Ding, ding! Round 2?

After my recent chats with KfW2, it's all gone a bit quiet again. We're heading out socially in a week or so's time and I'm looking forward to that immensely, even though it probably won't be the all-day piss up that we usually get involved in. I will, however, be using the opportunity to perhaps kick off a "round 2" of the conversation to see if we can address any points that we didn't cover in more detail in the first conversation and also to see if KfW2 has any other suggestions about meeting people that don't involve online dating.

Close, but no cigar?

I've been meaning to post a few things over the past week, and I still intend to, but I've been physically very tired and apathy set in somewhat.

However, my recent conversations with KfW2 and, more recently, USHW have made me re-examine a portion of my life. Usually my relationship-based funks, when they come about, don't tend to last any more than a few weeks, possibly a month at most. The current one, though, is pretty much eight months old.

I think part of that my strong attraction to, and tantalizing "closeness" of, CB. Being only a mutual acquaintance away, I still find myself thinking about her, despite the fact I've never spoken to her, and not ruling out eventually getting that opportunity.

At the same time, though, while CB is in no way an obsession, part of me thinks that she should be forgotten about already, that the GB incident should have been the nail in the coffin, but I like my closure. Apart from USHW, everyone else who knows about CB simply knows that I am/was attracted to her. No-one knows how much I still want to actually meet her.

When MFF popped up on my Facebook news feed yesterday evening, stating that she was out socialising with CB and other friends, I chatted this through with USHW. I mentioned that if MFF had been out in my hometown, then I probably would have found someone to meet for a drink then made sure to bump into MFF and thus get an introduction to CB. In fact, it was partly a suggestion by USHW herself.

But still, even with USHW's encouragement on that front, I've been locked into a circle of confusion with the desire to meet CB and the gut feeling that I should forget about her.

"...and they all didn't really come to any conclusion. The End"

Over lunch, KfW2 and I continued the conversation that we've been having on and off all week. I don't know that much progress was made. We talked a little more about my online dating experiences from a few years ago, about Date No. 1 (KfW2 asked for a physical description) and suggested revisiting the online dating idea. I immediately rejected it saying that the experience had really dented my confidence and it wasn't something I was ever in a rush to repeat.

KfW2's argument was that more and more people are doing it these days, that it gets more legitimate as time goes on and I have no arguments on that one, but the mechanics are still the same and while that continues to be the case, I don't think I'll be getting involved again.

Sadly, with that, the conversation seemed to run its course. We briefly talked about the last times I'd chatted to someone that I'd been genuinely interested in, about closing the deal (getting phone numbers etc.) but the only thing that KfW2 could come up with was that I had to start approaching people like CB when I saw them and that it was actually imperative that I did, especially when I don't often find people who interest me in the same way that CB did/does. (KfW2 knows about CB, but nothing about the whole GB thing or how frustrated I was with her and how interested I still would be in meeting her.)

I enjoyed the conversation, I feel better for having it and opening up more to KfW2 and I would like to have more on different subjects but I don't think that I learned anything about myself that I didn't already know... and I don't actually know if KfW2 did either.

I wasn't expecting miracles from the conversation, that KfW2 would get in touch with CB or MFF and sort everything out, for example (and I would never ask, either), but I had hoped that KfW2 might perhaps know me a bit better. While she's now got a few more details about me, it was only really fine tuning what she already knew from what we've previously talked about.

Eh?

After a long conversation with USHW last night during which we discussed KfW2, CH, my taste in women, what I am looking for in a woman and communication, I have been able to think of no-one else since last night except FA2 and RB (neither of whom tick a lot of my boxes). For some reason they were on my mind last night, after my chat with USHW when I was going to bed, there may have been a dream involved and all day I've been preoccupied with them.

What's that all about?

And. Here. We. Go.

After a conversation that KfW2 and I had on holiday that definitely brought us closer together, I've been looking forward for the past five or six weeks to getting her alone and continuing the conversation. KfW2 still hasn't learned the lesson - that I'll answer questions but I find it hard to talk about myself without some kind of stimulus, but talking to her gave me a level of confidence that I wanted to act upon, but was never given the chance.

