather attractive young lady. Of course I sent her a message and waited for a reply. Unsurprisingly, I'm still waiting. Or I would be if my PoF account was still active.

And with the whole small world thing that seems to go on around here, there's no surprise that I could connect to her in about four steps:

Me, to S, to S's girlfriend at the time, to S's girlfriend's (stunning) sister to the PoF girl herself.

Here's a picture of Aisling Bea (top right if you don't know who Ms. Bea is) in tonight's Qi looking very like PoF girl's picture from what I remember. She posted this picture on Instagram earlier, hence the old memory being triggered.

Just more stuff.

Despite some limitations on the lockdown easing and having visits from KfW2, S and FP amongst others, I've spent the past few days feeling more than a little lonely.

I don't know what it is. I feel burned out in general. Work is pissing me off a bit (more Stalky Guy/manager chats while I'm isolated) even though there's lots to look forward to. Though recent rumblings have also hinted at things to be concerned about, but these are currently just rumours.

And it's a general loneliness... while the whole wanting/needing to meet someone is present, I don't think it's the primary driver of my current mood.

And I think I could really do with a hug. 

History.

I've taken another dive into the old MSN logs, this time with a friend of mine from England and DSC. I don't know why I was reading the logs of the conversation with the English guy, but it reminded me that the whole Date No. 1 thing was only a few months before Near Miss. I'd completely lost track of when these things happened. I'd forgotten that I'd had a quick burst of "success" in meeting people.

Also... looking back, I'm wondering why I was ever a friend with DSC. 90% of the MSN conversations were her complaining about something or generally trying to make herself the centre of attention with a lot of "I can't be bothered" thrown in for good measure. I'm actually tired just reading this... how did I not see this at the time?

Other random musings.

I've never been a huge fan of taking pictures... even with the advent of social media and smartphones, I don't post a lot online. And there are few photos of me.

By the same token, apart from some special events, I don't have photographic reminders of those events or people. A while ago my sister gave me a printer with a scanner on it and I went through all the photos I had to see if there was anything worth scanning. 

It dawned on me (as it has done in the past, infrequently) that I don't have many pictures of romantic partners. Maybe a couple, at most, of FA2. None at all of CAB (BW might have a few though) or any of the women that I short-term dated in my Twenties. Then again, this was all before social media and taking photos of random nights out was less of a "thing".

I'm struggling to remember those faces these days, if not their names.

Dreams.

I had a dream about FA2 last night. Specifically, it was all around the first night we slept together except, instead of what actually happened, the sex was a lot more energetic and varied with FA2 being a lot more vocal not just in showing her enjoyment but in directing me, to maximise her pleasure.

In real life, even after learning each other's bodies and growing into the sex, it was rarely lusty and energetic nor was FA2 vocal about her sexual wants and needs, despite some coaxing.

Regardless, you can imagine how I awoke this morning. Yep, frustrated.

Status Update: Week 6

The magic number this week is 225.0 lbs. That's down on last week's number of 226.6 lbs. That's not bad given the calorie counting dropped off a little, I had a massive KFC on Friday and spent last night sinking beers with FP and my sister while burning garden waste in the back garden.

I'm a bit achey today - I presume the gardening yesterday is taking its toll - but it's nice to see the numbers going downwards again after a bit of a stutter.

Money, money, money.

During this pandemic, I've been fortunate enough to be able to continue to work, albeit from home. However, the working from home bit is the important bit. I'm saving money by doing so. I don't particularly like working from home. A large part of my job is problem solving and I much prefer doing that by having proper conversations with people, having impromptu meetings or simply gathering people around a table.

But I have bad habits. I would spend roughly ten pounds per day on lunch, snacks, coffee etc. due to a lack of meal planning (that, and I often don't know what it is I want to eat, so decide each day as the need arises).

Add to that somewhere in the region of fifty to sixty pounds for travel to and from work, and you're looking at somewhere between £250 and £300 per month that's being saved.

This week, though, I've been spending money: £40 on books from Amazon, £35 on a mystery box of clothes from LostStock, over £100 to get someone to remove a lot of rubbish from my house as a result of my work in the garden last week and finally £40 on beer from Brewdog (I was only going to buy their Barnard Castle Eye Test beer but kinda got carried away).

I need to stop that... but I've been tempted by a new TV for quite some time, and I can afford it at the moment. Hmmm...

Watch out!

Bored today so, in a meeting where I didn't have to pay attention, I fired up Tinder. It only took a couple of swipes to come across a rather attractive young lady with a great figure.

"Please..." her bio pleaded, "Don't be normal."

Well, that's a good start. Something out there, kind of original and devoid of the usual caveats about no hookups or something casual. And there's another sentence...

"If you believe that social distancing is necessary then we won't get along."

Oh. She's one of those. She might actually be even more bonkers than Sports Girl, a woman who liked her conspiracy theories and outlandish ideas.

Engage sarcasm mode: Still, seeing as she didn't explicitly call out no hookups and thinks social distancing is a nonsense, then she must be nailed on to screw, right? I'm sending a text now...

Weird.

For some inexplicable reason, CH popped into my head this evening, specifically the night she was drunk and texted, suggesting we meet. It was a conversation that seemed to me to have an undercurrent to it right from the start.

So I wanted to go back and see if the conversation still felt like that. Except I can't find any text messages from CH from August 2014 (the conversation above would have been a year prior to that). So then I tried to hunt out the old emails that I'd been swapping with USHW to see if they backed up my recollection of that night... and I can't find those either. Weird.

Meanderings.

During the lockdown, I've been trying to keep in contact with as many people as possible... At least, those that I want to be, just to have a chat and keep things social. Today alone, I've had brief chats with SSCW, Quiet Girl and Ideas Girl.

I might not know how to read people (KfW2 mentioned something recently that made me question myself again), but I know what I would like and I've been critical of my managers for not being more personal at this time, which is why I'm reaching out to people, even those that are more acquaintances than friends.

I think I've had three verbal conversations with my boss since the lockdown, and two of those were because Stalky Guy didn't have the answers to the questions being asked. Compare that to the number of conversations that Stalky Guy has had with my boss and questions are raised. I would like to bring this up with someone like my boss, but I don't feel like I can talk to him at a personal level and I'm pretty sure that any perceived criticism will be shot down or deflected.

Dreaming

Another restless night, another of my semi-recurring dreams where I'm on the cusp of flunking my university degree. These dreams have a little variation in them... sometimes I know I'm going to fail the exams, in others, I know that I simply won't turn up to the final exams.The upshot of it all is that I won't get a degree.

Of course, in the real world, I did get a degree, albeit not as good as I would have liked. A combination of hating the academic life coupled with a laziness meant that my scores weren't as good as they might have been.

It was still good enough to get me into the industry of my choosing though, to the career that I had always wanted.

I really should investigate why this one topic/dream seems to happened more than any others though.

Groove on.

The soundtrack for the past week of good weather has been Lemon Jelly, and this track has been played far more than most - Nice Weather for Ducks.

Or you could try this: https://poolside.fm/

What's your summer soundtrack?

Status Update: Week 5

The magic number this week is... 226.6 lbs, which is the same weight as last week.

That's a little disappointing, given the fact that I've still been calorie counting and my portion management has, as a result, gotten much better.

The boredom thing, I've noticed over the weekend, is a HUGE factor. I tend to want to snack more when bored, and while that's a recognised thing, it wasn't until recently that I saw how big a deal it was for me.

I need to be doing more rather than sitting in front of the PC all day. The current weather is helping, especially with the outdoor project, but I need to plan for the future too.