A few days ago, KfW2 admitted that she'd been talking to my sister about finding me a woman. This lead on to some light hearted joking around and then a comment from me where I mentioned something along the lines of "everyone's trying to get me a girl these days". She demanded to know who, so I told her - KfW2 herself, my sister, CH, GB and others. The thing is, I've no idea if any of it's true. CH mentioned it once. As did KfW2. I added my sister to the list cos KfW2 mentioned her, not because I had any evidence. And GB was there for CB only.

That prompted a few questions from KfW2 that led me on to my current relationship-related funk. Due to the conversation happening in work, it's been slow going - we've probably only covered a fraction of what I've posted about on here over the past few years on the same topic.

It was still going strong when I had to pack up and leave, but I want this to continue... and I think she's interested too. And I think the stuff we've yet to cover is probably the more interesting - frustration with GB, CB, what I can do to get out of the funk etc. I daresay we might also get sidetracked into other topics that we've already briefly touched upon - Date No. 1, online dating etc.

We probably won't get a chance to continue for another few days, but I have to make sure we do start talking about this again.

Alcohol and morals.

S, GM and I had an last-minute and unexpected night out. While we were waiting for S to show up so we could go to the pub,. GM and I were talking about CH. We covered old ground mostly, stuff that had been said before - how our friends were worried that our personalities would clash, how CH can be very forthright, how focussed she was on her kids (and how that made her unreliable for social engagements). I mentioned that CH and KT were starting to talk more and GM mentioned that CH's morals seem to disappear once she's had a few drinks in that her general chat becomes much more x-rated.

I think it's more general than that - her morals in general tend to go on holiday when she's drunk. It would certainly explain the ass grabbing and the lack of a slap when I grabbed her tits when we were out one night.

GM and I have been talking about getting CH (and others) out for a proper, non-work night out, but that's not going to happen for at least another five or six weeks.

What?

Out of the blue recently, my sister asked me if I was still shy. I don't know what prompted it, but it's something that's been playing on my mind a little recently. I have come on in leaps and bounds over the past ten years, but I'd love to be more outgoing and simply have the confidence to talk to people.

I do, to a certain extent, but chatting to people I am attracted to is still a massive problem. If it weren't, then I wouldn't have spent a large part of this year bemoaning GB's friendship and a lack of closure in the CB thing.

Good times.

I was looking through my filing cabinet a few days ago, trying to get a few pieces of documentation that I needed when I came across my old stash. I've mentioned it before in passing, but I still have a lot of letters that R2 sent me when she first moved to America.

Good times, really. It's a shame I didn't get to know her better while she was here - we only crossed paths after she'd made her decision and she was just waiting to graduate before she left...

Makes you think.

I was going to make a post a while back bemoaning the lack of perceived effort by my female friends who all want me to meet someone, but don't actually seem to want to do anything about it. The most recent would be CH who, even after I'd drunkenly suggested CB, pooh poohed the idea because she doesn't directly know her.

The reason that I bring it up now is that I've just read an article in Men's Health where it states that the most common way to meet someone is through friends. I was going to go off on a rant and say that it's absolutely rubbish, but then I got to thinking... most of the people mentioned here, in terms of girlfriends and the like i.e. those who've had influence on me rather than one night stands, have mostly come from friends.

I met FA1 through a friend of AM/QC1
I met QC1 herself through AM
I met CAB through a friend of BW's
I met FA2 though BW
I met QC3 through D*
I met FBS through D*

There are more, but I think that's plenty of evidence to backup that I do meet people through friends. However, none of the above were setups, which kinda takes me back to my original point. Hmmm.

In fact, now that I think about it, roughly half the women I've slept with have come directly or indirectly through friends (or friends of friends). There are very few actual randommers in my history.

*We did work in the same office, so our paths may have crossed regardless.

Interesting.

A post made on Facebook earlier today by FBS reminded me that it was recently an "anniversary" of sorts of a night where I turned down a guaranteed fuck from her because, at that time, I thought I was still in a relationship with FA2.

Bearing in mind that the main reason FBS and I lost contact for a while was because I just wanted a fuck buddy and she wanted more, the night in question could have been interesting for a number of reasons.

*sigh*

Despite having a massive preference for athletic brunettes, after watching "Oz the Great and Powerful", I can't help but have a massive crush on Michelle Williams.

To be fair, it's not like any of her female co-stars were beaten with the ugly stick either...

FFS

A guy that I'm working alongside/for in work pissed me off today - he sent an email to senior management complaining that he was unhappy with the level of detail in emails that I was sending him in answer to questions he was asking me.

He's never said anything to me directly about the content or frequency of my communication and the first thing I know about it is when my immediate manager starts asking me questions.

Obviously, this has really pissed me off. I already have a long-term work problem that might not get handled to my satisfaction and will require a move away from where I currently work (internally or externally). I don't particularly want to do it, but if I stay around, life will get very difficult.

Gah.

With the recent work thing as well as the housing thing that I'll need to speak to MfW about, I really need a good night out with someone I can talk to.

Facebook messages to QC1 and AM are as yet unread. QC2 has yet to get back to me regarding a text  sent at the start of July. M is unavailable until around the start of September. I have a potential night out with S, but he's not really deep conversation company, if you catch my drift.

A night out will help, but not as much as a good conversation would.

The good and bad of MfW

Good: Actually becomes proactive and places an advert looking for a new housemate.

Bad: Doesn't consult me regarding wording or rent and potentially throws out the entire balance of the thing.

Now I'm going to have to have a chat with him that's going to annoy him because he gets that way at any perceived criticism.

Curiouser and curiouser.

I've just been told by UF that MfW has a few interesting tales to tell. He won't elaborate, but has indicated that they're not "fun" or positive stories and I reckon that one of them will be about him splitting up with his most recent girlfriend, which he's hinted at, but never gone any further than that.

The next few days will hopefully shed some light on this.

Another day...

and another comment from my sister about how she would love to invite KfW2 to hers, "but she's married". This time, not to me, but to my mum though I was sat at the table.

Missed opportunities?

I had anticipated a quiet weekend - UF and MfW have gone away and I have the place to myself and was planning on chilling out. Then I got an email from a couple of friends - S and GM included talking about a last-minute night out.

We started off having drinks at mine, then headed into town, generally having a laugh, chatting to tourists etc.

GM got chatting to a couple of girls and the rest of us sat down. By this stage, I was fairly drunk, but the banter was good. GM whispered conspiratorially to me that I should stay close to the thin brunette, that I was definitely "in" there and he seemed to be right, but the problem was that I had no interest in "closing the deal". There was simply no attraction there for me and when that's the case, I tend not to be able to motivate myself and even though I've been horny as fuck over the past month or so, this was no different.It's already been suggested by USHW that I should have gone for it anyway, just for the ego boost if nothing else... and the release wouldn't have done any harm either, but I don't think I'll ever be able to screw someone that I have no attraction to, even as a one night stand.

A good indicator is how I feel the next day - even now, I still have days where I am annoyed at myself for not approaching CB when I saw her in the pub on New Year's Eve, but I have zero regrets about not pulling the girl on Friday night.

Making plans.

After a chat with the family a few weeks ago, I think I have decided to seriously look into buying a place of my own. This isn't going to be something that's done in the next few months - I'm looking at doing something this time next year which will mean spending the next year trying to tidy up my finances. I don't have a lot in savings and a couple of outstanding debts - credit card and student loan. The credit card debt I should be able to clear pretty quickly and is the least of my worries... the student loan has been outstanding since I left university over ten years ago.

I do currently have a plan in place for clearing it and I'm about halfway through it, but the timing isn't brilliant with my new timetable about buying a house and it will have a big influence on the amount I am able to borrow.

It means I will end up renting for another year and that's going to mean dealing with MfW who can be pretty difficult at times, but I am already excited about buying a house. What I will need to do over the next few weeks is sit down and make some effort at organising my finances. I'm not in a bad way, but it's all rather unstructured. First plan of action is to try and clear my credit cards, possible before Christmas, then see where I am after that.

A blast from the past (part whatever).

While most of the blokes in my class in my last year in primary school were attracted to the taller, blonde athletic girl, I was more attracted to a small, brunette girl with a bob haircut, dark eyes and pixie-like features. My memory tells me she had a darker complexion and certainly in recent years, any time I remember her, I think of her as having similar features to Lexa Doig (see below).

...but I'm not 100% convinced that's the case... especially now that I think she's added me as a friend on Facebook. Dear ladies... if you are married and do not look like you did thirty years ago, please tell me who you are, otherwise I will assume you're some kind of weird randommer.

My first impressions were that the years have been good! Mind you, I also had the blonde girl as a friend on Facebook and the years had been kind to her too.

Saying that the girl in question is undoubtedly where I got my preference for brunette women with dark eyes from. I think.